Sullivan and Son (2012) s02e04 Episode Script
Winning Is Everything
Oh, check it out, guys, the new jerseys are in.
That is a perfect fit for you, Steve.
That is a great look Tight around the guns, exposed midriff.
Rowr! Carol, I'm coaching peewee hockey this year.
These are for 8-year-old boys.
Well, 8-year-old boys have abs, and this gal's got eyes.
I think your dad's making these stronger.
Hey, you got the jerseys! Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you sure you don't want to coach? You've done it all these years.
Nah, kid.
Your bar, your team, your turn.
The Sullivan & Sson Bombers are all yours now.
Oh, you kids were so cute when you played.
You'd skate around, bump into each other, fall down, your little bottoms dusted with ice.
It was so adorable.
On the other hand, you guys really sucked out there.
No, we didn't.
Oh, please, you guys were 0-and-forever.
Hey, we won a game against the team from Carnegie.
That was a forfeit.
They got in a bus crash.
It was a horrible, horrible tragedy! Hey, my philosophy was, "more important an winning, every kid plays.
" That was the problem with your team when you were kids Every one of you played, even the black guy and the arab here.
Let's be honest, these guys shouldn't be on the ice.
They're built for heat.
Hey, I was born here.
Hey, no disrespect, it's just not in your blood.
What's in your blood is sand and haggling.
I was proud to be the first black kid in this neighborhood to play peewee hockey.
It was groundbreaking.
I was Jackie Robinson on ice.
Roy, your people shouldn't be playing hockey.
If the ice melts, we all know you can't swim.
I told you you'd be tired.
Your father was up all night watching a "T.
J.
Hooker" marathon.
Dad, I thought you didn't like cop shows.
Two words Heather Locklear.
I started with her on "Hooker," stuck with her through that crazy shit on "Melrose" laughed with her on "Spin City," and now she's killing it on "Franklin & Bash.
" Heather Locklear is your father's free pass.
I guess we had a version of that back in the 1970s when I was married.
We called it a key party.
All the couples go to a party, and the men put their car keys in a bowl.
And the gals pick a key and whoever they got, that's who they go home with.
Yeah, it sounds like fun until you notice that your wife keeps accidentally picking the keys of the only colored guy in the neighborhood.
"Oh, my God, I can't believe I did it again!" "Come on, it's a velour key chain, Helen!" Mom, please don't tell me you have a free pass.
Not anymore.
Kim Jong Il is dead.
All right, great practice, guys.
Quick to the puck, good hustle.
Now, have a seat.
Let's do a little chalk talk.
Yeah, chalk talk! Seat time! Come on! Um, coach, my mother said that there would be doughnuts after every rehearsal.
It's called practice, Howie.
I'm just saying, that was a lot of exercise, and I really could use a little something.
Sit down, Howie.
Hey, coach, how's the team looking this year? Oh, we've got a great bunch of kids.
Lots of spirit, good attitude.
We're gonna have a great season.
I don't see a lot of indigenous ice skaters there, if you get my drift.
Well, uh, we could use a Canadian or two, but Quan, that little Vietnamese kid, he's quick.
Oh, yeah, they can run when they have to.
Hey, coach, I need your team roster.
I'm just filling that out now, Lyle.
Listen, I'm running the entire peewee hockey league, so if you don't mind, I prefer you call me commissioner, or "commish" if you like an easy-bantering relationship.
I don't.
Okay.
Hey, uh, wait a minute, you you didn't cut anyone.
That's right any kid in this neighborhood who wants to play hockey gets to on this team.
Oh, so the Sullivan & Son loser tradition lives on, huh? No, it's a winning tradition of playing to have fun and giving it your all.
My God, d do you listen yourself? Oh, hey, fellas.
Hey, Lyle.
Wow, you got the entire mount rushmore of loserdom here, huh? I can't remember when we were kids, did you guys ever win a game? Yeah, we we chalked one up.
You don't mean that game, do you? Y you know there's a memorial plaque by the highway.
Oh, hey, one more thing.
I almost forgot.
This year, we decided to get rid of the pussy rule.
The what? You know, when a team's six goals ahead and we stop keeping score so the pussies who are losing stop crying.
