Sick of It (2018) s02e01 Episode Script
The Biscuit
.
Have you nearly finished in there, Norma? Yeah.
Almost done.
Won't be long.
Listen, I'm happy to help you get out if you're struggling.
No, no.
I'm fine.
Listen, I wish you wouldn't lock the door.
If you did slip trying to get out of the bath, what am I supposed to do? Oh, don't be so stupid.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Jules.
Hi, how are you? Yeah, not bad.
You? Yeah, good.
I'm just checking that we're still on.
Yeah, one o'clock, isn't it? Is that still OK with you? Yeah, that works for me.
All right.
And listen, do you want a lift there or are you - Don't worry.
I'll just make my own way there.
All right.
I'll see you there, then.
All right.
Bye.
Yeah, looking forward to it.
Yeah, me too.
OK.
Bye.
See you.
Reckon this Jules could be the one, then? Don't know.
We'll find out, won't we? Change everything, this.
What's she's doing in there? Stop worrying.
You know your hands go wrinkly, when you're in the bath, don't you? Yes.
It's to give you better grip, isn't it? Her hands were wrinkly before her bath.
So in effect she's got double the grip.
Climb the walls like a spider if she wanted to.
Norma, you all right? So here's another one.
What would you rather, be really sticky all over so that every time you touch something, it sticks to you.
Or, you're really itchy.
So like you're constantly wanting to scratch but then when you scratch it, it doesn't go away.
What level of stickiness are we talking about? Is it just a little bit? Is it like when you have an orange and - No, it's much stickier than that.
So I'm basically like a six-foot slug.
I'm just sweating glue.
Not really a slug.
You're stickier than a slug.
It's like you're superglue.
Which one are you going to go for? So I don't know if I'm the sort of person that you're looking for.
But I was just wondering if maybe we should spend a bit more time together to figure out if we want to take it any further.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm up for that.
Yeah.
Yeah, sort of get to know each other.
It makes sense.
Doesn't it, Norma? Well, obviously I'll be meeting a few more carers before I make my decision.
What are the chances of that? Eh? I mean, when I was thinking earlier about how getting a carer in could change your life, I just meant in terms of freeing you up, do you know what I mean? Giving you time to get out there and meet other women.
It didn't even cross my mind that she could be the one for you.
And do you know what's really good? She can't leave you, can she? She can't walk out on you like Zoe did, because she's got responsibility to look after Norma.
It's a win win.
I think that went really well.
Like I said, I don't think you'll find a better carer than Jules.
We'll see.
Hey, Norma! Do you want me to set up another meeting with Jules so you can get to know her a bit more? No.
I don't think she's the one.
I do.
Yeah, but she's not for you, is she? What was all that "Would you rather" nonsense? It wasn't nonsense.
It's a brain exercise, she said.
Get you thinking differently.
There's nothing wrong with my brain.
I just need a little help here and there.
Anyway, I set up a meeting with another carer.
Which one? Ruby.
I took her off the list because she looks too young to be your carer.
Yeah, but she looks like fun.
Anyway, we're going to meet in the park.
Course you are.
Probably where she normally hangs out at her age.
We're meeting in the park cos I told her I enjoy spending time there.
(LAUGHS) Ooh, I have an idea.
OK.
A quick way to get to know each other.
We ask each other any question.
Nothing is off limits, OK? Do you want to go first? OK.
Erm Your first kiss.
Who was it with? I was in primary school, doing a cross-country race and suddenly I see this boy, Joey Debono.
Super-hot guy.
We run into the woods together and have a kiss.
And you know what, Norma, I still managed to win bronze.
Of course.
Now your turn.
Yanni Zimmerman on the banks of the East River.
Ooh! Was he a good kisser? Well, I think so, but I was afraid of getting pregnant.
What, from the kiss? (LAUGHS) Aw! Oh, your turn, Karl.
Who was your first kiss with? Oh, he'd be no good at kissing.
His mouth was always full of biscuits.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, good one, Norma.
Funny that.
(BOTH LAUGHING) So Paul says, "Really?" So funny.
Just hilarious.
So how long have you been living with Karl for? Well, actually, he lives with me.
Oh, Norma, what a wonderful home.
It's just like Antiques Roadshow.
I love old things.
Well, this is the living room.
Oh, look! You look so pretty.
Well, that was taken when I was a dancer.
