Sanford and Son (1972) s01e06 Episode Script
We Were Robbed
Up a lazy river By the old mill run Lazy, lazy river Linger in the shade of a Kind old tree Throw away your troubles Kinda cold in here.
"Contents.
Four-fifths of a quart.
" Not anymore.
Gin.
Brandy and gin.
That ain't no sin.
"Fragile and valuable.
Keep out.
Over.
This means you, Pop.
" Up a lazy river Lazy, lazy river Gee whiz! This is all Lamont's valuable stuff.
Porcelain.
Oh, he's gonna kill me.
It was an accident, Lamont.
Honest.
It was an accident.
That's the kind of thing that happen when you got arthritis.
Honest.
It was an accident.
You believe me, don't you, son? You don't believe me? You You don't believe me? You don't believe me.
No, you don't believe me.
Would you believe a robbery? Yeah, yeah.
He'll believe a robbery.
I know he'll believe a robbery.
Something like this happened to me.
Hey, Pop, I'm home.
Say, Pop, you should've seen it.
I was coming across the street, and I Say, Pop! Pop! What happened? What? Who is it? Help! Police! Take it easy, Pop! It's me, Lamont! It's me, Pop! - Lamont, is that you? - Yeah! What happened, Pop? Oh, the room's spinnin' around.
I'm so dizzy.
- Take it easy, Pop.
- I don't know where I'm goin'.
Over here, Pop.
- Is that you, Lamont? - Yeah, over here.
Come over here on the sofa.
Stretch out, Pop.
Just take it easy.
Everything is all right.
- Listen, just relax, Pop.
- Oh, son.
- You want a shot of something? - That'll be nice.
A little brandy will be just the thing for you.
- Say, the brandy's gone.
- They took everything.
Just relax, Pop.
Everything is all right.
Just take it easy.
Here.
Now, drink this, Pop, and tell me what happened.
We were robbed.
Robbed.
See, I was in the kitchen, fixin' your supper.
I was fixin' some spare ribs and pinto beans.
And I heard this noise so I came out, and they jumped me.
I did the best I could, Lamont, but you know it was hard for me to make a fist with this arthritis.
And And they just They robbed us.
We were robbed.
My collection! My porcelain and glass collection! They took it! Yeah, I tried to stop 'em.
I said, "Hey, don't take that! That's my son's porcelain and glass collection.
It's fragile and valuable.
" - What'd you have to tell 'em that for? - I didn't have to tell them that.
You had a sign in there sayin' "fragile and valuable.
" One of the guys read it.
He said, "Oh, let's take this fragile and valuable collection.
" I tried to stop 'em, but they took it.
Say, Pop, wasn't there something you could've done? - Couldn't you have done something? - What could I do? There was four of them.
Four white men with stockings over their heads.
- They had stockings over their heads? - Yeah.
- Are you sure they were white, Pop? - I know they wasn't black.
You can't get no stocking over one of them big naturals.
And then what happened? They slugged me on the back of the head.
- Let me put something on it.
- No, don't touch it.
It's too tender.
And then what happened? I don't remember.
Oh, I remember seein' your mother comin' toward me in a white dress.
She said, "Come on and join me, honey.
" That took a lot of guts.
You know, you could've been killed.
Yeah, but I could've took two of'em.
But six? I thought you said there were four.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Four.
That's how many it was.
Four.
We were robbed.
What are you looking for? - The frying pan.
- They took the frying pan too? - I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.
- Yeah, look in the kitchen.
See what's missing out of the kitchen.
I hope they didn't take my pinto beans.
I found it, Pop.
It was in the kitchen on the stove.
And this is just the kind of evidence we need.
- What are you doing? - I'm gonna call the cops.
The cops! What do you wanna call the cops for? We don't need no cops around here hanging around.
- Don't do that.
- Pop, this isn't just a robbery.
Now this is assault with a deadly weapon.
Hello, Operator? Listen.
Get me the police.
- Quick.
This is an emergency.
- A frying pan ain't no deadly weapon.
- Besides, I feel all right now.
- That's all right, Pop Hello, Police? Listen, I want to report a robbery.
That's right.
A robbery and an assault.
The name is Sanford, and we're located at 9114 South Central Avenue.
Yeah.
That's right.
Okay, thank you.
They're calling the squad car.
They'll be here any minute.
What do you wanna call the police for? What can they do? They can get the stuff back for us, Pop.
