Shameless s05e09 Episode Script
Absent Parents
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express! Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked! Piss off! What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes You sit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh? Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now! Scatter! Party! 'lt's a funny idea, the genes passing through you.
'One generation to the next, 'like little instruction manuals to the future, 'on how to make another one that's got your eyes, 'or your way with words.
' Come to my baby shower.
Have a laugh! 'It's like you're all in a great long conga line, 'your mum and dad behind you ' Want one?.
.
Tosser! 'Your kids out in front, and their kids in front of them.
' Baby shower, for me.
For us.
List of what I want.
'Until maybe, one day, one of them's such a minger, 'no-one wants to mate with 'em.
' Baby shower, Nerys for me.
'That's never gonna happen with my lot, though.
'Parents like Frank and me, 'they don't know how lucky they are.
' Here you go, Karen.
Baby shower.
For me.
I thought baby showers were supposed to be arranged by your mates.
Well, don't want to stand on ceremony, do I? Might not have the actual party, though, it's gonna be a bit pricey, but you can drop your gift off any time Did that woman find you? What woman? She came in this morning asking for you so I gave her the address.
What did she want? She left her stuff here and all.
We nearly exploded it, I thought it was a fuckin' bomb.
Joan Dallimore.
Mean anything? Mum? No.
Nothing at all.
Come on, love, it's not far.
I'll show you.
You go down this road here, and it's on the left-hand side, you can't miss it.
OK? No fuckin' way, give that back Do one! You're not having that and all.
Get off! Go on! Hey, listen up, I've had a great idea.
Why don't we all go out? Go out for a picnic or something, hey? We've just had lunch.
And anyway, look, me and Mandy are making you a baby blanket.
Oh, you don't have to bother with that.
You're not gonna get anything else from your baby shower! Frank! Dead to the world.
Well, all right, then, I'll go on my own.
Mum Who is it? It's taken me ages to get here.
I've been up and down and round, I've been all over the fuckin' place.
Look at my hair.
Sorry, do we know you? It's all right, Debbie.
I do.
Hello, Mother.
Awful place.
Where's me handbag? Anyway, in we go.
Now, don't forget, dinner's in the freezer.
And if It's fine, just go and have a good time.
Yep, adios, amigos.
Manana, Costa del Sol, hey? Right, that's it.
Can't leave these two in charge of the house, out of our tiny fucking minds.
Paddy, you promised me this holiday.
- Have a good one! - Hasta la vista! See ya! A week.
A fuckin' week! Come on! We can get dressed up in Mum's clothes.
We can smoke in the bog with the door open.
We can have a party! Get the gear! It's in the cabinet.
Do I look like a fuckin' numpty? How're we gonna have a fuckin' party with no gear? You've aged, Monica.
We both have.
Piling on the weight again? She's pregnant.
I've never known what to do with her, stay off the cakes, that's what the doctor said.
You should trim down, like this one, what are you, size 8? Aged 10, she was a 14.
She had puffy knees, because of the weight.
I took her to the doctor's, he said, "self-inflicted", that's what he said.
Where's me handbag? You could see it in the way she walked, wasn't nice.
If you'd fed me more than a lettuce leaf from time to time, I wouldn't have had to stuff myself with sweets, would I? She were fat as a whale.
And then off she goes and abandons me.
- You threw me out.
- I never threw you out.
- You charged me rent.
- That's fair enough.
I were ten.
Then back she comes, tits akimbo, nothing but lies.
He-he, you've aged, you've started piling on the weight again.
Did you come back for something, or do you just want another row? I've come to see you, haven't I? What's in here? Oh, I say, that's not right, is it? GLASS JARS TINKLE Yvonne.
I just saw the crime report, why didn't you phone me? I can't come crying to you every time, can I? I just rung 999, some officers dealt with it.
- Look, let me see that - No.
If you're too nice to me, I might I don't know.
Just so bloody hard sometimes.
Shop, and kids trying to get by.
You need a man in your life, Yvonne, someone to look after you.
Are you making a pass at me, Stan? Go on, Stan.
Yeah.
That's it.
Debbie.
Debbie! Who's downstairs? Joan.
Mum's mum.
Well, what does she want? She says she come to visit.
I thought she was murdered by a jealous lover in Rio.
What the fuck is she doing here? I don't know! Will you tell her to go, please? We don't wanna antagonise her, do I? We Why not? That's all she's ever done to me.
And you're the one that's refused to see her for God knows how long.
All right, Joan, love? Nice to see you, just saying, stay as long as you like.
So, er, how've you been? I'm fine, thanks.
Looking good.
As always, I mean She can have Debbie's room, can't she? You don't mind sharing with Mandy a few nights, do you? Yeah, so, do you need any help with your bags, Joan? Thanks.
Titanic finally docked yet, or what? Oh, no! I'm travelling light.
What are you talking about? You've left your bags in the pub, I've already seen 'em.
Eh? Did I? You don't have to pretend.
I don't know what you're doing, but you're not doing it here, you are going home.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not going there, he's wrong.
I don't know what he meant.
Alzheimer's? I haven't got Alzheimer's.
I'm not going, I'm here with you, I'm not going in no home, I'm staying here.
Managed to get hold of a neighbour.
Turns out she'd burned her flat down.
