Sabrina The Teenage Witch Episode Scripts

Ping, Ping A Song

Touch that remote and I'll use you for a scratching post.
You threatening me, cat? Sounds like it, Kinkle.
Sweet victory.
No one.
No one is taking this away from me.
Thanks, Harvey.
Hurry up.
It's time for National Superstars.
Coming through.
National Superstars is about to start.
Did I miss anything? Does it matter that I was just watching TV? Were you gonna watch National Superstars? - No.
- Then it doesn't matter.
This is the finale.
Clay's gonna sing against Tanya.
Oh, I wouldn't mind making a little dreidel out of Clay.
I just love watching someone's dreams coming true right before our eyes.
I love the public humiliation.
I love the fashion horror show.
That's it? Nobody has a story idea? Well, Annie, it's been kind of a slow week.
I mean, no rappers got arrested, no movie stars were hospitalized for "exhaustion.
" Come on, a new trend, a new band.
There must be a story we haven't done.
Okay, last night on National Superstars which I only watched because my roommates made me, they announced they're gonna do their next show in Boston.
Maybe we could do a story on that.
- That show is so lame.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Seriously, I cannot believe people watch that junk.
There's no way Clay should have won, okay? Tanya was so much better.
Tanya is hot.
Rosie O'Donnell hot.
Okay, you all got to get a life, all right? Clay rocks.
Okay, great story idea, can't do it.
Absolutely no reporters allowed.
Well, what if I hide my little hat that says "press"? No reporters allowed? Uh, what's the big deal? It's not like it's a crime scene.
Well, except when Tanya murdered "My Heart Will Go On.
" Great story idea.
Between you and me, it's been a dream to be on National Superstars.
I sing the hell out of "Lady Marmalade.
" That's it.
I'll enter undercover as a contestant.
That way there's nothing stopping me from getting a great story.
Well, except abject fear.
Well, you probably wouldn't be so afraid if you had a, uh, partner in crime? - I see where you're going, Leonard.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Know what? I'll call Roxie and Morgan and see if they wanna do it with me.
Yeah, they'll get a kick out of it and I'll have two more contestants to interview.
Ha, ha.
- Thanks, Leonard.
- Fine.
You can have my dream, but you're not getting my costume.
As we prepare for our National Superstars audition, the air is full of tension, excitement, and cheap hairspray.
Not to mention people who aren't reporters talking into their hand.
I know we're kind of being used to further your career, but this is the best way I have been used in years.
- Yeah, thanks for forcing us to do this.
- No problem.
You know, it really means a lot to have you guys here.
I don't think I could do this alone.
You really are the best pals a gal ever had.
That's our name.
Gal Palz.
But with a Z.
Okay, as long as I don't have to change my name to Zabrina.
I know we're not here to win, but that guy's really good.
Yeah, he's all right.
You know, if you like rhythm and perfect pitch.
But does his name have a Z in it? - Thank you, Zeke.
- Thank you.
All these people are really good.
Usually, there's at least one act that stinks.
- Uh-oh.
- I didn't think this through.
If we sing, people are gonna be celebrating our public humiliation.
And I've never won a contest where I wasn't wearing a bikini.
I got a lot of flak from the other kids in the spelling bee for that.
But, guys, guys, wait, I mean, you can't back out now.
But, I'm so nervous, I think my throat's closing up.
- I gotta get out of here.
- Me too.
Oh, nothing's ever easy.
We're next to sing No time to debate Send me magic lozenges So our voices sound great Wow, "Aunt Lorraine's Talent Lozenges.
Now with 25 percent more talent.
" Guys, wait, look.
Win or lose, it'll be fun if we do it together.
You know, you just have pre-audition jitters.
Why don't we all relax and take a lozenge.
I don't think a simple lozenge is gonna Whoa, this does feel good.
Is this honey lemon, because I don't really Oh, eat it.
And now, welcome our next contestants to the National Superstars auditions.
Gal Palz.
Ladies.
