Talking Comedy s01e02 Episode Script
Peter Sellers
1 The New York Times once called Peter Sellers, "Britain's Prime Minister of Mirth.
" Spike Milligan said, "He'd be Britain's greatest actor, "if someone would only let him act.
" An unusually-gifted comic and impressionist, Sellers' extraordinary talents saw him move from radio star of the 1950s to international film star of the '60s.
From The Goon Show's Bluebottle, to Hollywood's Pink Panther, at every stage of his career, he excelled in funny voices and flights of fancy and, as he demonstrates here, he never got tired of fooling around.
GERMAN ACCENT: Kindly observe, ladies and gentlemen, that the handkerchief, there is nothing in it, ja? No? Look.
My head is in ze handkerchief.
LAUGHTER My head has gone! LAUGHTER After that little trick came an anecdote stemming from Sellers' experiences working as a drummer.
It's a very dreary business, being a drummer or any musician doing gigs, really, round the country Right.
or in one set place, because you get a lot of Hooray Harrys who come up to you and ask you for songs, to play songs for them.
I mean, a typical musician's story - and this is probably true, it's probably based on fact - is about a fellow who came up to a very well-known friend of ours, Alan Clare, the pianist.
Marvellous pianist, yeah.
and said, POSH VOICE: "I say, would you play That's What You Are?" So, Alan said, "I'm sorry, "I don't know That's What You Are, I haven't "I'll have a look through the book.
" So he had a look through the book quickly and this chap was, sort of, dancing around, you know Terribly like that and he came back and he said, "I say, there's a drinky-poo in it for you, you know.
" LAUGHTER And he came back and he said, "Piano player, piano player, "and kettle drummer," I was known as the kettle drummer.
I don't know why - you never used to play a kettle, but it comes from timpani, you see.
He said, "Aren't you going to play That's What You Are? Alan said, "I'd love to play That's What You Are, "but I don't know how it goes.
" He said, "Good God," he said, "What is the country coming to? "I never thought I'd reach the day "when somebody didn't know That's What You Are.
" He said, "Well, if you sing it, I'll try.
" He said, "It goes like this" Unforgettable LAUGHTER That's what you are And then, Sellers told of how he began his career by tricking his way in to the BBC.
I was getting nowhere fast, you know, and I noticed that Roy Speer was doing a show at the time called Show Time, yes, and the compere was Dick Bentley and there were lots of new acts, you see? I'd written in, I don't know how many times, to try and get on, no reply, the secretary said, "Mr Speer, blah-blah-blah" I thought, I've got nothing to lose, I thought, well, I'll phone up 'Cause I used to be doing these impersonations and one of the big shows was Much Binding In The Marsh, with Kenneth Horne and Dickie Murdoch Right, right.
and I just thought I'd do it, you know.
You do things at certain times, you know, in life - you've got to get ahead So, I thought, "If I stay here, I'm dead," you know? Even if he kicks my arse out of there, it doesn't matter, as long as I make some impression.
Right.
So, I phoned up and I thought being a senior producer, Speer would probably know Horne and Murdoch, you see, who were very big then.
Mmm.
I thought, "If I click with the secretary, "I'll get through," right? So, I said, DEEP VOICE: "Oh, hello.
This is Ken Horne here.
Is Roy there?" Now, once she said, "Oh, yes, he is, Kenneth.
I'll" I knew I was right - shu-lah-bah-lum.
So, got on there and Roy said, "Hello, Ken, how are you?" I said, "Listen, Roy, I'm phoning up because I know that new show "you've got on - what is it, Show Time or something "Dickie and I were at a cabaret the other night, "saw an amazing young fellow called Peter, Peter "What was his name?" HIGH VOICE: "Peter Sellers, Peter Sellers or something" "Sellers, Sellers.
Anyway, I think it would be very good "if you probably had him in the show, you know.
"Just a little tip, little tip.
We just go round looking, you know.
" He said, "Well, that's very nice of you.
" And then it came to the crunch and I said, "Er "I It's me.
" He said, "What?" I said, "It's me, Peter Sellers talking and it's the only way I could get to you "and would you give me a date on your show?" And he said, "You cheeky young sod," he said.
LAUGHTER He said, "What do you do?" I said, "Well, I obviously do impersonations, don't I?" LAUGHTER I was 22 at the time.
Yeah.
Erm Sorry, go on.
Sorry.
And anyway, I went up there and I got a date on the spot and I got a good write-up, first write-up I've ever had in my life, you know.
Yeah.
It's really nice.
In the 1960s, Swinging London was the most fashionable place on the planet and Peter Sellers was one of the many big names in show business making the most of the fact.
For those golden years, Sellers was to comedy what James Bond was to cinema and The Beatles were to music.
And speaking of the Fab Four, here's Sellers' unique take on them, with a nod to Laurence Olivier's interpretation of Richard III.
COURTLY MUSIC It has been a hard day's night and I have been working like a dog.