Fucking hell! Yeah, she were that confused, someone called a doctor.
He diagnosed Alzheimer's, booked her into a care home, so she's done a runner.
Oh, but, well, yeah, that's good news, innit? A care home - job done! Write me off that quick as well, would you, Frank? You've got to phone the Social, Mon.
There's no choice, is there? What could we do? You were the one that said she could stay in the first place.
Well, that was just to please Just Oh Oh, I don't know.
What the fucking hell's she waiting for? Hiya, love.
I just thought I'd come and see if you were I'm not paying you to miss bits.
Mate of mine in the motor trade wants three ringers nicking, - 100 quid a pop.
- That's 300 quid.
And how much gear d'you think we'll get for that, eh? Can I come in on that? I can help nick cars.
What we getting? A smack round the fucking head, you don't shut up and finish me car.
Little shit! All right, Mandy.
Yeah, I just Eh? What about old Joan, eh? How much do you think she can remember, you know, then, of things.
I'm not a doctor, Frank.
Dunno.
A lot about the past, but recently Oh, right, so Like sort of 20ish years ago, would she? Dunno.
Maybe.
Why? What did you do, Frank? What, I? Me? Nothing.
No, I'm just, y'know Just about concern about Monica.
Just Oh, fucking I Can't ask a fucking question round here without the fucking third degree! For God's sake, Mum, stop following me around! You're not leaving me? I'm just going out for a minute.
- I'll come with you.
- Oh! You all right? Get away from us! Fuck off! Get back where you came from! You fucking what?! Norma, this is me mum.
She's got Alzheimer's.
I don't give a shit what she's got.
Norma? Norma? I know that name.
I know that name.
Norma is a friend of mine.
A friend of yours? Is she? She's not? Is she that poofter? Auntie Peg said there was a poofter.
She never said she was coloured.
Are you gonna let her get away with that, Monica? I don't know what to bloody do! You've always got to be different.
You've always got to shock.
Who are you? Get away from us! Get back where you came from! My name is Norma.
Norma? I know that name.
It's like talking to a bloody goldfish.
Frank, love, will you take her for me before I start to self-harm? Eh, come on No fucking chance, sunshine.
You all right, bird? Where is she? Locked her in the wardrobe.
Frank's taken her to the pub.
Oh! I think I prefer the wardrobe.
So what are you gonna do, Mon, eh? You don't have to put up with this shite, you know? One phone cal! And she's out of your hair.
Fucking payback.
Payback? Why? What for? Mon's dad fucked off when she was about four.
From that moment on, Monica couldn't do a thing right.
She used to leave me on my own all night, said she couldn't stand me.
Used to cry myself to sleep.
Then Joan got herself a bloody bastard boyfriend, Dennis, whose shite smelt of roses.
Turns out has his hands up Monica's skirt every time the lights go off.
I didn't want her to know that, Norma.
Well, she's old enough.
That woman was an evil old hag to your mother.
I should know.
I've got the therapy bills to prove it.
Why didn't you say anything? If he groped you, you should have just told her.
I did.
She called me a liar, said she wished she'd never had me.
You don't have to forgive her, Monica.
Yvonne? Pull your trousers up, come on.
Oh, you are in.
I thought you weren't cos the door What the fuck happened to you? Erm This? I got done over yesterday.
Stan were just - I'm starving.
- Now, come on.
Two at a time! Yvonne, do you fancy going on a, y'know? Right, let's be having you.
I only want a packet of crisps.
Fine, I'm leaving.
What we got here then? Well, I'll see you then, Yvonne.
Jesus Chr! You seen the state of the stockroom? Yeah.
It's just It'll be our bloody Chesney.
Well, I hate to tell you this, Yvonne, but I think he's been having sex in there.
- I can smell it.
- No! I'm gonna fucking kill him! This one's on the house.
So, how's the old grey matter then, Joan? Fancy a quiz? Somebody must have done.
Yeah.
So who's the Prime Minister then? No? Yeah, you're right, who cares.
You heard of the first moon landing? Mm? Neil Armstrong, Buzz Lightyear.
How many legs has a donkey got? What am I drinking? Where's your handbag? Shot to fuck, aren't you, kid? Can't remember a sodding thing.
Happy fucking days! Oh, who's your girlfriend there, Frank? Oh, no.
This, Lillian, is Monica's mum, Joan.
Say hello, Joan.
No, I'm not his girlfriend.
Except once, on Monica's birthday, we had sex.
But it's a secret.
Oh, come on! Well, I mean She's fucking tonto, in't she? What? I mean I mean Right, now, listen up, Mum, just to clarify, what you just said didn't happen.
If it did - if - then it was a mistake, cos I would have been drunk and you You were just a wicked old witch who wanted whatever your daughter was getting.
Ooh, this takes me back! Young Hearts Run Free by Candi Staton Ohh! Ooh, dance with me, Frank.
No, Joan, I Dance with me! Only if you keep your fucking mouth shut.
Stan, I'm beginning to think you've got some kind of eating disorder.
Cos that's the third meal that you haven't touched in two days.
I'm in love with Yvonne.
No, I don't think I heard you right there.
Did you say? I'm.
In.
Love.
With.
Yvonne.
