Scream Queens (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Seven Minutes in Hell

- Previously on "Scream Queens" - You need to choose one of us.
CHANEL #5: Fine, Roger, I'm coming with you.
If someone found out my dad is Charles Manson, everyone would immediately assume the killer is me.
ZAYDAY: The Red Devil kidnapped me and took me to his evil lair.
The Red Devil is in love with you? CHANEL: Tonight we cast our votes for the next president of Kappa House.
Grab some marbles.
It's time to vote.
Baby I can't wait All right, so remind me again.
It's black for Zayday, white for Chanel? Obv.
Do you think you can handle that? I only gave you the job of tallying the votes because I thought you Rain Man types were super good at counting.
Or are you one of those idiot savants who's heavy on the idiot, light on the savant? I am neither, thank you very much.
Years before the Psychoanalytic Society of America decided there was money to be made by creating what they called the autism spectrum, I would have been considered a daydreamer or quirky, like a young Zooey Deschanel.
I am not an idiot or a moron.
I am simply a victim of my times.
Are you aware your pants are on backwards? Start counting the damn votes.
Wait, what happens if it's a tie? It's never happened before, but Kappa bylaws state that the two of them would rule together.
It's a tie.
You did it! (laughs) GRACE: Well, sort of.
I know it's not ideal, but I think you and I would make great copresidents.
What? No, I'm not gonna be copresident with a pledge! Farty McCandlewax clearly miscounted the votes! Calm down, Chanel, it's not Farty's fault.
Then whose fault is it? It's not my fault that my pumpkin patch was canceled.
It's not my fault that some people didn't vote for me because they're too intimidated by my hotness.
It's not my fault that, because someone is killing Kappas, I didn't have time to individually bribe each and every one of you to vote for me.
No.
Clearly there is only one person to blame for all of this.
Number Five.
Wait, what? I hate all of you for letting me down tonight, but, Number Five, I hate you the most.
I know it's on me that I chose idiots and weirdos to be my minions, but you are by far the most idiotic and the most weird, and so I blame you more than any of them for not finding a way to ensure I retained my presidency tonight.
Chanel, come on, let's talk this through.
No! I am never talking about anything ever again! I hate you all! (door slams) (Chanel crying) CHANEL #3: Hey.
Yeah, super sorry about what happened down there.
(laughing) Why are you laughing? Because, you leg humpers, I voted for Zayday.
I wanted her to win.
What about that fit you threw down there? Brilliant performance, I know.
I've had to develop some serious acting skills - to have sex with Chad.
- CHANEL #5: So you're not mad at me? Oh, I meant everything I said about you.
I still think you're useless.
I'm just not sad about it.
You see, I've learned a few things from watching A&E documentaries about the Mafia.
The most important being Aside from to never trust anyone, especially those closest to you You never, ever want to be the boss in a time of extreme crisis.
As soon as you become the boss, you get a target on your back, from the Feds, the other families, ambitious underlings.
Sure, seems like you have all the power, but you also take on the most risk.
Being president of Kappa House when there is a killer hunting down sisters of Kappa House means you're the top target.
I was actually hoping one of you bitches would betray me and vote for her so she could win the whole thing, but this works out even better.
Because when I go down and make peace with her and her pasty friend, I'm gonna look like a skinnier Angelina Jolie.
Wait, so this whole thing the pumpkin patch, the fight against Black Hairy Tongue Was all an elaborate plan to set up Zayday to be killed? I like to think of it more as an elaborate plan to save a life Mine.
Oh, don't judge me for trying to stay alive.
We all know you've been cozying up to Predatory Lez because you think she knows karate.
I just like hanging out with her.
She's cool to talk to.
She knows a lot about stuff.
Are you going lesbian, Number Three? Because while I get that Lezzie Pledge is kind of cute in a "if Bruce Lee were a DJ" kind of way, I don't think we should be having sex with pledges.
Now, if you'll follow me, I would like to implement phase two of my "Chanel Dies Last" plan.
(footsteps approaching) GRACE (quietly): Whatever she says, do not give an inch.