Ooh.
And who do you think that is? Is itis it Karl? Yes.
Oh, Karl! You look so handsome with hair.
Oh, I'll grow it back, then.
Norma, I'm going to go to work.
See you later, yeah? You know what pisses me off? She didn't even need a carer.
You were doing fine.
Just because she's got a few qualifications.
Is that it? Is that what makes her better than you? What's your job now? Just been relegated to be Norma's driver.
Next right.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
And the next left after that.
Yeah, I know where it is.
Why do they do that? You've been driving for about 20 minutes without any directions.
Suddenly we get close to the destination.
He starts chipping in, telling you which way to go.
Great, isn't it? Norma doesn't think you're up to it.
Now your passengers don't trust you.
Oh, hi, Karl.
I found shitloads of these everywhere.
Are you keeping them for a competition or something? No.
What are you doing? Norma asked me to do some tidying up.
You've got a bit of a sweet tooth, don't you? Yeah.
Listen, this is my room.
Don't come in here.
You're here to look after Norma.
Out of bounds, this.
Whatever you say, boss.
TV: The baby chick pesters its mother for food and attention.
But it is not alone.
An older chick, born three minutes before, is also hungry.
It reveals a dark side and attacks its sibling.
I hate this.
I wish they wouldn't show us this.
It's not going to end well.
You can tell by the presenter's voice.
He's setting up a death here, isn't he? Definitely gonna be dead in a minute, that.
Pisses me off.
The fella who stood there filming it, why didn't he just step in and help? Chuck it a bit of bread, that's all it needs.
Give it a bit of energy, give it a kick-start and it'll be off.
They say they're not allowed.
They have that argument about you can't interfere with nature.
But what are they doing? The fact that they're there, filming this, is interfering with nature.
So what difference does it make? That's all humans do anyway.
We're constantly interfering with nature.
Heart transplants, kidney transplants.
There's even talk about head transplants.
What's that if it's not interfering with nature? Seems like that's all we've evolved to do, isn't it, humans? That's Ruby.
How do you explain what she's doing if she's not interfering? Hello, Cookie Monster.
Right, I think I'm done now.
See you, then.
There's some food left in the fridge.
Just needs to be heated up.
Anything nice? Fish pie.
Just so you know, I'm not a fan of fish pie.
It's not for you, silly.
Like you said, I'm here to take care of Norma.
You all right, Norma? Ruby woke you up? It's OK.
Ah, Ruby, you're still here.
Look, before you go.
I want you know, I've decided I'd like to take you on full time.
Oh, that's wonderful, Norma.
Well, I'd love that.
Karl, would you give Ruby a lift? Well, brilliant.
Well, I'm ready now.
I'm trying to watch this.
Karl.
In a minute.
I'll just watch this.
I just want to see the end bit of this.
Oh, it's just around the corner.
Yeah, I know.
Next on the left.
I know where it is.
I'll see you tomorrow, then.
See you.
I'll come round at ten and take Norma to the doctor's.
You don't have to come so early.
I can run her.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
I've been taking her for ages.
OK.
Well, have a good night, then.
Will do.
You got any plans? You know, just the usual, you know, taking care of Norma and that.
You've done your six hours.
I'll do the rest.
Bye.
See you.
Norma told her you don't like fish pie.
That's why she made it.
Fish pie.
Not even proper pie, is it? These are proper pies, look.
Steak, beef, chicken.
No fish pie.
No-one wants fish pie.
It's not even proper pie.
It's just like fish with mash.
No pastry.
And they call it fish pie.
And what's Ruby going on about, saying you've got a sweet tooth? You haven't got a sweet tooth.
It's a sweet tongue.
It's your taste buds that like the biscuits.
She's meant to be medically trained.
Hasn't got a clue how the human body works.
Clueless.
For fuck's sake! Where did it go? (HORN BLARES) Stop messing about with the biscuits, will you? Like a smackhead! Just concentrate on the driving.
Ruby is not going to be happy that you've got rid of the old doorknobs.
She liked the original features.
If she wasn't here I wouldn't need to replace these with ones that lock.
She thinks she's it, don't she? Did you hear her talking to Norma about that race she won? She only got a bronze.
Mind you, I've never won anything, have I? I'd rather win nothing than a bronze.
I mean, gold's good.
Silver's all right but bronze? All the hard work you put in, all the training, getting up early and all that.