D'you mean Yvonne Yvonne? "Scary Yvonne in the shop" Yvonne? Put it back or lose your dick.
Well, there's a thing! Trouble is, I just don't know if it's the same for her.
I mean, she's definitely interested.
That's it, Stan! Yeah! But when I hinted at us both going out together, she I think I got the brush-off.
Well, if you're sure that this is definitely what you want well, you'll just have to go in there and ask her straight.
No messing.
Kill or cure.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
I'll just go in there and I'll ask her.
Yvonne? Yvonne, I want to ask you something and I really need you to Whoa! D'you wanna go out with me one night? Down The Jockey or Stan, I don't drink.
Well, dinner, then, or a film or I want to go on a date with you instead of just having sex.
We're friends, aren't we? Well, that's all right, isn't it? Look Stan, me and you I mean, I don't know if I were just reacting to t'stress of being attacked or summat.
I mean, you're a lovely man.
You're just Yeah, not boyfriend material.
I didn't say that.
What are you saying, Yvonne? It's all right.
I understand.
I won't trouble you again.
Stan, don't be like that! Stan! Here y'are, there's one.
Golf GTi.
And it's a V plate.
Fuck! Leg it! Come on! Lovely boys! Come here.
You what? That's like shagging me gran! You come here.
Come on.
- Come on! - What you doing? Wanna fuck? Give you all a blow job! Get back to your home, slapper! Mother! Get off me! Get off me, bitch! - Get inside! - Get off me! Ow! Oh, Frank, come and help me.
Get off me! You were supposed to be looking after her.
Ow! Mother, you're hurting me! Why d'you do it? Stop it! I've made up my mind.
You're going in that home! Oh, God.
Where's me handbag? Where's me handbag? Oh, what's in your sodding handbag?! How many fucking sleeping pills does she need? That's enough to put an elephant out.
I'm not going in no home.
I'm not going.
See, I've found another way.
I just need to find me daughter first.
I need to find me daughter.
What were those things? Those things I've lost? It was something important.
You haven't lost anything, Mum.
It's not here.
Oh, I see, you've Well, I'm not gonna wait for your help, am I? Oh, a lady in the milk jar was telling me where to fish.
HE LAUGHS Yeah, right.
Oh, don't laugh.
Don't laugh at her.
Come on, Mum.
We're going out.
We need to spend some time together.
There you go, there's your bag.
Come on.
Buy you a coffee.
And can we have some cake? And some cake, yes.
Here y'are.
It says here, if you lift t'car up from t'front, it thinks it's being towed.
Alarm still goes.
I've tried it.
All right? What the fuck are you so happy about? Here we go.
That's the one you wanted, isn't it? Golf, V plates? How the fucking fuck? Wasn't there no alarm on it? I dunno.
Didn't look.
Yep, there is.
Keys.
You're cutting me in on the deal, then? So if they're paying 100 quid a car, I say we split it 75/25 in my favour.
On your fucking bike! I'm the one who knows how to nick 'em, so deal or no deal? Yeah, all right, then.
Seems fair.
- Mickey, can I have a word - No, no, let's just give it Mickey, we won't have enough for a fucking party, will we? Yeah, we will.
Trust me.
Four cars, but you've got to get all of them before you get paid.
I thought it was three.
Yeah, well, it's four.
All right.
What's up next, then? Beemer soft-top, V plate, or a Renault Clio three-door Dynamique 804, take your pick.
What do those ones look like again? You all right, mate? Hey, kid.
Hey, look at me.
You all right? Huh? Talk to me.
What's the matter? Can you hear me? Hello? I'm gonna pick you up, take you out of the road.
Oi! Hey! Come here, you little shit! What I'm saying is, if you really had wanted to, you know, with them pills, then you'd have done it already, wouldn't you? Instead of coming to me.
So I think, deep down you know that going into a home I never liked my daughter, d'you know that? I told her once, I wish I'd never had her.
- But Mum, let's not - I never told her why, though.
Why? Why didn't you like her? Because she looked like him, like her father.
Yeah The only man I ever loved.
Ee, I loved him.
But, one day Never made no sense.
I cried and cried, but he wouldn't come back.
And there she was still, every day, looking at me with his eyes ripping me heart out.
Cos every time I looked at her, all I could see was him.
My boyfriend used to touch her - Dennis.
I'd wake up in the night, find him gone.
I knew what he was doing, but I never stopped him.
I wanted her punished.
Oh Do you think she could forgive me? Because I need her to.
You know, I need to clean it all before I go.
BMW.
And Renault Clio.
What d'you need for the last one? Oh, Lada Riva, D-reg.
Some loser wants one.
Here y'are.
All right.
D-reg Lada? Exactly.
He'll hunt a month of fucking Giro days for one of them.
- They've all gone to scrap.
- You fucking genius.
- Frank? - Mmm Would you do something for me if I asked you? Oh No, I'm busy I don't mean now.
I mean in general.
If it's about them salsa classes No, not that! I mean if it was something really important.
You won't get any sense out of him.
Stupid git's taken some of your mum's sleeping pills.
I just need to know if it's ever right to do something for someone that they want, even if other people might think it wasn't? Look, I know how low people with Alzheimer's can get.
But helping your mum with those pills Well, unless you want to end up in Strangeways with half my family, you'll leave it alone.
