Sean Saves The World (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Wrath of Sean

1 Morning, honey.
You do your algebra homework? No.
I've just decided I'm gonna skate by on my looks.
It's 7:30 in the morning.
Can you just say "yes"? Good morning, everyone.
Oh, Ellie, my darling, small miracle.
I love you so much.
Sean, my sweet boy, you make me happy every day of my life.
And for that, I thank you.
You're being very pleasant What's in the bottle? For your information, I've been on a cleanse, and I am feeling fantastic.
What's a cleanse? It's this crazy weight-loss gimmick where you survive on nothing but sugar water, until you poop out a python.
Well, it's honey water, so that shows how much you know.
Plus, there's a very sensible meal, in the evening, of boiled kale.
And then more honey water.
Mom, why are you dieting? We love you just the way you are on the outside.
If other grandmas are teasing you about your body, they are not your friends.
My college reunion is coming up.
My a cappella group is going to perform.
And I wanna be able to get into that cute little vest we used to wear.
If this diet kills you, I'm opening with this story at your funeral.
Betty sent me a picture of herself in the vest as if to say she's perfect and I'm fat, and that's why she sings all the solos.
She's my oldest friend and, God, I hate her.
Define "friend.
" Grandma, as your body gets older, there are a lot of exciting changes that happen.
You're adorable.
And that's enough of that.
I have a delivery for Sean Harrison.
That's fun! Here's a couple of bucks and a coffee card.
Two more punches and you can get a free latte.
Actually, you know what? I'm gonna keep that.
Who's it from? "Hope we can let bygones be bygones.
" "Here's to new beginnings.
Best" - "Roger.
" - Roger? That Roger? - Who's Roger? - He's nobody.
A nobody who thinks sending a bottle of scotch will make bygones be bygones.
Yeah, well, guess again, slick.
You know that's a $200 bottle of scotch, right? Obviously.
I did not know that.
Fine, you know what? I'll just finish emptying the bottle later.
Into my tummy.
Season 1, Episode 12 "The Wrath of Sean" Who does Roger think he is, breezing back into your life, acting like nothing ever happened? Yeah, who does he think he is? And also, who is he? Years ago, when I was married to Jill, Roger and I worked together at the merchandise mart.
We were pretty good friends.
And then he slept with my wife.
Damn that Roger.
Messing around with your No doubt completely sexually satisfied wife.
Look, I didn't deserve an "A" for honesty either.
At best I'd give myself a "C" for "closeted.
" Still, you don't have an affair with a gay guy's wife.
That's just how I was raised.
Great news, team.
While you were all sipping your soy lattes, and mewling about your carpal tunnel syndrome I have secured an incredible new vendor for our site - Roger Anderson.
Roger? That's why he sent that scotch.
To bribe me so I don't cause trouble.
Well, my middle name is "Trouble.
" Actually, it's "Leslie.
" But saying "My middle name is 'Leslie'" never really scared anybody.
What's Leslie mewling about? I'm talking about Roger.
The man's a liar and a cheat who screwed my wife while I was at a candle-making workshop.
Sean, I do not care about your baffling personal history.
My ancestors were savaged by the vikings, but I still shop at Ikea.
Max! Roger! - Wonderful to see you.
- Happy to be here, Max.
I've been a fan of Pemberton Road for ages.
This is Hunter and Liz.
And I believe you already know Sean.
- Long time, Sean.
- I could've gone longer.
I'm afraid Sean and I have some unpleasant history, which I take full responsibility for and deeply regret.
I mean, Yeah right.
I just hope you give me a chance to show that I've grown since we last saw each other.
I'd like to think that I've changed.
Apology 100% accepted.
Right, Sean? Or do you need some unpaid time off to think about it? - No, I'm good.
- Splendid.
We're all excited about your presentation, but why don't we go to my office and talk first, because I'm the only one who matters.
So he's "grown" and "changed".
Two more things he has in common with cancer.
Is there a universe in which Roger's apology could be considered sincere, and maybe we could give him a chance, and possibly date him? No! The man's a snake.
I'm gonna undermine his presentation and drive him off before he gets a toehold in our company and ruins it.
Like he did when he got a toehold in my wife.
Yeah, that came out weird.
And not only is the pottery beautiful, it's also sustainably produced in a village in Africa.
It's made with local river mud.
- Oh.
That's nice.
- So then you're stealing their mud.
Yeah, he's leaving these people mud-less.
Well, actually, they have a lot of mud.
In fact, the name of the village, in English, is "Too Much Mud.
" And half of the profits go to building windmills to provide that village with electricity.
Don't windmills kill a lot of birds? - Not a lot, but some.
- Oh, some.
Okay, that doesn't sound sustainable.
That sounds like bird murder.
Which is why we've enclosed the blades in cages, so that birds don't get hurt.
So now we're talking about cages and birds.
I'm sorry, I thought we were gonna be selling pottery.
I can't follow this guy.
Meeting over, right? Sean, I say this with love - Shut up, man.
Look, Roger, frankly, I don't care about the environment.
