Sabrina The Teenage Witch Episode Scripts

It's a Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas

Jeez, louise.
It is miserable out there.
Uh, yeah, but nothing takes the chill out of your bones like a big old out-of-control office Christmas party.
Welcome, merry revelers.
Okay.
Well, uh, I guess the Hanukkah party was the one to be at.
But this could be fun too.
Where is everyone? Well, folks at this magazine aren't really into the office parties.
Olive? Roxie, where are you going? Sabrina, the Donner Party was better than this, with better food.
Come on, we're here.
You know, we can still have a good time.
There's gingerbread, there's Christmas music, and we still have 48 minutes on the meter.
Party hearty, ladies.
I'm heading off with Cole and James to my timeshare condo for a little Christmas carousing.
And, yes, we might get a little Blitzened.
Let's face it, the holidays are a letdown.
Always have been.
Not for me.
Christmas as a kid was so much fun.
Skating on the pond.
Sipping mulled cider by the fire.
Watching dad passed out on the couch.
- Too much eggnog? - No, Mom decked him.
Well, Miss Humbug, this year, the only decking that's gonna happen is the halls.
You know, Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la Or, um: Stop.
Boy, all this talk of Christmas carols and eggnog, dysfunctional parents, it really makes me miss my family.
Well, you know, this Christmas we can be our own family.
We'll go home and decorate the tree and hang our stockings, and we should probably do the Thanksgiving dishes.
Well, looks like my posse just bailed on me.
Say, do you Buffalo gals wanna come out tonight? Uh, I'm sorry, are you inviting us to a saloon? No, I've got this condo for the holidays, and Cole and James just bailed on me.
I don't suppose you ladies would be interested in a little winter getaway? - Condo's got a hot tub.
- That could be fun.
Excuse me, Sabrina, the last thing that we wanna do is go freeze our butts off on some mountain.
Mountain? No, no, the condo is in Miami.
- Miami? - Florida? America? Eighty degrees and sunny.
Going to Miami Going to Miami Going to Miami Going to Miami We are in Miami We are in Miami We are in Miami Hey, ladies, I think you got the Miami song down.
Whoa, Leonard, this place is incredible.
Yeah, awesome.
Thank you so much for inviting us.
It's so sweet of you.
There are, uh, locks on the bedroom doors, right? All right, you got the, uh, stereo.
You got the TV, DVD, VCR.
Oh, and here's the, uh, video collection.
Be kind, rewind.
Look, Roxie, nothing puts you in a Christmassy mood like It's a Wonderful Life.
Right, but this is "Es Una Vida Esplendida.
" Oh.
But it's still "con Jimmy Stewart.
" Okay, because this is a timeshare, there's a few house rules.
Uh, log all your phone calls, don't touch the thermostat, no fluids on the furniture, and, uh, keep out of the kitchen.
Other than that, let your hair down, enjoy yourself.
Whoa, there's no pets here.
Well, you could have told me when you picked us up.
What did you think I had in the air-holed carrier? Oh, I thought it was some feminine thing.
And you needed to vent it.
Sabrina, these resort condos always have kennels for pets.
Fine, I'll put him in a kennel.
Salem, don't give me that look.
You're the one that talked me into bringing you.
Oh, I read this book, The Cat Whisperer.
Well, I am going to change and then go lounge by the pool.
Which outfit would make you flirt with me more? Well, the red one gets my blood going.
Ah, green it is.
Great, this whole place looks like Santa's village.
Roxie, it's Christmastime, in Boston, in Florida, everywhere.
Well, except in parts of the Middle East where ironically it all started.
I'll just stay here and read.
No, come on.
Come down to the pool and enjoy yourself.
All right, but just because it's too stuffy up here.
Your warm? Hey, no problemo.
Check out this state-of-the-art ceiling fan.
You got updraft, downdraft, cross-breeze Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Joy to the world The Lord is come Let earth receive her king If I didn't know better, I'd say you were getting into the Christmas spirit.
Maybe.
You can't tell me that baritone in the board shorts isn't bringing some joy to your world.
Guys, there's going to be a beauty contest.
I may be the next Miss Wet-Christmas.
Wet-Christmas? I don't who should be more offended, women or Irving Berlin.
Huh.
I thought once they tore down that wall, there was no more Irving Berlin.
You know, Morgan, I think I'm getting Roxie into the Christmas spirit.