No, you're never gonna get it Ow! Never ever gonna get it No, not this time No, you're never gonna get it My love Never ever gonna get it Ah, ah, ah So maybe next time You give your woman a little respect So you won't be hearing her say No way No you're never gonna get it Sweet lovin' - Never ever gonna get it - Sweet lovin' - No, you're never ever gonna get it - My lovin' Never ever gonna get it Ooh, bop Fantastic.
Nice job.
We're gonna take a quick break.
We'll be right back after this.
Good job.
Is it me, or did we actually sound decent? Decent? We rocked.
Wow, you guys sounded amazing.
Which is weird, because I've heard the three of you sing in the car.
To be honest, I thought it was engine trouble.
Well, we practiced, and you know, this place has really good acoustics.
Plus, we may have taken some magic lozenges.
So you really thought we were good? - Magic lozenges? - Well, it was an emergency.
You know, Roxie and Morgan were gonna bail on me and I wouldn't have an article.
Plus, I did have a little tickle.
Here, you can have them.
See, all through.
No harm done.
Sabrina, we're in.
We're semi-finalists.
- What? - They just announced it.
- Come on.
- This wasn't supposed to happen.
I have what I need for my article.
How's my hair? "Warning.
Excess exposure to limelight may have adverse effects.
" Adverse effects? Thank you, thank you.
Oh, without you people, we're nothing.
Ha, ha.
No, without these you're nothing.
Can you believe that we have hair and makeup appointments at 10? I didn't even call until last night.
Well, being famous means no waiting.
You know, it's too bad none of us needs a kidney.
Hey, did you guys know there's someone going through your trash? Well, Harvey, we are kind of famous.
I mean everybody wants their Gal Palz souvenirs.
Everything we touch turns to money.
Hurry up.
We're gonna be late.
Aren't you guys going to work? I'm taking a leave of absence.
They were very understanding.
Of course, when our record hits number one, I'll blow off that dead-end job like a doublewide in Kansas.
And if I had a job to quit, I'd blow it off too.
Ooh.
Get job.
Quit.
And this is my job, remember? I'm doing a story here.
This isn't about the fame or the glory, or Limo's here.
Gotta go.
Hey, wait, wait.
We need to talk about you and these lozenges and this little warning label.
Look, just leave any of your concerns on my machine, okay? Why are you just sitting there? Can't you see that something's wrong? All I see is a couple of girls enjoying their moment in the sun.
And it being rained on by some Harvey downer.
Well, I guess a little fame isn't such a bad thing.
It gives them a little boost.
A little thrill.
And gives us a lot of cash.
Now, I'll hop on eBay, you go cut their sheets into one inch squares.
And now, the moment all of America, including Puerto Rico and Guam, has been waiting for.
Who will be the two National Superstar finalists? For some, the dream will end here.
Morgan, wanna explain that shimmy you did at the end of our number? Yeah, what was that? You looked like Tina Turner having a seizure.
And Roxie, what's with you standing in front of me during my close-up? She had to.
We thought you were gonna French kiss the camera.
Here it is.
Our National Superstar finalists are Zeke Tyler.
Thank you.
Oh, please.
- Pity vote.
- It's all about his hair.
And our other finalist is Or should I say are.
Gal Palz.
Ladies, congratulations.
We all know you're good friends.
But did you ever dream you would make it this far as singers? - No, actually, I just wanna say that - Not in a million years.
Not unless it was as a solo act.
Which might happen sooner than you think.
Mr.
Colin, I always believed I would make it in music.
If I could just find the right singers to back up my voice.
Hello? They might wanna hear what the blonde has to say.
After all, I'm the one who started this singing group.
Well, let the blonde say what she wants.
- She always does.
- Yes, you always do.
Even though, based on our fan mail, people seem to be a bit more interested in the redhead then they are in the blonde.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't walk away from me.
You can't do this without me.
I pick the songs.
I arrange them, and I drove.