It's been a hard day's night, I'll soon be sleeping like a log, but when I get home to you, I find the things that YOU do will make me feel all right.
You know, I work all day, to get you money, to buy you things and it's worth it just to hear you say, you'll give me everything.
That's why I love to come home, 'cause when I get you alone, you know I feel OK.
LAUGHTER A recording of that performance made the Top 20 in the UK charts - a testament to Sellers' wide appeal.
People loved seeing him immerse himself in characters like I'm All Right Jack's Fred Kite and Dr Strangelove.
Famously, Sellers would say that he wouldn't know what to do, if asked to play himself.
"There is no me," he said.
"I do not exist.
"There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed.
" I'm not the real Peter Sellers.
I am, in fact, erm, a mock-up, a plastic mock-up.
I'm beginning to think that increasingly every day, as I look at myself in what I laughingly call the mirror.
It is another copy of myself that I leave at home to do the housework, because I can't get any servants.
Coronation Street.
Is it Coronation Street? No, this is called The Life And Times Of Peter Sellers, or something like that.
Oh, him.
Him? Yes.
The only problem is that we can't find him.
I've tried looking around all over the place.
That microphone moved then.
That wouldn't be him, would it? Down there.
That big one down there.
Just a moment, I'm not sure.
Come on out of there! We know you're in there! No, no, no.
He's not in there, no.
That's, erm, stretching it a bit far for him.
You think so? I mean, in the nicest possible way.
Oh, shit! HE CHUCKLES Hiding away was the last thing Peter was doing in the mid '60s.
Marrying Swedish actress Britt Ekland ten days after meeting her had him plastered over the front pages of the newspapers.
He also found the character that would become his most celebrated - Inspector Clouseau.
Clouseau was a character who famously got everything wrong, but when making the Pink Panther films, directed by Blake Edwards, it was Sellers and the cast who struggled to get things right, as some clips shown by Michael Parkinson clearly demonstrated.
I put it to you directly, Monsieur Ballon, that it was you who murdered Miguel Ostos.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh AUDIENCE LAUGHS I dropped that thing again, I'm sorry.
Look, erm GEORGE MUMBLES SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER I didn't like AUDIENCE LAUGHS SOFT KNOCKING AT DOOR Right AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS And I submit, Monsieur Ballon, that you arrived home, found Maria Gambrelli with Miguel Ostos, and filled him in a rit of fealous jage.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS LOUD FOOTSTEPS Inspector! It was the THEY LAUGH Inspector! This way.
Very interesting museum you have here.
Inspector! Yes? Oh.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Would you think it naughty of me if I were to buy you a drink? You already have.
Yes.
Heh-heh.
Well, how about I buy myself one and we share it together, eh? All right.
Heh-heh.
Waiter! HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS Another coo AUDIENCE LAUGHS Waiter! Hoo-hoo.
LAUGHTER HE MUMBLES I have fixed your doorbell from the AUDIENCE LAUGHS MAN: How can you be sure? Because I am an expert and trouble shitter UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER If you require anything Monsieur, all I require is a little privacy in which to work, my bag of tools.
Anything HE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS It is my business to know.
He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious No.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE INAUDIBLE They are funny, aren't they? It's amazing, actually, when you watch them.
Blake Edwards has got about 200,000 feet of you doing that.
It's amazing you ever finish a film with him.
We always have two weeks extra for laughs, you know.
For giggling? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's great working with Blake.
It's fantastic.
Yeah.
The Inspector Clouseau character comes up again in this appearance on the live discussion programme, Film Night, which begins with some trademark fooling about.
Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Sellers.
APPLAUSE CHEERING PETER MUMBLES Yes AUDIENCE LAUGHS HE TRUMPETS Ah.
Hello, hello, testing, testing, one, two, three, four.
That's all right, yeah.
HE BLOWS INTO MIC Hello? That's all right, yeah.
Is it working all right? Yes, it's working now, yes.
Hello, hello.
Yes.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA HE AFFECTS RP ACCENT: Well, I must say that I liked it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE HE AFFECTS EXAGGERATED RP ACCENT: I found its comedy intrinsically funny.
LAUGHTER The cutting, I think, from the grandfather's rather prominent member to the brush on the wall.
It's quite exquisitely I do really think the HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH Well, then, we seem to be divided only on a minor points.
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
Erm Let's press on to the book we have all been reading.
HE CLEAR HIS THROA And I thought by separating them at the beginning that this was the sort of thing I'd prevent.
LAUGHTER Now, I'd like to ask Peter Sellers first if he remembers an occasion He really doesn't know about this.
In 1951 Because I found a report in The Times in 1951 - I swear this is true - about a new variety bill at the Prince of Wales and "Mr Peter Sellers", as they say, "was in company with Nino, "the little dog who trots about the stage "on enormous inflated rubber balls.
