Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e07 Episode Script

No, no, no.
- But it's my belly button.
- Uh-uh.
It's our belly button.
You can have it back when you turn 18.
Don't tell me she still wants to hang keys off her navel.
Sabrina, even I think that's gross.
- I still wanna do it.
- You'll regret it.
I had to wait two centuries to have the "Cromwell Rules" tattoo removed from my shoulder.
- That's not where it was.
- Be quiet.
The point is, these things go in and out of style.
You have to remember, you're built for the long haul.
Well, I think it's cool.
But if I have to wait two years, fine, I will.
Then I'll just have everything pierced.
Okay, very funny.
Now, remove the bone.
Remove the bone.
I'm not going to school like this.
It's camouflage.
I'm over here.
[SINGING.]
Shake your whammy fanny Funky song - Hey, what are you singing? - Nothing.
- Are you going to science? - I figured I'm here, might as well.
So I was thinking about going to see a movie Saturday night.
You wanna come? Sure, but it's gotta be an early show.
My curfew's midnight.
You're so lucky your aunts are strict.
My parents are really relaxed which makes it hard to rebel.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hey, Harvey.
- Hey.
All right, turn it down.
"Shake your whammy fanny.
" Oh, please.
You know, in my day we had good music.
Mr.
Pool, didn't you grow up in the '70s? Yes.
Never mind.
Okay, today we're gonna talk about the body's largest organ: the skin.
Heh.
Now, the skin consists of three different layers: the dermis, the epidermis, and the subcutaneous tissue.
What's happening? I feel like I'm wearing a burlap unitard.
God, I can't stand the itching! God! Ah! What do we do now? Well, if Mr.
Pool's not back in five minutes, we can ditch.
- It's been five minutes, hasn't it? - Let's go.
Sit.
Stay.
Good.
Hello, class.
I am your substitute teacher.
My name is Vesta.
I'm an Aries.
Now, doesn't anyone want to tell me where your teacher left off? - You, spill.
- Ooh We were talking about skin.
Always moisturiZe and use an exfoliant.
Any questions? Yes? What does moisturiZer have to do with science? Ha-ha-ha.
Science isn't everything.
What about beauty and art and culture? Why do we have to focus on science? Because this is biology? Fine.
You want science? Listen carefully.
The thermablasts join the ranials, which, I think, explains it all.
Well, that's it for today.
Forget everything I said.
[BELL RINGS.]
Class dismissed.
Except Sabrina.
You stay after.
- What did I do? - I don't know.
You're not out in five minutes, I'm notifying the school paper.
Great.
It's a weekly.
Sabrina, we need to talk.
- Did I do something wrong? - Yes.
[GIGGLES.]
No.
Don't you recognise me? - Should I? - Ah.
I'll give you a hint.
I am your Aunt Vesta.
Let me guess, from my father's side of the family? Bingo.
Heh.
I even carry a photo of me holding you as a baby.
Oh, look.
- There's Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda.
- Mm.
- Is that Andy Warhol? - Mm.
Those were the good times.
I don't know why, but the '80s are always the best decade of every century.
Oh, look, I'd really love to stay and talk, but I've gotta get to class.
Don't be silly.
We have a lot of catching up to do.
Now, where can we find a cup of good coffee? Oh, I know, Paris.
Voilà.
Ha-ha-ha.
You know the weirdest thing? I'm missing French class to be here.
[LAUGHS.]
No, that's not the weirdest thing.
I once-- Oh, no, never mind.
I think I should have told someone I was leaving the country.
Don't be so jittery.
Drink your giant bowl of coffee and relax.
Three sips and I'm vibrating.
My other aunts don't let me drink coffee.
Yes.
The evil bean.
I'm sure they're full of all sorts of can'ts and don'ts, like: [IN HILDA'S VOICE.]
"Don't stay up too late," [IN ZELDA'S VOICE.]
and "No, you can't get a tattoo.
" You sound just like them.
We lived together for 200 years, but we're very, very different.
You see, they actually enjoy living on Earth and I can't stand mortals for too long.
You know, I'm half mortal.
Oh, not that there's anything wrong with that, darling.
It's just that, well, mortals seem to have to work so hard for everything.
Tends to make them bitter.
- Oh, like my teacher, Mr.
Pool.
- Exactly.
- What did you do to him anyway? - Oh, I just gave him a 24-hour bug.
[SCREAMING.]
My point is that we witches can avoid reality if we choose.
