Sullivan and Son (2012) s01e03 Episode Script
The Bar Birthday
Wow.
Look at all these old bar pictures.
And all of these people are coming to the party? Hey, it's the 50th anniversary of Sullivan & Son.
All the old-timers are coming back.
I even took an ad out in the paper.
Why is your mom not smiling? What do you mean? That's how I smile.
See? - Mom, that's not smiling.
- It's not? We've been through this.
Smiling is the thing you do when you see someone fall down.
Oh, yes! This bar has touched so many lives.
I mean, 50 years.
People met here.
They fell in love here.
They got drunk.
Made babies here.
Well, not here.
Don't be too sure.
This bar has a lot of nooks and crannies.
So do you, mom.
Is it weird I just made that joke about my mom? I hope we're ready.
This place is gonna be packed.
You even set up a Facebook page.
You even twatted it.
Hello! Uh, it's "tweeted," dad.
No, you did it yesterday, so it's "twatted.
" Mr.
College boy.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Eugene Casternakie.
Is he coming? I think he is.
Oh, I had such a crush on him -- not that he'd ever noticed me, even though we were on student council together.
I served under him.
Hello! I was vice president.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
I was an innocent girl back then.
So, when did things change? Well, I guess if I had to pinpoint it, and it was vibrating and shaking and vibrating and shaking and vibrating and shaking.
And suddenly, a lightbulb went off, and I had found my life's work.
And I know it sounds crazy, but I think that dryer had a pretty good time, too.
da, da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Why are you being so grumpy about the bar birthday party? Everybody likes to reminisce.
Not in a bar.
This is where you come to turn off all that stuff.
You see these bottles? They're all filled with forgetfulness.
I think you're exaggerating.
Really? Hank, how was work today? Did I go to work today? Dad, what's the story with this picture? Grandpa in front of this bar.
But the sign says "the clover.
" And who's that guy? Hey, enough with the pictures already.
Let me have that.
Seriously, dad.
What's this all about? Oh, that's Melanie's grandfather.
He owned the bar first.
He lost it to your grandfather in a poker game.
That's why you guys own this bar.
Ah! Here's one with me without any pants.
Put this one up.
Cool.
Grandpa won the bar in a poker game.
I guess he's kind of a badass.
Hank, how did you know that? Hey, I sit here all day.
For the five minutes I'm not complaining about the coloreds or the Jews, I listen.
It's a cool story.
I wish I would have known that.
Oh, people think they want to know about everything.
But trust me -- the less you know, the happier you are.
Just look at Owen.
Look how big my eye is.
But it's our family history.
Ah, family history is the last thing people need to know.
It just stirs up the crap.
Did you know that your uncle robbed a convenience store? Uncle Dave was an armed robber? Yeah.
All he got was a pack of slim Jims and a wolf statue.
But if he had gotten caught, you would've told me, right? No.
I would've said, "let's go see uncle Dave in the orange jumpsuit club.
" Well, honestly, dad, I wish you told me.
It's cool to know this stuff.
And you know who's gonna get a kick out of this? Melanie.
It's so cool that our families have been connected for so long.
I would not tell Melanie.
Why not? It'll bring us closer together.
You do not share certain things.
I don't even tell your mother certain things.
Oh, please.
You can't keep anything from mom.
Really? You know the story of how we met, right? Yeah.
You were in Korea and she was working at the mess hall.
Mm-hmm.
But the only reason why I asked her out in the first place was because I lost a bet.
Asking mom out was losing? Oh, yeah.
We were all scared of her.
And we were marines.
We had weapons.
What did the winner get? Extra pudding.
But, now, do I keep that to myself -- which I have for 35 years -- or do I share it with her and risk waking up on fire? Ahmed, check her out.
Whoa.
Who is that? Seriously, guys? It's Kim Elliot from high school.
That's "un-slim Kim"? That girl was huge.
Who knew that was in there? I kind of feel bad for making fun of her.
Yeah, me, too.
- I'm going in.
- Hold on.
She's mine.
I saw her first.
Oh, now she's worth your time? Yes.
Because she's not fat.
And you guys are her reward for losing all that weight.
