Scream Queens (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Dorkus

- Previously on Scream Queens - (screaming) MUNSCH: The assault on your predecessor, Melanie Dorkus I think you did it.
CHANEL: These morons need someone to tear them a new one.
I am going to write the missive to end all missives.
- Pete - I can't! I don't want your first time to be with a murderer.
Wait.
You're the Red Devil killer? No.
Well, yes.
W-Well, no, but sort of.
Grace, you can't leave.
Not until I'm done telling you everything.
Okay? I love you.
I would never, ever hurt you.
I promise you're safe.
That was part of the deal.
You could never be touched.
Deal? (car horn honks) (Shondell screams) The night the security guard was killed outside of Kappa, I was there, doing my job snooping.
I risked my life.
I followed the Red Devil right to the Dickie Dollar Scholars House.
(panting) I followed him inside, saw him taking off his costume.
It was Boone.
That was weeks ago.
Wh-Why didn't you turn him in? How many lives could you have saved? I was I was totally going to, I swear.
But then he started talking to me.
He laid the whole thing out Why he was doing what he was doing, how Kappa had to be stopped, how they killed his mother, how they were humanity at their worst, how Kappa had to pay.
And then I realized his mission and our mission were the same.
Our mission never involved killing anyone.
Oh, really? How was that apple cider you gave Dean Munsch, Grace? Don't be mad at Boone or me for realizing before you did that the only way to really, really bring Chanel and her type down was bringing them all the way down to the ground, under the ground.
Everybody thinks the Red Devil "Ooh, he's the bad guy in all of this.
" But, no, he's not the monster.
No, no, no, no, no.
The Kappas.
The Chanels.
The dinosaur of a Greek system.
They are the beast.
More than half of students that join sororities or fraternities get hazed, and it's not just wearing raw chickens on their heads and calling each other gay slurs while jumping around naked.
And let's just put aside the psychological damage done to each and every one of them that were just looking for a place to belong, and instead spent months being verbally abused about being a pound overweight or not having the right pair of Air Jordans.
I mean, how many has the Red Devil killed, huh? Eight? Ten, maybe? (chuckles): I mean, come on.
It's not even a competition.
That beast is going to keep on feeding on young lives until someone cuts its highlight-covered head off.
Oh, and besides, Boone said there were other killers, too.
It was a conspiracy.
If I turned him in, we would have never found out who they were.
Stop rationalizing it.
You killed people.
You are not allowed to just say, "Yeah, but I had a super good reason for it.
" Who did you kill? ROGER: This feels so good.
(kissing gently) Roger.
(Chanel #5 screams) (panting) (Chanel #5 sobbing) PETE: Or D-Dodger.
I-I don't know.
I get them all mixed up.
Hey, hey, hey! Grace, Grace, no.
Grace.
Grace.
(panting) What, are you gonna kill me now? No.
I would never hurt you.
I just can't let you leave.
Not until I'm done telling you everything! (knife clatters on floor) I really liked you, Pete.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop No, no, I'm not letting you go from my life that easily, Grace.
Stop.
Grace.
I know that - if you could just - Stop.
hear what I have to say, to understand Please.
why I did what I did, you could still love me.
(sobbing) That guy, Roger, was terrible to his brother, did you know that? - His whole life.
- (sniffles) He-he ripped off Dodger's left nipple in utero.
Don't try to justify it all after the fact.
You were just mad that the Dickie Dollars Scholars rejected you.
Of course I was.
They're just as bad as the Kappa girls.
But, Grace, you have to understand, I had no choice.
No, no, no, no, no! They showed up one day thinking that I was a double agent, that I couldn't be trusted.
They were going to kill me.
Hey, hey, you can trust me, you can trust me! Ask me and I'll do anything.
I'll prove it.
It was Roger or me.
Don't you see that they did that on purpose?! They knew that if you actually killed someone, you would be their slave! God! We were the good guys.
We were in this together! I did this for you.
Don't you understand? I did this to be one of the good guys, Grace.
I mean, come on.
You practically told me to.
Don't you remember driving back from seeing Mandy? GRACE: The more I hear about this whole thing, the more I'm starting to think the idea that there are good and bad people in the world is just something adults use to get children to stay in line.
