The Affair (2014) s04e10 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 10
1 Previously on The Affair [NOAH.]
She seemed like the loneliest girl in the world.
[ALISON.]
You know, some days, I-I'm proud of the life that I've built.
And then, sometimes, it just feels like a giant charade, and this is all a joke I've been playing on myself, this life that I am trying to live.
Go home to your fucking wife.
[GRUNTING AND GROANING.]
[JAMES.]
They found her body.
She drowned herself.
[NOAH.]
I saw her, and she was pretty beat up.
- She had her head was - [JEFFRIES.]
Lacerations.
Right, all consistent with striking - against these rocks.
- [COLE.]
What about Ben? [JEFFRIES.]
He has an alibi.
It checks out.
[COLE.]
What did you say to her? [BEN.]
I don't know what the fuck you're asking.
I'm asking you what you said that made her want to kill herself.
Why don't you take a look in the fucking mirror! - Why didn't you do something?! - Stop it! You had her in your hands, and you let her go.
Why? [HELEN.]
I took a pregnancy test this morning.
You're entering menopause, Helen.
Don't you think I'm too young to be in menopause? Don't you think I'm too young to die? Where you going? To my women's moon circle.
I invited you.
I just had this intuition that you really needed some guidance.
I fucked a married man.
I really like his wife, so it was a stupid thing to do.
I wish I had your life.
I mean, you have a whole world that literally couldn't live without you.
I'm feeling like Vik isn't listening to me.
I'm feeling like I want him to get treatment.
What he needs you for, the one thing you can give him that no one else in the world can, is your love.
Helen.
I don't want you to die.
I don't want to die, either.
I was screaming into the canyon At the moment of my death The echo I created Outlasted my last breath My voice it made an avalanche And buried a man I never knew And when he died, his widowed bride Met your daddy and they made you I have only one thing to do And that's be the wave that I am, and then Sink back into the ocean I have only one thing to do And that's be the wave that I am, and then Sink back into the ocean I have only one thing to do And that's be the wave that I am, and then Sink back into the ocean, sink back into the ocean Sink back into the o Sink back into the ocean Sink back into the o Sink back into the ocean Sink back into the ocean [A CAPPELLA GROUP VOCALIZING INTRO TO "WHAT SARAH SAID".]
And it came to me then That every plan Is a tiny prayer To Father Time As I stared at my shoes In the ICU That reeked of piss And 409 And I rationed my breaths As I said to myself That I'd already taken too much today Hey, Cole, uh do me a favor, man.
When-when you get this, give me a call.
I'd really like to help with the arrangements.
Took you a little farther Away from me Hey, man.
You look great.
- Surprised? - [NOAH CHUCKLES.]
- You ready? - Yeah.
Let's do this.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [ARIEL.]
Okay! Good morning, good morning.
[CHATTER QUIETS.]
So [CLEARS THROAT.]
in a move designed to keep you all on the very tips of your toes, I read your stories from last week in an uncharacteristically timely fashion.
Some were very, very good, while others well, all I can say is I hope the rest of your classes are going well.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
- But before we commence, let me call your attention to our special guest.
This gentlemen here is Noah fucking Solloway.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ARIEL.]
Noah fucking Solloway, indeed.
The man wholly responsible for the fact that I smoked Parliament Lights for nearly two decades because in college he made it look so tragically cool.
Mr.
Solloway, can I just fanboy out for a second? I mean, you're the reason why I became a writer.
I'm happy to hear it.
I love the way you write women.
You do? Alana's my favorite, like, contemporary character.
When she gives that speech at the end of Descent about feeling like a figment of other people's imagination how'd you know that? Yeah, seriously.
Uh, well, to be honest, writing character is all about listening to people.
And, uh, the place I really learned to listen was in a seminar like this one a million years ago, with Ariel sitting next to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Noah has with him today a prospective student.
Uh, guys, this is Antony.
Anton.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
You can call me Antony if you want.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ARIEL.]
Anton is visiting from L.
A.
Where else you looking, bro? Um, just here, actually.
Couple state colleges in California.
I'm from Chicago, South Side.
We should talk after class.
We shall, man.
That'd be cool.
[FEMALE STUDENT.]
Before he entirely turns you off, this place isn't so bad.
It's pretty woke.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- My God, Gabby.
What? We have a residential college named for a segregationist.
And the School of Public Policy.
Yeah, but we fought like hell - to get his name removed.
- We didn't win.
- We got the mural taken down.
- Oh, the mural.
What a win.
Oh, hey.
I didn't see you at the protest, Zac.
I had rehearsal.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- It's cool, guys.
I actually really like it here.
Okay, so then let's get going.
May our pens be our swords.
Today's prompt is a quote from Whitman.
This one's for you.
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then.
I contradict myself.
I am large.
I contain multitudes.
" Write a character sketch of a person who has a contradiction.
A paradox.
Show, don't tell.
You have 15 minutes.
Uh, can I borrow a couple - pieces of paper? - Mm-hmm.
- [PAPER TEARING.]
- [ANTON.]
Thank you.