And if you come third, you basically win a doorknob for your efforts.
Not worth it.
I'd prefer to get a gift voucher.
Norma, a key for your room.
What's that for? Just a precaution, now we've got Mary Poppins knocking around.
We don't know her from Adam.
Caught in my room earlier.
So just lock your door, will you? You're paranoid.
When I grew up, we didn't have to lock our doors.
That's because you had nowt worth nicking back then.
It's unnecessary.
Well, I think it's unnecessary that you've taken on a full time carer.
I thought I was doing all right looking after you by myself.
What are you looking for? Biscuits.
I thought I left 'em here.
They're in my bedroom.
Are they? It's all right for you to binge on biscuits in the middle of the night.
Have you got the key? I locked them in there to keep them away from you.
Come on, stop messing about.
No, you come on.
I'm going to be late.
I could be there by now if it wasn't for you wasting time.
You know, Ruby and I were talking about your biscuit problem.
What biscuit problem? Well, Ruby told me she used to eat biscuits when she was unhappy and she thinks you're doing the same.
What's what she thinks is it? All right.
So what about the Cookie Monster, then, in Sesame Street? That little fella, what's going on with him? Is he depressed? Has he got issues? No, he just likes cookies because he's the Cookie Monster.
God.
I'd love to know Ruby's take on him.
Well, I think she's got a point.
I think what you really need in your life is a woman.
What's she doing here? I wanted her to meet my doctor.
You can wait here.
Where is it? Definitely under there.
You had in your hand.
You dropped it.
It went down the side and it's gone under there.
It can't be anywhere else Keep looking.
What was all that about, anyway? Ruby saying I'm eating biscuits cos I'm not happy.
What a load of bollocks.
She's from that generation where everything is blown well out of proportion.
Honestly, in Ruby's world, you've only got to scratch your arse and it's classed as self-harming.
What about Norma, then, saying I need a woman? I mean, Jules did cheer me up a bit, didn't she? But that ship's well sailed, hasn't it? If I were you, I'd forget about women and just have relationships with biscuits.
That's what I'd do.
How about that? Tell you what you could do, different biscuit every night of the week.
Eh? play the field a bit, different shapes, sizes, be a bit promiscuous.
The one that dropped down here last night's playing pretty hard to get.
Got it.
I'll save that for later.
Just have a bit now.
Go on.
I know you want to.
Eat it.
I'll pick up your prescription around 5:00.
It should be ready by then.
What have they put you on now? Oh, more pills to add to the list.
Something for my cholesterol.
Oh, honestly, Norma, don't worry about it.
So many people take these.
Yeah, but he said I'm going to be on them for the rest of my life.
That's all right, though, isn't it? Unless he's only given you one packet.
That's not funny.
Just joking.
(RUBY AND NORMA LAUGH) She's doing my head in.
She's annoying, in't she? Too lively.
It's like having a puppy around the house.
Let's have a game of the "what would you rather".
What would you rather, be itchy all over, like Jules said? Or have Ruby within six foot of you all day.
Laughing like that.
It's not a hard one, is it? Ruby's taking me out.
I'll be back later.
You're going out again? It was hardly worth me bringing you home.
Suppose you want a lift, then, do you? No, it's not necessary.
I mean, you can come with us if you want.
Unless you have something better to do.
Here's one for you.
What would you rather? Would you rather have all your innards, your vital organs, your heart, your liver, your kidneys and all that, in a wheelbarrow, so every time you went out, you had to take this wheelbarrow with you.
Or have, like, really bad toothache all the time? What would you rather? Well, I'd rather you explain to me where Norma is because I thought that was why we were meeting up again, so that I could get to know Norma some more.
I just thought it'd be good if we got to know each other a bit first.
Why? It's Norma who I need to acquaint myself with.
And to be honest, I don't think it went that well the other day.
It did.
It went really well.
Don't worry about it.
It was good.
She's just a bit indecisive, isn't she? She needs some time to get used to the idea.
You know what old people are like, they don't like change.
Hi, Karl! Hey! Jules.
Hi! I'm Ruby, Norma's carer.
Race you to the bridge and back! So she's not THAT indecisive, then, is she? You could have told me on the phone that she'd hired someone else.
Why am I on a pedalo with you? I will be charging you for my time.