Mm.
Well, Nietzsche said, (imitates Matthew McConaughey): "You have your way, "I have my way.
"As for the right way, "the correct way and the only way, it does not exist.
" Exactly.
I mean, how can you possibly stop an evil as old as Kappa House while you're playing by the rules? I mean, aren't we being naive? What are you suggesting? I don't know.
It's just (sighs) maybe the Red Devil has the right idea.
(car horn blaring) You took me literally? If you gaze long enough into an abyss, that abyss will gaze back into you.
That is Nietzsche, too, Grace.
You're quoting Nietzsche? Seriously? You are already a murderer, Pete, you don't have to be a douche as well! This is not a philosophy course.
This is murder serial murder! I agree.
Which is why I decided to make it all stop.
So I killed Boone.
He asked me to come help kill Gigi, but I knew this was my chance to finally end this.
Gigi was the planner, the George Clooney in their psycho Ocean's Eleven, but Boone was the muscle.
Without him GIGI: No! (Gasps) (gasping) they could never keep this whole thing going.
But after I did that, I-I-I-I-I-I I decided no more.
It was time to stop.
Except for shooting Chanel with the crossbow and then that other police guy, but that was self-defense.
That was you? Grace.
I had to finish that part of it.
The only way to justify this whole thing was if her reign of terror was ended.
(sighs) You and I never talked about what she did to me last year.
She led me on for months.
She said she was looking to experiment sexually by being with a guy who wasn't a three-pump chump like Chad.
She wanted to play out her deepest, darkest fantasies with me.
I was so young and desperate to be special and loved.
I never had a real girlfriend before.
PETE: Are you sure this is what you want? I was vulnerable enough to share my darkest fetish with you, and now you're making me feel self-conscious.
Just come in and take me now.
And don't forget the dialogue.
(grunting wildly) (chuckles) (laughs) You are ridiculously and laughably gullible.
(laughter) CHANEL #5: I can't believe that you actually believed that Chanel would be turned on by Daryl Hannah in Clan of the Cave Bear.
(laughter) (both grunting wildly) (laughter, grunting continues) What self-respecting man wouldn't do anything to get revenge for being degraded like that? Unfortunately, I don't have great aim with a crossbow and I can't see anything in that mask.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I feel sick.
This isn't what I wanted.
Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
Okay? Don't judge me for what we both know had to happen.
Don't you see I did this all for you? For us? To give you what you wanted, to clean up the whole mess that Chanel made of Kappa.
You know what? Let's just run away together.
You and me.
Forget everything.
Let the other killer finish what we started.
Don't you see how much I love you? Don't you see what I'm willing to do for you? I hate you, Pete.
You are everything I have been fighting against.
I never want to see you again.
If you want me to stay, you're gonna have to kill me.
(door opens) But if you leave, I won't be able to tell you who the other killer is.
(sighs) Spoiler alert: it's one of your sisters.
Oh, you were right, Grace.
You were right all along.
It was the other baby in the bathtub.
Boone's twin sister.
Well, tell me.
Who is it? Sit down.
(scoffs) Come on.
Just sit down.
I mean, I really should have known.
It wasn't that hard to find out.
I just had to collect DNA samples from all the Kappas.
CHANEL #5: No! I don't want to speak to your supervisor! I want to speak to the president of Tinder! Your app is broken! I've gotten zero swipes on my profile! Who is the killer? Who is the other baby in the bathtub? You're not gonna believe it.
The other baby in the bathtub (gasps, groans) Run.
(yells) (yells) (grunting) (screams) (grunting) (crowd booing, clamoring) CHANEL: I know what you're thinking.
Why is Chanel, the goddess of fashion and telling it like it is, being tormented by fatties with bad haircuts and horrible shoes? What was the outrage that was so enormous it brought students back to campus despite the fact that a serial killer is still on the loose? If you believe it, it's all because I chose to pen the missive to end all missives.
Attention all useless Kappa sluts.
Congratulations.
If you're reading this "it means you've overcome the limitations "of your tiny manatee brains and opened an e-mail.
Now, if you're asking yourself" "'Derr, wait, I'm confused.
