Sin City Saints (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

We suck, Saints fans, and I'm sorry, But I have a question for you guys, If we keep LDP out and we rebuild, or let's face it, we totally tank, we have a much better pick of getting the number one pick in next year's draft, So I'm gonna let you the fans decide, do we tank? Come on, Jake, It's time to play, Fair vote on the blog right now go, I have to go, hold on, I'm coming, ooh, I want a hug! Come here! Okay, sign that, and look at that, divorce is final, with one little stroke of the quill, It's a big Wade, to stop being so dramatic, You know, maybe I could have tried harder, gone to counseling, or had a threesome, Look, at a certain point you have to just give up, walk away, Are you saying I tanked my marriage? That I failed? It's not failure, exactly, it's, it's lack of success, non-fulfillment defeat, collapse, fandering, never, at least he is out of your house, Hm? Right, cuz when I do go back to New York, it'll be to a nice big empty sad apartment where I can hear my own echo when I cry, Well, then maybe Vegas is a viable option, long term, Live here? In this hell hole of desperation and misspelled tattoos? Wade, I actually did see one the other day that said God Bless American, Welcome to the Matty Matthews Show, I'm your host Matty, On today's show, we've got none other than Jake Tellez, owner of the Sin City Saints, The baron of bottle service, the sultan of the strip club, the pied piper of I can't say that word on the radio, You've got questions, we've got answers, Vegas, Welcome, Jake, Thanks for having me Matty, How are you? Is the real question, Are you okay? You seem-, Let me ask you a question, Do you think it's a little cynical to have the fans vote on the team tanking the rest of the season? Matty of course the America that I live in, the country that I love so much, we still allow voting here, This is a democracy, is it not? But the fans that go to the games that pay for the tickets, don't they deserve to see a team that's actually out there trying to win a game? What if we get the number one pick next year? That is a possibility for us, what is wrong with letting the fans have a little say in how the team is run? Okay, But with that very same logic, Mm-hm, I could be the starting point guard next year, we all vote for Matty, That's impossible, Your little dwarf hands couldn't fit on a basketball, and you couldn't touch a net with a ladder, Well, maybe I should be an owner because that doesn't take much of a skill set at all now does it, Well, My producer Janey told me that the league came down on you pretty hard, and you're actually here to take back the fan vote, Well, your producer Janey also, let me know that you grabbed her ass at the Christmas party, I wouldn't have done that because producer Jeanie is a lesbian, who I don't think is out of the closet, Really, And I am infinitely sorry to Janie and her family, Great, let's talk about why I am actually here, Yeah, What the ff, And that horn means it's caller time, caller number one, hit me with that hot sauce, Hey, it's Ron here, I agree with Jake, we should tank, why would we limp into the playoffs and then go four and out? Ron's a real fan of the Saints, thank you Ron, Okay, let's go to our second caller, Pete from Vegas, Go! Personally, I think it's embarrassing that we have an owner who puts drinking and screwing ahead of the team, Pete has a point, we lost by 30 points, And then after the game, we saw in your video blog, you partying with two women like you just won the championship, Thank you so much for being a fan of Jake's Take, Not a fan, And I don't think that's a representation of what's actually happening, I think maybe you should stop by yourself sometime, I would not do that because I recently found a girl that I truly care about, You do not have a girlfriend, you have a lava lamp body that no woman would love, Okay, I bet Jake didn't party like this when we ran Matterhorn, Well, because you care about the success of the company, Absolutely I, I very much so do-, And you don't care about the success of the team, No that, no that is incorrect, That is not what I'm saying, Because you didn't party, because you cared about your company, Now you do party, so by deductive logic developed by Aristotle, you care less about this team than you did about your company, This is not what we agreed to, Do you even know who Aristotle was? I sure do, Deductive logic, is that what you said? Maybe if you stop partying, the Saints would suck just a little less, Our star player got hurt, I can assure you the Saints come first, Las Vegas, Prove it! Okay, I've got an idea, Yeah? What is it? Stop drinking, stop getting high, stop having sex until the Saints win one game, Fine, None of that stuff is an issue for me, Okay? I don't have any issues, I don't have any problems, I can stop any of that stuff, It's not an