Do you realize the pieces that was in this cabinet was worth over $200? - How they gonna find them five crooks? - Well, that's ok Five? - You mean four, don't you? - Oh, yeah, four.
Four.
But they all spread out by now.
That's all right.
I just wanna get my hands on those guys that jumped you.
Imagine that.
Four guys jumping on a defenseless old man.
Yeah, that's terrible.
- It's disgusting.
- We were robbed.
Hey, there's the cops.
Listen, Pop, you just sit over here and relax.
Now just take it easy.
Everything is gonna be all right, okay? - Okay, son.
- I'm gonna let the cops in.
- Hey, Smitty, come on in.
- Hey, Lamont, what's going on? - It's my Pop.
- Hey, Fred, what happened to you? Who is it? Who is it? It's me, brother.
It's Smitty.
Oh, brother Smith.
- They almost got me.
- Yeah? Who did? What happened? We were robbed.
Tell him, Lamont.
- We were robbed.
- Yeah, we were robbed.
See, I was in the kitchen, fixin' some spare ribs - and pinto beans.
- Now, hold it! Hold it! It'll be necessary to get a detailed report of the circumstances surrounding A: The burglary itself and B: The nature of the physical assault perpetrated on the victim.
He wants the T on what got snatched and how you got wiped out.
So that's what he said.
- First, what's your full name? - Sanford.
Fred Sanford.
- I thought he was Fred Sanford.
- Oh, he is.
I'm Lamont.
- And you were attacked and robbed.
- That's right.
You were attacked and robbed? - He was attacked and robbed.
- And where were you? - Out in the truck.
- You were out in the truck.
I was on the truck.
He was attacked and robbed.
Hold it.
We'll commence again.
First, what is your full name? Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.
You were in the house, and you were attacked and robbed.
How many men were there? - How many I say? - Four.
- Four.
- Four? That too many? Well, no, if that's it.
Were they colored? Yeah.
White.
- All four of them? - Yeah, all four of them.
Did you notice if one of them acted as the C.
O? - You know, man.
The chief.
- Oh, yeah.
- What'd the others call him? - Chief.
Okay, what happened then? Well, see, I was in the kitchen cookin' some spare ribs and pinto beans Wait a minute.
P-I-N-T-O.
I know.
Beans.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
And I heard a noise.
I came out, and there was four guys robbin' the place.
- And? - And? Oh, and, uh And I had the frying pan in my hand, and I started swinging.
- Then what? - Then what what? What did you do? What did they do? Well, then one of them hollered, "Get him!" And two of'em held me and one of'em beat me.
- What did the fourth man do? - Huh? Two men held you and one beat you.
That's three.
You said there were four.
What did the fourth man do? Oh, he was the one that hollered, "Get him.
" Yeah.
He must've been the chief.
Mr.
Sanford, uh do you think the injuries sustained during the altercation might require hospitalization? Do you want to get your skull checked out? No, I don't want to go to the hospital.
I can't waste three days.
- But it only takes a few minutes.
- It takes you a few minutes.
It takes us three days in the waiting room.
Very well.
Exactly what was taken? Well, I was fightin' most of the time.
See, I fought all of them by myself.
But Lamont can tell you what was taken.
You tell them, Lamont.
Yeah.
They took some porcelain pieces and some French glassware.
It was worth over 200 bucks.
And it was fragile and valuable.
- See, I was in the kitchen - All right, Mr.
Sanford, excuse me.
Would you check this for accuracy, please? "Four unidentified Caucasian males entered premises of salvage business structure and committed assault on the lone occupant, rendering him unconscious then proceeded to remove from the premises collector items valued in excess of $200 with no information on route of suspects upon departing.
" - Right? - Right.
Right.
We were robbed.
- Thank you very much, Mr.
Sanford.
- I was in the kitchen Oh, Mr.
Sanford I'm gonna tell them down at HQ what a brave man you are.
A victim your age taking on four assailants.
You might even get a citation.
- You hear that, Pop? You're a hero.
- Get any money for that? - Are you kidding? That's an honor.
- Yeah.
That's right.
Sure is.
Well, you'll be hearing from us.
- Take it slow, Fred.
- See you later, Smitty.
So long, Officer Swanhauser.
- Say, Pop, you feel okay now? - I'm kinda dizzy.
Kinda dizzy, son.
