Superstore (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Guns, Pills and Birds

1 Gabby is in soft lines, Elias, grocery, Jonah, you're at the gun counter.
Oh, uh oh.
[Shudders] Can I switch with somebody? I just I don't really believe in guns.
I mean, I'm just kind of against selling them or buying them or owning them.
- You don't have a gun? - No, what do I need a gun for? Home security.
Hunting.
I mean, without guns, how are you gonna properly start a drag race? [mimics cocking gun] Vaya con dios, amigos.
Without a gun, I do not know how I would stop that raccoon from trying to impregnate my Winnie the Pooh lawn ornament.
Okay, look, I'm not I'm not, like, against weapons as a whole.
I fenced in college, but there's - [laughing] Okay.
- What? - What are you doing? - Oh, I'm keeping a list of all the crazy white-person stuff you say.
Oh, fencing, that's definitely going on there.
- What else is on there.
- Oh, it's long.
I got wearing boat shoes, BBC America, makes his own trail mix - You love my trail mix.
- All right, okay.
It's fine.
Jonah, you can trade with Wait, wait, wait.
We can just say no to a shift assignment? Because I would rather not be in the fitting rooms.
They're basically just fart capsules.
Can I not be in menswear? Everything there reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Brian.
No, guys, what Jonah is asking for is different.
He has a moral objection to guns.
I'd be in the same position if the store asked us to start selling, you know, hashish or the morning-after pill.
We sell the morning-after pill.
What? I don't wanna sell rice anymore.
It doesn't taste like anything.
And Oriental All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
No changing shift assignments.
Okay, I get that we don't like selling guns or pills or rice, but we sell all those things in the store.
End of story.
Jonah, you stay on guns.
Okay, fine, but I want my objection noted.
[snickers] Oh, that whole phrase is going on the list.
[upbeat music] [crow caws] Oh, so I get put on Instruments of Death duty and you get picking up pizzas.
Adam's taking Emma on a Girl Scouts camping trip, and I have the whole weekend to myself.
And you know what? There is nothing cooler than spending two days at home alone with 12 French bread pizzas.
I'm not gonna eat all of them - Okay, good.
- But what if I burn one, Jonah? Or what if there's a manufacturer's cheese error? Does that happen? I've worked two doubles in a row this week.
- I need my pizzas to be perfect.
- I get it.
Just me, the couch, some Cloud 9 brand wine A Neuage Neuf classique, of course.
And some amazing movies.
Oh, there's a Danish drama on Netflix that [mimics buzzer] Wrong answer.
I'm thinking mid-'90s Rom-come, like Freddie Prinze Jr.
takes the nerd to the prom because underneath those glasses, she's really beautiful, Jonah.
She's beautiful.
It sounds like you got the whole thing figured out, and you deserve it, so you go off and have fun.
But I'm just gonna throw this out there, Garrett and I are gonna watch some basketball later - [mimics buzzer] - You want to be alone.
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
- Got it.
Have fun.
I'm free.
Oh.
Cool.
Attention, shoppers, there's a 40% off sale in our exercise gear section, which will be closing next week due to lack of interest.
Over in patio furniture, we're gonna have ahh! Ahh! [clears throat] Uh my bad, y'all.
That reaction was very out of character for me.
I'm normally a very cool guy.
I have a lot of cool sneakers and a very active sex life.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey! Um, I'd like that 9-millimeter and a box of bullets, please.
Yes, got it.
You wanted the 9-millimeter.
And a box of bullets.
Coming right up.
I'm gonna go ahead and grab that for you.
Just gonna grab it from right That's the one.
Yeah, this is yeah, no, I[laughs] It's coming ooh, wow.
Ooh, that's that's heavy.
[chuckles] This feels like like an 11-millimeter, am I right? The bullets, yep.
Uh just the 9-millimeter [bullets clattering] Ahh! Gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun! Gun, gun, gun! [clears throat] All clear.
All clear.
Hey, uh, Tate, is it true we sell the morning-after pill? We definitely have the morning-after pill.
Yeah, right over there.
Oh.
Wow.
- So prominent.
- Yeah.
Listen, Tate, I would never ask you to sell something that you were not comfortable with, so if you wanna remove them from the pharmacy, I will support you.
Are you kidding? I love the morning-after pill.
I have to keep a couple boxes at timeshare in Tampa.
- Tampa? - Oh, yeah.
Women love it there.
You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a sick place.