Yay! Hey, Steve, can I get a beer? Hey.
Check out the napkins.
"Sullivan & Son -- 50 years.
" You're really celebrating this? What are you talking about? You met your wife here.
Why would I celebrate that? Roy, you talk tough, but you're a softie when it comes to Trudy.
Why don't you bring her here for a romantic night? I don't want her around.
The finals of my fantasy league are tonight, and she gets on me about that.
Well, what finals are tonight? Figure skating.
Figure skating? If you can dress like a genie, it's not a sport.
Hey, there's money in this league.
I've got four grand riding on this.
Four grand? Really, on figure skating? I'm telling you, it's exciting.
I thought it was twirly-ass bullshit, too.
But then I put money on it.
This is so great, Steve.
Look at all these people celebrating this bar.
Your family really built something amazing.
Well, there was a little luck involved.
We all make our own luck.
And then we shut up about it.
What's that about? I, uh, I found out something today I never knew before.
It's actually pretty cool.
What is it? Well, it turns out our families go way back.
You and I are more connected than we ever knew.
Prepare to have your mind blown.
- Hey.
Is that my grandfather? - Yeah.
And the guy with his arm around him, that's my grandfather.
Oh, my God.
Were they gay? No.
But it turns out my grandfather -- who I thought was this conservative guy -- was actually a crazy gambler when he was young.
And he won this bar in a poker game -- from your grandfather.
Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, cool.
So that's how we're connected.
So your family didn't build this place.
My family did.
And then your grandfather stole it from my grandfather, who then drank himself to death.
Well, it doesn't sound as fun the way you say it.
But nobody stole anything.
It was a fair card game.
Well, that doesn't take my grandfather's head out of the toilet he died in.
But good to know.
That didn't bring us closer together.
You still don't get the whole forgetfulness thing, do you, kid? Doug, what's your wife's name? The tip of my tongue, I swear.
Excuse me, Eugene.
I'm sure you don't remember me.
Of course I do.
Carol Walsh.
Eugene Casternakie.
Oh.
Ooh! So, uh, are you a regular here? Well, I know the nooks and crannies.
There's a couple I'd like to show you.
One particular.
Two if we're getting along.
Carol, you are so funny.
You always have been.
You know, I have to tell you.
Back when we were at Saint Andrew's together, I had the biggest crush on you.
Really? Oh, absolutely.
You were so sweet, so pure.
And I can tell in just the few minutes we've spent together, you haven't changed one bit.
So, tell me.
Did you end up becoming a nun? I know that was always your dream.
Well, I thought about it.
And then I decided to serve man in other ways.
Hey, Carol.
Oh, hi.
How's it going? They certainly seem to know you here.
Well, yeah.
Every once in a while, I'll stop in for a hot toddy.
Meet you in the men's room? Not now, toddy.
Hey, Melanie, about this whole grandfather-poker thing, w-we're okay about that, right? Oh, it's fine.
I know it's not your fault.
This is something that happened 50 years ago that has nothing to do with you.
Exactly.
And yet I still want to kick your nuts up into your throat.
Get over it, miss "never seen a severed head on a stick.
" Who cares about the past? Only thing matters is the future.
She's right! The important thing is you don't look back.
I fought in the jungles of Vietnam.
Now one of them does my taxes.
I love that little asiatic bastard.
Exactly.
Yesterday's over.
Move on.
Take a lesson from this one.
She doesn't even care that the only reason Jack asked her out is because he lost a bet.
A bet? What bet? When you answer a question with a question, you're lying.
Are you talking to me? If you lost the bet, what did the winner get? Extra pudding! What? It's a cute story.
All I brought back from nam was a rice hat, a 2-0 record in Russian roulette, and, from what I've heard, a son.
Come on, Ilsa.
You gotta land this triple salchow.
I'm too nervous.
Every part of me is damp.
Yo! Yes! S-she's so clutch.
Not only technically -- her artistry is off the freakin' charts! Yeah.
And to think of everything that she's been through -- no parents, that orphanage.
Oh, here I go.
Kim Elliot from high school? Ahmed? I can't believe you recognized me.
I was pretty heavy back then.