You're president now, too.
CHANEL: Zayday, this is the key to the storage room.
Where we keep our tampon backstock in case of a nuclear war and all of our secrets.
It's the most holy room in the house, and only the president has the key.
I want you to have it.
What's your game here? I trust you about as far as I can throw you.
No game.
I may be a stone-cold bitch, but I love Kappa and I want it to survive these challenging times.
So if you think you can do a better job than I can, then I say let's give the Zayday Administration a chance.
Sisters and anyone else who might be listening, I present to you the acting president of Kappa Kappa Tau, Zayday something! Williams.
But that'll do.
- (knocking) - (door opens) GRACE: Excuse me, Madam President, the Speaker of the House is on line one.
Take a message.
(laughs) Z! Oh, come here.
I'm so proud of you.
This is so exciting.
I mean, Kappa is really gonna change, and it all starts with you.
Well, the biggest change I'd like to implement is for everyone to stop getting murdered by a serial killer.
That's what we need to talk about.
I know we don't know who the killer is, but we know it traces back to this house.
If the Red Devil is killing Kappas, that means some of them have to know something.
We just need to find out what.
A slumber party.
What? There are two things that always happen at a slumber party: someone experiments with lesbianism and secrets are revealed.
Oh, my God.
That is brilliant.
We can create situations and scenarios to really prime the pump.
Like a big game of Truth or Dare.
That'll be my first act as president.
We'll lock everybody up overnight, and we're bound to find out something.
Can I have y'all's attention? Kappa House is having a slumber party! What? Ew.
Gross.
No.
Yes.
It's gonna be great.
Look, we're gonna lock ourselves in, play some games, get cozy What are you talking about?! No, we are not ten! Shut up, Chanel.
It's a great idea.
A slumber party sounds fun.
Let's play Spin the Bottle.
What? You heard me.
I want to play Spin the Bottle.
We're doing it.
ZAYDAY: What'd I tell you? Someone always goes lesbian.
Uh, yeah, well, Spin the Bottle sounds great, I guess, but don't you think a rousing game of Truth or Dare would be way more fun to play first? - No.
- No? We're having a slumber party, and before we do anything else, we're playing Spin the damn Bottle.
Let's vote.
All those in favor of a slumber party.
There.
It's decided.
We're having a slumber party, okay? Everyone get in your PJs, and be down here at 5:00, okay? Why Spin the Bottle? There aren't any Dickies here! DICKIES: Caulfield! Caulfield! Caulfield! (cheering) Caulfield, you suck it, bro! You suck it so hard! Suck it! Suck it! Come on, baby! Come on, baby! Don't stop now.
Don't st (cheering) Brother Caulfield, you just chugged four liters of canned pasta in 45 seconds.
So if anybody ever tells you that just because you got your arms chopped off by a serial killer that somehow you're handicapped, you have 'em give me a call.
And I'm gonna tell 'em this story.
(clears throat) Chad.
The Dollar Scholars need to have a little talk with you, mate.
Listen, this is an intervention.
Mate, there's a nasty rumor going around saying you're having sex with with the dean.
That is not a nasty rumor.
That is a true rumor.
I am totally porkin' Dean Munsch.
Chick is smokin'.
There's also another rumor saying that you slept with one of the security guards.
Denise Hemphill.
Um, yeah.
(groaning) I mean, she is fun.
I'm not kidding.
I mean, that girl knows what she's doing.
But what about Chanel? No, Chanel's good, too.
I mean, she's When you have sex with Chanel, there's just, like, so much, like crying.
Look, Chad, we've talked about this as a house, and we all agree it's super weird that you sleep with so many old people.
Hmm.
Oh.
Wow.
You guys have really given me something to think about.
While I've always believed one of the most fun parts of college life is sleeping with the faculty, I now realize that concentrating on porking popular girls, it's in all of our best interests.
Therefore, I hereby pledge I'm gonna concentrate on my relationship with Chanel, 'cause she's freakin' hot as hell and her dad was a bundler for Mitt Romney.
Well, you know, a little birdie told me Kappa House are having a slumber party tonight.
