Sinchronicity s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
there,s been 9irls that have stolen our hearts they,ll never let us in and say boys will be boys till the end It,s always the little things that change your life.
Here you go, nathan.
- it,s a freebie.
- what is it? A new drug.
it turns your floppy into a hard drive.
No use to me.
You become some kind of iron man dick-athlete.
- i don,t need it.
- ,,for up to 36 hours.
,, Hm.
Nah.
no, i don,t like staying up past my bedtime.
We,re gonna finish this over a drink.
do you two want to join us later? - we,d love to.
- see you over there.
Don,t overdose.
I don,t want you giving peter a surprise at the pearly gates.
Should i be worried that a transsexual thinks i,ve got erectile dysfunction? Hello, mate.
just to let you know I,ve got to get back after squash tonight.
peggy,s fixed me up with something.
All right.
well, eri,ve just got to finish off at the office.
I might be a bit late.
but fi,s at home.
why don,t i meet you there? No, i,ll, ermeet you at the gym.
Yeah, but i,m not sure what time i,ll get back.
- you,re best off waitin9 at the flat.
- er, well Er, yeah.
Yeah.
Why not? It,s the little things.
the tiny things.
You hardly even notice.
And then later, much later (door thuds ) (door thuds ) Typical of my dad.
Never there when i wanted him, and always there when i didn,t.
Why didn,t you ring me and tell me you were coming? - i thought it,d be a nice surprise for you.
- it,s brilliant.
It,s just such a shame you came tonight.
I,ve got this important works do.
Can,t you change it, tell them your long-lost dad,s in town? (sighs ) if it was any other night i would.
I,m meeting this massive client.
Well, i,m only here one night.
why don,t i come along? You can,t, dad.
this isn,t some ordinary bod.
It,s a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity with an international hotshot.
You,re one of nathan,s favourite actresses.
Well, it,s between you and judi dench.
(foreign accent) and which of my films did you most enjoy? Oh.
well, that,s not easy.
Come on, nathan, if you had to have a toss-up.
Erit would be between - position impossible - which one? I liked all the positions.
- and - it,s got to be the talented mr lick me.
Oh, i enjoyed making that.
- you,re forgetting the texas dildo massacre.
- oh, i could never forget that.
No, if i had to have a desert island dvd - it would have to be - et.
The extra testicle.
Do you know, none of that was special effects? It had a special effect on me.
It wasn,t a question of whether my dad could handle a night with a dutch porn star, More whether she could handle a night with my dad.
Sohow long was your longest session? (sighs ) he was almost a god.
But on the sixth day he rested.
I,m impressed.
because i know for women, usually their thighs get tired.
They,re obviously not having enough training.
(laughs ) yeah.
How often do youtrain? On average? As often as i can.
Five, six times a day.
On average.
I want all this in the blog.
With plenty of tips.
And what do you do, george? Oh, i go from town to town, Selling my wares.
And what do you sell?.
Era salesman sells his honesty.
His honesty? People buy it all the time.
- (giggles ) - listen! He just sells toner cartridges.
- he,s got something.
- yeah.
a wife.
(sniffs ) - you,re hitting on her.
- what, can,t take the competition? - how would mum feel?.
- i don,t think she,d be as hysterical as you.
She,s just given you a second chance.
I know that.
- if you hurt her, dad - oh, nathan.
I,ve only ever loved one woman in my life.
What were you doing with all the rest? I don,t expect you to understand.
i know it was hard for you.
- i,m not interested in all that.
- nathan, i came to see you.
Yeah, cos you,re in town, you,re a mean git and you don,t want to pay for a hotel.
Just chatting.
it,s a bit of fun.
But i,m a changed man.
from now on, i,m gonna be faithful.
Oh, yeah? that,s about the only thing you,ve never tried with a woman.
I,m sure he,s up there somewhere, looking down on us.
Yeah.
(fay ) your dad reminds me of you.
No, he doesn,t.
Yeah.
only difference is, he,s sexy.
You,ve got such a rude arse.
You got to know what to do with it.
I can think of a few things.
(mobile bleeps ) Ladies, i have to go.
I,ll see you later, yeah? What a night, eh? It,s only just begun.
Your dad was always very fit.
I don,t understand.
Why, nathan? Well, it,s hard to say.
Nathan? I suppose we should just make ourselves at home.
- where,s the bathroom? - oh Right down the end.
I,ll get us a drink.
Poor george.
He loved life so much.
He certainly did.
(rhythmic banging) I don,t like to think of him in any pain.
You don,t think he suffered, do you? God, no.
From what i heard He passed away peacefully.
(strangulated yell) Ah! George, i haven,t come yet.
George.
George? (gasps ) George! george! (porn star screams ) (grunts ) george! - you,ve dealt with it all so well.
- hmm.
George, george, george (sobs ) (wails) george! - nathan! - dad! Do something.
help me.
- (sobs ) - oh! oh! Aagh! no! ah! (both yell) No.
aagh! aagh! we,re attached.
(sobs ) - nathan! - just try and relax.
I,m gonna call an ambulance.
George! aaaaargh! (organ playing softly) I know it,s hard to let go.
- (porn star yelling) - it,s because of the shock, you see.
Her vaginal muscles have gone into spasm.
And we,ve tried but we just can,t prise him off her.
Buthe can,t still have a stiffy.
- well, it certainly looks that way.
- (wailing in agony ) Is he dead? - he,s got no vital signs.
- he,s got one.
I don,t know.
maybe it,s got a mind of its own.
I know mine has.
(porn star yelling) We,ll always have the memory.
(groans ) Hi, this is yolanda, 27.
Down there to the left.
just stay here for me.
ok.
(yolanda yelling and sobbing) I,m sorry.
we tried everything.
there was nothing we could do.
Can i see him? Erm Unfortunately, they,re still attached.
Still?.
We found these in his pocket.
Where the hell did he get They,re probably what caused the heart attack.
- oh, my god.
- they,re certainly what,s causing the, erm Ongoing appendage problem.
(organ playing softly) Like i said It,s always the little things.
