Sullivan and Son (2012) s02e02 Episode Script
Acceptance
Well, Saturday night.
Anybody got plans? - Not me.
- Not me.
I do.
Oh, wait.
That was 1993.
Are you telling me it's Saturday, no one's got a date? Guys, I want you to meet somebody special.
This is Bobbie.
She's a tow-truck driver, like me.
Drive a wrecker.
Guilty as charged.
Her response time is off the charts.
Stop.
You're embarrassing me.
- I'll get us some drinks.
- I'll get us a table.
When she says, "go get a table," is she gonna rip one out of the floor? She is a lot of woman.
And a fair amount of man.
Let me tell you something about Bobbie.
She's a little tomboyish, but she has her feminine side.
Hey, babe.
Where's the crapper? Which one is she going to? Oh, I'm sorry.
What big dates do you guys have lined up for tonight? Yeah, that's what I thought.
You'd rather rag on my chick than actually put yourselves out there and take a chance on love.
And that's why you'll all die alone.
How did we get from you dating the big girl to us dying alone? I put myself out there.
It's just that there's nobody dateable in Pittsburgh.
In the whole city? You guys are just too picky.
I'm out there, too, Ahmed.
I'm just not having any luck.
Last night, I went out with a girl who could not stop talking.
I just sat there and listened while she talked About work, about her juice diet, about her cat's juice diet.
Dude, you should have just gone to a movie.
We were at a movie.
I missed the whole thing.
Does the tiger ever eat that kid? I just love your guys' loser dating stories.
I'm glad you find our misery so entertaining.
I'm married, man.
The best parts of my life are over.
But hearing about your pathetic single lives makes me happy to be married to a woman that leaves the door open when she poops.
I do that, too.
I guess when you're in a long-term relationship, you naturally get to that point.
Owen, you live with your mother.
Yeah, but we try to keep the magic alive.
Da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da dda, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Hey, Ahmed, it's been a few minutes since your date went to the ladies' room.
What's she doing in there, powdering her balls? I'm just saying, you don't find love unless you're open to it.
You're all too picky.
I'm not too picky.
With me, the only deal breaker is if a broad just totally repulses me on every level.
But even then, there's something about a girl who says "yes.
" You guys would rather bitch about how there's nobody to date than to give someone a chance.
Ahmed, I totally agree.
You have to be open to all different kinds of people.
In my experience, you can find love and passion with people of all colors, shapes, and sizes.
I mean, how are you ever gonna know what great lovers midgets are until you've had one go up on you? Look at your mother and me, Steve.
We've been happily married for 35 years.
But on paper, it makes no sense.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
These two people took a chance on love, and look what happened.
Chance nothing.
I did my research.
Your father was the only marine in the mess hall who had the sweet and caring personality that I knew I could relentlessly drive to success.
That driving she's good at.
Two beers, please, Steve.
You really think Bobbie could be the one? I don't know, Owen.
Nobody ever knows.
But my heart's open to finding out.
Whoo! Damn, baby, I just took a crap a mile long! I am feeling light as a feather.
Give me a piggyback ride, daddy.
Wow.
Maybe Ahmed's right.
Maybe we're being too picky.
Yeah.
I mean, look at him.
He really likes her.
And look at my parents.
They couldn't be more different, but they're happy.
Maybe I haven't been accepting enough.
What have I been doing, holding out for this ideal woman that doesn't exist? Who cares if a chick isn't perfect? As long as she's tall and stacked and a little bit slutty, my heart should be open to her.
That's the spirit.
Hey, why don't the three of us make a pact to be more open to people? I'm in.
Me too.
Okay, uh, Melanie, that guy that's been sitting there for half-an-hour? He's been kind of checking you out.
Why don't you go talk to him? The one with the loser paisley tie? You're dinging him because of his tie? Not crazy about the shoes, either.
I'll show you how to be open.
The next girl that walks in this bar I am asking out.
Well, not her.
She's old.
Wait a minute.
That's a pretty lady.
She could be like 10 years older than me.
Isn't that the point? To be open to people you normally wouldn't be open to? She's not gonna know any of my cartoons! Owen, just do it.
