The Addams Family (1964) s01e25 Episode Script

Hey, Thing, how about snapping it up a bit? You know, not all of us are Mozart fans.
Darn it! I was just getting started.
Uncle Fester, please.
I do not like profanity.
I'll get it, Lurch.
- Are you ready for the big finish, querida? - Yes, darling.
I hate to disturb you, but you've got company.
Darling, we have company.
We'll have to finish this later, querida.
I was just passing by and I was transported by your lovely music.
How sweet! It's so nice to have a true music lover in our home.
Gomez Addams here.
This is my wife, Morticia.
How do you do? And this is the genius himself, Lurch.
I haven't heard such music since my mother passed on.
Oh, your mother played the harpsichord? No, they played it at her funeral.
How nice.
Since then, whenever I hear it, I get a flutter right here.
- You need a little bicarb.
- Fester.
Oh, my card.
"Oscar Belmont, Curator of the Fine Arts Museum.
" It's an honor to have a man like you in our simple home.
Oh, I I wouldn't exactly call it simple.
You seem to have some remarkable museum pieces of your own.
- Do you really think so? - Yes, indeed.
This harpsichord, for example.
Most unusual.
It's a genuine 1503 Krupnik.
It was in Cousin Crimp's family for over 400 years.
Cousin Crimp used to love playing it.
Played four-handed pieces on it all by himself.
Beautiful.
It should be on exhibit to inspire all humanity.
- You mean in your museum? - Yes.
But unfortunately we couldn't afford - Say no more.
It's yours.
- But Please.
Please accept it as the Addams' contribution to posterity.
We'll send the truck for it this afternoon.
No.
It may take a little time to prepare Lurch for the shock.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Yes.
- Well, then, Friday? - Friday.
Exquisite.
- He is a music lover, isn't he? - Reminds me of Aunt Trivia.
Was Aunt Trivia a music lover? No.
She just liked to go around kissing harpsichords.
- Well, on to Lurch.
- Oh, yes.
So you see, Lurch, inasmuch as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be us.
It would be you.
We'd even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name you as donor.
What do you say to that? I quit.
Lurch, Lurch, you can't quit.
You're like one of the family.
Think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together.
Think of the children.
Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.
I quit.
Take away my Krupnik.
Lurch, we only meant to do what was right.
You do forgive us, don't you? Well, then, Lurch, smile to show us that there are no hard feelings.
Come, come, Lurch.
Smile.
That's better.
Now turn the end around this way.
That's it.
That's it.
- There you have it.
- All right, you can let it down now.
Thank you, Lurch.
You've been very understanding.
I still don't see why we had to lug this thing all the way down here.
Uncle Fester, dear, I told you.
We have to acclimatize it.
It has to be damp enough to stand the dry air in that sunny museum.
Got you.
Here's the water.
Where do you want it? No, no, no, Uncle Fester.
Not that way.
Put it back.
Put it back.
This way.
Now, there's some for you, and there's some for you, and some for you.
- May May I, Mrs.
Addams? - Why, of course, Lurch.
I can't.
I can't.
Oh, Gomez, I think we wounded him beyond repair.
Cara mia, it's your imagination.
- What's that? - My imagination.
- What's he doing? - He's flipped.
Uncle Fester, I do not like profanity.
But I'm afraid you're right.
We've left Lurch in the lurch.
We must find some way to fill this void in his life.
I could give him Yvette's address.
Who's Yvette? My French pen pal.
With the Folies Bergere.
Lurch needs more than a pen pal.
Okay.
Send her the fare and she'll come over in person.
I think Lurch needs a new cultural interest.
Yes.
Well, if you ever have a problem with me, send for Yvette.
Now you're all set, Lurch.
Hit it! An absolute inspiration, Morticia.
Suits him perfectly.
Come on, Lurch.
Give it the old razzmatazz.
Let yourself go, Lurch.
Just pretend you're in the jungle again, and they're beginning to start the ancient fertility dance.
You can pretend that, can't you, Lurch? I'll try.
I want my harpsichord.
Well, drums didn't go over with much of a bang.
I guess Lurch is just a hopeless longhair.
I don't understand it.
Now then, Lurch, needles go here, and around with the yarn.
Through.
Now you try.
No, Lurch, no.
One piece at a time.
One piece of yarn.
That's it.
And slip it off.
There.
Isn't that fun? Doesn't it take your mind off of your troubles? I thought so.
Now, what would you like to knit first? A harpsichord.
I suppose the only thing that will make Lurch happy is his harpsichord.
That's no problem.
We'll build him one.
Capital idea! But, darling, that would take absolute acoustical perfection, the very essence of mechanical precision, and delicate artistry and woodcarving.
Do you think you can do it? I don't know.
I never tried.
Well, let's see now.
We have the wood, we have the wire, we've got the foot pedals, and 300 felt pads.
Darling, why so many felt pads? Well, if this harpsichord turns out well, we might decide to build a spare.
I do hope Lurch doesn't find out what you're doing down here.
You will work quietly, won't you? Don't worry, Morticia.
I soundproofed the saw, see? No teeth.
Oh.
- But will it work? - Sure.
Watch.
Well, fellow craftsmen, everyone to work.
- Please do hurry.
- Oh, yeah.
We'll do the job.
After all, how long can it take to build a harpsichord? Two days? We'd better be on the safe side.
Make it three.
Whatever you do, don't let Lurch down here.
If he found out what we were doing, he'd be beside himself.