That's why I live in the Pleasuredome.
- The Pleasuredome, where's that? - Heh.
The other realm.
- You could come and visit.
- I don't think my aunts would let me.
Well, we'll just have to convince them.
Look, it's been this way for years.
It's time for a change.
I like it the other way.
I'm not gonna stand here all day pointing with you.
Listen up.
That was Sabrina's school on the phone.
They said she missed her last five classes.
That's not like her.
Where could she be? - What if she's in trouble? - Oh, I hope she's not in trouble.
I'm home.
- Oh.
You are in big trouble.
- Where have you been? And what are you wearing? I went to Paris with Aunt Vesta.
ZELDA AND HILDA: Vesta? [SPEAKS IN FRENCH.]
Presents.
- Gum? - It's French.
What are you doing here? I thought you vowed never to set foot on Earth again.
How could I stay away? I had to see my niece.
She was supposed to be in school.
Well, we tried to make her last class.
But then we stopped in Milano for gelato.
You have to.
No, you don't.
You have to tell people when you run off to Europe for snacks.
And you can't just take Sabrina out of school.
Oh.
I'm only here five seconds and it's already can'ts and don'ts.
Doesn't anything ever change around here? Oh! We got new fabric for the chair.
It's mayhem.
Look, Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, I'm sorry I didn't call.
I was wrong.
- Can I keep the clothes? - Oh, all right.
But go call Jenny, get your homework and start doing it.
It's practically done.
Such a sweet girl and so hungry for life.
Surprising, I mean, with the example you've been setting for her.
We are setting a fine example.
We have a loving home filled with discipline and responsibility.
- What about fun? - We have fun.
In fact, this weekend I have been invited to attend a very important meeting in Texas on the Supercollider.
So there.
[PHONE RINGS.]
I'll get it.
It's probably somebody fun.
I doubt it.
So a symposium in Texas.
Who invited you? The Visual Engineers for the Study of Theoretical Activity.
I suppose theoretical activity is better than no activity at all.
You are not gonna believe this.
I've just been asked to play with the Conniff Trio in Orlando this Saturday.
It's a dream come true.
Hilda, lucky you.
I know you mean that sarcastically, but thanks.
- I have to pack.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You can't just take off.
I have to go to Texas this weekend.
What about Sabrina? We can't leave her alone.
Then we have to find someone she can stay with.
Maybe I can be of help.
Jenny just gave me the bad news.
I have to read 50 pages by Monday.
Quelle drag.
Sabrina, since Hilda and I have to work, how would you feel about spending the weekend at your Aunt Vesta's Pleasuredome? I'd really like that, but I'm afraid if I'm too enthusiastic you won't let me.
It's fine.
In fact, it would help us.
Then, yes! Whoo-hoo! Oh.
It's so good to be home.
Welcome to the Pleasuredome.
Ha-ha-ha.
Leave your can'ts and your don'ts outside.
We only have one rule here.
Ha-ha.
No mortals.
Great.
What a cool place.
So I guess you're really into doors.
Behind each one is a wish fulfilled.
Go ahead, take a look.
- What's in there? - You'll see.
BAND [SINGING.]
: --your fanny whammy Funky song, funky song Shake your fanny whammy Funky song - Is this what I think it is? - Yes.
You're backstage at a Brothers Chunk concert.
Ha-ha.
- Phat.
- Wait.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Open this one.
It's one of my personal faves.
- What is it? - The Hall of Gratuitous Praise.
[CHEERING, OVERLAPPING VOICES.]
You're fabulous.
We love you.
You're gorgeous.
You're beautiful.
You're in.
Yes, you are.
Ah.
That was fun.
You know, I feel really good about myself.
We also have a 24-hour mall and a restaurant filled with ooey-gooey slimming desserts.
And that's a room filled with gorgeous, single men.
- Maybe I'll just take a peek in there.
- No, don't.
Darling, they know you're here.
[CHUCKLES.]
And the longer you keep them waiting, the more they'll want you.
Oh, so that's how is works? Uh-huh.
So we'll save that room until later.
But I'm only here for the weekend.
Well, we'll see about that.
Bonbons? - Oh.
Is this Room 107? - Yes.
Well, that's strange.
See, there's supposed to be a lecture here.
- Be kind of crowded.
- Heh.
Well, do you know anything about a Supercollider conference? No, and I'm always the last to.
Well, the invitation says 107.
And it's engraved.
Nice.
