Sean Saves The World (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sean Comes Clean

- Sean, a word in your office? - Does it have to be right Now, now, now, now, now! Sounds like now would be good.
I'm gonna do it now.
Save me.
- From? - Remember that guy Bill? - With the arms? - Yeah.
Well, we finally slept together last night, but it turns out he has a wife.
Oh, no, when did you find that out? Just now when she chased me through the parking lot screaming, "you screwed my husband!" And then she followed me up the stairs and is headed this way, which brings me back to save me! I can see you! You're hiding behind glass.
She makes a good point.
Okay, follow my lead.
- What are you gonna do? - Uh You little slut! Does our marriage mean nothing to you? Ten years we've been together and she cheats like this.
I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the kids.
No, they mean everything to me! Yeah, well, you should've thought about that before you went cattin' around.
And I'm telling your parole officer you're back on the pipe! Oh, no, baby, I can't go back to jail again.
You're pathetic.
You deserve everything that's coming to you.
She's gonna get it.
Yes, thank you.
The girl will validate your parking.
You have been saved.
Oh, thank you, Sean.
- That was so macho.
- Damn straight.
Hey, you wanna grab some pudding and a juice box? Yes, please.
[Applause] Folks, folks, folks, I'm not a hero.
I'm just doing what I was trained to do.
I can't believe Bill was married.
Why is dating so hard? Because the human mating ritual is a dance of shame and lady awkward calls the tune.
Except in the gay mating ritual it's Lady Gaga.
What's wrong, Max? Did you have a bad date too? I have been on a bit of a cold streak.
I must say I envy the simplicity of the animal kingdom.
The male giraffe need only drink a mouthful of the female's urine to know if he's going to get busy tonight.
If a date's gone that far, he'd better get busy.
Hunter, you do well with the ladies.
You know, it's been said that I have game.
I'm the one who said it, but still.
I need game.
Game, yes.
Not wild game.
I've got a freezer full of that.
Tell you what.
I will bring you some moose chops.
In exchange, you will go barhopping with me as my wing man.
None of that sounds good.
So it's settled.
You will help me meet a woman.
In return I will give you no moose chops.
Mmm.
Good pudding, huh? Uh-huh.
I wish I could find a nice guy who was good to me.
You're all-in on this gay thing, right? Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's like a timeshare.
They have me for another ten years.
Hey.
You're an amazing girl.
And one day you're gonna meet an amazing guy who appreciates you.
Aw.
You're so good at getting me through guy stuff.
Well, you know what they say.
Takes 10,000 hours to get great at something.
Wow.
That makes me sound like quite the burden.
Oh, happy to do it.
Mm, still not sitting right.
Come on, stop it.
You've helped me get through plenty of rough breakups.
Like when? Um, like, um Like, uh How do they make this pudding so good with no fat? It's crazy.
Oh, my God, you think our relationship is completely one-sided.
And you're right.
You're always helping me and I'm never helping you.
Please.
Just eat your pudding.
I'm like an emotional Vampire.
Liz-Feratu.
Liz the Impaler.
- The Vampire Lizstat.
- Better! Stop helping me! Hey, man.
I got a Liz problem.
She doesn't think she helps me enough.
I got a Max problem.
He wants me to get him laid.
[Laughs] Yours is worse.
So to help Liz feel like she's a better friend, when she gets here, I'm gonna pretend like I had my heart broken so she can comfort me.
[Scoffs] You're always helping everyone.
What's wrong with you? This message brought to you by people for a more selfish Earth.
You can't fix everyone's problems.
When your father was little, he took in every bird with a broken wing.
That's sweet.
Not when you come home from work and sit on a bird.
Anyway, I'm gonna tell Liz I asked out this really hot guy at the coffee shop, Cody, but he turned me down.
He's so hot.
Are you going on a date with him? No.
Pay attention, texty.
That's a ridiculous plan.
I know it sounds a little elaborate.
Cody is far too good-looking.
Okay, um, first, ow.