That was cringeworthy, wasn't it? You just paid a woman to sit with you on a pedalo.
I could go and pick the pills up for Norma, couldn't I? Show her that I still have my uses.
Ruby said they'd be ready at five.
No point.
Let Ruby get 'em.
That incident with Jules, you reckon that's up there as one of your top five most embarrassing moments? Wasn't that bad.
Wasn't that bad? She made you look a right a dick.
Just eat the biscuit, will you? I know why you're hesitating.
You don't want to eat it because it's been your car seat all night.
And it'll make you feel like a loser if you eat it.
But you're already a loser.
I mean, nobody wants to go out with you.
Norma doesn't want you.
Ruby's nicked your job.
You're just a biscuit-eating cab driver.
That's all you've ever been, That's not true.
I've done other jobs.
I hope you're not including being a paper boy as a kid.
God, you are, aren't you? If you including that, you might as well say you were once a shepherd because you played one in the school nativity play.
Jesus, what a loser.
Just eat your biscuit, you soft twat.
Oh, fuck off! You're having a laugh.
What are you doing? I haven't got two minutes! Shit.
She'll get there before me.
She might have got her cross-country.
But I know my way about.
Even if other people don't think I do.
Hiya.
I'm picking up a prescription for Norma Singer.
OK.
What's your name? Karl.
I'm her nephew.
Ah.
I'm afraid I can't let you collect it.
Why not? Because it needs to be signed for by a carer.
Yeah, I'm her carer.
I live with her.
I'm sorry.
The name we've got is Ruby.
Oh, right.
Is Ruby the official carer? Yeah.
Yeah, she is, yeah.
Hi.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Feeling sick from too many biscuits? No.
Just passing.
Thought I'd pick up Norma's tablets but you're here now, aren't you? They're not in yet.
You could pick them up at the Bramley Road branch.
Is that far? Not sure.
To be honest.
Bramley Road? I know where Bramley Road is.
Do you? Yeah, just off Silchester Avenue.
I could give you a lift if you want.
Oh, really? Oh, that would be great.
Thanks, Karl.
I'll have to go down to Talbot Road cos there's roadworks on Tavistock.
I don't know how you remember all the roads.
Don't use satnav, you know, it's all up here.
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk
Have you nearly finished in there, Norma? Yeah.
Almost done.
Won't be long.
Listen, I'm happy to help you get out if you're struggling.
No, no.
I'm fine.
Listen, I wish you wouldn't lock the door.
If you did slip trying to get out of the bath, what am I supposed to do? Oh, don't be so stupid.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Jules.
Hi, how are you? Yeah, not bad.
You? Yeah, good.
I'm just checking that we're still on.
Yeah, one o'clock, isn't it? Is that still OK with you? Yeah, that works for me.
All right.
And listen, do you want a lift there or are you - Don't worry.
I'll just make my own way there.
All right.
I'll see you there, then.
All right.
Bye.
Yeah, looking forward to it.
Yeah, me too.
OK.
Bye.
See you.
Reckon this Jules could be the one, then? Don't know.
We'll find out, won't we? Change everything, this.
What's she's doing in there? Stop worrying.
You know your hands go wrinkly, when you're in the bath, don't you? Yes.
It's to give you better grip, isn't it? Her hands were wrinkly before her bath.
So in effect she's got double the grip.
Climb the walls like a spider if she wanted to.
Norma, you all right? So here's another one.
What would you rather, be really sticky all over so that every time you touch something, it sticks to you.
Or, you're really itchy.
So like you're constantly wanting to scratch but then when you scratch it, it doesn't go away.
What level of stickiness are we talking about? Is it just a little bit? Is it like when you have an orange and - No, it's much stickier than that.
So I'm basically like a six-foot slug.
I'm just sweating glue.
Not really a slug.
You're stickier than a slug.
It's like you're superglue.
Which one are you going to go for? So I don't know if I'm the sort of person that you're looking for.
But I was just wondering if maybe we should spend a bit more time together to figure out if we want to take it any further.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm up for that.
Yeah.
Yeah, sort of get to know each other.
It makes sense.
Doesn't it, Norma? Well, obviously I'll be meeting a few more carers before I make my decision.
What are the chances of that? Eh? I mean, when I was thinking earlier about how getting a carer in could change your life, I just meant in terms of freeing you up, do you know what I mean? Giving you time to get out there and meet other women.
