That '70s Show s01e03 Episode Script

Push.
Push.
Come on, you gotta push it.
- How much longer? - 10 seconds.
You gotta push harder or it's not gonna work.
- This is so stupid.
- It's not stupid.
You're gonna love it.
I'm not gonna love it.
Okay, that's time.
Step away from the door.
Kelso, you're a genius.
Yeah, it's magic.
My God.
Finally.
I am so dehydrated.
Here.
Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
I told you my top three choices were Tab, Fresca, or Diet Rite.
Again, you get Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
- Then I'll just have water.
- You know, there's a hose in the backyard.
I've noticed that the pop selection has really went downhill since your dad got laid off.
He's not laid off, he's just part-time.
And shut up.
Kids.
Kids, kids, kids.
The President is coming.
What President? The President of these United States, Gerald R.
Ford, the 36th Eighth 40th I don't know.
He's the President.
Why would Ford come to Point Place? Because we are a whistle-stop along his Wisconsin campaign trail.
My dad organized it.
Dear, the next time you know a president is coming to town please give me a little more notice.
I need to vacuum.
Eric, you tidy up this basement.
A pie! I gotta make a pie! Wow.
The President's coming.
You know what we should do? That door thing again! Yeah! Hanging out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you Whoa, yeah Hello, Wisconsin! So how's the car? Real good.
By real good, you mean you rotated those tires like I asked you to? Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive? - You being a smartmouth? - Yes, and I'm sorry.
Tuna casserole again? Well, okay, how about we don't pay the car insurance and we'll all have steak? All right.
Well, just imagine, President Ford is coming here.
Red, we need to get rid of the oil stains in the driveway.
It's not like he's coming to our house.
And if he did I'd kick him in the keister.
Stop it.
How can you say that? You voted for Gerald Ford.
Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.
But he still is our President.
The boy's old enough to hear that kind of talk.
Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell-cares.
Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen? Red, President Ford didn't take your job.
He took Nixon's.
Eric, we're waiting.
Well I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
That's perfect, Eric.
Use that line when you run for Miss America.
Settle down and we'll start the assembly.
Now, concerning the canned goods drive.
Motor oil is not a food.
I'm sorry, it's not.
And all your booing isn't gonna make it one.
Now as you all know President Ford will be visiting our fair city.
And I know there are some of you ne'er-do-wells out there that might be planning some sort of quote unquote, social statement-type protest.
I can't believe this.
Who cares if Ford is coming? It's better than when the Oscar Mayer Weenie Mobile drove through.
They didn't even stop.
They just slowed down and threw a bunch of hot dog whistles at us.
Two girls in a phallic RV.
Driving around, handing out things you blow.
What a great country.
So let me tell you another thing Mr.
or Mrs.
Punk.
Protesting accomplishes nothing.
Oh, sure, you might see a chance to prove your manhood or show you're cool but this is our President.
Our President, darn it! So no shenanigans, you hear me? And if that's your kind of attitude you might just as well go home right now.
So President Ford should be arriving at noon.
Man, deviled eggs.
Are these for anybody? Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Mr.
Pinciotti.
- Hi.
- Hi, kitten.
Now, look, we're talking about adult stuff here.
Why don't you and your friend head up to your room? Now, the most important part of our presidential rally is the townspeople "Q" and "A" section.
Just so, everyone's clear the "Q" stands for "Question", the "A" for "Answer.
" All yours, Jack.
This is where normal folks step up to the microphone and ask the President questions.
Now, the important thing is to choose the right person, you know.
A working class guy.
Your average Joe.
I guess someone you and I would call a loser.
So, of course, I thought of you.
We'd like you to ask President Ford a question.
So what do you say to that? I say, no, thank you, and I want my crescent wrench back.
I'll do it.
No, you keep working on your pies.
Just imagine, Red, you, the little guy get to have your opinions heard by the most powerful man in America.
Take advantage of this opportunity.
- Turn that light off.
- Sorry.
Look, guys, we gotta do something that says we will not pay homage to a corrupt electoral system.
I know.
A bloody coup.
That's good, but we're looking for something great.
Something that would make our founding fathers proud, man, you know? - Let's streak! - Bingo! Yeah! I've always wanted to do that just run buck naked through a sea of people.
Be free and shake it around.
All right, who's in? Will people be chasing us with torches and pointy sticks? - No.
- Then I am in.
Great.
Eric? - Are you in? - Streaking.
I'm Don't get me wrong, I'm completely pro-nudity but I think my dad might kill me, and I'm anti-being killed.
If there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid it wouldn't be worth doing, you know? Good point.
And I could write some really great slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off? Pretty snazzy? Looking good, Dad.
I got one for you, too.
We're gonna wear them to meet the President.
No.
No way.
Honey, you're missing the big picture.
Let me go get the other jumpsuits.
You'll see.
Mom, why are you doing this? Honey, there are lots of things I do to make your father happy that I don't really like.
- Mom! - No, not that.
I love that.
I meant like fishing.
See? When we stand together, we're the American flag.
- I'm not wearing a striped jumpsuit.
- No, honey, you're the field of blue.
Bye, now.
But, Donna, you're part of the family.
My, this hurts.
- Yello.
- Good news, Bob.
I've been thinking about it and I've decided, I will ask Ford a question.
Red, this is good news.
