Silicon Valley (2014) s04e09 Episode Script

Hooli-Con

1 Richard: Just think about it.
On Saturday, over a quarter-million people are gonna stream through that building.
A veritable who's who of nobodies.
Richard, we've tried marketing at trade shows.
We suck at it.
No, I'm not talking about that.
Let me ask you this: We need 120,000 phones, right? What is the first thing people do when they get in there? Log on to free Wi-Fi.
But Hooli makes you download the Hoolicon app in order to sign in.
So, what if we somehow hack our code onto the app? Then we will have our 120,000 phones all in one day.
I'm sorry.
You're you're talking about sneaking our code onto people's phones without them even knowing about it? I mean, that's malware, Richard.
No.
No, no, no.
Think of it more as, um, forced adoption through aggressive guerrilla marketing.
Well, as a product of forced adoption, I can assure you there are consequences.
- I like it.
- Well, hold on.
Even if we get our code into that app and onto all those phones, people are just gonna delete the app as soon as the conference is over.
People don't delete apps.
I'm telling you.
Get your phones out right now.
- (phones beep) - Uh, Hipstamatic.
Vine, may she rest in peace.
- NipAlert? - McCain/Palin.
- (phone clicks) - All right, this works in theory, but penetrating the Hooli servers to hack their shitty convention app? We'd need a black hat ninja for this one.
I wonder where we can find someone like that.
No.
- It's so great to see you, Mia.
- (chuckles) - How's Pakistan? - It's so great.
I was there for a while, and as I said before, I have to go back there right after this for an extended period of time.
Anyway, how's all this stuff going? You must be, like, dying of boredom.
I am, but the terms of my plea agreement forbid me to touch a computer or go online, so.
Let me run a hypothetical by you, just to, like, exercise your brain.
Like, for instance, if I had to hack the Hooli app servers, mess with an app, and push it out over a venue's free Wi-Fi how would I do it? It's a trick question, right? Because you wouldn't hack the app server.
You'd just launch a man-in-the-middle attack with Pineapples.
Google it.
Speaking of if they even catch me talking about this, they could send me to maximum security prison, but I think I found a way to get online.
- No.
- There's a computer in the library that's not supervised on Sundays.
I think if I can pull library duty, I'll be able to sneak on and track down whoever ratted me out.
I am going to destroy that motherfucker.
Not if I destroy him first.
(woman speaking on P.
A.
) Excuse me.
What's your policy on anonymous tips? Fuck.
Wi-Fi Pineapples.
It's so obvious.
Not to me.
Look, we set up a bunch of these at Hoolicon.
We position ourselves between everyone's devices and the real Wi-Fi.
So, they log onto our boxes and our boxes log onto the real Wi-Fi? - Exactly.
- So, we show them a fake landing page, and force everyone to download a doctored version of the Hoolicon app.
And they'll never know the difference.
No wonder Mia's in prison.
She's brilliant.
- I think this might actually work.
- Erlich: Wrong! It'll never work.
You don't even know what we've been talking about.
I don't need to, Richard.
The truth is, we've tried and tried.
Every time we've gotten a whiff of success, a giant pelican by the name of Fate takes a four-and-a-half-pound shit right on top of us.
There are people who are destined for greatness and people who are not.
Richard, it seems you and I are not.
And so, I've had enough.
I'm ending it all tonight.
Suicide? I have a book for you.
No, Gilf.
Last night, when I was sitting out there by the smoldering husk of my palapa, - so cruelly taken away from me - You burned it down yourself.
which led me to my epiphany.
This epiphany.
"Greetings from Tibet.
If you find yourself in Qamdo prefecture, do drop in.
Gavin Belson.
" That was addressed to me.
No, that was addressed to "Richard Hendricks and company.
" Company, of which I am a part.
You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet? You're broke.
How the fuck are you gonna pay for that? That's where you come in, my great friends.
I figured we might pass the hat? Just give whatever you are comfortable with.
I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.
Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart.
Thank you, young Jinathon.
- Business class? - Premium economy.
You fly one way.
Don't you need a visa to go to China? Yes.
I can call my uncle in Beijing.
He's very corrupt.
That sounded ominous, but, gents, it's as I was saying: Where there's a will, there's a way just not for you guys.
No, I will not help you on this mission.
No? Richard, we always said we didn't want to end up like Hooli.
How are we like Hooli? We are trying to give free Internet to the entire world.