It didn't even cross my mind that she could be the one for you.
And do you know what's really good? She can't leave you, can she? She can't walk out on you like Zoe did, because she's got responsibility to look after Norma.
It's a win win.
I think that went really well.
Like I said, I don't think you'll find a better carer than Jules.
We'll see.
Hey, Norma! Do you want me to set up another meeting with Jules so you can get to know her a bit more? No.
I don't think she's the one.
I do.
Yeah, but she's not for you, is she? What was all that "Would you rather" nonsense? It wasn't nonsense.
It's a brain exercise, she said.
Get you thinking differently.
There's nothing wrong with my brain.
I just need a little help here and there.
Anyway, I set up a meeting with another carer.
Which one? Ruby.
I took her off the list because she looks too young to be your carer.
Yeah, but she looks like fun.
Anyway, we're going to meet in the park.
Course you are.
Probably where she normally hangs out at her age.
We're meeting in the park cos I told her I enjoy spending time there.
(LAUGHS) Ooh, I have an idea.
OK.
A quick way to get to know each other.
We ask each other any question.
Nothing is off limits, OK? Do you want to go first? OK.
Erm Your first kiss.
Who was it with? I was in primary school, doing a cross-country race and suddenly I see this boy, Joey Debono.
Super-hot guy.
We run into the woods together and have a kiss.
And you know what, Norma, I still managed to win bronze.
Of course.
Now your turn.
Yanni Zimmerman on the banks of the East River.
Ooh! Was he a good kisser? Well, I think so, but I was afraid of getting pregnant.
What, from the kiss? (LAUGHS) Aw! Oh, your turn, Karl.
Who was your first kiss with? Oh, he'd be no good at kissing.
His mouth was always full of biscuits.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, good one, Norma.
Funny that.
(BOTH LAUGHING) So Paul says, "Really?" So funny.
Just hilarious.
So how long have you been living with Karl for? Well, actually, he lives with me.
Oh, Norma, what a wonderful home.
It's just like Antiques Roadshow.
I love old things.
Well, this is the living room.
Oh, look! You look so pretty.
Well, that was taken when I was a dancer.
Ooh.
And who do you think that is? Is itis it Karl? Yes.
Oh, Karl! You look so handsome with hair.
Oh, I'll grow it back, then.
Norma, I'm going to go to work.
See you later, yeah? You know what pisses me off? She didn't even need a carer.
You were doing fine.
Just because she's got a few qualifications.
Is that it? Is that what makes her better than you? What's your job now? Just been relegated to be Norma's driver.
Next right.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
And the next left after that.
Yeah, I know where it is.
Why do they do that? You've been driving for about 20 minutes without any directions.
Suddenly we get close to the destination.
He starts chipping in, telling you which way to go.
Great, isn't it? Norma doesn't think you're up to it.
Now your passengers don't trust you.
Oh, hi, Karl.
I found shitloads of these everywhere.
Are you keeping them for a competition or something? No.
What are you doing? Norma asked me to do some tidying up.
You've got a bit of a sweet tooth, don't you? Yeah.
Listen, this is my room.
Don't come in here.
You're here to look after Norma.
Out of bounds, this.
Whatever you say, boss.
TV: The baby chick pesters its mother for food and attention.
But it is not alone.
An older chick, born three minutes before, is also hungry.
It reveals a dark side and attacks its sibling.
I hate this.
I wish they wouldn't show us this.
It's not going to end well.
You can tell by the presenter's voice.
He's setting up a death here, isn't he? Definitely gonna be dead in a minute, that.
Pisses me off.
The fella who stood there filming it, why didn't he just step in and help? Chuck it a bit of bread, that's all it needs.
Give it a bit of energy, give it a kick-start and it'll be off.
They say they're not allowed.
They have that argument about you can't interfere with nature.
But what are they doing? The fact that they're there, filming this, is interfering with nature.
So what difference does it make? That's all humans do anyway.
We're constantly interfering with nature.
Heart transplants, kidney transplants.
There's even talk about head transplants.
What's that if it's not interfering with nature? Seems like that's all we've evolved to do, isn't it, humans? That's Ruby.
How do you explain what she's doing if she's not interfering? Hello, Cookie Monster.
Right, I think I'm done now.
See you, then.
There's some food left in the fridge.
Just needs to be heated up.
