Taxi (1978) s03e01 Episode Script
Louie's Rival
Saturday night is just fine.
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
( screams ) Guys! Doug Johnson from the art gallery just asked me out for this Saturday night! Oh, that's very nice.
That's wonderful.
That's terrific.
Yes, and I don't have a baby-sitter, so could? Uh, uh, uh, Bobby, do you think? Uh, Elaine, I-I already have plans.
I'm sorry.
Oh, well, um, Tony I'd like to, Elaine, but I got a fight Saturday night.
Bobby, just this once? Come on.
Look, I have a date Saturday night, Elaine, with a great girl.
Oh, but I-I've been dropping hints for months now for Doug to ask me out.
Hey, you know, this may be hard for you to believe, but other people have relationships that are important to them, too.
( sighs ) And-and this girl I'm going out with Saturday night is every bit as important to me as Doug is to you.
What's her name? What time do you want me there? Rieger, come in here.
Rieger! ( snapping fingers ) Come in here! Rieger! ( whispers ): Come in here! Wait a minute! Stay right where you are! I'll come down there! Alex? I got problems with my love life.
Get away from me.
Things aren't right between Zena and me.
That's right, the girl you like.
So now you got to listen to me.
I could have got you to come in the cage if I'd have said her name, yeah.
I don't understand it.
I mean, it's like somehow we got out of sync.
Our gears aren't meshing as often as they used to, if you know what I mean.
( mutters ) Rieger, I'm pouring my guts out to you.
You're not pouring your guts out to me.
You're telling me that you're not getting enough action.
Insatiable lust doesn't make you sympathetic.
Why not? All right, all right.
I'll tell you the real reason.
The real thing Yeah? What? ( mutters ) Go ahead.
What? What? Say it.
I Say it.
Say it.
Say it! Say it!I Say it! Say it! I'm afraid of losing her.
Ohh.
Alex Zena sees something in me that no other woman ever saw-- that no other person ever saw-- that isn't there.
All right, all right, do you want to keep Zena? You're going to have to treat her better.
What makes you think I don't treat her good now? Well, describe a typical evening with Zena.
We watch a little TV and then hit the sheets.
Well, some people call that corny, but that's the way we are.
( mutters ) All right, all right.
Describe a typical good evening to you experienced, romantic types.
All right, you go out to dinner maybe you take in a movie, you go home, and you talk.
Dinner, talk Yeah? Well, well, well? You don't want to know what you talk about? Yeah.
I mean, give me an example.
Sports, people you have in common.
You talk.
Sports people in common You mean, like, uh, if the house looks clean I could say, "Hey, the place looks great.
" Sure.
That was my idea.
I thought of the words.
You just said, "talk.
" ( chuckling ) I got the golden key here.
Look out, world.
Dinner, movies sports Gee, the place looks immaculate.
You're going to get it.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about your attitude.
Trying to romance you is like trying to blow your nose without a handkerchief.
That's disgusting.
I can't do nothing right tonight.
for a French meal you don't want to eat, they don't want me to take home.
I got to go out and find my own bags at 8:00 at night.
I don't know what the hell this is.
You order something with eyes? No.
Me, neither.
Look, Louie, I'd like to get to sleep early tonight, so if you don't mind No, no, no.
I don't mind.
Louie.
Louie! What, what? I'll brush my teeth in the morning.
I want you to leave here.
I want you to leave my apartment.
I want you to leave me alone.
Boy, this place looks immaculate.
Louie, I don't want to be ignored.
I need to be alone.
I'm very tense tonight.
I know what'll take the tension out of you.
Oh, no.
No.
( high-pitched whooping ) ( shouts ) ( grunts ) ( choking ): Zena, you seem a little distant tonight.
What did I do so bad? Send me to jail.
I think you're beautiful.
You arouse me.
Officer, take me away.
I want you to leave.
All right.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Listen how about one little glass of apricot brandy, just for the trail home? I don't have any apricot brandy.