Er, hello, mate.
just to let you know, i,ve got to get back, er, after squash tonight.
Peggy,s fixed me up with something.
All right, well, eri,ve just got to finish off at the office.
I might be a bit late.
but fi,s at home.
why don,t i meet you there? No, i,ll, ermeet you at the gym.
Yeah, but i,m not sure what time i,ll get back.
- you,re best off waitin9 at the flat.
- er Well er, yeah.
Yeah.
Why not? I,m sure it,s gonna be fine.
I mean, how long can a woman be angry with you for giving her an std? Hi.
Not that i gave it to her.
No, that was our good friend jcdc, picking it up from one of his boyfriends.
- he,s not back yet.
- yeah, well, i,m a bit early.
Can i come in? Not that i can ever tell her that.
Flat looks nice.
Have you done something? Listen.
Are we ok? I,m sorry about Well, about what happened with, er Well, you know.
With the what? - the, erm - you can,t even say it.
The std you gave me.
Look, i know you,re upset with me.
If i could go back, i,d change everything.
everything.
Do you know what you,ve done to me? - i didn,t mean to - to me and jase? I didn,t mean to.
Honestly, fi.
I wi i wish i,d realised what a Selfish bastard you are.
you only care about yourself.
No, fi.
i care about you.
And i,ll do anything to make you happy.
It,s true.
You,re the last person that could ever do that.
Hiya! - you ok, hon? - yeah.
What do you want for dinner? You.
Well, i,ll be served and waiting.
So Oh! - that,s obstruction.
- get out of it.
- eight-love.
- it,s eight-one.
i,ve got one.
You,re lucky to have love.
It,s eight-one.
Don,t cheat.
Hey, that,s your department.
Come on, just serve.
Er that was deliberate.
- what? - oh, you bastard.
It,s still eight-love.
It,s eight-one.
and don,t call me love.
So what,s up with fi? - what? - when i came in.
That.
oh, i walked through to the kitchen with muddy shoes.
Oh.
- i won,t do that again.
- you,ll be fine.
- yeah, she,s very forgiving.
- yeah.
- she,s just not very forgetting.
- huh.
So what,s happening tonight? Peggy,s invited me out with did you see the talented mr lick me? - oh, my favourite.
- it would be.
- you,re getting cheeky.
- you beat me nine-one.
- i,ll beat you black and blue in a minute.
- don,t! i,ve got a date with a porn star.
- you don,t need help? - you,ve got a woman.
- a beautiful woman.
- that,s true.
And she,s waiting for you.
Yeah, well What? We,re having problems.
- what do you mean? - well You know It,s never happened to me before.
Unless i,ve been drunk.
- you mean - it works fine in the morning, but Right.
- nah, it,s probably nothing.
- course it is, mate.
It,s just you,ve been under a lot of pressure, what with - one thing or another.
- yeah.
I know.
- happens to a lot of guys.
- mm.
- oh, yeah.
we,ve all had it.
- have you? - yeah.
- yeah? Yeah.
I,m having it.
Big time.
- oh, mate.
- fi,s really patient, but She thinks i don,t love her.
and i do.
And i want to show her that.
She,s really down.
And i know it,s all my fault.
Why now, eh? you know.
I was just trying to sort things out.
Well, it,s easily solved, mate.
- where,d you get these? - my transsexual fairy godmother.
I can,t do that! - well, she,s gonna know.
- how? Look, i want things to work out with you, yeah? I know what she means to you, and - i want fi to be happy.
- i don,t think these are gonna do that.
No, but you are.
You,re the only person that can make her happy.
Believe me.
you belong together.
Nathan.
- it,s a nice idea, but - no, just try it.
- i don,t think it will work.
- it will help get the good times rolling again.
That,s what fi wants.
believe me, i know it.
We need to spend some time together.
- i should take her on holiday.
surprise her.
- this will surprise her.
- i need to do more than that.
- all you need to do Is make her laugh, stop being so bloody serious.
I don,t know make love to her on a bed of strawberries, Tell her she,s the most incredible woman sincemary poppins.
- i didn,t realise.
you,re a bit of a romantic.
- i don,t think so.
- deep down? - mm, no.
what,s the point in love? Can,t take it with you.
(car horn blares ) - see you later.
- yeah.
- jase! - there,s more where that came from.
(she giggles ) I,ll give you a call.
Jesus gave up his life for his fellow man.
But we don,t just mourn his passing.
We celebrate his sacrifice.
And it is this that helps us deal with the loss of someone we love.
Oh, my god.
oh, my god! Despite what i said earlier, It,s not always the little things.
36 hours? (fi) you all right, honey? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Sometimes, it,s the big things.
How dare you use viagra behind my back? - it isn,t viagra.
- how do you think it makes me feel?.
- cheers.
- take care.
see you in a bit.
De tal palo, tal astilla.
From such a stick comes such a splinter.
She means you,re a chip off the old block.
Oh, right, yeah.
thank you.
Yolanda said she was going to come.
- but i persuaded her it wasn,t best.
- oh, thank the lord.
- you sure your mum shouldn,t know the truth? - what? are you mad? She has a right to know.
That my dad died re-enacting the last scene from position impossible? Why not? My mum,s a big tom cruise fan.
she wouldn,t appreciate the joke.
Come here.
- how long have we been friends? - and we still don,t know each other.
You,ve got such a rude arse.
You got to know what to do with it.
I can think of a few things.
(mobile bleeps ) Ladies, i have to go.
I,ll see you later, yeah? Why the hell did i listen to you? - i can,t see what i,ve done.
- i look like a bloody dalek.
I looked down at the sheets and thought someone had pitched a tent.
You said you were having problems.
And because of your dumb-ass suggestions, things are a hell of a lot worse.
She says she wants to pack it in, end the relationship.
- that,s what she said? - she went mad.
- all kinds of things started coming out.
- what do you mean? This is the nightmare of all nightmares.
But you were trying to show her you loved her.
She doesn,t understand that.
she won,t believe anything i say.
This is all your fault.
I tried to tell her that.
You told fi it was my fault? Well, you gave me these sodding things.