Anything nice? Fish pie.
Just so you know, I'm not a fan of fish pie.
It's not for you, silly.
Like you said, I'm here to take care of Norma.
You all right, Norma? Ruby woke you up? It's OK.
Ah, Ruby, you're still here.
Look, before you go.
I want you know, I've decided I'd like to take you on full time.
Oh, that's wonderful, Norma.
Well, I'd love that.
Karl, would you give Ruby a lift? Well, brilliant.
Well, I'm ready now.
I'm trying to watch this.
Karl.
In a minute.
I'll just watch this.
I just want to see the end bit of this.
Oh, it's just around the corner.
Yeah, I know.
Next on the left.
I know where it is.
I'll see you tomorrow, then.
See you.
I'll come round at ten and take Norma to the doctor's.
You don't have to come so early.
I can run her.
Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
I've been taking her for ages.
OK.
Well, have a good night, then.
Will do.
You got any plans? You know, just the usual, you know, taking care of Norma and that.
You've done your six hours.
I'll do the rest.
Bye.
See you.
Norma told her you don't like fish pie.
That's why she made it.
Fish pie.
Not even proper pie, is it? These are proper pies, look.
Steak, beef, chicken.
No fish pie.
No-one wants fish pie.
It's not even proper pie.
It's just like fish with mash.
No pastry.
And they call it fish pie.
And what's Ruby going on about, saying you've got a sweet tooth? You haven't got a sweet tooth.
It's a sweet tongue.
It's your taste buds that like the biscuits.
She's meant to be medically trained.
Hasn't got a clue how the human body works.
Clueless.
For fuck's sake! Where did it go? (HORN BLARES) Stop messing about with the biscuits, will you? Like a smackhead! Just concentrate on the driving.
Ruby is not going to be happy that you've got rid of the old doorknobs.
She liked the original features.
If she wasn't here I wouldn't need to replace these with ones that lock.
She thinks she's it, don't she? Did you hear her talking to Norma about that race she won? She only got a bronze.
Mind you, I've never won anything, have I? I'd rather win nothing than a bronze.
I mean, gold's good.
Silver's all right but bronze? All the hard work you put in, all the training, getting up early and all that.
And if you come third, you basically win a doorknob for your efforts.
Not worth it.
I'd prefer to get a gift voucher.
Norma, a key for your room.
What's that for? Just a precaution, now we've got Mary Poppins knocking around.
We don't know her from Adam.
Caught in my room earlier.
So just lock your door, will you? You're paranoid.
When I grew up, we didn't have to lock our doors.
That's because you had nowt worth nicking back then.
It's unnecessary.
Well, I think it's unnecessary that you've taken on a full time carer.
I thought I was doing all right looking after you by myself.
What are you looking for? Biscuits.
I thought I left 'em here.
They're in my bedroom.
Are they? It's all right for you to binge on biscuits in the middle of the night.
Have you got the key? I locked them in there to keep them away from you.
Come on, stop messing about.
No, you come on.
I'm going to be late.
I could be there by now if it wasn't for you wasting time.
You know, Ruby and I were talking about your biscuit problem.
What biscuit problem? Well, Ruby told me she used to eat biscuits when she was unhappy and she thinks you're doing the same.
What's what she thinks is it? All right.
So what about the Cookie Monster, then, in Sesame Street? That little fella, what's going on with him? Is he depressed? Has he got issues? No, he just likes cookies because he's the Cookie Monster.
God.
I'd love to know Ruby's take on him.
Well, I think she's got a point.
I think what you really need in your life is a woman.
What's she doing here? I wanted her to meet my doctor.
You can wait here.
Where is it? Definitely under there.
You had in your hand.
You dropped it.
It went down the side and it's gone under there.
It can't be anywhere else Keep looking.
What was all that about, anyway? Ruby saying I'm eating biscuits cos I'm not happy.
What a load of bollocks.
She's from that generation where everything is blown well out of proportion.
Honestly, in Ruby's world, you've only got to scratch your arse and it's classed as self-harming.
What about Norma, then, saying I need a woman? I mean, Jules did cheer me up a bit, didn't she? But that ship's well sailed, hasn't it? If I were you, I'd forget about women and just have relationships with biscuits.
That's what I'd do.
How about that? Tell you what you could do, different biscuit every night of the week.