You know, the pussy rule.
I believe that's called the mercy rule.
Of course you'd know what it was called.
It was invented because you guys lost so bad that one time when we were kids.
Whose team were you playing? I can't re Oh, yeah, mine.
Do you remember what the score was? It was 6-0.
No, pussy! It was 36-0! Yeah, but officially in the books, it was 6-0.
That's only because you guys whined and cried and moaned so bad, everybody felt sorry for you, so they invented a rule so you losers would feel better.
Do you guys know you started an entire movement? Every kids' league in America has that rule now.
You guys helped pussify an entire country.
Lyle, that was ages ago.
Nobody even remembers it.
I dream about it every night.
I play that game over and over again in my head.
That's why I haven't been able to love.
Check the schedule, Sullivan.
In two weeks, our teams are playing each other.
And without that rule there to protect you, the whole world is gonna know how badly we kick your ass.
Look, I don't care about our history.
I care about the kids.
And I'm gonna teach them teamwork, skills, and to have fun.
Where do you get this crap? The point of coaching children at any age is to teach them that winning is everything, losing is unacceptable, and the sweetest sound they can hear is their opponents crying for mercy as their tiny 8-year-old spirits are breaking.
Oh, my God.
I think I found him.
Found who? My free pass! That is one beautiful piece of nasty.
Excuse me! Oh, come on, Jack.
It's been two days.
Are you still upset about my free pass with Lyle? I'm okay about you and Heather Locklear.
That's different.
She's a television sensation.
I have zero chance with her.
How do you know? Maybe she comes to Pittsburgh, has a small stroke, you remind her of her grandfather, and with all the medication, she accidentally lets you touch her.
The point is, that is not how the rule works.
A free pass is a free pass.
Yeah, but what makes it fun is that it could never happen! I thought what makes it fun is you're allowed to get a piece of strange.
Okay, guys, okay.
Tough first game of the season, but it could have been a lot worse.
We'll get them next week.
Now go get some doughnuts, and assistant coach Owen's gonna start the postgame chat.
All right, guys, we just got to work on a few things, like offense, defense, and how to get out of the penalty box without injuring ourselves.
I didn't know the door swings in, but my nuts do.
Oh.
Oh! Sorry.
No, no! Don't be sorry.
Oh! Is that old spice? No, it's, uh, Kit Kat.
Steve, sorry to barge in here like this, but as the commish, I got to check on something.
Somebody submitted a score card that said the Sullivan & Son Bombers lost 17-0.
I mean, that's got to be wrong, or you'd be hanging by your neck from that rafter up there out of shame, wouldn't you? Lyle, are you here for a reason? Well, let's see, made fun of you for losing, urged you towards suicide Oh, one last thing next week on the ice, when our teams play, your team's dead.
Well, don't bet on it, Lyle.
My team is motivated to come back strong.
Yeah, they they look real motivated sitting there eating doughnuts.
Meanwhile, my boys are doing wind sprints in the rain.
You guys lost? No, we won, but their trash talk was a little phoned in.
Congratulations, Sullivan.
You're coaching a team of happy losers.
Hey, they're not happy.
Hey, fellas, are you happy about what happened today? What happened today? That's Howie.
Every team has one.
Mine doesn't.
We get rid of them.
- How? - I'm the commish.
I can make people disappear.
Well, any kid that wants to play should be able to.
I know what you think of me, Sullivan that I yell at the boys too much and I scream at them, that I tell them they're worthless, that I'm borderline abusive.
Why am I so sweaty? Listen up what I did to you guys when we were kids, my boys are gonna do to yours on Saturday.
I don't think so.
Oh, yeah, it's the circle of life.
It's all coming around again.
Our boys are primed and ready.
Please, look at them.
Which one of those little boys is gonna be the tow-truck driver? Which one's gonna be the unemployed slow kid? Hey.
That's what I love about this town! Nothing ever changes.
See you next week.
We got to kick that guy's ass.
There's no way I'm gonna let this happen again.
How are we gonna do that? We're coming off a 17-0 loss.
We've got to toughen them up.
