Silicon Valley (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Teambuilding Exercise

1 - - (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (KNOCKS) (LOCK CLICKING) I know it's the middle of the night.
I really just need five minutes of your time.
Okay.
- Holy shit.
What happened? - (DOOR CLOSES) - I was working through some issues.
- (GLASS CRUNCHING) Mind the glass.
What the fuck is this? It's a license for your peer-to-peer computer communication patent.
It's It's very standard stuff.
Essentially, in exchange for your patent, you would get a royalty and equity in the new company that I'm starting up.
So if you just, uh, sign there by the Post-It note, and I will take it and leave, and you will never see me again.
Are you joking? Uh, well, I guess we could hang out.
Richard, stop talking.
(EMOTIONALLY) I was just ousted from my own company, a company I built from the ground up.
My legacy is in ashes.
Oh.
Come on, I wouldn't I wouldn't say that.
Well, The Wall Street Journal said that.
I lost everything because of something you did, and you're here at 3:00 a.
m.
asking me for a favor? Really? You're a mean person, Richard.
Do you know that? You are a bad guy.
No.
No, no, no.
I wouldn't say that.
I think, maybe, what's happening is that you're just not understanding the technology I'm trying to build here.
Oh, so now I'm stupid, too? I know what the technology is, Richard.
I have a patent on it.
What the fuck is a matter with you? So you're not gonna sign it? No, I'm not gonna sign this! Jesus! You're a fucking sadist, you know that? You're demented! I'm almost tempted to let you have a run at it just to watch you waste your fucking time.
This technology did not work when Peter theorized it, and it doesn't work now.
It-It, um It actually does work now.
- It does.
- Oh, really? When did the laws of physics change? When I exceeded the theoretical limit of compression at TechCrunch.
- You were there.
- I know I was there! Thank you for bringing up that very painful memory! Okay.
Can I Can I just - What? - draw on this? Sure, why not? It's shattered, just like I am.
I read Peter's notes, all of them, and he knew that a peer-to-peer Internet was possible in the future, but he was also basing that on, what, old desktop computers.
He never, ever foresaw the ubiquity or power of all of our modern-day smartphones.
He was also dealing with a completely different Weissman limit.
So uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
What is that? Is that number correct? The delta in mean device efficiency? Yeah, it is.
See, eventually, over time, this will render every server that Hooli operates obsolete, which would make Jack Barker shit himself.
- Holy shit! - You know what? Actually, I'm gonna (CHUCKLES) Welcome to the future, Gavin.
Whoa! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Son of a bitch! - I I'm sorry.
MONICA: Wow, Dinesh, this front-end design looks great.
- Thank you.
- Nice work.
What's in that? That is a burrito for the test.
- Good to know.
- Oh.
Let him have it.
Gilfoyle thought he was too good to work on SeeFood, and now he's about to lose a fortune.
Okay.
Ready for test.
After you, milady.
Oh, this is weird.
Mia just texted me "Good luck with the demo.
" Did any of you guys tell her about this? Your hacker girlfriend wouldn't happen to know the model of our router, would she? Yeah, actually, she complimented your choice.
Why didn't you say anything? Why would I tell you she said something nice about you? - Damn it.
- (BURRITO THUDS) We have to assume she's everywhere.
Okay.
It's ready.
Please, God.
What would you say if I told you there is an app on the ma We're past that part! Just demo it.
Okay.
Let's start with a hot dog.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) (CHIMES) - Oh shit.
- (DINESH LAUGHS) - ERLICH: Yes! Oh! - MONICA: It works.
- ERLICH: Motherfuck! - Huzzah! Jian-Yang, my beautiful little Asiatic friend, I'm going to buy you the palapa of your life.
We will have 12 posts, braided palm leaves.
You'll never feel exposed again.
I'm gonna be rich.
Fuck you, Gilfoyle.
- Do pizza.
- Yes, do pizza.
- Yeah.
- JARED: Do pizza.
- Pizza.
- (PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) (BEEPS) MONICA: "Not hot dog"? - Wait.
What the fuck? - Huh? That's that's it? It only does hot dogs? No, and "not hot dog.
" - (LAUGHING) - Give me that.
Give it to me.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) (SIGHS) Jian-Yang.
Motherfuck.
I gave you the ability to spin gold, and instead, you've spun pubic hair - with shit in it, and gravel and corn - Hold on, hold on.
Jian-Yang's actually put together a pretty good classifier.
You know? I mean, the core tech is valid.
It just It just needs to be trained.