" AUDIENCE LAUGHS Now, the question I want to ask Mr Sellers is, does he remember anything about that fantastic dog? Yes.
Somebody pricked one of the balls, I remember and the dog went HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES AUDIENCE LAUGHS I used to do impersonations in those days, or impressions, yes.
Tommy Handley, lots of people, you know.
Those ones.
I didn't used to do Alec Guinness I beg your pardon.
Um These days, you know, party things, I trot one I trot a few out of those well-known stars of stage, screen and Labour Exchange.
And, um One of my ones is of Alec Guinness.
I do that one quite often, especially one speech from Kind Hearts And Coronets, when he was showing Dennis Price around the old church.
He said, "My west window "has all the elegance of Chaucer "with none of the concomitant crudities of the period.
" LAUGHTER Thank you.
APPLAUSE Which film did you most enjoy doing, Peter Sellers? And is it now, looking back, the same film? Well, I enjoyed playing very much, I enjoyed very much playing Clare Quilty in Lolita uma long way back now.
Just the first five minutes of that film, I enjoyed very much.
I like to do I like that.
I think it looks good when you watch it on the screen.
Dr Strangelove was a fascinating experience, again with Stanley Kubrick.
Erm Trying to find out what made Dr Strangelove tick over and why he wore a black glove, and why one hand was a Nazi and the other hand wasn't.
And the way we got to that is a whole interesting story.
Ah.
Ahthose were the days.
LAUGHTER They don't write hands like that any more.
LAUGHTER Uh And I think I will always like, you know, the memory of playing Inspector Clouseau.
Clouseau is a special, sort of, character.
There are people like Clouseau around all over the world.
He's the sort of man with great in-built dignity, you see, great, great dignity.
He's an idiot, but he knows that, but he wouldn't let anyone else know that, you see.
He's very, very keen.
So if something goes wrong, you see, if he falls over, or something awful happens, he immediately suspect that someone said, "Bleeding idiot.
" But, you see, he wouldn't let that disturb him.
He'd say, "What was that? What is that you say? What was that?" And someone, you know, some shlapper, would say, "Nothing, sir.
" He'd say, "Yes, of course, nothing.
Yes, yes.
" Like if there's a phone call and they say, "There's a phone call for you, Inspector.
He'd say, "Ah, that will be for me.
" Because, you know LAUGHTER he wants to be one-up all the time, you see.
An awful lot of people like that about, you see.
Clouseau took Sellers to a whole new level of fame and earned him a Golden Globe nomination in America.
But international stardom didn't mean leaving old colleagues behind.
Here he is, joining his fellow Goon, Harry Secombe, for a 1972 appearance on Parkinson and showing, again, that he knew how to make a big entrance.
APPLAUSE SLOW GUITAR VERSION OF RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES PLAYS THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH LAUGHTER PETER KNOCKS HIS MIC Wargh! HARRY CHORTLES PETER "DOOF DOOFs" There's a lot of machines here.
It is Peter Sellers, isn't it? Yes.
Yes.
Mm.
Do you? I only dress up like this during the mating pogrom.
LAUGHTER MICHAEL CHORTLES I, in Deutschland, threw a What did you? I'm a yankee doodle da LAUGHTER Where did you get that hat from, Peter? That's a real This is an This is a real German hel PETER CHORTLES What is all that lot down there? Oh, just some little extras we have down there.
Oh-ho.
Hello.
HARRY CHORTLES I just saw it.
I saw it.
I saw it, I saw it I did a film in Guernsey and we were working underground in an actual German hospital and I found this.
It was all rusting away in the corner HE AFFECTS GERMAN ACCENT: But you know what really the truth about this whole thing? I am sick of this business about Churchill.
The young Churchill, the old Churchill LAUGHTER the weak Churchill, the thin Churchill, the fat Churchill.
Why doesn't say the truth about Churchill? Not many people know or listen.
A painter? His rotten paintings.
Rotten.
LAUGHTER Hitler, there was a painter for you.
LAUGHTER He'd paint an entire apartment.
Two coats, one afternoon.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You are listening to this one, now you are getting the truth.
Hitler had more hair than Churchill, he told funnier jokes than Churchill LAUGHTER And he could dance the pants off old Churchill.
LAUGHTER Churchill couldn't even say Nazi.
He was like, "Nah.
Nah.
" That is my favourite bit of dialogue from, um - and a plug for good old Mel Brooks and The Producers - Springtime For Hitler And Germany.
I Can I take this off? Yeah, please do, Peter.
I hope I don't take my head with it.
PETER SPEAKS GIBBERISH Let's have a look at this for a moment.
Now thinly disguised as Paul McCartney.
I share your admiration for that film.
It's a great film.
Very underrated.
I don't know why people didn't push it.
Yeah.
Why they didn't push it is what's wrong with the movie industry.
Absolutely right.
I might talk a bit more about that later.
Yeah.
It occurs to me that the art of impersonation is sort of LAUGHTER it's carrying it through, isn't it? It's going out there and carrying through with it, no matter what.