ALARM SOUNDS NEARBY Surprised Stan's not been in today.
What? Stan Stan? Goofy Stan? Stan "turns everything into slapstick" Stan? Well, usually, but you know he caught the blokes who robbed you, don't you? Aye.
Got right stuck in, I heard.
I thought he'd be in to tell you about it.
No.
No, he didn't.
I reckon he fancies you.
Perhaps he didn't want to make a big deal of it.
- He's all right, though? - Oh, aye.
Think so.
Anyway, even if he did fancy me, that whole friendship thing, it never works, does it? I don't know.
Always seemed like a good basis to me.
You know, someone to get on with, have a laugh.
Bottom line is, if he were that fucking interested, he'd be here, wouldn't he, kicking down me door, not taking no for an answer? You know, faint heart never won fair fucking lady and all that! I need a man who's my equal, someone who's gonna stand up to me.
Aye, righty-ho, then.
That's me done.
Do you know where it is? What is it I've lost? Me handbag? It's something important.
Where's me handbag? It's here, Mum.
Oh Now then, I've spoken to your daughter and she says She says she can't change the past, much as she might want to.
And she says she can't forgive you.
But she says that hearing you admit that you knew what your boyfriend was doing, well that's a start.
And I think I get the impression that despite everything your daughter loves you very, very much.
- Hey, Mum, look, I've finished.
- It's lovely, Debbie.
In a bit.
Norma, would you pop upstairs and wake Mum? - I'll go.
- No! Norma, would you? But if she starts on us again, I'll wake her with a fucking cattle prod.
Joan? Joan? Monica I think you'd better come up.
She's taken an overdose, Mon.
Probably best thing for her, like what with everything.
I'll call an ambulance, eh? Oh, fucking hell You all right, kid? Tell you what I think you did the right thing.
No, no, no word of a lie.
I'd have done the same myself, if you'd have asked me, for either of mine.
Not a moment's hesitation.
You cry, love.
Wait.
Debbie, love, would you mind? No.
Thanks.
Come here, love.
It's all right.
It's only Nan.
Right, you take the main road.
I'll go this way.
Oh, managed to drag yourself out of bed this morning then, did you? Carrie, that was mine.
Oh, Carrie, come on.
I was saving that.
I thought you was running on love alone.
Didn't think you needed food to fight for your lady's honour.
Carrie! I've had enough of everyone treating me like a doormat.
We'll be getting more later in the week.
Is that all right, love? Yvonne, I've got something to say to you.
I'm serving I don't care, I won't be brushed aside again.
Because You women, you all say there's no decent men in the world.
But when you meet one, all you do is write me off.
It's rude, Yvonne, and it hurts my feelings.
I'm not a super hunk and maybe I don't fit in with your idea of what it is you want.
But I'm decent and kind and we could've been good together.
If you don't see that, if I was just an embarrassing shag in the storeroom to you, it's your loss.
Stan! Stan! Stop, will ya? Look, Yvonne Two nights a week, one of which you have to come round to mine because I can't afford the childcare.
My kids always come first and you're not moving in.
We'll just take things slowly.
What are you saying? I'm saying Yes, I will go out with you.
But no teenage stuff.
No gooey eyes, game-playing and chocolate.
Yeah, yeah, I get you.
No flowers, no candles, no weekends away.
Come on.
- Odd weekend away wouldn't hurt.
- Yeah.
Once in a while.
You have to give me a bit of notice, mind.
- I've always fancied Blackpool.
- No more shagging in your storeroom.
Me fuckin' nerves couldn't take it.
Seen me bruises? Mum.
We've cleared out her stuff.
And rang round the family.
Apparently she left all her savings to you.
About two grand.
Hey, good old Joan! Wasn't so bad after all, was she? Funeral costs more than that.
Oh, well, come and die at Frank's house! Free fuckin' funerals all round.
I've invited Fiona Clark, the Smith girls Got something for you.
Where the fuck? Wasn't easy.
Four cars.
That's In your fucking dreams.
Listen Yes, officer, I can identify the men who stole the cars.
I think they're on probation.
Does that mean they'll go to prison for a really long time? Well done.
What the fuck are you gonna do with 300 quid? I've got a few ideas.
- Never wanted a fucking party anyway - I did! Shut up.
So Come on, here's to Joan.
She may have been you know, an old bitch but she's where your mum comes from.
Oh, Frank To Joan.
To Mum.
I must say, Frank.
I'm quite surprised she never come on to you.
She did to all my other boyfriends.
Well, maybe she saw that we had something special.
Yeah.
We know different, don't we, Frank? You and Joan.
You sure you're OK, Mum? Yeah.
Thanks, Debbie, love.
That was a nice gesture, giving her the blanket.
Not really.
Didn't like it.
Don't make us another one, eh? 'Norma always says, "Biology is not destiny".
'And I suppose she's right.
'I mean, I'm nothing like my mum.
'So that old saying, "The apple never falls very far from the tree", 'It's wrong, in't it? 'Because if the tree's at the top of a very steep hill and the apple rolls 'down that hill and onto a jetty, and off the jetty onto a boat, 'and the boat's on a river 'that takes the apple round to the other side of the world 'Well then, that is far, in't it? ' Ole! Dress is nice.