Louie does.
Louie, don't you even want to know what's bothering me? Well, whatever it is, it couldn't be that bad.
I mean, you still love me, don't you? Please let me be deaf.
( glass pings ) ( low groan ) Louie I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
But I met another man.
Louie, I didn't want to bring it up, because see, I was just hoping it would kind of sort itself out.
I'm a little bit confused.
You see two weeks ago a girlfriend and I went to Mario's for a drink after work, and I met this guy, Dwight.
He's the day bartender there.
At Mario's? Mario's.
He asked me to go out with him.
And normally I would have said no, and I did think of you, but he was so nice, and right away there was something good between us.
I'm sure you don't want to know the details.
No, you don't, really.
We had lunch together.
We had several lunches.
Then one evening we had dinner.
Then we had more dinners.
I don't know what happened, but I kept on seeing him, but we weren't physical.
( sighs ) We were just friends, and it was really great.
And then, one day, without my seeing it coming or anybody planning it, we became lovers.
It came out of our friendship-- out of the fact that we enjoyed each other's company.
I don't know, maybe if I'd seen it coming I could have done something to stop it, but I didn't see it coming.
What's wrong? "I can't breathe!" Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh! What? Oh, drink! Okay.
Here.
So what are you saying, Zena? I mean, I'm missing something.
What are you saying? I think it would be best if we didn't see each other for a while Uh, okay.
I see you got your mind made up about this.
If that's the way you want it, that's the way it will be.
Let me just I'll get dressed and I'll leave you alone.
One for the road.
You know something, Zena? Someday you're going to come back to me-- crawling on your knees, begging me to take you back-- and when you do you know what I'll say? I'll say thank God.
( low talking ) Have a beer, please? Hey, now, look, Elaine, you tripped me up on this date thing Saturday night.
Now, I know I agreed to baby-sit your kids, but I've reconsidered.
I've always been bad with names, and it's really important to me, and her name is Gloria.
Gloria who? You said 8:00, right? Elaine? Would you care to dance? Jim, um, there's not any music.
There will be soon.
I put a quarter in the jukebox.
No.
You just put a quarter in the cigarette machine.
Well, Elaine, would you care to smoke? I hate to do this, but I got to get out of here.
Got to get up early in the morning.
What for? I'm meeting you guys here for breakfast.
Mm.
Ah.
Right.
We all better get going.
Thanks, yeah.
Hey, wait a minute.
They haven't played my cigarette yet.
ALEX: Jim, let's go.
Let's go, Jim.
Hey, Louie.
ELAINE: You look awful.
BOBBY: What is that smell? Apricots? I'm shattered.
It's terrible.
My life is over.
Oh.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
See you, Louie.
( muted growling ) Hey, Lou? Come on.
Sit down.
All right.
Hey, Lou what's wrong? Zena left me.
Oh, no.
I was up all night, drinking.
The worst part about it is I kept Ma up all night too.
Why was that? What do you want me to do? Talk to the walls? Rieger, did you ever have your guts ripped out by some woman? Louie, I know exactly how you feel.
I mean, just four years ago I was going with this girl What am I supposed to do, here? My life is falling apart so I should listen to stories about you? I mean, you know, let's put the little selfishness in check here.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I ain't even told you the worst part.
Zena told me that she she said she fell for a a bartender who works here at Mario's, named Dwight.
And I think that's him over there.
Maybe not.
Maybe not.
He doesn't look like a Dwight.
Well, I know there's one way to find out.
Look out, Dwight! I think it's him.
What was that all about? Forget it.
Forget it.
It's a false alarm.
I'm going to go talk to him.
No, no, no, no! Rieger, Rieger, Rieger, I'm only going to go buy us a couple of beers.
No, no, no, no! I'll buy the beers.
You sit.
You sit.
All right.
Uh, fine, but while you're over there pump the scum for information.
No pumping.
Pump him! No pumping.