Have you ever chickened out of one, Peter, at any time? Have you ever gone halfway through with one and then? On what? On an impersonation.
You're going down the street in disguise and suddenly thought, well Well, I went out with Milligan the other night.
Milligan gets down a bit, as you well know, as his favourite friend here.
He has, er barneys with a certain corporations, whether it be this one or ITV and phones up in the middle of the night, usually, or at about eight, and says, "Get us drunk, because I feel a bit down.
" So we went out - this is about five weeks ago - and we had some wine at a place we always go to.
And, erm, I was telling Spike about finding this hat in this German hospital, he was very taken with it, you see.
The whole Hitler thing and his book, you know, about Hitler, which they're now filming, incidentally.
I ended up driving this Mercedes I've got in the front with Milligan shrieking in the back.
It was about three in the morning, orders in fake German and this hunchback with a helmet on LAUGHTER putting the right indicator out when it was going left LAUGHTER People would drive up at the lights and think, "God "what's that?" We ended up at some Greek restaurant at about three in the morning there, that Milligan knew around at the back of Bayswater and it was all rather like something out of the French Connection.
I don't know what happened, because I don't even remember getting home.
I thought to myself, "My God, if anyone stops me like this, "what am I going to say?" If the old fuzz come up, what are you going to say about it, really? Because I was as high as a kite.
"I wasn't really, Fuzz, I was as low as a kite.
" LAUGHTER What about this gift, though, Peter, of picking up a person's voice, imitating it? Do you have to listen to it for a long time or do you? Is it like an instant feedback with you? Somebody says something to you and you pick it up immediately? Do you know about that? Oh.
Because not many people know that.
Do you know? What's that there? This is my Michael Caine impression.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE "Do you know that it takes a man "to fall from the top of Big Ben" See, Mike's always quoting from the Guinness Book Of Records.
LAUGHTER Heh-heh.
At the drop of a hat, he'll trot one out, you see.
"It takes a man in a tweed suit "five-and-a-half seconds to fall from the top Big Ben to the ground.
"Now, there's not many people know that.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The celebrity friends didn't end with Michael Caine.
Here is Sellers messing about with Ringo Starr in between takes on their 1969 film, The Magic Christian.
Good afternoon and welcome to my shoot.
Cockroaches are pretty good right now.
It's a very good season for them.
We had a cockroach out there right now.
The Duke of Norfolk and one or two other people who are hot after the cockroaches, where they burn them out, actually, that's the idea.
But, erm PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD It's all right.
BA.
No, it's OK.
I thought it was one of those jobs with hair under the wings.
As you can see, this end is made of wood and this end is made of metal, mainly because if you fired out of that end, it would splinter.
And this end, you see, if you used it like this, it'll go straight into your arm and cripple you for well, probably the rest of your life.
So that's why most people shoot this way around, you see.
And when the bird goes out this way, therefore, the bird gets the full benefit of the blast and not your, um, elbow and shoulder and things.
That's why the man from Laramie had an elbow on his arm and one upon his shoulder.
Brooke Bond was that man's special tea.
Uh-huh-hum Our final clip is a musical number.
Here's Sellers performing the old crowd pleaser, When I'm Cleaning Windows, in the style of one of his own comic heroes, George Formby.
Heh-heh.
Turned out nice again, hasn't it? One, two, three, heh-four.
MUSIC: When I'm Cleaning Windows by Cliff, Gifford and Formby # Now I go cleanin' windows # To earn an honest bob # For a nosy parker # It's an interestin' job # Now it's a job that just suits me # A window cleaner you would be # If you can see what I can see When I'm cleanin' windows # Honeymoonin' couples, too # You should see them bill 'n coo # You'd be surprised at things they do # When I'm cleanin' windows # In my profession, I work hard # But I'll never stop # I'll climb this blinkin' ladder # Till I get right to the top # Now the blushin' bride, she looks divine # The bridegroom, he is doin' fine # I'd rather have his job than mine # When I'm cleanin' windows # The chambermaids' sweet names I call # It's a wonder I don't fall # My mind's not on my work at all # When I'm cleanin' windows # I know a fella, such a swell # He has a thirst, that's plain to tell # I've seen him drink his bath as well # When I'm cleanin' windows # In my profession I work hard # But I'll never stop, hee-hee # I'll climb this blinkin' ladder # Till I get right to the top # Pyjamas lyin' side by side # Ladies nighties, I have spied # I've often seen what goes inside When I'm cleanin' windows.
HE CHUCKLES APPLAUSE Peter Sellers saved his last-ever joke for after his death, which came in 1980, after a heart attack.
He was 54.
The eulogies described him as the greatest comic talent of his generation and a genius on a level with Charlie Chaplin.
For his funeral, he had insisted that Glenn Miller's In The Mood played as his coffin was cremated.