- oh, thanks.
mate.
- it wasn,t my idea, was it? It was you who screwed up your relationship.
i just tried to help.
- i,ve given up mani.
- oh, well done.
I was trying to sort things out.
i told you that.
jesus! A great friend you are.
why did i ask you about relationships? what the fuck do you know? Cock.
(mobile ) (ringing stops ) (ringing tone ) Hi, you,ve reached fi.
please leave a messa9e after the beep.
thank you.
(beep) (bell tolling) The thing about the little things Is you tend to forget them when faced with the big things.
Aagh! Tit! (buzzer) when desolation comes to call on you and decides to stay a while and desperation seems to cloud the view when those tears are in your eyes as trouble towers like a mountain i,ll help you to ascend don,t surrender I feel i should be upset.
Were you very close? But he,s still my dad.
I left ,em on the floor.
You,re not responsible for his death.
Maybe it wasn,t even the pills.
Lots of little things That came together.
I could, erm - i could call jase for you, if you like.
- nah.
No, i,m fine.
Well, i can get off in about half an hour if you want to have a chat, a drink or something.
Yeah.
yeah, that,d be good.
Ok.
- you ok? - yeah.
really appreciate you coming.
- i wish i could,ve done more.
- no, you were brilliant.
Honestly, mate, it wasn,t your fault.
But it,s just everything.
it,s the fact we rowed.
It,s almost the last thing It was the last conversation we had.
i mean, if he,d,ve listened to me - what? - but i shouldn,t have gone off I should,ve stayed with him.
he came to see me and i went off and left him.
In the arms of a porn star.
Mate, don,t do this to yourself.
- how,d your mum take it? - oh! I justtold her he was dead.
I couldn,ttell her about the - appendage? - mm.
I didn,t want to kill two parents in one evening.
I mean, why my mum ever took him back and gave him a second chance That,s love, isn,t it? But she,s an intelligent woman.
Mm.
Doesn,t work like that, believe me.
- you know, it,s - what? - nah, doesn,t matter.
- no, go on.
Well, it,s like me and jase.
He came over to my place earlier and said he,d split up with his girlfriend.
If you,d asked me, i,d,ve said, ,,there,s no way i,m gonna give him a second chance.
,, - but - when was this? This was why i was late coming into the hospital.
- i don,t believe it.
- you don,t know why you love someone I mean i do, yeah, but I also know how confused Sorry, tell me exactly what he said.
That it,s all over with fi and that Yeah - he,s certain it,s over.
- and you believe him? This time i do, yeah.
I think he means it.
(mani) how,s your mum? - does she know? - no.
Mate, are you sure that,s a good idea? There,s a real chance she,ll find out.
Oh, shit.
We,re going to go over to the reception.
Oh, hi.
We,ve met.
- have you? - no, no, i don,t think so.
Well, this is mani.
- and this is fi.
- hello.
And this is, er This is fucking ridiculous.
I,m jase.
- hi.
- hi.
Mani treated my dad in the hospital.
- oh, right.
you,re a doctor.
- yeah.
- and you? - (both) a chef.
- and what do you do? - i,m a corporate account manager.
Oh.
I,d be really interested to talk to you sometime.
And i don,t think it,s about where to put his mini isa.
- you all right getting home, mate? - yeah, i,ll find my way.
Well, i,m glad, you know, we,ve had a chance to talk and stuff.
Yeah.
and me.
And i can see why jase Why, you know Why he likes you.
I mean, i,m not saying i like you the way he likes you.
- i know what you,re saying.
- i mean if i was, i would, but i,m not.
I,m not saying he is, but i know he does or i think he does, but I definitely don,t.
(sniffs ) Well, not with men.
So Well, you know what i,m saying.
So you think i,m right to give him a second chance? Yeah, maybe you,re right.
Maybe if you were in love, you,d You,d do the same, you know? Night, mate.
see you later.
I wish someone would give me a second chance.
(mani) i knew there was something wrong.
(jase ) can we keep our voices down? - you haven,t finished with her, have you? - just listen to me.
Why? you think i wanna hear any more of your lies? It,s not that bloody simple.
It would be if you weren,t such a lying manipulative bastard.
I didn,t lie.
No wonder you haven,t returned any of my calls.
- mani.
- not interested.
- just listen.
- piss off back to your fucking girlfriend.
- you think i want this? - don,t touch me! I,m trying to sort this out.
please! for god,s sake, mani, it,s not easy.
At least now you don,t have to worry about me.
You,ve just got to give me some time.
If i,m not around, there,s no fucking pressure.
you can sort out who the hell you are And what the hell you want with fi.
And what about us? There is no us, jase.
Look - maybe in a year.
- you,ll have met someone.
I can,t answer that, jase.
- you don,t even know what you want.
- but i know how i feel about you.
- and what about fi? - it,s not the same.
it,s different.
I can,t explain.
she She doesn,t deserve this.
Jesus.
Look, i,m not blaming you.
Ok? You told me you were in a relationship.
It,s my fault.
- but you said it.
you need time.
- but i don,t want to lose you.
This isn,t what i want, jase.
I can,t I can,t do this.
You have to decide.
I can,t do it for you.
- sorry.
- that,s ok.
Enjoy the food.
Sorry, i just need to have a quick word with fay.
- would you like another drink, fay? - thank you.
i,ll have a sherry.
The more i see of men, the more i feel like a woman.
- what are you trying to do to me? - i,m chatting.
That,s what women do.
You,re not going to tell her.
If you carry on like this, i will.
I i just heard what happened.
- you what? - fay told me.
- you don,t deserve this.
- i know.
- you,re a lovely man, nathan.
- you still think that? Yes.
in spanish we say ,,if you want the dog, accept the fleas.
,, - i like that.
- it,s true.
If you love someone, you must accept their faults.
Well, i,ve got plenty of fleas.
I,m really glad you came.
I didn,t think you,d forgive me.
When i heard about your dad, i realised there are more important things in life.
Yes, it certainly puts things in perspective.
You still have feelings for her, don,t you? No.
no.
all that,s past.
Ok.