You've got nothing to lose.
Hey, there.
Hi.
Hey.
I've never seen you in here before.
And I've seen everyone, 'cause I'm here all the time.
That's the upside to not having a life.
- Can I get you a beer? - Sure.
That'd be great.
I was a little scared to come up to you at first because of the age difference.
But me and my friends are trying to be more accepting of people, so I'm not noticing that.
I'm just seeing a really hot lady With terrific jugs.
Thank youI think.
Wow.
Game on.
Yes.
Uh, excuse me? I will go out with you.
Uh You seem really sweet, and I'm an accepting and open person.
Oh.
Then I'm really glad I asked you out.
Me too.
- I'm Melanie, by the way.
- Oh, nice to meet you, Melanie.
My name's David, David Chapman.
But my friends call me "Chappy.
" Cute.
Ahmed, you'll be happy to know that Owen, Melanie, and I made a pact.
We're gonna be more open to people.
Really, Steve? Come on.
I've known you my whole life.
You've broken up with a lot of women for a lot of stupid reasons.
There are certain things you can't get past.
I can get past anything.
Are you gonna ask out the next person who walks through that door? I'm not insane.
But I am open.
Hi.
Can I get you something? Finally.
A bartender in Pittsburgh who's cute.
Finally.
A customer in Pittsburgh with taste.
Are you always that quick? Not always.
There are times when quickness is not a virtue.
And yet you're moving fast now.
I don't even know what I'm saying right now.
All I'm thinking is you're so freaking hot.
You're amazing! I love that you're a dark-beer girl.
Hey, I don't drink anything that's pink, fruity, or has an umbrella.
If you say you like hockey, I'll get down on one knee.
Then start measuring for rings.
'Cause Malkin's coming back from his concussion today, and the pens are going on a three-game road trip.
Actually, Malkin came back yesterday.
This is not working out.
God, you're so easy to talk to.
Isn't it amazing when that happens? You meet someone, and it's like you've always had this connection to them.
I kind of want to kiss you.
I kind of wish you would.
Why did you come in here tonight? Did heaven send you? Actually, I'm looking for someone.
She hangs out here a lot, apparently.
Her name's Carol Walsh.
Seriously? Yeah, I brought her some stuff her brother wanted her to have.
Yeah, he died last year.
He was quite a rascal, had like five wives.
Apparently, each one was younger and hotter than the one before.
How did you know him? He was my Uncle.
How did you know him? I was wife number five.
- Aunt June? - Little Owen? You've You've grown a lot since the picture that's up on my fridge.
Hey.
Thanks for the savings bond.
So, what happened with you and the hot girl? It was great.
We ended up talking until 2:00 in the morning.
Just talking.
- Cool.
What does she do? - No idea.
You know, we ended up talking about hockey, life, beer I'm telling you she's the perfect blend of cool and down-to-earth.
So am I.
Yeah, Hank, but she's also smoking hot.
So am I.
Owen seemed to have a great time.
He left with that woman.
And I had a really good time with David.
He's great.
W-well, there's one thing.
Here we go.
What's wrong with him? He calls me "Mel Mel.
" So he gave you a nickname.
Hardly a deal breaker.
And when we said good night, he said, "hasta la bye-bye.
" That's a deal breaker.
Hey, gang.
I got a quirky little thing with my lady, too.
It's actually a kind of funny coincidence.
And you guys are gonna think it's totally cute.
I mean, it's nothing as annoying as nicknames.
And I'm totally accepting of it.
Really, it's not a big deal.
Uh-oh.
Was it weird when you kissed? Oh, no.
Nothing that would affect our physical relationship.
It's just that She's my aunt.
Excuse me? She was married to my Uncle.
She's my aunt.
Yeah, I know what an aunt is.
It was my mother's brother's wife, so it's not like we're blood-related.
You're just related by "this is disgusting She's your aunt!" There's nothing disgusting about me and aunt June.
Except for the fact you call her "aunt June"! I thought your mom was the great love of your life.
Now it's your aunt? We just met last night.