Why? Because he absolutely hated the song and knew it would give all his friends one very last laugh.
" Spike Milligan said, "He'd be Britain's greatest actor, "if someone would only let him act.
" An unusually-gifted comic and impressionist, Sellers' extraordinary talents saw him move from radio star of the 1950s to international film star of the '60s.
From The Goon Show's Bluebottle, to Hollywood's Pink Panther, at every stage of his career, he excelled in funny voices and flights of fancy and, as he demonstrates here, he never got tired of fooling around.
GERMAN ACCENT: Kindly observe, ladies and gentlemen, that the handkerchief, there is nothing in it, ja? No? Look.
My head is in ze handkerchief.
LAUGHTER My head has gone! LAUGHTER After that little trick came an anecdote stemming from Sellers' experiences working as a drummer.
It's a very dreary business, being a drummer or any musician doing gigs, really, round the country Right.
or in one set place, because you get a lot of Hooray Harrys who come up to you and ask you for songs, to play songs for them.
I mean, a typical musician's story - and this is probably true, it's probably based on fact - is about a fellow who came up to a very well-known friend of ours, Alan Clare, the pianist.
Marvellous pianist, yeah.
and said, POSH VOICE: "I say, would you play That's What You Are?" So, Alan said, "I'm sorry, "I don't know That's What You Are, I haven't "I'll have a look through the book.
" So he had a look through the book quickly and this chap was, sort of, dancing around, you know Terribly like that and he came back and he said, "I say, there's a drinky-poo in it for you, you know.
" LAUGHTER And he came back and he said, "Piano player, piano player, "and kettle drummer," I was known as the kettle drummer.
I don't know why - you never used to play a kettle, but it comes from timpani, you see.
He said, "Aren't you going to play That's What You Are? Alan said, "I'd love to play That's What You Are, "but I don't know how it goes.
" He said, "Good God," he said, "What is the country coming to? "I never thought I'd reach the day "when somebody didn't know That's What You Are.
" He said, "Well, if you sing it, I'll try.
" He said, "It goes like this" Unforgettable LAUGHTER That's what you are And then, Sellers told of how he began his career by tricking his way in to the BBC.
I was getting nowhere fast, you know, and I noticed that Roy Speer was doing a show at the time called Show Time, yes, and the compere was Dick Bentley and there were lots of new acts, you see? I'd written in, I don't know how many times, to try and get on, no reply, the secretary said, "Mr Speer, blah-blah-blah" I thought, I've got nothing to lose, I thought, well, I'll phone up 'Cause I used to be doing these impersonations and one of the big shows was Much Binding In The Marsh, with Kenneth Horne and Dickie Murdoch Right, right.
and I just thought I'd do it, you know.
You do things at certain times, you know, in life - you've got to get ahead So, I thought, "If I stay here, I'm dead," you know? Even if he kicks my arse out of there, it doesn't matter, as long as I make some impression.
Right.
So, I phoned up and I thought being a senior producer, Speer would probably know Horne and Murdoch, you see, who were very big then.
Mmm.
I thought, "If I click with the secretary, "I'll get through," right? So, I said, DEEP VOICE: "Oh, hello.
This is Ken Horne here.
Is Roy there?" Now, once she said, "Oh, yes, he is, Kenneth.
I'll" I knew I was right - shu-lah-bah-lum.
So, got on there and Roy said, "Hello, Ken, how are you?" I said, "Listen, Roy, I'm phoning up because I know that new show "you've got on - what is it, Show Time or something "Dickie and I were at a cabaret the other night, "saw an amazing young fellow called Peter, Peter "What was his name?" HIGH VOICE: "Peter Sellers, Peter Sellers or something" "Sellers, Sellers.
Anyway, I think it would be very good "if you probably had him in the show, you know.
"Just a little tip, little tip.
We just go round looking, you know.
" He said, "Well, that's very nice of you.
" And then it came to the crunch and I said, "Er "I It's me.
" He said, "What?" I said, "It's me, Peter Sellers talking and it's the only way I could get to you "and would you give me a date on your show?" And he said, "You cheeky young sod," he said.
LAUGHTER He said, "What do you do?" I said, "Well, I obviously do impersonations, don't I?" LAUGHTER I was 22 at the time.
Yeah.
Erm Sorry, go on.
Sorry.
And anyway, I went up there and I got a date on the spot and I got a good write-up, first write-up I've ever had in my life, you know.
Yeah.
It's really nice.
In the 1960s, Swinging London was the most fashionable place on the planet and Peter Sellers was one of the many big names in show business making the most of the fact.
For those golden years, Sellers was to comedy what James Bond was to cinema and The Beatles were to music.
And speaking of the Fab Four, here's Sellers' unique take on them, with a nod to Laurence Olivier's interpretation of Richard III.
COURTLY MUSIC It has been a hard day's night and I have been working like a dog.
It's been a hard day's night, I'll soon be sleeping like a log, but when I get home to you, I find the things that YOU do will make me feel all right.