- hasta pronto, yes? - yes.
Do you know what that means? - see you soon.
- ah.
hasta pronto.
- i,ll teach you spanish one day, ok? - sì.
Ah, muy bien.
Remember, there is no bad from which good does not come.
Believe me, there is no one less discreet than a transsexual with a glass of sherry.
Ladies.
how are we? drinks? Maybe not.
- how,s it going, then? - very well, considering.
Fay,s just been telling me a very interesting story.
- really? - i think you know it.
I had to tell your mum.
About fabian,s friend who,s m to f.
Male-to-female transsexual.
- and she,s a page three girl.
- and no one knows! That story.
When you think about it, i don,t really see why it matters.
No.
well, if he,s the best man for the job.
Nice to have met you.
He,s such a lovely woman.
- i know.
- she was also telling me about yolanda.
- who? - the woman dad was with when he died.
Oh, yes.
- the wedding planner.
- i thought she was a porn star.
When things get tough.
but that night she was definitely a wedding planner.
- that,s why she was with dad.
- who was he gonna marry? - you.
- but we weren,t divorced.
I told him that, but He loved you so much, mum, he wanted to renew your vows.
Oh, what a shame.
It sounded much more fun when your dad died shagging a porn star.
Nathan.
The hospital sent me a medical report.
- you knew everything.
- well I didn,t know she was in the talented mr lick me.
Don,t look at me like that.
I spent a lifetime with your dad.
i knew what he was like, love.
But then Why,d you take him back? Because i loved him.
i missed him.
After what he did? When you get older, you,ll realise that a lot of things happen in a relationship.
In the end, it isn,t the big things, you get through those It,s the everyday things, the little things, that,s what matters.
Life won,t be the same without him.
You,ve got me.
- why wouldn,t you tell me? - i didn,t want to upset you.
- you,re a bit like your dad.
- er, no, i,m not.
It wasn,t exactly that he avoided the truth.
More that his truth wasn,t quite the same as everyone else,s.
Don,t make a habit of it.
It,ll ruin your life.
when desolation comes to call on you and decides They say bad luck comes in threes.
- this is a pack of eight.
- (buzzer) and desperation seems to cloud the view when those tears are in your eyes - hi.
- hi.
Is this a bad time? No.
- are you ok? - it was a long day.
- i thought i,d see if you were all right.
- that,s kind.
- you look pale.
- yeah, well, that,s just the way i am.
I have to wear factor 4o just to go out in strong moonlight.
- where,s jase? - no idea.
- has he told you what,s been going on? - he,s told me a bit.
- what did he say? - he blames me.
Well, you know why.
How dare you use viagra behind my back? - it isn,t viagra.
- how do you think it makes me feel?.
- it was a mistake.
- yeah.
What does this say about our relationship? It happens to lots of blokes.
it happened to nathan.
- have you told him? - imentioned it.
- what else have you said? - nothing.
Don,t lie! what have you said to him? - all he was trying to do was help.
- what does that mean? I needed to talk to someone.
Was this his idea? Jase! All it was was he wanted things to work out between us.
- that,s what he said? - i love you, fi, you know i do.
No, no, tell me about this conversation.
Ok.
I,ll tell you what he said.
That we belong together.
He wants you to be happy.
And that i was the person to make you happy.
he cares about us.
And he cares about you, fi.
that,s why he gave me those pills.
I didn,t do this for some cheap thrill.
I did this for you.
To make you happy.
Why do you need them? It,s never been about sex with us.
You,ve always meant more to me.
I want you to want me.
I do! And what i don,t understand is why you didn,t talk to me.
I know.
I should have done.
I need time to think.
i,m not sure we should carry on.
- come on, we,re both tired.
- no.
I,ve goneas far as i can.
- i do love you, but - let,s not have this conversation now.
It,s what i,m feeling, jase.
Because i couldn,t get a hard-on? - it,s more than that.
- because i spoke to nathan? It,s lots of things, jase.
Yeah, well.
It was my idea.
Bloody stupid pills.
Well, in some ways it was lucky.
Yeah.
yeah, could have been a lot worse.
- look how my dad ended up.
- i wanted to see you that night.
(mobile ) (fi) you didn,t answer.
Well, i,m not surprised.
i had already bawled you out once that evenin9.
(phone ringing, hairdryer whirring) Hi, you,ve reached fi.
please leave a messa9e after the beep.
thank you.
- aagh! - (fi) i thou9ht you were hidin9.
Tit! (fi) i stood there, starin9 at your flat, wantin9 you to come down.
I knew exactly what i was 9onna say to you.
But you weren,t there.
I,m here now.
- what were you gonna say? - i was absolutely furious with you.
Right.
it,s a good job we missed each other, then.
It certainly was.
Do you still think that? Well When i thought about it, i thought well, i know what you did was really stupid.
But you trying to give jase a Well, trying to sort out our sex life.
It was really sweet.
Particularly as i know well, i think i know What you feel about me.
It was actually incredibly selfless.
That you put him first.
Tried to help him sort things out.
It made me realise what you,re really like.
Right.
I think i,ve beenvery unfair on you.
- some of the things i said.
- i thought you hated me.
I did.
and sometimes i hated you so much becau (sighs ) Because i hate what you do to me.
What do i do to you? - i can,t say it.
- well You know what i think.
Do you? even still?.
Totally.
Absolutely.
Completely.
- you know what,s wrong with you? - what? Nothing.
- i don,t want you to feel guilty.
- let,s worry about that in the morning.
- (mobile ) - (laughs ) - it might be jase.
- i,m still staying here tonight.
It,s me.
it,s mani.
- what,s happened? - jase has had an accident.
- you need to get down the hospital.
- what kind of accident? It looks pretty bad.
it,s a bit of a lon9 story.
The driver of the car said he just came out straight in front of her.
it,s not the man inside the fi9ht that kills but the fi9ht inside the man - # so if you need a li9ht # - (sighs ) it,s always the little things.
to 9uide you i wish i loved you don,t surrender i,ll be a friend to you don,t surrender it,s just a phase you,re 9oin9 throu9h oh now don,t you ever be embarrassed by your tears remember salvation is near
Here you go, nathan.
