Sick of It (2018) s02e02 Episode Script
The En-Suite
1 NORMA: # Oh, yes, I'm the great pretender # Pretending I'm doing well # My need is such, I pretend too much I'm lonely but no-one can tell All right, come on, Norma.
That's enough now.
Desperate for the toilet here.
And I need a wash.
Got work to do.
RUBY: Sorry, Karl.
We won't be long.
But I haven't done my hair yet.
How about concentrating less on the singing and more on getting your head washed? Just gonna do her hair and we'll be out.
It's ridiculous, this.
You know, people in prison actually have their own toilet.
They don't have to hang around for a piss and shit.
Leave 'em to it.
Use the toilets at work.
Honestly, you'll be waiting here all day otherwise.
Yeah, well, Neil's not here any more.
No, went to Foxy Zumo's.
Yeah, drives a 7 Series now.
He's raking it in, apparently.
Be nice to get into that line of work, wouldn't it? Private driver.
Last month he went to Paris.
He got paid well and they covered his expenses.
Yeah.
Tricky though, because you need a posh car for that sort of thing.
You're skint, aren't you? You haven't got a pot to piss in.
If you did, you wouldn't be stood here.
You all right, Karl? All right? Barry, how many times have I asked you to not empty your piss in the sink? I wash my mug in there.
It's not my fault I've got a weak bladder.
Tell that London Mayor to get some more public toilets built.
What a dirty bastard.
Why can't you just pour it in the drain outside? (ON PHONE) Oh, it's just Baz and his hot water bottle.
He treats it like it's his own portable en suite.
Yeah, you're right.
It is disgusting.
Do you want to borrow it? No, I'll wait.
It's fine.
You sure? Yeah, yeah, definitely.
See you.
Bloody hell, Chris! What've you been eating?! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working here? Hey, Norma.
Check this out.
Look at this.
Oh.
What do you think? Smart, innit? Here, come and get in it.
See how comfy it is.
You're going to love this.
Better than the old car.
Get in there.
Soft leather seats.
Have a feel of them seats.
Soft leather, like being on Mastermind.
Right.
Look at that, straight away.
"Welcome, Karl".
Good innit? Yeah.
Nice.
Well, let me show you this.
What's the weather doing tomorrow? "Expect mostly clear skies starting in the afternoon.
Today's high will be 19 degrees.
" Must be very expensive.
How are you going to pay for all this? I've done all the maths.
It's fine.
500 quid a month I'm paying, lease.
I've already taken on a three-day job that covers that.
So anything else I make is a bonus.
You're taking on a lot of stress for yourself.
Stress isn't always bad, is it? Sometimes you need that to give you a kick, don't you? It's what I'm doing.
Step my game up here.
Yeah, but you're still a cab driver.
Not any more, Norma.
Private driver now.
Totally different clientele.
People with money.
And some of their money's gonna go in my pocket.
Save it up, get my own place, my own toilet.
That's the dream.
You don't need me knocking around any more do you? Cos Ruby's there.
Oh, aye.
I'm well happy.
Hey, I could give you a lift to that choir concert of yours.
Yeah? Yeah.
They'll be rolling out the red carpet when we pull up in this.
The size of the gaff.
How many toilets you reckon they've got in here? Bet the owner's not queuing up for a piss, is he? Work hard enough, you could have something like this one day.
Why are you looking so nervous? Done this job for years.
Yeah, but this is different now.
I'm used to picking up people who are going shopping in their slippers.
I don't normally deal with this sort of crowd.
Good point.
Oh, here he is.
Yeah.
He's loaded, isn't he? Risks pertaining to growth strategies involve investment risks as well as the risks of not investing.
Yeah, a £30 million investment is a huge amount of money.
But in my opinion 30 million? Tell you what.
Once you get to know him, should have a chat with him about that £500 you've got tucked away.
These people know how to make your money work for you while you sleep.
Instead of having sleepless nights worrying about money like you do.
Look, for us to achieve sustainable growth, we have to manage risks.