You know, I work all day, to get you money, to buy you things and it's worth it just to hear you say, you'll give me everything.
That's why I love to come home, 'cause when I get you alone, you know I feel OK.
LAUGHTER A recording of that performance made the Top 20 in the UK charts - a testament to Sellers' wide appeal.
People loved seeing him immerse himself in characters like I'm All Right Jack's Fred Kite and Dr Strangelove.
Famously, Sellers would say that he wouldn't know what to do, if asked to play himself.
"There is no me," he said.
"I do not exist.
"There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed.
" I'm not the real Peter Sellers.
I am, in fact, erm, a mock-up, a plastic mock-up.
I'm beginning to think that increasingly every day, as I look at myself in what I laughingly call the mirror.
It is another copy of myself that I leave at home to do the housework, because I can't get any servants.
Coronation Street.
Is it Coronation Street? No, this is called The Life And Times Of Peter Sellers, or something like that.
Oh, him.
Him? Yes.
The only problem is that we can't find him.
I've tried looking around all over the place.
That microphone moved then.
That wouldn't be him, would it? Down there.
That big one down there.
Just a moment, I'm not sure.
Come on out of there! We know you're in there! No, no, no.
He's not in there, no.
That's, erm, stretching it a bit far for him.
You think so? I mean, in the nicest possible way.
Oh, shit! HE CHUCKLES Hiding away was the last thing Peter was doing in the mid '60s.
Marrying Swedish actress Britt Ekland ten days after meeting her had him plastered over the front pages of the newspapers.
He also found the character that would become his most celebrated - Inspector Clouseau.
Clouseau was a character who famously got everything wrong, but when making the Pink Panther films, directed by Blake Edwards, it was Sellers and the cast who struggled to get things right, as some clips shown by Michael Parkinson clearly demonstrated.
I put it to you directly, Monsieur Ballon, that it was you who murdered Miguel Ostos.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh AUDIENCE LAUGHS I dropped that thing again, I'm sorry.
Look, erm GEORGE MUMBLES SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER I didn't like AUDIENCE LAUGHS SOFT KNOCKING AT DOOR Right AUDIENCE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS And I submit, Monsieur Ballon, that you arrived home, found Maria Gambrelli with Miguel Ostos, and filled him in a rit of fealous jage.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS LOUD FOOTSTEPS Inspector! It was the THEY LAUGH Inspector! This way.
Very interesting museum you have here.
Inspector! Yes? Oh.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Would you think it naughty of me if I were to buy you a drink? You already have.
Yes.
Heh-heh.
Well, how about I buy myself one and we share it together, eh? All right.
Heh-heh.
Waiter! HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS Another coo AUDIENCE LAUGHS Waiter! Hoo-hoo.
LAUGHTER HE MUMBLES I have fixed your doorbell from the AUDIENCE LAUGHS MAN: How can you be sure? Because I am an expert and trouble shitter UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER If you require anything Monsieur, all I require is a little privacy in which to work, my bag of tools.
Anything HE LAUGHS AUDIENCE LAUGHS It is my business to know.
He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious No.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPLAUSE INAUDIBLE They are funny, aren't they? It's amazing, actually, when you watch them.
Blake Edwards has got about 200,000 feet of you doing that.
It's amazing you ever finish a film with him.
We always have two weeks extra for laughs, you know.
For giggling? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's great working with Blake.
It's fantastic.
Yeah.
The Inspector Clouseau character comes up again in this appearance on the live discussion programme, Film Night, which begins with some trademark fooling about.
Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Sellers.
APPLAUSE CHEERING PETER MUMBLES Yes AUDIENCE LAUGHS HE TRUMPETS Ah.
Hello, hello, testing, testing, one, two, three, four.
That's all right, yeah.
HE BLOWS INTO MIC Hello? That's all right, yeah.
Is it working all right? Yes, it's working now, yes.
Hello, hello.
Yes.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA HE AFFECTS RP ACCENT: Well, I must say that I liked it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE HE AFFECTS EXAGGERATED RP ACCENT: I found its comedy intrinsically funny.
LAUGHTER The cutting, I think, from the grandfather's rather prominent member to the brush on the wall.
It's quite exquisitely I do really think the HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH Well, then, we seem to be divided only on a minor points.
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
Erm Let's press on to the book we have all been reading.
HE CLEAR HIS THROA And I thought by separating them at the beginning that this was the sort of thing I'd prevent.
LAUGHTER Now, I'd like to ask Peter Sellers first if he remembers an occasion He really doesn't know about this.
In 1951 Because I found a report in The Times in 1951 - I swear this is true - about a new variety bill at the Prince of Wales and "Mr Peter Sellers", as they say, "was in company with Nino, "the little dog who trots about the stage "on enormous inflated rubber balls.
" AUDIENCE LAUGHS Now, the question I want to ask Mr Sellers is, does he remember anything about that fantastic dog? Yes.