If we have to bend a few rules here and there I mean, it's all for the greater good, is it not? Gavin Belson started out with lofty goals too, but he just kept excusing immoral behavior just like this, until one day all that was left was a sad man with funny shoes disgraced, friendless, and engorged with the blood of a youthful charlatan.
I am never going to be any of that.
Richard, not that long ago, you agonized over using a stolen log-in to get into a bake-off with Endframe, a company that stole from us.
But now you're, what, shrugging off large-scale cybercrimes against innocent civilians? It's a means to an end.
It's not who I am.
I mean, Lincoln had to suspend habeas corpus to end the war, - but he restored it after.
- Lincoln? Richard, it's not that easy.
There's always a next time and a next time and a next time.
I cannot knowingly contribute to your moral decay.
Well, what if you didn't do it knowingly? You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood pretending that everything going on around you was okay.
- Uncle Jerry's game.
- Yeah, that.
Let's play Uncle Jerry's game.
Do you know what you're asking? Okay, guys, how we looking? - One second.
- Almost done.
Gilfoyle: All 12 Pineapples tested and packed.
Richard: Jared, you can come in now.
All right, all of our swag is in the car, and I look forward to a successful promotion of our legitimate space-saving app.
Yup, that's what this is.
Whatever.
Well, now, gentlemen, this is it.
Goodbye.
Obviously, I don't care to make a big deal out of it, so I think it's sufficient just to go around and each of you say a memory or two of times where I've profoundly impacted your life.
It doesn't have to be a profound impact.
We're leaving now.
- What? - International flight.
Four hours early.
No, international flights are three hours early.
It's a new rule.
(door opens) (chuckles) Gentlemen.
Okay, let's have some fun.
(people chattering) Richard: First hurdle down.
We're past security.
Dinesh (quietly): That made me nervous, sneaking all that shit in.
Gilfoyle: Why? We're bringing tech to a tech convention.
When did Pied Piper get added to the vendor list? Jared: C-4210.
Oh.
That looks like us.
Jared: Oh no, that can't be.
No.
This is not what I was promised.
- What? It's fine.
- But they told me that we would have prominent placement with proximity to high-traffic corridor.
(laughs) We're in the middle of the road here.
- So? - Yeah, who gives a fuck? Well, Jared does, and and we do as well.
Uh, you know what? Why don't you go check out what the bathroom situation's like? - Yes.
Nothing would make me happier.
- Good.
You know, I actually believe him.
Okay.
So, gentlemen, okay, while Jared's gone, let's get our bearings.
(quietly) All right, so, we are here.
Now, you guys deploy the Pineapples.
Start with high-traffic areas, so that means entrances.
People are setting up equipment everywhere, so it shouldn't look that unusual, but be careful, don't get caught, - and remember why we are here.
- Winnie: Richard? Whoa.
Winnie.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Hi.
- Yeah.
Oh.
- (both chuckle) I haven't seen you since Since you threw yourself down a flight of stairs to prove how smart you were.
- That whole spaces-tab thing was - Kind of petty? Petty? No, I was gonna say "illustrative of our vast differences.
" - Right.
(chuckles) - What are you doing here? I'm here helping my friend launch his new company.
Oh.
"My friend.
" He's actually my boyfriend.
- That's his booth right there.
- Richard: Oh wow.
He's got a big one I mean the booth.
But, um, boyfriend, uh-oh.
- Awkward.
(chuckles) - Why? Nothing.
It's not.
It's actually it's cool.
Totally cool.
Cool beans.
Beans, beans, magical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you - Toot? - Toot.
Hey, Joel? Come over and meet Richard.
Oh, not not needed.
- Joel, Richard.
- Not needed.
Hey.
Oh.
Stairs guy.
Uh, that's quite a booth you got there.
Oh, yes, thank you.
We really think our company's message is worth getting out there.
Yeah, us too.
Us too.
Um, we're just trying to be a bit responsible with the spending.
Sure, but when I sold my last company, I realized I had the luxury to invest in something I believe in.
- Mmm.
- Helping humanity thrive.
That's why I decided to bring PeaceFare into the world.
Ah, good for you.
Okay.
It was great to meet you, Richard.
Yeah, and you too.
- Good seeing you.
- Not if I see you first.
Not that you asked, but you handled that very poorly.
You know, Jian-Yang, the silence in the car gave me some time to think about the fact that our differences Jesus! Sorry.
(tires screech) (echoes) Jian-Yang! - Fuck you, fat fuck.
- Pineapple two is a go.
Fucking look at him, pictures everywhere.