And to the right is the couch where the Gal Palz kick back and watch the tube as they sip their favorite libation, strawberry smoothies, available in the kitchen for 3.
95.
What is all the racket? I mean, can't someone get a little peace and quiet around here while they recharge their creative For the love of crying out loud.
I'm sorry, the help enters through the back door.
Need the bathroom? There's a Chevron on the corner.
And there's some of that sassy Sabrina spirit we've all come to love.
Salem, what are you doing? Cashing in, Your Diva-ness.
These people aren't the help.
They're paying customers, tourists, your fans.
The little people.
Oh, thank you all so much for coming.
I love all of you like family.
Now, exit through the kitchen and try not to touch anything.
Bye-bye.
I'm glad I can make your day.
Oh, who am I kidding? Your life.
Oh, and where do you two think you're going? If you think that I'm spending one more minute in this house after your scene-stealing tantrum last night, think again.
I am not the wind beneath your wings.
I am a star in my own right.
In your own mind.
This whole suburban granny's house thing is so not Roxie King.
It's frumpy, it's dated, it's drab, but it works for you.
Ciao.
Fine.
You know what? You two just saved me the trouble of having to throw the two of you out.
Thanks for getting the door.
It's in your future.
Get used to it.
I'm off to my photo shoot at Scorch.
Oh, look, there's my limo now.
What do you mean your limo? And what do you mean your photo shoot? Oh, it's the black limo.
You take it, Roxie.
It's more slimming.
Unh! I want a limo.
Hey, what's going on? I had to pay $15 to get in here.
For an extra 5, you can see the car and rub the cat's tummy.
Can it, Salem.
I have to talk to you.
I tried to catch you last night, but I couldn't keep up with your limo.
Oh, was that you banging on the trunk? Look, Harvey, I have no time, okay? I have to volumize my hair and launch a solo career before lunch.
Ha, ha, ha.
Like I eat lunch anymore.
Would you quit the diva act for two seconds and listen? Look, on the lozenge box it says: "Exposure to limelight may have adverse effects.
" What? It's not like I'm gonna be operating heavy machinery.
Don't you get it? These are adverse effects.
All this fame is making you act like some kind of egotistical movie star.
Really? Which one? Because I get Meg Ryan a lot.
I didn't wanna have to do this, but you leave me no choice.
This is last night's show.
Don't walk away from me.
You can't do this without me.
I pick the songs.
I arrange Oh, my gosh.
I was so ugly.
Yeah.
You really did look like a witch.
I am out of control.
Did I really call Roxie and Morgan no-talent hacks? If only you'd been that nice.
Maybe I need to check you into some kind of diva detox center.
No, no, now that I know what's going on, I can handle it.
I just have to stay out of the limelight and pull Roxie and Morgan out of it too before it completely destroys our friendship.
Come on, I'll drive.
It can't always be a limo.
You're right.
Right.
But I'm riding in the back and you're wearing a hat.
So, uh, how do you rate your competition in the finals? Oh, please.
Roxie has two left feet and Sabrina you'd think had three.
I meant the other finalists.
All right, Roxie, I think we're done.
Done? We haven't even started.
We've only shot coy Roxie and pouty Roxie.
My fans deserve to see serious Roxie and sporty Roxie.
I got a Roxie I'd like to show them.
Autopsy Roxie.
Oh, finally, the last of our divas has arrived.
I'm assuming you'll want your own hair and makeup people and bottled water.
No, no, no.
It's just me, Sabrina.
Lowly little Sabrina.
I came to talk to my friends and get out of here.
Morgan, come on, we're leaving.
First of all, I am not even talking to you.
Second of all, everything has to be booked through my manager.
And third of all, my manager isn't talking to you either.
Morgan, listen to me.
We've got to get out of the limelight.
It's destroying us and our friendship.
I mean, who cares about fame and fortune and our faces pasted on billboards? Uh, let me see.
I do.
Excuse me.
Can I take a couple of pictures of you guys? No, no, no.
No pictures, no flashes, no fawning.