How you holding up? How's Joanie? Yeah.
I don't know what you tell her, either.
Me? Yeah.
Sure.
No, I'd love to.
I don't know.
I'll think about it.
Maybe something from a book she loved.
Yeah.
Okay, is there anything else you need? I'll be there tomorrow morning.
Uh, he's great.
He's, uh I think he likes it here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Will do.
You, too.
Oh.
- Hey, stranger.
- Hey.
Damn, Hoffman.
Leaves of Grass.
Diving deep.
Thank you for this.
Stop.
Are you kidding? I was thrilled to hear from you.
What's it been, 20 years? No.
Can't be.
I was at your last book party.
- You were? - Yeah.
Brooklyn Heights? The one about the sisters, Siamese twins? That was three books ago.
What? God, you were always so prolific.
You say it as if it's a bad thing.
It's not a bad thing.
It's just emasculating.
Uh, if I remember correctly, you're hard to emasculate.
So, this is nice.
What you're doing for this kid.
Yeah, well, he's, you know he's he's very talented.
He just needs a a way in.
- He's your student? - Mm-hmm.
Where? At a charter school in South L.
A.
I didn't realize you moved to California.
When did that happen? Well, Helen's boyfriend got a fancy job in L.
A.
, so I Wait.
What? You guys split? - Yeah.
You didn't know? - When? Years ago.
I mean, well, it was in the news.
You don't read the paper? Not if I can help it.
I read novels mostly.
Memoir, if pressed.
You haven't changed at all.
Wow.
Noah and Helen.
Requiescat in pace.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I thought you guys were gonna last forever.
You were campus celebrities.
Yeah, well plans change.
They really do.
So, what happened? Was it her dad? You remember him? I remember that she thought she kind of thought she was slumming it with you and you thought you found your golden goose.
Damn, Ariel.
You really were paying attention.
Well, I had a crush.
I spent most of college waiting for an opening, but it never came.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'd say you dodged a bullet.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Looking back, I could have predicted that.
I think you had the world a little bit too much at your fingertips, didn't you? Yeah, I was a I was an asshole for a long time, but What about you? I mean, chair of the English department.
Multiple best sellers.
Things worked out pretty well.
I had a cancer scare last year.
I'm fine they cut it out but I am feeling pretty lucky these days.
I have this new boyfriend.
He's a composer, Brazilian.
- Hot.
- Yeah, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Kids? No.
Never had time.
Biggest regret.
You? Yeah.
I've got four of them.
What? Jesus, Helen, nice work.
Yeah, I don't see too much of them, but I try.
Did you ever remarry? Yeah, I did.
Oh? Tell me about her.
Well, she's, uh She's dead.
She died.
Just a few days ago.
Noah Wh-What are you even doing here? Uh what do you mean? Uh are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm I mean, I'm sad, obviously, but, uh - I'm fine.
- [CELL PHONE ALARM RINGING.]
Shall we? Okay, guys, that's time.
So Who wants to start us off? Anton, how about you? You don't have to.
Hey, I'll read.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay.
Here goes.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
"You can tell he used to be kind of cool when he was younger.
Something about the way he wears his jeans.
Or maybe it's the way he carries himself with a certain swagger.
Most of the teachers, they were there because they had to be.
And we knew that.
But not him.
He was a big-time author.
He was there because he wanted to be.
Because he cared so much about us.
Because he was a good man.
He'd wave George Orwell around like they were peers and weep over Eliot.
I had never seen anybody cry over a poem before.
I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.
So smart, so worldly.
Wanted to have that kind of grace resting on my shoulders.
To move through the world like it was a woman who belonged to me.
We took a trip together.
He didn't have to do it, but he offered.
Because he believes in me.
He believes in my future.
Also, he's fucking my mother.
But that doesn't matter, because he cares.
Look how he parts the seas for a boy like me to walk right into Canaan.
He's got kids of his own, you know.
He never really talks about them.
Makes you kind of wonder why.
Nothing affects him.
Everything seems to roll right off of his back.
Everything is hard for me.
I put on a good act, but on the inside, I'm checking every gesture, every facial expression.
I stand in front of the mirror at night, and I practice how to smile.
Not too much; just the right amount.
Do you have to be white to move through the world like that, with that kind of confidence, or is it something else? Some kind of sociopathy, maybe.
Is there really a difference?" That's all I have.
[APPLAUSE.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
[BUZZING STOPS.]
[ANTON.]
Yo.
Mr.
Solloway.
You okay? No, I'm not okay, Anton.
What the fuck was that? - What? In class? - Yes, in class.
I'm busting my ass for you.
I've driven across the entire fucking country to bring you here, and all this time, that's what you think of me? I thought you'd be proud.
Are you insane? I did well in there.
I kicked ass, actually.
I'm definitely getting back in.
- And that's all you care about? - Look, I wrote that piece because I knew that's what they wanted.
And they ate that shit up.
- What are you talking about? - I mean, they started the class talking about fucking segregation.
Okay, I heard that, and I was like, "Okay.
I understand the role y'all want me to play.
