Still Open All Hours (2013) s06e06 Episode Script
Series 6, Episode 6
And they say married people don't talk to each other.
- How come you never married? - What do you mean, "never"? Still plenty of time.
Waiting for a bargain, are you? How are you today, Mr Newbold? How did you know that it was me, damn it? I'm supposed to be an anonymous figure.
Trying to avoid Mrs Featherstone, are we? - Wouldn't you? - Well, yes, I would.
There you are, Wilburn! How did you know I was here, you tall, psychic person? It could still be yours.
It's not too late.
Mrs Avery, it's a little bit early for a bubble bath! What? What did you say? - What? - Look.
Closer.
You'll not be able to see.
Yeah.
I can't see anything.
- Just there.
- You're having me on! Oh, I must get my eyes checked.
I can't see a thing in these glasses.
Yes, all right, all right.
Very funny.
I don't think.
All right.
Yes, all right Yes, all right, I'm only borrowing it.
You can have it back later.
Right? And you.
It is pitch-black out there.
You do realise we're becoming creatures of the night? Your mother was a creature of the night.
Usually one night.
I don't believe a word you say about her.
You don't believe a word I say about anything.
Because you tell such stories! Think of it more as shopkeepers' poetic licence.
You told Cyril that the sacred food of the ancient druids was Yorkshire pudding.
For which there is ample evidence.
Where? On their sacrificial altars.
The stains.
The Romans thought it were blood.
But modern science has proved that it were gravy.
Anyway, Cyril got a bargain.
Talking of bargains, we've got a bargain coming from Spain.
Oh, you never said.
No, I know I didn't.
It's a surprise.
I thought I'd keep it for you.
I bought a whole crate of Spanish specialities.
- Cheap.
- Cheap? That's your speciality.
Probably be enough in there to start our own tapas bar.
- Give me a hand.
- Oh, right.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I'm absolutely shattered.
I've been at that Madge's all night.
You've been at Madge's? All night? I thought a couple of hours would do it but, it were trickier than I thought.
Progress! Progress at last! You finally made it! Hand in your overalls.
Why did it take you so long? Well, I had to replace a few parts.
What with? You You had some bits missing? No, not missing, you know, just, clapped out.
I think we're at cross-purposes here.
Gastric, what were you doing at Madge's all night? I were fixing her boiler.
It were an emergency.
She needs the hot water for her business.
You do realise, don't you, there is a law from 1482 that states if a serf stays the night with a lady, they have to get married? Even if you had to nip back home for your ratchet threader? - No, no, no.
I don't know - I don't, I can't, I don't This hot water comes to you courtesy of Gastric.
You treat him like your personal servant.
I spoil Gastric.
I feed him when he's here.
A sandwich in his dirty hand.
He can wash it if he wants.
But there's no hot water because you only send for him when there's no hot water.
What's he going to do here if there's nothing for him to repair? Why don't you invite him socially some time? Put a bit of make-up on, pretend you've got a softer side.
We chat while he's working.
What kind of romance is that? They're never going to turn it into a musical.
Who said anything about a romance? Can't stop.
Just passing.
I hear Gastric was seen vacating these premises at some unearthly hour.
Now, don't spoil him.
We all need his skills occasionally.
You won't remember Mrs Rossi, will you? She's a nice woman.
Perhaps a bit too nice.
She's drawing Mr Newbold away from the Black Widow.
You remember the Black Widow? Yes, that's the one.
Your surprise is here.
A big box from Spain.
- Heavy.
- Yes, but cheap.
He taught me how to grab a bargain.
Didn't you, eh? Castanets? You've bought a load of clapped-out out castanets.
At a very good price.
Anyway, lift them up, lift it up.
There, that's it.
You see, there is there's more.
A pantomime cow suit? You've bought He's bought a pantomime cow.
Look after him.
I'll pick him up on the way back.
How's it going, Willis? Great.
Can we ask why you've brought home a face like that? You wouldn't understand.
It's a man thing.
It's beyond the reach of my female wit, is it? Like why you always get toothpaste on the bathroom mirror.
Kath, life is full of mystery.
There's more to worry about than bathroom mirrors.
I just I just I just wonder how you manage it, that's all.