Hey, guys, why are we celebrating? We just got our butts kicked.
What's the difference? We still get doughnuts.
Yeah, but it's time to get serious.
We have to talk about what we need to work on.
You guys want to get better, right? Why? My mother says I'm perfect the way I am.
Well, nobody's perfect.
My daddy says I'm a snowflake.
And I'm a special boy like no other.
That's what both my moms say.
Guys, listen up.
We got a big game next week, and we really need to win.
But you said it doesn't matter who wins.
It's just about having fun.
Yeah? Well, that was bullshit.
We need to kick ass.
Howie, put down the doughnuts.
Doughnuts are for winners.
That was not in the brochure.
Winning matters! The only way we're gonna win is to work hard and want it more than anybody else! What does it take to be a winner? Drive.
Intensity.
Concentration.
And most importantly, a killer instinct.
Those are all important.
Just remember them in a different order.
Coach, can I see you for a moment? Sure, sure.
Pretty tough, huh, dad? I don't know, coach.
Think you're going a little overboard? You think these boys are having any fun? Hey, we got a big game Saturday.
We got to win.
Who's got to win? Them or you? You know what's going to get those boys into game shape? Painting a three-bedroom, two-bath house.
No, Hank.
How about cleaning out a basement filled with memories I can't face? Come on, what are you pansy-asses doing out there?! How about we stop ice dancing and start body checking?! Did somebody take a suck pill this morning?! 'Cause that's what I'm seeing out there big-time suckage! Oh, that's it, Bobby! Don't you help him up! I want to see everybody doing that Delivering pain, am I right? Hey, coach, when are you gonna use my son? Mom! You're embarrassing me.
Guys, Quan's open! Pass to Quan! Pass to Quan! Shoot, Quan, shoot! Goal! Yes! That's what I'm talking about! All you guys listen to me! I want you all to die! I'm serious this time! What's the score, boys? Well, as long as our kids are doing their best.
No, Jack, we're winning! What? We're up 3-0.
Holy crap! We never won before! Steve, we're winning! No, we haven't won anything yet.
We got to stay sharp, guys.
One mistake could change everything one mistake.
Coach, I haven't played yet.
Can I go in? That would be one big mistake.
Hey, hey, hey! Way to get open, Quan.
You came out of nowhere.
They're always doing that.
That's how we lost the corporal and the kid from Iowa.
I don't know how many times I told them, "whatever you do, don't kick the banana leaves!" Okay, guys, okay, listen, this is a tight game.
Don't blow it.
But, coach, we're up 3-0.
That's loser talk.
A three-goal lead is the most dangerous lead in hockey.
Wow, I've never seen Steve act like this.
I love it! Go, mean Steve! hey, check this out, Lyle.
Here's my three-goal-lead dance.
Hey, Lyle, this is my 6-0 dance.
Dance it up, Sullivan.
A six-goal lead is the most dangerous lead in hockey.
What's that, Lyle? Is someone begging for the mercy rule? Oh, is the skate on the other foot now? Huh? Hey, coach, make sure your defenseman clears the crease so your goalie's not screened.
Well, what do you know, slick guy with stubble? I'm Timmy's Uncle number 30.
I'm also the goalie for the Buffalo Sabres.
Ryan Miller.
Pipe down, hot shot.
This is peewee hockey.
It's a little more challenging than the NHL.
Hey, coach, when are you gonna play my kid?! Hey, is that your mom? Yeah.
She's hot.
Tell me about it.
She's giving me a zamboner.
Hey, that's my mom you're talking about.
Keep skating, Quan! It's not your blood! Steve, they're just kids.
Aren't you being a little mean? Melanie, the only time I want to hear from you is when one of my kids gets hurt.
Like now.
Go.
Sorry we're late.
What are we losing by? The score is 6-0.
Well, let's face it, our kids suck.
We're winning! Oh, no! I promised my kid a car.
Hey, coach, can I play now? Now, Howie.
Sit tight.
Hey, it's just a baby tooth, Charlie.
Swallow it! I got to hand it to you, Sullivan, I didn't think you had it in you.
You're more me than me.
Hey, I'm nothing like you.