It's only, like, 12 miles from the beach.
Okay, but between us, could you just find a reason to take them off the shelf? You know, um maybe say that they're, like, expired? That would be a lie.
Tate, do you believe in God? - Yeah, I think there's a god.
- Yeah? But I think he lives in nature.
You know, the rocks and trees and crap like that.
Honestly, I think God could be a frog.
Oh, brother.
So what are we talking? Rook? Western jackdaw? Thick-billed? I don't know.
It was a crow.
Who cares what kind? Um, we care.
Because it we're gonna kill it We're not gonna kill it.
We're gonna get it out of the store safely.
Right.
Obviously.
Priority one is safety.
Forget safety I say we pull the fire alarm, clear out the store, turn up the heat, make the whole place a oven, problem solved.
Whoa, easy, that's a little violent.
Yeah, psycho, why would anyone want to hurt a bird? Okay, A: 'cause they're dirty flying dinosaurs.
And B: You don't need any other reasons.
No one is hurting the crow.
They are amazing creatures that recognize human face and they throw each other funerals.
Funerals.
Why would you give me that information? That doesn't calm me down! [light background music] [thud, crow caws] Excuse me, sir.
Um are are you talking to me? Oh, yeah.
You.
We would to buy one rifle, please.
Just the one rifle, please and thank you.
What what are you gonna hunt for? Uh, liars.
Elk.
Hunting elk.
Um if you could excuse me for one moment.
I'm just gonna sit in front of my television, and I'm gonna eat and drink whatever I want.
Mm-hmm, okay, well, what you're describing is every single day of my life.
- Really? - Uh, hey.
So there is someone over there that I really, really don't think should be allowed to own a gun, Um or a car or a fork.
What do I do? Well, I mean, you're allowed to deny him service but only if you think he's actually dangerous.
Okay, good.
How do I know that he's actually dangerous? Yeah, maybe no gun for him.
- Hey.
- HI.
Can I take a look at that bolt action rifle? Yes, you may.
All right, uh Oh, hey, this one is expensive.
It is.
But I really want to treat myself today.
- Yeah.
- I just got laid off.
Oh.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Yeah, I'm pretty upset about it.
How upset are you? Well, extremely.
I worked there over 20 years, and then they just get rid of me like I'm trash? Well, they're gonna regret it.
Service denied.
Service denied.
Excuse me? You just said you're upset and they were gonna regret it, so nope.
'Cause I'm the only one who understands the payroll software.
I mean, who's gonna do it now? Monica? Look, I'm sorry I'm being overly cautious, but you know what? Why don't we try and find you a better hobby than this, you know? Have you ever considered fencing? No.
Fencing sucks.
No, it doesn't.
All right, in order for this to work, it is critical that we run at the crow at exactly the same speed, 8 miles per hour, got it? - [crow caws] - Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Actually, I don't know how fast that is.
Sorry, sometimes I forget you're Asian.
13 kilometers per hour.
I still don't It's 240 steps a minute.
That doesn't mean anything to me.
Well, I don't know how to make it any clearer.
You're just saying just run pretty fast, right? "Pretty fast" is a relative term.
What's your resting heart rate? I have no idea.
God, we're gonna have to figure it out now.
Okay, take your pulse for ten seconds.
You're gonna multiply that number by six.
Dude, you know the bird flew away, like, a while ago, right? Thanks.
So just the morning-after pill? That would have been my guess.
My man.
All right.
[sighs] Okeydokey.
So a couple things you need to know about this bad boy.
Hey, Tate.
You want to see some pictures of my kids? No.
Gross.
I hate kids.
Wait till you see how cute they are.
Children are such a gift.
Oh.
How do I call up these pictures? All right, just give me a sec.
"Viewing photos.
Go to the home screen by tapping Menu button.
" I'm sorry.
We really need to get going.
Of course.
Glenn, would you just cut it out? Let them buy the damn pill.
Would you mind very much if I just cut in front of you? I am in a huge rush.
- Huge! - I guess.
Thank you.
[sighs] All right.
Yeah, hi, I'd like to buy all of your morning-after pills, please.
[chuckles drily] Big weekend.
Gonna get all liquored up and promiscuous.
I'm happy to try to clean it up, but the problem is, if I even think about vom [dry heaving] [burps] Oh.
[dry heaving] Okay, okay.
Okay.
I got it.
I'll clean it up.
- [dry heaving] - Oh, god.