So I propose a panty raid.
All those in favor? Panty raid! CHANEL: Nope! Not doing this.
I don't understand why we're playing Spin the Bottle.
There are exactly zero wangers here.
Chanel, I will act as proxy and kiss Candle Vlogger so that you don't have to.
You taste like wax.
You taste good, too.
My turn.
It's my turn.
There.
I just spun it.
Dear God, if you really exist, please show me by letting it land on Predatory Lez so I can explore these confusing, conflicting feelings I've been having lately.
Re-spin.
New rule: you can re-spin.
Oh.
Sam.
I guess we have to kiss.
You're a great kisser.
Thanks.
I guess you're okay.
I'll say it again.
I don't know why we're doing this.
Hey.
Was I interrupting you? No, it's cool.
I was just practicing looking disinterested.
Do you do that, too? Because when I was a kid, no one liked me 'cause my dad was so rich, so I started acting like I didn't care.
But then I realized I really wasn't pretending and I actually didn't care.
I'm pretty sure I was born without that part of the brain that actually feels stuff.
We have so much in common.
I'm starting to think we have something very important and specific in common.
My sex life up until this point is what you'd call unusual.
When I turned 18, I started dating one of my dad's friends.
He committed suicide by running himself over with a golf cart at the club.
The guy I dated here last year got so obsessed with my ears he had to leave school.
Now he writes me letters threatening to cut them off if he ever sees them again.
Which is why I always wear my ear muffs.
I understand.
I think the only way to be sure of your feelings is if you let me gently rub your uterus right now.
No.
You don't understand.
I'm Charles Manson's daughter.
His charisma and madness is in my blood.
When I love someone, it drives them insane.
No.
I can't.
We can be alibilibidibuddies and do our best to protect each other, but our vaginas may never touch.
It's too dangerous.
Believe me when I say that if it was possible for me to feel anything I would totally be crying right now.
(oven timer dings) What are you guys doing? Well, hello, Madam President.
Making chocolate covered peanuts for Chanel's special s'mores.
But those are packing peanuts.
That doesn't seem healthy.
Uh, yeah.
Cuts the calorie content in, like, half.
Why are you two back without any ice? We have a problem.
All the doors are locked solid.
Windows, too.
Upstairs and down.
(alarm softly beeping) They're right.
We're trapped.
Wait, you guys, I think I know what this is.
It's probably my dad.
He's been getting on me to stay inside where it's safe, and I'm pretty sure he did this because I wouldn't listen.
He sounds like an awful parent.
GRACE: He's overprotective, but I'm telling you there is nothing to worry about.
Of course it's something to worry about.
It's not your dad and his 1986 Miami Vice five o'clock shadow.
It was the killer.
But, guys, how did he lock every window and every door without us noticing? He must have hacked into the fail-safe security system I had installed.
One recent stormy night, Chad and I watched Panic Room on Netflix, and Chad was like, "You totally need one of those.
" But Jodie Foster's was small and gross, so I decided to have the whole house turned into a panic room.
But wait, doesn't that mean that there's some sort of switch somewhere to deactivate it? Yes, theoretically, but the guy said the kill switch was on back order and he'd have to install it in a couple of weeks.
Guys, I am freaking out! I hate being trapped in small places.
Okay, this house is literally, like, 15,000 square feet.
There's only one reason why the killer would do something like this To pick us off one by one.
That's what I would do.
Guess it's just a matter of time before one of us or all of us ends up dead.
(all scream) (line ringing) CHAD: You're go for Chad Radwell.
Chad, it's me, Chanel.
Well, well, well.
Isn't this a coincidence.
I was headed over to Kappa House to steal some of your panties.
Oh, Chad, that's amazing.
I love you so much.
But, Chad, listen.
You have to help us.
We're trapped in the house and the power went out and my phone is the only one that's working because I'm pretty sure the killer knocked down a cell tower or something.
Wait, well, why does yours work, then? Because mine's a satellite phone.
Elon Musk gave it to me.
It's designed for space travel.
My dad is super gross rich, Chad.