Is Chanel talking to me? "Am I a useless Kappa slut?' simply ask yourself the following question aloud" "Is my name Chanel #3, Chanel #5, Chanel #6 or Zayday Williams?" "Because if the answer to that is yes, then felicitations, this missive is for you.
" CHANEL: So, do you all remember when we agreed to meet at the campus pool and kill the dean, and I got you all awesome new phones, so that when it came time to meet, the phone would light up a certain color, and when it did, you didn't even have to answer it, you just had to come meet at the aforementioned pool? And then do you remember not coming to the pool, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple that an orangutan could have figured it out? Like, literally, a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical lederhosen and seen it light up and used his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny, motorized Shriner's car and driven to the pool like I asked.
Do you remember any aspect of this super simple plan? That's not a rhetorical question.
I'm literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process any of my super simple orangutan-level instructions.
Because what I remember is that none of you showed up, which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool by myself, like a grade-A ass-hat, with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Dean Munsch with and then have a super awkward convo with her where I was like, "Oh, derr, I just like bringing enormous chains to pools," and I looked like a total div.
I don't entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping your chapter president drown a serial killer, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called Liquid Gold Colonics for Young Sluts, like if you were doing literally anything else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized.
I'm not being facetious.
I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries, thereby sparing human race exposure to your DNA.
You four trollops are the worst specimens of human beings ever born, and you all should really watch your backs, because if this serial killer targeting Kappa House doesn't chop off your heads, I'm going to do it! So I can sell your tiny whore brainpans to science.
Sincerely, Chanel Oberlin.
So, the next day, I went to get an extra-hot pumpkin spice latte and more news coming from Wallace University, where an alleged serial killer continues to stalk the campus.
And that's when it happened.
after an insane sorority rant from Kappa Kappa Tau president, Chanel Oberlin, students have returned MAN: Is President Obama a total div? Chanel Oberlin's malicious WOMAN: The new face of hate, Chanel Oberlin MAN 2: weighs in on liquid gold colonics CHANEL: No, no, no, no, no, no.
MAN 3: Chanel Oberlin is being labeled Worst Person Alive.
CHANEL: How did this happen? (crowd booing, clamoring) I mean, I'm all for public shaming.
I practically invented it.
It's the sign of a healthy culture.
But not when I'm the one getting shamed.
I wanted to be famous, but not like this.
Chanel! Chanel! What does it feel like to be the most hated woman in America? What about an apology, Chanel? MAN: Ms.
Oberlin, any comment at this time? (crowd quiets, cameras continue snapping) Yes.
I would like to comment.
To all the so-called mainstream media, including weird Web sites that nobody has heard of who have used my name as clickbait, and to all the relentless unwashed hordes on Twitter, who have taken every opportunity to mock and attack me mercilessly from the safety of their stained futons, I offer the following heartfelt sentiment.
You can all suck it! (crowd booing, clamoring) (doors creak) Despite my outward bravado, I was dead inside.
(doors close) In my heart, I knew my glamorous reign of terror was over.
It was going to be difficult, but I knew what I had to do.
I have to kill myself.
(knocking on door) Leave me alone.
Chanel are you okay? I said get out, please! - I'm trying to kill myself.
- What?! How? - Duh, with an asp.
- Like a snake? Yes.
I ordered an asp online so I could kill myself like Cleopatra, and now I'm just waiting for it to sense my body heat and come out and bite me so this will all be over.
Chanel, no, that's insane.
Is it? Is it insane? My life is over.
There was nothing left to do but go on AliExpress and order a venomous snake for same-day delivery and just end it all.
Hold on.
(snake hissing) Chanel, - this isn't an asp.
- (gasps) It's a garter snake.
No, it isn't.
Look at its markings.
What markings? This is a sweater.
I can't even kill myself right.
Chanel, look at me.
I understand that what you're going through is really intense.
And I know you and I haven't really always seen eye to eye, and you say crazy-mean stuff to me all the time, and I have a real problem with your casual racism, which is something we need to work on, but, girl, I promise I got your back.
- Really? - Yes.
And I know you can't see it now, but things are gonna get better.
You're young, smart and beautiful, and you got a lot of living ahead of you.
So don't talk about killing yourself, okay? That's not even something you should joke about.
Come here.
Maybe this is one of those teachable moments, you know? Like my grandmama says.
