Sanford and Son (1972) s01e08 Episode Script

- You want some more coffee? - What? - Coffee.
- Is that what I was drinking? I thought it was tea.
You knew it was coffee.
Pop, you make your coffee so weak, it tastes like tea and you make your tea so strong, it tastes like coffee.
I think you invented a new drink teafee.
- You mean you don't like it.
- Well, what is it? Is it instant, percolator or drip? It's instant, cooked in a percolator and served to a drip.
Nobody's got to tell me this is the first of the month.
Look at these bills.
The drugstore, the grocery store, gas, electric, telephone.
- What am I gonna do with all of them? - Put 'em back in the mailbox.
- Brilliant.
How'd you think of that? - You asked me.
But I expected an intelligent answer.
And I gave you one.
Put 'em back in the mailbox.
Look at this.
"Repeated requests for payment have not been answered.
"We have, therefore, turned this over to a collection agency for repossession of the items purchased.
The Luau Layaway Furniture Company.
" Luau? That's where we bought all our stuff from.
The TV and the refrigerator.
Everything.
And they're gonna come and take it back.
They can't take away my TV.
I won't ever be able to find out if Mickey and Laura got a divorce.
- What are you talking about? - Mickey and Laura.
Days of Our Lives.
See, Mickey and Laura are getting a divorce.
See, Laura wants to marry Mickey's brother, Bill.
But Mickey don't wanna give up his son Michael to Bill even though Michael is Bill's son.
But Bill don't want Laura without Michael even though Mickey is willing to give up Laura.
That's why I got to know if Mickey and Laura are getting a divorce.
- Who? - Mickey and Laura.
Sanford and Son is falling apart and you're talking about Mickey and Laura.
Don't you realize they're coming in here to take everything out of here.
- They ain't gonna take it.
- I just read you the letter.
- You never received the letter.
- What? Put it back in the mailbox.
Just look at this.
Gas.
"Final Notice.
" Electric.
"Final Notice.
" Telephone.
"Final Notice.
" What's with all these final notices? Haven't you been paying the bills? The bills come on time, don't they? The bills come on time, but there's been a slight delay in the money.
That's what I get for leaving you in charge of running this place.
You don't know how to take care of nothing.
Listen, son, when I got the money, I pay the bills.
And when I ain't got no money, there's only one thing left to do.
- I know.
- Put 'em back in the mailbox.
Don't you understand, Pop? They're gonna sue us.
They ain't gonna sue.
They just say that to scare you.
Yeah, well, I'm scared.
As a matter of fact, I'm scared out of my pants.
Listen.
If I'd have been scared out of my pants every time I'd been threatened to be sued I'd have spent my whole life in nothing but some drawers.
Just Just look at this.
The drugstore, 28 dollars.
How'd you ever run up a bill of 28 dollars at the drugstore? Let me see that.
- I need my glasses.
- Get your glasses.
You been in my drawer messin' around? You got my stuff I keep my stuff arranged neat.
You got my Never find my glasses.
People go in your drawer.
I need these here.
Stay out of here.
These are all the things I need.
You know what I mean? Mineral oil, epsom salts, Pluto Water.
That's how I take care of myself.
- You're a regular doctor, aren't you? - I'm not a doctor, but I'm regular.
I don't understand you, Pop.
I work like a fool out there.
And I bring the money home.
Haven't you been keeping a budget? What good is a budget? To know if you've got enough money to pay your bills.
The budget tells you everything that you need to know.
I can put my hand in this pocket right here and that tells me everything I need to know.
If there ain't no money in there, then the budget is in serious trouble.
Do you realize that we got bills here that run over 200 dollars? Then we're in serious trouble.
- Where are you going? - To ask these people for more time.
This is the most important bill that we got.
The Luau Layaway Furniture Company.
They've already turned this thing over to a collection agency.
They're gonna be the first ones to give us trouble.
What do you wanna call them for? They want some money, not conversation.
Well, you're the person that keeps all the money in this family.
- What does that look like? - An empty pocket.
That's why I said put 'em back in the mailbox.
The phone is dead.
Everybody gotta die sometime.
You go in the kitchen and check the water and gas and I'll see if they done turned off the electricity.
- Well? - Water's on.
Gas off.
We'll be hungry, but we'll be clean.
I'm going upstairs and fill up the tub with water before they turn that off.
See who that is, but don't let 'em in.