I know.
That's my favorite thing about you, baby.
Look, Chanel, before I come and save you and whatnot, I got to get some things off my chest.
- A, I had sex with the dean.
- What? Look, I'm prepared to say I'm sorry I did that.
What I'm not prepared to do is say the sex was bad.
Because it was not.
Oh, also, I hooked up with the, uh, security guard.
- Officer Hemphill? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm not gonna apologize for that one.
Chad, I'm about to get murdered, so can you please just hang up and get over here? Chad Radwell is on the way.
I love you, Chad.
Hello? I love you, too, sort of.
(laughing) (all panting) How on earth are we supposed to get in if all the doors and windows are locked? Dude, we climb up the ladder, break the windows upstairs, save all the girls, climb back down, then it's Vagina City for all of us.
I thought you said Chanel had all the windows bomb-proofed so that we can't break them.
Yeah downstairs windows, dude.
Why would you bomb-proof upstairs windows? For what, like, a flying bomb? A flying bomb would be a missile, Chad.
Honestly, where's the Red Devil gonna get a missile? Don't be an idiot.
Hold this.
It's hero time.
(exhales) Ah, here we go.
Oh, Chad, you've come for me.
Save me and I'm yours forever.
Uh (stammers) I'm not really sure I'm ready for that level of commitment.
Chad, please, I'm trapped in the house with a killer.
Break the glass! Not until you take back what you said.
Fine, just save me, Chad.
And? And I'm yours for an amount of time you feel is appropriate.
Stand back, fair maiden.
Chad's about to be a hero.
Oh, Chad! (kisses) Oh CHAD: Whoa, Red Devil! Get up here now! Go, go, go, go, go.
Climb.
Red Devil, coming in hot! He's moving.
Oh, he's moving, he's moving.
Hurry.
Caulfield, you climb.
You climb, you armless bastard! CAULFIELD: I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.
Chad, no, that's the only phone we have! Tonight is not the night Caulfield Mount Herman dies! CHAD: Come on! (all screaming) EARL: What do we do now? The only thing we can do: give him the dignity of watching him die.
(all groaning and screaming) Okay, okay, okay, he's good, he's good.
Oh! God.
(coughs) CHAD: No, no, not the head.
Oh, he's going for the (all scream) GRACE: Well, that answers that.
Someone in this house definitely knows who the killer is.
I hear you loud and clear, girl.
It's Truth or Dare time.
Wait, Zayday, stop.
Wh-What are we doing? Whatever it takes to stop the douche that's trying to kill everybody.
No, I mean, like, what are we doing? I mean, do you ever just stop and ask yourself if we can actually pull this off? Maybe maybe we all just need to get out of here.
Leave school.
The best way to avoid a shark attack is to not go in the water.
We all have a crisis of faith sometimes.
But no one is gonna tell a sisterhood with Zayday Williams as the president when they can and can't go swimming.
So pull it together and let's go play this game of Truth or Dare.
'Cause ain't nothing and no one stopping the hot tsunami of truth rolling into this house tonight.
All right, you guys.
It's time to play a game - of Truth or Dare.
- CHANEL: Just saying, now would be the time to play Spin the Bottle.
We finally have some Dickies here.
Someone in this house knows something about the murderer that they're not telling us, and I intend to find out what.
Okay, here's how the game works.
When it's your turn, you have a choice of Truth or Dare.
If you choose truth, you have to tell the truth.
And if you choose dare I don't know.
Maybe you're hiding something.
Ooh! Yes.
JENNIFER: But wouldn't you just lie? I mean, if I were the killer, I'd pick truth and then just lie.
(chuckles) Uh, well, the-the game's not Truth or Dare or Lie.
(chuckles) Just Truth or Dare.
If you want to lie, you can just pick dare.
No, you'd pick truth and then you'd lie.
(chuckles) Uh, no, you can't lie.
That's the that's the whole point of Truth or Dare.
You can't lie.
But I'm sorry, the game's pretty damn simple! Okay? It's Truth or Dare, all right? If you pick truth, you have to tell the truth.