Maybe this is where you learn the lesson that words really mean something and they can hurt people, so you just can't always say the first horrible thing that pops into your head all the time.
- That's gonna be so hard.
- I know.
Why are you being so nice to me? Because we have a real opportunity here.
I mean, I think it's safe to say that you and this house have hit rock bottom.
And when things can't seem to get any worse, that's when they start to get better.
We're co-presidents, remember? That means this is the moment where you and I join forces to catch this killer and rebuild Kappa Kappa Tau into being something everybody can be proud of.
And we're gonna do it together.
Fine.
I'm in.
Whatever it takes.
(Chanel and Zayday screaming) Well, that's just great.
(gasps) (screams) What's wrong with him? (snake hissing, man screaming) (screaming) Please, please! I I didn't mean to do it! He's trying to say something! Rip off his mask! (screaming) Please! She made me do it! - Who?! Who made you do it?! - Get me out of this suit! - Have you seen this guy before? - No! (screaming) He smells like a pizza parlor.
(shouts) Get me out of this suit! (muffled shouting) Bitches, gather round.
- What the hell is going on? - Who is that guy? We have no idea.
Neither of us have seen him before.
Yeah.
It was so weird.
As soon as Zayday and I joined forces, he just fell into our lap.
Guys, something really weird happened, and I'm so unsettled.
No one cares! We just caught the killer! No, listen! I was getting my Fitbit steps in when this girl appeared out of nowhere with a shawl covering her face.
Oh, great news.
The Hag of Shady Lane has a sister.
No one cares.
No, she had scars all over her face.
She probably had bad acne and wanted beauty tips from us.
It was terrifying.
She was carrying a shovel! There's nothing terrifying about that.
She kept saying something, something "dork.
" Saying I'm-I'm a dork or something "dork.
" Number Six, hi.
Everyone on campus but me is a dork! You're always trying to pull focus! (man groans) Any last words? (muffled grunting) (panting) I'm gonna explode.
What? We should probably let him use the bathroom.
No! I'm gonna explode! (panting) I'm just a delivery guy! (doorbell rings) I delivered a pizza to this address and someone answered the door in this costume! Pizza! Wait, there's pizza? When I woke up, I was wrapped in dynamite! (all gasping) Oh, my God, it's a bomb.
(all screaming) She had a low voice, like a machine.
(beeping) She said she the only way she wouldn't kill me is if I came in here and I killed everyone.
And if I didn't, she'd detonate the bomb! (beep) (all screaming) (beep) (distorted screaming) (beep) (beeping) (electronic giggling) (distorted screaming) (distorted screaming continues) (equipment beeping) CHANEL #5: I just don't understand.
Like, one minute he's here, and then the next minute he just explodes! I know.
I also was there.
I mean, it's just so messed up.
Like, what are we supposed to do now? Yes, a totally innocent man who seemed super nice and probably did nothing wrong at all just got blown up in our living room.
Bummer.
Now, let's honor his memory by moving on.
(crying) What's wrong with her? Number Five is bumming me out by insisting that we relive the moment the pizza guy blew up over and over and over! Can you not make it about you for one second?! No, guys, I'm really freaked out! I feel like I'm having a panic attack! Get it together, Number Five! Stop wallowing and start concentrating on what's really important here.
Restoring my reputation.
Is that what's really important? Listen ever since Zayday saved my life from the fake asp I ordered online, I'm a changed woman.
Like, I get now that other people have feelings, and that words, they're like weapons or something.
So, I figured out a plan to restore Kappa House's dignity, get back Chad Radwell, and put me back into the hearts of the citizens of this great nation.
Wait, so (sighs) the plan isn't to catch the killer? No! We already know who the killer is! It's Boone! If we don't want him to kill us, we just have to avoid places where gay people go.
So, like, behind every Bennigan's.
I love Bennigan's.
(sputters) So what's the plan? I need to go on an apology tour.
You know, like celebrities, when they say something offensive, they just go on TV and apologize, and everybody forgives them, even though they don't mean it at all.
The first person I'm gonna apologize to - Me.
- Melanie Dorkus.
- What? - Yes.
You heard what Number Six said.
