Sean Saves The World (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Know Why the Caged Bird Zings

1 Did you order me a double cappuccino? No, because I don't want you running into my room again at 2:00 in the morning, screaming, "My heart's exploding.
" [Panting] "Where do we go when we die?" Well, I hope you at least left a funny name for the barista to call.
Oh, you'll be very proud.
[Door opens] Oh, my God.
Is that Colin? Don't look, don't look.
- I'm not looking.
- I was talking to myself.
You look.
Is it him? It is Colin.
And he totally just saw me looking.
Now what? [Sighs] Man, I haven't seen him since we broke up two years ago.
Wow, you sound exactly like my friend Heather did after Tommy kissed her.
Oh, my God.
That finally happened? Okay, wait.
I'm gonna ask you a series of questions, and I need you to answer yes to all of them.
- Do I look cute? - Yes.
- Thin? - Yes.
- Successful? - Yes.
Like someone he regrets breaking up with? Yes.
Go for it, Heather.
I'm gonna do it.
I can't.
He makes me so nervous.
He's so British And sophisticated and tall.
He's like Hugh Grant standing on Hugh Grant's shoulders.
What do I do, do I wave? Wait for him to come to me? Go over there? What did Heather do? She grew boobs over the summer.
I'm afraid I did the same thing.
Ricardo, I know you're an underwear model, but I'm not interested.
Colin, oh, my gosh.
- Sean, how are you? - I'm good.
- How are you? What have you been up to? - Oh, you know, the usual grind.
I was teaching at Oxford for a while, but I'm back at Northwestern full-time now.
And I've just finished a rather splendid little book about Tolstoy.
Wow.
A whole book about Toy Story? I loved those movies.
- No, Sean, Tol-stoy.
- Stoy.
Tolstoy.
Oh, yeah, no, I was kidding.
[Both laugh] Pretending to be an idiot.
Order up for Rear Admiral Fartworthy.
So, um, Oxford, that's exciting.
- Hey, Fartworthy, your drinks are ready.
- Yes, got it.
I got it.
I don't personally think that's funny, but it makes my daughter so very happy.
Well, you know, I've always been a great fan of your crazy sense of humor.
[Gibberish] I'm a clown! - I don't know why I just did that.
- Well, it was adorable.
You know, we should get together sometime, you know, catch up.
Gee, uh, wow.
Sean, I know I wasn't always the best boyfriend, but I'd like to think I've grown since then, and I'd love to have a chance to show you that.
You know, people can change, n'est-ce pas? You are So tall.
[Chuckles] Yes.
I'm also not a fictitious underwear model.
Okay, yes.
Let's do this.
Here is my card.
Give me a call.
I gotta go.
Um, I'm getting another phone call.
Ricardo, now it's really over.
Colin knows you don't exist.
[Upbeat music] Season 1, Episode 13 "I Know Why the Caged Bird Zings" Sean.
Ah, just the man I was lying in wait for.
Sean, I need to ask you a favor.
I need for you to watch my cockatiel, Archibald.
Sure, I'd be happy to.
Consider him watched.
[Laughs] That is exactly the kind of dry wit that he enjoys.
Archie, this is Sean.
Is there something you'd like to say to Sean? I love you, Sean.
Get a room, you two.
I'm having a bit of a problem at the hotel where I'm living, and until it's ironed out, I need to find Archie a temporary home.
The hotel's new manager, Jeff, is vehemently anti-bird.
The man is hostile, snide, and prone to needless hyperbole.
Jeff is worse than Hitler.
That's for history to decide.
The thing is, I'm not really good with pets.
But here's someone who is.
Hunter, how is your iguana doing? Oh, man.
Maurice is crushing it, as usual.
- Thanks for asking, Sean.
- Oh, don't thank me just yet.
Surprise.
I've come to take you to lunch, to that new seafood place.
Wait.
I was going to take Sean to lunch.
Oh, sorry, dear, but we have reservations.
Which is something you might have had before buying that skirt.
[Chuckles] Where'd you get that outfit? Forever 51? I wish you guys would stop fighting and just make out already.
[Phone vibrates] 'Ello, 'ello.
Ooh, I'm getting a text from Colin.
Brilliant.
Both: Colin? What does the Earl of Giants want with you? I ran into him this morning.
"Fantastic to see you, Sean.
"It made me realize how much I've missed your impish charm and dazzling smile.
" [English accent] He wishes to see me, mummy.
I do not like that man.