Every day.
I mean, you're supposed to brush the teeth that are in your mouth, not the ones you see in the mirror.
Just I come home in emotional pain and you haven't even made me a sandwich! Oh, all right, come on, then.
What is it? It's Cyril.
Your best mate.
Former holder of that position.
You've fallen out with Cyril? - I thought you had a bond.
- I I thought you were blood brothers.
I mean, you spend more time with him than you do with me.
Well, not any more.
What did he do? What didn't he do? He only went and lost his Go Anywhere Safely digital compass, didn't he? So he lost his compass? Well, why didn't he get another one? He got another, yeah.
He borrowed mine.
So what's the problem? Well, he lost that one an' all, didn't he? Found a hole in his all-weather parka pocket lining.
Right, um, explain to me why either of you needs a Go Anywhere Safety digital compass.
You never go anywhere! We were going to start! Look.
I bought a map, a flask, cagoules Hey, and a whistle in case we got separated in the fog! You get one hole in your pocket lining What you need is something Spanish.
Not even a big hole, hardly big enough to fuss about.
He's being unreasonable, and I know unreasonable.
I married it! You know, it breaks me heart to see you and Eric falling out.
You think I'm stubborn, you should see him.
You can come in.
I were just leaving.
I don't need your permission.
Now, hold it, hold it, would you? - He started it.
- He started it.
- You started it.
- You started it.
That's not the point, is it? The point is, who's going to end it? It's down to him, in't it? Old Hole-In-The-Pocket! People get holes.
They don't all lose valuable items through 'em, do they?! You two, stop sniping at each other! Cor, I thought that's what your wives were for.
There you are, coming to fetch me.
And here I am, saving you the trouble.
Can't wait to get together.
- No, actually, I'm - No, no, no, don't be embarrassed.
This is bigger than both of us.
- Madam, I - That's how you see me, is it? With a whip and a fancy corset.
Well, there'll be none of that till later.
Why don't you take me into the house and you can offer me a sherry? That's it.
Very good.
- There.
- The Spanish solution? Castanets? Yes, it's a duel to establish who is the alpha male.
You know, there is a reason why the Spanish have been clicking bits of wood over the last few centuries.
I thought it was because they lost Gibraltar.
It's the aftereffects of eating chorizo.
No, it's not that either.
It's It's because he who clicks and stamps best is the macho male.
Willis, how many nights a week does your mother keep you prisoner? Well, I wouldn't say prisoner, she just likes the company.
You're not bad-looking, in a weird sort of way.
In what way weird? Well, your mouth's a bit sideways.
- Well, how can it be sideways? - Can you kiss? Of course I can kiss.
I bet.
- You Come with me.
- What? Call her back.
Get her off him.
- He'll be all right.
- He looks terrified.
It suits him.
It's his natural condition.
It's awfully quiet.
- There's a time and a place for quiet.
- No, but this is very quiet.
It's none of our business.
- Body found in bushes - Oh, stop it.
Well, it's not too sideways.
He can kiss, and he's coming tonight.
What time? There you are, flamenco at 50 paces.
We haven't got 50 paces.
Because you've got flamenco, the deadliest form.
Deadly? Mano a mano.
Flamenco close combat.
Face-to-face.
Inside all that were your moves.
When I switch this music back on I want to see you two destroy each other.
- I can do that.
- In a million years! Clicking your fingers and stamping your feet, and may the best man win.
You've asked for it! Bring it on! Hold it, hold it! You're scaring all the customers away.
All right, that were very good.
Now I'm the umpire, I have to make my decision.
It's a draw.
Well done.
Shake hands.
I thought you were pretty good at stamping the old feet.
A couple of times there I thought "I like his clack.
" We've made up.
So it appears.
You not speaking today, Mr Newbold? Do you mind, Gastric, if I ask how you knew that it was me? Well, who else is tall, nervous, up to no good? I wouldn't say up to no good.
Just striving for anonymity.
- How is Mrs Rossi? - I don't know.
I can't get there.
I thought crossing the park would be safe, you know, free from anyone who knew me.
What brings you here? Oh, it's him.
He drags me out here.