Oh, really? What ever happened to, "everybody plays"? Every kid's gonna play.
What about the kid who doesn't know he's gay yet? I haven't seen him take the ice.
Mind your own bench.
I get it.
You're doing what I do making the problems go away by ignoring them.
Congratulations, you're a coach now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going? Well, if I'm not going to play, I might as well go.
What? I'm the worst player on this team, and I don't deserve to play.
And, let's be honest, coach, you want me gone.
No.
No.
Howie, put your helmet on.
You're playing.
Steve! What are you doing?! I can't believe it.
I became the one thing I swore I wouldn't be a rotten coach.
That kid doesn't want to play hockey.
He'd rather be in the theater.
Dad, I don't want to win like that.
Howie, you get out there and you play your heart out, all right? - I will.
- All right! - Thanks, coach.
- Yeah! Show them! Get out there.
Easy! Don't crush the chips in my pocket.
Yeah! 6-4! We're coming back! Like my comeback dance? Kiss this, Sullivan! Shake that money-maker! Steve, you made your point.
Pull the kid out.
Come on, Steve.
He's letting goals go left and right.
Every kid plays.
You're right, Sullivan, 'cause losing's great for kids.
You know, Lyle, I almost became a coach like you.
I almost treated my players with humiliation and anger, but I'm not gonna be that guy.
I'm gonna be a supportive, positive, and nurturing coach.
Howie, get your ass out of the game! Time out! Time out! Protect the lead.
Clear the puck.
Now, Howie, if you want to skate the last 20 seconds, just say the word.
It's entirely up to you.
I want to play.
Again, it's very close.
That's okay, coach.
I get it.
You were nice to put me in, but I was right the first time.
I don't belong on this team.
No, you listen to me.
You belong on this team.
Every one of you belongs on this team.
Each one of you guys has something special to give.
Really? What do I have to give? You're big! You're the biggest guy on our team.
Second-biggest guy on our team.
Now, do you see number 13, the kid that's been skating around, scoring all the goals? He's gonna continue to do that unless one of you guys takes him out.
So maybe we need the biggest guy on our team to knock him on his butt as hard as he can.
- Can you do that, Howie? - I can do that.
Then you go out there, and you it.
Game faces, fellas! All right! Good hustle, boys! Good hustle! Defense.
Defense.
Oh, no, he's got the puck! Now, Howie! Now! Good God.
Look at the big kid.
He's skating on his ankles, but he's getting there.
We won! We actually won a game! We beat Lyle! We beat him! Men, it was a hard-fought game.
What do we say to the other team after a tough loss? We don't know, coach.
We never lost.
Let me show you.
You still suck! You're a bunch of jagoffs! Okay, pizza for the winners! All right, careful.
It's hot.
It's not the only thing that's hot.
Well, that is adorable, but I am old enough to be your moth nutritionist.
Oh, not for me.
You're one of my moms' free passes.
This one's a pepperoni, so yum.
What do you want, Lyle? Just hear me out, Sullivan.
Uh, somebody had one of those camera phones at the game today, and I saw video of my behavior.
For the first time, I saw myself as others see me Rude, belligerent, out of control Sexy.
But I I didn't like what I saw.
You know, the kids you coach liked you more when you were losing than mine ever did me when we were winning.
So I want to apologize, and not just for today, but for 20 years ago when we beat you 6-0.
Well, uh, to be honest, Lyle, I got a little out of hand, myself.
Let's, uh let's promise each other we'll both keep it in check next time.
Deal.
Excuse me.
Mister, would you like a piece of pizza? It is mister, right? I only ask because you look like one of my moms.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks, kid.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're nice guy now? Well, I'm gonna try to be.
So no more yelling, no more throwing things, no more telling the kids to die? No, I I'm done with that.
Then I'm-a done with you.
That's the problem with eye candy.
They talk too much.
See you soon, Sullivan, and, uh, next time I see you on the ice, I'll be a nice guy.
Me, too, commish.
You're not really serious about that, are you? Hell, no.
You know what's gonna make these boys feel good about themselves? Winning a championship! Yeah! Yeah, pizza time's over! Two laps around the block! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, guys! Wait, me, too, coach? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You're my enforcer.