So, what he did for hot dogs, he needs to repeat for every food in existence? No, that's very boring work.
That's scraping the Internet for thousands of food pictures.
You can you can hire someone else.
We can't, because we just spent a big fat stack of cash on little Dinesh over here.
And there are other expenses legal, marketing, operating fees, those goddamn AWS charges.
Fucking Bezos.
(INHALES DEEPLY) And so, we do not have the funds to hire scut workers to do your scraping for you.
And thus, you will scrape the Internet.
You and you alone.
I'm sorry, the time to back out was before you signed the term sheet.
I'm gonna tell Laurie that this was a smashing success.
Go make it one.
Erlich was right.
You are a white witch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
RICHARD: Good.
Yes, you are all here.
Um, I think it's probably time we all had a chat.
About what? Well, I'm pretty sure you're all wondering where I've been.
You were gone? Yes, I was gone all week.
I saw you come out of the shower yesterday.
Okay.
Well, obviously, I've been sleeping here at night, but I've been gone during the day.
Pretty sure that shower was in the morning.
That's part of the day, Richard.
Okay, Gilfoyle, I-I I've been sleeping here at night, and then I've been here for some mornings, but I'm I've left the house during the day.
We all leave the house during the day, Richard.
That's not weird.
I went to get coffee this morning.
Yeah, I went to the dispensary, and then I'd smoked the weed before I got home, so I went back to the dispensary.
You know what? I just realized I haven't left the house in six days.
Now that's worth exploring.
RICHARD: Okay, I get it.
Look.
Every day this week, I have been - (CLEARS THROAT) at Gavin Belson's house.
- What? Gavin has offered to go into business together.
(LAUGHS) But, look, I just came there for the patent, and he was the one who wanted to be full partners.
(LAUGHING) What did you say? We talked about it, and we agreed that it would be the best thing to do.
Oh, good Lord.
Richard no.
Guys, look, I have the patent.
I also have funding and real, genuine insight to the whole thing.
Let's not forget here that Gavin is a co-founder of a bajillion-dollar tech company.
Are you out of your fucking mind? When you don the skin of the beast, the man within dies.
What is that? Nietzsche? One of the boys at my group home always said that.
He died.
You're not pulling Dinesh off SeeFood.
And I am not leaving SeeFood to go work for Gavin fucking Belson.
- I'm not asking you to.
- You're not? Guys, do you not remember the last time we talked about us all working with Gavin Belson? Gilfoyle, you told me to chortle your balls, and everybody else walked out of the room.
I know how much you hate him, which is exactly why I told Gavin if we were gonna do this thing, that you guys wouldn't be coming with.
So we have hired a recruiter to find people to replace you guys.
Even me? Uh, well, no.
You don't really need to be replaced.
True, I can't be replaced.
Well, when you left video chat, you did keep the rights to the algorithm, so I mean, it's weird, but I guess it's really none of our business.
It's my fucking business.
I now own ten percent Five percent, actually.
- What? - Ten percent of my half of the company is five percent.
But, I mean, look, your shares are gonna be worth a whole lot more than they ever would, now with the patent and Gavin being involved, so So then we're all good here, I guess, right? I think that's right.
Weird.
All right.
Well, thanks for understanding.
Uh, you're welcome.
(DOOR CLOSES) I don't think we need to be afraid of the Wi-Fi.
It's pronounced "wifey," and clearly you don't understand the threat level of the person that you're sexually disappointing.
We're going hardwire.
What about for my phone? You mean the thing that tracks your movement and every interaction you have? Literally, your fingerprint? The second you're on Wi-Fi, it's like you're leaving her alone with your phone.
So, actually leaving her alone with my phone that would be bad? You fucking idiot.
I was in the bathroom.
For how long? A while.
- (MAN LAUGHS) - Really? Who's that? (CHATTING, LAUGHING) Oh, Richard's meeting with Brett Saxby.
GILFOYLE: From Hooli? Formerly.
The recruiter sent him over.
He's interviewing him for head of engineering.
Why? That guy sucks.
Why is Richard in there with Brett Saxby? I mean, he was in Gavin's inner circle.
Is Richard aware of that? Is anyone taking notes? Does Richard even have a pen? - That is so funny.
- (LAUGHS) It's 10:00 a.
m.
Why are they drinking beer? Because he sucks.
Did Dick say who else he was meeting with? The recruiter sent him a whole big list right there.
Gonna be late for class.
Ooh, how's that going? Oh, it's okay.