It's not like Uncle bill's third wife, aunt cicely, who used to bathe me and my cousin Jeremy.
Although, she was hot, too.
- I wonder what she's up to.
- Oh, my God! I thought you guys said to be open to everyone.
Not relatives! Why can't you fall for someone not in your immediate family? How does your mom feel about all this? I haven't told her yet, but I'm sure she'll be cool with it.
I don't know, kid.
I've known your mom a long time.
She'll do a lot of things.
But to my knowledge, never a family member.
Hey.
She raised me to love without judgement.
Then she raised you wrong.
I'm all about judgement without love.
Ladies and gentlemen, my mother.
- Mel Mel! - Oh! Hey.
Uh, hey, Steve, you remember David Chapman.
Uh, "chappy.
" That okay with you, Steverino? No worries, Chaperino.
There's my man, Roy Roy.
Up top, o'dog.
That's awesome.
I'm a total "o'dog.
" Looking good, Jack Jack.
And last but not least, hammerin' Hank.
I notice sometimes your, uh your nicknames for people are just saying their names twice.
Is that technically a nickname? It seemslazy.
Well, I just find that giving someone a nickname puts them at ease so they can be their best selves.
That's all.
If it bothers you, I'll stop.
No, no.
I'm sorry.
It's really adorable.
It's also just kind of fun to say things twice.
Right.
Right.
Huh? Oh.
It is kind of fun-fun! Yeah.
No, it's not-not.
Steve, tell me one more time that nicknames are cute.
Melanie, he's a good guy.
That's all that matters.
That's easy for you to say.
Your girl's perfect.
- You know, sometimes I wonder if - Melanie.
Go away.
Hey, there.
Sorry.
I didn't hear you.
Now I heard you.
It was so great talking to you last night - until 2:00 A.
M.
- It was awesome.
It's like we barely paused to breathe.
And then this morning, Melanie asked me what you do for a living, and I can't believe I have no idea.
Well, that's because I'm a little worried - about telling you.
- Why? 'Cause I really like you.
And when guys find out what I do, they sometimes react in a very judgmental and negative way.
Well, that's not me.
I'm not judgmental.
Look You can tell me anything.
- I'm in marketing.
- Cool.
For the tobacco companies.
That bothers some people.
Well, people can be so morally superior.
My opinion on smoking is the facts are out there.
There's a warning on the box.
Adults can make their own decisions.
Actually, I market cigarettes to kids.
You're joking, right? No, we try to get them hooked when they're young by making smoking seem cool, showing how they're a terrific way to lose weight.
Oh, not here in the United States! In India, China, third-world countries.
They're a little bit more free there.
I mean, don't those kids deserve a smoke after making iPads all day? I'm in charge of a new kids' brand, where we make the cigarettes smaller for their little hands.
We even have a terrific slogan "Little smokes for little folks.
" Well, that's kind of evil.
Says the guy who serves alcohol for a living.
That's completely different.
Why? Because the kids you serve are 21 and not 8? They're smoking at 8?! Well, the cool ones.
Look, I get it.
This happens to me all the time with guys.
I guess you and I aren't meant to be.
That's really too bad, 'cause the thing is I've always had this crazy erotic fantasy of doing it with a bartender, right on top of the bar.
How does that sound, bartender? Okay, closing time! Everybody, drink up! So, Steve, I guess you have to ask yourself, "am I a good boy or a bad boy?" Bad boy.
Bad boy.
See you later.
Turns out she works with kids.
Go! My money's on the black guy! If we don't have a problem with nephew-on-aunt love, why should anyone else? Who cares what other people think? It's not weird to me.
Me either, aunt June.
Please stop calling me "aunt June.
" The winner! No.
I'm the winner.
Hey! How was dinner with Chappy? Oh, the chapster was in fine form.
He took me to a high-class place with a valet he called "Mr.
Red Vest" and a waiter he called "the waitster.
" Steve, you lucked out.
You got the perfect date.
I wouldn't say perfect.
I'm not sure we're totally in sync morally.
What do you care? She's a 10, and she's smokin'.
And she's not the only one who's 10 and smoking.