" Jesus Christ.
When in Rome, right? You can't take people's lives, Anton.
You can't fucking use people to get what you want.
That's that-that is fucking sociopathic behavior.
I thought that was called being a writer.
Well, you don't understand the first thing about being a writer.
Really? So, Descent, Alana, that wasn't about your dead wife? Fuck you.
- Noah, what are you even doing here? - I'm trying to help you.
That's what I'm fucking doing here.
Okay, but your wife, she just died.
Shouldn't you be there? You shouldn't be here, okay? This is it's weird.
Wow, that's a hell of a way to say thank you.
[A CAPPELLA GROUP VOCALIZING.]
Look, it's late.
We better get to the airport.
Actually thought I'd stick around for a couple hours, check out the campus some more.
Yeah, well, I promised your mother I'd put you - back on a plane, so let's go.
- Hey, look.
See this? It's called an iPhone.
Okay, it has maps and a clock and this thing called the Internet.
And I can call a cab whenever I want.
I'm 19 years old.
I'll be fine.
You sure? Sure.
You should take care of yourself.
- It's been a long week.
- Yeah.
I need to buy a fucking suit.
There's got to be a Brooks Brothers around here somewhere.
This place is like a fucking mall.
So, you gonna go? I might.
Hey, Noah.
[QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Seriously.
I had fun.
Sorry about Alison.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Me, too.
[QUIET CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
[LUISA.]
Cole? You okay? Baby, we don't want to be late.
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT PROGRAM PLAYING OVER TV.]
[LUISA.]
Hey, Cole.
Can you help me with this, please? Thank you.
Um, I put the candles in the trunk.
The votives Athena asked for? [TV STOPS PLAYING.]
I was watching that.
We should get you dressed.
[SIGHS.]
Want me to unpack these for you? No, I'll take care of it later.
But you've been back two days.
Exactly.
It's only been two days.
But you're planning to unpack, right? I mean, eventually? [TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Look, Cole, I don't want to have a big conversation right now, but I need to know your plans, - what to tell Joanie.
- I have no idea what to tell Joanie.
That her mother just killed herself? Should I start with that? I just need a second, please.
Please, I just need to get dressed, and I need to bury Alison, and then we can talk for as long as you like.
We can talk all night if you want.
Okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
This land is your land This land is my land - From California - [TURN SIGNAL TICKING.]
- [JOANIE.]
To the New York island - Wait, baby, where are you going? To the church.
No, Athena moved the service to the beach.
Why didn't you tell me? I did.
[SIGHS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL, HORN HONKS.]
[HORN HONKING.]
This land is your land This land is my land [JOANIE JOINS IN.]
From California To the New York island From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream waters [QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[QUIET, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Nice turnout, huh? It's a fucking clown car.
[ATHENA.]
traditional mourning color in China.
You know, purity, which I think is more important than What the fuck, Athena? [SIGHS.]
[BOTH SIGH.]
[SOFTLY.]
Cole.
Thank you for being here, Cole.
Where else would I be? Alison's at peace now.
Don't you think? What is that? That's our Alison.
I told you I wanted to bury her.
I understand that's what you wanted, Cole, but this is what she would have wanted.
A beaching ceremony.
After the service, everyone will get a little bit of Alison's ashes to bury in the sand, and then we meditate, we sing, we celebrate, as we wait for the tide to rise and wash her back into the sea.
[SOBBING.]
Doesn't that sound like something Alison would have loved? She would have hated this.
Alison hated the ocean.
And we agreed that she was going to be buried in my family's plot next to Gabriel.
But, Cole, sweetheart, why would we bury her with your family? She's my daughter.
She's my wife.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My darling, I'm sorry for your loss.
Okay, we should get started.
Let's get started, everyone.
[QUIET, AMBIENT MUSIC.]
Thank you all for coming.
Oh, my darlings.
I haven't prepared a eulogy.
I don't, um, believe that memorials should be dictatorships with one voice.
How can I speak to the Alison you knew when she was with you? To you? You all deserve a chance to say good-bye in your own way.
And so [SIGHS.]
before we, um, distribute ashes for the beaching ceremony, we'll pass her around and hold her one last time.
And when she comes to you you hold her close to your heart and say good-bye.
I'll begin.
If I can.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my baby.
I remember [SNIFFS.]
God, one time when you were little, you brought home a a lizard tail.
Just the tail.
You learned about regeneration in school, and you were sure that life could work backwards.
That this tail could regenerate the beast.
Oh, I wish I could regenerate you now, my girl.
But I know that's selfish.
That that would stop my pain.
You, my darling, who had so much pain in your short life, you're finally at peace.
Oh, Jesus, this is difficult.
Alison, you were magic.
You were light.
You You made me believe that anything and everything is possible.
You were wild.
You were brave.
You You took nothing for granted.
[SNIFFS.]
And you made me see the world with new eyes.
With wonder.
Where does that spirit go now? I don't understand.
How could you of all people be gone? You were, uh You were so empathetic, so concerned with the suffering of others, including me.
[ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[WOMAN.]