Twice he lured you in with his posh accent.
And then after a few months he dumped you, and then we had to pick up the pieces.
Well, at the coffee shop, he said he's changed.
And I haven't, so I still wanna sleep with him.
Just because he's handsome and British you think you're in a Jane Austen movie? I wanna be Kiera Knightley.
Liz, you always like arguing with my mom.
Help me out here.
- I can't.
She's right.
- What? See, we agree.
We never agree on anything.
What does that tell you? That the Apocalypse is nigh.
I don't like Colin.
He's smug and pretentious.
And he always judged us for watching Pretty Little Liars.
Listen to Liz.
Why don't you join us for lunch, dear? We can talk some sense into him.
I'm not having lunch with either of you.
Single and single.
What do you know? - You're single too.
- Yes.
But I have a date with Mr.
Darcy.
We're having coffee tomorrow at half-six, which I think is 6:30.
But it could be 3:00.
Hey, I'm going to Heather's tonight to study Nice, you got the ball out.
Are you gonna have coffee tonight with Colin? What's next? Are you gonna clear the sweaters off your treadmill? No, I'm too tired from blowing this thing up.
What are you watching? Oh, it's a PBS documentary on Tolstoy.
I'm learning so much.
Did you know this entire program was made possible by viewers like me? Why are you acting all smart? I thought Colin liked your sense of humor.
You're right.
That is what he likes.
Maybe I should be a little more wild and zany.
Yeah.
Good-bye, unhappy Russians.
Hello, Shahs of Sunset.
Them bitches be crazy.
Oh, crap, he's got the ball out.
I know.
He's all excited about his date.
- Isn't it cute? - No, it's not cute.
It's misguided.
I liked Colin.
He took me miniature golfing once.
Of course, all golfing to him is miniature.
Well, don't get too attached.
We're here to put a stop to it.
Guys, guys.
I'm a grown man.
Don't tell me what to do with my love life.
We have to, before he breaks your heart again.
Do you remember how bad it was last time? You grew a beard.
You looked like the guy from Into the Wild.
If you won't listen to us, let Sean's past tell Sean's present - Sean's future.
- That was very good, Elizabeth.
What are you talking about? [Crying] Colin, why? Why? - I read books.
- Honey, no, you don't.
- I read all the Harry Potter books.
- You only read the first one.
I know, but I got the gist.
Hey, turn that off.
Maybe I went a little crazy, but it's not like I'm marrying the guy.
We're just gonna have a date, and perhaps, as the Brits say, a bit of the ol' rumpty bumpty.
That's what you said last time, Sean.
And then two months later, this [Sean on video] Go away, I'll shower tomorrow! I-I have embarrassing video of you guys too.
Nip slip at the beach.
Confusion at the mall.
[Doorbell rings] I wasn't confused.
I was angry that they keep moving the Talbots.
- Hunter.
- I got a problem, Sean.
Yeah, I got a problem too.
I'm being double-teamed by two women, and not in the way you would find interesting.
Shut up, you fool.
- Is Max out there? - No, that's Archie, who, being Max's parrot, talks like him.
Specifically, how Max treats his employees at his hotel.
Damn you.
Be gone.
More towels.
It's your fault I got stuck with the bird, Sean.
- You've gotta take him.
- I can't.
- I'm getting ready to go out.
- Well, I can't keep him.
I had a date last night.
Have you ever tried to have sex while a bird who sounds like your boss keeps yelling, "Don't put that there"? Just just tell Max to take him back.
- Well, how am I supposed to do that? - I don't know.
I can't even end this conversation.
Oh, wait.
Maybe I can.
Okay, I gotta go clean up, perfume the key areas.
Plus, I got a hair growing out of my shoulder, I either need to pluck or put a bow on.
He's pulling out all the stops.
It's goin' down, Liz.
And by it, I mean one of those two fellas or maybe both of them.
I don't know how it works.
My God.
He can't get back together with Colin.
[Phone vibrates] 'Ello, 'ello.
Oh, look, he's texting Sean.
Uh, "Got here early.
Have a table.
Can't wait to see you.
" - God, what a jerk.
- Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
You text him back, pretending that it's Sean, and tell him, "I've changed my mind.
I'm not coming.
" That would be so wrong.
Oh, darling, everything I do is right, because it comes from love.
- I love him too.
- Well, get those thumbs moving.
- Done.
- Great.
Colin will leave the coffee shop.
Sean will assume that he's been stood up.
- That's it, game over.