Well, shouldn't he be running about? Chasing something? Like you? The eyes of Mrs Featherstone are everywhere.
I'm forced into subterfuge.
They're good cover, aren't they? - Cover? - Well, you see a chap walking a dog, no further explanation is necessary.
You can walk for miles with a dog no-one thinks twice.
You want to take him for a walk? Well, is he friendly? I tell you, I had a wife once he's friendlier than her by a large margin.
- What's his name? - Alan.
Look after him.
I wouldn't let him go with anybody.
He will be in my affections second only to Mrs Rossi.
I'd be happier if they were equal.
It's a deal.
- Come on, Alan.
- Go on, boy.
See you later, Alan! I like Mr Newbold.
And when he's safely married to Mrs Featherstone I intend to give him a discount.
Sometimes.
On certain items.
Mrs Featherstone is here.
She'd like a word.
Why didn't you serve her? She's asked for you.
Godspeed.
These look interesting.
How much are they? - What What's that? - These down here.
Now Listen, please, Mrs Feather Featherstone, I'm Get off.
No This, Mrs Featherstone, this is totally unseemly! You must stop this! We seem to have got a bit distracted.
No No, no, no.
I never did find out the price.
You're very accomplished.
I used to do this quite a bit.
I shall fall asleep.
Then do! Poor company.
We don't need to talk.
I'm content just to look at you.
I'm blushing now.
So I will.
I'll close my eyes.
Mr Newbold! Call me Wilbuuurn! Mr Newbold! La padrione I clack my fingers! And the senoritas they come a-running.
You're here.
Yeah Why shouldn't I be here? I live here.
Why have you got a flower in your teeth? People should eat more greens? And what are you hiding behind your back? What gives you the right to question me on absolutely everything? Eric, I come in and you're looking guilty and you've got a flower in your teeth! So? What do you mean, "so"? People have been led off to secure accommodation for less! All right! I'm just having a quiet clack.
Castanets? Well, they're not prohibited weapons.
I mean In fact they bring out the alpha male in me.
Eric Why don't you have a lie-down, love, and I'll make you a nice cup of tea? I need your help, Granville.
Mr Newbold, you're wet through! It's worse than that.
You should be at home, shouldn't you, getting dry? Look at you.
I'd love to be at home, but can I get there without being seen by the Black Widow or one of her spies? Leroy! Mr Newbold needs a lift home.
Slight problem.
We haven't got a vehicle.
Yes Yes, we have, at a very reasonable price, and totally discreet.
All right, come on.
Come on, gently.
You don't want to draw attention to yourself.
I'm very grateful, Granville.
Don't mention it.
I'm not.
Be quiet, Leroy.
Stop behaving like a cow's backside.
Go on.
So, how bad was your marriage? Oh, it was bad.
Hers too.
So when did it really dawn on you that you were incompatible? I think it was the night he was making love to me and he stopped and he said he could murder a sandwich.
Okay.
Look, I'm sorry, it's probably just me, but I really need to know What kind of sandwich? Marmite.
Yeah, it was a shock.
I didn't even know he liked Marmite.
Made it! I owe you, Leroy.
No problem, Mr Newbold.
Now, if I can only find my key.
Newbold? What are you doing inside that cow? Have you not thought of the impact on your neighbours? - What makes you think it's me? - By which I mean him.
Well, of course it's you.
Isn't it? No, no.
My name's Watkinson.
Marshal Watkinson.
Well, that's a funny name for a cow.
He'll vouch for me at the rear.
He never said he had a friend who liked to dress up as a cow.
It's only occasionally.
Is he always in the rear, or are you flexible? No, no, don't tell me.
He's not at home anyway.
In that case, madam, we'll be on our way.
You will You will tell him we called? Yes, of course I will.
I know my manners.
He should never have given her a key.
He probably didn't.
I expect she mugged him.
Cheeky old Newbold.
Sometimes known as Marshal Watkinson.
Got away with it that time.
With a little help from his friend behind.
Our Leroy's got problems.
How can a cow's rear end ever make it with a vegan? What? I want an honest answer.
Would you ever find me less attractive than Marmite? If I could put in a jar the way that I feel about you I would be rich enough to stop overcharging.
Well, midweek, anyway on certain items.