Really? Didn't register.
That's weird, because I seem to remember you "registering" my weight quite often.
Like in science class, when you said I was so big I had my own gravity.
That doesn't sound like me.
Hmm.
Oh, does this sound like you? "Hey, Kim, you're so fat, you cause the tides.
" A little more.
Sothis isn't going to happen? Fat chance.
You know something, honey? You look super frugal tonight.
Don't sweet-talk me.
Thanks a lot for stirring up the past.
Actually, dad, at the end of the day, people are happier to know stuff.
Okay.
One more time.
Now, pay attention.
Doug, are you happy? Yeah.
Yes, I am.
What's the name of your youngest kid? I want to say Pete, but that's not right.
I'm impressed.
Twenty years in the peace corps.
Yes, I had a lot of fun living in the jungle with all the natives, teaching them how to read, make fire.
Wow.
They were that primitive? Oh, yeah.
Strike a match and you're a God.
Can I borrow you for a minute? Oh! Owen.
I-I would like you to meet Eugene.
Eugene, this is my nephew.
Nice to meet you, Eugene.
My aunt Carol's a very generous woman.
She raised me when my parents died -- peanut allergies.
One sandwich -- took them both out.
I'll be right back.
Great with the peanut thing.
That improv class we've been taking has been really paying off.
Mom, I need you to be my wingman.
Who's the target? Three o'clock.
Doug? I mean nine o'clock.
Oh! Okay, here's the situation.
I knew her in high school.
She used to be fat.
Were you mean to her? Well, she was fat.
Well, then she's probably still angry with you.
Okay.
I would go with the reverse anger head-fake.
Reverse anger head-fake.
Sweet! Mom, it's so fun helping each other get laid.
You don't often hear a son say that to his mother.
Hello, Kim.
Oh, Owen? Owen Walsh? Yes.
That's correct.
Ah! How are you? I'm fine.
Well, it was nice seeing you.
Good day.
Wait, Owen.
Uh, something wrong? Are you -- are you mad at me? You know what? I am.
Oh, come on, you remember.
You and your friends, laughing at me behind my back, making fun of "the idiot.
" Wasn't that the clever nickname you had for me? No! That's not even clever.
Besides, it was you and your friends laughing at me.
Why? Because you were a little heavy? Please.
You were smart and cool.
You had it going on.
And you didn't mind laughing at the big awkward boy that couldn't remember the sun revolved around the moon.
Okay, first of all, it doesn't.
Look, maybe the sun revolves around the moon, maybe it doesn't.
We'll never know.
But what we know is you laughed at me.
And it hurt.
I don't know what to say.
I know what it feels like to be laughed at.
I guess we all have wounds.
Yes, we do.
Not fair.
His mom helped him.
Steve, what do I owe you? You know what? It's on the house.
We're square.
Oh, we're square? My grandfather drinks himself to death, and you give me white wine that comes from a box.
Yeah.
Square.
Fine.
That'll be two bucks.
Hmm! Why don't you take two of these? Did you see that? Yeah, she flipped you off.
I'll take that from my mom but not from her.
She's a redhead.
It's a medical fact -- they're all insane.
In the olden days, they used to drown them in wells.
Nowadays, they put them in the porn.
I just can't believe she's this pissed off.
Let me tell you something about gals.
When they lock on to something, they don't let go.
You're going to have to pull a crazy Ivan.
- "Crazy Ivan"? - Mm-hmm.
It's when you're in the middle of a fight with a lady, and you do something completely unexpected.
It confuses them, and they forget what they were mad at.
The Russian submarine commanders used to do this back in the '50s.
They would suddenly turn around and head right for the enemy.
That's how they won the cold war.
Hank, America won the cold war.
I'm just saying it works great with the broads.
So, how are you gonna explain it to your wife if you win the $4,000? She's never gonna know.
The money goes to Roy's secret fund, which goes to cover losses from Roy's other secret fund.
Boy, I love this fantasy figure skating.
Next year I'm gonna -- I'm gonna draft that, uh, the Romanian chick.
She is smoking.
I'm not embarrassed to say she's, uh, she's giving me a half-chub.
Doug, that's a guy.