- it,s a freebie.
- what is it? A new drug.
it turns your floppy into a hard drive.
No use to me.
You become some kind of iron man dick-athlete.
- i don,t need it.
- ,,for up to 36 hours.
,, Hm.
Nah.
no, i don,t like staying up past my bedtime.
We,re gonna finish this over a drink.
do you two want to join us later? - we,d love to.
- see you over there.
Don,t overdose.
I don,t want you giving peter a surprise at the pearly gates.
Should i be worried that a transsexual thinks i,ve got erectile dysfunction? Hello, mate.
just to let you know I,ve got to get back after squash tonight.
peggy,s fixed me up with something.
All right.
well, eri,ve just got to finish off at the office.
I might be a bit late.
but fi,s at home.
why don,t i meet you there? No, i,ll, ermeet you at the gym.
Yeah, but i,m not sure what time i,ll get back.
- you,re best off waitin9 at the flat.
- er, well Er, yeah.
Yeah.
Why not? It,s the little things.
the tiny things.
You hardly even notice.
And then later, much later (door thuds ) (door thuds ) Typical of my dad.
Never there when i wanted him, and always there when i didn,t.
Why didn,t you ring me and tell me you were coming? - i thought it,d be a nice surprise for you.
- it,s brilliant.
It,s just such a shame you came tonight.
I,ve got this important works do.
Can,t you change it, tell them your long-lost dad,s in town? (sighs ) if it was any other night i would.
I,m meeting this massive client.
Well, i,m only here one night.
why don,t i come along? You can,t, dad.
this isn,t some ordinary bod.
It,s a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity with an international hotshot.
You,re one of nathan,s favourite actresses.
Well, it,s between you and judi dench.
(foreign accent) and which of my films did you most enjoy? Oh.
well, that,s not easy.
Come on, nathan, if you had to have a toss-up.
Erit would be between - position impossible - which one? I liked all the positions.
- and - it,s got to be the talented mr lick me.
Oh, i enjoyed making that.
- you,re forgetting the texas dildo massacre.
- oh, i could never forget that.
No, if i had to have a desert island dvd - it would have to be - et.
The extra testicle.
Do you know, none of that was special effects? It had a special effect on me.
It wasn,t a question of whether my dad could handle a night with a dutch porn star, More whether she could handle a night with my dad.
Sohow long was your longest session? (sighs ) he was almost a god.
But on the sixth day he rested.
I,m impressed.
because i know for women, usually their thighs get tired.
They,re obviously not having enough training.
(laughs ) yeah.
How often do youtrain? On average? As often as i can.
Five, six times a day.
On average.
I want all this in the blog.
With plenty of tips.
And what do you do, george? Oh, i go from town to town, Selling my wares.
And what do you sell?.
Era salesman sells his honesty.
His honesty? People buy it all the time.
- (giggles ) - listen! He just sells toner cartridges.
- he,s got something.
- yeah.
a wife.
(sniffs ) - you,re hitting on her.
- what, can,t take the competition? - how would mum feel?.
- i don,t think she,d be as hysterical as you.
She,s just given you a second chance.
I know that.
- if you hurt her, dad - oh, nathan.
I,ve only ever loved one woman in my life.
What were you doing with all the rest? I don,t expect you to understand.
i know it was hard for you.
- i,m not interested in all that.
- nathan, i came to see you.
Yeah, cos you,re in town, you,re a mean git and you don,t want to pay for a hotel.
Just chatting.
it,s a bit of fun.
But i,m a changed man.
from now on, i,m gonna be faithful.
Oh, yeah? that,s about the only thing you,ve never tried with a woman.
I,m sure he,s up there somewhere, looking down on us.
Yeah.
(fay ) your dad reminds me of you.
No, he doesn,t.
Yeah.
only difference is, he,s sexy.
You,ve got such a rude arse.
You got to know what to do with it.
I can think of a few things.
(mobile bleeps ) Ladies, i have to go.
I,ll see you later, yeah? What a night, eh? It,s only just begun.
Your dad was always very fit.
I don,t understand.
Why, nathan? Well, it,s hard to say.
Nathan? I suppose we should just make ourselves at home.
- where,s the bathroom? - oh Right down the end.
I,ll get us a drink.
Poor george.
He loved life so much.
He certainly did.
(rhythmic banging) I don,t like to think of him in any pain.
You don,t think he suffered, do you? God, no.
From what i heard He passed away peacefully.
(strangulated yell) Ah! George, i haven,t come yet.
George.
George? (gasps ) George! george! (porn star screams ) (grunts ) george! - you,ve dealt with it all so well.
- hmm.
George, george, george (sobs ) (wails) george! - nathan! - dad! Do something.
help me.
- (sobs ) - oh! oh! Aagh! no! ah! (both yell) No.
aagh! aagh! we,re attached.
(sobs ) - nathan! - just try and relax.
I,m gonna call an ambulance.
George! aaaaargh! (organ playing softly) I know it,s hard to let go.
- (porn star yelling) - it,s because of the shock, you see.
Her vaginal muscles have gone into spasm.
And we,ve tried but we just can,t prise him off her.
Buthe can,t still have a stiffy.
- well, it certainly looks that way.
- (wailing in agony ) Is he dead? - he,s got no vital signs.
- he,s got one.
I don,t know.
maybe it,s got a mind of its own.
I know mine has.
(porn star yelling) We,ll always have the memory.
(groans ) Hi, this is yolanda, 27.
Down there to the left.
just stay here for me.
ok.
(yolanda yelling and sobbing) I,m sorry.
we tried everything.
there was nothing we could do.
Can i see him? Erm Unfortunately, they,re still attached.
Still?.
We found these in his pocket.
Where the hell did he get They,re probably what caused the heart attack.
- oh, my god.
- they,re certainly what,s causing the, erm Ongoing appendage problem.
(organ playing softly) Like i said It,s always the little things.
Er, hello, mate.
just to let you know, i,ve got to get back, er, after squash tonight.