Who's it from? The Visual Engineers for the Study of Theoretical Activity.
Why didn't they just shorten it to VESTA? Vesta.
[RACE CARS ROARING.]
[STRING TRIO PLAYS.]
[TALKING LOUDLY OVER NOISE.]
Hilda.
Hilda.
Zelda, what are you doing here? Vesta set me up, and she set you up too.
I wondered why they booked a string trio at Daytona.
[CRASH.]
Well, there's your big finish.
- Come on, let's go.
- All right.
But Vesta's trick backfired.
Our trio just got booked at the Indy 500.
What are you reading? Jude the Obscure.
I'll say.
Hey, wanna learn the Macarena? I can't.
I promised Hilda and Zelda I'd do my homework.
Sabrina, tsk, we need to talk.
Did I do something wrong? No, it's just your priorities.
Isn't this obsession with homework getting in the way of your fun? - Well, I have to study.
- Why? Because you can't have fun all the time.
Why not? Think about that while we join a conga line.
[CONGA MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- Anyone want paella? - I do.
Stop.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
What is going on here? Welcome to homework land.
Move it along.
There's nothing to see here.
How could you? You tricked us to get Sabrina up here.
Der-hay.
Well, the party's over.
Sabrina is coming home.
You know the rules around here.
Now, that Sabrina is at the Pleasuredome, she can do whatever she wants.
So that's your plan.
Please, I don't plan.
I scheme.
And forgive me for wanting my niece to have a little fun.
I have heard enough.
Come on, Sabrina, we're going home.
- She's staying here.
- She's coming home.
- Staying.
- You are so selfish.
[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.]
- You two always gang up on me.
- Excuse me! Can I say something about my life? Look, you guys didn't tell me I could stay in the other realm if I wanted to.
I didn't know I had a choice.
- Well, you do.
- Of course you do.
And we know you'll make the right one.
I will.
I'm staying here.
Olé.
How can you choose the Pleasuredome over high school? Wait, that didn't come out right.
Why don't you guys stay too? We're having paella.
No, thanks.
We have real lives back on Earth.
- Come on, Hilda.
Let's go.
- What? We can't just leave her here.
Follow me, I have a hunch.
And don't look back.
Ciao, adios.
Okay, drama's over.
Let's hit the waterslide.
Uh-oh.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I just thought they'd toss around a few more can'ts and don'ts before taking off.
Are you insane? You left without a fight.
- What were you thinking? - That I want Sabrina to come home.
Me too.
Now, let's go back and get her.
- I'll hold Vesta.
- No, that won't work.
If we tell Sabrina she can't stay, then we'll just be playing into Vesta's hand.
Can we say it and just not use the work "can't"? Hilda, we're giving Sabrina a chance to change her mind.
Have a little faith.
I think she'll come home.
Ooh, Zelda, sneaky.
You had a scheme.
Well, Vesta is my sister.
I want a scheme.
Mmm.
That's good.
So good.
There's only one thing that could make this better.
Now, this is relaxing.
I'm wiped.
I rode the roller coaster 17 times, went shoe shopping, - saw the Brad Pitt IMAX, VESTA: Uh-huh.
and, man, those hot tubs take a lot out of you.
Poor thing.
I just wanna curl up with a good book.
Oh, Sabrina.
[TABLE CRASHES, MAN GRUNTS.]
Oh, well.
We need to talk.
Did I do something wrong? No.
Why do you always assume when we need to talk, you did something wrong? Because I'm a teenager? Anyway, you can't stay home and read on a Saturday night.
Not when you can could be starring in your own rock video.
- I can? - Yes, sure.
All you need to do is come up with a concept.
Oh, easy.
Okay, we open on smoke rolling across the floor, cue the dancing clowns and widen to reveal me in a really great outfit.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[IN SINGSONG VOICE.]
Phone.
Thank you.
Hello? One moment.
It's for you.
- For me? - Jenny.
- Hey, Jenny.
- Hey, Sabrina.
What's up? Not much.
How'd you get my number? I called you and your aunts gave it to me.
It had the weirdest Well, I'm visiting family in Canada.
I thought we were going to a movie tonight.
I totally forgot.
I'm sorry, Jenny.
Look, maybe I can get back.
Your video.
Well, can't she come watch? The one rule.
Figures.
Look, Jenny, I'm sort of stuck here, but, well, you'll find something fun to do tonight, right? Sure.
Yeah, it's no problem.
Anyway, I'll see you.
I'll see you.