Wicked! Piss off! What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon - me included - is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes You sit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh? Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now! Scatter! Party! 'lt's a funny idea, the genes passing through you.
'One generation to the next, 'like little instruction manuals to the future, 'on how to make another one that's got your eyes, 'or your way with words.
' Come to my baby shower.
Have a laugh! 'It's like you're all in a great long conga line, 'your mum and dad behind you ' Want one?.
.
Tosser! 'Your kids out in front, and their kids in front of them.
' Baby shower, for me.
For us.
List of what I want.
'Until maybe, one day, one of them's such a minger, 'no-one wants to mate with 'em.
' Baby shower, Nerys for me.
'That's never gonna happen with my lot, though.
'Parents like Frank and me, 'they don't know how lucky they are.
' Here you go, Karen.
Baby shower.
For me.
I thought baby showers were supposed to be arranged by your mates.
Well, don't want to stand on ceremony, do I? Might not have the actual party, though, it's gonna be a bit pricey, but you can drop your gift off any time Did that woman find you? What woman? She came in this morning asking for you so I gave her the address.
What did she want? She left her stuff here and all.
We nearly exploded it, I thought it was a fuckin' bomb.
Joan Dallimore.
Mean anything? Mum? No.
Nothing at all.
Come on, love, it's not far.
I'll show you.
You go down this road here, and it's on the left-hand side, you can't miss it.
OK? No fuckin' way, give that back Do one! You're not having that and all.
Get off! Go on! Hey, listen up, I've had a great idea.
Why don't we all go out? Go out for a picnic or something, hey? We've just had lunch.
And anyway, look, me and Mandy are making you a baby blanket.
Oh, you don't have to bother with that.
You're not gonna get anything else from your baby shower! Frank! Dead to the world.
Well, all right, then, I'll go on my own.
Mum Who is it? It's taken me ages to get here.
I've been up and down and round, I've been all over the fuckin' place.
Look at my hair.
Sorry, do we know you? It's all right, Debbie.
I do.
Hello, Mother.
Awful place.
Where's me handbag? Anyway, in we go.
Now, don't forget, dinner's in the freezer.
And if It's fine, just go and have a good time.
Yep, adios, amigos.
Manana, Costa del Sol, hey? Right, that's it.
Can't leave these two in charge of the house, out of our tiny fucking minds.
Paddy, you promised me this holiday.
- Have a good one! - Hasta la vista! See ya! A week.
A fuckin' week! Come on! We can get dressed up in Mum's clothes.
We can smoke in the bog with the door open.
We can have a party! Get the gear! It's in the cabinet.
Do I look like a fuckin' numpty? How're we gonna have a fuckin' party with no gear? You've aged, Monica.
We both have.
Piling on the weight again? She's pregnant.
I've never known what to do with her, stay off the cakes, that's what the doctor said.
You should trim down, like this one, what are you, size 8? Aged 10, she was a 14.
She had puffy knees, because of the weight.
I took her to the doctor's, he said, "self-inflicted", that's what he said.
Where's me handbag? You could see it in the way she walked, wasn't nice.
If you'd fed me more than a lettuce leaf from time to time, I wouldn't have had to stuff myself with sweets, would I? She were fat as a whale.
And then off she goes and abandons me.
- You threw me out.
- I never threw you out.
- You charged me rent.
- That's fair enough.
I were ten.
Then back she comes, tits akimbo, nothing but lies.
He-he, you've aged, you've started piling on the weight again.
Did you come back for something, or do you just want another row? I've come to see you, haven't I? What's in here? Oh, I say, that's not right, is it? GLASS JARS TINKLE Yvonne.
I just saw the crime report, why didn't you phone me? I can't come crying to you every time, can I? I just rung 999, some officers dealt with it.
- Look, let me see that - No.
If you're too nice to me, I might I don't know.
Just so bloody hard sometimes.
Shop, and kids trying to get by.
You need a man in your life, Yvonne, someone to look after you.
Are you making a pass at me, Stan? Go on, Stan.
Yeah.
That's it.
Debbie.
Debbie! Who's downstairs? Joan.
Mum's mum.
Well, what does she want? She says she come to visit.
I thought she was murdered by a jealous lover in Rio.
What the fuck is she doing here? I don't know! Will you tell her to go, please? We don't wanna antagonise her, do I? We Why not? That's all she's ever done to me.
And you're the one that's refused to see her for God knows how long.
All right, Joan, love? Nice to see you, just saying, stay as long as you like.
So, er, how've you been? I'm fine, thanks.
Looking good.
As always, I mean She can have Debbie's room, can't she? You don't mind sharing with Mandy a few nights, do you? Yeah, so, do you need any help with your bags, Joan? Thanks.
Titanic finally docked yet, or what? Oh, no! I'm travelling light.
What are you talking about? You've left your bags in the pub, I've already seen 'em.
Eh? Did I? You don't have to pretend.
I don't know what you're doing, but you're not doing it here, you are going home.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not going there, he's wrong.
I don't know what he meant.
Alzheimer's? I haven't got Alzheimer's.
I'm not going, I'm here with you, I'm not going in no home, I'm staying here.
Managed to get hold of a neighbour.
Turns out she'd burned her flat down.