issue! It's not, Okay, Put some money up, 100,000 bucks, What? Yeah, write a check, $100,000, Why don't we do $1 million? Uh-huh, smart ass? A million? Yeah, A million dollars? That's what I said, So, I'm going to get a million dollars when you can't do this, Incorrect, The person who catches me, breaking one of your three stupid rules, that's who gets the money, because it's not gonna happen, Ooh, This is juicy, Mm-hm, You heard it here first, Vegas, Anyone who catches Jake Turllis getting high, getting drunk or having sex before the Saints win a game, gets $1 million, Get you some, Vegas! They're playing Nickelback right now, so we've got a few minutes, Want to grab lunch? We could just quarantine you 'til we win, No, I will need to get laid again at some point, Okay, well I've already got like 600 emails, so what do I say? Just tell them Jake Turllis wouldn't lose at ping pong to that douche, Let alone lose a bet for a million bucks, So, the person who catches them gets a million dollars? What's wrong with him? Like why would he do something like that? I don't know, but if we could get him to drink we'd get a million dollars, Yeah, but then we'd be fired, But, we'd have a million dollars, Hey fellas, You don't drink much or get laid, do you? No not much, No you don't, No no no, So, what do you do with your free time? Oh lots of things, Yeah Ton, I look at my fish, I read a lot, I go to the Apple store, People say Origami is dead, not at my apartment, I groom my facial hair, Anything not so boring that you wanna put your own fist in your mouth, and choke to death on it? He was talking to us and we blew it, You caught us by surprise, Oh, No, Before you say a word, That is not how, I wanted you to handle the tanking issue, That's way more than a word, those are words, And you're awfully picky, about how I do things, I just gave myself the biggest incentive in the world to win, This guy, is grounded until we win, And this guy is gonna be clear, and thinking, and feeling things, Alan wants you to call off the bet, I want you to call off Alan, You know, that all goddamn day long, all I do is put out fires that are started by you, And then when I'm about to put out the fire, you light the fire extinguisher on fire, The fire extinguisher is made of metal, you can't light metal on fire, You are missing the point, By definition, there's nothing inside a fire extinguisher that would burn, your metaphors they start out great, and then they just stink and, and get stupid, You stink and are stupid, Somebody ask for a light? Jesus, white Kenny sucks, Uh-huh, But, black Kenny is pretty good, I heard you signed your divorce papers today, congrats, Great, That Wade cannot keep a secret, Nah it's cool, My divorce was brutal, My wife took all my money, and opened a Jamba Juice, I can't look at a carrot without crying, Well hey, my was a soul cycle instructor, So that's your type, Handsome, tall, and athletic, I guess, Well, seriously though, If you ever wanna go out and talk, I'm here, Well if we do go out, let's not talk about it, Let's just drink and forget, Look at Sam, I'll tell you what, he's probably telling that lame story about his wife buying that Jamba Juice, They closed it down, you know? Yeah, of course they did, How you doing, bud? I'm good, Kev, I'm totally clear headed, focused, I think it's been like nine days, It's been a day and a half, That's not true, It's true, 36 hours, How'd you do it the first you got sober? Every time I had a craving, I ran a wind spread, Well, Okay, Oh, and I jerked off a lot, Oh go! I'm proud of you boss, You can't keep up with me, Sure I can, Okay, maybe I can't, I'll catch you on the next lap, Eez! This bet is the worst, I open the fat stupid hole in my face, and dumbness pours out, How you holding up with your situation? Being the face of gay sports is exhausting, Did you get your eyebrows shaped? Sculpted, Came with the skin peel, I've gotta say, the lifestyle is great, Well, you get a win tonight, And I will throw you the largest, most heterosexual, filthy, horrible, wonderful sex rager you can imagine, Yeah? Yeah, It'll be like a hurricane, No, It'll be like a tornado, of ass, 200 mile per hour winds swirling around trees, and cars and tractors, And the townspeople, they'll be crying and digging through the rubble, looking for photos, and mementos, and trapped puppies, Oh, But, when it's over they're not gonna leave, They'll rebuild, Because that's the type of people they are, Winners, Like you, Yes, Now go in, Yes! A tornado of ass! Come on, Let's win tonight, Daddy needs this, Oh, come on, What are you doing? You know it's serious when he brings this grandma as his date to the game, Say what you want about this bet, But Jake's grandma, is getting some floor seats, I love you nana, Hey Jake, how's it going? I'll tell you how it's going, I just kissed my nana on the forehead and I almost got a boner, That's how it's going, Todd, Jake, Come