If you pick dare it's gonna be really suspicious, and I'm gonna think you had something to do with my sweet bro Boone dying and my rad bro Caulfield getting his arms and then his head chopped off! And Dodger.
Will you stop whining about Dodger?! Everybody agrees that dude was holding you back.
Nobody misses him.
Now let's play some Truth or Dare and find out who the killer is.
Number Five, truth or dare? Truth.
Okay.
Number Five, does your vagina have teeth? That's insane.
No, it doesn't, Chanel.
I thought she wasn't allowed to lie.
I'm not lying.
My vagina doesn't have teeth.
Can I rephrase the question? Does your vagina still have teeth? No! The answer is no! "No, it no longer has teeth, so it used to have teeth, but you got them removed"? No, I didn't.
So your vagina still has teeth.
Which one is it, Number Five? Sounds like you're trapped in a web of lies.
You're forfeiting your turn, bitch.
Um okay, I guess it's my turn, then.
Sam.
Truth or dare? Truth.
What is Chanel #3's deepest, darkest secret? CHANEL #3: Oh, my God.
She knows I have weird feelings for her.
She's gonna tell everyone.
I have to just blurt it out.
Her deepest, darkest secret is Her father is Charles Manson.
I have weird, sexy feelings for Sam.
What? ZAYDAY: Hold on.
What did you just say? I have weird sexy feelings for Sam.
Wh-What did you just say? Her father is Charles Manson.
Okay, can I just say, Number Three is definitely the killer.
No, I'm not! You promised you wouldn't tell.
Sorry.
I had to tell the truth.
Of course you're the killer.
I mean, your dad's Charles Manson, dude.
If you're not the killer, you should probably you know, give it a shot.
I think you'd be pretty good at it.
Thanks.
My turn.
Sam, truth or dare.
I just went.
Truth or dare?! Dare.
I dare you to go down to the creepy Kappa House basement where we keep all our deepest, darkest secrets, and take a little nap in the bathtub.
Fine.
CHAD: Oh! Yes! Bathtub naps.
This is getting good.
Okay, guys, I propose we take a little break, you know, take a whiz, get a refill.
Bro, grab my phone.
There's a little playlist I put together called "Douche.
" I want you to call that up on the Bluetooth speakers so we can get our dance on.
Truth or dare! I get knocked down, but I get Look, I'm really sorry.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ever trusted you.
But I wanted to talk about the other thing you said, about how you thought you had feelings for me.
The only feelings I have for you now are rage and pissed-offedness.
Now go sit in that bathtub and think about what you've done and try not to rub one out, okay? Come on! I said I was sorry! (lock clicks) (door creaking) (door creaking) Hello? If anybody's down here, please don't jump out at me.
I have a thing about that.
I get knocked down, but I get up again You are never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again Is that blood? (Sam groaning) Wait.
If you're gonna kill me, at least show me who you are first.
I knew it.
I knew it was you.
(panting) Please.
You don't have to do this.
I could help you.
(muffled screaming) Hi, Chad.
The killer took all the food out of all the cabinets and left us nothing but watermelon lime coolers in the fridge.
He's trying to starve us to death.
There's never any food in there.
Just laxatives.
Chanel's orders.
Chad, after our erotic bonding session in the cemetery and our coitus interruptus in the haunted house, I got the impression that you and I are on the verge of being the next "it" couple.
Yeah.
I just don't know what would make you think that.
You texted me saying, "We are on the verge of being the next 'it' couple, Hester.
Love, Chad.
" See, this is the problem with texting, you know? You can't hear the context.
You've been spending a lot of time with Chanel tonight.
Even though I decided to not wear a bra, you haven't been staring at my shirt raisins once.
Okay, look, I was waiting to talk to you about this 'cause secretly I was hoping you'd be killed and I wouldn't have to hurt your feelings.
I just don't think it would work out with us.
You're nuts, and not like a typical crazy-eyes co-ed, but wake-up-with-my penis-in-a-jar lunatic.
Now, that puts me in a tough spot because that also means you'd be the screw of my life.