Fucking bearded baby.
Cost us millions of dollars.
It would make me very happy to pour boiling metal down Keenan Feldspar's asshole.
How would that even work? Flip and pour.
He's gonna run, and then you're slowly chasing him, trying to not spill your vat of boiling metal.
- You're gonna look like a fucking idiot.
- Fuck you.
- Anybody looking? - Dinesh: No, just go.
(clattering) What's taking you so long? Hurry up! (indistinct radio chatter) What are you boys up to? All right? I go through my slides.
Click, click, click.
Jamiroquai plays.
Now, I would very much like to welcome my good friend, Keenan Feldspar! - Where the fuck is he? - Keenan: Yo.
Son, you're supposed to be coming up from over there.
Totally, I'm just really kind of digging the vibe over on this side.
- Uh, Terry? - Terry (on P.
A.
): Yeah? - Kid wants to come from over here.
- Terry: Okay.
Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment? This morning, Pied Piper were a last-minute add to the vendor list, so I started watching them and noticed some suspicious behavior.
I sent in for our tactical response team, and with your permission, I'd like to sweep the convention floor with Yagi antennas, which are - Hoover.
- Yes, sir.
Four days ago, I spent $2 billion on a piece-of-shit VR gadget that's never gonna work.
I had to rebuild the entire operating system just to get a 90-second demo that could play on a phone.
And by the grace of God, I just may have pulled it off.
And now you want to talk to me about Pied fucking Piper? Sir, I'd like to think that if Gavin Belson were here, we'd make sure Gavin fucking Belson is not here 'cause I fired his ass! Now, look, you go back to your little security room, you sit in the corner with a tinfoil hat on, and I swear, if I hear you wandered down the hallway to take a piss, you are out on your ass.
You got that? I do, sir.
You know what? This might be a good time for me to hand out some flyers.
(whispers) Richard, six Pineapples up, six to go.
- Good.
- Something wrong? Yeah, actually.
(clears throat) Very wrong.
PeaceFare is a game.
- Dinesh: What? - Yeah, look at his website.
Give virtual coins to virtual homeless people.
Grow virtual corn to feed virtual starving villages.
What the fuck, right? I mean, he's over there making all this noise about turning your mobile device into an empathy machine, - but it's not doing anything.
- Fascinating, Richard.
Have you heard anything about how Pied fucking Piper is doing? Yes, our code is in the app, the Pineapples are online, and we're at 3700 downloads.
We're ahead of schedule.
Shit.
This could work.
That's awesome.
Yeah, exactly.
We are doing something real.
He is not, but she's with him, and I'm the petty one.
Okay, well, what about the idea of growing real corn to feed real starving people? - No.
- Yeah, his thing seems way easier.
Yeah, you can do it on your phone in your underwear.
Just plant the rest of the Pineapples, please.
(sighs) - Oh! Here he comes, folks.
- Oh, thanks.
Richard Hendricks, the Monet of compressionism.
Jared.
(clears throat) Hey, which of the bathrooms is closest? Uh, end of the row, 78 paces to the right.
Great.
Do you know this is the actual laptop I used to code the app.
Hey, let's take some without my shoes, yeah? Perfect.
Okay.
Oh, hey, come.
Yeah, so please start with my toes.
Photographer: Oh, nice.
Joel: Can you And these are photos of irrigation, captured in the rain.
Photographer: Yeah, it's gonna look great.
Yeah, like that.
Joel: Poverty and penthos.
Photographer: That looks so good.
Let's do another one.
Go on the other side.
Joel: Yeah.
(Joel talking indistinctly) - Did you do this? - Man 2: What? What? Did anyone see someone touch this laptop? - Hmm? What? - Oh God.
This is very disturbing.
Fuck it.
I'm just gonna punch him.
Yeah, right.
Have fun in jail, you moron.
- Oh shit.
- Oh fuck, it's him.
- What do we do? - Uh, keep moving.
Fuck, do you think he saw us? Oh, he saw us.
- Fuck.
- He saw us see him.
Shit.
Wait.
What if he thinks we did it on purpose, like, we snubbed him? Fuck yeah.
We just snubbed the fuck out of Keenan Feldspar.
- Hey, Richard.
- Hey.
I'm letting everyone know you might want to reset your critical passwords, because we've been hacked.
Oh! Uh, why why would you say that? Someone changed my PeaceFare screensaver Hmm? and I know it wasn't anyone on my team, because they all respect me too much.