Bye.
Oh, you're sad.
This will cheer you up.
Look, a puppy.
Isn't he cute? You can't distract me with a puppy, Aunt Vesta.
I feel awful.
Okay, remove the puppy.
All right, what's wrong? Jenny's my best friend, and I just realised if I stay here, I'll never see her again.
I'll never see any of my friends again.
Is that all that's bothering you? You can see your friends any time you want.
- I can? - Yes.
We have super-secret Inside-O-Vision.
- Cool.
- Very.
I'm looking for Ringo's nose.
That should not be hard to find.
Oh, I've been working on it.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks.
Still can't believe Sabrina doesn't think our lives are exciting enough.
Well, you can see how it snoops.
With this remote, you can see anyone, anywhere.
- Now, who else do you wanna watch? - How about Salem? [MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SINGING.]
Shake your whammy fanny Funky song, funky song Shake your whammy fanny Funky song [HUMMING.]
What's he doing? He's got squeaky toys all over my room.
- Oh-ho, you live here now.
- Oh.
Right.
Well, let's see what Harvey's doing.
[SINGING.]
Shake your whammy fanny Funky song I don't wanna see this.
Uh-- I know.
I'll check on Jenny.
She's probably out though.
[SIGHS.]
No, wait, she's home and she's reading Jude the Obscure.
How pathetic.
But it's my fault she's stuck home on a Saturday night.
I totally stood her up.
Hey, you are in a guilt-free Zone.
Now, what about we shake our whammy fannies and get your video ready? [SINGS.]
Funky song Come on, Sabrina.
I am dying to see what you look like.
I don't know whether to get funky or go fly-fishing.
You look fabulous.
- These boots are killing me.
- Deal with it.
There's no room for sensible shoes in rock 'n' roll.
Now, you are large and in charge.
All right, camera ready.
Lights, smoke and action.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SINGING.]
Shake your whammy fanny Funky song, funky song Shake your whammy fanny Funky song - All right.
- Whoo! Shake your whammy fanny Funky song, funky song Shake your whammy fanny Funky song Come on, energy up.
Up.
Shake it, shake it, shake-- Shake your tangly wambly Shake-- Oh, no, that's it.
I can't shake anymore.
Cut.
[SIGHS.]
This is a mistake.
Aunt Vesta, we need to talk.
- Did I do something wrong? - No, I did.
Look, I shouldn't be here.
I should be at the movies with Jenny.
Oh.
But that's so ordinary.
I mean, you could be a rock star.
I'm not a rock star.
I'm a karaoke singer.
And not a very good one at that.
I think someone needs a little trip to the Hall of Gratuitous Praise.
No.
I don't wanna go to the Hall of Gratuitous Praise.
I wanna go home.
Sabrina, you can't go.
I'll be so lonely without you.
Well, you can come stay with Hilda and Zelda and me.
Maybe I'll just get that puppy back.
I'd better run.
Jenny and I can still make a late show.
You know, that is if Hilda and Zelda let me break curfew.
Oh, I guess you'd be needing this.
Ahem.
Thanks.
You know, I had fun.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is the Pleasuredome.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS.]
Oh.
What now? [ALL CHEERING.]
We love you.
You're beautiful.
You're gorgeous.
You're wonderful.
You're fabulous-- So empty.
But it works.
You're fabulous.
You're beautiful.
You're gorgeous.
Salem, what are you doing? Uh-- I was just reorganiZing? You know, I saw you singing in the mirror.
No.
- Did you hear something? - Yes.
Be cool.
Hi, I'm home.
Oh, hello, Sabrina.
What happened? Didn't you like the Pleasuredome? It was okay.
But the truth is, without can'ts and don'ts, it's hard to know where the fun is.
It's sure nice to have you back.
And it's nice to be back.
Now, can I go out? I promised Jenny that I'd go to the movies with her and I feel I should honour that responsibility.
- You can go.
- But don't stay out past 1.
And you can't wear those boots.
I'm home.
Better? Gotta go.
And thanks for not making a big deal out of this.
- Deal of the century.
- She's back.
BOTH: She's back.
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS.]
Yes! Yes! Now, what? Just let me grab these canisters.
All right, I'm ready for you, little weevil.
Come closer.
Come a little closer.
Suck potpourri and die! [SPRAYS.]
[YELLS.]
[MOANING.]
Oh, man, what a dream.
Sushi and Kafka don't mix.
Ah! Bug! A bug! Gah!