Listen, I want you to promise me that you'll never do nothing like that again.
- What? - Risk your life for some glass.
- That was crazy.
- But that glass was valuable.
I know, Pop, but you're more valuable to me than glass.
You know, that's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time that you like me better than glass.
I'll bet this is gonna be something you're gonna remember for a long time.
Yeah.
See, I was in the kitchen fixin' your supper and I was fixin' you some spare ribs and some pinto beans.
- I know, Pop.
- I was choppin' up the onions - when I heard this noise.
- I know, Pop.
- And I didn't know nobody was out here.
- Pop, we were robbed.
Yeah.
We were robbed.
Come on in, Swanee.
Hey, Lamont, you home? Hey, Pop.
I just came home to fix myself some lunch.
How you doin', Officer Swanhauser? Say, you been down at the police station all this time? Yeah, and they gave me a citation just like Swanee here said they would.
And he was nice enough to drive me home.
Hey, Swanee, read this the way you did down at HQ.
That's headquarters.
"Citation for bravery to Fred Sanford for his courage in his part in fighting crime in our city with appreciation from the Los Angeles Police Department.
" You can be mighty proud of your father.
I am proud of him.
That's the kind of spunk some of the kids today could use.
Like your old man.
He's got spunk.
Kids today don't have spunk.
- You don't think so? - No.
All they wanna do is sit around and let their hair grow long.
They're spoiled.
Kids today don't have manners.
They don't have respect.
They don't have what your father's got.
- Spunk? - Spunk! - I got spunk.
- Well, I gotta be gettin' back.
Thanks a lot, Swanee, for driving me home.
- I sure appreciate it.
- Glad to do it, Sanford.
- Listen, you get this framed.
- Oh, yeah, I will.
Any long-haired kids come around, just show 'em your citation.
Right.
I'll show it to 'em.
Well, what are you gonna do now, Pop? I think I'll go down to the pool hall and show all the fellas.
You know, my citation.
You wanna go with me? No, no.
I gotta go deliver some stuff I sold this morning.
- Well, you know where I'll be.
- Yeah.
So long, Spunky.
"Los Angels Police Department citation for valor.
" That's beautiful.
Hey, Lamont, I had my picture frame Lamont, what happened, son? Lamont! - Help! Police! - Wait a minute! No, it's me! - Lamont, wait.
Let me help you.
- Is that you, Pop? - Yeah, this is me.
- I feel dizzy.
The room is spinning.
- I don't know where I'm going, Pop.
- Come over here.
Where are you? Are you still here? Sit here on the sofa.
Tell me what happened.
Oh, we were robbed.
- Twice in two days.
- Robbed? Yeah.
I think it was the same guys that was here yesterday.
You see, they do that sometimes.
They don't figure that you'll be expecting them back for a long time.
And then they come back, and they hit you real fast.
What guys? What are you talkin' about? The four white guys with the stockings over their heads, right? Stockings? Yeah.
The same guys that got you, remember? - Oh.
Oh, them guys.
- Yeah.
Well, they came back, Pop.
And guess what they went straight for.
- What? - Your piggy bank.
My piggy bank? Oh, my piggy bank! I had over $200 in here! I know, Pop.
I tried to stop 'em.
I said, "Hey, don't take that.
My Pop's got over $200 in there.
" Two hundred dollars.
And then I grabbed the pot, and I started swinging.
Just like it happened to you, right? - No, that's what That didn't happen.
- It didn't? No, I mean I didn't have a pot.
I had a frying pan.
It don't make no difference.
You had a pan, I had a pot.
I tried to fight 'em off, Pop, but it was just too many of'em.
And it was hard for me to make a fist 'cause I caught a cramp.
- You got a cramp? - Yeah, I caught a cramp.
I tried to fight 'em off, Pop, but they just overpowered me.
You believe me, don't you? Y-Yeah, I believe you.
Yeah, well, I guess you better go on over here and call the police.
Here we go with another report.
I don't think I ought to I wonder if they'll give me a citation like the one they gave you.
- I don't what to talk - Well, go on and call the police.
I don't think you should ask me to And when you get 'em, tell 'em I found my porcelain all smashed up and broken in the refrigerator in the yard.
- But - I wonder how it got there.
It was an accident.
All right! All right, I'll tell you.
I already know.
I already know.
You broke my porcelain and then you faked a robbery, you old faker.
Well, two people can play at that game.