Ooh! Speaking of which, I forget to get her a present.
Let's see what they have over here.
Huh! Wow.
Looks like Santa's been summering at the gym.
Hmm.
Let's go see if he's naughty or nice.
Hi, I'm Morgan.
Hello, Morgan.
What do you want for Christmas? Let's see, a BMW 5 Series would be nice.
Maybe some six-karat earrings Gee, thanks.
- I don't remember asking for the flu.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that real fur? I think Santa's allergic to your clothes.
Oh.
Well, that's too bad.
I'll go change.
- Aren't you next? - Uh, yeah, but, you know, I Now that I'm up here, I feel kind of silly.
Hey, hey! Back off, sister.
Have you been a good girl? Well, I gave some money to charity.
I, uh, volunteered at a shelter.
Okay, in April, I looked at the answers before I did a crossword puzzle and then I acted all smart.
Why don't you take a break, sweetie? Maybe some guys wanna sit on Mrs.
Claus' lap.
Sabrina, do you have any? Oh, my God.
- Mom.
- Mom? Aw, sweetheart, it's so good to see you.
Why didn't you tell me you were out of prison? I'm guessing Hallmark doesn't make a card for that occasion.
Uh, listen, I wanted to get back on my feet before I saw you, so Zack and I took this job playing Santa at all the resorts.
Oh, meet Zack, my boyfriend.
Nice to meet you.
I'm crazy about your mom.
She stole my heart.
And then she pawned it, right? Whoa.
Oh, two Santa's in one family? I mean, what are the odds? Roxie, you have every right to feel the way you do about me.
But I've changed, I really have.
Right, and the check's in the mail and the dog ate my homework and apple-cinnamon candles make a great gift.
Roxie? - That didn't go the way I hoped.
Well, she's just kind of shocked to see you.
At least now you know not to get her an apple-cinnamon candle.
No, I can't blame her.
I was really a pretty lousy mother.
Don't worry, I'll talk to her.
You know, by this time tomorrow you guys will be swapping outfits.
Well, maybe not that outfit.
Be a good kitty and keep quiet.
We don't cotton to troublemakers around here.
- Hi.
- Oh.
Hey, look who dropped by unexpectedly.
It's Candy, who paid her debt to society and is trying to win back the affection of her daughter - during this most forgiving of seasons.
- Sabrina.
Well, hello there.
Welcome to my crib.
Oh, thank you.
It's very nice.
Well, make yourself comfortable, but don't touch anything.
I'm losing the sun on the balcony.
I'm going back down to the pool.
Oh, hi.
- Are the Rockettes playing here? - No, no, this is Candy, Roxie's mom.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Listen, I'm a designer and I'd be glad to put together a new look for you.
You know, now that you're out of "the big house.
" We'll stay away from stripes and jump suits.
You must be Morgan.
And I must be going.
The sun waits for no man.
You know what, I think I'm gonna go down to the pool.
Oh, come on, Roxie.
Stay and talk to your mom.
Sorry, it's just not the same without two phones and a Plexiglas window.
We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas Hey, how about that? Room service delivers holiday cheer.
I get the feeling she's trying to avoid me.
Funny, I didn't know you had feelings.
- merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas Come on, Roxie, it's Christmas.
This is the perfect time to work things out.
Sabrina, why is this so important to you? You wanna know why? Because your mom's family and at least she's here.
Some of us don't have that, Roxie.
I have great Christmas memories of my mom, but, unfortunately, I can't be with her right now.
Don't you get it? Mom's the reason I'm trying to block out the holiday.
Wait, sweetheart, please, come here and sit down.
Come on.
Is this about the used gifts again? It wasn't just the gifts.
Do you realize we never even had a real Christmas? Other families went ice skating or sipped mulled cider.
Ooh! We don't have mulled cider, but the last tenants left a bottle of grape juice that's going bad.
Sweetheart, what did you expect? Your dad up and left me.
I was scrimping just to make ends meet.
Mom, look up scrimping.
It doesn't involve high-speed chases.
Goodbye.
- and a happy New Year Good tidings You know, that song has 11 verses.
So you might as well stay and work things out.
It's never too late to start to make good Christmas memories.
- Leonard, let's go down to the pool.
- No, I still gotta work on the fan.
Ah, the gift shop is selling Miami Vice action figures.