I agree with you, but.
What's he going on about? I can't talk about this any more.
I've arrived at my meeting.
All right, I'll speak to you later.
Bye.
(CLEARS THROAT) He's waiting for you to open the door.
How long's he going to be? Don't know.
I'm not sure about them.
Proper leather, you know.
I don't give a shit what they are.
You look like Alvin Stardust.
Give me better grip.
What do you need better grip for? Is the steering wheel made out of eels? What do you Honestly, get them off.
You look like a right ponce.
Welcome.
I see you have the new BMW 7 series.
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Well, there's secure parking in the basement as an optional add-on.
The whole apartment can be controlled from your smartphone at the press of a button.
You can have it ready for when you return from your business trips.
Heating, lighting, the blinds.
You programme it to the comfort setting you prefer.
Smart.
Instant hot water tap as standard.
No more waiting for kettles to boil.
That's good.
Do you like coffee? Er, yeah.
Flat white's on its way.
There are three bedrooms, two doubles, one master, all en suite.
Three bathrooms.
It's got everything I need.
Your coffee? Oh, cheers.
Careful.
It'll be hot.
Not a problem.
Cheers.
Yeah, thanks for the tour.
I'll take the paperwork and look at the numbers.
Oh, shit.
Listen, I've got to go.
I'll be in touch.
Sorry.
Just been to get you a coffee.
There you go.
Come on.
Jesus Christ.
So what do you think? We've got the slowest kettle ever.
That's what I think.
No, no.
About the outfit.
You still got the receipt? Why can't you ever give me a compliment? Yeah.
Looks all right, yeah.
I think I prefer this one.
Wear that, then.
Yeah, but I don't have a hat to match.
Wear the other one, then.
But you don't like the other one.
I didn't say that.
Why are you being so snappy? It's been a long day.
I'm hungry.
I'd just like to sit down and have my dinner.
I think you were happier in your old job.
(KETTLE CLICKS OFF) At last.
Do you want to come in and watch the rehearsal? No, I'll hear you when you do the proper show, won't I? OK.
Can you stop messing about with the buttons, please? What does this do? Well, it doesn't matter.
You're getting juice everywhere.
Can you not eat in my car, please? It's only a peach.
Yeah, it's only a peach today.
Then about tomorrow? You'll be chopping up a watermelon in the back.
Same applies with juices and stuff as well, Norma.
That's a fizzy drink.
You're going to get it everywhere.
You didn't have a problem with me drinking in the other car.
Yeah.
Well, I want to keep this nice and tidy, don't I? Is that so bad? I just want to have something nice in my life.
Oh, look at this! Wow.
What Where did that come from? Put it back, will you? What's the point of having a flask in the car if you can't drink in the car? Just put it away, will you? Don't be so heavy-handed with it.
You're going to break it.
I'm not going to break it.
You are going to break it.
(PHONE CHIMES) Shh! Mr Sharma's calling.
Hello, Mr Sharma.
"Can you come over now?" I'll come over straight away, sir.
Ooh! Straight away, sir.
Doesn't sound very friendly.
He's all right, actually.
He certainly don't turn up and start having a picnic in my car.
I'll have to drop you off here.
We're gonna be late for choir practice now.
I told you, I can't come to the temple with you.
Morning, Mr Sharma.
Papa, you're not listening to me.
I'm just about to close a deal.
Get down, get down.
Hey! Get down there, you little shit.
Has that thing got eyes, or what? Which way is it facing? Drooling all over the leather.
You could use that dog to mop it up by the look of it.
Right, stay there, then.
Do not move.
Stay.
(DOG PANTS) Stay there.
How about this one? Yeah, it's all right, that.
It has to be more than all right for the fundraiser.
Do you think it's the right colour on me? Yeah, it's all right.
Will you stop saying all right? No, when I say it's all right, I mean, it's, it's nice.
I wanted to get my hair done.
I don't know if Sergio is free.