Fucking hell! Yeah, she were that confused, someone called a doctor.
He diagnosed Alzheimer's, booked her into a care home, so she's done a runner.
Oh, but, well, yeah, that's good news, innit? A care home - job done! Write me off that quick as well, would you, Frank? You've got to phone the Social, Mon.
There's no choice, is there? What could we do? You were the one that said she could stay in the first place.
Well, that was just to please Just Oh Oh, I don't know.
What the fucking hell's she waiting for? Hiya, love.
I just thought I'd come and see if you were I'm not paying you to miss bits.
Mate of mine in the motor trade wants three ringers nicking, - 100 quid a pop.
- That's 300 quid.
And how much gear d'you think we'll get for that, eh? Can I come in on that? I can help nick cars.
What we getting? A smack round the fucking head, you don't shut up and finish me car.
Little shit! All right, Mandy.
Yeah, I just Eh? What about old Joan, eh? How much do you think she can remember, you know, then, of things.
I'm not a doctor, Frank.
Dunno.
A lot about the past, but recently Oh, right, so Like sort of 20ish years ago, would she? Dunno.
Maybe.
Why? What did you do, Frank? What, I? Me? Nothing.
No, I'm just, y'know Just about concern about Monica.
Just Oh, fucking I Can't ask a fucking question round here without the fucking third degree! For God's sake, Mum, stop following me around! You're not leaving me? I'm just going out for a minute.
- I'll come with you.
- Oh! You all right? Get away from us! Fuck off! Get back where you came from! You fucking what?! Norma, this is me mum.
She's got Alzheimer's.
I don't give a shit what she's got.
Norma? Norma? I know that name.
I know that name.
Norma is a friend of mine.
A friend of yours? Is she? She's not? Is she that poofter? Auntie Peg said there was a poofter.
She never said she was coloured.
Are you gonna let her get away with that, Monica? I don't know what to bloody do! You've always got to be different.
You've always got to shock.
Who are you? Get away from us! Get back where you came from! My name is Norma.
Norma? I know that name.
It's like talking to a bloody goldfish.
Frank, love, will you take her for me before I start to self-harm? Eh, come on No fucking chance, sunshine.
You all right, bird? Where is she? Locked her in the wardrobe.
Frank's taken her to the pub.
Oh! I think I prefer the wardrobe.
So what are you gonna do, Mon, eh? You don't have to put up with this shite, you know? One phone cal! And she's out of your hair.
Fucking payback.
Payback? Why? What for? Mon's dad fucked off when she was about four.
From that moment on, Monica couldn't do a thing right.
She used to leave me on my own all night, said she couldn't stand me.
Used to cry myself to sleep.
Then Joan got herself a bloody bastard boyfriend, Dennis, whose shite smelt of roses.
Turns out has his hands up Monica's skirt every time the lights go off.
I didn't want her to know that, Norma.
Well, she's old enough.
That woman was an evil old hag to your mother.
I should know.
I've got the therapy bills to prove it.
Why didn't you say anything? If he groped you, you should have just told her.
I did.
She called me a liar, said she wished she'd never had me.
You don't have to forgive her, Monica.
Yvonne? Pull your trousers up, come on.
Oh, you are in.
I thought you weren't cos the door What the fuck happened to you? Erm This? I got done over yesterday.
Stan were just - I'm starving.
- Now, come on.
Two at a time! Yvonne, do you fancy going on a, y'know? Right, let's be having you.
I only want a packet of crisps.
Fine, I'm leaving.
What we got here then? Well, I'll see you then, Yvonne.
Jesus Chr! You seen the state of the stockroom? Yeah.
It's just It'll be our bloody Chesney.
Well, I hate to tell you this, Yvonne, but I think he's been having sex in there.
- I can smell it.
- No! I'm gonna fucking kill him! This one's on the house.
So, how's the old grey matter then, Joan? Fancy a quiz? Somebody must have done.
Yeah.
So who's the Prime Minister then? No? Yeah, you're right, who cares.
You heard of the first moon landing? Mm? Neil Armstrong, Buzz Lightyear.
How many legs has a donkey got? What am I drinking? Where's your handbag? Shot to fuck, aren't you, kid? Can't remember a sodding thing.
Happy fucking days! Oh, who's your girlfriend there, Frank? Oh, no.
This, Lillian, is Monica's mum, Joan.
Say hello, Joan.
No, I'm not his girlfriend.
Except once, on Monica's birthday, we had sex.
But it's a secret.
Oh, come on! Well, I mean She's fucking tonto, in't she? What? I mean I mean Right, now, listen up, Mum, just to clarify, what you just said didn't happen.
If it did - if - then it was a mistake, cos I would have been drunk and you You were just a wicked old witch who wanted whatever your daughter was getting.
Ooh, this takes me back! Young Hearts Run Free by Candi Staton Ohh! Ooh, dance with me, Frank.
No, Joan, I Dance with me! Only if you keep your fucking mouth shut.
Stan, I'm beginning to think you've got some kind of eating disorder.
Cos that's the third meal that you haven't touched in two days.
I'm in love with Yvonne.
No, I don't think I heard you right there.
Did you say? I'm.
In.
Love.
With.
Yvonne.