Second, who cares? It's all made up.
And third you don't want me to help Liz anyway, so why are you even involved? Well, first, you're far too sensitive.
I don't remember second.
And third, if you're gonna lie you have to base it in reality.
Like if I said to you James Franco won't return my calls, you wouldn't say, "oh, that's sad".
You'd think I was a wackadoo.
I think Dad could get with Cody.
Well, you're sweet, dear, but I'm gonna find him somebody better.
Stay out of it.
Go call James Franco.
[Doorbell rings] You, upstairs.
I don't want you to see what I look like when I'm lying.
I know what you look like when you're lying.
I've seen your wedding album.
Hey.
Here's the lookbook you wanted.
Thanks.
Thanks for coming by.
The worst thing happened.
Oh, no, is it your Mother? Oh.
Hi, Lorna.
I'm never dying.
I really need to talk to you.
So there's this guy I see, like, every day.
And I thought we had a thing going, so tonight on my way home I asked him out, and Oh, Liz, he shot me down.
Oh, Sweetie, who is he? - His name is - Mr.
Kim.
Who? Mr.
Kim.
Very friendly dry cleaner down the street.
Really? You have a crush on your dry cleaner? Sure.
He may be short and peculiar, but to me he's as steamy as his press.
- Oh, Sean, come here.
- Oh Thank you for helping me.
You're such a good friend.
I'm gonna get us some wine.
Dry cleaner? What? He's gay.
He owns his own business.
You could do worse.
So, tell me everything about Mr.
Kim.
Well, his last name is Kim.
He's got a plant on the premises, so that's sexy.
So, I went to Mr.
Kim's dry cleaning store this morning.
No, don't have done that.
Oh, I did more than that.
No, don't have done more than that.
I told him what a great guy you are, and there must have been some kind of misunderstanding because Ta-dah! Oh, God.
Well, nobody can say you have a type.
Come on in, Mr.
Kim.
Your friend says you're hot for me.
Can this miracle be true? I'm asking myself the same thing.
Tell him what you told me.
Oh, you're my favorite customer.
If all my customers die, I wouldn't even care.
Very good.
I want you to have dinner with me.
Wow.
It's like this is happening to someone else and I'm just watching.
Yay, I'm helping again! Yay, I get to go on a date with my dry cleaner.
Yay.
All right.
Mr.
Kim and I are just gonna grab a quick meal.
There's some lasagne in the fridge.
Go.
Have a good time.
Have you not been following this? I'm going on a date with my dry cleaner.
I'm hoping when I show up he'll tell me he won't be ready till Thursday.
Don't blame me.
Liz is the one who set you up.
Because you told her I was pining for Mr.
Kim.
If you'd just let me stick with Cody, Liz would've fixed me up with him and you'd be helping me get into my skinny jeans right now.
Oh, please.
Cody.
If my bedposts were made of candy canes I'd be a Princess.
Thanks for the pep talk.
Maybe next week you can set me up with the 90-year-old guy who plays the clarinet in front of the pharmacy.
All right, bye, sweetheart.
Finish your homework.
Have fun tonight.
Is no one paying attention? I think you're being tough on Dad.
Why shouldn't he go out with Cody? Don't you think people should follow their hearts? Of course.
But it doesn't hurt to run things past your brain.
For instance, there's a very attractive gentleman I bump into once in a while in the elevator.
Ooh, I know the one.
Tan, silver hair.
Looks like a doctor in an allergy commercial.
My point is I've never seen him with a woman who isn't 20 years younger than me, so why set myself up when I have as much chance with him as your father does getting into those skinny jeans? Yeah.
That is a three-man operation.
But so what if the elevator hottie likes younger women? You never know what's gonna happen.
You should go for it.
Look at you, sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.
You get that from me.
There was bubblegum all over the veil and the wedding was in two hours.
Do you know what happened? It came out really easily.
[Laughs] [Laughing] What a great story.
I got a million of those.