It's probably the light in here, isn't it? So you're agreeing with me, my hair doesn't look good? Listen, something that my auntie does.
She's got, like, really sort of thin, fine hair, and if she's going to a fancy event, she sticks a hat on her head.
Are you saying my hair's thin? Is that your answer? Just cover up as much as possible? Are you an idiot? Look at you.
You told Norma that you didn't know anything about women's clothing last night.
It's all part of the service, innit? I've got to learn to be more than just a driver.
Yeah, but you are not the man to give fashion and hair advice.
You like wearing leather driving gloves and have the world's widest centre parting.
Come here! Oh, you're joking.
(PHONE CHIMES) God's sake.
Hello, Mr Sharma.
Yeah.
You need to drive me to a hotel in the New Forest tomorrow.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm free to do that.
You're gonna have to stay over.
That's no problem whatsoever.
Yeah.
Be a pleasure.
I'll book you in.
All right.
See you later.
Bye.
Yes.
(DOOR OPENS) Another long day? Yeah, but I'm earning more money, aren't I? So I don't mind.
It's all good.
Here you are.
Got you a gift.
Got you a hat to go with that dress you want to wear for the concert.
Oh, isn't that thoughtful? Nice, innit? Mr Sharma gave you homework to do? No, it's the itinerary for tomorrow.
Taking him to this fundraiser, at a country house hotel.
Get this.
He's only paid for a room for me to stay there.
No queuing up for the toilet that morning.
It says you're picking him up at 3:00.
That's right.
Yeah.
You're gonna miss my concert.
You said you were going to be there.
But that's before this cropped up.
I'm needed by Mr Sharma.
It's nice that you bought me something, but I'd prefer that you be there.
Well, Ruby's gonna be there.
If you worried about how you're gonna get there, I'll pay for a cab.
I don't know what you want.
I wanted you to be at the concert.
Mr Sharma? Mm? I don't know if I'm stepping out of line or not here, but I've got 500 that I'd like to invest in something and I don't really know where to start.
If possible, it'd be good to have a chat at some point, you know, just find out what my options are.
You know, if and when you're free, that is.
Er, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Dress looks nice.
Really.
Not just all right? You look at that.
And you haven't looked at me once after all the That's not true, darling.
Even the driver said I looked good.
Mr and Mrs Sharma, it's the main suite.
I don't know why you bring me.
You never talk to me at these things.
I don't know why either.
All you do is nag.
OK, if that's how you feel, I'm going to spend the night in my room.
What? I'm not coming to your dinner.
Miya! Miya! Hiya.
I should have a room.
I'm Mr Sharma's driver.
Sorry, nothing showing up.
Are you sure you're staying here? Yeah, definitely.
No.
Made a mistake.
Sorry.
Not as nice as the place you should have been staying, is it? But at least you've got your own toilet over there.
(FLY BUZZES) For fuck's sake! The view's amazing.
You won't have time to be looking out the window.
Busy working to pay for the place.
It's got three toilets.
And what do you need three toilets for? You've only got one arse.
I know you're impressed with that instant hot water tap.
But if you haven't got two minutes to wait for a kettle to boil, you haven't really got time to have a cup of tea, have you? It's all nonsense.
You don't need any of it.
Jesus Christ.
(PHONE CHIMES) Does he ever stop working? Hello, Mr Sharma.
Something's cropped up.
Can you collect me? OK.
Mr Sharma, where do you want to go? Come here, you.
Mr Sharma? It's Room 13.
Mr Sharma? What? About my £500 savings? £500?! I thought you were talking about £500,000.
Quickest way for you to double your money is to fold it in half.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (RAIN DRUMMING) Jesus.
What's the weather doing? "It's currently clear and 26 degrees in Hampshire, England.
" Shut up.
(UNZIPS) (TINKLING) (PHONE CHIMES) RUBY: Hey, Karl.
You're really missing out.
Wish you were here.
# .
.
pretending that I'm doing well My need is such, I (PHONE CHIMES) Hello, Mr Sharma.