I need you big.
That is a perfect fit for you, Steve.
That is a great look Tight around the guns, exposed midriff.
Rowr! Carol, I'm coaching peewee hockey this year.
These are for 8-year-old boys.
Well, 8-year-old boys have abs, and this gal's got eyes.
I think your dad's making these stronger.
Hey, you got the jerseys! Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you sure you don't want to coach? You've done it all these years.
Nah, kid.
Your bar, your team, your turn.
The Sullivan & Sson Bombers are all yours now.
Oh, you kids were so cute when you played.
You'd skate around, bump into each other, fall down, your little bottoms dusted with ice.
It was so adorable.
On the other hand, you guys really sucked out there.
No, we didn't.
Oh, please, you guys were 0-and-forever.
Hey, we won a game against the team from Carnegie.
That was a forfeit.
They got in a bus crash.
It was a horrible, horrible tragedy! Hey, my philosophy was, "more important an winning, every kid plays.
" That was the problem with your team when you were kids Every one of you played, even the black guy and the arab here.
Let's be honest, these guys shouldn't be on the ice.
They're built for heat.
Hey, I was born here.
Hey, no disrespect, it's just not in your blood.
What's in your blood is sand and haggling.
I was proud to be the first black kid in this neighborhood to play peewee hockey.
It was groundbreaking.
I was Jackie Robinson on ice.
Roy, your people shouldn't be playing hockey.
If the ice melts, we all know you can't swim.
I told you you'd be tired.
Your father was up all night watching a "T.
J.
Hooker" marathon.
Dad, I thought you didn't like cop shows.
Two words Heather Locklear.
I started with her on "Hooker," stuck with her through that crazy shit on "Melrose" laughed with her on "Spin City," and now she's killing it on "Franklin & Bash.
" Heather Locklear is your father's free pass.
I guess we had a version of that back in the 1970s when I was married.
We called it a key party.
All the couples go to a party, and the men put their car keys in a bowl.
And the gals pick a key and whoever they got, that's who they go home with.
Yeah, it sounds like fun until you notice that your wife keeps accidentally picking the keys of the only colored guy in the neighborhood.
"Oh, my God, I can't believe I did it again!" "Come on, it's a velour key chain, Helen!" Mom, please don't tell me you have a free pass.
Not anymore.
Kim Jong Il is dead.
All right, great practice, guys.
Quick to the puck, good hustle.
Now, have a seat.
Let's do a little chalk talk.
Yeah, chalk talk! Seat time! Come on! Um, coach, my mother said that there would be doughnuts after every rehearsal.
It's called practice, Howie.
I'm just saying, that was a lot of exercise, and I really could use a little something.
Sit down, Howie.
Hey, coach, how's the team looking this year? Oh, we've got a great bunch of kids.
Lots of spirit, good attitude.
We're gonna have a great season.
I don't see a lot of indigenous ice skaters there, if you get my drift.
Well, uh, we could use a Canadian or two, but Quan, that little Vietnamese kid, he's quick.
Oh, yeah, they can run when they have to.
Hey, coach, I need your team roster.
I'm just filling that out now, Lyle.
Listen, I'm running the entire peewee hockey league, so if you don't mind, I prefer you call me commissioner, or "commish" if you like an easy-bantering relationship.
I don't.
Okay.
Hey, uh, wait a minute, you you didn't cut anyone.
That's right any kid in this neighborhood who wants to play hockey gets to on this team.
Oh, so the Sullivan & Son loser tradition lives on, huh? No, it's a winning tradition of playing to have fun and giving it your all.
My God, d do you listen yourself? Oh, hey, fellas.
Hey, Lyle.
Wow, you got the entire mount rushmore of loserdom here, huh? I can't remember when we were kids, did you guys ever win a game? Yeah, we we chalked one up.
You don't mean that game, do you? Y you know there's a memorial plaque by the highway.
Oh, hey, one more thing.
I almost forgot.
This year, we decided to get rid of the pussy rule.
The what? You know, when a team's six goals ahead and we stop keeping score so the pussies who are losing stop crying.
You know, the pussy rule.