Fish and chips? Try and stop me.
After you.
- How come you never married? - What do you mean, "never"? Still plenty of time.
Waiting for a bargain, are you? How are you today, Mr Newbold? How did you know that it was me, damn it? I'm supposed to be an anonymous figure.
Trying to avoid Mrs Featherstone, are we? - Wouldn't you? - Well, yes, I would.
There you are, Wilburn! How did you know I was here, you tall, psychic person? It could still be yours.
It's not too late.
Mrs Avery, it's a little bit early for a bubble bath! What? What did you say? - What? - Look.
Closer.
You'll not be able to see.
Yeah.
I can't see anything.
- Just there.
- You're having me on! Oh, I must get my eyes checked.
I can't see a thing in these glasses.
Yes, all right, all right.
Very funny.
I don't think.
All right.
Yes, all right Yes, all right, I'm only borrowing it.
You can have it back later.
Right? And you.
It is pitch-black out there.
You do realise we're becoming creatures of the night? Your mother was a creature of the night.
Usually one night.
I don't believe a word you say about her.
You don't believe a word I say about anything.
Because you tell such stories! Think of it more as shopkeepers' poetic licence.
You told Cyril that the sacred food of the ancient druids was Yorkshire pudding.
For which there is ample evidence.
Where? On their sacrificial altars.
The stains.
The Romans thought it were blood.
But modern science has proved that it were gravy.
Anyway, Cyril got a bargain.
Talking of bargains, we've got a bargain coming from Spain.
Oh, you never said.
No, I know I didn't.
It's a surprise.
I thought I'd keep it for you.
I bought a whole crate of Spanish specialities.
- Cheap.
- Cheap? That's your speciality.
Probably be enough in there to start our own tapas bar.
- Give me a hand.
- Oh, right.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I'm absolutely shattered.
I've been at that Madge's all night.
You've been at Madge's? All night? I thought a couple of hours would do it but, it were trickier than I thought.
Progress! Progress at last! You finally made it! Hand in your overalls.
Why did it take you so long? Well, I had to replace a few parts.
What with? You You had some bits missing? No, not missing, you know, just, clapped out.
I think we're at cross-purposes here.
Gastric, what were you doing at Madge's all night? I were fixing her boiler.
It were an emergency.
She needs the hot water for her business.
You do realise, don't you, there is a law from 1482 that states if a serf stays the night with a lady, they have to get married? Even if you had to nip back home for your ratchet threader? - No, no, no.
I don't know - I don't, I can't, I don't This hot water comes to you courtesy of Gastric.
You treat him like your personal servant.
I spoil Gastric.
I feed him when he's here.
A sandwich in his dirty hand.
He can wash it if he wants.
But there's no hot water because you only send for him when there's no hot water.
What's he going to do here if there's nothing for him to repair? Why don't you invite him socially some time? Put a bit of make-up on, pretend you've got a softer side.
We chat while he's working.
What kind of romance is that? They're never going to turn it into a musical.
Who said anything about a romance? Can't stop.
Just passing.
I hear Gastric was seen vacating these premises at some unearthly hour.
Now, don't spoil him.
We all need his skills occasionally.
You won't remember Mrs Rossi, will you? She's a nice woman.
Perhaps a bit too nice.
She's drawing Mr Newbold away from the Black Widow.
You remember the Black Widow? Yes, that's the one.
Your surprise is here.
A big box from Spain.
- Heavy.
- Yes, but cheap.
He taught me how to grab a bargain.
Didn't you, eh? Castanets? You've bought a load of clapped-out out castanets.
At a very good price.
Anyway, lift them up, lift it up.
There, that's it.
You see, there is there's more.
A pantomime cow suit? You've bought He's bought a pantomime cow.
Look after him.
I'll pick him up on the way back.
How's it going, Willis? Great.
Can we ask why you've brought home a face like that? You wouldn't understand.
It's a man thing.
It's beyond the reach of my female wit, is it? Like why you always get toothpaste on the bathroom mirror.
Kath, life is full of mystery.
There's more to worry about than bathroom mirrors.
I just I just I just wonder how you manage it, that's all.
Every day.