I'm just a little nervous I might run out of material soon.
We already watched the Facebook movie, A.
I.
, The Net, and half of Tron.
Which Tron? What? No.
Tron.
There's two Trons.
Oh, shit.
That's awesome.
It should get me through another week.
Thanks.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) This entire list is a shit show of shitheads.
Why would Richard trust a recruiter to source him recruits? It doesn't make sense.
- Huh.
- What? You guys seem like super invested in who Richard hires to work with Gavin Belson, that's all.
Are you insinuating jealousy? This is just concern for Richard's vision.
Mm-hmm.
If Richard wants to saddle himself with mediocrity go for it.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - You did not.
I swear to God, bro.
I swear to God.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Next time you bust out the old Sea-Doo, give me a call.
Good.
Guys, you know Brett.
Nope.
Uh, it's great to meet you guys.
We've met.
Uh, okay.
Well, it has been a pleasure.
I shall walk you to your car.
- All right.
Uh, After me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) JARED: I hate him.
Gentlemen, I just paid the palapa contractor.
The palapa piper, so to speak.
The dream is a reality.
We'll no longer be exposed to the elements.
Hey, Erlich.
You wanna guess who's on this list of availables that Richard just got from his recruiter? Who? Your boy, Jian-Yang.
- What? - What? Jian-Yang! You already have a fucking job, Jian-Yang.
You have to finish SeeFood.
Now get to food scraping.
I fucking hate SeeFood.
I have to look at different hot dogs.
There's Chinese hot dogs, Polish hot dogs, Jewish hot dogs.
It fucking stupid.
Well, here.
Here's one more for you.
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) See? "Hot dog.
" It doesn't even fucking work right.
Then you should hire someone using company money, not build a roof over nothing.
The palapa was budgeted for, Jian-Yang.
That's what you do when you get funding, you upscale your workspace to help with recruiting.
You just said you recruit no one.
Because we spent all the money on upscaling.
Why Why is this so confusing? You're stealing.
If you can steal, I can quit.
I have meetings at Periscope, Airbnb.
Good companies.
(EMPHATICALLY) The fuck you do.
We still have $150,000 of Raviga's money left.
That's three months of burn.
So, until we are dick up and flat broke, this is your life.
Get to it.
This is no life.
I want to live.
Erase that dick picture.
You've got mail.
KATHLEEN: Yes.
JOE: Those are very powerful words.
Sorry.
No, no.
It's okay.
Your phone has technology inside it, so you're double-learning.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING) Tell u one thing and u better not Jian-Yang, what in the good fuck is that? It's called business expense.
Tired of all these pocket watchers, niggas - You buy a hut.
- (MUSIC STOPS) I buy a car.
You say, "Keep doing SeeFood until money is gone.
" Now, the money is gone.
Dick is up.
Where'd you get those sunglasses? Did they come with the car? These are from your mom.
Listen, Jian-Yang, you can't just blow the rest of our runway on a Corvette.
- (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (SHOUTS) Who's gonna scrape the Internet? Twelve-speaker sound system.
It's very loud, very expensive.
Over there looking at me like mase now Touch and tease me like case now (TIRES SCREECH) Just bring it on back when u back around Niggas talk worse than bitches So u gotta watch who you kick it wit The fuck was that? Oh, just three months of runway being driven off by 90 pounds of asshole.
Spoken by a 280-pound pile of shit.
The fuck are you gonna do now? Professor Bighetti, a word if you please? - Richard - (DOOR CLOSES) I know it's none of my business but I worked with that Brett Saxby fellow at Hooli.
He's a talented engineer, but in an office environment, he can be both tardy and fresh.
Uh, I'm I'm not hiring him.
He uses spaces not tabs.
I see.
Okay.
Well, that's a relief.
But, Richard, what about the next Brett Saxby? Or the Brett Saxby after that? And even if you vet them all, you are still in a room with Gavin.
So? We're partners.
What's your point? He and his his posse of of bandits and cutthroats will turn on you in a second.
You need me the half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back.
I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches.
I'll kill them with knives.
I'll kill them with guns.
I'll kill them with my hands.
I'll talk them into suicide.
It doesn't matter.
All right, Jared, I I think what you're asking is you want a job? If you think you can find a place for me - Yeah, of course, Jared.
- Yeah? You're more than welcome to work on this.
But just to be clear, you're not gonna stab anyone, are you? (LAUGHING) Oh, it feels good to laugh.
(SIGHS, CHUCKLES) So So, that's a no then? (LAUGHING) Richard.