- [retching] - [groans] [sighs] Three more hours.
Three more hours.
Three more hours.
[phone buzzing] Oh, hey, babe, what's up? Hey, please don't be mad, but Frank just got last-minute tickets to the entrepreneurs conference this weekend, and I know I said I would take Emma camping, but Yeah, that should do it.
All right, just dump that in the cart there.
Okay, that should draw her out.
How do you know it's a woman? I'm glad you asked, Mateo.
Birds don't have genitalia as we're familiar with.
They have internal penises called cloacas.
Okay.
And when they become very engorged [crow caws] [screaming] [crows cawing] [yelping] [sighs] Look, I'm gonna give it to you straight.
This is bad.
You know I'm just gonna order more of these, right? And I'll be standing right here, Cloud 9 credit union card in hand.
Okay.
Well, that comes to $1,127 and 54 cents.
What? That much? Yeah.
Well, each pill is over 40 bucks.
I'd explain why, but your brain couldn't handle the science.
No, no, I can't afford that.
I mean, well, with car payments and mortgage and groceries for 13, we're barely getting by.
Mm.
I'm gonna have to return these.
Mm.
No, you can't return pills.
- What? - Yeah.
That's illegal.
You could have tampered with them.
But you know I didn't.
I was here the whole time.
Were you? I know I said I could take Emma on the trip.
Yes, you did.
- Excuse me.
- Just one second.
Adam, I was really looking forward to this weekend.
I was gonna wear sweatpants and slippers and no bra.
Can you take a couple steps back? I promise, I will make it up to you, but could you please just let this one go? - [sighs] - Just this one time? [scoffs] Just this one time.
Fine.
Okay.
Look, I gotta go.
How can I help you, sir? I have a complaint about one of your salesmen.
But you said I have the right to refuse service to anybody I want.
Yes, technically you have the right, but you need to use some common sense.
If I was using common sense, I would take all of these guns and throw them out the door.
You know what I mean.
Look, I told you I wasn't comfortable working the gun counter.
Yeah, and I told you that you have to.
Ugh, god forbid you let something go for once in your life.
Why do I have to let it go? Why don't you let it go, Jonah? It's not my job to make every man in the world's life easier.
I'm not moving you.
Well, I'm not changing what I'm doing.
Ugh! Why is everybody being such a jerk today? [wings flap, poop splats] - I think the bird - Yeah.
I know.
[crows cawing] I just feel so bad about letting my moral priorities interfere with your buying choices, especially because for all I know, you might not even be planning on using the pill.
You know, maybe you're gonna use them as plates in a doll's house or drop 'em in a Diet Coke to see if they fizz up.
No, we had unprotected sex last night.
Okay, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! What I don't know can't hurt me or send me to hell.
[laughs feebly] Just kidding.
Um, so do you have cash? I'm sorry; I just have way too many concerns about your level of anger.
This is discrimination.
I'm gonna call the NRA about this.
Okay, well, you know, that you're getting so angry is only proving my point.
What is going on? Here's what's going on.
This entire place is a dictatorship, and it's being ruled over by Emperor Amy.
Oh, god, can you guys just act like adults and have an affair or something? What? No, shh! Listen.
If Amy wants me to run the gun counter, then Amy needs to understand that I get to decide who gets the guns.
And I'm gonna make those decisions fairly and with due diligence.
I'm sorry.
I just don't trust redheads.
[scoffs] Too fiery.
Congratulations on being sexually active.
I'm sorry? Okay, I know I probably can't talk you out of buying contraception, right? I mean, that's just not gonna happen.
I didn't ask for any assistance.
So if it's gonna happen no matter what, these are $50 each.
Okay, now, I'm not looking to make a profit.
That's the price I paid plus a small donation to the pro-life coalition.
You know? And We're all gonna die in here! Whoa, whoa! Okay, everybody calm down.
It's just an open carry protest.
Gun owners are just exercising their second amendment rights.
It's all perfectly legal.
Okay, but let's not let this little gun thing overshadow the real problem, which is the crows.
They are equally as dangerous.
Why are they here? Well, apparently Jonah was denying service to everybody who wanted to buy a gun, so Oh, what a D bag.
I shouldn't have been there in the first place, okay? Technically, this is Amy's fault.
What? Amy, can you just move Jonah? No, he doesn't get to win.
Ugh.
Why are you being like this? "Like this.
" What is "like this"? I'm doing my job.
Oh, my god, just bang already.