I believe that's called the mercy rule.
Of course you'd know what it was called.
It was invented because you guys lost so bad that one time when we were kids.
Whose team were you playing? I can't re Oh, yeah, mine.
Do you remember what the score was? It was 6-0.
No, pussy! It was 36-0! Yeah, but officially in the books, it was 6-0.
That's only because you guys whined and cried and moaned so bad, everybody felt sorry for you, so they invented a rule so you losers would feel better.
Do you guys know you started an entire movement? Every kids' league in America has that rule now.
You guys helped pussify an entire country.
Lyle, that was ages ago.
Nobody even remembers it.
I dream about it every night.
I play that game over and over again in my head.
That's why I haven't been able to love.
Check the schedule, Sullivan.
In two weeks, our teams are playing each other.
And without that rule there to protect you, the whole world is gonna know how badly we kick your ass.
Look, I don't care about our history.
I care about the kids.
And I'm gonna teach them teamwork, skills, and to have fun.
Where do you get this crap? The point of coaching children at any age is to teach them that winning is everything, losing is unacceptable, and the sweetest sound they can hear is their opponents crying for mercy as their tiny 8-year-old spirits are breaking.
Oh, my God.
I think I found him.
Found who? My free pass! That is one beautiful piece of nasty.
Excuse me! Oh, come on, Jack.
It's been two days.
Are you still upset about my free pass with Lyle? I'm okay about you and Heather Locklear.
That's different.
She's a television sensation.
I have zero chance with her.
How do you know? Maybe she comes to Pittsburgh, has a small stroke, you remind her of her grandfather, and with all the medication, she accidentally lets you touch her.
The point is, that is not how the rule works.
A free pass is a free pass.
Yeah, but what makes it fun is that it could never happen! I thought what makes it fun is you're allowed to get a piece of strange.
Okay, guys, okay.
Tough first game of the season, but it could have been a lot worse.
We'll get them next week.
Now go get some doughnuts, and assistant coach Owen's gonna start the postgame chat.
All right, guys, we just got to work on a few things, like offense, defense, and how to get out of the penalty box without injuring ourselves.
I didn't know the door swings in, but my nuts do.
Oh.
Oh! Sorry.
No, no! Don't be sorry.
Oh! Is that old spice? No, it's, uh, Kit Kat.
Steve, sorry to barge in here like this, but as the commish, I got to check on something.
Somebody submitted a score card that said the Sullivan & Son Bombers lost 17-0.
I mean, that's got to be wrong, or you'd be hanging by your neck from that rafter up there out of shame, wouldn't you? Lyle, are you here for a reason? Well, let's see, made fun of you for losing, urged you towards suicide Oh, one last thing next week on the ice, when our teams play, your team's dead.
Well, don't bet on it, Lyle.
My team is motivated to come back strong.
Yeah, they they look real motivated sitting there eating doughnuts.
Meanwhile, my boys are doing wind sprints in the rain.
You guys lost? No, we won, but their trash talk was a little phoned in.
Congratulations, Sullivan.
You're coaching a team of happy losers.
Hey, they're not happy.
Hey, fellas, are you happy about what happened today? What happened today? That's Howie.
Every team has one.
Mine doesn't.
We get rid of them.
- How? - I'm the commish.
I can make people disappear.
Well, any kid that wants to play should be able to.
I know what you think of me, Sullivan that I yell at the boys too much and I scream at them, that I tell them they're worthless, that I'm borderline abusive.
Why am I so sweaty? Listen up what I did to you guys when we were kids, my boys are gonna do to yours on Saturday.
I don't think so.
Oh, yeah, it's the circle of life.
It's all coming around again.
Our boys are primed and ready.
Please, look at them.
Which one of those little boys is gonna be the tow-truck driver? Which one's gonna be the unemployed slow kid? Hey.
That's what I love about this town! Nothing ever changes.
See you next week.
We got to kick that guy's ass.
There's no way I'm gonna let this happen again.
How are we gonna do that? We're coming off a 17-0 loss.
We've got to toughen them up.
Hey, guys, why are we celebrating? We just got our butts kicked.