No matter what they say, don't let 'em in.
You got that? - Got it.
- All right.
Mr.
Sanford? I have a summons for Fred Sanford.
- You're Mr.
Sanford, aren't you? - No speak English.
Oh, you speak Spanish.
What are you talking about? - You are Mr.
Sanford, aren't you? - No speak English.
Come on.
Come on, Mr.
Sanford.
Take it.
Man, get your arm out of my house.
- Who is that, Pop? - Some guy with a summons.
- Well, don't take it.
- I ain't.
We don't want it! Well, I'll just tell them it's been delivered and put it in your mailbox.
He got more sense than you.
That's what I been telling you.
I been telling you all morning, put it back in the mailbox.
It's no good unless it's been delivered to the person that it's supposed to be delivered to in person.
- That was clever.
- Yeah.
Your turn.
Okay, okay, I'll just wait out here until you come out.
Yeah, you gonna be waiting a long time.
If I was you, I wouldn't be waiting out there that long in this neighborhood.
Get your hat brought to the hospital.
Say, Pop, it looks like he's gonna stay for a while.
He's eating his lunch.
They got us trapped.
But that's all right.
We gonna out-wait 'em, just the two of us.
Yeah.
I got a idea.
Go to the door and make some noise and get his attention.
- And then I'll sneak out for help.
- That's terrific.
I saw it in a movie once.
Randolph Scott and his wife surrounded in a mountain cabin.
Indians all the way around 'em.
Arapaho, Sioux, Cheyenne.
And Randolph Scott say, "Honey, you go for help and I'll hold 'em off.
" He took out both guns and started shooting all over the place.
And his wife came back a little while later and had 10,000 Texas Rangers.
You think they'll all fit in this living room? You know what I mean.
You draw their attention and I'll take the bills and go see if I can get somebody to loan us the money.
- I got a better idea than that.
- You have? We go down in the basement and get a couple of shovels and we'll start digging a tunnel.
We'll dig a deep tunnel all the way down into the ground up through the sewer pipe and out into the street.
I like your idea better than I like mine.
- I thought you would.
- I'll take the bills with us.
And once we get out into the street, I can put 'em back in the mailbox.
- Is he still out there? - Yeah.
Looks like he's gonna be there for a little while.
- Is that all the food we got? - It's all I could find.
Can of pork and beans and a can of zucchini.
- And that's it, huh? - That's it.
I can't even get to the market with him out there.
So you can have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later.
Or you can have a little pork and beans and a little zucchini now or a little zucchini and a little pork and beans later.
Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I'll take the zucchini, or I can take the pork and beans if you like the zucchini, and I'll just keep these.
So what will it be? The zucchini or the pork and beans? Have you forgotten we have no way of heating the food? Well, in that case you can have some cold pork and beans now and some cold zucchini later.
- Or you can have - Will you stop that.
Open up! I got a court order! He's not here.
He went to a junk convention in Malibu.
Yeah, he went as a alternate delegate.
I'm from the Hamlin Collection Agency and I've got an order to repossess some furniture from the Luau Layaway Furniture Company.
- Now, open up.
- You must be out your mind.
Then I'm gonna have to force my way in.
Yeah, and you'll be in a lot of trouble.
Yeah, you'll be in a lot of trouble 'cause we got a lot of friends in Washington, D.
C.
That's right.
- We have? - We must have.
It's 80% black.
Yeah.
That's right.
Then I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna do down to the Marshal's office and get me some deputies.
And if you don't open up, we're gonna force our way in.
Well, you just go right ahead, smart guy.
- Okay, I'll be back.
- We'll be waiting for you.
- They ain't coming back.
- I wouldn't say that, son.
They always come back.
I saw it in a movie once on the late, late show.
Edward G.
Robinson and James Cagney and Wallace Beery trapped in a mountain cabin.
FBI agents had them surrounded.
Edward G.
Robinson say And James Cagney say "They won't be back.
I know they're not coming back.
" Then he rushed out the door and got caught in a crossfire of machine guns.
Edward G.
Robinson say And Wallace Beery say All of a sudden, James Cagney say, "They got me, dirty rats.
They got me.
" See? That was the name of the picture.
"They Always Come Back.
" I don't believe you.
Here you are talking about some old dumb movie and we stuck here in this house without no gas, no heat no electricity and no food.
We got food.
We got pork and beans and zucchini.
What would you like? The cold pork and beans or the cold zucchini? Just keep it all.