Hey, Ahmed the bed, the Real McRoy, and Hammerin' Hank.
- Hiya, Bootsy.
- "Bootsy"? Yeah, I'm just trying it out, seeing if it fits.
It doesn't.
I don't even wear boots, David.
Call me "Chappy.
" And I just thought "Bootsy" might be cute.
It doesn't work on any level, so don't call me "Bootsy.
" Just call me "Mel Mel.
" I can't believe I'm fighting for "Mel Mel.
" It's a sign of affection, Boots.
Not to me! Or to Mr.
Red Vest! Whoa.
Whoa.
What I'm getting is that my nicknames bother you.
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
But you should know you do stuff that bugs me.
I bug you? Yeah, Boots.
You hold back your sneeze.
Most people enjoy sneezing.
It's a release.
But for you, it's something you try to suppress.
That's a metaphor.
You're afraid to let go.
Have a nice life, Boots.
Chappy out.
- So, let me get this straight.
She's super hot? - Yes.
She wants to have sex with you on the bar? - Yes.
- She sells cigarettes to little children? Yes.
What's the problem again? The problem, Roy, is that she sells cigarettes to little children.
Yes, but she's hot.
And she wants to have sex with him on the bar.
Two out of three takes it.
Got to agree with Roy.
I don't know.
There's something about it that just seems so wrong.
Says the aunt banger.
Steve, you can't really be thinking about this.
This is not something that you should be accepting.
The woman sells cancer to children.
Well, let's not be so quick to judge, Mel Mel.
Maybe she just needs to be with the right guy.
Is it even possible to bang morality into somebody? Hammerin' Hank could.
Well, I don't know.
It still feels wrong.
I mean, it just crosses the line of decency.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tell my mom I want to get inside my aunt.
I've got a surprise for you.
Look who's in town.
June! What a great surprise! Hey, Carol.
I have something for you from Bill.
I was cleaning out a lot of old stuff, and I knew he'd want you to have those family pictures.
Ohh.
We were always such a close family.
About to be balls-deep close.
Well, now that we've said our hellos and had our hugs, aunt June and I would like to run something past you, mom.
Cute story.
- She's gonna go off.
- I don't know.
She's truly open.
She can accept all kinds of love.
Are you two freaking sick? Ever since Bill passed, you told me I should put myself back out there.
I didn't tell you to bonk my son.
Oh, we didn't bonk, mom.
We just dry-bonked.
Oh, I forgot.
II did get a bonk-job.
Owen, if you don't understand how inappropriate this relationship with your aunt is, I'm just gonna have to explain it to you at bath time.
Hey, barkeep.
Take off your pants.
Already did.
That wasn't as hot as I thought it was gonna be.
Worked for me.
Oh, oh.
Sorry.
I'll get that.
I'm a little rusty at my bar sex.
Trust me.
You're doing just fine.
Here's your lip gloss in there.
Your cellphone is okay.
And here's your pack ofSmalboros?! Come here.
Now all I'm seeing is an 8-year-old Asian boy smoking.
Forget about him.
I can't.
It's just what you do is so wrong.
You know what? I don't need this.
I'm sorry.
You're a really nice person except for all the horrible things you do.
Whatever, Steve.
You just missed out on a night of mind-blowing bar sex because of your stupid moral compass.
Well, at least I have a moral compass.
Which is pointing north.
- Saturday night.
Anybody got plans? - Not me.
- Not me Hey, Ahmed.
Where's Bobbie? She dumped me.
I finally beat her in arm wrestling.
She got all bent out of shape.
She felt I emasculated her.
Maybe I've been wrong about being open.
I mean, I did that, and look where I am.
You know, I almost lost myself with that girl.
There are some things you shouldn't get past.
Finding love is hard.
But if you're gonna find somebody you like, that you get along with, that doesn't drive you crazy, you have got to keep your heart open.
Don't build a wall around yourselves.
That's good advice for you, Steve.
Me? What about you? That's good advice for both of you.
Actually, that's terrible advice.
You should not be more open to people.
You should be more closed.
Build a wall 50 feet high and 50 feet thick around your heart.