Clearly Melanie Dorkus is stalking the campus with a shovel in a veil, all pissed off because her face got burnt off, and I want to let bygones be bygones.
But I thought that you said that you weren't the person who put the acid in the spray tanner.
Well, I didn't, but she thinks I did.
So here's the plan We're gonna go to her house, I'm gonna fake apologize, you'll record it, we'll post it online, and it'll all be fine.
- Wait, we're gonna what? - Let's go.
(crying): Like, after Roger and Dodger, like, - I've suffered so much loss in my life.
- Oh, Jesus.
Let's go.
Why do you think the Devil let me live? WES: I don't know.
But I still think we should call the police.
What will that do? I mean, all Denise is gonna do is arrest Zayday again.
(sighs) Um (clears throat) You guys didn't, um What? (whistles) No.
Dad.
No.
- Didn't.
- Okay, I had to ask.
I was going to, though, - and it felt right and - That's nice.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
I mean, can you imagine if I had? I mean, what is so wrong with me, Dad, that I totally misread him? I think you saw what you wanted to see.
And from the sounds of it, you know, at least he was coming from a-a loving and-and positive place.
You can't kill people from a loving and positive place.
Well, obviously, but I just didn't want this experience to stop you from trusting your instincts.
Pete was a good guy.
Solid, hardworking, handsome.
And, yes, I'm glad he wasn't your first.
But aside from the in-cahoots-with-killers thing, I think you made a good choice when you considered him.
Invasion of the dad bod snatchers.
Who are you? (chuckles) That's a good question.
I'm a guy who's learning to loosen the leash and trust his daughter.
And if all of this has taught me anything, it's that I can't protect you from the world.
And that you're pretty bad-ass when it comes to taking care of yourself.
Well what I've learned is that I still need my dad.
Especially if I want to catch the killer.
Boone and Pete are dead, so there's only one left.
The girl in the bathtub.
Pete said it's one of my sisters, - which means we narrowed it down to five.
- Mm-hmm.
And, well, there's only one way to figure out which one of them it is.
Lie detectors.
- No, Dad - Waterboarding.
- That's illegal.
- If it's good enough for the CIA, it's good enough for me.
(laughing): Dad Okay, I have a better idea.
Why don't we lock ourselves in here, and then we just wait for the killer to kill the other four Okay, Dad I need to get as much information on all of them as possible.
Okay.
Um, how do we do that? Dad get ready to make the most important playlist of your life.
We're gonna need you to take one for the team.
("Crazy on You" by Heart playing) Hey, Teach.
(scoffs) What's going on? Well, I decided to stop denying what you and I both knew the minute we laid eyes on each other.
We may still have time And once I did, something inside of me, I don't know, it just just clicked.
And I guess I just wanted to get a little crazy.
(scoffs) So you just decided to break into my house in the middle of the day? I know.
I've been a very bad boy.
Maybe I should get sent to the dean.
Well I'm sure that that can be arranged.
Crazy on you (yells) Okay.
I'm just trying to figure out what your angle is.
What are you trying to get out of this? Oh, I'm just trying to get You know what I'm trying to get? can go crazy on you.
("Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette playing) Yeah, you feel that? Listen to you heart Ow! When he's calling for you - (Munsch moaning) - Listen to your heart - Yes.
- There's nothing else - You can do - Oh! (Panting) - I don't know where you're going - MUNSCH: Turn out the lights! WES: I'm not turning these lights off.
- Mmm! - I don't want to miss a thing.
- Before - (grunts) MAN: I'm sorry, who are you? CHANEL: I'm Chanel Oberlin.
These are my minions.
We're here to see Melanie Dorkus.
But Ms.
Dorkus does not allow visitors.
Due to the nature of her deformities, she has remained in solitude since her release from the hospital.
I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake.
I spoke with Melanie this morning, and she sounded very excited to see us.
What's that smell? MAN: Those are the hounds.
- (dogs barking, growling) - Apart from myself, Ms.
Dorkus' only companions are the large, angry mastiffs that patrol the corridors.
(growling) If you'll wait in here, I'll let Ms.
Dorkus know you're here.
(dog barking in distance) (gasps, groans, gasps) - God.
- Ew.
(barking continues in distance) Where is Number Six? She said that she'd meet us here.