I mean, you're supposed to brush the teeth that are in your mouth, not the ones you see in the mirror.
Just I come home in emotional pain and you haven't even made me a sandwich! Oh, all right, come on, then.
What is it? It's Cyril.
Your best mate.
Former holder of that position.
You've fallen out with Cyril? - I thought you had a bond.
- I I thought you were blood brothers.
I mean, you spend more time with him than you do with me.
Well, not any more.
What did he do? What didn't he do? He only went and lost his Go Anywhere Safely digital compass, didn't he? So he lost his compass? Well, why didn't he get another one? He got another, yeah.
He borrowed mine.
So what's the problem? Well, he lost that one an' all, didn't he? Found a hole in his all-weather parka pocket lining.
Right, um, explain to me why either of you needs a Go Anywhere Safety digital compass.
You never go anywhere! We were going to start! Look.
I bought a map, a flask, cagoules Hey, and a whistle in case we got separated in the fog! You get one hole in your pocket lining What you need is something Spanish.
Not even a big hole, hardly big enough to fuss about.
He's being unreasonable, and I know unreasonable.
I married it! You know, it breaks me heart to see you and Eric falling out.
You think I'm stubborn, you should see him.
You can come in.
I were just leaving.
I don't need your permission.
Now, hold it, hold it, would you? - He started it.
- He started it.
- You started it.
- You started it.
That's not the point, is it? The point is, who's going to end it? It's down to him, in't it? Old Hole-In-The-Pocket! People get holes.
They don't all lose valuable items through 'em, do they?! You two, stop sniping at each other! Cor, I thought that's what your wives were for.
There you are, coming to fetch me.
And here I am, saving you the trouble.
Can't wait to get together.
- No, actually, I'm - No, no, no, don't be embarrassed.
This is bigger than both of us.
- Madam, I - That's how you see me, is it? With a whip and a fancy corset.
Well, there'll be none of that till later.
Why don't you take me into the house and you can offer me a sherry? That's it.
Very good.
- There.
- The Spanish solution? Castanets? Yes, it's a duel to establish who is the alpha male.
You know, there is a reason why the Spanish have been clicking bits of wood over the last few centuries.
I thought it was because they lost Gibraltar.
It's the aftereffects of eating chorizo.
No, it's not that either.
It's It's because he who clicks and stamps best is the macho male.
Willis, how many nights a week does your mother keep you prisoner? Well, I wouldn't say prisoner, she just likes the company.
You're not bad-looking, in a weird sort of way.
In what way weird? Well, your mouth's a bit sideways.
- Well, how can it be sideways? - Can you kiss? Of course I can kiss.
I bet.
- You Come with me.
- What? Call her back.
Get her off him.
- He'll be all right.
- He looks terrified.
It suits him.
It's his natural condition.
It's awfully quiet.
- There's a time and a place for quiet.
- No, but this is very quiet.
It's none of our business.
- Body found in bushes - Oh, stop it.
Well, it's not too sideways.
He can kiss, and he's coming tonight.
What time? There you are, flamenco at 50 paces.
We haven't got 50 paces.
Because you've got flamenco, the deadliest form.
Deadly? Mano a mano.
Flamenco close combat.
Face-to-face.
Inside all that were your moves.
When I switch this music back on I want to see you two destroy each other.
- I can do that.
- In a million years! Clicking your fingers and stamping your feet, and may the best man win.
You've asked for it! Bring it on! Hold it, hold it! You're scaring all the customers away.
All right, that were very good.
Now I'm the umpire, I have to make my decision.
It's a draw.
Well done.
Shake hands.
I thought you were pretty good at stamping the old feet.
A couple of times there I thought "I like his clack.
" We've made up.
So it appears.
You not speaking today, Mr Newbold? Do you mind, Gastric, if I ask how you knew that it was me? Well, who else is tall, nervous, up to no good? I wouldn't say up to no good.
Just striving for anonymity.
- How is Mrs Rossi? - I don't know.
I can't get there.
I thought crossing the park would be safe, you know, free from anyone who knew me.
What brings you here? Oh, it's him.
He drags me out here.
Well, shouldn't he be running about? Chasing something? Like you? The eyes of Mrs Featherstone are everywhere.