And if anyone tries to scale that wall, hit them with spears and shoot them in the head.
Anybody got plans? - Not me.
- Not me.
I do.
Oh, wait.
That was 1993.
Are you telling me it's Saturday, no one's got a date? Guys, I want you to meet somebody special.
This is Bobbie.
She's a tow-truck driver, like me.
Drive a wrecker.
Guilty as charged.
Her response time is off the charts.
Stop.
You're embarrassing me.
- I'll get us some drinks.
- I'll get us a table.
When she says, "go get a table," is she gonna rip one out of the floor? She is a lot of woman.
And a fair amount of man.
Let me tell you something about Bobbie.
She's a little tomboyish, but she has her feminine side.
Hey, babe.
Where's the crapper? Which one is she going to? Oh, I'm sorry.
What big dates do you guys have lined up for tonight? Yeah, that's what I thought.
You'd rather rag on my chick than actually put yourselves out there and take a chance on love.
And that's why you'll all die alone.
How did we get from you dating the big girl to us dying alone? I put myself out there.
It's just that there's nobody dateable in Pittsburgh.
In the whole city? You guys are just too picky.
I'm out there, too, Ahmed.
I'm just not having any luck.
Last night, I went out with a girl who could not stop talking.
I just sat there and listened while she talked About work, about her juice diet, about her cat's juice diet.
Dude, you should have just gone to a movie.
We were at a movie.
I missed the whole thing.
Does the tiger ever eat that kid? I just love your guys' loser dating stories.
I'm glad you find our misery so entertaining.
I'm married, man.
The best parts of my life are over.
But hearing about your pathetic single lives makes me happy to be married to a woman that leaves the door open when she poops.
I do that, too.
I guess when you're in a long-term relationship, you naturally get to that point.
Owen, you live with your mother.
Yeah, but we try to keep the magic alive.
Da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da dda, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Hey, Ahmed, it's been a few minutes since your date went to the ladies' room.
What's she doing in there, powdering her balls? I'm just saying, you don't find love unless you're open to it.
You're all too picky.
I'm not too picky.
With me, the only deal breaker is if a broad just totally repulses me on every level.
But even then, there's something about a girl who says "yes.
" You guys would rather bitch about how there's nobody to date than to give someone a chance.
Ahmed, I totally agree.
You have to be open to all different kinds of people.
In my experience, you can find love and passion with people of all colors, shapes, and sizes.
I mean, how are you ever gonna know what great lovers midgets are until you've had one go up on you? Look at your mother and me, Steve.
We've been happily married for 35 years.
But on paper, it makes no sense.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
These two people took a chance on love, and look what happened.
Chance nothing.
I did my research.
Your father was the only marine in the mess hall who had the sweet and caring personality that I knew I could relentlessly drive to success.
That driving she's good at.
Two beers, please, Steve.
You really think Bobbie could be the one? I don't know, Owen.
Nobody ever knows.
But my heart's open to finding out.
Whoo! Damn, baby, I just took a crap a mile long! I am feeling light as a feather.
Give me a piggyback ride, daddy.
Wow.
Maybe Ahmed's right.
Maybe we're being too picky.
Yeah.
I mean, look at him.
He really likes her.
And look at my parents.
They couldn't be more different, but they're happy.
Maybe I haven't been accepting enough.
What have I been doing, holding out for this ideal woman that doesn't exist? Who cares if a chick isn't perfect? As long as she's tall and stacked and a little bit slutty, my heart should be open to her.
That's the spirit.
Hey, why don't the three of us make a pact to be more open to people? I'm in.
Me too.
Okay, uh, Melanie, that guy that's been sitting there for half-an-hour? He's been kind of checking you out.
Why don't you go talk to him? The one with the loser paisley tie? You're dinging him because of his tie? Not crazy about the shoes, either.
I'll show you how to be open.
The next girl that walks in this bar I am asking out.
Well, not her.
She's old.
Wait a minute.
That's a pretty lady.
She could be like 10 years older than me.
Isn't that the point? To be open to people you normally wouldn't be open to? She's not gonna know any of my cartoons! Owen, just do it.
You've got nothing to lose.