So we don't have winter anymore.
But I've read about your merger with retail giant Free Eagle, and I'm wondering what that could mean to our company.
My merger with with Free Eagle will give you instant access to millions of upscale customers.
Or as the African craftsmen would say in their language - "One mud, many dreams.
" Blah, blah, blah.
"I know about Africa.
" - Sean, a word in your office.
- Whatever.
Max, I know you think I'm acting crazy.
But you gotta listen to me.
This guy's no good, and we shouldn't be in business with him.
No, no, I understand.
You make a lot of sense.
Thank you.
So, basically, your boss gave you a time-out? No.
Okay, yes.
But it was a good thing.
Because it allowed me the quiet I needed to come up with an even better plan to expose Roger.
I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm dying.
Mom, I gotta crazy idea.
Why don't you eat something? Never.
My reunion is tonight, and I still can't get into that vest without shooting a button across the room.
You need to stop competing with Betty and eat a sandwich.
Thank you, middle school.
That doesn't bother me, because I have normal blood sugar.
And you need to get over Roger.
What'd he do to you anyway? Well, um See, a long time ago, I had this car.
Which, in fairness, I didn't drive that often.
It wasn't my thing.
But, still, Roger did borrow it without asking, and, you know, banged it up.
- He banged the hell out of it.
- Mom, we get it.
But why are you still so mad at him if you never drove the car anyway? Because it was my car.
Would I have preferred to drive a sporty little stick? Sure.
But I didn't.
And he should have gotten his own damn car.
Are you really talking about a car? No.
Are you gonna tell me what you're really talking about? No.
Then good-bye.
That'll be Liz and Hunter.
I had them go out with Roger last night to get some dirt on him that I can use.
Hey, guys.
So what'd you find out about Roger? Well He's a good kisser.
What? No! You can't be kissing him! I'm sorry, Sean.
I had a few drinks, and he's just so nice.
And he was so sexy when he was jamming with Hunter's band.
What? No! You can't be jamming with him! Turns out he plays the mandolin.
Or, should I say, God plays the mandolin through him? Sorry he's so awesome, Sean.
But we brought you muffins.
I don't want your stupid muffins.
Go on, go, get out, go.
Be gone, go! Why does everybody like this guy so much? Maybe because he's not as bad as you think he is.
- He slept with my wife.
- Well, somebody had to.
All I'm saying is maybe the real reason you're so mad at him is because you feel guilty for not being honest with Jill all those years.
Ah, maybe you're right.
I guess it would feel good to put this whole thing behind me.
Speaking of letting things go from the past - Want a muffin? - No! I wanna look cute like Betty.
She got to sing all the solos.
I wanna sing a solo.
What kind is it? - Banana nut.
- Oh, my God, give me that.
I don't know why it's so hard to let go of things.
Sometimes it's just easier to play the muffin.
"The victim," mom.
"Play the victim.
" How hungry are you? Last night I had a conversation with my grandmother.
Hi, Roger.
Listen, what happened with you and Jill I know, you're angry.
And if it makes you feel any better, I've decided you can take a swing at me.
But just so you know, I've got a crazy strong core, and you could break a finger.
I don't wanna hit you.
Although I wouldn't hurt myself, because I'd just smash your face in with that coffee can.
Actually, I also have a very strong face.
Look, I'm just here to say I'd like to put the past behind us and move forward - so we can work together.
- That means a lot to me, Sean.
And may I just say, I also made a mistake, with Jill.
Oh, I'm glad you acknowledge that.
Thank you.
Although you did make a mistake marrying her even though you were gay.
But you didn't know I was gay, so let's not call it a tie.
- Just saying we both made mistakes.
- Exactly.
Yours was worse.
- Who can say? - I can.
I'm just glad this is behind us.
Bring it in.
You do have a strong core.
Are you wearing body armor? Wearing a pillow? Just kidding.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, you beautiful man.
Sorry you had to see that, Sean, but Roger and I connected musically, and I love him.
No, that's okay.
I just made my peace with the guy.
It was kind of bumpy, but I did the mature thing and it feels so good to finally be free of all that anger, you know? You were right, Sean.
Roger's a lying bastard! Yes! Thank you! Oh! Feels so good to be right about someone! And then briefly wrong.
And then right again! So we were at lunch today, then Roger got a phone call and had to take it in the men's room, which I thought was suspicious.
So I snuck in there and perched on the toilet in the stall next to him.
Which is very hard to do in heels.
And overheard him talking to his fiancée.
- What? - Hold on.
Maybe you thought he was talking to his fiancée.
But he was actually talking to Beyoncé.
Quit trying to defend him, Hunter.
He's a liar and a scumbag.
And now he's put me in a position where I've screwed over another woman.
Hey, sustainable mud pot.
Sustain this! Well, that was less satisfying than I'd hoped.
Hang on, hang on.
There's no way that's African mud.
Also, I think I hurt my shoulder.
Roger's a fraud.
To break his "mud pot" open, I had to drive over it in my car.
We've already sold some of Roger's crap on our website.