You know what's weird? It's -- it's not going away.
Owen, I got to be honest with you.
I know I said that my friends and I didn't make fun of you.
But the truth is we did, and I feel really bad about it, and I just -- I want you to know.
What'd you call me? "Slowen.
" I don't get it.
Like "slow" and "Owen.
" I ran track.
Oh! That's not nice.
You guys did make fun of me.
It was wrong of us to make fun of you.
Yeah, it was.
I should be honest with you, Kim.
Some of us made fun of you, too -- mostly Ahmed.
But look, you were fat in high school, and now you're a beautiful woman.
I was dumb in high school and now I'm -- shh! Stop talking.
Okay.
You want to go back to my place? Yeah.
Mom, I think I'm gonna get some from Kim.
You used the reverse anger head-fake? Actually, I just told her the truth.
And it worked? All I know is, you don't have to make me breakfast tomorrow, mom.
You've got to admit.
It is a very intriguing relationship.
Carol, do you believe in second chances? I do.
Well, maybe it's just being back in this place, but do you think that maybe this could be our second chance? Eugene, I've got to tell you something.
I'm not the girl you think I am.
- I -- - stop.
I got that sense.
I went to the men's room.
You're well-documented there.
Listen, if I'm not the girl that you're looking for -- Carol, I have been a widower for a long time.
You are exactly what I'm looking for.
When I went into the men's room and saw that, my God, it's like a Chinese take-out menu.
Well, does anything strike your fancy? I'd like to try a number six and a number eight back-to-back.
Oh! Hey, she just walked in.
Are you ready, crazy Ivan? Oh, yeah.
All right, you got your prop? Got it.
All right, now, remember -- full steam ahead.
Believe me -- she will blink first.
Steve, someone called for an ambulance? Well, that would be me.
I figured.
What's this about? Well, Melanie, it seems the only way to make you happy is to give you half this bar.
And there's only one way to make that happen.
What's that? Marry me.
Excuse me? Let's get married.
That way you get half the bar, and this little problem between us is solved.
- You're bluffing.
- Try me.
There's not even a ring in that box.
Suck it! Wow.
This is really beautiful.
Yes.
Yes? Yes, I'll marry you.
Just one second.
Is this how a crazy Ivan usually works? Oh, no.
This is all-new territory.
What do I do? All right, here's the plan.
You let it all play out.
And then, when you're both at the altar -- No.
No altar, Hank! Why not? You like her.
Yeah, I like her.
She's awesome.
But that has nothing to do with this.
I'm stuck in the middle of a crazy Ivan.
It fits perfectly.
It's a sign.
About that.
Maybe we're rushing things.
Steve, are you backing out? No, no.
Not at all.
- Unless you want me to.
- No way.
I can't wait to show my mother.
Okay, okay.
I'm backing out.
Wow, Steve.
First my grandfather loses the bar, and next, I get jilted.
Kind of a bad day for my family.
What do you want? I'd love for you to erase my bar tab.
Done.
Bar tab erased.
It'd also be kind of nice to have drinks on the house for the rest of my life.
Oh, give me a break.
One year.
No way.
Ooh, look how it sparkles.
One month.
Six months.
Beer only.
Deal.
Though I have to admit, it feels kind of nice.
But 50 years ago, your grandfather outplayed my grandfather in poker.
And 50 years later, I outplayed you.
Suck it.
- Oh! - Oh, yes! - Oh, yes! Four grand, baby, coming my way! And that Romanian girl is super hot.
And it's back.
There's something I want to tell you.
But before I do, could I ask you to gently put that down? What? Losing that bet was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Whatevs.
The truth is, I wanted to ask you out, but I didn't have the guts.
You were too intimidating.
Not only because you're scary, but because you're so beautiful and funny and a hell of a lot smarter than me.
And did I mention scary? You left out flawless skin.
I wanted to lose that bet.
I didn't want that extra pudding.
You know me -- I'm the kind of guy who needs a little push.
And you've been giving me one for 35 years.
I thank God for that.
I have a little something I never told you.
After our first date, I kissed your sergeant.
What?! Not my fault.
I thought he was you.