- But But it was an accident! - That's all right.
The money I got out your piggy bank will buy me a new collection.
That's the money I was saving for my heart operation.
You know, I was gonna get one of them heart transplants.
It took me a long time to save that money.
Give me my money! - No.
I said no.
- No, I want my money.
I saved I said no, Pop.
Now get out of here.
Now you went and did it! Oh, I might need that money tonight! I've never had pains like this before! Oh, this is the worst one I ever had, son.
Oh, it's the worse one.
This is the big one.
I'm dying! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you, honey! Maybe that's Elizabeth.
- Mr.
Sanford? - No, that's not Elizabeth.
Too young and too white.
Nothing.
I was just talking to myself.
Can I help you? I'm a reporter from a new magazine called People Today and we're doing a series entitled "What makes a hero?" Well, you've been selected for doing a life story.
Oh, really? Does that pay anything? They usually pay $150.
- You think they might pay 200? - Oh, I'm sure they will.
Well, come right in then.
Come right in here.
- Lamont, this lady's from a magazine.
- I already heard, Pop.
Yeah.
She's gonna do Sit right here, dear.
Warm enough for you? Comfortable? You say I can get 200 Uh, Lamont, why don't you take your 200 and go see if you can get you some new porcelain? I'm gonna sit here with the lady and do my story for this 200.
We won't need you here at all.
Go right ahead, dear.
Now, where were you born, Mr.
Sanford? St.
Louis, Missouri.
That's M-O period.
Yeah, see, my grandfather was the first one, you know that had that bravery and spunk.
He had it.
He was brave.
In fact, he was in that big battle between the Grays and the Blues.
The Homestead Grays and the St.
Louis Blues.
That was just a little something I threw in there.
But you know, he was a captain in the Civil War in the cavalry.
Captain of the cavalry.
And one time, they were surrounded.
And the general said, "We're surrounded.
What should we do? Should we turn back?" My grandfather stood up in his stirrups and said, "No! Ride on, ride on!" That's the way that expression got started.
"Ride on.
" And then, see, my grandfather, he was in the Civil War and he was with Custer too.
It was just plain clumsiness.
That's how you broke my old collection.
You better not break my new collection.
Now, this is the way you did it.
This is the dumb way you did it.
Yeah.
That's the dumb way it happened.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.
"Contents.
Four-fifths of a quart.
" Not anymore.
Gin.
Brandy and gin.
That ain't no sin.
"Fragile and valuable.
Keep out.
Over.
This means you, Pop.
" Up a lazy river Lazy, lazy river Gee whiz! This is all Lamont's valuable stuff.
Porcelain.
Oh, he's gonna kill me.
It was an accident, Lamont.
Honest.
It was an accident.
That's the kind of thing that happen when you got arthritis.
Honest.
It was an accident.
You believe me, don't you, son? You don't believe me? You You don't believe me? You don't believe me.
No, you don't believe me.
Would you believe a robbery? Yeah, yeah.
He'll believe a robbery.
I know he'll believe a robbery.
Something like this happened to me.
Hey, Pop, I'm home.
Say, Pop, you should've seen it.
I was coming across the street, and I Say, Pop! Pop! What happened? What? Who is it? Help! Police! Take it easy, Pop! It's me, Lamont! It's me, Pop! - Lamont, is that you? - Yeah! What happened, Pop? Oh, the room's spinnin' around.
I'm so dizzy.
- Take it easy, Pop.
- I don't know where I'm goin'.
Over here, Pop.
- Is that you, Lamont? - Yeah, over here.
Come over here on the sofa.
Stretch out, Pop.
Just take it easy.
Everything is all right.
- Listen, just relax, Pop.
- Oh, son.
- You want a shot of something? - That'll be nice.
A little brandy will be just the thing for you.
- Say, the brandy's gone.
- They took everything.
Just relax, Pop.
Everything is all right.
Just take it easy.
Here.
Now, drink this, Pop, and tell me what happened.
We were robbed.
Robbed.
See, I was in the kitchen, fixin' your supper.
I was fixin' some spare ribs and pinto beans.
And I heard this noise so I came out, and they jumped me.
I did the best I could, Lamont, but you know it was hard for me to make a fist with this arthritis.
And And they just They robbed us.
We were robbed.
My collection! My porcelain and glass collection! They took it! Yeah, I tried to stop 'em.