What's the difference? We still get doughnuts.
Yeah, but it's time to get serious.
We have to talk about what we need to work on.
You guys want to get better, right? Why? My mother says I'm perfect the way I am.
Well, nobody's perfect.
My daddy says I'm a snowflake.
And I'm a special boy like no other.
That's what both my moms say.
Guys, listen up.
We got a big game next week, and we really need to win.
But you said it doesn't matter who wins.
It's just about having fun.
Yeah? Well, that was bullshit.
We need to kick ass.
Howie, put down the doughnuts.
Doughnuts are for winners.
That was not in the brochure.
Winning matters! The only way we're gonna win is to work hard and want it more than anybody else! What does it take to be a winner? Drive.
Intensity.
Concentration.
And most importantly, a killer instinct.
Those are all important.
Just remember them in a different order.
Coach, can I see you for a moment? Sure, sure.
Pretty tough, huh, dad? I don't know, coach.
Think you're going a little overboard? You think these boys are having any fun? Hey, we got a big game Saturday.
We got to win.
Who's got to win? Them or you? You know what's going to get those boys into game shape? Painting a three-bedroom, two-bath house.
No, Hank.
How about cleaning out a basement filled with memories I can't face? Come on, what are you pansy-asses doing out there?! How about we stop ice dancing and start body checking?! Did somebody take a suck pill this morning?! 'Cause that's what I'm seeing out there big-time suckage! Oh, that's it, Bobby! Don't you help him up! I want to see everybody doing that Delivering pain, am I right? Hey, coach, when are you gonna use my son? Mom! You're embarrassing me.
Guys, Quan's open! Pass to Quan! Pass to Quan! Shoot, Quan, shoot! Goal! Yes! That's what I'm talking about! All you guys listen to me! I want you all to die! I'm serious this time! What's the score, boys? Well, as long as our kids are doing their best.
No, Jack, we're winning! What? We're up 3-0.
Holy crap! We never won before! Steve, we're winning! No, we haven't won anything yet.
We got to stay sharp, guys.
One mistake could change everything one mistake.
Coach, I haven't played yet.
Can I go in? That would be one big mistake.
Hey, hey, hey! Way to get open, Quan.
You came out of nowhere.
They're always doing that.
That's how we lost the corporal and the kid from Iowa.
I don't know how many times I told them, "whatever you do, don't kick the banana leaves!" Okay, guys, okay, listen, this is a tight game.
Don't blow it.
But, coach, we're up 3-0.
That's loser talk.
A three-goal lead is the most dangerous lead in hockey.
Wow, I've never seen Steve act like this.
I love it! Go, mean Steve! hey, check this out, Lyle.
Here's my three-goal-lead dance.
Hey, Lyle, this is my 6-0 dance.
Dance it up, Sullivan.
A six-goal lead is the most dangerous lead in hockey.
What's that, Lyle? Is someone begging for the mercy rule? Oh, is the skate on the other foot now? Huh? Hey, coach, make sure your defenseman clears the crease so your goalie's not screened.
Well, what do you know, slick guy with stubble? I'm Timmy's Uncle number 30.
I'm also the goalie for the Buffalo Sabres.
Ryan Miller.
Pipe down, hot shot.
This is peewee hockey.
It's a little more challenging than the NHL.
Hey, coach, when are you gonna play my kid?! Hey, is that your mom? Yeah.
She's hot.
Tell me about it.
She's giving me a zamboner.
Hey, that's my mom you're talking about.
Keep skating, Quan! It's not your blood! Steve, they're just kids.
Aren't you being a little mean? Melanie, the only time I want to hear from you is when one of my kids gets hurt.
Like now.
Go.
Sorry we're late.
What are we losing by? The score is 6-0.
Well, let's face it, our kids suck.
We're winning! Oh, no! I promised my kid a car.
Hey, coach, can I play now? Now, Howie.
Sit tight.
Hey, it's just a baby tooth, Charlie.
Swallow it! I got to hand it to you, Sullivan, I didn't think you had it in you.
You're more me than me.
Hey, I'm nothing like you.
Oh, really? What ever happened to, "everybody plays"? Every kid's gonna play.