If it's exposed to be fraudulent, it could ruin our good name.
I'm afraid he's betrayed us both, Sean.
He's defiled my business as well as your wife's lady business.
Anyway, we can't let Roger get away with this.
- No.
We have to show him our wrath.
- Yeah, take him down.
But how? Slowly poison him so he gets sicker and sicker every day and doesn't know why.
Then whisper into his papery ear, "How does betrayal feel now, old friend?" Let's go with that.
You know, Roger's meeting with Free Eagle this afternoon about that merger he's dying to make happen Oh, that's good! Their CEO Morgan Stultzman is, like, super environmental.
We could expose Roger in the middle of his meeting and then ruin his merger.
Yes! Then revenge will be ours! Maybe on the way back, we can stop and get some frozen yogurt.
Yes! Frozen yogurt will be ours! And now, let's have a round of applause for "The Middle 'C's" performing their signature song, Blame It on the Bossa Nova.
I was at a dance At a dance When he caught my eye Caught her eye Standin' all alone All Whoops! Time to lie down.
Betty, are you okay? I'm so hungry.
She's been on this crazy diet trying to get into her precious vest.
Really? That's terrible.
I'll never understand that kind of vanity.
- Should we go help her? - Yeah, sure.
Soon as I do this solo.
Prop her up, I want her to see this! Blame it on the Bossa nova Bossa nova With its magic spell With it's magic spell And the synergy between my authentic handcrafted products and Free Eagle's impressive distribution chain Stop! This man is a fraud! Uh, we're from Pemberton Road, by the way.
You must be Morgan Stultzman.
I'm a big fan of your wealth.
What the hell are you doing here? We're saving you from merging with Roger.
This man's products are garbage! We broke one of these pots open.
Hunter! Show him the pieces you brought.
I brought? I thought you brought 'em.
One second.
I didn't bring them.
Where would I have them? Hey, we don't need the pieces.
Watch this.
Ah, damn it.
That was an ancient Mayan urn.
Well, this is off to a roaring start.
You see? Not breaking.
Thank you, Sean.
You're still mad about the Mayan urn, aren't you? Little bit.
But you see that these pots are fake, right? Yes.
And I'm absolutely shocked by it all.
Utterly shocked.
- You're not shocked, are you? - No.
Here's the thing.
Roger's products sell.
And after the merger, they'll keep selling.
And he'll have all of our lawyers at his disposal, to make sure that nothing gets in the way of that.
So do you wanna break anything else, or are we done? - I think we're done.
- You are totally done.
Not so fast, Roger.
Huddle up! I also think we're done.
- Then why are we huddling? - I don't know.
I thought that maybe someone else would have an idea.
I could punch Roger.
I'd advise against that, he seems to want it.
Hunter, any ideas? Sorry, after you yelled at me, I kinda shut down and started writing a song in my head.
I suggest we run away and never speak of this again, like the time I asked out Uma Thurman at the airport.
Can't believe this.
Guys like Roger get away with everything.
I know! He gets to fool around with me and have a fiancée, and then he lies and gets the merger on top of it.
Those T-shirts are so wrong.
Life is not good.
- Sorry I'm late, dad.
- Hi, sweetie.
Hi, honey.
I was with the wedding planner.
Hello, I'm Abby, Roger's fiancée.
Roger, you're engaged to the daughter of the man whose company you're trying to merge with? Small world, huh? Anyway, nice seeing you guys.
Oh, wait! The wedding planner gave me some cake samples.
I thought it'd be fun if we all tasted them.
Not just yet.
To the huddle.
Life is good! Now we have something we can destroy Roger with.
- Me! - Yes! How's this for a song? I'm trapped in an office with my short office friends - Hello.
You sound great, buddy.
- Oh, thanks, Roger.
- Dude, this is a private huddle.
- Uh, just a thought.
You keep your mouth shut, and when the merger goes through, I'll throw a lot of business to Pemberton.
Ooh, money.
I think I like the sound of that.
Ooh, money.
Yes, I do like the sound of that.
No, Max, this is bigger than money.
- Remember, we were both betrayed? - Yes.
Revenge! No, this isn't about revenge either.
Confusion! No, this is about This is about this girl making the biggest mistake of her life! Abby, your fiancée fooled around with my friend here.
To be fair, I didn't know he was engaged.
And we only kissed.
You know what, Roger? You were right.
I did make a mistake marrying Jill.
I can't go back and change that.
But I can do the right thing now and try to keep Abby from making a mistake and marrying you.
And it would be a mistake.
Seriously, this guy's a jerk.
Don't be blinded by his amazing abs.
Who are you people? We Are Pemberton Road.
Abby, I know this is hard.
But in time you'll move on and see it as a good thing.
Come on.
Bring it in.
I'm stuck in an elevator covered in cake Told Abby the truth, which the girl couldn't take Now everybody knows that Roger's a fake 'Cause Pemberton Road won't sell a pot that won't break Elevator covered in cake, covered in cake Elevator Covered in cake, covered in cake Mine's lemon