That's what I been saying.
Gross.
- Eww.
- Okay, okay.
We're all feeling emotional, but we're gonna get through this safely together.
And then we can go home to our loved ones.
Oh, and if you're planning on having sex with them tonight, come see me.
All right, meeting dismissed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up.
What about this crow emergency, y'all? Hold up.
Hey, guys, we gotta do something.
They got the same brain-to-body ratio as humans.
A group of 'em's called a murder! Judy! Judy! [soothing music plays softly] [chuckles] [crows cawing] Attention, shoppers.
Attention.
I need everyone in the store to be completely silent as I will be making some noises that replicate the calls of the crows' natural enemies.
This will drive them out of the store.
Thank you.
[clears throat] Koo-wik ka! [mimics flapping] [mimics bird cawing] Whip-poor-will, will, will, will, will, will, will.
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! [mimics bird trilling] [mimics cawing] [crows caw] [mimics hooting] [crows cawing] [gasps] [zipper zipping] [crow caws] Oh! Oh, [bleep]! There's a crow in the mother[bleep] tent! [bleep] you, crow! [Bleep]! [The Supremes' "Baby Love" playing] Today is a great day for the second amendment.
All: Yeah! I'm proud to see so many of us came out here to protest the despicable actions of that short-haired lady over there who infringed on our rights today.
She can't take us away from our guns.
All: Yeah! Okay, all right, all right.
First of all, I'm a man, but thank you.
Second of all, what about my first amendment right, huh? The right to an opinion.
I can say whatever I want to say.
Well, I don't gotta listen to it.
Blah-bitty blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Will everybody please just shut up! You sound like children.
Okay? Look.
We can't all We can't hear you.
[clears throat] - We can't all - Get up high.
[crowd murmurs indistinctly] Look.
We can't all just do whatever we want whenever we want to.
You don't want to sell guns, it's your job.
Be a grown-up.
And you! Someone pisses you off so you have to flash a rifle to prove a point? Come on, man.
Just be a grown-up.
Look.
I wanted to spend the weekend eating pizza and watching Freddie Prinze Jr.
Isn't he dead? What? I don't think so.
No, I'm, like, 70% sure he's alive.
Okay, that's beside the point.
The point is that I don't get to do that because my husband got tickets to a conference.
But I'm an adult.
So you don't see me throwing a fit about it.
Isn't that kind of what you're doing now? Okay, while we're talking about stuff, sexuality and morality: Two alaties with [crow caws] - [guns cocking] - Watch it! - Hold your fire! - [Crow caws] Nobody hurt the bird! [gasping] [paper rustling] [chuckles] You all right.
[Chuckles] I'm sorry your weekend got ruined.
It's fine.
These things happen.
You know, I'm gonna just go ahead and work the gun counter.
You were right.
I was I was being a jerk.
Really? Wow.
Thank you, Jonah.
No problem.
[chuckles] Wait a second.
Are you agreeing with me because I'm right or because you feel sorry for me? Because you're right.
Why would I feel sorry for such a strong, fierce woman, you know? Get it, girl.
You feel sorry for me.
I no.
I don't.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't need anybody's pity.
Don't work the gun counter.
No, it's fine.
I'm working the gun counter.
I just said you're not work the gun counter.
But I'm putting me on guns.
- Here I go.
- No, I'm stopping you.
Well, you can't stop me, so Yes, I can stop you.
I just gave you an order, and I'm your supervisor.
You're not I refuse your order.
- Yes, I am your supervisor.
- What are you He calls shrimps "prawns.
" Spent his Sunday walking to a farmers' market.
He's been to, like, all the renaissance fairs.
Referred to the day he ate a hamburger as a cheat day.
- [bag rustles] - Gotcha! [crow caws] Stop it.
- Okay.
Whew! - Okay, okay.
Take care of this, will you? [crow cawing] [sighs] - Want me to take care of it? - Yeah.
All right.
See, I told you we could get the bird out of the store safely.
Well, I gotta say, I was wrong.
No reason to hurt that little thing.
They're smart animals.
They deserve kindness.
And you treated it humanely.
And I gotta respect that.
Well, I just treat them how I would want to be treated.
You know? [Sighs] All right, let's go release this little sweetheart.
But Dina, I have something to tell you! Hello, ma'am.
You look sexual; Could I Sir, do you have unprotected sex? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Bag of blood.
It's a bag of blood! Oh, you monster.