D'you mean Yvonne Yvonne? "Scary Yvonne in the shop" Yvonne? Put it back or lose your dick.
Well, there's a thing! Trouble is, I just don't know if it's the same for her.
I mean, she's definitely interested.
That's it, Stan! Yeah! But when I hinted at us both going out together, she I think I got the brush-off.
Well, if you're sure that this is definitely what you want well, you'll just have to go in there and ask her straight.
No messing.
Kill or cure.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
I'll just go in there and I'll ask her.
Yvonne? Yvonne, I want to ask you something and I really need you to Whoa! D'you wanna go out with me one night? Down The Jockey or Stan, I don't drink.
Well, dinner, then, or a film or I want to go on a date with you instead of just having sex.
We're friends, aren't we? Well, that's all right, isn't it? Look Stan, me and you I mean, I don't know if I were just reacting to t'stress of being attacked or summat.
I mean, you're a lovely man.
You're just Yeah, not boyfriend material.
I didn't say that.
What are you saying, Yvonne? It's all right.
I understand.
I won't trouble you again.
Stan, don't be like that! Stan! Here y'are, there's one.
Golf GTi.
And it's a V plate.
Fuck! Leg it! Come on! Lovely boys! Come here.
You what? That's like shagging me gran! You come here.
Come on.
- Come on! - What you doing? Wanna fuck? Give you all a blow job! Get back to your home, slapper! Mother! Get off me! Get off me, bitch! - Get inside! - Get off me! Ow! Oh, Frank, come and help me.
Get off me! You were supposed to be looking after her.
Ow! Mother, you're hurting me! Why d'you do it? Stop it! I've made up my mind.
You're going in that home! Oh, God.
Where's me handbag? Where's me handbag? Oh, what's in your sodding handbag?! How many fucking sleeping pills does she need? That's enough to put an elephant out.
I'm not going in no home.
I'm not going.
See, I've found another way.
I just need to find me daughter first.
I need to find me daughter.
What were those things? Those things I've lost? It was something important.
You haven't lost anything, Mum.
It's not here.
Oh, I see, you've Well, I'm not gonna wait for your help, am I? Oh, a lady in the milk jar was telling me where to fish.
HE LAUGHS Yeah, right.
Oh, don't laugh.
Don't laugh at her.
Come on, Mum.
We're going out.
We need to spend some time together.
There you go, there's your bag.
Come on.
Buy you a coffee.
And can we have some cake? And some cake, yes.
Here y'are.
It says here, if you lift t'car up from t'front, it thinks it's being towed.
Alarm still goes.
I've tried it.
All right? What the fuck are you so happy about? Here we go.
That's the one you wanted, isn't it? Golf, V plates? How the fucking fuck? Wasn't there no alarm on it? I dunno.
Didn't look.
Yep, there is.
Keys.
You're cutting me in on the deal, then? So if they're paying 100 quid a car, I say we split it 75/25 in my favour.
On your fucking bike! I'm the one who knows how to nick 'em, so deal or no deal? Yeah, all right, then.
Seems fair.
- Mickey, can I have a word - No, no, let's just give it Mickey, we won't have enough for a fucking party, will we? Yeah, we will.
Trust me.
Four cars, but you've got to get all of them before you get paid.
I thought it was three.
Yeah, well, it's four.
All right.
What's up next, then? Beemer soft-top, V plate, or a Renault Clio three-door Dynamique 804, take your pick.
What do those ones look like again? You all right, mate? Hey, kid.
Hey, look at me.
You all right? Huh? Talk to me.
What's the matter? Can you hear me? Hello? I'm gonna pick you up, take you out of the road.
Oi! Hey! Come here, you little shit! What I'm saying is, if you really had wanted to, you know, with them pills, then you'd have done it already, wouldn't you? Instead of coming to me.
So I think, deep down you know that going into a home I never liked my daughter, d'you know that? I told her once, I wish I'd never had her.
- But Mum, let's not - I never told her why, though.
Why? Why didn't you like her? Because she looked like him, like her father.
Yeah The only man I ever loved.
Ee, I loved him.
But, one day Never made no sense.
I cried and cried, but he wouldn't come back.
And there she was still, every day, looking at me with his eyes ripping me heart out.
Cos every time I looked at her, all I could see was him.
My boyfriend used to touch her - Dennis.
I'd wake up in the night, find him gone.
I knew what he was doing, but I never stopped him.
I wanted her punished.
Oh Do you think she could forgive me? Because I need her to.
You know, I need to clean it all before I go.
BMW.
And Renault Clio.
What d'you need for the last one? Oh, Lada Riva, D-reg.
Some loser wants one.
Here y'are.
All right.
D-reg Lada? Exactly.
He'll hunt a month of fucking Giro days for one of them.
- They've all gone to scrap.
- You fucking genius.
- Frank? - Mmm Would you do something for me if I asked you? Oh No, I'm busy I don't mean now.
I mean in general.
If it's about them salsa classes No, not that! I mean if it was something really important.
You won't get any sense out of him.
Stupid git's taken some of your mum's sleeping pills.
I just need to know if it's ever right to do something for someone that they want, even if other people might think it wasn't? Look, I know how low people with Alzheimer's can get.
But helping your mum with those pills Well, unless you want to end up in Strangeways with half my family, you'll leave it alone.