That's weird.
She said she was coming.
(inhales sharply) (sniffs) What exactly are we looking for? We need to see files on all the Chanels.
See if there's anything in there that eliminates them as suspects.
How do you know I'm not the killer? I just know.
- How do you know I'm not? - Just know, too.
Okay, first, we need to check all of their transcripts, see if any of them have taken any suspicious courses.
Okay, like this, see? She took an engineering course and a course on domestic terrorism, so she may have learned how to make the Mr.
Pizza Guy bomb.
(banging and thudding; Wes and Munsch moaning loudly) (Munsch screaming, Wes moaning) Okay, we just need to pretend like we can't hear anything.
Look, it said she failed gross anatomy because she couldn't dissect a pig.
No way she could chainsaw a guy's arms off if she can't cut open a dead pig.
(chain saw buzzing) Wait.
She also took a class in sewing.
ZAYDAY: There's a college course on sewing? Do you remember in the Red Devil's lair, there was all that stuff to make the costumes? Oh, my God.
And another on human anatomy, which she would need to cut Gigi's head off.
(women screaming) Take a look at the rest of the file.
See if there's anything about the family.
You mean like the fact that her Social Security number is 123-45-6789? And her home address is Sesame Street? Look at her high school transcript.
It said she graduated from Sweet Valley High? This whole file is made up.
So that's her.
She's the baby in the bathtub.
The last Red Devil Killer.
Where are the Chanels right now? (phone chimes) (gasps) I have to go right now.
What? Somebody just swiped right on me on Tinder.
Chanel, this has never happened.
Ms.
Dorkus will see you now.
I called the company because I thought the app was broken.
I have to go meet this guy.
You should go.
Hmm.
Chanel.
Any guy swiping right on you is a miracle.
So, go.
Go meet this blind man.
And when I'm done apologizing to Melanie, I'm gonna call Pope Francis because we now have proof of God's existence in this universe.
(grunts) How am I supposed to live without you You want a drag? No, I'm good.
And how am I supposed to carry on Um, so I don't I don't exactly know how to say this.
Mm.
Let me say it for you.
"Dean Munsch, I really respect you, but I only did this "to find out some piece of information about the murders, and now I don't think we should take it any further.
" That's not what I was gonna say.
(laughs) Cathy that was the best sex of my life.
I'm not joking.
(chuckles): Well Uh (clears throat) Seeing as you remained celibate for the full 18 years, and then decided to re-pop your cherry with the most mentally ill woman on campus, I'm gonna take that with a grain of salt.
I think you're just relieved to find out that intercourse doesn't have to be followed by hours and hours of crying and a weird purchase of an engagement ring.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Hold on.
Cathy, I'm serious.
Look, I never knew sex could be like that.
At first, I was like I was like, "Wow, she's being really loud.
Are the neighbors gonna call the police?" And then I was like, "Wow, now I'm being really loud.
"Why am I screaming so much? They're definitely gonna call the police.
" And then I was just stunned at how flexible you are.
I mean, I thought you had to be a gymnast to get both feet behind your head.
Do you intend to come to a point? Yeah.
Sorry.
Look, um when we first met, you came on really strong, and I-I was a little turned off, I have to admit.
But then I was like, "Damn, girl.
"I mean, this-this this chick this chick must really be onto something.
" I mean, if that's the way that our bodies talk to one another That is a gross way to put it.
I just think that maybe you and I were meant to be together after all.
(chuckles) I'm serious.
I'm serious, Cathy.
Listen to me.
I like you.
Like like like you.
And, you know, if you are, uh if you're down, girl, to see if this relationship has legs 'Cause I know I know you got legs, all right, you know.
I mean, if you're down, I'm I'm all for it.
I'm-I'm down.
Now that I've been loving you so long How am I supposed to live without you (Wes moans) - There's just one thing.
- Oh, shoot.
- Your daughter.
- Uh-huh.
She's gonna have to go.
- What? - I'm just being honest.
I find her unbearably annoying, and the minute she gets wind of this, she is gonna be whispering in your ear how I am no good for you.
So if you want this to happen, we're just gonna have to find a way to give ourselves a little space, figure out a way to make Gracie go bye-bye for a little while.