I said, "Hey, don't take that! That's my son's porcelain and glass collection.
It's fragile and valuable.
" - What'd you have to tell 'em that for? - I didn't have to tell them that.
You had a sign in there sayin' "fragile and valuable.
" One of the guys read it.
He said, "Oh, let's take this fragile and valuable collection.
" I tried to stop 'em, but they took it.
Say, Pop, wasn't there something you could've done? - Couldn't you have done something? - What could I do? There was four of them.
Four white men with stockings over their heads.
- They had stockings over their heads? - Yeah.
- Are you sure they were white, Pop? - I know they wasn't black.
You can't get no stocking over one of them big naturals.
And then what happened? They slugged me on the back of the head.
- Let me put something on it.
- No, don't touch it.
It's too tender.
And then what happened? I don't remember.
Oh, I remember seein' your mother comin' toward me in a white dress.
She said, "Come on and join me, honey.
" That took a lot of guts.
You know, you could've been killed.
Yeah, but I could've took two of'em.
But six? I thought you said there were four.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Four.
That's how many it was.
Four.
We were robbed.
What are you looking for? - The frying pan.
- They took the frying pan too? - I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.
- Yeah, look in the kitchen.
See what's missing out of the kitchen.
I hope they didn't take my pinto beans.
I found it, Pop.
It was in the kitchen on the stove.
And this is just the kind of evidence we need.
- What are you doing? - I'm gonna call the cops.
The cops! What do you wanna call the cops for? We don't need no cops around here hanging around.
- Don't do that.
- Pop, this isn't just a robbery.
Now this is assault with a deadly weapon.
Hello, Operator? Listen.
Get me the police.
- Quick.
This is an emergency.
- A frying pan ain't no deadly weapon.
- Besides, I feel all right now.
- That's all right, Pop Hello, Police? Listen, I want to report a robbery.
That's right.
A robbery and an assault.
The name is Sanford, and we're located at 9114 South Central Avenue.
Yeah.
That's right.
Okay, thank you.
They're calling the squad car.
They'll be here any minute.
What do you wanna call the police for? What can they do? They can get the stuff back for us, Pop.
Do you realize the pieces that was in this cabinet was worth over $200? - How they gonna find them five crooks? - Well, that's ok Five? - You mean four, don't you? - Oh, yeah, four.
Four.
But they all spread out by now.
That's all right.
I just wanna get my hands on those guys that jumped you.
Imagine that.
Four guys jumping on a defenseless old man.
Yeah, that's terrible.
- It's disgusting.
- We were robbed.
Hey, there's the cops.
Listen, Pop, you just sit over here and relax.
Now just take it easy.
Everything is gonna be all right, okay? - Okay, son.
- I'm gonna let the cops in.
- Hey, Smitty, come on in.
- Hey, Lamont, what's going on? - It's my Pop.
- Hey, Fred, what happened to you? Who is it? Who is it? It's me, brother.
It's Smitty.
Oh, brother Smith.
- They almost got me.
- Yeah? Who did? What happened? We were robbed.
Tell him, Lamont.
- We were robbed.
- Yeah, we were robbed.
See, I was in the kitchen, fixin' some spare ribs - and pinto beans.
- Now, hold it! Hold it! It'll be necessary to get a detailed report of the circumstances surrounding A: The burglary itself and B: The nature of the physical assault perpetrated on the victim.
He wants the T on what got snatched and how you got wiped out.
So that's what he said.
- First, what's your full name? - Sanford.
Fred Sanford.
- I thought he was Fred Sanford.
- Oh, he is.
I'm Lamont.
- And you were attacked and robbed.
- That's right.
You were attacked and robbed? - He was attacked and robbed.
- And where were you? - Out in the truck.
- You were out in the truck.
I was on the truck.
He was attacked and robbed.
Hold it.
We'll commence again.
First, what is your full name? Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.
You were in the house, and you were attacked and robbed.
How many men were there? - How many I say? - Four.
- Four.
- Four? That too many? Well, no, if that's it.
Were they colored? Yeah.
White.
- All four of them? - Yeah, all four of them.
Did you notice if one of them acted as the C.
O? - You know, man.
The chief.
- Oh, yeah.
- What'd the others call him? - Chief.
Okay, what happened then? Well, see, I was in the kitchen cookin' some spare ribs and pinto beans Wait a minute.
P-I-N-T-O.
I know.