I mean, that kind of insanity means your muffin It's Space Mountain levels of fun.
I love Space Mountain.
Best ride at Disneyland.
But I love my penis more.
Let me tell you two things about me.
Okay.
Number one I never take second place.
And number two I don't stop till I get what I want.
What's going on in here? Nothing, Chanel.
Just getting some wine coolers for my sisters.
By the way, Chanel, you look amazing tonight.
Being imprisoned by a psycho killer in your own house really suits you.
Was that salad spinner hitting on you? Yeah, totally, which is why I'm glad you showed up.
I am super turned on from her, and I need some sweet release.
Is there any, like, Crisco or cooking oil here? Just, like, dry handies bum me out.
I have a better idea.
Let's go out and join the others.
It's game time again.
As Kappa House copresident, I think I can speak for everyone when I say we've all been through hell.
So, I propose we treat ourselves to a little heaven.
Seven Minutes in Heaven.
I go first, and I pick Chad.
Wait.
No.
Hold on.
The whole point of this slumber party was to figure out who the killer is.
CHANEL: Oh, give it a rest, Nancy Drew.
Whatever your plan was, it isn't working.
So, if you'll excuse me for seven minutes, I'm going to ask my boyfriend, Chad Radwell, to dial "O" on my pink telephone.
Chad? Would you like to pat the little man in the canoe? (chuckles) (squeaks) (footsteps running) (moaning) I'm making out with you.
I'm making out with you so hard.
(laughs) - Oh, Chad? - Mm-hmm.
Chad? Mm-hmm.
I want to take our relationship to the next level.
What? Well I want us to be together, but I want it to mean something.
Yeah.
No, I'm ready to do this.
- What? Really? - Definitely.
I mean, I love boning girls all over this great land.
But really, at the end of the day, I just kind of want to bone one girl.
Like, that one special girl.
Mm-hmm.
And I don't know.
I just didn't think that girl was you because, obviously, there's so much wrong with you.
But then I think about the good things about you.
Like like how gullible you are, how rich your dad is.
And when I think about that girl The really rich one who's easy to trick I think she's pretty special, too.
Chad! Chanel? Will you get back together with me? Look, all of these murders on campus have caused me to do a lot of soul searching, and I think I've arrived at a place of deep personal awareness.
So, I would consider taking you back under one condition.
You have to pinky-pledge that you will be monogamous to me.
You will not have sex with anyone else.
Do you understand me? Okay.
Oh, Chad! Okay, time's up.
Roger, we're next.
(Chanel scoffs) Roger?! (screaming) I came to see if Sam needed anything, but she doesn't because she's dead! Dude, she looks like prepackaged meat from the supermarket.
Chanel 3 is standing right there.
Show some respect.
We weren't dating.
CHANEL: Wait.
If she's dead and all the doors are locked from the outside, that means the killer is in the house! Oh, God, has someone checked on the kids? CHANEL: The killer is standing right in front of us.
Pretty convenient that you're the one who found the body.
I would be offended by that accusation, Chanel, if I wasn't so honored that you were thinking about me.
You can knock off the "neck brace in the headlights" act.
You're the darkest bitch of them all.
Number 3 told me that you were the one who turned me in to the police.
Those are some serious accusations, and they make no sense.
Considering everything that I've seen and done for you here, Chanel Ms.
Bean, Number Two.
I would be opening myself up to a lot of trouble if I were to turn you in to the authorities.
GRACE: It doesn't do any of us any good to start accusing each other with no evidence.
But it is pretty suspicious that you're the one who found her, Hester.
Okay, I understand.
I suggest that we just have someone stand guard and watch me for the rest of the night, or until someone else dies, therefore proving that I am not the killer.
I nominate Chad.
Screw that, Evil Harrington.
We're locking you upstairs in my closet until we can find a way out of here.
This feels so good.
Yeah, it does.
No, not this.
I mean, it feels so good now that my brother's gone.
It's such a relief.
The only time we've ever been apart was the two minutes that separated our birth.
The only bummer is, like, we created this amazing clicking language, and now I have nobody to use it with.