Hey, there.
Hi.
Hey.
I've never seen you in here before.
And I've seen everyone, 'cause I'm here all the time.
That's the upside to not having a life.
- Can I get you a beer? - Sure.
That'd be great.
I was a little scared to come up to you at first because of the age difference.
But me and my friends are trying to be more accepting of people, so I'm not noticing that.
I'm just seeing a really hot lady With terrific jugs.
Thank youI think.
Wow.
Game on.
Yes.
Uh, excuse me? I will go out with you.
Uh You seem really sweet, and I'm an accepting and open person.
Oh.
Then I'm really glad I asked you out.
Me too.
- I'm Melanie, by the way.
- Oh, nice to meet you, Melanie.
My name's David, David Chapman.
But my friends call me "Chappy.
" Cute.
Ahmed, you'll be happy to know that Owen, Melanie, and I made a pact.
We're gonna be more open to people.
Really, Steve? Come on.
I've known you my whole life.
You've broken up with a lot of women for a lot of stupid reasons.
There are certain things you can't get past.
I can get past anything.
Are you gonna ask out the next person who walks through that door? I'm not insane.
But I am open.
Hi.
Can I get you something? Finally.
A bartender in Pittsburgh who's cute.
Finally.
A customer in Pittsburgh with taste.
Are you always that quick? Not always.
There are times when quickness is not a virtue.
And yet you're moving fast now.
I don't even know what I'm saying right now.
All I'm thinking is you're so freaking hot.
You're amazing! I love that you're a dark-beer girl.
Hey, I don't drink anything that's pink, fruity, or has an umbrella.
If you say you like hockey, I'll get down on one knee.
Then start measuring for rings.
'Cause Malkin's coming back from his concussion today, and the pens are going on a three-game road trip.
Actually, Malkin came back yesterday.
This is not working out.
God, you're so easy to talk to.
Isn't it amazing when that happens? You meet someone, and it's like you've always had this connection to them.
I kind of want to kiss you.
I kind of wish you would.
Why did you come in here tonight? Did heaven send you? Actually, I'm looking for someone.
She hangs out here a lot, apparently.
Her name's Carol Walsh.
Seriously? Yeah, I brought her some stuff her brother wanted her to have.
Yeah, he died last year.
He was quite a rascal, had like five wives.
Apparently, each one was younger and hotter than the one before.
How did you know him? He was my Uncle.
How did you know him? I was wife number five.
- Aunt June? - Little Owen? You've You've grown a lot since the picture that's up on my fridge.
Hey.
Thanks for the savings bond.
So, what happened with you and the hot girl? It was great.
We ended up talking until 2:00 in the morning.
Just talking.
- Cool.
What does she do? - No idea.
You know, we ended up talking about hockey, life, beer I'm telling you she's the perfect blend of cool and down-to-earth.
So am I.
Yeah, Hank, but she's also smoking hot.
So am I.
Owen seemed to have a great time.
He left with that woman.
And I had a really good time with David.
He's great.
W-well, there's one thing.
Here we go.
What's wrong with him? He calls me "Mel Mel.
" So he gave you a nickname.
Hardly a deal breaker.
And when we said good night, he said, "hasta la bye-bye.
" That's a deal breaker.
Hey, gang.
I got a quirky little thing with my lady, too.
It's actually a kind of funny coincidence.
And you guys are gonna think it's totally cute.
I mean, it's nothing as annoying as nicknames.
And I'm totally accepting of it.
Really, it's not a big deal.
Uh-oh.
Was it weird when you kissed? Oh, no.
Nothing that would affect our physical relationship.
It's just that She's my aunt.
Excuse me? She was married to my Uncle.
She's my aunt.
Yeah, I know what an aunt is.
It was my mother's brother's wife, so it's not like we're blood-related.
You're just related by "this is disgusting She's your aunt!" There's nothing disgusting about me and aunt June.
Except for the fact you call her "aunt June"! I thought your mom was the great love of your life.
Now it's your aunt? We just met last night.
It's not like Uncle bill's third wife, aunt cicely, who used to bathe me and my cousin Jeremy.