Oh, can I get a million of these? Do you want to know a secret? Oh, we don't have to tell each other secrets.
One time you came in and smile real nice.
I took your dirty shirt home and wore it all weekend.
Wow.
Which shirt was that? Think.
It's important.
Ah, Sean.
Max.
What are you doing here? Do you want to join us? Please join us.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm meeting Hunter who is going to tutor me in the gentlemanly art of the poon hunt.
Oh, my goodness, where are my manners? You must be Sean's homosexual consort.
This is my boss Max.
Max, this is Mr.
Kim.
Who also has a first name, which is Tim.
Tim Kim.
That's fun.
I need to have an important work discussion with Max at the bar.
Don't be long.
I won't wait forever.
Okay.
I'm kidding.
I'll wait forever.
Well, Tim Kim seems a bit out of your league.
Hey, Sean.
I saw you over there but I didn't want to interrupt.
So is that your date or are you in some kind of big brother program? The guy's killing me.
I gotta come up with an excuse and end this.
Diarrhea, baby.
I'm sorry? It's the perfect excuse.
Anything about it gets you a pass home.
- I have it, I stepped in it - I collect it.
I don't, I was just proving your point.
That's disgusting.
I would never say that.
Oh, thank God.
Our dinner's here.
All right, I'm just gonna wolf it down and be outta here in 20 minutes.
I made it through an entire baseball game once.
I can do this.
Oh, my goodness.
That woman in the green dress is bewitching.
Oh, yeah, she is.
Go and talk to her, Stud.
Mm.
That's me.
Stud.
But I'm a nervous Stud.
You might find this surprising, but sometimes I'm not great at casual conversation.
Look, just ask her some questions about herself until you find a common interest, Stud.
Mm.
I'm a curious Stud.
Check.
Hello.
Do you like fencing? Not really.
River fishing? Cartography? French cinema? Top cat? Raisins? Throwing stars? Storm chasing? I sent back my lamb and ordered Risotto.
It's gonna take another 40 minutes.
I have diarrhea.
Marionettes? I may need more help.
You have to relax, okay? Just keep it simple.
Something like, "hey, girl, let me buy you a drink and you can tell me where all that pretty came from".
Mm.
Simple.
I'm a simple Stud.
Hey, girl.
How about I buy you a drink, tell me where Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no! It was wrong! It was wrong from the jump! Okay, this is me.
You didn't have to walk me home.
Oh, I'm happy to do it.
I just wanted to make sure you got here safe.
There are so many crazies out there.
Everywhere I look.
Anyway, I had a terrific time.
Good night.
You.
Did you have a good time? Are you out of your mind? Thanks to you I now need a new dry cleaner and I'll never see my favorite pair of chinos again.
You're so grumpy.
I don't know why I come over.
Yeah, we should probably figure that out.
[Elevator dings] Okay, this is just to prove something to my granddaughter.
You go for much younger women, right? You do.
But if you're free this weekend, although I'm sure you're not, maybe you'd like to go to dinner? You wouldn't.
Right? Right.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
So, Miley Cyrus, hmm? That's a mess.
If we were to go out, would I ever get to say anything? If you're interesting enough.
Hey, Max.
I'm sorry it didn't work out last night.
Oh, Hunter, please.
It was not your fault.
I'm not on a cold streak.
Truth be told I have never been great with the ladies.
But I appreciate you rushing me out like the President.
That was fun.
Maybe the problem was that you were trying to copy my game.
You need to find your own game.
When you do that, you'll meet the right woman.
Mm.
My own game.
Yes.
That's a lovely notion.
Or I just wait until the Japanese perfect a robot I can hump.
Hey.
How'd your date go? Gimme the dish, bitch.
Well, you know how you romanticize your dry cleaner? No? Maybe that's just me.
Okay, anyway.
Yeah, Mr.
Kim and I we didn't click.
Really? After pining away for him like that you're just gonna blow him off? No, it was mutual.
Then why'd he send you flowers? Flowers? Damn this guy.
He doesn't give up.