- Hmm, I did break my Crockett.
- Okay.
All right, well, you know, you guys just give it a try.
Go back to the beginning and try to hash it out.
But just don't go back too far.
This is a timeshare.
Hey, what happened to the - your kin Good tidings for Christmas And a happy New Year And now our costume competition continues with Contestant Number 8, Morgan Cavanaugh.
Cute getup, babe, but what's the Christmas theme? I'm Vixen.
I'm looking for a nice gift for my friend.
You know, something earthy, organic, but definitely not apple cinnamon.
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Oh, hey, Roxie.
I'm just looking for a gift for myself.
Uh, you know, because I'm worth it, darn it.
Ha, ha.
- How did things go with your mom? - We talked things out.
Actually, we yelled things out, but it ended really well.
And for once when she hugged me goodbye, it wasn't to use me as a human shield.
Hey, a human shield is just a hug facing out.
Well, I better hit the hay.
I need my beauty sleep for the finals tomorrow.
Yeah, I need a shower, rinse off some of this chlorine.
You guys go on.
I'm gonna pick out a present for my mom.
Hey, thanks for helping us patch things up.
I thought it was impossible, but you made it happen.
You know, that's what the Christmas spirit is all about.
It's about helping people, not presents.
But in case you're looking, I'm a Size 2.
You brokered a reunion between Roxie and her mother? - I am impressed.
- Yeah.
They should send you to work out that whole Midwest crisis.
It's useless, Morgan.
The Dakotas will never get back together.
This poster has never been put to better use.
Don't worry, fellas, I'll contact Bob Barker.
He'll get you out of here.
Time to mellow out.
I'll put on some Luther Vandross and Oh, my God.
Everything is gone.
What happened? I think maybe Roxie's mom stole Christmas.
You know, I must have misjudged Candy.
She seemed like she wanted to turn over a new leaf.
Instead she turned over the whole condo.
Well, don't just stand there, Leonard.
Start videotaping what was stolen.
You know, Sabrina, this is all your fault.
No smoking, no pets, no felons.
We should call the police.
Wait, wait, wait.
Roxie's gonna be devastated.
Maybe I can get our stuff back before Roxie finds out.
I think she'll catch on when she has to brush her teeth with her finger.
I've gotta go talk to Candy.
- Hey, guys, what's new? - Not a thing.
The food at the midnight buffet.
But it's only, like, 11.
Then we can be there when the countdown starts for the giant cheese ball to drop.
Sabrina, the food hasn't even been put out yet.
Or someone got their money's worth out of the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Ooh.
Okay, you go distract Roxie.
Okay.
How? Haven't you ever distracted anyone before? Well, yeah, but I don't think she's gonna fall for the "Oops, my strap broke" trick.
Eh, it's worth a shot.
Now, Leonard All I want to know is where were you between the hours of? I don't know because you stole my watch too.
This is ridiculous.
Your boyfriend here is accusing me of ripping off your condo.
Well, we'll get back to the disturbing boyfriend comment in a minute, but our condo was robbed.
You're calling me a thief? How about, um, merchandise relocation engineer? Come on, when you were up there earlier, I saw you eyeing my humidifier.
It was a graduation present and I want it back.
- Hey, what's going on? - Oh, nothing.
I'm just having a nightcap and being falsely accused.
Your friends think that your mom ripped off your condo.
Wait, now you're putting words in my mouth.
By coincidence, they're the very words I was gonna use.
Roxie, I swear, I didn't steal anything.
I don't do that anymore.
Well, Mom, it's just like old times.
Thanks for disappointing me again.
I hope you're satisfied.
Yeah, nice going.
What is this, walk-away-from-Sabrina night? I'm just curious, why would that boyfriend comment be disturbing? Not the right time, gotcha.
Leonard, maybe I was wrong.
I was just trying to help, but now Roxie hates Candy.
Candy hates me.
Yep, I've managed to destroy Christmas for just about everybody.
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding Oh, bring us a figgy For crying out loud, learn another song! Salem, what are you doing here? I busted out of that kennel.
- They treated us like animals.
- I'm sorry I had to put you in there.
If it's any consolation, things aren't good on the outside, either.
We were robbed.
Robbed? Who did it? I don't know, but it would be cool if it was Roxie's mom since I accused her.
I'll help you solve the crime if you let me stay here.