(DOOR CLOSES) So, we're not gonna finish the movie? Yeah, sorry, but my colleague here was pretty adamant that a better use of class time might be to learn while accomplishing something.
Now take one, pass it all the way down.
We're supposed to scrape the Internet for thousands of food images? Yeah.
So you'll find, like, five or 30,000 pictures of your food, and then put them in a folder with that food's name on it.
And it's good if you get, like, weird angles or lighting of your food.
So it should be pretty fun.
So we're gathering training data to run through a convolutional neural net.
Like an image classifier? Who wants broccoli? Broccolini for the ladies? Broccoli.
Just so you know, this does not mean I don't trust her.
I'm just doing this so you'll, like, shut up and leave me alone.
(WHISPERS) Mia, if you're listening, you're so pretty.
Oh, you're both headed to Gavin's? Indeed we are.
Together again.
Butch Cassidy and his head of business development.
RICHARD: Oh, wow, another Western reference.
Yaw! (LAUGHS) Let's go.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - You know, he'd hire you, too.
- What? All you have to do is admit that you want the job.
And, like, get down on your knees and beg.
Says the guy who's romancing a woman through a phone that isn't even on.
A woman that he described to me in private as a skinny little fuck factory.
Oh, no, I didn't.
God.
Mia, I would never do that.
GAVIN: Richard, Brett Saxby ran my data analytics team for three years.
Respectfully, I think passing on him is a mistake.
Yes.
Well, uh, I met with Brett Saxby, - and, um to be honest - (THUDS) (WORKERS CHATTERING) To be honest, I don't I don't think he's our man.
Fair enough.
There are plenty of good alternatives on this list.
Although, I'm a little confused by your notes on some of these people.
"David Burnham.
Annoying slob, fucked-up face.
I could write better Python with my asshole.
" You know what? I think I think you have my list.
Yes, I have a very weird shorthand.
Yeah.
Okay, next.
Becca Th No, guys, that goes in the the sunroom.
I'll show you.
All right.
Back in a flash.
Come this way, gentlemen.
Here.
God, there are pages of graphic insults here.
Fucking Gilfoyle.
Right? Richard, would you be open to having Gilfoyle on the team? Well, yeah, of course.
I mean, I'd hire him in a second, but he'd never do it.
Richard, Gilfoyle is a man of intense pride.
So, when he refers to a potential employee as a "pig-faced fuck nose," what I hear is "I need to be needed.
" Well, what I hear is "pig-faced fuck nose.
" Exactly.
I mean, Gilfoyle's insults are normally well crafted, almost poetic.
Last week, he referred to me as "Frankenstein's bulimic daughter.
" Yeah, I get what you mean.
(SCOFFS) So what do you want me to do, Jared, beg him? Well, I I think a little outreach would be in the company's best interest.
Really? "Butt-dick"? The man's in pain.
Hey, I know this system is super confusing, but we don't see any completed assignments.
Cut the shit.
Where's the work? Well, we all got to talking the other day after class.
We couldn't figure out if you were, like, a TA or why you were giving us assignments, but we all agreed we didn't like the way that you were speaking to Professor Bighetti.
I'm used to it.
So we searched your name on PitchBook, and that SeeFood app you got funded at Raviga popped up.
PitchBook? How do you have access to PitchBook? Your idea was so simple.
It was like something you could come up with in the room during a meeting.
Which is what Garrett from Coleman Blair told us at the CS undergrad mixer on Friday.
GARRETT: Hey, Erlich.
Here I am.
Class of '06.
- Go Cardinal.
- Go Cardinal.
Anyways, we founded our own Shazam-for-food company, - and he's funding us.
- Mm-hmm.
Whoa, congrats! Wait, that's stealing.
No.
It's exactly what Mark Zuckerberg did to the Winkle guy in that Facebook movie Professor Bighetti had us watch.
And he was the hero of that film.
NICK: And with all of us working together, we'll easily beat you to market.
So, that's how it goes, huh? Hmm? You steal a man's idea, rendering his company worthless.
I've read a number of disparaging articles about your generation in The Atlantic and Slate.
com summaries.
It's all true.
TRIGGER WARNING: fuck you! (STUDENTS GASP) Professor Bighetti, I'll see you at home.
You apologize? In this case, yes, I apologize.
Who am I to advise you on your very valuable company? It's time to let you go, like a bird.
So, go out there without me.
Make your recipe app.
Take your meetings.
- Live.