Wait.
I could teach you! Okay, okay, so, two high clicks means, "Hello.
" Okay, so (clicking) And three low clicks means, "Man, this ice cream is delicious.
" Okay, so (clicking) (panting) (shuddering breath) (gasping breaths) (echoing scream) I tried to scream, but nothing came out! CHAD (crying): Roger Roger And then he was just gone! The Red Devil shot Roger in the head with the nail gun, and then he just disappeared! Okay.
Here's what we know.
One Number Five is a psychopath who no one likes.
Two She went in the closet to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with her boyfriend, and then he ends up dead! Clearly, Chanel #5 is the killer! But when the Dickie Dollars got attacked, and Caulfield got his arms chopped off there were two Devils.
Dos Diablos.
Okay, fine.
Hester is one of the killers, and the other is Chanel #5.
Even though I firmly believe the psychotic twin duo of Number Five and Number Six are the killers Oh.
I have a pressing question for Haggie Gyllenhaal.
Isn't it interesting that my former stalker and your current boyfriend Pete isn't here tonight? He told me he was studying tonight.
(groans) He did.
He told me he was studying.
Interesting.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Interesting.
CHAD (echoing): Oh, dudes, there is a trapdoor with, like, a tunnel system.
See, Chanel? I wasn't lying.
ZAYDAY: But wait, there are secret tunnels in this house perfect for a killer to use, and you neglected to tell us? That's a little suspicious.
Okay, look.
We are losing sight of the big picture here.
Chanel couldn't have killed Roger because she was with us when it happened.
None of us killed him.
While Chanel #5 and Roger were in the closet, we were all together which means none of us did it.
I'm going down there.
Are you crazy?! The Red Devil could still be in the house.
Both of the Red Devils could still be in the house.
Look, this house is sealed up, right? Doors and windows locked.
So if none of us is the killer, that tunnel is how the Red Devil got in.
That also means it's our way out.
CHAD: I'm not going down there.
I do not dig on cobwebs, and I'm guessing there are loads of cobwebs down there.
I'm going with her.
We're copresidents of this house and responsible for what happens under this roof.
(softly): Chanel if you get murdered in those tunnels, I promise I will never bang anyone harder than I banged you.
Chad Let's do this.
I love you.
(pants) Oh you're so rich and hot.
(sighs) (sighs) These are the nicest secret tunnels I've ever seen.
These tunnels were designed and decorated by founding Kappa sister Madam Cynthia Rogers Bouvet.
She was the interior decorator for both the Cleveland and Taft Administrations.
CHANEL: She had affairs with both of them.
Rumor has it Taft fell asleep while mounting her and crushed her to death.
These are all past presidents.
Marcy Weiss Kappa president 1928 to 1930.
She helped Kappa avoid the misery of the Great Depression by kicking out any sister whose family was affected by the crash of '29 and couldn't pay their dues.
Wandy Hart Kappa president 1970.
Personally responsible for crushing the antiwar movement on campus by having the administration ban macramé, fringed vests and Creedence Clearwater Revival songs.
(sighs) Missy Carmichael Kappa president 1986.
A pioneer in bringing cocaine to Kappa Kappa Tau.
(takes deep breath) Wow.
What amazing legacies they all have.
What do you think ours will be? If we can get through this year without everyone getting killed, I think we'll go down as the greatest of them all.
(gasps) (gasps, screams) (gasps) (both scream) (panting) (Zayday screaming) (gasping) (grunts) (gasps, pants) Oh (gasps) (Chanel grunts) Come on! (creaking) (panting) - You came back for me.
- Purely selfish.
If I'm gonna survive this thing, I'm gonna need the numbers.
Don't you see that all the killings have been about Kappa? Well, except for Coney, - but he was just irritating.
- (sirens wailing) Yeah, that's becoming pretty obvious.
JENNIFER: You are probably the worst cop ever.
- (ringtone plays) - We're pretty much gonna focus all of our attention on protecting this house.
I'm gonna have uniformed officers posted outside 24/7.
That is fantastic news.
What's fantastic? Come on.