Peggy,s fixed me up with something.
All right, well, eri,ve just got to finish off at the office.
I might be a bit late.
but fi,s at home.
why don,t i meet you there? No, i,ll, ermeet you at the gym.
Yeah, but i,m not sure what time i,ll get back.
- you,re best off waitin9 at the flat.
- er Well er, yeah.
Yeah.
Why not? I,m sure it,s gonna be fine.
I mean, how long can a woman be angry with you for giving her an std? Hi.
Not that i gave it to her.
No, that was our good friend jcdc, picking it up from one of his boyfriends.
- he,s not back yet.
- yeah, well, i,m a bit early.
Can i come in? Not that i can ever tell her that.
Flat looks nice.
Have you done something? Listen.
Are we ok? I,m sorry about Well, about what happened with, er Well, you know.
With the what? - the, erm - you can,t even say it.
The std you gave me.
Look, i know you,re upset with me.
If i could go back, i,d change everything.
everything.
Do you know what you,ve done to me? - i didn,t mean to - to me and jase? I didn,t mean to.
Honestly, fi.
I wi i wish i,d realised what a Selfish bastard you are.
you only care about yourself.
No, fi.
i care about you.
And i,ll do anything to make you happy.
It,s true.
You,re the last person that could ever do that.
Hiya! - you ok, hon? - yeah.
What do you want for dinner? You.
Well, i,ll be served and waiting.
So Oh! - that,s obstruction.
- get out of it.
- eight-love.
- it,s eight-one.
i,ve got one.
You,re lucky to have love.
It,s eight-one.
Don,t cheat.
Hey, that,s your department.
Come on, just serve.
Er that was deliberate.
- what? - oh, you bastard.
It,s still eight-love.
It,s eight-one.
and don,t call me love.
So what,s up with fi? - what? - when i came in.
That.
oh, i walked through to the kitchen with muddy shoes.
Oh.
- i won,t do that again.
- you,ll be fine.
- yeah, she,s very forgiving.
- yeah.
- she,s just not very forgetting.
- huh.
So what,s happening tonight? Peggy,s invited me out with did you see the talented mr lick me? - oh, my favourite.
- it would be.
- you,re getting cheeky.
- you beat me nine-one.
- i,ll beat you black and blue in a minute.
- don,t! i,ve got a date with a porn star.
- you don,t need help? - you,ve got a woman.
- a beautiful woman.
- that,s true.
And she,s waiting for you.
Yeah, well What? We,re having problems.
- what do you mean? - well You know It,s never happened to me before.
Unless i,ve been drunk.
- you mean - it works fine in the morning, but Right.
- nah, it,s probably nothing.
- course it is, mate.
It,s just you,ve been under a lot of pressure, what with - one thing or another.
- yeah.
I know.
- happens to a lot of guys.
- mm.
- oh, yeah.
we,ve all had it.
- have you? - yeah.
- yeah? Yeah.
I,m having it.
Big time.
- oh, mate.
- fi,s really patient, but She thinks i don,t love her.
and i do.
And i want to show her that.
She,s really down.
And i know it,s all my fault.
Why now, eh? you know.
I was just trying to sort things out.
Well, it,s easily solved, mate.
- where,d you get these? - my transsexual fairy godmother.
I can,t do that! - well, she,s gonna know.
- how? Look, i want things to work out with you, yeah? I know what she means to you, and - i want fi to be happy.
- i don,t think these are gonna do that.
No, but you are.
You,re the only person that can make her happy.
Believe me.
you belong together.
Nathan.
- it,s a nice idea, but - no, just try it.
- i don,t think it will work.
- it will help get the good times rolling again.
That,s what fi wants.
believe me, i know it.
We need to spend some time together.
- i should take her on holiday.
surprise her.
- this will surprise her.
- i need to do more than that.
- all you need to do Is make her laugh, stop being so bloody serious.
I don,t know make love to her on a bed of strawberries, Tell her she,s the most incredible woman sincemary poppins.
- i didn,t realise.
you,re a bit of a romantic.
- i don,t think so.
- deep down? - mm, no.
what,s the point in love? Can,t take it with you.
(car horn blares ) - see you later.
- yeah.
- jase! - there,s more where that came from.
(she giggles ) I,ll give you a call.
Jesus gave up his life for his fellow man.
But we don,t just mourn his passing.
We celebrate his sacrifice.
And it is this that helps us deal with the loss of someone we love.
Oh, my god.
oh, my god! Despite what i said earlier, It,s not always the little things.
36 hours? (fi) you all right, honey? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Sometimes, it,s the big things.
How dare you use viagra behind my back? - it isn,t viagra.
- how do you think it makes me feel?.
- cheers.
- take care.
see you in a bit.
De tal palo, tal astilla.
From such a stick comes such a splinter.
She means you,re a chip off the old block.
Oh, right, yeah.
thank you.
Yolanda said she was going to come.
- but i persuaded her it wasn,t best.
- oh, thank the lord.
- you sure your mum shouldn,t know the truth? - what? are you mad? She has a right to know.
That my dad died re-enacting the last scene from position impossible? Why not? My mum,s a big tom cruise fan.
she wouldn,t appreciate the joke.
Come here.
- how long have we been friends? - and we still don,t know each other.
You,ve got such a rude arse.
You got to know what to do with it.
I can think of a few things.
(mobile bleeps ) Ladies, i have to go.
I,ll see you later, yeah? Why the hell did i listen to you? - i can,t see what i,ve done.
- i look like a bloody dalek.
I looked down at the sheets and thought someone had pitched a tent.
You said you were having problems.
And because of your dumb-ass suggestions, things are a hell of a lot worse.
She says she wants to pack it in, end the relationship.
- that,s what she said? - she went mad.
- all kinds of things started coming out.
- what do you mean? This is the nightmare of all nightmares.
But you were trying to show her you loved her.
She doesn,t understand that.
she won,t believe anything i say.
This is all your fault.
I tried to tell her that.
You told fi it was my fault? Well, you gave me these sodding things.
- oh, thanks.
mate.