Cole.
[QUIET SIGH.]
[HYPNOTIC, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
[COUGHS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
So, what's the plan here? There is no plan.
[SIGHS.]
Funerals bring out the worst in people.
Alison's gone, Cole.
It doesn't matter where she's buried.
So, why not just let Athena have her moment as chief mourner so we can all go home to a more private grief? No.
You're not the only one who loved her.
Don't I know it.
Look, Cole I know you're in pain.
And you may not want to hear this right now, but so are the rest of us.
We're all reeling.
And that ceremony, it It meant a great deal to Athena, who is her mother.
You know [SIGHS.]
if she was still my wife, I would have got to choose what happened to the body, and nobody would've questioned it.
I'm sorry.
Why'd you do it? Why her? I was unhappy.
Did she make you happy? She made me happy.
[QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
How many times you think we've had sex? I have no fucking idea.
Ten thousand? Yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
- What about you? - [SHUSHES.]
Just hold my hand.
[GASPS.]
[CHERRY.]
Oh.
Did I scare you? [GROANS.]
No.
No.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Athena sent you? She must really be getting desperate.
Athena didn't send me.
I brought you something to eat.
And I thought you might be a little cold.
Yeah.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Chicken salad from the memorial.
I'm not hungry.
I know, but you have to eat something.
[SIGHS.]
How are you feeling? I feel terrible.
I know, honey.
It takes time.
How did you do it? When Dad died, how did you move on? Did I? I'm glad you think so.
I always hoped for you and your brothers that I was strong and that you felt safe.
Because inside phew.
After he killed himself, I broke five watch bands in the span of two weeks.
I was always pulling at them.
Yanking at my wrists, trying to figure out what to do with all my anger.
It takes time.
I was coming back for her.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
I drove across the entire country to come and get her, but I was too late.
I am always too late.
Oh, baby.
It isn't your fault.
None of this was.
I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with this.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
I don't think I can carry it.
- You can.
- What if I can't? - I know you can.
- But what if I can't? Dad couldn't.
And I get it now.
Oh, I mean, to just go to sleep, to to never wake up in pain again.
I know.
Here's the thing.
You're not like your dad.
You're not a Lockhart.
You're a McGinty.
You're like me.
You're a survivor.
You're a fighter.
You told me I am exactly like Dad.
Well, if I did, then I was wrong.
- No, but - Sweetie, there are people in the world like your father.
Like Alison.
Magical, special people.
And we love them for their sensitive souls, and we love them for burning so brightly.
But I think I always knew your father was ephemeral, even before he I mean, that's why I sent him to California.
That's why I let him have Nan.
'Cause I-I knew somehow, deep inside, I couldn't keep him forever.
He wasn't solid, like you and me.
He was made of too much air.
So you knew about Nan.
Then you sent me out there to find her? - Why? - I don't know, Cole.
I think I wanted you to see that life is God, I it's messy, honey.
And you've had more mess, more tragedy in your life than most people.
And your answer, like mine, is to try and take control, and sometimes you just can't.
And I want to tell you that the worst of it is just behind you and that it's it's all gonna get better from here on out.
And I hope it does.
Baby, it might not, and All I've ever wanted, all that I wish for you, is for you to know you're strong and you can survive.
So you can be the shelter for Joanie the way I tried to shelter you.
[COLE TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Oh, not everyone gets to grow old, Cole, but if I had to bet I would say that you will.
And the sooner that you understand that as the great, radical gift it is, the sooner that you start to think of what you have instead of what you've lost the happier you and your little girl are gonna be.
[DRONING, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Is Joanie asleep? Yep.
Thank you.
I love her.
I know you do.
Whatever happened to those hardship papers? I think we should get 'em filed.
[SIGHS.]
It's too late.
No, we're done.
Luisa, I'm sorry.
Cole, just listen to me for once.
We're done.
I know we're done.
And I'm sorry for everything that I said.
And I'm sorry for the things that I've done.
You deserve better than that.
We don't have to split up.
We can stay married.
At least on paper.
And we'll make you Joanie's legal guardian, and we'll finally get you your citizenship.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
[CHUCKLES.]
What are we gonna tell Joanie? Right now I think I I'd just like to take her on a little trip.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Just the two of us, to get away from here for a little while.
When she gets back, she's gonna need all the love she can get.
And she needs you, Luisa.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
What does that mean? [SIGHS.]
You know what? I think we should we should go to bed tonight, and, uh I'll help Joanie pack tomorrow.
[SIGHS.]
[JOANIE.]
When we get to our vacation, will Mommy be there? Nope.
Just gonna be you and me, kiddo.
Where is Mommy? Some people think that when you die your soul goes up to Heaven.
And some people think that you get to come back as a different person or even an animal.
But what about you? Where do you think Mommy is? [SIGHS.]
I wish I knew, kiddo.
But I do know that she will always be here.
And whenever you miss her, all we have to do is think about her and remember her, and that way, she will always be with us.
As I went walking That ribbon of highway - [JOANIE HUMMING ALONG.]