Fine, but you have to hide when Leonard's around.
- Cat dander gives him a body rash.
- Deal.
So, Detective Spellman, maybe we should use what psychic investigators call "retrocognition.
" Or we could use what witches call "going back in time to see who did it.
" Okay, let's see what was going on here a few hours ago.
Ooh, it's a good thing I learned how to drive stick.
I think you went back a little too far.
Relax, Salem, they're herbivores.
Well, then throw them someone named Herb and let's get out of here.
Okay, now we're closer.
Uh, should I hide? Okay.
Let's get out of here before he pulls a full Leonard.
Is he gone? All clear, and we're here.
I think we have our culprit.
It's Oscar De La Hoya.
It's Zack.
And he's taking Leonard's TV.
He's stealing the VCR and the DVD? The stereo with the MP3.
Why, that rotten old Zack even stole the tp.
Keep that up and you're gonna be The Cat in the Hat Went Splat.
Cheer up, you got your criminal.
Mystery solved.
It's not that simple.
I can't exactly tell Roxie how I know Zack did it.
I have to show her proof.
Yeah, good luck.
Tell me what you think of this plan.
I just came up with it.
Well, actually, I saw it on an old episode of Columbo.
As soon as the judges tally up their results, we'll have our new Miss Wet-Christmas.
- How did I do? - I have to hand it to you.
I never thought gargling was a talent, but you really pulled it off.
It's a gift.
I tell you what, why don't I videotape you when they announce the winner? Oh, darn, I left the video camera upstairs.
Sabrina, we have one thing that isn't stolen and you leave it in the room? Tell you what, you know what, if you win, I'll go get the video camera.
We'll reenact your victory.
Okay, but I get final approval on who plays me.
Hey, Candy, where's Zack? Why? You got something you wanna blame him for? Just come with me.
Roxie, you too.
- What's going on? - You'll see.
Hey, Leonard, you wanna help me nab the perp? I'll come with you, but I'm not gonna be part of your whole crime-fighting SWAT-team shtick.
Freeze, scuzzball.
So, what's the big revelation? I don't get it.
I thought for sure he'd come to steal the video camera.
- Who, Zack? - Zack? Are you kidding me? Zack is one of the most decent men I've ever met.
- Oh, stupid cat.
- Ah, here's your proof.
I don't believe this.
This is an invasion.
I feel totally violated.
How could you bring that cat back in here? Uh, Leonard, bigger issues? You actually let them think that I did it? You can't treat my mom like this.
She's way too good for you.
Oh, come on.
She's just bitter that I beat her to it.
Wrong, loser.
She's through with that life.
Yeah, and I'm through with you.
Look at this, the two of you side-by-side intimidating some creep who stole all our stuff.
This is what Christmas is all about.
All right, all right, I'll give you back your stuff.
We won't go until we get some We won't go until we get some We won't I'm guessing they won't go until they get some, so, uh, anybody got some? You know, nothing says Christmas Eve like warming my toes in front of a picture of a fire.
I propose a toast.
To Sabrina, who restored my good name.
To Sabrina.
And to a condo filled with attractive babes.
I'm not helping myself, am I? Oh, and to our new Miss Wet-Christmas.
Sorry we didn't videotape you being crowned.
Oh, that's okay.
I wasn't actually crowned.
Is this more like the kind of Christmas you were thinking about, sweetheart? Yeah, kind of.
But being in Florida, it doesn't really feel like Christmas.
Hey, look, it's snowing.
- What? - Snowing? - No way.
Are you kidding? Oh, my God, it is snowing.
You know how you've always wanted to go ice skating with your mom? Look, the pool's frozen.
We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year Good tidings we bring To you and your kin Now, that is the very picture of Christmas.
Watching them makes we wanna do something Christmassy.
You know, we haven't tried the hot tub yet.
Tell you what, Leonard, when that freezes over, count me in.
Good tidings on Christmas And a happy New Year You know, Roxie, I still feel bad I never had time to buy you a present.
You gave me the best present ever: The chance to go ice skating with my mom.
Oh, actually, that was from both of us.
Oh, guys, I almost forgot.
Leonard sent us a card.
I get dibs on any cash.
Oh, it's a bill.
"Crumbs on the carpet, $12.
Failure to rewind yule log, $9.
Rubbing lotion on Morgan, priceless.
" And a happy New Year