Can't you see it's raining? Come to the door.
Whoa, yes, I'm the great pretender AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk
That's enough now.
Desperate for the toilet here.
And I need a wash.
Got work to do.
RUBY: Sorry, Karl.
We won't be long.
But I haven't done my hair yet.
How about concentrating less on the singing and more on getting your head washed? Just gonna do her hair and we'll be out.
It's ridiculous, this.
You know, people in prison actually have their own toilet.
They don't have to hang around for a piss and shit.
Leave 'em to it.
Use the toilets at work.
Honestly, you'll be waiting here all day otherwise.
Yeah, well, Neil's not here any more.
No, went to Foxy Zumo's.
Yeah, drives a 7 Series now.
He's raking it in, apparently.
Be nice to get into that line of work, wouldn't it? Private driver.
Last month he went to Paris.
He got paid well and they covered his expenses.
Yeah.
Tricky though, because you need a posh car for that sort of thing.
You're skint, aren't you? You haven't got a pot to piss in.
If you did, you wouldn't be stood here.
You all right, Karl? All right? Barry, how many times have I asked you to not empty your piss in the sink? I wash my mug in there.
It's not my fault I've got a weak bladder.
Tell that London Mayor to get some more public toilets built.
What a dirty bastard.
Why can't you just pour it in the drain outside? (ON PHONE) Oh, it's just Baz and his hot water bottle.
He treats it like it's his own portable en suite.
Yeah, you're right.
It is disgusting.
Do you want to borrow it? No, I'll wait.
It's fine.
You sure? Yeah, yeah, definitely.
See you.
Bloody hell, Chris! What've you been eating?! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working here? Hey, Norma.
Check this out.
Look at this.
Oh.
What do you think? Smart, innit? Here, come and get in it.
See how comfy it is.
You're going to love this.
Better than the old car.
Get in there.
Soft leather seats.
Have a feel of them seats.
Soft leather, like being on Mastermind.
Right.
Look at that, straight away.
"Welcome, Karl".
Good innit? Yeah.
Nice.
Well, let me show you this.
What's the weather doing tomorrow? "Expect mostly clear skies starting in the afternoon.
Today's high will be 19 degrees.
" Must be very expensive.
How are you going to pay for all this? I've done all the maths.
It's fine.
500 quid a month I'm paying, lease.
I've already taken on a three-day job that covers that.
So anything else I make is a bonus.
You're taking on a lot of stress for yourself.
Stress isn't always bad, is it? Sometimes you need that to give you a kick, don't you? It's what I'm doing.
Step my game up here.
Yeah, but you're still a cab driver.
Not any more, Norma.
Private driver now.
Totally different clientele.
People with money.
And some of their money's gonna go in my pocket.
Save it up, get my own place, my own toilet.
That's the dream.
You don't need me knocking around any more do you? Cos Ruby's there.
Oh, aye.
I'm well happy.
Hey, I could give you a lift to that choir concert of yours.
Yeah? Yeah.
They'll be rolling out the red carpet when we pull up in this.
The size of the gaff.
How many toilets you reckon they've got in here? Bet the owner's not queuing up for a piss, is he? Work hard enough, you could have something like this one day.
Why are you looking so nervous? Done this job for years.
Yeah, but this is different now.
I'm used to picking up people who are going shopping in their slippers.
I don't normally deal with this sort of crowd.
Good point.
Oh, here he is.
Yeah.
He's loaded, isn't he? Risks pertaining to growth strategies involve investment risks as well as the risks of not investing.
Yeah, a £30 million investment is a huge amount of money.
But in my opinion 30 million? Tell you what.
Once you get to know him, should have a chat with him about that £500 you've got tucked away.
These people know how to make your money work for you while you sleep.
Instead of having sleepless nights worrying about money like you do.
Look, for us to achieve sustainable growth, we have to manage risks.
I agree with you, but.
What's he going on about? I can't talk about this any more.
I've arrived at my meeting.