That being said - (VIDEO GAME ZAPPING) since there's no cash to buy me out, I propose this: allow me to keep the palapa and give me the 'Vette.
You're cashing out? Dinesh, stay out of this, please.
Car and hut for ten percent? It's a palapa.
Okay.
It's a deal.
You know, the car was a mistake.
I was driving next to a store window, and I stop and look in my reflection.
I looked like an asshole.
Yes, I'm sure it was just the car.
A little piece of advice regarding American culture, a Corvette takes a certain sort of man to be able to pull off.
Like a fedora.
Anyway, keys? Oh, and now that I'm out of the company, you'll need to tell Monica what transpired.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, I'm off to be out and about in the 'Vette.
Be back for supper, that is, of course, unless I get fucked to death by the fairer sex.
(VIDEO GAME ZAPPING) Gilfoyle, Richard would like a moment, if you don't mind.
(GAME PAUSES) Do you guys need me to go somewhere else? No, it's fine.
You can stay.
You can hear this.
Okay, well, Gilfoyle, I have reviewed the candidates, and it is very clear to me that our company cannot succeed without your unrivaled talents as a systems architect.
So, would you please, please, please please come work for Pied Piper? Thanks for asking.
I'm going to put this as delicately as I know how.
You can chortle my balls.
Okay, well so who do we want to run front-end Dev? "Cunt-ass" or "Fuck-jerk"? Listen.
This thing with Gavin isn't gonna work without me, so, because I feel bad for you and I'd hate to see you fuck up good tech, which will happen if I'm not there, I'm willing to help you.
That's a beautiful gesture.
So, you're back aboard.
FYI, Becca Thorton is a cancerous prolapsed anus of a human being, but as a systems engineer, she's not all bad.
Laurie? Oh! Yes.
Monica, come in.
I just heard the good news.
About? LAURIE: Jian-Yang's nimble pivot.
Back away from the glass, please.
Special occasion.
He told me the whole story.
His interview at Periscope, his discovery of a photo of Bachman's genitals on his phone when demonstrating the app, and his eureka moment when it turned out that his "not hot dog" technology out-performed Periscope's own technology.
He said all that? Not quickly.
The eventual point, Jian-Yang unwittingly crafted an amazing tool for the real-time detection and filtering of penile imagery.
And Periscope does have a dick problem.
Monica.
(SCOFFS) Jian-Yang went to Periscope for a job and walked out with a $4-million acquisition offer.
Given our liquidation preference, we have 10 X'ed in two weeks, so hats off Well, thank you so much.
to Ed Chen for his shrewd call, both to invest in this and make you lead.
He is quite astute, which is why we have promoted him to senior partner.
(MUTTERS) Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGS, BEEPS) Monica, you've got Erlich.
I'm here with Jian-Yang, and he just told me that you traded ten percent of the company for a used car and a A hut.
Monica (ON PHONE): A hut? A palapa, and so what? What do you mean it's a half-a-million-dollar palapa? Jian-Ying (ON PHONE): Erlich, is the refrigerator running? This is Mike Hunt, and he's rich.
Shit! Oh, hey, when you begged Richard for the job, did you actually, like, literally lick his boots, or did you just go like, (MOCKINGLY) "Pretty please, Richard.
Please can I have a job, Richard?" Whatever I did, it was worth it for the chance to work without you.
Speaking of, did your deal with Periscope ever close? Yep.
If I stay a year, I vest a big chunk of Twitter stock.
- Great.
- Great.
And what exactly are you working on? Oh, you know, we're tuning our algorithm.
We're reconfiguring our classifier from food to another purpose.
Uh-huh.
In other words, you sit around and look at dick pics all day long.
Don't let me stop you.
Wow.
- (KEYBOARD CLICKS) - I would say, "Not safe for work," but this is your work for a year at least.
Is that one actually a hot dog? No.
- Not hot dog.
- (KEYBOARD CLICKS) (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) On my own (GRUNTS) On my own So I'm gonna see you later, nigga I'm on my own Bitch, I'm on my own I'm on my own Yeah, yeah, yeah Drinks been paid for for that night No dimes spent, you know that's right Got a couple thick chicks that been on my side Got a couple in the club done caught my eye See you later On my own On my own, on my own On my own, see you later Said, "Bitch, I'm on my own" I'll see you later I said, "Bitch, I'm on my own" Said I might see you later On my own Bye-bye, see you later Bitch, I'm on my own Bye-bye, see you later Bitch, I'm on my own Bye-bye, see you later Bitch, I'm on my own Bye-bye, see you later