Beans.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
And I heard a noise.
I came out, and there was four guys robbin' the place.
- And? - And? Oh, and, uh And I had the frying pan in my hand, and I started swinging.
- Then what? - Then what what? What did you do? What did they do? Well, then one of them hollered, "Get him!" And two of'em held me and one of'em beat me.
- What did the fourth man do? - Huh? Two men held you and one beat you.
That's three.
You said there were four.
What did the fourth man do? Oh, he was the one that hollered, "Get him.
" Yeah.
He must've been the chief.
Mr.
Sanford, uh do you think the injuries sustained during the altercation might require hospitalization? Do you want to get your skull checked out? No, I don't want to go to the hospital.
I can't waste three days.
- But it only takes a few minutes.
- It takes you a few minutes.
It takes us three days in the waiting room.
Very well.
Exactly what was taken? Well, I was fightin' most of the time.
See, I fought all of them by myself.
But Lamont can tell you what was taken.
You tell them, Lamont.
Yeah.
They took some porcelain pieces and some French glassware.
It was worth over 200 bucks.
And it was fragile and valuable.
- See, I was in the kitchen - All right, Mr.
Sanford, excuse me.
Would you check this for accuracy, please? "Four unidentified Caucasian males entered premises of salvage business structure and committed assault on the lone occupant, rendering him unconscious then proceeded to remove from the premises collector items valued in excess of $200 with no information on route of suspects upon departing.
" - Right? - Right.
Right.
We were robbed.
- Thank you very much, Mr.
Sanford.
- I was in the kitchen Oh, Mr.
Sanford I'm gonna tell them down at HQ what a brave man you are.
A victim your age taking on four assailants.
You might even get a citation.
- You hear that, Pop? You're a hero.
- Get any money for that? - Are you kidding? That's an honor.
- Yeah.
That's right.
Sure is.
Well, you'll be hearing from us.
- Take it slow, Fred.
- See you later, Smitty.
So long, Officer Swanhauser.
- Say, Pop, you feel okay now? - I'm kinda dizzy.
Kinda dizzy, son.
Listen, I want you to promise me that you'll never do nothing like that again.
- What? - Risk your life for some glass.
- That was crazy.
- But that glass was valuable.
I know, Pop, but you're more valuable to me than glass.
You know, that's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time that you like me better than glass.
I'll bet this is gonna be something you're gonna remember for a long time.
Yeah.
See, I was in the kitchen fixin' your supper and I was fixin' you some spare ribs and some pinto beans.
- I know, Pop.
- I was choppin' up the onions - when I heard this noise.
- I know, Pop.
- And I didn't know nobody was out here.
- Pop, we were robbed.
Yeah.
We were robbed.
Come on in, Swanee.
Hey, Lamont, you home? Hey, Pop.
I just came home to fix myself some lunch.
How you doin', Officer Swanhauser? Say, you been down at the police station all this time? Yeah, and they gave me a citation just like Swanee here said they would.
And he was nice enough to drive me home.
Hey, Swanee, read this the way you did down at HQ.
That's headquarters.
"Citation for bravery to Fred Sanford for his courage in his part in fighting crime in our city with appreciation from the Los Angeles Police Department.
" You can be mighty proud of your father.
I am proud of him.
That's the kind of spunk some of the kids today could use.
Like your old man.
He's got spunk.
Kids today don't have spunk.
- You don't think so? - No.
All they wanna do is sit around and let their hair grow long.
They're spoiled.
Kids today don't have manners.
They don't have respect.
They don't have what your father's got.
- Spunk? - Spunk! - I got spunk.
- Well, I gotta be gettin' back.
Thanks a lot, Swanee, for driving me home.
- I sure appreciate it.
- Glad to do it, Sanford.
- Listen, you get this framed.
- Oh, yeah, I will.
Any long-haired kids come around, just show 'em your citation.
Right.
I'll show it to 'em.
Well, what are you gonna do now, Pop? I think I'll go down to the pool hall and show all the fellas.
You know, my citation.
You wanna go with me? No, no.
I gotta go deliver some stuff I sold this morning.
- Well, you know where I'll be.
- Yeah.
So long, Spunky.
"Los Angels Police Department citation for valor.
" That's beautiful.
Hey, Lamont, I had my picture frame Lamont, what happened, son? Lamont! - Help! Police! - Wait a minute! No, it's me! - Lamont, wait.