to the club with us tonight, I passed my citizenship test, I helped him study, Who was the first president of the United States? Denzel Washington, Who killed JFK? OJ Simpson, What's America's national bird? Kentucky Fired Chicken, You ready bitch, Oh congrats Artok, Yeah men but I don't think so, I'll be sober and not looking for girls, and that's a huge element of a nightclub, Just, gone, so, This is not the Jake I know, Come on man, I thought you were strong man, Man with iron will, I am, Then why would a strong man be afraid of a night club? No, I'm not afraid of a night club, Jake, Jake, Jake, Don't do that, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Come on, Jake Jake Jake Jake Jake, Well this sucks, Mrs,, Tell me about it, I have a love that cannot be made public, so upsetting, Well, I haven't had sex in ten days, I gotta get you a drink, No, I can't have that either, Melissa, come here, You seem safe, you're pretty G-rated, sit down, This club is 75% blacks, so, you're sitting with the hottest piece of ass in the room, Yeah, but you play it classy, You're not like these other girls, They have no self-respect, gyrating like strippers, sweating booze from their pores, God, who am I kidding, they're just my type, Look at that! A blonde Asian, I love that! And this girl, her breast has fallen out three times now, Four times now, And that is the most perfect specimen I've every seen, I think I just tore my zipper, Jake, that's Dusty, What? No it's not, Dusty is short with thick calves, She has widespread eyes, She carries a briefcase, She stinks like jelly, Oh, it's her, Dusty's a very beautiful, clean-smelling woman, I'm talking about Dusty from work, Yes, No, Dusty is businessy and serious and she has brown hair, No? No, Dusty is a hot blonde sex kitten type, I'm losing my mi, on the count of three, hit me in the face with this, Come on, All right, find something safe to look at, something safe to look at, Woo! All aboard, boys! There we go, Hey, Fu-, To Artak! I love America! When do I get my gun? Yay! Yeah! Oh my God! Jake, I'm literally so happy you're here, Oh that makes one of us, I need help picking out a filter for this selfie Dan took of me, You know it's not a selfie if you didn't take it yourself, Then it's, Just a picture, Of myself, Yeah, Let's just talk tonight, Tell me about, I'm a Libra, obviously, What are you? No, no, no wait, I bet I can guess, It turns out it wasn't even John Mayer, Just some chubby dude, It's a Confederate flag with a rose beside it, Oh my God, we have the same phone case, Oh yeah! I think my mom is dating somebody, Really, why? She's wearing a new necklace, Aw man, her son's a big baller now, she's gotta flash the cash, My mom bought a fur couch with my first paycheck, I still dream she and my father will reunite, Aw, man I, I doubt that's gonna happen, I mean, cuz they're divorced, Not divorced, separated, for only six months, Mrs, Wu is married? Hey guys, why aren't you dancing? Because we are discussing how the marriage bond is the most sacred bond of all, Oh, great, In China, when you marry, you bow to your friends, your family and your God, swearing to share your love forever, That's nice, I would say I'm spiritual, not religious, Like, I don't believe in God because he literally invented slavery, but I believe the universe tells us things if we listen, Like when I accidentally set my hair on fire but then I was like, duh, get bangs, And everyone said they were so cute on me, That's your proof of a higher power? Bangs? You wanna get out of here? You have no idea, B-R-B, Loud, very loud, Oh, I was just leaving, I can't take the crowd, Tell me about it, I'm like Daredevil now, You know when he goes blind and all of his other senses are heightened? Nope, Exactly, So when I'm sober, I can see and hear things that normal drunk people can't, Like, have you ever noticed that every hip-hop lyric is the exact same? I get it, you have a Bentley, and your penis is big, and you like to use it on girls with big, juicy tushes? And Red Bull tastes like a gummy bear took a piss in a can of paint, And 23-year-old girls are ridiculous people, But they look so soft in their dresses, I gotta get out of here, Okay, we need to find a place where there are no hot women, It can't be too hard, It's Vegas, People have sex here for money and the government is cool with it, You know, the further away you get from the city, the more charming it becomes, Hm, So here's another sober observation, You drink like a conquistador, Is this normal for you, or are you just like rubbing salt on my wound? You seem everything that I do is predicated on you, No, This drink is for me, I am celebrating, freedom, Freedom, freedom, Uh-huh, Free from having fun, Me, too, No, I signed divorce papers today, I'm done, Congratulations, I can't wait for my first divorce, that's gonna be great, I'm kidding, Are you all right? Yeah, Good, Oh