ALARM SOUNDS NEARBY Surprised Stan's not been in today.
What? Stan Stan? Goofy Stan? Stan "turns everything into slapstick" Stan? Well, usually, but you know he caught the blokes who robbed you, don't you? Aye.
Got right stuck in, I heard.
I thought he'd be in to tell you about it.
No.
No, he didn't.
I reckon he fancies you.
Perhaps he didn't want to make a big deal of it.
- He's all right, though? - Oh, aye.
Think so.
Anyway, even if he did fancy me, that whole friendship thing, it never works, does it? I don't know.
Always seemed like a good basis to me.
You know, someone to get on with, have a laugh.
Bottom line is, if he were that fucking interested, he'd be here, wouldn't he, kicking down me door, not taking no for an answer? You know, faint heart never won fair fucking lady and all that! I need a man who's my equal, someone who's gonna stand up to me.
Aye, righty-ho, then.
That's me done.
Do you know where it is? What is it I've lost? Me handbag? It's something important.
Where's me handbag? It's here, Mum.
Oh Now then, I've spoken to your daughter and she says She says she can't change the past, much as she might want to.
And she says she can't forgive you.
But she says that hearing you admit that you knew what your boyfriend was doing, well that's a start.
And I think I get the impression that despite everything your daughter loves you very, very much.
- Hey, Mum, look, I've finished.
- It's lovely, Debbie.
In a bit.
Norma, would you pop upstairs and wake Mum? - I'll go.
- No! Norma, would you? But if she starts on us again, I'll wake her with a fucking cattle prod.
Joan? Joan? Monica I think you'd better come up.
She's taken an overdose, Mon.
Probably best thing for her, like what with everything.
I'll call an ambulance, eh? Oh, fucking hell You all right, kid? Tell you what I think you did the right thing.
No, no, no word of a lie.
I'd have done the same myself, if you'd have asked me, for either of mine.
Not a moment's hesitation.
You cry, love.
Wait.
Debbie, love, would you mind? No.
Thanks.
Come here, love.
It's all right.
It's only Nan.
Right, you take the main road.
I'll go this way.
Oh, managed to drag yourself out of bed this morning then, did you? Carrie, that was mine.
Oh, Carrie, come on.
I was saving that.
I thought you was running on love alone.
Didn't think you needed food to fight for your lady's honour.
Carrie! I've had enough of everyone treating me like a doormat.
We'll be getting more later in the week.
Is that all right, love? Yvonne, I've got something to say to you.
I'm serving I don't care, I won't be brushed aside again.
Because You women, you all say there's no decent men in the world.
But when you meet one, all you do is write me off.
It's rude, Yvonne, and it hurts my feelings.
I'm not a super hunk and maybe I don't fit in with your idea of what it is you want.
But I'm decent and kind and we could've been good together.
If you don't see that, if I was just an embarrassing shag in the storeroom to you, it's your loss.
Stan! Stan! Stop, will ya? Look, Yvonne Two nights a week, one of which you have to come round to mine because I can't afford the childcare.
My kids always come first and you're not moving in.
We'll just take things slowly.
What are you saying? I'm saying Yes, I will go out with you.
But no teenage stuff.
No gooey eyes, game-playing and chocolate.
Yeah, yeah, I get you.
No flowers, no candles, no weekends away.
Come on.
- Odd weekend away wouldn't hurt.
- Yeah.
Once in a while.
You have to give me a bit of notice, mind.
- I've always fancied Blackpool.
- No more shagging in your storeroom.
Me fuckin' nerves couldn't take it.
Seen me bruises? Mum.
We've cleared out her stuff.
And rang round the family.
Apparently she left all her savings to you.
About two grand.
Hey, good old Joan! Wasn't so bad after all, was she? Funeral costs more than that.
Oh, well, come and die at Frank's house! Free fuckin' funerals all round.
I've invited Fiona Clark, the Smith girls Got something for you.
Where the fuck? Wasn't easy.
Four cars.
That's In your fucking dreams.
Listen Yes, officer, I can identify the men who stole the cars.
I think they're on probation.
Does that mean they'll go to prison for a really long time? Well done.
What the fuck are you gonna do with 300 quid? I've got a few ideas.
- Never wanted a fucking party anyway - I did! Shut up.
So Come on, here's to Joan.
She may have been you know, an old bitch but she's where your mum comes from.
Oh, Frank To Joan.
To Mum.
I must say, Frank.
I'm quite surprised she never come on to you.
She did to all my other boyfriends.
Well, maybe she saw that we had something special.
Yeah.
We know different, don't we, Frank? You and Joan.
You sure you're OK, Mum? Yeah.
Thanks, Debbie, love.
That was a nice gesture, giving her the blanket.
Not really.
Didn't like it.
Don't make us another one, eh? 'Norma always says, "Biology is not destiny".
'And I suppose she's right.
'I mean, I'm nothing like my mum.
'So that old saying, "The apple never falls very far from the tree", 'It's wrong, in't it? 'Because if the tree's at the top of a very steep hill and the apple rolls 'down that hill and onto a jetty, and off the jetty onto a boat, 'and the boat's on a river 'that takes the apple round to the other side of the world 'Well then, that is far, in't it? ' Ole! Dress is nice.