All right, I'll speak to you later.
Bye.
(CLEARS THROAT) He's waiting for you to open the door.
How long's he going to be? Don't know.
I'm not sure about them.
Proper leather, you know.
I don't give a shit what they are.
You look like Alvin Stardust.
Give me better grip.
What do you need better grip for? Is the steering wheel made out of eels? What do you Honestly, get them off.
You look like a right ponce.
Welcome.
I see you have the new BMW 7 series.
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Well, there's secure parking in the basement as an optional add-on.
The whole apartment can be controlled from your smartphone at the press of a button.
You can have it ready for when you return from your business trips.
Heating, lighting, the blinds.
You programme it to the comfort setting you prefer.
Smart.
Instant hot water tap as standard.
No more waiting for kettles to boil.
That's good.
Do you like coffee? Er, yeah.
Flat white's on its way.
There are three bedrooms, two doubles, one master, all en suite.
Three bathrooms.
It's got everything I need.
Your coffee? Oh, cheers.
Careful.
It'll be hot.
Not a problem.
Cheers.
Yeah, thanks for the tour.
I'll take the paperwork and look at the numbers.
Oh, shit.
Listen, I've got to go.
I'll be in touch.
Sorry.
Just been to get you a coffee.
There you go.
Come on.
Jesus Christ.
So what do you think? We've got the slowest kettle ever.
That's what I think.
No, no.
About the outfit.
You still got the receipt? Why can't you ever give me a compliment? Yeah.
Looks all right, yeah.
I think I prefer this one.
Wear that, then.
Yeah, but I don't have a hat to match.
Wear the other one, then.
But you don't like the other one.
I didn't say that.
Why are you being so snappy? It's been a long day.
I'm hungry.
I'd just like to sit down and have my dinner.
I think you were happier in your old job.
(KETTLE CLICKS OFF) At last.
Do you want to come in and watch the rehearsal? No, I'll hear you when you do the proper show, won't I? OK.
Can you stop messing about with the buttons, please? What does this do? Well, it doesn't matter.
You're getting juice everywhere.
Can you not eat in my car, please? It's only a peach.
Yeah, it's only a peach today.
Then about tomorrow? You'll be chopping up a watermelon in the back.
Same applies with juices and stuff as well, Norma.
That's a fizzy drink.
You're going to get it everywhere.
You didn't have a problem with me drinking in the other car.
Yeah.
Well, I want to keep this nice and tidy, don't I? Is that so bad? I just want to have something nice in my life.
Oh, look at this! Wow.
What Where did that come from? Put it back, will you? What's the point of having a flask in the car if you can't drink in the car? Just put it away, will you? Don't be so heavy-handed with it.
You're going to break it.
I'm not going to break it.
You are going to break it.
(PHONE CHIMES) Shh! Mr Sharma's calling.
Hello, Mr Sharma.
"Can you come over now?" I'll come over straight away, sir.
Ooh! Straight away, sir.
Doesn't sound very friendly.
He's all right, actually.
He certainly don't turn up and start having a picnic in my car.
I'll have to drop you off here.
We're gonna be late for choir practice now.
I told you, I can't come to the temple with you.
Morning, Mr Sharma.
Papa, you're not listening to me.
I'm just about to close a deal.
Get down, get down.
Hey! Get down there, you little shit.
Has that thing got eyes, or what? Which way is it facing? Drooling all over the leather.
You could use that dog to mop it up by the look of it.
Right, stay there, then.
Do not move.
Stay.
(DOG PANTS) Stay there.
How about this one? Yeah, it's all right, that.
It has to be more than all right for the fundraiser.
Do you think it's the right colour on me? Yeah, it's all right.
Will you stop saying all right? No, when I say it's all right, I mean, it's, it's nice.
I wanted to get my hair done.
I don't know if Sergio is free.
It's probably the light in here, isn't it? So you're agreeing with me, my hair doesn't look good? Listen, something that my auntie does.