Somebody pricked one of the balls, I remember and the dog went HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES AUDIENCE LAUGHS I used to do impersonations in those days, or impressions, yes.
Tommy Handley, lots of people, you know.
Those ones.
I didn't used to do Alec Guinness I beg your pardon.
Um These days, you know, party things, I trot one I trot a few out of those well-known stars of stage, screen and Labour Exchange.
And, um One of my ones is of Alec Guinness.
I do that one quite often, especially one speech from Kind Hearts And Coronets, when he was showing Dennis Price around the old church.
He said, "My west window "has all the elegance of Chaucer "with none of the concomitant crudities of the period.
" LAUGHTER Thank you.
APPLAUSE Which film did you most enjoy doing, Peter Sellers? And is it now, looking back, the same film? Well, I enjoyed playing very much, I enjoyed very much playing Clare Quilty in Lolita uma long way back now.
Just the first five minutes of that film, I enjoyed very much.
I like to do I like that.
I think it looks good when you watch it on the screen.
Dr Strangelove was a fascinating experience, again with Stanley Kubrick.
Erm Trying to find out what made Dr Strangelove tick over and why he wore a black glove, and why one hand was a Nazi and the other hand wasn't.
And the way we got to that is a whole interesting story.
Ah.
Ahthose were the days.
LAUGHTER They don't write hands like that any more.
LAUGHTER Uh And I think I will always like, you know, the memory of playing Inspector Clouseau.
Clouseau is a special, sort of, character.
There are people like Clouseau around all over the world.
He's the sort of man with great in-built dignity, you see, great, great dignity.
He's an idiot, but he knows that, but he wouldn't let anyone else know that, you see.
He's very, very keen.
So if something goes wrong, you see, if he falls over, or something awful happens, he immediately suspect that someone said, "Bleeding idiot.
" But, you see, he wouldn't let that disturb him.
He'd say, "What was that? What is that you say? What was that?" And someone, you know, some shlapper, would say, "Nothing, sir.
" He'd say, "Yes, of course, nothing.
Yes, yes.
" Like if there's a phone call and they say, "There's a phone call for you, Inspector.
He'd say, "Ah, that will be for me.
" Because, you know LAUGHTER he wants to be one-up all the time, you see.
An awful lot of people like that about, you see.
Clouseau took Sellers to a whole new level of fame and earned him a Golden Globe nomination in America.
But international stardom didn't mean leaving old colleagues behind.
Here he is, joining his fellow Goon, Harry Secombe, for a 1972 appearance on Parkinson and showing, again, that he knew how to make a big entrance.
APPLAUSE SLOW GUITAR VERSION OF RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES PLAYS THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH LAUGHTER PETER KNOCKS HIS MIC Wargh! HARRY CHORTLES PETER "DOOF DOOFs" There's a lot of machines here.
It is Peter Sellers, isn't it? Yes.
Yes.
Mm.
Do you? I only dress up like this during the mating pogrom.
LAUGHTER MICHAEL CHORTLES I, in Deutschland, threw a What did you? I'm a yankee doodle da LAUGHTER Where did you get that hat from, Peter? That's a real This is an This is a real German hel PETER CHORTLES What is all that lot down there? Oh, just some little extras we have down there.
Oh-ho.
Hello.
HARRY CHORTLES I just saw it.
I saw it.
I saw it, I saw it I did a film in Guernsey and we were working underground in an actual German hospital and I found this.
It was all rusting away in the corner HE AFFECTS GERMAN ACCENT: But you know what really the truth about this whole thing? I am sick of this business about Churchill.
The young Churchill, the old Churchill LAUGHTER the weak Churchill, the thin Churchill, the fat Churchill.
Why doesn't say the truth about Churchill? Not many people know or listen.
A painter? His rotten paintings.
Rotten.
LAUGHTER Hitler, there was a painter for you.
LAUGHTER He'd paint an entire apartment.
Two coats, one afternoon.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You are listening to this one, now you are getting the truth.
Hitler had more hair than Churchill, he told funnier jokes than Churchill LAUGHTER And he could dance the pants off old Churchill.
LAUGHTER Churchill couldn't even say Nazi.
He was like, "Nah.
Nah.
" That is my favourite bit of dialogue from, um - and a plug for good old Mel Brooks and The Producers - Springtime For Hitler And Germany.
I Can I take this off? Yeah, please do, Peter.
I hope I don't take my head with it.
PETER SPEAKS GIBBERISH Let's have a look at this for a moment.
Now thinly disguised as Paul McCartney.
I share your admiration for that film.
It's a great film.
Very underrated.
I don't know why people didn't push it.
Yeah.
Why they didn't push it is what's wrong with the movie industry.
Absolutely right.
I might talk a bit more about that later.
Yeah.
It occurs to me that the art of impersonation is sort of LAUGHTER it's carrying it through, isn't it? It's going out there and carrying through with it, no matter what.