Pump the scum! Just beer! Pump the scum! No! Just beer! Pump him! Pump the scum No, Louie, I'm not going to be a spy for you.
Now, sit.
Sit! Pump the scum.
I said sit.
Pump the scum! Sit! Pump him.
Stay Stay.
Pump the scum.
Pump Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Sit, sit, sit! Pump him! Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay ( whispers ): Pump him.
Two beers, please.
What? Uh, two beers, please.
Yeah.
So how are you doing? Huh? Fine.
How are you? Well I'm great now.
But I'll tell ya, if you'd asked me yesterday, I would have been in trouble.
But, uh, I think I finally got it figured out.
I met this new girl in here a few weeks ago named Zena Sherman.
She came in one day.
I was working the day shift.
Uh, we hit it off real well right away, you know? Next thing I know, we're seeing each other almost every day.
Things are getting better and better all the time.
All of a sudden, she starts getting serious on me.
I mean, I don't have to tell you that, uh, that takes all the fun out of it, you know? So, I mean, I decided, hey, I'm just going to stop seeing her, you know? Oh, uh, thank you.
Thank you.
What did he say? Uh Did you find out anything? No, nothing much.
He didn't get around to telling me his dog tag numbers.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Uh, all right.
Uh, it is Dwight.
( growls ) No, no, no!Scum! They been going with each other for a couple of weeks.
She's serious.
He's not.
He's going to break it off with her.
I don't believe it.
Yeah.
He's going to dump her? Right.
He's going to break Zena's heart.
That's good for me.
But it's terrible for her.
I can't help but have mixed feelings about this.
I'm torn between joy and rapture.
I'm sorry, Zena.
I just thought I'd tell you how I feel.
( door opening ) Hi.
Sorry it couldn't work out.
Okay, okay.
Nobody's blaming you.
Hi, Zena.
Louie.
Okay, okay.
So you got hurt.
We all get hurt.
Everybody gets theirs.
I got mine.
You got yours.
Everybody gets everybody else's here.
Everybody destroys, and everybody destroys everybody else.
It's what separates us from the animals.
I think we can resume on our old footing.
I was going to make you beg, but I can't now.
Maybe a teeny bit.
Louie, I don't want you back.
You're going to have to do a little better than that.
I'm serious.
What are you talking about? No, Louie, I really don't.
We're through.
Look I didn't stop seeing you only 'cause of Dwight.
Most of the reasons I stopped seeing ya have only to do with you.
I suppose that's my fault.
Louie you have an attitude problem.
You've got a personality problem.
You got a sensitivity problem.
You got a selfishness problem.
You got an emotional problem.
You got a maturity problem.
You got a sexual problem.
What do you mean? It's all you ever think about.
You mean, that's the problem? Yeah.
( sighing ) Zena Look There is no way I am going back with you.
Zena, don't you love me? I don't know what love is.
Well, you're in luck, 'cause I do.
And you know something, Zena? You couldn't hear this from anybody else, because I think that I'm the only person alive who knows what love is.
Because I read what everybody else says it is, and I never see the right answer.
Okay.
All right.
You don't want to know what love is? All right.
You won't know what love is.
I'll know what love is.
This is your last chance to know what love is.
Okay.
What is it? Love is the end of happiness.
( imitating plane crashing ) Because one day, all a guy's got to do to be happy is to watch the Mets.
The next day, you got to have Zena in the room watching the Mets with you.
You don't know why.
They're still the Mets, it's the same room, but you got to have Zena there.
Ugh! You really feel that way, Louie? Yes.
You can't watch the Mets without me? Nope.
Well, I can't watch them now, anyway, because it's the middle of the winter.
But the philosophy's the same.
You want to see me again, Zena? Oh, God.
Here I am, back in the same old stinking, lousy, crummy, rotten relationship all over again-- the same place I was in to begin with.
I'll never get out from under it.
Oh, Zena, you don't know how happy that makes me feel.
( theme music playing ) WOMAN: Night, Mr.
