Sabrina The Teenage Witch s05e09 Episode Script

Ugly cheesy That is so last year.
Stupid pet catalog.
Five bucks for a squeaker mouse and it's not even a good faux fur.
These people don't know diddly about cats.
Do they have a section on muzzles? No.
Why would a cat need a ( chuckles ) Aren't you the witty one.
( phone rings ) Hello? Oh, Hilda, that is so juicy.
I understand-- you're sequestered and you can't discuss the case.
Call me the minute you break.
First day on other realm jury duty and Hilda's already on trial, and it's a biggy.
Is it that shady ring of magic carpet cleaners? No.
The defendant is the other realm's biggest and sleaziest supplier of black market hot tubs.
Lou Packard.
You know him? We've broken bread.
Lou taught me all about the world of commerce how to move merchandise.
Wait a minute.
You two were actually in business together? If Thailand could talk.
I'll tell you something if Lou's convicted and turned into a feline he'll be appalled by the outerwear in this catalog.
I mean, what cat with any self-respect would be caught dead wearing this? ( chuckles ) The joke's on you.
I said a cat with self-respect.
Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
I knew we should have shoved our way up to the front.
Why? He's handing out English papers not Macy Gray tickets.
Exactly.
I kicked butt on that paper.
I want to collect my "A" and slide into the weekend basking in the afterglow of a job well done.
Beats my weekend plans: helping my mother pick out her new toilet seat and recovering from the "F" I'm about to get.
You really think you failed? No, but this way if I did I won't be disappointed.
I'm going shopping this weekend, too.
The Apocalypse Fest and Parking Lot Sale.
Killer deals.
Everything is priced to move.
Miles, you're up.
Look alive.
Professor Carlin, I don't mean to lay a guilt trip on you but a bad grade could put a dark cloud over my entire apocalypse weekend.
Bring me back a hat? I always do, sir.
Professor Carlin, I just want to say what a pleasure it is to explore American literature with you.
I mean, as Mark Twain once said This bites the big one! Ah, yes-- Becky Thatcher in Tom Sawyer.
She was a real potty mouth.
Sabrina, are you all right? No, I'm not all right.
I got a "C"! A "C"! ( dramatic music playing ) Big deal.
You got a "C.
" It's not like it's the first one you've ever gotten.
Oh, my God, it is.
Roxie, this paper is my future.
Getting a "C" is like being told "Nice try.
Now go hose down the Slurpee machine.
" Hey, I got a "C," and I have no intention of hawking big gulps for the rest of my life.
I got a "D" and a giant question mark.
I'm sorry, guys.
You know how I am about my grades.
Psycho.
Psycho.
Hey, I worked really hard on this paper.
I just don't get what the problem is.
The problem is Carlin.
He doesn't want to spoil his reputation as the toughest teacher at Adams.
Not to mention he's a pawn of the establishment.
No connection between Huckleberry Finn and the rise of the military-industrial complex? Please.
Mystery solved about his grade.
You're going to obsess about this, aren't you? No.
Obsessing is what Miles does.
I prefer confrontation.
You hate confrontation.
Good point.
Would you go ask Carlin why he gave me a "C"? Fine.
I'll do it, but you owe me.
Professor Carlin? Oh, hello, Sabrina.
I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything but I just wanted to talk to you about the grade you gave me on the Huck Finn paper.
I think it is bogus and totally ridiculous.
Well, I like students who aren't afraid to express their opinion.
Keep up the good work.
Professor Carlin, it was a well-constructed essay.
My footnotes were awesome.
I triple-checked for typos.
I even included that bonus paragraph "Factoids of The Mighty Mississippi.
" Look, Sabrina, the mechanics of your paper were good but your thesis lacked depth, originality and punch.
It was oozing with punch.
If you want to argue that Huckleberry Finn is about hypocrisy in society, I'm all for that but you need specifics to back it up: how did Huck's upbringing impact his relationship with Jim as they rode down the river? Why did I have to say "river"? Still, I don't think I deserved a "C.
" Well, just work harder on your next assignments and eventually you'll get that "P.
" I mean, "B.
" I'm going to try the third floor.
"B"? I want an "A"! ( banging on door ) ( men shouting ) Oops.
Hilda, Lou Packard has swindled hundreds of gullible women out of their life savings.
Yes, I'm sure he has a very nice smile.
No, I will not go to your bank and make a withdrawal.
Call me later.
I can't believe it.
Hilda is developing a crush on Lou Packard.