What about the kid who doesn't know he's gay yet? I haven't seen him take the ice.
Mind your own bench.
I get it.
You're doing what I do making the problems go away by ignoring them.
Congratulations, you're a coach now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going? Well, if I'm not going to play, I might as well go.
What? I'm the worst player on this team, and I don't deserve to play.
And, let's be honest, coach, you want me gone.
No.
No.
Howie, put your helmet on.
You're playing.
Steve! What are you doing?! I can't believe it.
I became the one thing I swore I wouldn't be a rotten coach.
That kid doesn't want to play hockey.
He'd rather be in the theater.
Dad, I don't want to win like that.
Howie, you get out there and you play your heart out, all right? - I will.
- All right! - Thanks, coach.
- Yeah! Show them! Get out there.
Easy! Don't crush the chips in my pocket.
Yeah! 6-4! We're coming back! Like my comeback dance? Kiss this, Sullivan! Shake that money-maker! Steve, you made your point.
Pull the kid out.
Come on, Steve.
He's letting goals go left and right.
Every kid plays.
You're right, Sullivan, 'cause losing's great for kids.
You know, Lyle, I almost became a coach like you.
I almost treated my players with humiliation and anger, but I'm not gonna be that guy.
I'm gonna be a supportive, positive, and nurturing coach.
Howie, get your ass out of the game! Time out! Time out! Protect the lead.
Clear the puck.
Now, Howie, if you want to skate the last 20 seconds, just say the word.
It's entirely up to you.
I want to play.
Again, it's very close.
That's okay, coach.
I get it.
You were nice to put me in, but I was right the first time.
I don't belong on this team.
No, you listen to me.
You belong on this team.
Every one of you belongs on this team.
Each one of you guys has something special to give.
Really? What do I have to give? You're big! You're the biggest guy on our team.
Second-biggest guy on our team.
Now, do you see number 13, the kid that's been skating around, scoring all the goals? He's gonna continue to do that unless one of you guys takes him out.
So maybe we need the biggest guy on our team to knock him on his butt as hard as he can.
- Can you do that, Howie? - I can do that.
Then you go out there, and you it.
Game faces, fellas! All right! Good hustle, boys! Good hustle! Defense.
Defense.
Oh, no, he's got the puck! Now, Howie! Now! Good God.
Look at the big kid.
He's skating on his ankles, but he's getting there.
We won! We actually won a game! We beat Lyle! We beat him! Men, it was a hard-fought game.
What do we say to the other team after a tough loss? We don't know, coach.
We never lost.
Let me show you.
You still suck! You're a bunch of jagoffs! Okay, pizza for the winners! All right, careful.
It's hot.
It's not the only thing that's hot.
Well, that is adorable, but I am old enough to be your moth nutritionist.
Oh, not for me.
You're one of my moms' free passes.
This one's a pepperoni, so yum.
What do you want, Lyle? Just hear me out, Sullivan.
Uh, somebody had one of those camera phones at the game today, and I saw video of my behavior.
For the first time, I saw myself as others see me Rude, belligerent, out of control Sexy.
But I I didn't like what I saw.
You know, the kids you coach liked you more when you were losing than mine ever did me when we were winning.
So I want to apologize, and not just for today, but for 20 years ago when we beat you 6-0.
Well, uh, to be honest, Lyle, I got a little out of hand, myself.
Let's, uh let's promise each other we'll both keep it in check next time.
Deal.
Excuse me.
Mister, would you like a piece of pizza? It is mister, right? I only ask because you look like one of my moms.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks, kid.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're nice guy now? Well, I'm gonna try to be.
So no more yelling, no more throwing things, no more telling the kids to die? No, I I'm done with that.
Then I'm-a done with you.
That's the problem with eye candy.
They talk too much.
See you soon, Sullivan, and, uh, next time I see you on the ice, I'll be a nice guy.
Me, too, commish.
You're not really serious about that, are you? Hell, no.
You know what's gonna make these boys feel good about themselves? Winning a championship! Yeah! Yeah, pizza time's over! Two laps around the block! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, guys! Wait, me, too, coach? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You're my enforcer.
I need you big.