Drink? - Yes, please.
[Phone vibrates] 'Ello, 'ello.
Oh, God, he's texting back.
He says, "What happened? Can I come over and talk about it?" - Oh, God, what do I do? - Uh, okay, type this - "No.
" That's good.
It's simple, elegant, final.
- Drink? - Yes, please.
'Ello, 'ello.
He says, "Why can't I come over?" I don't know! Oh, wait.
I know.
- "Because I'm sick.
" - No, no, no! - What's the problem with that? - 'Ello, 'ello.
- "If you're sick, I'll bring you soup.
" - That's the problem with that.
Okay, type this - "I am not sick.
" "I don't wanna see you because you broke my heart and you turned me into a crazy man.
" Winky face, just to lighten it up a little bit? No.
When you chop off a head, you don't put a funny hat on it.
'Ello, 'ello.
God, man, give it a rest.
He says, "Crazy? What do you mean crazy?" All right, type this - "Bonkers.
I lost my mind, jibbity, jibbity.
Go away.
" Oh, it autocorrected to "giblets, giblets.
" Good, that sounds even crazier.
[Door shuts] Here he comes.
Delete the texts.
Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
[Grunts] Hey, guys, I know you're against this whole Colin thing, but do I look rumpty bumptable? Oh, you look very handsome.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm so late.
- What are you doing? I'm texting Colin.
"I'll be there in ten.
" Hey, should I add an emoticon? Like, maybe dancing bananas? - Would that be too weird? - Not today.
He loves it when I'm a little nutty.
Well, then you're gonna have one great night.
[Phone vibrates] 'Ello, 'ello.
"Are you still really coming?" Four question marks.
Wow, someone can't wait to see me.
Do not be here when I get back.
Oh, trust me, you won't be able to find us.
[Knocks] - Yes? - Max, you have to take your bird back.
You having a little get-together? No, no, just a small cocktail party you're not dressed for, so please go.
Wait.
You have to take your bird [birds chattering] I gotta say, Max, this is a deeply disturbing cocktail party.
I didn't say "cocktail party.
" I said, "cockatiel party.
" And there's nothing disturbing about it.
I like birds and they like me.
You're my best friend.
[Laughs] Thank you.
But we're trying to talk, so all of you, silence.
Silence! Ah, that's never funny, Chester.
I'm kidding.
That's always funny.
[Giggles] So how's life, Max? 'Cause I gotta say, as a non-bird person walking into a room full of birds, I feel a huge wave of sadness.
Look.
My problem is the hotel manager, Jeff, he wants me to either move out or get rid of the birds.
I'm trying to get him fired by making the case that he's crazy, which has been an uphill battle, because I'm the one with all the birds.
So you're aware of how this looks.
- That's a good sign.
- Look.
Until I get it sorted out, I just need to find them temporary homes.
But I've only been able to unload Archie, Pierre, Regis, and Mr.
Cranky.
And honestly, I'm expecting Mr.
Cranky back any day.
Well, I can't keep Archie because that dude is too mean.
Mean? Did you wear the color red around him? Yeah.
Why? [Scoffs] Well, the fools who do room service here all wear red vests, so when the birds see that color, they lash out in emulation of me, their God.
[Knock at door] [Sighs] When you're trying to prove that you're not crazy, you might want to leave out the part about being a "bird God.
" Jeff.
Jeff's giant.
Mr.
Thompson, I have spoken to our lawyers, and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave tonight.
You have taken no steps to correct this situation.
Wrong some more, Jeff.
I have taken steps.
Behold, this man Is a rare parrot dealer.
Rare parrot dealer? You see, he's even adopted their habit of repeating things.
And he's made a generous offer to buy them.
Buy them? It's sad, but at least he's found a business where he can thrive.
Now then, don't just stand there, you two.
Help him get the birds down to his car.
- All of them? - All of them.
- All of them? - We get it, you like parrots.
- Colin.
- Sean.
Yes, um, is everything all right? It's great.
Um, I didn't have time to stop for flowers.
But somebody handed me a flyer, so I made you a hat.
[Chuckles] - Oh.
Wonderful.
- Yeah.
Look how tiny it is.
- Marvelous.
- Mmhmm.
- Aren't you going to put it on? - Would that make you happy? [Laughs] I'm just kidding.
Don't put it on.
No, put it on.
No, don't put it on.
Here, I'll put it on.
Boop.
[Laughs] Sean, um, I got your texts.