I'm forced into subterfuge.
They're good cover, aren't they? - Cover? - Well, you see a chap walking a dog, no further explanation is necessary.
You can walk for miles with a dog no-one thinks twice.
You want to take him for a walk? Well, is he friendly? I tell you, I had a wife once he's friendlier than her by a large margin.
- What's his name? - Alan.
Look after him.
I wouldn't let him go with anybody.
He will be in my affections second only to Mrs Rossi.
I'd be happier if they were equal.
It's a deal.
- Come on, Alan.
- Go on, boy.
See you later, Alan! I like Mr Newbold.
And when he's safely married to Mrs Featherstone I intend to give him a discount.
Sometimes.
On certain items.
Mrs Featherstone is here.
She'd like a word.
Why didn't you serve her? She's asked for you.
Godspeed.
These look interesting.
How much are they? - What What's that? - These down here.
Now Listen, please, Mrs Feather Featherstone, I'm Get off.
No This, Mrs Featherstone, this is totally unseemly! You must stop this! We seem to have got a bit distracted.
No No, no, no.
I never did find out the price.
You're very accomplished.
I used to do this quite a bit.
I shall fall asleep.
Then do! Poor company.
We don't need to talk.
I'm content just to look at you.
I'm blushing now.
So I will.
I'll close my eyes.
Mr Newbold! Call me Wilbuuurn! Mr Newbold! La padrione I clack my fingers! And the senoritas they come a-running.
You're here.
Yeah Why shouldn't I be here? I live here.
Why have you got a flower in your teeth? People should eat more greens? And what are you hiding behind your back? What gives you the right to question me on absolutely everything? Eric, I come in and you're looking guilty and you've got a flower in your teeth! So? What do you mean, "so"? People have been led off to secure accommodation for less! All right! I'm just having a quiet clack.
Castanets? Well, they're not prohibited weapons.
I mean In fact they bring out the alpha male in me.
Eric Why don't you have a lie-down, love, and I'll make you a nice cup of tea? I need your help, Granville.
Mr Newbold, you're wet through! It's worse than that.
You should be at home, shouldn't you, getting dry? Look at you.
I'd love to be at home, but can I get there without being seen by the Black Widow or one of her spies? Leroy! Mr Newbold needs a lift home.
Slight problem.
We haven't got a vehicle.
Yes Yes, we have, at a very reasonable price, and totally discreet.
All right, come on.
Come on, gently.
You don't want to draw attention to yourself.
I'm very grateful, Granville.
Don't mention it.
I'm not.
Be quiet, Leroy.
Stop behaving like a cow's backside.
Go on.
So, how bad was your marriage? Oh, it was bad.
Hers too.
So when did it really dawn on you that you were incompatible? I think it was the night he was making love to me and he stopped and he said he could murder a sandwich.
Okay.
Look, I'm sorry, it's probably just me, but I really need to know What kind of sandwich? Marmite.
Yeah, it was a shock.
I didn't even know he liked Marmite.
Made it! I owe you, Leroy.
No problem, Mr Newbold.
Now, if I can only find my key.
Newbold? What are you doing inside that cow? Have you not thought of the impact on your neighbours? - What makes you think it's me? - By which I mean him.
Well, of course it's you.
Isn't it? No, no.
My name's Watkinson.
Marshal Watkinson.
Well, that's a funny name for a cow.
He'll vouch for me at the rear.
He never said he had a friend who liked to dress up as a cow.
It's only occasionally.
Is he always in the rear, or are you flexible? No, no, don't tell me.
He's not at home anyway.
In that case, madam, we'll be on our way.
You will You will tell him we called? Yes, of course I will.
I know my manners.
He should never have given her a key.
He probably didn't.
I expect she mugged him.
Cheeky old Newbold.
Sometimes known as Marshal Watkinson.
Got away with it that time.
With a little help from his friend behind.
Our Leroy's got problems.
How can a cow's rear end ever make it with a vegan? What? I want an honest answer.
Would you ever find me less attractive than Marmite? If I could put in a jar the way that I feel about you I would be rich enough to stop overcharging.
Well, midweek, anyway on certain items.
Fish and chips? Try and stop me.
After you.