How could you think that? He was a scrawny little guy.
White people all look alike.
Look at all these old bar pictures.
And all of these people are coming to the party? Hey, it's the 50th anniversary of Sullivan & Son.
All the old-timers are coming back.
I even took an ad out in the paper.
Why is your mom not smiling? What do you mean? That's how I smile.
See? - Mom, that's not smiling.
- It's not? We've been through this.
Smiling is the thing you do when you see someone fall down.
Oh, yes! This bar has touched so many lives.
I mean, 50 years.
People met here.
They fell in love here.
They got drunk.
Made babies here.
Well, not here.
Don't be too sure.
This bar has a lot of nooks and crannies.
So do you, mom.
Is it weird I just made that joke about my mom? I hope we're ready.
This place is gonna be packed.
You even set up a Facebook page.
You even twatted it.
Hello! Uh, it's "tweeted," dad.
No, you did it yesterday, so it's "twatted.
" Mr.
College boy.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Eugene Casternakie.
Is he coming? I think he is.
Oh, I had such a crush on him -- not that he'd ever noticed me, even though we were on student council together.
I served under him.
Hello! I was vice president.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
I was an innocent girl back then.
So, when did things change? Well, I guess if I had to pinpoint it, and it was vibrating and shaking and vibrating and shaking and vibrating and shaking.
And suddenly, a lightbulb went off, and I had found my life's work.
And I know it sounds crazy, but I think that dryer had a pretty good time, too.
da, da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Why are you being so grumpy about the bar birthday party? Everybody likes to reminisce.
Not in a bar.
This is where you come to turn off all that stuff.
You see these bottles? They're all filled with forgetfulness.
I think you're exaggerating.
Really? Hank, how was work today? Did I go to work today? Dad, what's the story with this picture? Grandpa in front of this bar.
But the sign says "the clover.
" And who's that guy? Hey, enough with the pictures already.
Let me have that.
Seriously, dad.
What's this all about? Oh, that's Melanie's grandfather.
He owned the bar first.
He lost it to your grandfather in a poker game.
That's why you guys own this bar.
Ah! Here's one with me without any pants.
Put this one up.
Cool.
Grandpa won the bar in a poker game.
I guess he's kind of a badass.
Hank, how did you know that? Hey, I sit here all day.
For the five minutes I'm not complaining about the coloreds or the Jews, I listen.
It's a cool story.
I wish I would have known that.
Oh, people think they want to know about everything.
But trust me -- the less you know, the happier you are.
Just look at Owen.
Look how big my eye is.
But it's our family history.
Ah, family history is the last thing people need to know.
It just stirs up the crap.
Did you know that your uncle robbed a convenience store? Uncle Dave was an armed robber? Yeah.
All he got was a pack of slim Jims and a wolf statue.
But if he had gotten caught, you would've told me, right? No.
I would've said, "let's go see uncle Dave in the orange jumpsuit club.
" Well, honestly, dad, I wish you told me.
It's cool to know this stuff.
And you know who's gonna get a kick out of this? Melanie.
It's so cool that our families have been connected for so long.
I would not tell Melanie.
Why not? It'll bring us closer together.
You do not share certain things.
I don't even tell your mother certain things.
Oh, please.
You can't keep anything from mom.
Really? You know the story of how we met, right? Yeah.
You were in Korea and she was working at the mess hall.
Mm-hmm.
But the only reason why I asked her out in the first place was because I lost a bet.
Asking mom out was losing? Oh, yeah.
We were all scared of her.
And we were marines.
We had weapons.
What did the winner get? Extra pudding.
But, now, do I keep that to myself -- which I have for 35 years -- or do I share it with her and risk waking up on fire? Ahmed, check her out.
Whoa.
Who is that? Seriously, guys? It's Kim Elliot from high school.
That's "un-slim Kim"? That girl was huge.
Who knew that was in there? I kind of feel bad for making fun of her.
Yeah, me, too.
- I'm going in.
- Hold on.
She's mine.
I saw her first.
Oh, now she's worth your time? Yes.
Because she's not fat.
And you guys are her reward for losing all that weight.
Yay! Hey, Steve, can I get a beer? Hey.