- it wasn,t my idea, was it? It was you who screwed up your relationship.
i just tried to help.
- i,ve given up mani.
- oh, well done.
I was trying to sort things out.
i told you that.
jesus! A great friend you are.
why did i ask you about relationships? what the fuck do you know? Cock.
(mobile ) (ringing stops ) (ringing tone ) Hi, you,ve reached fi.
please leave a messa9e after the beep.
thank you.
(beep) (bell tolling) The thing about the little things Is you tend to forget them when faced with the big things.
Aagh! Tit! (buzzer) when desolation comes to call on you and decides to stay a while and desperation seems to cloud the view when those tears are in your eyes as trouble towers like a mountain i,ll help you to ascend don,t surrender I feel i should be upset.
Were you very close? But he,s still my dad.
I left ,em on the floor.
You,re not responsible for his death.
Maybe it wasn,t even the pills.
Lots of little things That came together.
I could, erm - i could call jase for you, if you like.
- nah.
No, i,m fine.
Well, i can get off in about half an hour if you want to have a chat, a drink or something.
Yeah.
yeah, that,d be good.
Ok.
- you ok? - yeah.
really appreciate you coming.
- i wish i could,ve done more.
- no, you were brilliant.
Honestly, mate, it wasn,t your fault.
But it,s just everything.
it,s the fact we rowed.
It,s almost the last thing It was the last conversation we had.
i mean, if he,d,ve listened to me - what? - but i shouldn,t have gone off I should,ve stayed with him.
he came to see me and i went off and left him.
In the arms of a porn star.
Mate, don,t do this to yourself.
- how,d your mum take it? - oh! I justtold her he was dead.
I couldn,ttell her about the - appendage? - mm.
I didn,t want to kill two parents in one evening.
I mean, why my mum ever took him back and gave him a second chance That,s love, isn,t it? But she,s an intelligent woman.
Mm.
Doesn,t work like that, believe me.
- you know, it,s - what? - nah, doesn,t matter.
- no, go on.
Well, it,s like me and jase.
He came over to my place earlier and said he,d split up with his girlfriend.
If you,d asked me, i,d,ve said, ,,there,s no way i,m gonna give him a second chance.
,, - but - when was this? This was why i was late coming into the hospital.
- i don,t believe it.
- you don,t know why you love someone I mean i do, yeah, but I also know how confused Sorry, tell me exactly what he said.
That it,s all over with fi and that Yeah - he,s certain it,s over.
- and you believe him? This time i do, yeah.
I think he means it.
(mani) how,s your mum? - does she know? - no.
Mate, are you sure that,s a good idea? There,s a real chance she,ll find out.
Oh, shit.
We,re going to go over to the reception.
Oh, hi.
We,ve met.
- have you? - no, no, i don,t think so.
Well, this is mani.
- and this is fi.
- hello.
And this is, er This is fucking ridiculous.
I,m jase.
- hi.
- hi.
Mani treated my dad in the hospital.
- oh, right.
you,re a doctor.
- yeah.
- and you? - (both) a chef.
- and what do you do? - i,m a corporate account manager.
Oh.
I,d be really interested to talk to you sometime.
And i don,t think it,s about where to put his mini isa.
- you all right getting home, mate? - yeah, i,ll find my way.
Well, i,m glad, you know, we,ve had a chance to talk and stuff.
Yeah.
and me.
And i can see why jase Why, you know Why he likes you.
I mean, i,m not saying i like you the way he likes you.
- i know what you,re saying.
- i mean if i was, i would, but i,m not.
I,m not saying he is, but i know he does or i think he does, but I definitely don,t.
(sniffs ) Well, not with men.
So Well, you know what i,m saying.
So you think i,m right to give him a second chance? Yeah, maybe you,re right.
Maybe if you were in love, you,d You,d do the same, you know? Night, mate.
see you later.
I wish someone would give me a second chance.
(mani) i knew there was something wrong.
(jase ) can we keep our voices down? - you haven,t finished with her, have you? - just listen to me.
Why? you think i wanna hear any more of your lies? It,s not that bloody simple.
It would be if you weren,t such a lying manipulative bastard.
I didn,t lie.
No wonder you haven,t returned any of my calls.
- mani.
- not interested.
- just listen.
- piss off back to your fucking girlfriend.
- you think i want this? - don,t touch me! I,m trying to sort this out.
please! for god,s sake, mani, it,s not easy.
At least now you don,t have to worry about me.
You,ve just got to give me some time.
If i,m not around, there,s no fucking pressure.
you can sort out who the hell you are And what the hell you want with fi.
And what about us? There is no us, jase.
Look - maybe in a year.
- you,ll have met someone.
I can,t answer that, jase.
- you don,t even know what you want.
- but i know how i feel about you.
- and what about fi? - it,s not the same.
it,s different.
I can,t explain.
she She doesn,t deserve this.
Jesus.
Look, i,m not blaming you.
Ok? You told me you were in a relationship.
It,s my fault.
- but you said it.
you need time.
- but i don,t want to lose you.
This isn,t what i want, jase.
I can,t I can,t do this.
You have to decide.
I can,t do it for you.
- sorry.
- that,s ok.
Enjoy the food.
Sorry, i just need to have a quick word with fay.
- would you like another drink, fay? - thank you.
i,ll have a sherry.
The more i see of men, the more i feel like a woman.
- what are you trying to do to me? - i,m chatting.
That,s what women do.
You,re not going to tell her.
If you carry on like this, i will.
I i just heard what happened.
- you what? - fay told me.
- you don,t deserve this.
- i know.
- you,re a lovely man, nathan.
- you still think that? Yes.
in spanish we say ,,if you want the dog, accept the fleas.
,, - i like that.
- it,s true.
If you love someone, you must accept their faults.
Well, i,ve got plenty of fleas.
I,m really glad you came.
I didn,t think you,d forgive me.
When i heard about your dad, i realised there are more important things in life.
Yes, it certainly puts things in perspective.
You still have feelings for her, don,t you? No.
no.
all that,s past.
Ok.
- hasta pronto, yes? - yes.
Do you know what that means? - see you soon.