Walters.
( grunts )
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
( screams ) Guys! Doug Johnson from the art gallery just asked me out for this Saturday night! Oh, that's very nice.
That's wonderful.
That's terrific.
Yes, and I don't have a baby-sitter, so could? Uh, uh, uh, Bobby, do you think? Uh, Elaine, I-I already have plans.
I'm sorry.
Oh, well, um, Tony I'd like to, Elaine, but I got a fight Saturday night.
Bobby, just this once? Come on.
Look, I have a date Saturday night, Elaine, with a great girl.
Oh, but I-I've been dropping hints for months now for Doug to ask me out.
Hey, you know, this may be hard for you to believe, but other people have relationships that are important to them, too.
( sighs ) And-and this girl I'm going out with Saturday night is every bit as important to me as Doug is to you.
What's her name? What time do you want me there? Rieger, come in here.
Rieger! ( snapping fingers ) Come in here! Rieger! ( whispers ): Come in here! Wait a minute! Stay right where you are! I'll come down there! Alex? I got problems with my love life.
Get away from me.
Things aren't right between Zena and me.
That's right, the girl you like.
So now you got to listen to me.
I could have got you to come in the cage if I'd have said her name, yeah.
I don't understand it.
I mean, it's like somehow we got out of sync.
Our gears aren't meshing as often as they used to, if you know what I mean.
( mutters ) Rieger, I'm pouring my guts out to you.
You're not pouring your guts out to me.
You're telling me that you're not getting enough action.
Insatiable lust doesn't make you sympathetic.
Why not? All right, all right.
I'll tell you the real reason.
The real thing Yeah? What? ( mutters ) Go ahead.
What? What? Say it.
I Say it.
Say it.
Say it! Say it!I Say it! Say it! I'm afraid of losing her.
Ohh.
Alex Zena sees something in me that no other woman ever saw-- that no other person ever saw-- that isn't there.
All right, all right, do you want to keep Zena? You're going to have to treat her better.
What makes you think I don't treat her good now? Well, describe a typical evening with Zena.
We watch a little TV and then hit the sheets.
Well, some people call that corny, but that's the way we are.
( mutters ) All right, all right.
Describe a typical good evening to you experienced, romantic types.
All right, you go out to dinner maybe you take in a movie, you go home, and you talk.
Dinner, talk Yeah? Well, well, well? You don't want to know what you talk about? Yeah.
I mean, give me an example.
Sports, people you have in common.
You talk.
Sports people in common You mean, like, uh, if the house looks clean I could say, "Hey, the place looks great.
" Sure.
That was my idea.
I thought of the words.
You just said, "talk.
" ( chuckling ) I got the golden key here.
Look out, world.
Dinner, movies sports Gee, the place looks immaculate.
You're going to get it.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about your attitude.
Trying to romance you is like trying to blow your nose without a handkerchief.
That's disgusting.
I can't do nothing right tonight.
for a French meal you don't want to eat, they don't want me to take home.
I got to go out and find my own bags at 8:00 at night.
I don't know what the hell this is.
You order something with eyes? No.
Me, neither.
Look, Louie, I'd like to get to sleep early tonight, so if you don't mind No, no, no.
I don't mind.
Louie.
Louie! What, what? I'll brush my teeth in the morning.
I want you to leave here.
I want you to leave my apartment.
I want you to leave me alone.
Boy, this place looks immaculate.
Louie, I don't want to be ignored.
I need to be alone.
I'm very tense tonight.
I know what'll take the tension out of you.
Oh, no.
No.
( high-pitched whooping ) ( shouts ) ( grunts ) ( choking ): Zena, you seem a little distant tonight.
What did I do so bad? Send me to jail.
I think you're beautiful.
You arouse me.
Officer, take me away.
I want you to leave.
All right.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Listen how about one little glass of apricot brandy, just for the trail home? I don't have any apricot brandy.
Louie does.