Check out the napkins.
"Sullivan & Son -- 50 years.
" You're really celebrating this? What are you talking about? You met your wife here.
Why would I celebrate that? Roy, you talk tough, but you're a softie when it comes to Trudy.
Why don't you bring her here for a romantic night? I don't want her around.
The finals of my fantasy league are tonight, and she gets on me about that.
Well, what finals are tonight? Figure skating.
Figure skating? If you can dress like a genie, it's not a sport.
Hey, there's money in this league.
I've got four grand riding on this.
Four grand? Really, on figure skating? I'm telling you, it's exciting.
I thought it was twirly-ass bullshit, too.
But then I put money on it.
This is so great, Steve.
Look at all these people celebrating this bar.
Your family really built something amazing.
Well, there was a little luck involved.
We all make our own luck.
And then we shut up about it.
What's that about? I, uh, I found out something today I never knew before.
It's actually pretty cool.
What is it? Well, it turns out our families go way back.
You and I are more connected than we ever knew.
Prepare to have your mind blown.
- Hey.
Is that my grandfather? - Yeah.
And the guy with his arm around him, that's my grandfather.
Oh, my God.
Were they gay? No.
But it turns out my grandfather -- who I thought was this conservative guy -- was actually a crazy gambler when he was young.
And he won this bar in a poker game -- from your grandfather.
Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, cool.
So that's how we're connected.
So your family didn't build this place.
My family did.
And then your grandfather stole it from my grandfather, who then drank himself to death.
Well, it doesn't sound as fun the way you say it.
But nobody stole anything.
It was a fair card game.
Well, that doesn't take my grandfather's head out of the toilet he died in.
But good to know.
That didn't bring us closer together.
You still don't get the whole forgetfulness thing, do you, kid? Doug, what's your wife's name? The tip of my tongue, I swear.
Excuse me, Eugene.
I'm sure you don't remember me.
Of course I do.
Carol Walsh.
Eugene Casternakie.
Oh.
Ooh! So, uh, are you a regular here? Well, I know the nooks and crannies.
There's a couple I'd like to show you.
One particular.
Two if we're getting along.
Carol, you are so funny.
You always have been.
You know, I have to tell you.
Back when we were at Saint Andrew's together, I had the biggest crush on you.
Really? Oh, absolutely.
You were so sweet, so pure.
And I can tell in just the few minutes we've spent together, you haven't changed one bit.
So, tell me.
Did you end up becoming a nun? I know that was always your dream.
Well, I thought about it.
And then I decided to serve man in other ways.
Hey, Carol.
Oh, hi.
How's it going? They certainly seem to know you here.
Well, yeah.
Every once in a while, I'll stop in for a hot toddy.
Meet you in the men's room? Not now, toddy.
Hey, Melanie, about this whole grandfather-poker thing, w-we're okay about that, right? Oh, it's fine.
I know it's not your fault.
This is something that happened 50 years ago that has nothing to do with you.
Exactly.
And yet I still want to kick your nuts up into your throat.
Get over it, miss "never seen a severed head on a stick.
" Who cares about the past? Only thing matters is the future.
She's right! The important thing is you don't look back.
I fought in the jungles of Vietnam.
Now one of them does my taxes.
I love that little asiatic bastard.
Exactly.
Yesterday's over.
Move on.
Take a lesson from this one.
She doesn't even care that the only reason Jack asked her out is because he lost a bet.
A bet? What bet? When you answer a question with a question, you're lying.
Are you talking to me? If you lost the bet, what did the winner get? Extra pudding! What? It's a cute story.
All I brought back from nam was a rice hat, a 2-0 record in Russian roulette, and, from what I've heard, a son.
Come on, Ilsa.
You gotta land this triple salchow.
I'm too nervous.
Every part of me is damp.
Yo! Yes! S-she's so clutch.
Not only technically -- her artistry is off the freakin' charts! Yeah.
And to think of everything that she's been through -- no parents, that orphanage.
Oh, here I go.
Kim Elliot from high school? Ahmed? I can't believe you recognized me.
I was pretty heavy back then.
Really? Didn't register.
That's weird, because I seem to remember you "registering" my weight quite often.