That would make an interesting picture.
Busy, busy, busy.
We will now proceed to build a harpsichord.
- All right.
First I'll measure the old one.
- Good thinking, Fester.
Here we go.
Are you ready? - All right.
It's 36.
- 36.
- You got that? - Yeah.
- 21.
- 21.
And 36.
- 36.
- Yeah.
By george, those are Morticia's measurements exactly.
This is going to be fun.
- Please, it's gonna Take - Come over here, will you? - Take what? - Here.
You know, Gomez, these harpsichords are hard to build.
Thirty-six hours away from you has turned me into a raving maniac.
Well, rave later, dear.
Right now, finish that harpsichord.
- It's almost done.
- Oh, wonderful.
I couldn't keep Lurch away from that playroom another moment.
Just send him on an errand.
When he comes back, voilá! The imitation Krupnik will be in place and he'll not be the wiser.
Wonderful.
- Darling, whatever is that for? - For the strings.
Oh, yes.
They do require delicate tuning.
Oh, do hurry.
Lurch will be here any minute.
There.
What do you think? I think it looks just like the old one.
Even down to those lovely wormholes.
That's a simple matter.
Just an ice pick and a few sharp taps.
We forgot the most important thing.
There! A genuine imitation Krupnik.
Oh, it'll be so nice to see Lurch's old smiling self again.
Surprise! We changed our minds, Lurch.
We told Mr.
Belmont we simply could not part with the harpsichord.
He'll just have to get his own Krupnik.
And that's not going to be easy.
These things aren't built in a day.
Takes three.
- It's all yours, Lurch.
- Forever and ever.
I think we ought to leave Lurch alone with his harpsichord for the rest of the day.
Excellent idea, cara mia.
- We'll spend the afternoon at Lovers' Leap.
- What'll I do there? We'll make love and you'll leap.
- Darling, what about the museum people? - They'll be along tomorrow.
Excellent, that's Lurch's day off.
What marvelous planning.
We should be in Washington.
Come in.
Excuse me.
- You wanted something? - No.
I mean, yes.
Just the harpsichord.
We were supposed to pick it up tomorrow.
But as long as we were in the neighborhood We thought we'd get it today.
But we can come back tomorrow.
Yeah, we can send somebody else tomorrow.
You want my harpsichord? No, we don't want it.
- Mr.
Belmont wants it.
- For the museum.
But it's mine! Sure, sure.
But we have a pickup order.
- Betrayed.
- Not by us.
Look, maybe we're in the wrong place altogether.
- Yeah, the wrong place.
- Stop.
Take it.
- Really? - Take it! Certainly.
By george, it's good to get out.
Yes, it always make you appreciate what you have in your own home.
Hey, do you see what I don't see? - The harpsichord! It's gone! - It can't be! It's gone all right.
- Lurch, where are you going? - What's that in your hand? - Where are you going? - Answer the third question first.
- Yes, where are you going? - Home to Mama.
Nonsense! Easy, Lurch.
You'll lose your pension rights.
Nobody cares about me.
- Of course we care about you, Lurch.
- We all love you.
Now, let's not get sickening.
I like you, Lurch, but I don't love you.
Besides, Lurch, you have to give us two weeks' notice.
And think, Lurch, where will you ever find another home like this? You could wind up butling luncheons at the Optimist Club.
Think how that would crush your spirit.
- I'm going.
- All right.
But I have to warn you, I'm an attorney.
I can hit you with a restraining order.
- Gomez, you can't do that.
- I can't? How about habeas corpus? Nonsense, darling.
I think we can settle this out of court.
That's right, Lurch.
Just go upstairs, unpack your suitcase and put away your undies.
We'll take care of everything.
- Those big fellows sure come unglued fast.
- Poor man.
His whole world crumbled when he lost his harpsichord.
Morticia, could the museum have come here and taken the wrong instrument on the wrong day? It's a possibility.
Why don't we call them? See if they'll send it back? Good thinking.
Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge.
Lead the way.
That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.
- Oh? When he led his men into battle? - Off his sinking ship.
Hello, Fine Arts Museum? This is Mrs.
Addams.
I'd like to report a ghastly error.
I believe some of your men came over this afternoon and removed the wrong harpsichord.
You don't say.
You don't say! - What do they say? - You heard her.
They don't say.
That's unbelievable.
Well, I don't blame you.
I think you did exactly the right thing.
Goodbye.
- You won't believe it.
- I'll believe it.
You know that nice Mr.
Belmont? Well, he isn't nice at all.
He isn't even with the museum.
He's a notorious crook.
- A crook? - Yes.
He tried to sell your homemade harpsichord to the museum - for $15,000.
- What happened? Well, of course they took one look at it and had him arrested.
Well, it wasn't that bad.
Well, of course not, Uncle Fester, but after all, a Krupnik is a Krupnik.
Is a Krupnik.
It's fate.
Our beloved harpsichord is destined to remain in this house.
It's good to have the old Krupnik back again, isn't it? Uncle Fester, what are you making now? I'm making a petit point saddlebag for Mama's broom.
How nice.
That old harpsichord sounds magnificent, doesn't it? Yes, darling.
Whatever happened to the one you built? Left it at The Midnight Mission.
You'd be surprised how many music lovers they have down there.
- And what about Mr.
Belmont? - His trial comes up in three weeks.
- He'll get ten years.
- Why, querida? I'm defending him.
- I'm glad.
- You're glad? Yes, he ought to get life, and with you defending him, he will.