- I saw above me That endless skyway I saw below me That golden valley This land was made for you and me [JOANIE CONTINUES HUMMING.]
[CONTINUES HUMMING.]
[QUIET, AMBIENT MUSIC.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING AND SQUAWKING.]
[MEDICAL MONITOR BEEPING.]
[VIK GRUNTS.]
I'll send in Dr.
Woo.
[VIK.]
Thank you.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
[QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Helen.
Hmm? You're hurting me.
Oh.
Sorry.
This place is kind of a mess, huh? How do you feel? I'm cold.
[MUTTERS QUIETLY.]
I got you.
- How's that? - Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
I love you.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
Good news, Vik.
- The cholecystitis has subsided.
- [VIK.]
Oh.
Morning, Doc.
- Helen, can you, uh ? - Yeah.
[DR.
WOO.]
The ultrasound of your right confirms what the lab results indicate.
Your leukocyte count and your bilirubin levels have come significantly down.
Your amylase and your lipase levels have normalized, too.
Oh.
Wow.
What does that mean? Well, it means he got lucky.
We caught the cholecystitis quickly.
So I can go home.
I want to keep you here for another day or two, but if you're not febrile in 24 hours, I'll send you home on Friday.
Thanks, Doc.
[DR.
WOO.]
Uh, but listen.
Now that this current crisis is averted, I want to talk to you again about treatment.
If you continue to go untreated, I guarantee you you will be back here with something much worse.
Thrombophlebitis.
Perforated stomach lining.
S-Something that you just cannot bounce back from.
- You're metastatic.
- I know that.
Right, so you would also know that we typically like to treat metastatic patients very aggressively.
I'm past surgery, Kristina.
That's not an option for me.
Chemo could shrink this tumor.
And how much time would that actually buy me? Conservatively, six to nine months.
And here's the thing.
Treatment will improve your quality of life.
Look, Vik.
I have seen this before.
There's a reason they say that doctors make the worst patients.
We all have God complexes.
And when we get sick, we're fucking pissed.
I understand that.
But you know what? You obviously have someone in your life that loves you very much, and they want you to stick around, so forgive me for what I'm about to say, but I've known you for, what, almost 20 years? You're being an asshole.
This is exactly why we broke up, Kristina.
You've got a potty mouth.
[DR.
WOO.]
Why don't you two talk it over? It was nice to see you again, Helen.
Nice to see you, Kristina.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Why did you two break up? She matched in L.
A.
I matched in New York.
We were 26.
We thought we had all the time in the world.
She was wonderful, though.
She still is.
I mean, I think she had to go out of her way to treat you.
She had to move a lot of stuff around.
Yeah.
So, do you want to talk about, uh all that? Can we do it later? When I come home? Sure.
That's fine.
No problem.
Your parents are on their way over anyway.
I was gonna run home and just, um, take a shower, change my clothes.
Yeah, you should.
- I'll be fine.
- Okay.
- Helen.
- Yeah.
I hate putting you through this.
I never wanted to be a burden on anyone.
Stop.
[KNOCKING AT WINDOW.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
How is he? He's better.
Uh, he's better.
Apparently, the infection in his gallbladder's, um receding? Is that the word? His gallbladder? I-I thought this was - cancer of the pancreas.
- It is.
But apparently, the tumor in the pancreas is putting pressure on the gallbladder, and there's been some kind of bi bile buildup.
I don't really understand, but you could ask, um, his doctor when she gets here, Kristina Woo.
I think you know her.
What? Kristina is here to take care of him? - Who? - Kristina, Abdul.
Little Kristina from Stanford.
Oh, his girlfriend? Well, ex-girlfriend, but yeah.
[ABDUL.]
Oh, praise Heaven.
Well, I've also been taking care of him, - you know - Kristina will help him.
Yes, she will get him the medicine he needs.
[ABDUL.]
She got a perfect score on her medical boards.
Absolutely perfect.
Not one mistake.
Well, it was perfect.
Okay.
Well, I have to go home 'cause I still have some vomit on me from when Never mind.
I'm just gonna I'll see you this evening.
You should go and take care of yourself, Helen.
You look tired.
Surprise! Whitney.
Whitney.
- Hi! - Hi.
Hey there, Colin.
What are you doing here? We came to surprise you.
Oh, that's nice.
What about school? It's Thanksgiving.
Is it? Oh, God.
Yeah, of course.
It's November.
- Right.
- So, where is everybody? Um, your brother and sister are with your dad, and, uh, Martin went to the Cape with Mariah.
No, he didn't.
They broke up.
- They did? - Mm-hmm.
- When? - Last week.
He's coming, too.
He'll be here in a few days.
Hey, I'm so happy that we get to spend Thanksgiving together, all four of us again.
And I was thinking, what if we invited Dad this year? Do you think Vik would mind? Mom, are you okay? I'm just really happy to have you home.
- That's all.
- Oh, my God.
Mom, come on.
Don't cry.
I told Colin you are a total ball-buster and that's why I'm so fucked up.
Now he's gonna think I'm lying.
It's nice to see you again, Mrs.