Louie, don't you even want to know what's bothering me? Well, whatever it is, it couldn't be that bad.
I mean, you still love me, don't you? Please let me be deaf.
( glass pings ) ( low groan ) Louie I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
But I met another man.
Louie, I didn't want to bring it up, because see, I was just hoping it would kind of sort itself out.
I'm a little bit confused.
You see two weeks ago a girlfriend and I went to Mario's for a drink after work, and I met this guy, Dwight.
He's the day bartender there.
At Mario's? Mario's.
He asked me to go out with him.
And normally I would have said no, and I did think of you, but he was so nice, and right away there was something good between us.
I'm sure you don't want to know the details.
No, you don't, really.
We had lunch together.
We had several lunches.
Then one evening we had dinner.
Then we had more dinners.
I don't know what happened, but I kept on seeing him, but we weren't physical.
( sighs ) We were just friends, and it was really great.
And then, one day, without my seeing it coming or anybody planning it, we became lovers.
It came out of our friendship-- out of the fact that we enjoyed each other's company.
I don't know, maybe if I'd seen it coming I could have done something to stop it, but I didn't see it coming.
What's wrong? "I can't breathe!" Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh! What? Oh, drink! Okay.
Here.
So what are you saying, Zena? I mean, I'm missing something.
What are you saying? I think it would be best if we didn't see each other for a while Uh, okay.
I see you got your mind made up about this.
If that's the way you want it, that's the way it will be.
Let me just I'll get dressed and I'll leave you alone.
One for the road.
You know something, Zena? Someday you're going to come back to me-- crawling on your knees, begging me to take you back-- and when you do you know what I'll say? I'll say thank God.
( low talking ) Have a beer, please? Hey, now, look, Elaine, you tripped me up on this date thing Saturday night.
Now, I know I agreed to baby-sit your kids, but I've reconsidered.
I've always been bad with names, and it's really important to me, and her name is Gloria.
Gloria who? You said 8:00, right? Elaine? Would you care to dance? Jim, um, there's not any music.
There will be soon.
I put a quarter in the jukebox.
No.
You just put a quarter in the cigarette machine.
Well, Elaine, would you care to smoke? I hate to do this, but I got to get out of here.
Got to get up early in the morning.
What for? I'm meeting you guys here for breakfast.
Mm.
Ah.
Right.
We all better get going.
Thanks, yeah.
Hey, wait a minute.
They haven't played my cigarette yet.
ALEX: Jim, let's go.
Let's go, Jim.
Hey, Louie.
ELAINE: You look awful.
BOBBY: What is that smell? Apricots? I'm shattered.
It's terrible.
My life is over.
Oh.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
See you, Louie.
( muted growling ) Hey, Lou? Come on.
Sit down.
All right.
Hey, Lou what's wrong? Zena left me.
Oh, no.
I was up all night, drinking.
The worst part about it is I kept Ma up all night too.
Why was that? What do you want me to do? Talk to the walls? Rieger, did you ever have your guts ripped out by some woman? Louie, I know exactly how you feel.
I mean, just four years ago I was going with this girl What am I supposed to do, here? My life is falling apart so I should listen to stories about you? I mean, you know, let's put the little selfishness in check here.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I ain't even told you the worst part.
Zena told me that she she said she fell for a a bartender who works here at Mario's, named Dwight.
And I think that's him over there.
Maybe not.
Maybe not.
He doesn't look like a Dwight.
Well, I know there's one way to find out.
Look out, Dwight! I think it's him.
What was that all about? Forget it.
Forget it.
It's a false alarm.
I'm going to go talk to him.
No, no, no, no! Rieger, Rieger, Rieger, I'm only going to go buy us a couple of beers.
No, no, no, no! I'll buy the beers.
You sit.
You sit.
All right.
Uh, fine, but while you're over there pump the scum for information.
No pumping.
Pump him! No pumping.
Pump the scum! Just beer! Pump the scum! No! Just beer! Pump him! Pump the scum No, Louie, I'm not going to be a spy for you.