Like in science class, when you said I was so big I had my own gravity.
That doesn't sound like me.
Hmm.
Oh, does this sound like you? "Hey, Kim, you're so fat, you cause the tides.
" A little more.
Sothis isn't going to happen? Fat chance.
You know something, honey? You look super frugal tonight.
Don't sweet-talk me.
Thanks a lot for stirring up the past.
Actually, dad, at the end of the day, people are happier to know stuff.
Okay.
One more time.
Now, pay attention.
Doug, are you happy? Yeah.
Yes, I am.
What's the name of your youngest kid? I want to say Pete, but that's not right.
I'm impressed.
Twenty years in the peace corps.
Yes, I had a lot of fun living in the jungle with all the natives, teaching them how to read, make fire.
Wow.
They were that primitive? Oh, yeah.
Strike a match and you're a God.
Can I borrow you for a minute? Oh! Owen.
I-I would like you to meet Eugene.
Eugene, this is my nephew.
Nice to meet you, Eugene.
My aunt Carol's a very generous woman.
She raised me when my parents died -- peanut allergies.
One sandwich -- took them both out.
I'll be right back.
Great with the peanut thing.
That improv class we've been taking has been really paying off.
Mom, I need you to be my wingman.
Who's the target? Three o'clock.
Doug? I mean nine o'clock.
Oh! Okay, here's the situation.
I knew her in high school.
She used to be fat.
Were you mean to her? Well, she was fat.
Well, then she's probably still angry with you.
Okay.
I would go with the reverse anger head-fake.
Reverse anger head-fake.
Sweet! Mom, it's so fun helping each other get laid.
You don't often hear a son say that to his mother.
Hello, Kim.
Oh, Owen? Owen Walsh? Yes.
That's correct.
Ah! How are you? I'm fine.
Well, it was nice seeing you.
Good day.
Wait, Owen.
Uh, something wrong? Are you -- are you mad at me? You know what? I am.
Oh, come on, you remember.
You and your friends, laughing at me behind my back, making fun of "the idiot.
" Wasn't that the clever nickname you had for me? No! That's not even clever.
Besides, it was you and your friends laughing at me.
Why? Because you were a little heavy? Please.
You were smart and cool.
You had it going on.
And you didn't mind laughing at the big awkward boy that couldn't remember the sun revolved around the moon.
Okay, first of all, it doesn't.
Look, maybe the sun revolves around the moon, maybe it doesn't.
We'll never know.
But what we know is you laughed at me.
And it hurt.
I don't know what to say.
I know what it feels like to be laughed at.
I guess we all have wounds.
Yes, we do.
Not fair.
His mom helped him.
Steve, what do I owe you? You know what? It's on the house.
We're square.
Oh, we're square? My grandfather drinks himself to death, and you give me white wine that comes from a box.
Yeah.
Square.
Fine.
That'll be two bucks.
Hmm! Why don't you take two of these? Did you see that? Yeah, she flipped you off.
I'll take that from my mom but not from her.
She's a redhead.
It's a medical fact -- they're all insane.
In the olden days, they used to drown them in wells.
Nowadays, they put them in the porn.
I just can't believe she's this pissed off.
Let me tell you something about gals.
When they lock on to something, they don't let go.
You're going to have to pull a crazy Ivan.
- "Crazy Ivan"? - Mm-hmm.
It's when you're in the middle of a fight with a lady, and you do something completely unexpected.
It confuses them, and they forget what they were mad at.
The Russian submarine commanders used to do this back in the '50s.
They would suddenly turn around and head right for the enemy.
That's how they won the cold war.
Hank, America won the cold war.
I'm just saying it works great with the broads.
So, how are you gonna explain it to your wife if you win the $4,000? She's never gonna know.
The money goes to Roy's secret fund, which goes to cover losses from Roy's other secret fund.
Boy, I love this fantasy figure skating.
Next year I'm gonna -- I'm gonna draft that, uh, the Romanian chick.
She is smoking.
I'm not embarrassed to say she's, uh, she's giving me a half-chub.
Doug, that's a guy.
You know what's weird? It's -- it's not going away.