Solloway.
[SIGHS.]
It's nice to see you, Colin.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Are you guys hungry? Do you want something to eat? I'll make you an omelet or something.
Mom, we're vegans.
Fuck.
Right.
I keep forgetting.
So, what does that mean? I have to pick up almond milk or ? Yeah, don't worry.
We'll make our own.
You'll make your own almond milk? Totally.
We stopped at Whole Foods and got some stuff already.
Well, that's one less thing to worry about.
Uh, you guys, the place is yours.
Colin, there's a really nice pool there - if you want to take a swim.
- This place is sick, Mrs.
Solloway.
Thanks.
I like it, too.
So, uh, is it just us tonight? Are Trevor and Stacey coming? I was thinking of making saag paneer for Vik.
I'm taking this Indian cooking course, and I'm kind of good.
No, she's really good.
Yeah, I am.
Hashtag "humble brag.
" I'm really good.
Actually, Vik's not gonna be here tonight.
He's in the hospital.
Come on, tell him to beg off early.
I'm only here for a couple days.
Tell him, like, punt the surgery.
Is Vik a surgeon? You didn't tell me that.
Yeah, he is.
He's, like, a super-surgeon.
Whit, actually, he's not at the hospital.
He's in the hospital.
Uh, he's sick.
What? What do you mean? I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I meant to tell you.
You should have told me what? Vik has cancer.
What? It's stage four.
S-So is he is he gonna ? Yeah.
No.
- Yeah.
- No.
Look, I'm sorry.
I really didn't want you to find out this way.
I-I-I wanted to call you a while ago, but you just seemed so happy, - and I didn't want to ruin that.
- What the fuck is wrong with you? - With me? - This is why Trevor and Stacey have been such zombies when I've talked to them on the phone.
God, Helen, you are so fucking irresponsible.
- Whitney.
- Just once, one time, I'd like to come home to some fucking normalcy for a change.
I have my shit together.
Why can't you? Can you please this time just not? Not what? Be a bitch.
I'm really sorry that this isn't the reality that you thought you were walking into at this particular moment, but that's this is what's going on.
This is what is going on.
Did you just call me a bitch? - [SLIDING DOOR OPENS.]
- [SIERRA.]
Hello.
- Oh - [SIERRA.]
Anyone home? Hi, Sierra.
- Hi.
- How are you? I'm good.
Um, oh, my God.
Is this your daughter? Um, yes, this is my daughter and her boyfriend, and this is my friend, Sierra.
- Hey.
- [SIERRA.]
Hi.
Oh, my God.
It's so great to finally meet you.
Mom, can we not do this right now? - Do what? - Meet someone.
I-I need to talk to you.
Is this a bad time? I can come back.
Why don't you just give me a moment with my friend, and you guys can go fuck in the spare guest room or something.
[SCOFFS.]
God, this is so fucking typical, Helen.
Can you please stop calling me Helen? You never change, do you? Sorry about that, Mrs.
Solloway.
She's, um just started a new birth control, and it's making her, you know, kind of mad.
It's fine, Colin.
I'm used to it.
Wow.
She is a force.
Yeah.
That she is.
I brought this for you.
It's called a white butterfly.
What's the occasion? No occasion.
I've just been thinking about how blessed I am to have you in my life.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Are you okay? You look tired.
No, I'm fine.
I, um I-I can't stop thinking about what happened between us in the desert.
Yeah.
- Um - Have you been avoiding me? No.
No, no, that's not it at all.
Okay.
Um, good, because I-I have something to tell you.
Yeah, can it wait? Uh, no, not not really.
It's just that, uh, Vik is in the hospital.
Wh-Why? Because he has cancer and he's not treating it, so the tumor won't stop growing, and now it's pressing against his gallbladder, which, of course, is infected because why can't anything ever be just okay for one fucking minute? Helen, I'm I'm so sorry.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
It's his mom.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello, Priya.
What? I don't No, you're gonna have to slow down.
I don't understand what you're saying.
Septic? Are you sure? Okay.
Yes, all right, I'm on my way.
Yes, no, I'm leaving now.
Now.
Is everything okay? Uh, no.
I have to go.
Well, let me drive you.
No, I'm okay.
Helen please let me help you.
I-I want to help you.
Sierra, you know what happened in the desert, that was a one-time thing with us, right? - I'm with Vik.
I-I can't just be - Yes.
I know.
Where are your keys? I'm driving.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[TENSE, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Hi.
Can I help you? Uh, there's already two visitors, so you can't - go in right now.
- What's going on in there? - I'm sorry, who are you? - I'm - And where are your visitor passes? - Mine is right Fuck, mine, it must have slipped off.
- [NURSE.]
You both need passes.
- I need to go in there.
His mother just called me.
I'm sorry, but if you're not - immediate family, you cannot go in.
- I am.
I'm his wife.
Great.
So then go to the front desk, where your name is surely on the list, and get a pass.
Maybe I can go to the desk and get passes for both of us, - and then she can go in right now.
- Who are you? - I'm her friend.
- [NURSE.]