Bananas, right? - Very much so.
- I know.
That's me.
[Gibberish] [Both chuckle] - Sorry, I'm nervous.
- Yes, as am I.
Um, Sean, I'm sorry if I hurt you when we broke up.
Thank you, Colin.
I appreciate that.
It wasn't easy.
But it's behind us now.
And we're having a good time, right? I know I am.
[Laughs] Sean, you're being rather inscrutable this evening.
Oh, I hope I'm a little scrutable.
Maybe you're just not trying hard enough to "scrute" me.
Yes.
[Chuckles] - I see what you did there.
- Yeah.
[Both chuckle] Hey, they don't serve wine here, but my apartment has tons of it.
And there's a guy there named Sean who serves it, and another guy named Sean who drinks it.
- So there's many Seans? - Uh-huh.
And we're all a little crazy.
[Chuckles] Yes.
Giblets, giblets.
Ah, Tolstoy.
Um, so shall we repair to my place? Well, I think it would be remiss of me not to make sure you get home safely tonight.
Ha.
Oh, Mr.
Darcy, quite a gentleman.
All right, then, well, good night.
What? You don't wanna come in? Is something wrong? Sean, I have to say, you've been sending me rather mixed messages this evening.
I mean, first those texts, saying you'd gone mad and you never wanted to see me again.
What are you talking about? I never said that.
Well, yes, you did.
They're all here, on my phone.
Oh, my God.
My mom and Liz must have sent these when I was upstairs.
Wow, you probably thought I was nuts.
No Actually, yes.
And the hat did not help.
I was I was just being fun.
You said you liked that about me.
I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that.
Oh, you and me both.
So, why don't you just come in, and I'll show you how not crazy I am.
[Birds chirping] Oh, dear.
Well, thank you for a lovely evening.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't know why all these birds are here.
This is your apartment? Yes, but they're not mine.
I've never seen them before.
I love you, Sean.
Okay, this one I've met.
Oh, Sean, I had no idea that my leaving you would drive you mad with loneliness.
Oh, I-I'm not mad.
I'm not lonely.
I have a very full life.
You're my best friend.
Shut your beak! Okay, okay, I know what happened.
Apparently, my boss has more than one bird.
- My friend Hunter took them.
- I believe you, Sean.
Your hunter friend, the woodsman, snared all of them.
Then they all got together and sent me all of those texts.
- Good night, Sean.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, okay, let's try this.
Could I possibly convince you that these aren't my birds - and I didn't send those texts? - Mm, no.
And your attempts to do so are, frankly, terrifying me.
Okay, then, is there a scenario where these are my birds and I did send those texts but we could still fool around? The very question I've been grappling with since I got here this evening.
Okay, all right.
Well, then let's sit down, you know, take our coats off, relax, and see where this goes.
All right.
You don't think the birds will be jealous? Oh, now that would be crazy.
- Begone, fool.
- I hate you! - Go! - Beat it! - Disgust me.
- Epic fail.
- Beat it.
- Disgust me.
So should I put on some music? I don't know about this.
Sean's gonna be so mad.
We have to apologize.
If we wait for him to hunt us down, it'll be worse.
You're right.
I hope the pie helps.
Oh, who knows? Maybe it worked out with Colin and everything'll be fine.
Get some help, you bloody lunatic! And never contact me again! Maybe we should give him a little time.
Yeah, let's go eat this in the stairwell.
[Knock at door] Max, what are you doing here? It's 2:00 A.
M.
Great news.
I can take the entire flock back tomorrow.
I got a note from my doctor saying I need the birds for medical reasons, so the hotel has to let me keep them, and they're building a little ramp up to the tub.
That's great.
You know what would've made that story even better? Email.
Why are you entering? Why do you have your pajamas on? Ah.
I was worried that the birds wouldn't be able to sleep without me.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, Max, all right.
Here, sit down.
You okay.
You know, I had an old friend over tonight, who I'll probably never see again, thanks to my mom and Liz and Hunter And your birds, and come to think of it, you.
Do you have a point, Sean? It's the middle of the night.
Anyway, uh, this friend assumed these birds were mine, and thought I might perhaps be a little You know, lonely.
I see what you're getting at, Sean.
But if you're lonely, get your own birds.
You can't have mine.
Okay, well [Giggles] [Chuckles] I tried.
All right.
Well, I'll get you a blanket and mentally prepare myself for the weirdest breakfast ever.
Good night, my friends I'll see you in the morning All: Morning