I just wanna get some rest.
I don't know how you can think about resting at a time like this.
You got good zucchini here.
It's some good stuff in here.
Look.
"Dried celery, citric acid dried garlic black pepper, sweet basil.
" Lots of good things in here.
Son, I Son? Well, if you wanna sleep What was that? - That crunch.
I heard a crunch.
- I didn't hear no crunch.
- Are you eating something? - I ain't eatin' nothin'.
You are eating something.
You're eating crackers.
I ain't eatin' nothin'.
Let me hear you whistle.
I don't believe you.
Here I am ready to eat cold beans and zucchini and you sitting over here eating all the good stuff that you got hoarded away.
I ain't hoarding nothin'.
I found these in my pocket.
I had some soup down at the diner last week.
They been in my pocket a week.
Here.
You take 'em.
I don't want nothing from you.
At a time when we're supposed to stick together you pull a rotten stunt like this, and my own father.
Well, don't yell at me.
Yell at that guy out there blockin' the market.
He's not the one that got me into this thing.
You did.
And it's all because you don't know how to take care of no business around here.
Who don't know how to take care of business? Can you do better? - A six-year-old kid could do better.
- Why don't you get a six-year-old kid? - Because I'm stuck with you.
- Is that what you are, stuck? - Stuck.
- Well, you won't be stuck much longer.
Any day now, I'll be going to join your mother.
Don't start that again.
Then you can get a six-year-old kid to help you.
Then it won't be Sanford and Son no more.
It'll be Big Dummy and Little Dummy.
Hey, Sanford, open up! I got two deputies with me.
And if you don't open up, we're coming in.
Big Dummy, huh? I've had it with you.
I'm letting them in.
Let 'em in.
Come on in, everybody.
The place is yours.
Now, that's better.
I'm certainly glad to see that you've come to your senses.
- Mr.
Fred Sanford? - I'm Fred Sanford.
I just got back from Malibu.
Sanford, I'm sorry to have to do it this way, but it's my job.
Now, let's see.
They said there was one television set.
- Yeah, that must be it.
- Wait a minute.
You can't take my TV.
I'll never be able to know if Mickey and Laura got a divorce.
Yeah.
Mickey and Laura are getting a divorce but Mickey don't wanna give up his son Michael to Bill even though Michael is Bill's son.
- Bill don't want Laura.
- One refrigerator.
You can't take my refrigerator.
That's where I keep my applejack.
There's nothing in the world worse than warm applejack and no TV.
Two beds.
I guess those are upstairs.
Wait a minute.
You can't take my beds.
You want me to sleep on the floor? I got arthritis.
Yeah, I know.
- Just a minute.
Can I talk to you? - Come here, Officer.
Now, you a brother.
You gonna take our stuff? What can I do, brother? It's my job.
Well, why don't you get a respectable job? You could get a job somewhere down at the post office or in the car wash.
Sorry, man.
Can you give me some sort of arrangement here? - We could pay you five dollars a month - I'm sorry.
It's too late for that now.
You should've thought of that sooner.
- Wait.
I can't let you upstairs.
- Let me by, Mr.
Sanford.
- Come on, Mr.
Sanford.
- The beds aren't made.
- Will you let go of me.
- You can't go upstairs.
Don't go upstairs.
Take your hands off me.
What are you doing? - He pushed me.
- But I didn't do anything.
He pushed me down the steps.
He pushed me.
I know it's something broken.
Son, he pushed me down the steps.
- Son, it's broken.
- I didn't do anything.
- He fell.
It wasn't my fault.
- You threw an old man down the stairs.
No, I did not.
He slipped on the carpet.
- You fellows saw that, didn't you? - We didn't see anything.
- We were up in the bedroom.
- He tried to kill me, son.
Think I'll ever walk again? Oh, son, my back.
What is it, Pop? Is it your knee? No, it's my back.
I might never walk again.
- You butcher! - Listen.
It was an accident.
- Why don't you get him a doctor? - Son, it's too late for a doctor.
I think you better call Reverend Trimble.
I'm gonna see that they lock you up for manslaughter.
Wait a minute.
The man fell.
I had nothing to do with it.
He fell because you pushed him.
It wasn't enough that you tried to take all his furniture away.
- But you tried to kill him.
- Yeah.
He tried to kill me.
You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you, honey, with a bad back.
Just take it easy, Pop.
Listen.