What on earth? What is all of this? Salem, what did you do, rob a Petco? Petco? Please.
These are all custom-designed Salem Saberhagen originals.
"Anti-tick shampoo with jojoba"? Zellie, witness the rebirth of animal retail.
My new business Cat-opia! "Furniture, apparel, cuisine pour le chat a la mode.
" "For the cat with ice cream on top"? The gals in accounting came up with that.
Salem, you can't open a store.
You're no good with the general public and you have no thumbs.
Not a factor, baby doll.
This is strictly an Internet operation catering to the millions of felines with discretionary income.
I hate to burst your bubble but not many cats know how to work a computer.
Please! Show me a cat that can't work a mouse.
( chuckles ) I've got a much better vibe about this paper.
I'm feeling very confident.
Then why did you chew off nine of your fingernails? I need the fiber.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
I told you guys what Professor Carlin said about supporting our arguments.
We all worked very hard on our papers and I'm sure it'll be reflected in our grades.
But don't go by me.
I can't believe this.
We did everything he wanted and we all got Cs.
This is awesome! I shot up to average.
In a month, I could be wrecking the curve.
This is insane.
I mean, I supported my thesis This paper is filthy with subtext.
Spellman, when are you going to realize? it doesn't matter how hard you work for Carlin-- "C" is the best grade anyone ever gets in his class.
Hilda, I don't care how dreamy Lou's eyes are love notes don't usually contain the words "or else.
" Oh, honey, I've got to go.
Hi, Sabrina.
How'd you do on your English paper? I got a freakin' "C," okay?! You're kidding.
I thought it was a wonderful paper.
I loved the way you identified Hawthorne's symbolic use of color-- Dimmesdale's white lofty brow Chillingworth's black heart and Hester Prynne's scarlet letter.
All leading to Sabrina's big fat "C.
" You know, maybe I'm just not cut out for college.
Maybe I should drop out, join a road crew and pick up trash along the highway.
I could meet interesting felons, work outdoors plus I'm one of the few people who looks really good in orange.
Honey, you're not picking up trash.
You're going to stay in school and finish your education.
You know, I used to love English.
It was always my favorite language.
But now I don't care if I read another novel as long as I live.
Oh, honey, I know plenty of tough graders but turning students off to learning really cracks my corn.
I'm going to give Professor Carlin a piece of my mind.
No, please, don't.
Look, I don't want Carlin singling me out because I cried to my auntie.
I'm not going in as your aunt.
I'm going in as an educator.
I'll be professional and discrete.
You know how good I am with people.
Oh, Professor, so sorry to hear your wife left you.
She did? Excuse me.
Are you Professor Carlin? Yes, I am.
I'm afraid I've already hired my graduate T.
A.
Oh, you thought I was a graduate Aren't you sweet.
That depends on who you ask.
And you would be? Single I mean, Zelda.
I mean, Professor Zelda Spellman.
Hi, Zelda.
I'm Arthur.
It's a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance.
I've been hearing wonderful things about you.
-Really? They say the quality of the science department's gone up 12 notches since you came aboard.
Well, I do have a passion for physics.
I try to use it to inspire my students.
That's very admirable.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So, uh, not that you need a reason but what brings you here? Oh, yes.
My niece Sabrina.
Ooh, I wasn't supposed to say that.
Oh, look, just between us, she's feeling very frustrated about her Hawthorne paper which I read and thought was quite good.
It was good but not great.
A great paper would have explored Hawthorne's frequent use of mirrors to reveal the characters in her thoughts and the emotional tension between them.
I'm surprised that wasn't obvious to you.
Well, I just skimmed it, really.
But the issue is bigger than this one paper.
I'm afraid that by being so tough on your students you're destroying their morale.
Zelda, I know I'm not the world's easiest teacher but I feel my role is to raise the bar and show these kids that they're capable of doing better.
That's what's going to prepare them for the demands of the real world.
It's true.
It's very competitive out there.
Things were so much simpler when I went to school.
We went to class during the day, studied at night and fought the Ottoman Empire on the weekends.
Rival football team.
Football fan, are you? Well, I certainly could be.
So, did you talk to Carlin? Oh! We chatted some.
Well, what did he say? Oh, this and that.
What this? What that? Well, he said that if you work harder you'll get a better grade and something about mirrors that I didn't quite understand.
That's all you got out of it that I should work harder? That's the gist of hit.
Got to go.
Whoa, whoa.
I get the feeling there's something you're not telling me.
Oh, all right.
Professor Carlin and I have a date tonight.
A date? You went in there to bolster student morale and you came out dating the enemy? Sweetheart, he's not Saddam Hussein.
He's a man of strong convictions trying to get the best out of his students.
I'm convinced that if you really apply yourself your hard work will pay off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks for nothing, Aunt Sellout.
This is incredible.
I can't believe I got an "A" on the Hemingway paper.
That's the first "A" Professor Carlin's given out this decade.
You know, I didn't believe it but I guess it's true-- if you really apply yourself your hard work will be rewarded.
So, what time are you picking me up for our date tonight? The sooner the better.
Looks like you're not the only one who's applying herself.
What does that mean? Your aunt's doing all the work and you're the one getting rewarded.
Congratulations on your "A.
" Stop staring at me.
I can't help it.
I never thought that you would be the one to rip apart the moral fabric of academia.
What can I say? I'm good with my hands.
For the hundredth time my "A" had nothing to do with my aunt dating Professor Carlin.
Miles, would you just lay off of her? We should admire Sabrina.
Thank you, Roxie.
She was just using her wits and her aunt's body to get the grade she couldn't earn on her own.
I did earn it.
That "A" was a huge accomplishment for me.
Of course-- another milestone in your insatiable quest to climb the ladder of corruption and evil.
Hey, I'm on your side.
Remember me when you reach the top.
"Through his juxtaposition of the ravages of war "to the beauty of the landscape "Hemingway reveals his personal code in a world fraught with cruelty and suffering.
" This is a darn good paper.
I earned that "A.
" Or maybe this is an average paper and I earned the eternal contempt of my friends and classmates.
I need another opinion.
Where am I going to find someone who's impartial and objective with a strong ethical sense? Greetings, little lady.
May I please speak to the feline of the house? What are you doing? Branching out from the Internet to direct sales.
I need your opinion on my new products.
"Saberhagen's Miracle Worm Elixir? Eliminates worms, blemishes and limp-whisker syndrome.
" What's in this? ( laughing ): Like I'd tell you.
Patent Pending.
Salem, I don't have time for your snake oil Hucksterism.
I got to figure out whether I earned that "A" or if Professor Carlin just gave it to me 'cause he's dating Aunt Zelda.
Dating? For the past week, he's been chasing her around the house like an animal in heat.
Speaking of which can I interest you in a home spaying kit? "An animal in heat"? $12.
99, and you get a full refund should you inadvertently have kittens.
Professor Carlin, do you have a minute? Uh, maybe later, Sabrina.
I have a class if I could just get this door open.
I'll be quick.
I just wanted to talk to you about this thing between you and my aunt.
Ah, yes, the exquisite Zelda.
Hey, you never told me your aunt was a vision of loveliness.
Not unlike the young Lady Chatterley.
Funny, I don't know how that didn't come up in class.
Listen, can I ask you about my grade? You must be quite pleased about finally getting that "A.
" I'm outraged.
It's one thing to work hard for an "A" but it's another to be handed one you may not deserve because your aunt is dating your English professor.
I don't like what you're implying.
Okay, maybe you didn't do it on purpose but if you were easier on me than everyone else that's just not right.
I don't understand-- first you complain my grades are too hard-- now they're too soft.
I just want what's fair.
I would really like it if you would reread my essay and give me the grade I deserve.
All right, fine.
If it will make you happy I'll take it home and have a look at it tonight.
What is with the doors in this building? Thank you.
No, Hilda, even if he is proven innocent.
I have no intention of double-dating in a hot tub with you, Lou and his brother Stu.
Oh, what now? Hey, foxy mama, what are you doing later? I knock off at 5:00.
I'm going to knock you off right now.
Hilda, I've got to go.
Salem, Arthur's going to be here any minute.
I can't have you driving around the living room on a forklift.
Sorry, but one of my boys called in sick.
Oh, feast your eyes on this baby.
I know I'm going to be sorry I asked this but what is that? Meet the Relax-a-Cat the one-stop feline pleasure center.
Let me demonstrate.
( low rumbling ) Oh, go work it, baby.
That's disgusting.
( doorbell rings ) Arthur's here.
Floor show's over.
In a minute.
This is the best part.
No, this is the best part.
( yelling ) Mmm peanut butter? Interesting.
Hi.
Hello.
You look absolutely ravishing.
Thank you.
I've always depended on the compliments of strangers.
I believe the correct Tennessee William's quote is "the kindness of strangers.