my god, I'm great, I'm officially a single woman, so cheers, Oh cheers, good, What am I doing wrong? Really like I look at you and you go out and you party, and you have all this fun, And, why isn't it working for me? I dont know, Maybe I'm not as happy as I pretend to be, I knew it! Ladies and gentlemen, he is a human, Yeah, I heard it first, You did, And why do you do it? Because otherwise I'm you, Oh, respectable? Uptight, You're not wrong, But still, You know what bothers me, though, You think I'm like this big joke, like all this money I've earned is just from me screwing around, While you were out tailgating with all your friends in Dallas, or Minneapolis, or whatever pretentious suburb you're from, That produces that blonde of hair, I was in my basement taking apart a computer, Then in college, I wasn't out at fraternity parties or kegging or whatever, 'Kay, I don't know, I wasn't there, I was in my dorm putting that computer back together, I decided to date boys in bands and really hot dumb guys which I'm still doing to this day, Yeah, Cuz you were the mean girl, you were the hot cheerleader and the prettiest girl in school, No, I was the ugly dork, Look at what I have now, The girls at the night club, the basketball team, That's my second shot, Argh, you know what, that is why I'm out tonight, It is my second shot too, because I don't wanna end up some lonely bitter divorcee, You won't! You definitely won't, You just gotta stop getting loaded every night, Don't go looking for anything, you know, just sit still, Look at you, I mean, you're the kind of woman that good stuff just finds its way to, Still waiting for the good, Was that worth a million bucks? No, I thought it was gonna be, I You kissed, really? You didn't lose the bet to Dusty, did you? No, no, when I got off that thing it's like the spell was broken, but up there my heart was racing, and my hands were sweating, Maybe you're detoxing? No, it was just feelings or whatever, this is what happens when you get sober, I wanna punch myself in the dick so hard, Oh boy, that is graphic, How do I go back to my old life? Maybe you can't, Maybe you're going to start looking at women differently, Maybe even women who are right in front of your face, Melissa, You are so right, I'm gonna ask out Dusty, What a good call, Such a good call, That's not really what I was thinking, Dusty would wait to see you, Okay, Sapphire, Look at that, She got the names right and the order, that's impressive, Yeah, everybody's growing, Hello, Wait, tell him, So, last night, India Club, I noticed Doug getting friendly with a lady, Douglas, You're supposed to be a homosexual, I am, I'm super gay, Her name is Bruce, Did you get proof? Yes, Nothing happens in this world that isn't recorded, Which is glorious for catching fibbers, Can I fire him myself? Anne, you are a stone cold killer, No, I will fire Doug after the game, I think he's gonna get us a victory tonight, Fine, Sam will make a solid choice for coach in the interim, No, not Sam, He's far too good looking, He'll make the other players feel bad about themselves, Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go run 13 miles, before the game tonight, Saints lose again, The fans are literally asleep, and owner Jake Tullis, Is gonna change the team slogan, to always bet on blue balls, Hey, Oh, don't worry, your dumb bet will end one day, Yeah, I wanted to ask you something, I know what you're gonna say, it's a bad idea, You don't know what I was gonna ask you, You were gonna ask me out, No, What? I was gonna, Will you hand me that mop, please? That's what I need, I want the mop, please, Thank you, Wanna get my hands dirty, I'm trying to set an example around here, Is that it, Yeah, Hey Jake, Hey, Nice mop, Thank you, Dusty, are you ready? I am, Did you get a chance to discuss, Oh about you becoming the interim coach, yes, And Jake thinks it's a fantastic idea, Sure, All right, cool, Yeah, Anything for the team, Later, man, All right, Welcome aboard, coach, Yeah, Hand me the mop, Hand me the mop, Dumbass, Stupid, Stupid, stupid, stupid, Oh my God, I'm so sorry I was late, I have no idea why my car keeps breaking down and I seriously think I just need a new one, and my last boyfriend was going to buy me one, but then he left me for this girl in his bartending class, Have you thought about cutting your hair really short and dying it blonde? Oh my God, One time I cut my hair so short, Sh, Come here, But, what about your bet? You could lose a million dollars, I would give you a million dollars to stop talking, Oh my god, Really? Yeah, Only god can fudge me, Be loud and proud, My cousin's gay, What's up, Seth? Let's talk about the, Feel like I'm Daredevil now, You know, when he goes blind, and all his other height, senses are heightened, No, How are you holding up with your situation? At gay sports is exhausting, Did you catch something? Mm, tastes like chocolate, Yahoo