What did they change it to? If you don't mind me asking, just 'cause No, no, I won't dignify it by repeating it.
I'm just saying you should take precautions.
Also, Winnie spoke to security, and they're sending the tactical response team.
(coughs) The what? The Oh, here they are.
Oh shit.
Bingo.
We've got hostiles.
Red team, Sebastian, fan out and sweep the entire venue.
(beeping) (whispers) Hey, Richard.
Guess who has four thumbs - and just snubbed Keenan Feldspar.
- Us.
Guys, someone called security, now they're doing a sweep of the area.
What? Okay? You've gotta go pull all the Pineapples.
What the fuck? Who ratted us out? I don't know.
Probably we'll never know.
It's impossible to tell.
- (beeping) - Just go.
Go get get them now.
- Go.
Just go.
Please.
- (pounds table) Oh.
- Bingo.
- (Dinesh whispers) Fuck! Come on.
- (grunts) - Bingo.
Oh crap.
We've got to split up.
I'll take the food court.
You take the east concourse.
- I want the food court.
- Just go! Fuck.
- Hey, man.
- F-f-f-fucking Keenan.
- Hey, I have to go.
- Totally.
Hey, did you snub me earlier? - No.
- Yeah, you did.
You know you did.
You made me feel bad.
(sighs) I like to feel good.
Why would you do that to me? Seriously? You fucked us, Keenan.
Richard was gonna take that deal, and then you pulled it right out from under us.
You cost me, personally, a shit-ton of money.
Whoa.
Is that what Richard told you? (beeping) (whispering) Hey.
So? They got every single one, every single last one.
- Fuck! - Jared: I don't want to hear this.
But we gotta be close, right? Like, how many more phones do we need? I don't know.
Close isn't good enough.
No, this is binary.
Either we have enough or we don't.
Oh f-f-f-fuck.
Okay, I have an idea.
So, I've got one Pineapple left.
Now, I've rigged some batteries on top of it, - because we're gonna have to go mobile.
- Oh.
We have to try.
Okay, I'm going to put this in your backpack.
- Oh no.
- No, it's fine.
- I don't want it.
I don't want it.
- Dinesh, it's fine.
And you, you're gonna hold this kill switch, and then you're gonna walk into the most densely populated area you can find.
All right? If you see the security coming, remember, you press that button and, poof, you're gone.
Yeah? Okay.
I'll get as many of those motherfuckers as I can.
We'll be rewarded in the end.
When the fuck were you gonna tell us? - Tell you what? - You know what, fat sack of shit.
- Richard, do you know what? - No, I don't.
I-I I don't know what.
Dinesh, you need to move.
Well, not until I find out if you know what.
(sighs) - Go on.
- Okay, fine.
Fine.
I messed with Joel's screensaver, and then he told security, and now they're the ones pulling up all the Pineapples.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - What are you talking about? You acted like you wanted to take Keenan Feldspar's offer.
Well, I just ran into him.
He said you turned him down.
Well, n Okay, well Who are you going to believe, me or him? Him.
He showed me the e-mail you sent him.
Showed you the e-mail? - (beeping approaching) - You fucking snake.
Dinesh, you need to move, now.
Look, he pulled the deal.
Yeah, but you didn't know that when you sent him the e-mail, did you? Dinesh, you need to move.
I mean, come on.
- You need to go.
Go.
Go.
- Man: Gentlemen.
(beeps) I'm going to have to see the contents of that backpack.
Um (Richard stammers) Bingo.
Huh.
- - (sighs) What did you change it to, Richard? What? Joel's screensaver.
It doesn't matter now.
No? PoopFare.
I'm sorry.
PoopFare? Yeah, it was, like, a play on the name.
Is it a play on the name? PissFare would be way better.
Or PenisFare.
Or PeaceFart.
That's just changing one letter.
Look, he he turned around.
I had, like, a second, okay? It's the best I could come up with.
PoopFare? PoopFare? - Are you serious? - Yeah.
You sacrificed everything that we've worked for for PoopFare? How was PoopFare for the greater good? It wasn't.
You compared yourself to Abraham Lincoln, Richard.
Can you do me a favor? Can you say it so I know I'm not hallucinating? - I just did.
- Just - (Dinesh whispers) Just say it.
- say it.
- Jared.
- Richard, look me in the eyes! Look me in the eyes, and you name - our undoing! - Hey, come on.
Calm down now.
- PoopFare! You reckless child.
- (door opens) Gentlemen.
Come with me, please.