Have you ever chickened out of one, Peter, at any time? Have you ever gone halfway through with one and then? On what? On an impersonation.
You're going down the street in disguise and suddenly thought, well Well, I went out with Milligan the other night.
Milligan gets down a bit, as you well know, as his favourite friend here.
He has, er barneys with a certain corporations, whether it be this one or ITV and phones up in the middle of the night, usually, or at about eight, and says, "Get us drunk, because I feel a bit down.
" So we went out - this is about five weeks ago - and we had some wine at a place we always go to.
And, erm, I was telling Spike about finding this hat in this German hospital, he was very taken with it, you see.
The whole Hitler thing and his book, you know, about Hitler, which they're now filming, incidentally.
I ended up driving this Mercedes I've got in the front with Milligan shrieking in the back.
It was about three in the morning, orders in fake German and this hunchback with a helmet on LAUGHTER putting the right indicator out when it was going left LAUGHTER People would drive up at the lights and think, "God "what's that?" We ended up at some Greek restaurant at about three in the morning there, that Milligan knew around at the back of Bayswater and it was all rather like something out of the French Connection.
I don't know what happened, because I don't even remember getting home.
I thought to myself, "My God, if anyone stops me like this, "what am I going to say?" If the old fuzz come up, what are you going to say about it, really? Because I was as high as a kite.
"I wasn't really, Fuzz, I was as low as a kite.
" LAUGHTER What about this gift, though, Peter, of picking up a person's voice, imitating it? Do you have to listen to it for a long time or do you? Is it like an instant feedback with you? Somebody says something to you and you pick it up immediately? Do you know about that? Oh.
Because not many people know that.
Do you know? What's that there? This is my Michael Caine impression.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE "Do you know that it takes a man "to fall from the top of Big Ben" See, Mike's always quoting from the Guinness Book Of Records.
LAUGHTER Heh-heh.
At the drop of a hat, he'll trot one out, you see.
"It takes a man in a tweed suit "five-and-a-half seconds to fall from the top Big Ben to the ground.
"Now, there's not many people know that.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The celebrity friends didn't end with Michael Caine.
Here is Sellers messing about with Ringo Starr in between takes on their 1969 film, The Magic Christian.
Good afternoon and welcome to my shoot.
Cockroaches are pretty good right now.
It's a very good season for them.
We had a cockroach out there right now.
The Duke of Norfolk and one or two other people who are hot after the cockroaches, where they burn them out, actually, that's the idea.
But, erm PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD It's all right.
BA.
No, it's OK.
I thought it was one of those jobs with hair under the wings.
As you can see, this end is made of wood and this end is made of metal, mainly because if you fired out of that end, it would splinter.
And this end, you see, if you used it like this, it'll go straight into your arm and cripple you for well, probably the rest of your life.
So that's why most people shoot this way around, you see.
And when the bird goes out this way, therefore, the bird gets the full benefit of the blast and not your, um, elbow and shoulder and things.
That's why the man from Laramie had an elbow on his arm and one upon his shoulder.
Brooke Bond was that man's special tea.
Uh-huh-hum Our final clip is a musical number.
Here's Sellers performing the old crowd pleaser, When I'm Cleaning Windows, in the style of one of his own comic heroes, George Formby.
Heh-heh.
Turned out nice again, hasn't it? One, two, three, heh-four.
MUSIC: When I'm Cleaning Windows by Cliff, Gifford and Formby # Now I go cleanin' windows # To earn an honest bob # For a nosy parker # It's an interestin' job # Now it's a job that just suits me # A window cleaner you would be # If you can see what I can see When I'm cleanin' windows # Honeymoonin' couples, too # You should see them bill 'n coo # You'd be surprised at things they do # When I'm cleanin' windows # In my profession, I work hard # But I'll never stop # I'll climb this blinkin' ladder # Till I get right to the top # Now the blushin' bride, she looks divine # The bridegroom, he is doin' fine # I'd rather have his job than mine # When I'm cleanin' windows # The chambermaids' sweet names I call # It's a wonder I don't fall # My mind's not on my work at all # When I'm cleanin' windows # I know a fella, such a swell # He has a thirst, that's plain to tell # I've seen him drink his bath as well # When I'm cleanin' windows # In my profession I work hard # But I'll never stop, hee-hee # I'll climb this blinkin' ladder # Till I get right to the top # Pyjamas lyin' side by side # Ladies nighties, I have spied # I've often seen what goes inside When I'm cleanin' windows.
HE CHUCKLES APPLAUSE Peter Sellers saved his last-ever joke for after his death, which came in 1980, after a heart attack.
He was 54.
The eulogies described him as the greatest comic talent of his generation and a genius on a level with Charlie Chaplin.
For his funeral, he had insisted that Glenn Miller's In The Mood played as his coffin was cremated.
Why? Because he absolutely hated the song and knew it would give all his friends one very last laugh.