You fellows know I didn't push him.
He fell.
You'll back me up on this, won't you? I don't know.
Sounds like he's got a pretty good case.
Oh, yeah? Look, you know your people better than I do.
- What do you think that I should do? - You want some real good advice? If I were you, I'd get out of this neighborhood before it gets dark.
I think I'd better try to make a deal with him.
- That's a good idea.
- All right, you guys wait outside.
But don't leave without me.
Listen, Sanford.
I'm terribly sorry that you got hurt.
How about if I don't take any of this stuff? And I'll try to get you a little extension.
Did you hear that? You're in a lot of trouble.
I'm gonna sue you for every penny that you got.
I'm gonna take your collection agency away from you.
- That's what I'm gonna do.
- Take it, son.
Take it so you'll have enough money to bury me with.
Don't worry, Pop.
You'll be sorry you ever set foot in this house, buster.
Throwing an old man down the stairs.
You think I'll ever walk again? Don't worry, Pop.
We'll wheel you into the courtroom and you can testify from the wheelchair like that dude Ironside.
Yeah.
I saw Ironside last night on television.
And he was in his cabin surrounded by criminals - Pop.
- Now, look I'm sorry that this had to happen.
But we don't have to go to court over this, do we? I'm sure we can settle it some other way.
No chance.
It's out of my hands now.
It's up to a judge to decide this.
Just look at my poor father.
He'll probably become a vegetable.
Yeah.
An old dried-up zucchini.
All right.
It's forgotten.
- Hey, man, don't hit me.
- I didn't mean I bet I can give you one across your lip.
On top of that, I'll give you a hundred dollars to take care of your little doctor bills.
Are you kidding? A hundred dollars for a vegetable? All right, make it a hundred and fifty.
Feel like my ribs coming through my heart.
- Two hundred.
- Take it, son.
Take the two hundred.
I don't need a private room.
Just put me in a ward.
Make that out to me so I can sign it.
- He'll probably never write again.
- Never.
Never write again.
There you are.
Two hundred dollars.
Get your father a doctor and let him have a nice examination.
You don't have to tell us what to do.
We know.
You just signed this check and it's over for you but it's just starting for us the trips to the hospital, the clinic.
Tomorrow you'll be back in the collection business but my old man will be an old cripple parked in front of his TV set.
Yeah.
An old crippled zucchini watching Days of Our Lives.
- I don't know what to say.
- Why don't you start with "good night.
" Good night? Is it night already? I better get out of here.
- It's okay, Pop.
They're gone.
- They gone? Yeah.
- We back in business.
- You were terrific.
- Yeah? - You were terrific.
What a performance.
- I was pretty good, wasn't I? - Yeah.
Hey, 200 dollars.
We can pay off all our bills and get everything turned on again.
- Yeah, from rags to riches.
- Yeah, we're back on Easy Street.
Two happy people Sanford and Son.
Promise me that you're really gonna try to watch the budget this time.
What do you mean, trying to watch the budget? That's how we got into trouble in the first place.
We got in trouble 'cause you weren't bringing enough money home.
Are you kidding? I work like a fool on that truck and I come in here and you're always watching Days of Our Lives.
You don't clean up this house or nothing.
This was the real test.
It takes a lot to coordinate this place.
Well, here I am, ready to go to dinner.
What are we gonna eat? Steak? Lobster? Roast beef? Or should we have a little bit of each.
Son, what's the matter? It's this check, Pop.
I feel funny about it.
You feel funny? You ought to feel good.
We got money to pay all the bills.
Yeah, I know, but it's the dishonest way we got it, Pop.
- It's almost like we stole it.
- Stole it? I worked for that money.
Do you know how much money Richard Burton gets for a acting job like that? That's exactly what I'm talking about.
We were acting.
What do you mean? You wanna give the check back? Well, give me my half and I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup.
There's nothing wrong with you.
If you give that money back, I'm gonna be real sick.
Listen.
This is the idea I had, Pop.
We'll hold on to the check and we'll look at it as kind of a loan, see? And we'll pay him a little bit every week until we get it all paid up.
It's a shame just to waste a good acting job like that.
I'll tell you what then.
We won't go out to dinner.
We'll just stay home and eat here and you can save that money.
Well, what are we gonna eat? - Pork and beans and zucchini.
- Are you serious? Just another one of my great acting jobs.
Come on, son.
Let's go to dinner.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.