Not until I finish my makeup.
Oh, no.
It's happening.
Must resist the limelight.
Stop.
And you have to too, Morgan.
Right, I've never resisted anything.
Click away, shutterbug.
Are you taking photos without me? I know what's going on.
You're trying to force me out of the group.
No, no, no.
I'm trying to force you out the door.
Okay, all this fame has gone to our heads and we've become awful ugly people.
Speak for yourself, Spellman.
My photos turned out great.
Guys, if you remember anything about our friendship, you'll remember that I'm the one who started this group.
Ooh.
Oh.
No.
Must protect my friends.
Friends are fleeting.
Fans are forever.
No, no, must stop.
Must be real person.
As soon as I finish this roll.
Love me, love me, love me.
Sorry, Sabrina, I finally found a parking Oh, no.
All right.
We gotta get you out of here.
Apparently, you're not as strong as you thought you were.
Oh, neither am I.
What am I gonna do? I mean, I can't spend the rest of my life locked in this house.
For one thing, we're almost out of Fudgesicles.
It's hard to believe that something billed as cool and refreshing can be so dark and destructive.
Well, you can throw those away.
I mean, they're the reason I got into this whole mess.
I want to give Aunt Lorraine a piece of my Wait a minute.
That's it.
I gotta get to the source of my problem.
Aunt Lorraine, when your throat's a pain.
Listen, Lorraine.
I've had a real problem with your lozenges.
Whatever your problem is, there was a warning label.
Here's a warning: If you don't help me, I'll twist your bun off.
Hey, you're Sabrina from Gal Palz.
Listen, the guys in marketing say I'm scaring off the kids.
How would you like to be our new spokesperson? Me? Well, I have always wanted to do endorsements.
And then, of course, directing.
- Diva alert.
- Thanks.
Look, Raspy, just give me the antidote that will make this all go away.
Sorry, kid.
I just gave you a little talent.
The media and the public made you what you are today.
- Bitter, hateful, self-centered.
- Okay, we know what the problem is.
And only they can tear you down.
- What did she mean tear you down? - Who knows? She probably meant that society loves to build people up and then tear them down.
That's it.
We just need to be torn down.
Okay.
Gal Palz needs a scandal.
Zeke Tyler.
Zeke, well done.
And now, let's welcome our last finalist.
Gal Palz.
Ladies, this is it.
This is your big Has someone come down with a sudden case of stage fright? Nope, I'd just rather stay over here out of the limelight.
Out of the limelight? This is what it's all about.
What is wrong with you? Colin, I have to come clean.
I broke the rules of this contest.
I'm a reporter for Scorch Magazine.
I posed as a contestant to get a story and I dragged my friends into it.
I'm really sorry.
Well, I'm sorry.
Because that means Gal Palz is disqualified.
Which means the winner is Zeke Tyler.
Come on up here, Zeke.
Zeke, Zeke! How could you? You've ruined everything.
I didn't ruin everything.
I saved something.
Our friendship? Look, I had to destroy Gal Palz with a Z so that girlfriends with an S could survive.
Oh, my God.
It's really over.
It's like we don't matter anymore.
But you guys matter to me.
And believe me, there was a time when I completely forgot that.
You know, I got so wrapped up in my solo act, my acting career, my fragrance.
Now, stay on track.
I'm not saying it's bad to be a nobody.
And actually it feels kind of good to be a normal person.
Oh, Roxie, you'll never be normal.
So you guys are okay with this? Just going back to being three regular girls living in a granny house in the suburbs? - No limos, no adoring fans, no perks.
- Except for the best one of all.
Morgan, are you okay with this? Yeah.
Is the no-limos part negotiable? Oh, Suzanne is definitely gonna get the rose.
No way.
Chad is so over her.
He's giving the rose to Cindy.
No, no, he's giving Cindy the boot.
It's gonna be Jennifer.
Hey, you know what? I heard this show is coming to Boston next week.
- Maybe we should - Turn off the TV.
Sabrina!