Owen, I got to be honest with you.
I know I said that my friends and I didn't make fun of you.
But the truth is we did, and I feel really bad about it, and I just -- I want you to know.
What'd you call me? "Slowen.
" I don't get it.
Like "slow" and "Owen.
" I ran track.
Oh! That's not nice.
You guys did make fun of me.
It was wrong of us to make fun of you.
Yeah, it was.
I should be honest with you, Kim.
Some of us made fun of you, too -- mostly Ahmed.
But look, you were fat in high school, and now you're a beautiful woman.
I was dumb in high school and now I'm -- shh! Stop talking.
Okay.
You want to go back to my place? Yeah.
Mom, I think I'm gonna get some from Kim.
You used the reverse anger head-fake? Actually, I just told her the truth.
And it worked? All I know is, you don't have to make me breakfast tomorrow, mom.
You've got to admit.
It is a very intriguing relationship.
Carol, do you believe in second chances? I do.
Well, maybe it's just being back in this place, but do you think that maybe this could be our second chance? Eugene, I've got to tell you something.
I'm not the girl you think I am.
- I -- - stop.
I got that sense.
I went to the men's room.
You're well-documented there.
Listen, if I'm not the girl that you're looking for -- Carol, I have been a widower for a long time.
You are exactly what I'm looking for.
When I went into the men's room and saw that, my God, it's like a Chinese take-out menu.
Well, does anything strike your fancy? I'd like to try a number six and a number eight back-to-back.
Oh! Hey, she just walked in.
Are you ready, crazy Ivan? Oh, yeah.
All right, you got your prop? Got it.
All right, now, remember -- full steam ahead.
Believe me -- she will blink first.
Steve, someone called for an ambulance? Well, that would be me.
I figured.
What's this about? Well, Melanie, it seems the only way to make you happy is to give you half this bar.
And there's only one way to make that happen.
What's that? Marry me.
Excuse me? Let's get married.
That way you get half the bar, and this little problem between us is solved.
- You're bluffing.
- Try me.
There's not even a ring in that box.
Suck it! Wow.
This is really beautiful.
Yes.
Yes? Yes, I'll marry you.
Just one second.
Is this how a crazy Ivan usually works? Oh, no.
This is all-new territory.
What do I do? All right, here's the plan.
You let it all play out.
And then, when you're both at the altar -- No.
No altar, Hank! Why not? You like her.
Yeah, I like her.
She's awesome.
But that has nothing to do with this.
I'm stuck in the middle of a crazy Ivan.
It fits perfectly.
It's a sign.
About that.
Maybe we're rushing things.
Steve, are you backing out? No, no.
Not at all.
- Unless you want me to.
- No way.
I can't wait to show my mother.
Okay, okay.
I'm backing out.
Wow, Steve.
First my grandfather loses the bar, and next, I get jilted.
Kind of a bad day for my family.
What do you want? I'd love for you to erase my bar tab.
Done.
Bar tab erased.
It'd also be kind of nice to have drinks on the house for the rest of my life.
Oh, give me a break.
One year.
No way.
Ooh, look how it sparkles.
One month.
Six months.
Beer only.
Deal.
Though I have to admit, it feels kind of nice.
But 50 years ago, your grandfather outplayed my grandfather in poker.
And 50 years later, I outplayed you.
Suck it.
- Oh! - Oh, yes! - Oh, yes! Four grand, baby, coming my way! And that Romanian girl is super hot.
And it's back.
There's something I want to tell you.
But before I do, could I ask you to gently put that down? What? Losing that bet was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Whatevs.
The truth is, I wanted to ask you out, but I didn't have the guts.
You were too intimidating.
Not only because you're scary, but because you're so beautiful and funny and a hell of a lot smarter than me.
And did I mention scary? You left out flawless skin.
I wanted to lose that bet.
I didn't want that extra pudding.
You know me -- I'm the kind of guy who needs a little push.
And you've been giving me one for 35 years.
I thank God for that.
I have a little something I never told you.
After our first date, I kissed your sergeant.
What?! Not my fault.
I thought he was you.
How could you think that? He was a scrawny little guy.
White people all look alike.