Let me help you.
- Is that you, Pop? - Yeah, this is me.
- I feel dizzy.
The room is spinning.
- I don't know where I'm going, Pop.
- Come over here.
Where are you? Are you still here? Sit here on the sofa.
Tell me what happened.
Oh, we were robbed.
- Twice in two days.
- Robbed? Yeah.
I think it was the same guys that was here yesterday.
You see, they do that sometimes.
They don't figure that you'll be expecting them back for a long time.
And then they come back, and they hit you real fast.
What guys? What are you talkin' about? The four white guys with the stockings over their heads, right? Stockings? Yeah.
The same guys that got you, remember? - Oh.
Oh, them guys.
- Yeah.
Well, they came back, Pop.
And guess what they went straight for.
- What? - Your piggy bank.
My piggy bank? Oh, my piggy bank! I had over $200 in here! I know, Pop.
I tried to stop 'em.
I said, "Hey, don't take that.
My Pop's got over $200 in there.
" Two hundred dollars.
And then I grabbed the pot, and I started swinging.
Just like it happened to you, right? - No, that's what That didn't happen.
- It didn't? No, I mean I didn't have a pot.
I had a frying pan.
It don't make no difference.
You had a pan, I had a pot.
I tried to fight 'em off, Pop, but it was just too many of'em.
And it was hard for me to make a fist 'cause I caught a cramp.
- You got a cramp? - Yeah, I caught a cramp.
I tried to fight 'em off, Pop, but they just overpowered me.
You believe me, don't you? Y-Yeah, I believe you.
Yeah, well, I guess you better go on over here and call the police.
Here we go with another report.
I don't think I ought to I wonder if they'll give me a citation like the one they gave you.
- I don't what to talk - Well, go on and call the police.
I don't think you should ask me to And when you get 'em, tell 'em I found my porcelain all smashed up and broken in the refrigerator in the yard.
- But - I wonder how it got there.
It was an accident.
All right! All right, I'll tell you.
I already know.
I already know.
You broke my porcelain and then you faked a robbery, you old faker.
Well, two people can play at that game.
- But But it was an accident! - That's all right.
The money I got out your piggy bank will buy me a new collection.
That's the money I was saving for my heart operation.
You know, I was gonna get one of them heart transplants.
It took me a long time to save that money.
Give me my money! - No.
I said no.
- No, I want my money.
I saved I said no, Pop.
Now get out of here.
Now you went and did it! Oh, I might need that money tonight! I've never had pains like this before! Oh, this is the worst one I ever had, son.
Oh, it's the worse one.
This is the big one.
I'm dying! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you, honey! Maybe that's Elizabeth.
- Mr.
Sanford? - No, that's not Elizabeth.
Too young and too white.
Nothing.
I was just talking to myself.
Can I help you? I'm a reporter from a new magazine called People Today and we're doing a series entitled "What makes a hero?" Well, you've been selected for doing a life story.
Oh, really? Does that pay anything? They usually pay $150.
- You think they might pay 200? - Oh, I'm sure they will.
Well, come right in then.
Come right in here.
- Lamont, this lady's from a magazine.
- I already heard, Pop.
Yeah.
She's gonna do Sit right here, dear.
Warm enough for you? Comfortable? You say I can get 200 Uh, Lamont, why don't you take your 200 and go see if you can get you some new porcelain? I'm gonna sit here with the lady and do my story for this 200.
We won't need you here at all.
Go right ahead, dear.
Now, where were you born, Mr.
Sanford? St.
Louis, Missouri.
That's M-O period.
Yeah, see, my grandfather was the first one, you know that had that bravery and spunk.
He had it.
He was brave.
In fact, he was in that big battle between the Grays and the Blues.
The Homestead Grays and the St.
Louis Blues.
That was just a little something I threw in there.
But you know, he was a captain in the Civil War in the cavalry.
Captain of the cavalry.
And one time, they were surrounded.
And the general said, "We're surrounded.
What should we do? Should we turn back?" My grandfather stood up in his stirrups and said, "No! Ride on, ride on!" That's the way that expression got started.
"Ride on.
" And then, see, my grandfather, he was in the Civil War and he was with Custer too.
It was just plain clumsiness.
That's how you broke my old collection.
You better not break my new collection.
Now, this is the way you did it.
This is the dumb way you did it.
Yeah.
That's the dumb way it happened.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.