And I could sure use it right about now.
Yeah, glad I could help.
I'm gonna ask him a question all right.
And it's gonna be a damn good one.
Red.
Now, don't worry.
I'm simply gonna ask him how the hell he's gonna fix this economy.
Honey, he wouldn't know that.
He's the President.
All this food for 45 cents, it is unbelievable.
I see.
So, Forman, the rally's tonight, man.
What's your decision? - Yeah, are you gonna streak or not? - Don't pressure him.
No, I've been doing some thinking, and I'm in.
- All right.
- You're gonna look like a bunch of idiots.
A bunch of naked idiots.
Thanks, Kelso.
Look, we must keep this quiet.
It can't go beyond this table.
If my father finds out what we have planned, he will nail me to the wall.
Why are you all sitting on one side of the table? Okay, now.
Make way for my Presidential pies.
See? Cherry, mock apple, blueberry.
See that? Red, white, and blue.
It's like the beginning to Love, American Style in pie.
Look.
Lookit.
See, honey, you're not looking.
Yeah, pie.
Dad.
Mr.
Pinciotti wanted me to give you this.
- What is it? - It's your question for President Ford.
But I'm working on my question for President Ford.
Right.
This is the one the committee made up for you.
"What has been your favorite parade?" This is asinine.
- Macy's? - No contest.
Right.
Can I borrow your trench coat? I can ask the President any damn thing I want.
It's my right.
I'm not gonna be a puppet for Bob's committee.
I'll take real good care of it and I'll bring it back as soon as I possibly can.
Honey, just take the coat and leave.
No.
Eric, a man has to stand up and be heard.
I will not sit quietly by while everything is taken away from me.
They took my job, my stability now they want to take away my right to free speech.
You still have the Toyota, it gets great mileage.
Where is the America that I knew as a boy? Where? You tell me, dear God, where? Okay, I really hate being in this room right now.
Okay, when the President starts his speech here I'll blow my Oscar Mayer whistle and we go.
Did you write, "I hate the fuzz" on your butt? Yeah.
- Donna, here's your lipstick back.
- Keep it.
- You got the masks? - Yeah, I got three Snoopys and one Nixon.
Not it.
Damn.
Fez, how'd you know how to do that? My country invented "not it.
" So can we go already? I'm itching to release the hound here.
It's go time.
Now, look at you guys.
What is it with you young people and Colombo? Bye.
Bye.
Aren't you going, Donna? No.
My Dad's gonna make me wear this really queer jumpsuit.
I don't know if I can do it.
It's just too embarrassing.
You know, Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden and she had this thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end.
I asked her not to come to my high school graduation 'cause I didn't want my friends to hear her talk and she didn't come.
Sixteen years later, she got the gout and died.
You see? No.
All families are embarrassing.
And if they're not embarrassing, then they're dead.
All right, try and blend in.
see you alone like that, so I came over and here you are.
Hey, you hitting on my girlfriend? Michael, he's not - Hey, man.
You wanna go? Come on.
- Yeah, let's go, cowboy! - You are so lucky I'm naked, pal.
- Shut up.
There's supposed to be a blue field of stars there.
Oh, honey.
Now, if we just start to sway back and forth it'll look like the flag is waving in the wind.
Oh, god.
- There's another guy in a trench coat.
- I bet he's a streaker, too.
Fez, he's with Secret Service.
- How about that man? - Yeah, Secret Service.
- And that man? - Yeah.
And that man with the dog? Yeah.
- The dog is looking at us.
Come here, boy.
- No, Fez! - Man, I just thought of something.
- What? What are we going to do with our trench coats? I mean, after we rip them off, we can't come back here and get them.
- Shucks.
- God, this is all my fault.
You know what? I'll hold the coats.
You guys streak.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
I just thought of something, too.
We're naked, and there's a lot of dogs here.
Maybe we should just sit down.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen the President of the United States of America Gerald R.
Ford! What are you doing hiding over Okay.
Back off.
I am a flag.
- Are you gonna streak? - No, we took a vote and it's unanimous.
We're all very chicken.
That's too bad.
It's been a while since I've seen you naked.
- You've never seen me naked.
- Like a zillion times.
When we were kids, you were always running around the neighborhood naked, screaming, "Wee, wee! Pee, pee!" Now it's time for the "Q" and "A" portion of our program.
First up, I'd like to introduce Red Forman.
Red is a father of two wonderful children and how he's managed to keep them clothed and fed while being cut back to halftime at the plant is beyond me.
But he doesn't blame the President for his misfortune.
No, sir.
He only blames himself.
I give you Red Forman! Mr.
President I I Come on, Red.
Your dad is bombing.
Wee, wee! Pee, pee! Hey, Gerry, here's my question.
How the hell could you pardon Nixon? - Hey, son.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, good job at the rally today.
Not bad.
I kind of stumbled there at the start but I think I nailed him with a good one.
Anyway, it was pretty cool.
Yeah, well sometimes a man's gotta do what he thinks is right.
Yeah, I'm gonna call it a night.
All right, son.
Good night.
Good night, Dad.
And next time, don't wear black socks.
You looked like an ass.
How could they not catch you? I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.
So true.
You didn't see anything, did you? No.
Well maybe just a bit.
But not the bit.
Wait, what do you mean "bit"?