She's got, like, really sort of thin, fine hair, and if she's going to a fancy event, she sticks a hat on her head.
Are you saying my hair's thin? Is that your answer? Just cover up as much as possible? Are you an idiot? Look at you.
You told Norma that you didn't know anything about women's clothing last night.
It's all part of the service, innit? I've got to learn to be more than just a driver.
Yeah, but you are not the man to give fashion and hair advice.
You like wearing leather driving gloves and have the world's widest centre parting.
Come here! Oh, you're joking.
(PHONE CHIMES) God's sake.
Hello, Mr Sharma.
Yeah.
You need to drive me to a hotel in the New Forest tomorrow.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm free to do that.
You're gonna have to stay over.
That's no problem whatsoever.
Yeah.
Be a pleasure.
I'll book you in.
All right.
See you later.
Bye.
Yes.
(DOOR OPENS) Another long day? Yeah, but I'm earning more money, aren't I? So I don't mind.
It's all good.
Here you are.
Got you a gift.
Got you a hat to go with that dress you want to wear for the concert.
Oh, isn't that thoughtful? Nice, innit? Mr Sharma gave you homework to do? No, it's the itinerary for tomorrow.
Taking him to this fundraiser, at a country house hotel.
Get this.
He's only paid for a room for me to stay there.
No queuing up for the toilet that morning.
It says you're picking him up at 3:00.
That's right.
Yeah.
You're gonna miss my concert.
You said you were going to be there.
But that's before this cropped up.
I'm needed by Mr Sharma.
It's nice that you bought me something, but I'd prefer that you be there.
Well, Ruby's gonna be there.
If you worried about how you're gonna get there, I'll pay for a cab.
I don't know what you want.
I wanted you to be at the concert.
Mr Sharma? Mm? I don't know if I'm stepping out of line or not here, but I've got 500 that I'd like to invest in something and I don't really know where to start.
If possible, it'd be good to have a chat at some point, you know, just find out what my options are.
You know, if and when you're free, that is.
Er, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Dress looks nice.
Really.
Not just all right? You look at that.
And you haven't looked at me once after all the That's not true, darling.
Even the driver said I looked good.
Mr and Mrs Sharma, it's the main suite.
I don't know why you bring me.
You never talk to me at these things.
I don't know why either.
All you do is nag.
OK, if that's how you feel, I'm going to spend the night in my room.
What? I'm not coming to your dinner.
Miya! Miya! Hiya.
I should have a room.
I'm Mr Sharma's driver.
Sorry, nothing showing up.
Are you sure you're staying here? Yeah, definitely.
No.
Made a mistake.
Sorry.
Not as nice as the place you should have been staying, is it? But at least you've got your own toilet over there.
(FLY BUZZES) For fuck's sake! The view's amazing.
You won't have time to be looking out the window.
Busy working to pay for the place.
It's got three toilets.
And what do you need three toilets for? You've only got one arse.
I know you're impressed with that instant hot water tap.
But if you haven't got two minutes to wait for a kettle to boil, you haven't really got time to have a cup of tea, have you? It's all nonsense.
You don't need any of it.
Jesus Christ.
(PHONE CHIMES) Does he ever stop working? Hello, Mr Sharma.
Something's cropped up.
Can you collect me? OK.
Mr Sharma, where do you want to go? Come here, you.
Mr Sharma? It's Room 13.
Mr Sharma? What? About my £500 savings? £500?! I thought you were talking about £500,000.
Quickest way for you to double your money is to fold it in half.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (RAIN DRUMMING) Jesus.
What's the weather doing? "It's currently clear and 26 degrees in Hampshire, England.
" Shut up.
(UNZIPS) (TINKLING) (PHONE CHIMES) RUBY: Hey, Karl.
You're really missing out.
Wish you were here.
# .
.
pretending that I'm doing well My need is such, I (PHONE CHIMES) Hello, Mr Sharma.
Can't you see it's raining? Come to the door.
Whoa, yes, I'm the great pretender AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk