Sabrina The Teenage Witch Episode Scripts

Witch Way Out

- Good morning, Sabrina.
- Hi, there.
Bye there.
I'm off to work.
You're late for work again? You better be careful or you'll get sick.
And for goodness sakes, put on a jacket.
And be sure to call and give us an idea of when you'll be home, otherwise, I'll just sit up and worry.
Isn't that neckline a little low, young lady? Guys, I appreciate your concern, but I'm a grown-up.
I can take care of myself.
Fine, but it really is cold out there.
I can handle it.
Holy cheese and crackers.
Cold, cold, cold.
Now, do you wanna come in and get your coat? I said I could handle it.
Oh, great, how am I supposed to get my keys? My neck is stiffer than my writing.
This is bad.
I've been working around the clock, help me shake this writer's block.
Whew! Not what I was going for, but, uh, this is nice too.
Oops.
How long have you been standing there? Long enough to realize that you are a very beautiful woman.
That was forward of me.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't be sorry.
Be, um, continuing.
Heh.
- I'm Victor.
- Sabrina.
Yeah, I just bought this chair because I'm, uh, researching a story about loafing.
So are you a freelancer? I own a record label, and I was just dropping off some promotional material.
Oh, well, then we have something in common.
You own a record label, and I own a label maker.
This is totally out of the blue, but, um, do you have plans tonight? Not really, except for writing and vibrating.
I own this gallery, and we're having an opening tonight.
Would you like to join me? I was supposed to go for seafood with my roommates.
I hear there's gonna be really good food.
Let's see, going to a gallery opening with a handsome single guy, or fighting with Roxie over a tiny bag of oyster crackers? - I'll buy you a sculpture.
- Sold.
Ha, ha.
Hey, Harv, what brings you by? Oh, nothing special.
You know, I haven't seen you in a while, and I miss you.
- What do you want to watch? - Canadian celebrity hockey.
I'm gonna get cable one of these days, I swear.
Well, watch away.
I'm not even gonna be here.
But I am.
Dr.
Dolittle's on tonight.
Something about a talking animal just cracks me up.
Oh, no.
It looks like I'm getting crows feet right here.
Oops.
- Why did that happen? - Who knows? Do I have to explain everything? Ever since you've been on this "I'm a grown-up" kick, you've hardly used your magic.
It's pent up and it's gonna come out.
You know, I've been doing fine without magic.
Maybe I'll just give it up.
Wait a minute.
How are you gonna quit magic? Go to Witch Watchers? No, I'll just store it in this container.
I can't believe you'd give up your magic.
It's so much a part of you.
Well, I don't really need it anymore.
And lately, every time I try to use it, like tonight at the office, I almost get busted.
Are you sure that will hold it? Yeah, Tupperware is the only thing that can hold magic.
They say Houdini died of locked-in freshness.
There.
Good to the last drop.
I know what you're thinking.
I don't want you anywhere near this.
Oh, come on.
Just a little? I don't wanna be a cat anymore.
Harvey, you hold on to it.
Wow.
It doesn't want to leave you.
Aw, my magic goo has separation anxiety.
Come on, Salem, we'll have a great time.
We've got soda, we've got popcorn, and we've got four hours of Canada's brightest TV stars playing hockey.
Hey, Harvey, want to come to dinner with us? It's this really fun seafood place.
The bathrooms are for wenches and mateys.
That sounds cool.
Alan Thicke is about to sing "O, Canada.
" You guys go ahead.
Actually, um, there's been a change of plans.
See, I met this guy, and he told me about an opening in an art gallery with music and food - Oh.
- We get what you're saying.
Good.
I didn't wanna disappoint you.
Oh, don't worry.
We can go to dinner any old time.
- We'll be ready to go in two minutes.
- Guys.
Sabrina, it's okay.
We know how awkward it is to go to a party where you don't know anybody.
That's what we're here for.
And don't worry, I won't wear my best stuff, so you'll still look pretty.
Sometimes, I swear, they are two of the most dense people I know.
I wonder if we'll ever have a Canadian president? Maybe there's a gas leak in this house.
I gotta say, this great gallery opening you wanted us to come to kind of sucks.
Yeah, and next time, do us a favor, don't drag us to your artsy-fartsy party.
Okay, well, if this isn't your thing, you still have time to go to dinner without me.
No, I mean, we're here, and I did my hair, and Roxie put on deodorant.
Since we're stuck here amongst these losers, we should come up with a safe word.
Safe word? Code word, in case we get cornered by some geek.
Or someone poor.
Okay, how about zoo? Sabrina, the whole point of a safe word, is that it wouldn't come up in normal conversation.
Zoo won't work.
"Oh, this place is a zoo.
" "What a zoo it is in here.
" "Sure, I'll make out in the monkey house at the zoo.
" Okay, kazoo.
How's that? Fine, kazoo.
Come on, Roxie, I'll teach you how to pick up a cater waiter.
So, what do you think of the gallery? Oh, I like this, uh, tangled chrome thingy.
It's too bad somebody left their orange in it.
I think that's part of sculpture.
Oh, in that case, I may have just eaten a $6,000 banana.
Come on, buddy, pal, compadre.
How about sharing a little of Sabrina's mojo with me? Salem, Sabrina said no.
And I dated her.
No means no.
Fine.
But if I had that magic, I could turn you into a Canadian celebrity, and you could be out there on that ice having your teeth knocked out by k.
d.
Lang.
- No.
- Unh! This is much better, huh? Much.
Yeah, this certainly is the most comfortable piece of art I ever sat on.
So, uh, do you choose all the pieces yourself? Oh, no, no.
The gallery is just a side business.
My personal collection tends to be more eclectic.
Mine too.
I have 20 of the 50 state quarters.
Impressive.
Listen, let's get out of here.
I mean, why don't you come to my home for an after party.
And I'm gonna have a live band and really cool people, and I promise, it'll be much better than this.
Well, okay.
I mean, after all, I've already eaten all the art.
- I need to tell somebody I'm leaving.
- Okay.
- Hey, guys, listen, I - Kazoo.
Oh, don't you feel terrible for that poor supermodel outside? The way both of her straps just snapped off like that? Thank you.
Listen, Victor's having an after party at his house, so I can't go.
I have to get to the radio show.
That's okay.
I'll bring back as much food as I can stuff in my pockets.
Hello? Larry? Curly? You're not invited.
Can't you guys take a hint? Whoa.
And whoa is me too.
So you're going alone to a party at this guy's house? - You don't even know him.
Roxie's right.
You need someone to come along and watch your back.
It's called the buddy system.
I don't need a buddy, I don't need a chaperone, and I don't need you acting like my aunts.
I'm an adult.
I can take care of myself.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- Look, I'm sorry.
- Okay, whatever.
Have fun.
Come on, Morgan.
Well You have lipstick on your teeth, and I'm not going to tell you.
Is everything all right? Oh, yeah, you know, nothing an arm can't take care of.
All this just so I can thumb wrestle again.
Okay, let's make magic.
Oh, there's no stopping genius.
You are everything that I have been looking for.
On second thought, she can just buy herself the CD.
So, who's performing here tomorrow? The Three Tenors.
Oh, remind me, I have to stock the pantry full of luncheon meats.
Mr.
Victor, I must congratulate you.
It is the rarest collection I've seen yet.
Well, perhaps we can do business.
Let me walk you out.
Sabrina, please excuse me.
No problem.
Excuse me.
Pardon.
Sorry, not cutting in, just cutting through.
Right, no magic.
Well, I guess I'll have to do this with smarts, with know-how, with redial.
Gotta love today's technology.
Whoa.
Oh, my Kazoo.
He wants to cage me? Oh, boy, we got a bright one.
Are you a real leprechaun? Heck, no, I'm just some short Irish guy who happened to be caught drinking a Shamrock Shake.
Well, is everyone else in here a fake? Well, I believe the mermaid has implants, but I know Bigfoot's real.
The only thing Victor feeds him is campers.
Well, when Victor said he was a collector, I had no idea.
I'm gonna free all of you.
I swear.
But first I have to deal with this sicko.
I can't believe he has all 50 quarters.
"Reversing a human-to-cat spell.
" Make me human, make me whole, I'm sick of eating from a bowl.
Ugh.
Now the litter sand is gonna get stuck between my toes.
- There you are.
- Hey, where's everyone going? Well, everyone left.
You know, which is good, right? Because that means you and I can be alone.
Yeah, that's great.
But, um, I'm feeling a little peckish.
I don't suppose you have any crackers, or a cheeseburger would be great.
- If it's not too much trouble, a soufflé.
- I'll see what I have.
- The Goo Goo Dolls left some sushi.
- Oh, I like my sushi well done.
We're talking about girls who ditch their girlfriends as soon as a guy comes along.
You're on the air.
Were you ditched? Roxie, it's me, Sabrina.
Oh, it's not the ditchee.
It's the ditcher.
I need your help.
Of course you do, now! Seriously, Rox.
This guy's nuts.
Who, Mr.
Cashmere-Sock-Wearing Art-Gallery-After-Party-Thrower? Well, I didn't learn his last name, but it can't be that long.
He wants to add me to his gruesome collection.
That's right.
Put down the other girls if it makes you feel better.
Let's take another call.
No, Roxie, don't hang up on me.
Harvey, the phone.
What the heck is this? Oh, uh, I was just making some homemade jam.
Zucchini jam.
- Hello? - Morgan, it's me.
Oh, well, if it isn't Susie-Snooty-Society-Snob.
This is important.
Tell Harvey to come to Victor's party with the Tupperware.
It's a Tupperware party? Just tell him.
He'll know what I mean.
Victor is extremely handsome and hygienic.
And he lives in that big house on Post Road with the fountain full of peeing angels.
- Who is that? - Oh, my, uh, answering machine.
Kazoo, kazoo.
I was just saying hi to my cat.
Kazoo's a weird name for a cat.
Oh, then you don't want to know about her sister, Fluegelhorn.
This has been really great, but I really should get going.
Oh, no, that's not gonna work for me.
You know what they say, the guest is always right.
- It's the customer.
- Actually, I think it's the guest.
Um, why don't we look it up, compare notes tomorrow over the phone.
You know, I have been searching everywhere for a witch.
India, Guam, Wichita.
And that seemed like a sure thing.
And then, poof, you suddenly appear.
Witch? You think I'm a witch? Sometimes when someone gets in the express line with 11 items, I get a little cranky, but If you're not, then how did you make that massage chair magically appear? I saw a guy on TV make the Statue of Liberty disappear, I mean, ugh, how do you explain that? - Let's go.
- Victor, get real.
If I don't come home, my friends will be here to save me.
Your friends? You mean the two girls that you ditched at the gallery? It hardly seemed like they were your friends.
- Score.
What a shot I just don't understand.
Well, hockey is a very complicated game.
No, why are they showing this on TV? - Hey, Rox.
Are you okay? - I don't know.
Sabrina called me at the radio station, and I blew her off.
I think she might have wanted to talk.
Oh, she couldn't have been too upset.
She called here to ask Harvey to bring some Tupperware to Victor's party.
- That's a rave.
- What? How did she sound? Sick.
Sneezing all over the place.
Kachoo.
Kachoo.
Are you sure it wasn't kazoo? Why would someone sneezing say? Oopsie.
She was calling for help, and we ignored her.
Sabrina's in trouble.
I'll get the Tupperware.
I'd forgotten how good this feels.
Salem, what happened? These little piggies went to the freak show.
Help me, Harvey.
Okay, here's some magic.
Do something about that foot.
It's disgusting.
I have to admit, it is unsightly.
Magic spell gone kaput, help me fix this ugly foot.
Hmm.
That's better.
You're making a mistake.
If I was a witch, I'd be able to magically cast a spell and Silence! Oh, pizza's here.
Don't forget about the crazy bread.
Yeah, well, I think he's already had a few loaves of that already.
This is all my fault.
My friends tried to warn me.
All they were doing was trying to protect me, and all I did was treat them like dirt.
If I didn't have friends, I wouldn't be able to sneak on the rides at Six Flags.
Is Sabrina here? No, I think she left with a Goo Goo Doll.
There were party favors? It sounds like there is more than just one pizza boy up there.
Maybe it's my friends.
Okay, I gotta think.
I gotta come up with a plan.
I gotta find out what kind of conditioner that mermaid uses.
See, everyone's gone.
Oh, yeah, well, I think you're lying.
Come on, you guys, let's go.
I hate liars.
- What was that? - It must have been the pipes.
- And that? - Oh, no, I just remembered.
My Moroccan friend is getting a bikini wax.
Victor, you like art, right? You know, a lot of people tell me that I remind them of that painting, Venus on a Half Shell.
What do you think? Venus? Yeah, maybe.
Well, you have to imagine me without my clothes.
- I'll try.
- I've gotta give her props.
She's a very accomplished tart.
Go.
Sabrina? All right, now undress me with your eyes.
No, the zipper's in the back.
Sabrina? She must be in there.
And I'm the one with the drinking problem.
Ew.
Oh, that's right.
It's diet goo.
Sabrina, are you okay? I'm fine.
Oh, thanks, Harvey.
Oh, my God, it's so big and hairy.
Oh, don't worry, Harvey, it's in a cage.
No, there's a spider.
Oh, come on, Harvey, let's blow this joint.
Going somewhere? I know you're all grown up now and you don't wanna use your magic, but Yeah, whatever.
Look, Harvey, I've learned something tonight.
My friends and my magic.
And I wouldn't give them up for anything.
I should have stuck with stamps.
My work here is done.
Wait, what about us? Oh, sorry.
I completely forgot.
Uh, Mermaid, Sasquatch, back to your homes.
So, Angus, where would you like to go? Well, I got a wife and 12 kids back in Ireland.
Ireland it is.
Wait, are you nuts? Send me to Vegas.
Ireland it is.
Give thee some of my pot of gold.
Worth a shot.
Let's go.
Sabrina.
Roxie, Morgan.
I am so, so, so, so sorry.
I took you both for granted, I was a lousy friend, and I borrowed your clothes without telling you.
Wait, that wasn't part of it, but I'm really sorry about that.
Sabrina, it's okay.
We forgive you.
We just wanted you to be happy and safe.
I know, I know.
You guys are like my family.
Okay, okay, enough hugging.
Let's bolt.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
Relax, I was just gonna cut some firewood.
Would you all please leave? Hey, you may be a witch, but you don't impress me with all your fairy dust, sparkly Nice to have you back.
It was terrible.
Do you know how hard it is to shop for one sensible pump in a size 11 wide? Not now, Salem.
I'm feeling miserable.
Sabrina, we're just on our way Are you sick? Yes, I am.
Very.
I'll make chicken soup.
I'll get the thermometer.
Wait, we're doing it again.
Yeah, it's okay.
Do it.
Yep, we're being her aunts.
- Be them.
- We'll see you later, Sabrina.
No, but I'm feeling lousy here, guys.
Auntie Morgan, Auntie Roxie? Anti-histamine.