Now I am gonna go freshen up and then come back for round deux.
(TVs playing quietly) Get your phone out, Number Three.
You're recording this.
Melanie? Hi! It's Chanel Oberlin.
MELANIE: I know.
I recognized the Island Splash scent of that douche you use.
(gasps) Oh, my God, she looks like Jason Voorhees.
No.
Jason was deformed since, like, birth.
She looks like Freddy Krueger.
No.
Jason Voorhees.
He's all disfigured from that toxic waste that got splashed in his face.
What movie are you even referring to? Jason Goes to Hell.
That's the only Friday the I'm right here.
Hi.
I am so sorry.
Melanie, you remember Chanel #3, and how she's a total div.
I'm sorry I haven't come by sooner.
I didn't realize you were in town.
I heard you were living in Alaska, where it's night for half the year.
I was, but my parents say living alone in an arctic compound wasn't healthy, so, six weeks ago, they moved me here.
This is the estate that three generations of my family went insane in.
Well, you look great.
Don't patronize me.
I look like a monster.
Toxic Avenger.
That's who I was thinking of.
Well, have you thought of a little plastic surgery? I've had nine surgeries already, you evil bitch! You did this to me! Now, Melanie, wait a minute.
(whispers): Start recording.
(phone beeps) Melanie (sighs) There's something I want to say to you.
And I think it's gonna be hard for both of us.
Ms.
Dorkus has visitors! You can't go in there! Melanie, I just want to say (sighs) that I hope you rot in hell, bitch! (Melanie gasps, Chanel yells) What are you doing? I thought you came here to apologize.
Never! I apologize for nothing.
- Melanie Dorkus is the killer! - (Melanie screams) - What?! - Oh, don't look so surprised, Mask.
All evidence points to you.
You heard what Number Six said.
She saw someone walking around campus, in a veil, muttering, "Dork, Dork, Dork!" - Dork as in Dorkus! - (screams) So she suddenly can't remember her own last name? I called my travel agent, who called Alaska Charters LLC, who confirmed that you, Melanie Dorkus, took a seaplane back to campus one week before the killings started.
So? So, you're obviously the killer! You came back from your weird arctic compound to get revenge on Kappa House because you're hideous and think that I put acid in your spray tanner when I didn't! (grunts) I don't know what you're talking about! - I didn't kill anybody! - Can it, Dorkus.
I know it was you.
Have fun in hell, bitch.
And FYI, this is probably gonna hurt a lot.
(gasps) Wait! Chanel! Stop! Stop, stop, stop! She's not the killer.
What are you talking about? Of course she is! No, she's not.
I swear.
We have proof.
It's Hester.
Hester is the Red Devil.
(chuckles) So sorry.
(whispers): Stop recording! I knew that bitch was a nut burger the minute I met her.
It's like, who wears a neck brace like that in 2015? You know, who are you? Forrest Gump? That's why you gave her a makeover and made her one of your minions? CHANEL: Have you not noticed the Chanels operate in a world that is outside the laws of man? She has to show back up here eventually.
We need to devise a trap.
But remember, she's armed and dangerous.
(woman screams in distance) (Chanel #6 screams) (gasping) Did you hear that? I think it came from Chanel's closet.
Number Five, what are you doing here?! Oh, please tell me you did not bring your insane and obviously blind Tinder hookup back here.
I mean, the last thing I need to see right now is a guy running out of your room with his index finger bitten off.
You know, 'cause your vagina has teeth.
No.
It was a fake, and I should have known, because his Tinder profile picture is the guy from Nickelback cut out of a magazine.
You're saying you would have been okay if it was the guy from Nickelback? He's, like, 60.
And Canadian.
I lost my virginity to a Nickelback song.
GRACE: Okay, can we please stop talking about Chanel #5's dating life and see who's screaming? Come on.
(whimpering) (women gasping) GRACE: Oh, my God.
CHANEL #3: Is she dead? This is so horrible! I know.
That was such a fabulous pair of shoes.
I can't feel a pulse.
GRACE: This doesn't make any sense.
Hester is the killer.
Pete's dead, Boone's dead.
Who could have done this to her? (Hester gasps sharply, women gasp) (panting) (gasping) Red Devil! (whimpering) (gasps)