- ah.
hasta pronto.
- i,ll teach you spanish one day, ok? - sì.
Ah, muy bien.
Remember, there is no bad from which good does not come.
Believe me, there is no one less discreet than a transsexual with a glass of sherry.
Ladies.
how are we? drinks? Maybe not.
- how,s it going, then? - very well, considering.
Fay,s just been telling me a very interesting story.
- really? - i think you know it.
I had to tell your mum.
About fabian,s friend who,s m to f.
Male-to-female transsexual.
- and she,s a page three girl.
- and no one knows! That story.
When you think about it, i don,t really see why it matters.
No.
well, if he,s the best man for the job.
Nice to have met you.
He,s such a lovely woman.
- i know.
- she was also telling me about yolanda.
- who? - the woman dad was with when he died.
Oh, yes.
- the wedding planner.
- i thought she was a porn star.
When things get tough.
but that night she was definitely a wedding planner.
- that,s why she was with dad.
- who was he gonna marry? - you.
- but we weren,t divorced.
I told him that, but He loved you so much, mum, he wanted to renew your vows.
Oh, what a shame.
It sounded much more fun when your dad died shagging a porn star.
Nathan.
The hospital sent me a medical report.
- you knew everything.
- well I didn,t know she was in the talented mr lick me.
Don,t look at me like that.
I spent a lifetime with your dad.
i knew what he was like, love.
But then Why,d you take him back? Because i loved him.
i missed him.
After what he did? When you get older, you,ll realise that a lot of things happen in a relationship.
In the end, it isn,t the big things, you get through those It,s the everyday things, the little things, that,s what matters.
Life won,t be the same without him.
You,ve got me.
- why wouldn,t you tell me? - i didn,t want to upset you.
- you,re a bit like your dad.
- er, no, i,m not.
It wasn,t exactly that he avoided the truth.
More that his truth wasn,t quite the same as everyone else,s.
Don,t make a habit of it.
It,ll ruin your life.
when desolation comes to call on you and decides They say bad luck comes in threes.
- this is a pack of eight.
- (buzzer) and desperation seems to cloud the view when those tears are in your eyes - hi.
- hi.
Is this a bad time? No.
- are you ok? - it was a long day.
- i thought i,d see if you were all right.
- that,s kind.
- you look pale.
- yeah, well, that,s just the way i am.
I have to wear factor 4o just to go out in strong moonlight.
- where,s jase? - no idea.
- has he told you what,s been going on? - he,s told me a bit.
- what did he say? - he blames me.
Well, you know why.
How dare you use viagra behind my back? - it isn,t viagra.
- how do you think it makes me feel?.
- it was a mistake.
- yeah.
What does this say about our relationship? It happens to lots of blokes.
it happened to nathan.
- have you told him? - imentioned it.
- what else have you said? - nothing.
Don,t lie! what have you said to him? - all he was trying to do was help.
- what does that mean? I needed to talk to someone.
Was this his idea? Jase! All it was was he wanted things to work out between us.
- that,s what he said? - i love you, fi, you know i do.
No, no, tell me about this conversation.
Ok.
I,ll tell you what he said.
That we belong together.
He wants you to be happy.
And that i was the person to make you happy.
he cares about us.
And he cares about you, fi.
that,s why he gave me those pills.
I didn,t do this for some cheap thrill.
I did this for you.
To make you happy.
Why do you need them? It,s never been about sex with us.
You,ve always meant more to me.
I want you to want me.
I do! And what i don,t understand is why you didn,t talk to me.
I know.
I should have done.
I need time to think.
i,m not sure we should carry on.
- come on, we,re both tired.
- no.
I,ve goneas far as i can.
- i do love you, but - let,s not have this conversation now.
It,s what i,m feeling, jase.
Because i couldn,t get a hard-on? - it,s more than that.
- because i spoke to nathan? It,s lots of things, jase.
Yeah, well.
It was my idea.
Bloody stupid pills.
Well, in some ways it was lucky.
Yeah.
yeah, could have been a lot worse.
- look how my dad ended up.
- i wanted to see you that night.
(mobile ) (fi) you didn,t answer.
Well, i,m not surprised.
i had already bawled you out once that evenin9.
(phone ringing, hairdryer whirring) Hi, you,ve reached fi.
please leave a messa9e after the beep.
thank you.
- aagh! - (fi) i thou9ht you were hidin9.
Tit! (fi) i stood there, starin9 at your flat, wantin9 you to come down.
I knew exactly what i was 9onna say to you.
But you weren,t there.
I,m here now.
- what were you gonna say? - i was absolutely furious with you.
Right.
it,s a good job we missed each other, then.
It certainly was.
Do you still think that? Well When i thought about it, i thought well, i know what you did was really stupid.
But you trying to give jase a Well, trying to sort out our sex life.
It was really sweet.
Particularly as i know well, i think i know What you feel about me.
It was actually incredibly selfless.
That you put him first.
Tried to help him sort things out.
It made me realise what you,re really like.
Right.
I think i,ve beenvery unfair on you.
- some of the things i said.
- i thought you hated me.
I did.
and sometimes i hated you so much becau (sighs ) Because i hate what you do to me.
What do i do to you? - i can,t say it.
- well You know what i think.
Do you? even still?.
Totally.
Absolutely.
Completely.
- you know what,s wrong with you? - what? Nothing.
- i don,t want you to feel guilty.
- let,s worry about that in the morning.
- (mobile ) - (laughs ) - it might be jase.
- i,m still staying here tonight.
It,s me.
it,s mani.
- what,s happened? - jase has had an accident.
- you need to get down the hospital.
- what kind of accident? It looks pretty bad.
it,s a bit of a lon9 story.
The driver of the car said he just came out straight in front of her.
it,s not the man inside the fi9ht that kills but the fi9ht inside the man - # so if you need a li9ht # - (sighs ) it,s always the little things.
to 9uide you i wish i loved you don,t surrender i,ll be a friend to you don,t surrender it,s just a phase you,re 9oin9 throu9h oh now don,t you ever be embarrassed by your tears remember salvation is near