You and I both know that that lesbian was cannon fodder.
And think about it.
What kind of life was that guy gonna live with no arms, really? They were but a small price to pay for the knowledge that I can now place a robocall to every parent and student at this university saying that as long as they are not a sister of, pledging, or sleeping with someone from Kappa House, they are safe to resume normal school activities.
WES: Grace.
Dad, hi.
Oh, thank God.
(sighs) Hi.
What's wrong? Grace.
Come on.
Wait, where are we going? Out of here.
No, Dad, I'm not leaving.
Not now.
Not when my sisters need me the most.
Your sisters are getting picked off like ducks on a pond! I won't go! And you can't make me.
In three seconds, I'm gonna pick you up and carry you out of here.
Do you understand me? ZAYDAY: I don't think so, Dad.
You're a good man, and I love the way you love her.
But if sister wants to stay, she's staying.
Oh.
Um, I-I just kind of came over here because I farted over there and it smelled bad.
Okay.
Dad.
Dad, can (door slams) (sighs) I'm sorry about Roger.
Or Dodger.
Well, both.
Thanks.
I'm sorry about Sam.
Thanks.
I miss her.
I loved her.
Her tattoos and the way she wore that hat without any irony at all.
She awakened a deep sexual honesty in me that, up until now, I was afraid to admit.
Wait, you're a lesbian? No.
At first, my feelings for Sam made me think I was.
But then, in that moment, when I kissed her, I realized I didn't care if she was a girl or a guy.
Basically, I'm in love with love.
And Sam dying taught me that the next time I feel love for someone, I'm going to tell them.
Right away.
Just in case they're murdered before I can.
It was like her final gift to you.
That's a nice way of thinking about it.
Makes me feel a little less guilty about condemning her to die by daring her to go down to the basement alone.
I'd always felt like I'd won the lottery with Roger and Dodger.
I mean, I never thought they'd both get killed.
What are the chances, right? I just feel like I'm never gonna find a guy who likes me.
Let alone two who look exactly alike.
I'm a freak.
I mean, the only reason I'm in this house is 'cause I'm a legacy.
(sighs) Nobody actually likes me.
Chanel has the whole campus convinced that my vagina has teeth.
You are totally gonna find another guy.
You're super cute, and you're a Kappa.
And I'm sure there's some awesome dude out there who will accept you for who you are, vaginal teeth and all.
Thanks.
And let's make a pact.
No matter what happens, no matter what dignity we have to sacrifice, what laws we have to break, what bodies we have to step over, you and I are going to outlive Chanel.
Deal? Deal.
CHANEL: Pledges and sisters of Kappa House, thanks to me, you've all survived yet another attack from the Red Devil killer.
Once again, death came to Kappa House, and once again that death, while tragic, has brought us all closer together.
I even kind of like Zayday now.
And I got gifts.
JENNIFER: Giant, pink chopsticks.
No.
They're custom-made pink nunchaku.
Oh.
If I can impart anything on you slits over the course of this year, it's that Kappas don't take any crap from anyone.
Guys, I joined this sorority to feel close to my mom, to get a taste of the sisterhood that she was so inspired by.
And after last night, I really feel it.
I'm with you guys, no matter what.
(chuckles) Thank you for making that announcement that no one cared about.
Now, I pledge that from this night on, we will not lose any more of our sisters.
How are you gonna do that? We are gonna take the fight to him.
I will not rest until we have the Red Devil or Red Devils' heads on spikes on the front lawn of this house.
Well, that's all well and good, but we all know that it was my slumber party idea that made this whole.
"'We Are the World' Hands Across America" stuff happen.
And we never got to appropriately finish said party.
Now, I don't know about you guys, but in O-Town, no slumber party is finished without a kickass dance party.
(beep) What, what?! (Modern English's "I Melt with You" playing) (girls whooping) This is so wonderfully random.
I know.
What a great way to pretend all these people we know weren't brutally murdered.
- There's nothing you and I won't do - CHANEL: Stop.
- HESTER: Kappa! - I'll stop the world and melt with you.