Eh? play the field a bit, different shapes, sizes, be a bit promiscuous.
The one that dropped down here last night's playing pretty hard to get.
Got it.
I'll save that for later.
Just have a bit now.
Go on.
I know you want to.
Eat it.
I'll pick up your prescription around 5:00.
It should be ready by then.
What have they put you on now? Oh, more pills to add to the list.
Something for my cholesterol.
Oh, honestly, Norma, don't worry about it.
So many people take these.
Yeah, but he said I'm going to be on them for the rest of my life.
That's all right, though, isn't it? Unless he's only given you one packet.
That's not funny.
Just joking.
(RUBY AND NORMA LAUGH) She's doing my head in.
She's annoying, in't she? Too lively.
It's like having a puppy around the house.
Let's have a game of the "what would you rather".
What would you rather, be itchy all over, like Jules said? Or have Ruby within six foot of you all day.
Laughing like that.
It's not a hard one, is it? Ruby's taking me out.
I'll be back later.
You're going out again? It was hardly worth me bringing you home.
Suppose you want a lift, then, do you? No, it's not necessary.
I mean, you can come with us if you want.
Unless you have something better to do.
Here's one for you.
What would you rather? Would you rather have all your innards, your vital organs, your heart, your liver, your kidneys and all that, in a wheelbarrow, so every time you went out, you had to take this wheelbarrow with you.
Or have, like, really bad toothache all the time? What would you rather? Well, I'd rather you explain to me where Norma is because I thought that was why we were meeting up again, so that I could get to know Norma some more.
I just thought it'd be good if we got to know each other a bit first.
Why? It's Norma who I need to acquaint myself with.
And to be honest, I don't think it went that well the other day.
It did.
It went really well.
Don't worry about it.
It was good.
She's just a bit indecisive, isn't she? She needs some time to get used to the idea.
You know what old people are like, they don't like change.
Hi, Karl! Hey! Jules.
Hi! I'm Ruby, Norma's carer.
Race you to the bridge and back! So she's not THAT indecisive, then, is she? You could have told me on the phone that she'd hired someone else.
Why am I on a pedalo with you? I will be charging you for my time.
That was cringeworthy, wasn't it? You just paid a woman to sit with you on a pedalo.
I could go and pick the pills up for Norma, couldn't I? Show her that I still have my uses.
Ruby said they'd be ready at five.
No point.
Let Ruby get 'em.
That incident with Jules, you reckon that's up there as one of your top five most embarrassing moments? Wasn't that bad.
Wasn't that bad? She made you look a right a dick.
Just eat the biscuit, will you? I know why you're hesitating.
You don't want to eat it because it's been your car seat all night.
And it'll make you feel like a loser if you eat it.
But you're already a loser.
I mean, nobody wants to go out with you.
Norma doesn't want you.
Ruby's nicked your job.
You're just a biscuit-eating cab driver.
That's all you've ever been, That's not true.
I've done other jobs.
I hope you're not including being a paper boy as a kid.
God, you are, aren't you? If you including that, you might as well say you were once a shepherd because you played one in the school nativity play.
Jesus, what a loser.
Just eat your biscuit, you soft twat.
Oh, fuck off! You're having a laugh.
What are you doing? I haven't got two minutes! Shit.
She'll get there before me.
She might have got her cross-country.
But I know my way about.
Even if other people don't think I do.
Hiya.
I'm picking up a prescription for Norma Singer.
OK.
What's your name? Karl.
I'm her nephew.
Ah.
I'm afraid I can't let you collect it.
Why not? Because it needs to be signed for by a carer.
Yeah, I'm her carer.
I live with her.
I'm sorry.
The name we've got is Ruby.
Oh, right.
Is Ruby the official carer? Yeah.
Yeah, she is, yeah.
Hi.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Feeling sick from too many biscuits? No.
Just passing.
Thought I'd pick up Norma's tablets but you're here now, aren't you? They're not in yet.
You could pick them up at the Bramley Road branch.
Is that far? Not sure.
To be honest.
Bramley Road? I know where Bramley Road is.
Do you? Yeah, just off Silchester Avenue.
I could give you a lift if you want.
Oh, really? Oh, that would be great.
Thanks, Karl.
I'll have to go down to Talbot Road cos there's roadworks on Tavistock.
I don't know how you remember all the roads.
Don't use satnav, you know, it's all up here.
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