It's like I'm being stalked by a miniature, gay Terminator.
I don't understand.
I thought you were into him.
Okay, uh, don't be mad, but I made the whole thing up.
What? Well, you were so down on yourself for not helping me.
And then the whole thing got out of control.
Mr.
Kim's probably in the park right now doing cartwheels in my chinos.
I don't believe this.
You lied to me? I just did it to make you feel better.
Well guess what, I don't.
Well, you would've if you never found out.
Hey, Sean, your super tiny boyfriend's here.
[Spraying breath spray] God, he is persistent.
He literally will chase me to the ends of the Earth.
But an Olive Oil stain? That he gives up on.
Hey, Sean, I'm just following up on the flowers.
Did you get them? Did you read the card? Do you want a nooner? Um Look, I can't lie anymore.
I only like you as a friend.
And if I'm being honest, only as a dry cleaner.
And to be even more honest, you're not crushing that either.
I get it.
You're scared.
You are not wrong there, Tim Kim.
Let me hold you.
We'll be scared together.
Oh, God.
- Sean needs help.
Come on.
- What are we gonna do? Follow my lead.
Sean, stop flirting.
Your husband's here.
Husband? Husband, my husband, I'm so sorry.
This man means nothing to me.
I forgive you.
No, you don't! I know you, and you get super jealous.
- I do? - You do.
Sean, you slut! How many necks do I have to wring before you Stop straying from his loving arms? That.
Sean is mine.
You don't deserve him.
I don't deserve any of this.
Okay, don't lose your temper, baby.
No, no, no, you feel what you need to feel.
[Roars] I am a mad gay man! Okay, I don't want any trouble here.
Okay? Sean, I'm very disappointed you led me on this way.
And now I'm sorry I slept in your suit! You remember which suit it was? I have some shopping to do.
Nice job, Hunter.
- Nice work, honey.
- For the record I did not enjoy our marriage.
Oh, my God, Liz, thank you so much.
I did it! You have been saved by me! Look, look, look, sometimes it may seem like I do more stuff for you because, well I do.
But when I was in the closet, who opened the door, handed me a Mojito and danced me out? That's true.
I did that.
So every time you're getting it on with a dude, think of me.
You are the best friend a guy could ask for.
But I will not be doing that.
Want to get a juice box and a pudding? Aw.
You're the only pudding I need.
Besides actual pudding.
It's one of the most prestigious online retail companies in the country.
I love Pemberton road.
I shop on that site all the time.
Well, you know, I pretty much keep it on the rails.
Without me it'd just be a bunch of crazy white people running around playing pretend.
[Both laugh] - Is this man bothering you? - What? He's here every night preying on the female patrons, some of whom are never seen again.
Really? I Seriously, what is happening right now? Here's what's happening, Jack.
You're going to get out of here right now, or you'll be tangling with my friends Starsky and Hutch! Sorry to be so strong and decisive and protective.
No, I appreciate it, thank you.
You, Sir, I will escort you to the door.
B.
R.
B.
Great news.
I found my game.
Why does everybody keep including me in their little plays? I don't know what that means, but tonight I'm getting laid like a Japanese robot.
Well done.
So Grandma told me she's seeing a guy on the second floor thanks to you.
Yeah.
I helped her get on that.
That's both touching and appalling.
Ellie, I brought you some goodies from the coffee shop as a thank you, but I wasn't strong enough to carry them so I got some help from the fabulous Barista Cody.
Cody.
Hi.
Please, move in I mean, come in.
Hey.
Large skim latte, three pumps, right? [Giggles] Three pumps.
Classy.
So can I make you a coffee? That'd be a change in our relationship.
[Laughs] Not that we're having a relationship.
Shut up, Sean.
- Actually, I have to get back.
- Oh, yes, of course.
But my shift's over at 8:00 if you want to come by.
8:00.
Bingo.
See you then.
Buh-bye.
Oops.
My house.
Sorry.
And the muffins.
Skinny jeans! All hands on deck!