Sit down.
Well, well, well.
Richard Hendricks.
Sorry, do I know you? No but I know all about you.
These Wi-Fi Pineapples are they yours? Uh-huh.
And this image from the security footage? Gilfoyle (on monitor): Smell anything? These two individuals look familiar to you? Last question.
Do you recognize this? It's an interview I just found from Code/Rag from October of this year, in which you said you and Gavin Belson would, quote, "put Jack Barker out of a job.
" Did you say that, Richard? You know what? Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is me.
Because apparently everything I say or type gets me into trouble, because I'm a idiot.
- (paper flutters) - Hoover: Well now.
- Tenley! - (door opens) What the hell are these gentlemen doing in my office? We caught them with Pineapples.
You mean the Pineapples that I hired them to bring to the conference as part of a covert penetration test of our Wi-Fi security? - Sorry, we didn't know.
- Hoover: You weren't supposed to.
Now, give these gentlemen their passes and equipment back and get them back on the floor.
You know, you said some very nice things about Gavin Belson in that interview.
You could've very easily kicked a good man when he was down.
Good luck with whatever it is you're doing.
I'd walk you down myself, but for reasons I really can't get into I'm not allowed to leave this room.
Okay.
There you are.
You never came back to the booth.
You didn't want to see how it all turned out? I wasn't really in the mood.
Are you playing PeaceFare? Yeah.
I just gave an orphan her first calculator.
Good.
Good.
(clears throat) But I've got something much better.
See that number? That is the number of installs that we've got from Hoolicon alone.
We have moved all of Melcher's data onto a network of mobile devices.
(chuckles) - We did it.
- Do Dinesh and Gilfoyle know? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, they know.
Now that this worked, they like me again.
They're off getting churros to celebrate.
I told them that we would meet them at Barker's keynote, so come on.
I mean Richard, the fact that you think that success justifies all your behavior We were in crisis mode, okay? And yeah, I lost my head, but crisis averted, so it's time to reinstate habeas corpus, huh? Be Honest Abe again.
What about the next crisis, Richard? (chuckles) Jared, this won't happen again.
I swear.
So, let's just enjoy it for a minute.
Please.
- (bright music plays) - Jack: Come on, give it up! - (cheers, applause) - I love this company! And how about you? And how about Jamiroquai? - Ladies and gentlemen, oh, let's have it.
- (cheers, applause) But wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wasn't the original title of their chart-topping hit "Virtual Insanity"? Why is he singing "Virtual Reality"? - (scattered chuckling) - You know, I may need a little help getting to the bottom of this from my very good friend, Keenan Feldspar! (cheers, applause) Oh! There he is! Hey, hey, hey, hey! You guys ready to see the future? (cheering) You know, at the beginning of the presentation, I told all of you to update your HooliPhone OS, right? Now, I want you to go into "Settings," and you're gonna find a brand-new toggle labeled "HooliVR.
" Man: Woo! You're gonna want to turn that on.
Now, look under your seats.
When you power up your HooliVR goggles, they will "automagically" pair with your phone.
Put 'em on and prepare to be amazed! - (gasps, murmuring) - Keenan: Say hi to that barmaid for me.
- Huh? Oh! Ow! - (sparking) - (screaming) - (phones sparking) Oh shit! Fuck! - (phones sparking, popping) - (shrieking) What's going on? Uh, turn up the lights, please.
Something's happening here.
- (phones sparking) - Uh, stay calm.
You don't think this had anything to do with us, do you? We appear to have a bit of a technical problem.
(people yelping) I'm going to get to the bottom of this right away.
Man: Ow! Fuck! (peaceful music playing) Gelong-la, there is a loud man here to see you.
He says you sent for him.
Qamdo in the house! (laughs) Whoa! Haircut? Are you fucking kidding me? No.
I'm really here.
(hip-hop music playing) Woo! Yo, pull up to the spot High as ever, Know the code Out in London, Got my dawgs wit me Bitches love us 'cause we keep it realer than most They love the way I talk I blend in like I'm from the ends But I just flown in from New York What's the word? Visions is jumping Milk hit my line, Phaze bring the haze Skep is on the way, Jammer hit my line Bring blakie for the energy I'm everywhere like surround sound You could never get rid of me Dawg, I been global Them cats just now getting passports So we on now, World's Fair, so we on now Yeah, it's grind time Queens shit, yeah, it's our time We on now, World's Fair, so we on now Yeah, it's grind time Queens shit, yeah, it's our time