You're not related to him? - No, not exactly.
- Then you need to go.
Yeah, maybe you should just go, okay? Okay, but I I would just like - [RETCHING.]
- [NURSE.]
Are you sick? This guy's already septic.
Are you trying to kill him? I was here an hour ago, and he was fine.
What happened? His immune system is hanging on by a thread.
- If you have the slightest cold - I'm not sick.
Well, you shouldn't even be in this hallway.
If you both don't leave, - I'm gonna have to call security.
- I'm not sick.
I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant? Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you.
Why are you trying to tell me? I'm so sorry.
What? It was an accident.
It was one time, and it didn't mean anything.
I don't, like, love him or anything.
I mean, if there's anyone I love, it's-it's you.
Is this some kind of joke? - I know this is a shock.
- Is that why you bought me - that fucking orchid? - It was a shock to me, too.
And I know that this is such bad timing, but, Helen, I-I I want to keep it.
I want to be a mother.
Everything you said to me in the desert, it resonated so deeply with me.
And it's like you said to me what I've been waiting to hear my whole life, and I [TENSE, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[GROANING.]
Oh, God.
You sound so old.
You didn't used to groan when you sat down.
Why are we sitting down here? There's a perfectly good bench over there.
I wanted to be low to the ground.
Do you want one? Got one for you.
No, thanks.
What happened? Where are the kids? I dropped them at your place.
With Whitney and the new boyfriend.
Oh, yeah.
He seems nice enough.
Yeah, he's okay.
She's exactly the same.
Yeah.
What did we do wrong there? Helen, she's a kid.
We were already married by the time we were her age.
Yeah, well, we were kids, too.
Vik okay? No.
Vik is going to die.
I'm so sorry.
Yep.
Me, too.
I'm really, really sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Did you ever meet our neighbor, Sierra? - Don't think so, no.
- Well, she's pregnant.
- That's nice for her.
- With Vik's baby.
What? Oh, God.
Helen.
Look, Vik's not in his right mind now, you know? Look, it's already I don't care.
I really don't care.
Look, I fucked her, too.
Really? What, and I missed it? [LAUGHS.]
Eh.
I just can't go back up there.
I can't face him like this.
Well, you're pissed with him, right? No, that's not why I can't face him.
I don't know if I love him.
I mean, the way I'm supposed to.
You know I love him enough.
What does that mean? Not the way I loved you.
Helen, we were We were young.
We hadn't fucked up yet.
It's just so much easier to feel deeply for someone when there's no defenses or Baggage? Well, yeah.
[SIGHS.]
God, poor Alison.
How was her funeral? Ah, it was awful.
Right.
No, they, uh her mother had her cremated, so the ceremony was on the beach, and Cole grabbed the urn and ran away with it.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - No.
Oh, my God.
Everybody's so fucking crazy.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I miss her, you know.
I Can't stop thinking about how much I failed her and [SIGHS.]
how badly I fucked up.
[SIGHS.]
[TAKING DEEP BREATHS.]
You know, what happened to her wasn't your fault.
[SCOFFS.]
You think? No, I'm sure.
[GRUNTS.]
[SNIFFS.]
How's Vik holding up? He's not good.
I mean, it's like It's like the light has gone out of his eyes.
Like somebody just drew curtains.
I've never seen anything like it.
Why doesn't he get any treatment? I don't know.
I You know, he doesn't think it'll work.
The doctors say it might work.
Maybe I should have tried harder.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just I don't I don't know.
Can I tell you something awful? What? I used Vik to get over you.
I mean, I was so afraid to be alone, and he just breezed into my life, and it was so easy.
He didn't ask anything of me.
He took care of himself.
He helped me with the kids.
Everything was so much easier, and I did not want to let go of that, and now I feel like I wasted the last years of his life, because he could have met someone who loved him, who really loved him, who could have brought her whole self to him, not some kind of fucking broken Stop, okay? Seriously, stop.
That's enough.
You are a lot of things, Helen.
You are neurotic and-and overbearing, and you're snobby, and you're judgmental - and-and superior, but - Are you gonna stop? But you you are not broken.
I don't know anyone who's tougher than you.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yeah, well, I mean it.
And I know you love Vik.
I-I've been watching you both for however many years.
You love each other.
Maybe it's not the same as it was with us, but who gives a fuck? Where is it written that love should be exactly the same every time? And now he's dying, and there's nothing you can do about it.
And I know that that is terrifying.
I know that's the worst feeling in the whole world.
But I gotta say, I if there's one person I would want to be with when I die, if there's one person who would make me feel, no matter what, that I was safe and that I was loved, it'd be you.
Okay, that really is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Helen.
We are so fucking lucky to be alive.
I-I think about this all the time these days.
We are just so fucking lucky to be alive.
[MEDICAL MONITOR BEEPING QUIETLY.]
[SIGHS.]
That was scary.
Yeah, it was.
I didn't realize how painful it would get.
I have to say something to you.
I'm so sorry.
For what? I should have listened to you.
I should have gotten treatment.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Stop.
We We did the best we could.
I've seen death.