Now, sit.
Sit! Pump the scum.
I said sit.
Pump the scum! Sit! Pump him.
Stay Stay.
Pump the scum.
Pump Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Sit, sit, sit! Pump him! Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay ( whispers ): Pump him.
Two beers, please.
What? Uh, two beers, please.
Yeah.
So how are you doing? Huh? Fine.
How are you? Well I'm great now.
But I'll tell ya, if you'd asked me yesterday, I would have been in trouble.
But, uh, I think I finally got it figured out.
I met this new girl in here a few weeks ago named Zena Sherman.
She came in one day.
I was working the day shift.
Uh, we hit it off real well right away, you know? Next thing I know, we're seeing each other almost every day.
Things are getting better and better all the time.
All of a sudden, she starts getting serious on me.
I mean, I don't have to tell you that, uh, that takes all the fun out of it, you know? So, I mean, I decided, hey, I'm just going to stop seeing her, you know? Oh, uh, thank you.
Thank you.
What did he say? Uh Did you find out anything? No, nothing much.
He didn't get around to telling me his dog tag numbers.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Uh, all right.
Uh, it is Dwight.
( growls ) No, no, no!Scum! They been going with each other for a couple of weeks.
She's serious.
He's not.
He's going to break it off with her.
I don't believe it.
Yeah.
He's going to dump her? Right.
He's going to break Zena's heart.
That's good for me.
But it's terrible for her.
I can't help but have mixed feelings about this.
I'm torn between joy and rapture.
I'm sorry, Zena.
I just thought I'd tell you how I feel.
( door opening ) Hi.
Sorry it couldn't work out.
Okay, okay.
Nobody's blaming you.
Hi, Zena.
Louie.
Okay, okay.
So you got hurt.
We all get hurt.
Everybody gets theirs.
I got mine.
You got yours.
Everybody gets everybody else's here.
Everybody destroys, and everybody destroys everybody else.
It's what separates us from the animals.
I think we can resume on our old footing.
I was going to make you beg, but I can't now.
Maybe a teeny bit.
Louie, I don't want you back.
You're going to have to do a little better than that.
I'm serious.
What are you talking about? No, Louie, I really don't.
We're through.
Look I didn't stop seeing you only 'cause of Dwight.
Most of the reasons I stopped seeing ya have only to do with you.
I suppose that's my fault.
Louie you have an attitude problem.
You've got a personality problem.
You got a sensitivity problem.
You got a selfishness problem.
You got an emotional problem.
You got a maturity problem.
You got a sexual problem.
What do you mean? It's all you ever think about.
You mean, that's the problem? Yeah.
( sighing ) Zena Look There is no way I am going back with you.
Zena, don't you love me? I don't know what love is.
Well, you're in luck, 'cause I do.
And you know something, Zena? You couldn't hear this from anybody else, because I think that I'm the only person alive who knows what love is.
Because I read what everybody else says it is, and I never see the right answer.
Okay.
All right.
You don't want to know what love is? All right.
You won't know what love is.
I'll know what love is.
This is your last chance to know what love is.
Okay.
What is it? Love is the end of happiness.
( imitating plane crashing ) Because one day, all a guy's got to do to be happy is to watch the Mets.
The next day, you got to have Zena in the room watching the Mets with you.
You don't know why.
They're still the Mets, it's the same room, but you got to have Zena there.
Ugh! You really feel that way, Louie? Yes.
You can't watch the Mets without me? Nope.
Well, I can't watch them now, anyway, because it's the middle of the winter.
But the philosophy's the same.
You want to see me again, Zena? Oh, God.
Here I am, back in the same old stinking, lousy, crummy, rotten relationship all over again-- the same place I was in to begin with.
I'll never get out from under it.
Oh, Zena, you don't know how happy that makes me feel.
( theme music playing ) WOMAN: Night, Mr.
Walters.
( grunts )