Although, she was hot, too.
- I wonder what she's up to.
- Oh, my God! I thought you guys said to be open to everyone.
Not relatives! Why can't you fall for someone not in your immediate family? How does your mom feel about all this? I haven't told her yet, but I'm sure she'll be cool with it.
I don't know, kid.
I've known your mom a long time.
She'll do a lot of things.
But to my knowledge, never a family member.
Hey.
She raised me to love without judgement.
Then she raised you wrong.
I'm all about judgement without love.
Ladies and gentlemen, my mother.
- Mel Mel! - Oh! Hey.
Uh, hey, Steve, you remember David Chapman.
Uh, "chappy.
" That okay with you, Steverino? No worries, Chaperino.
There's my man, Roy Roy.
Up top, o'dog.
That's awesome.
I'm a total "o'dog.
" Looking good, Jack Jack.
And last but not least, hammerin' Hank.
I notice sometimes your, uh your nicknames for people are just saying their names twice.
Is that technically a nickname? It seemslazy.
Well, I just find that giving someone a nickname puts them at ease so they can be their best selves.
That's all.
If it bothers you, I'll stop.
No, no.
I'm sorry.
It's really adorable.
It's also just kind of fun to say things twice.
Right.
Right.
Huh? Oh.
It is kind of fun-fun! Yeah.
No, it's not-not.
Steve, tell me one more time that nicknames are cute.
Melanie, he's a good guy.
That's all that matters.
That's easy for you to say.
Your girl's perfect.
- You know, sometimes I wonder if - Melanie.
Go away.
Hey, there.
Sorry.
I didn't hear you.
Now I heard you.
It was so great talking to you last night - until 2:00 A.
M.
- It was awesome.
It's like we barely paused to breathe.
And then this morning, Melanie asked me what you do for a living, and I can't believe I have no idea.
Well, that's because I'm a little worried - about telling you.
- Why? 'Cause I really like you.
And when guys find out what I do, they sometimes react in a very judgmental and negative way.
Well, that's not me.
I'm not judgmental.
Look You can tell me anything.
- I'm in marketing.
- Cool.
For the tobacco companies.
That bothers some people.
Well, people can be so morally superior.
My opinion on smoking is the facts are out there.
There's a warning on the box.
Adults can make their own decisions.
Actually, I market cigarettes to kids.
You're joking, right? No, we try to get them hooked when they're young by making smoking seem cool, showing how they're a terrific way to lose weight.
Oh, not here in the United States! In India, China, third-world countries.
They're a little bit more free there.
I mean, don't those kids deserve a smoke after making iPads all day? I'm in charge of a new kids' brand, where we make the cigarettes smaller for their little hands.
We even have a terrific slogan "Little smokes for little folks.
" Well, that's kind of evil.
Says the guy who serves alcohol for a living.
That's completely different.
Why? Because the kids you serve are 21 and not 8? They're smoking at 8?! Well, the cool ones.
Look, I get it.
This happens to me all the time with guys.
I guess you and I aren't meant to be.
That's really too bad, 'cause the thing is I've always had this crazy erotic fantasy of doing it with a bartender, right on top of the bar.
How does that sound, bartender? Okay, closing time! Everybody, drink up! So, Steve, I guess you have to ask yourself, "am I a good boy or a bad boy?" Bad boy.
Bad boy.
See you later.
Turns out she works with kids.
Go! My money's on the black guy! If we don't have a problem with nephew-on-aunt love, why should anyone else? Who cares what other people think? It's not weird to me.
Me either, aunt June.
Please stop calling me "aunt June.
" The winner! No.
I'm the winner.
Hey! How was dinner with Chappy? Oh, the chapster was in fine form.
He took me to a high-class place with a valet he called "Mr.
Red Vest" and a waiter he called "the waitster.
" Steve, you lucked out.
You got the perfect date.
I wouldn't say perfect.
I'm not sure we're totally in sync morally.
What do you care? She's a 10, and she's smokin'.
And she's not the only one who's 10 and smoking.
Hey, Ahmed the bed, the Real McRoy, and Hammerin' Hank.