" I was making a joke.
Oh, well, I'll get my bag.
We'll be on our way.
Hey, Zelda, what is all this junk? Just a few odds and ends.
Shouldn't we be going? "The Ultimate Kitty Colon Cleanser.
" I'm thinking of starting a little business on the side.
I like to dabble in different fun things.
A cat colon cleansing company? You have to admit, you don't see anyone else doing it.
"Kitty Culottes"? "Feline Footwear"? Zelda, you shouldn't be wasting your time with this nonsense.
It's my time.
I can do what I want with it.
Why are you always telling me what I should and shouldn't do? It's just I hate dabblers.
You also hate wines that aren't from France restaurants without Maitre d's That's not true.
I enjoyed Bonfire of the Vanities.
Of course, that was after a bottle of excellent French burgundy.
As usual, you're missing the entire point.
You criticize everything.
Zelda, all I was trying to say was it's the dabblers and dilettantes of the world who lower the bar and undermine the work of serious thinkers.
And it's the narrow-minded judgmental blowhards of the world who stifle creativity.
I hate those people, too.
I was talking about you.
Is that another joke? Do you see me laughing? Hey, Salem, you left your sample case at my house and there's an awful odor coming from it.
Yeah, that worm elixir has a shelf life of one hour.
But I got a new idea that'll go through the roof.
Flea-nut Butter.
Actually that doesn't sound too bad but I just might be giddy because of my moral victory with Professor Carlin.
I might be getting a lower grade.
Woo-hoo! Zelda: You pompous jerk! Carlin: You frivolous little dilettante.
You should really be happy now.
Sounds like Zelda's going to score you an "F.
" Woo-hoo! Oh, no.
I have had it with your nit-picking perfectionism always demanding that I do better.
Hello! Physically impossible.
I was trying to inspire you.
But obviously, you're a hopeless case.
You infuriate me.
You disgust me.
You repulse me.
Are we going to kiss now? No.
Just checking.
Hi, guys.
Care for some dried fruit? No, thank you.
I was just leaving.
Oh, come on.
The figs are really yummy.
Yummy? You call yourself a college student? You sound like a five-year-old.
How dare you insult my niece? No, no, no.
He was right to insult me.
I'd like to substitute "yummy" with "gastronomically pleasing.
" Don't pander to him.
If you want to say "yummy," you say "yummy.
" If you want to call him a big dummy, you go right ahead.
But I don't want to.
Well, I do.
Dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy! Nanny-nanny-nanny goat.
And on that mature note, I bid you adieu.
Wait! Wait! She doesn't know what she's saying! She's not my real aunt! I am so getting an "F.
" So, we're into bribes now.
That is so Godfather.
I like it.
It might be my last chance to salvage a decent grade.
You really think pork pate and a hard salami is going to help you? And what's that stuff? Flea-nut butter.
I'm desperate.
Good morning, Professor Carlin.
Hello, Sabrina.
I just wanted to bring you some things to apologize for the whole dilettante aunt debacle.
"Debacle"? It's a good word.
Definitely a step up from "yummy.
" You know, who was I to argue with your whole grading method? Some naive college student, that's who.
So, I say let bygones be bygones.
You know, we go back to the original grade, start fresh.
Pate? No, thanks.
Sabrina, I reread your paper, and you were right.
The grade I gave you wasn't fair.
So I changed it.
Why did I open my big mouth? A-plus? Are you drunk? When I went through it again I discovered nuances I'd missed on the first read.
You did a truly superior job.
You deserved a better grade.
Even though my aunt called you pompous? Well, I can be a bit pompous sometimes.
I'm afraid I owe Zelda an apology.
You know, Professor Carlin, I just want to point out that you have a lot of bright, motivated students.
And I think it's great that you want to raise the bar but sometimes you have to meet us halfway.
Point taken.
Miss Spellman, you've a lot of gumption.
"Gumption"? Is that the best word you can come up with? Yes, it was.
And I'm fine with that; great word.
Great to see you again, Lou.
The years have been good to you.
You, too.
We got some memories, don't we, Saberhagen? We'll always have Bangkok.
Hmm, you know, I thought I was a goner this time.
Thank God for that ditzy blond who kept winking at me from the jury box.
That's my Hildy.
So, let's get down to business.
Ready to buy me out make a fortune cleaning cat colons? I've done worse.
Yeah.
To me.
( laughing ) Schnapps? Please.
To us.
( low humming ) ( chuckling ): Oh I got the good jet.