- Hiya, Bootsy.
- "Bootsy"? Yeah, I'm just trying it out, seeing if it fits.
It doesn't.
I don't even wear boots, David.
Call me "Chappy.
" And I just thought "Bootsy" might be cute.
It doesn't work on any level, so don't call me "Bootsy.
" Just call me "Mel Mel.
" I can't believe I'm fighting for "Mel Mel.
" It's a sign of affection, Boots.
Not to me! Or to Mr.
Red Vest! Whoa.
Whoa.
What I'm getting is that my nicknames bother you.
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
But you should know you do stuff that bugs me.
I bug you? Yeah, Boots.
You hold back your sneeze.
Most people enjoy sneezing.
It's a release.
But for you, it's something you try to suppress.
That's a metaphor.
You're afraid to let go.
Have a nice life, Boots.
Chappy out.
- So, let me get this straight.
She's super hot? - Yes.
She wants to have sex with you on the bar? - Yes.
- She sells cigarettes to little children? Yes.
What's the problem again? The problem, Roy, is that she sells cigarettes to little children.
Yes, but she's hot.
And she wants to have sex with him on the bar.
Two out of three takes it.
Got to agree with Roy.
I don't know.
There's something about it that just seems so wrong.
Says the aunt banger.
Steve, you can't really be thinking about this.
This is not something that you should be accepting.
The woman sells cancer to children.
Well, let's not be so quick to judge, Mel Mel.
Maybe she just needs to be with the right guy.
Is it even possible to bang morality into somebody? Hammerin' Hank could.
Well, I don't know.
It still feels wrong.
I mean, it just crosses the line of decency.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tell my mom I want to get inside my aunt.
I've got a surprise for you.
Look who's in town.
June! What a great surprise! Hey, Carol.
I have something for you from Bill.
I was cleaning out a lot of old stuff, and I knew he'd want you to have those family pictures.
Ohh.
We were always such a close family.
About to be balls-deep close.
Well, now that we've said our hellos and had our hugs, aunt June and I would like to run something past you, mom.
Cute story.
- She's gonna go off.
- I don't know.
She's truly open.
She can accept all kinds of love.
Are you two freaking sick? Ever since Bill passed, you told me I should put myself back out there.
I didn't tell you to bonk my son.
Oh, we didn't bonk, mom.
We just dry-bonked.
Oh, I forgot.
II did get a bonk-job.
Owen, if you don't understand how inappropriate this relationship with your aunt is, I'm just gonna have to explain it to you at bath time.
Hey, barkeep.
Take off your pants.
Already did.
That wasn't as hot as I thought it was gonna be.
Worked for me.
Oh, oh.
Sorry.
I'll get that.
I'm a little rusty at my bar sex.
Trust me.
You're doing just fine.
Here's your lip gloss in there.
Your cellphone is okay.
And here's your pack ofSmalboros?! Come here.
Now all I'm seeing is an 8-year-old Asian boy smoking.
Forget about him.
I can't.
It's just what you do is so wrong.
You know what? I don't need this.
I'm sorry.
You're a really nice person except for all the horrible things you do.
Whatever, Steve.
You just missed out on a night of mind-blowing bar sex because of your stupid moral compass.
Well, at least I have a moral compass.
Which is pointing north.
- Saturday night.
Anybody got plans? - Not me.
- Not me Hey, Ahmed.
Where's Bobbie? She dumped me.
I finally beat her in arm wrestling.
She got all bent out of shape.
She felt I emasculated her.
Maybe I've been wrong about being open.
I mean, I did that, and look where I am.
You know, I almost lost myself with that girl.
There are some things you shouldn't get past.
Finding love is hard.
But if you're gonna find somebody you like, that you get along with, that doesn't drive you crazy, you have got to keep your heart open.
Don't build a wall around yourselves.
That's good advice for you, Steve.
Me? What about you? That's good advice for both of you.
Actually, that's terrible advice.
You should not be more open to people.
You should be more closed.
Build a wall 50 feet high and 50 feet thick around your heart.
And if anyone tries to scale that wall, hit them with spears and shoot them in the head.