I always knew it was coming.
I I thought I knew what it was.
But when it finally happens to you, you you're not ready.
You're not dead.
You're still here.
I'm by myself now.
I'm on the other side.
Don't say that.
You're alive.
And I miss you.
I just I just want to be back, where you are.
With you.
And the kids.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to go.
I want more days.
I want more life.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Tell him now.
What? He's awake.
Tell him.
["WHAT SARAH SAID" BY DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
And it came to me then That every plan Is a tiny prayer To Father Time As I stared at my shoes In the ICU That reeked of piss And 409 And I rationed my breaths As I said to myself That I'd already taken too much today As each descending peak On the LCD Took you a little farther away from me Away from me 'Cause there's no comfort In the waiting room Just nervous paces Bracing for bad news And then the nurse comes round And everyone lifts their head But I'm thinking of What Sarah said That love is watching Someone die So who's gonna watch you die? So who's gonna watch you die? So who's gonna watch you die?
She seemed like the loneliest girl in the world.
[ALISON.]
You know, some days, I-I'm proud of the life that I've built.
And then, sometimes, it just feels like a giant charade, and this is all a joke I've been playing on myself, this life that I am trying to live.
Go home to your fucking wife.
[GRUNTING AND GROANING.]
[JAMES.]
They found her body.
She drowned herself.
[NOAH.]
I saw her, and she was pretty beat up.
- She had her head was - [JEFFRIES.]
Lacerations.
Right, all consistent with striking - against these rocks.
- [COLE.]
What about Ben? [JEFFRIES.]
He has an alibi.
It checks out.
[COLE.]
What did you say to her? [BEN.]
I don't know what the fuck you're asking.
I'm asking you what you said that made her want to kill herself.
Why don't you take a look in the fucking mirror! - Why didn't you do something?! - Stop it! You had her in your hands, and you let her go.
Why? [HELEN.]
I took a pregnancy test this morning.
You're entering menopause, Helen.
Don't you think I'm too young to be in menopause? Don't you think I'm too young to die? Where you going? To my women's moon circle.
I invited you.
I just had this intuition that you really needed some guidance.
I fucked a married man.
I really like his wife, so it was a stupid thing to do.
I wish I had your life.
I mean, you have a whole world that literally couldn't live without you.
I'm feeling like Vik isn't listening to me.
I'm feeling like I want him to get treatment.
What he needs you for, the one thing you can give him that no one else in the world can, is your love.
Helen.
I don't want you to die.
I don't want to die, either.
I was screaming into the canyon At the moment of my death The echo I created Outlasted my last breath My voice it made an avalanche And buried a man I never knew And when he died, his widowed bride Met your daddy and they made you I have only one thing to do And that's be the wave that I am, and then Sink back into the ocean I have only one thing to do And that's be the wave that I am, and then Sink back into the ocean I have only one thing to do And that's be the wave that I am, and then Sink back into the ocean, sink back into the ocean Sink back into the o Sink back into the ocean Sink back into the o Sink back into the ocean Sink back into the ocean [A CAPPELLA GROUP VOCALIZING INTRO TO "WHAT SARAH SAID".]
And it came to me then That every plan Is a tiny prayer To Father Time As I stared at my shoes In the ICU That reeked of piss And 409 And I rationed my breaths As I said to myself That I'd already taken too much today Hey, Cole, uh do me a favor, man.
When-when you get this, give me a call.
I'd really like to help with the arrangements.
Took you a little farther Away from me Hey, man.
You look great.
- Surprised? - [NOAH CHUCKLES.]
- You ready? - Yeah.
Let's do this.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [ARIEL.]
Okay! Good morning, good morning.
[CHATTER QUIETS.]
So [CLEARS THROAT.]
in a move designed to keep you all on the very tips of your toes, I read your stories from last week in an uncharacteristically timely fashion.
Some were very, very good, while others well, all I can say is I hope the rest of your classes are going well.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
- But before we commence, let me call your attention to our special guest.
This gentlemen here is Noah fucking Solloway.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ARIEL.]
Noah fucking Solloway, indeed.
The man wholly responsible for the fact that I smoked Parliament Lights for nearly two decades because in college he made it look so tragically cool.
Mr.
Solloway, can I just fanboy out for a second? I mean, you're the reason why I became a writer.
I'm happy to hear it.
I love the way you write women.
You do? Alana's my favorite, like, contemporary character.
When she gives that speech at the end of Descent about feeling like a figment of other people's imagination how'd you know that? Yeah, seriously.
Uh, well, to be honest, writing character is all about listening to people.
And, uh, the place I really learned to listen was in a seminar like this one a million years ago, with Ariel sitting next to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Noah has with him today a prospective student.
Uh, guys, this is Antony.
Anton.
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
You can call me Antony if you want.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ARIEL.]
Anton is visiting from L.
A.
Where else you looking, bro? Um, just here, actually.
Couple state colleges in California.
I'm from Chicago, South Side.
We should talk after class.
We shall, man.
That'd be cool.
[FEMALE STUDENT.]
Before he entirely turns you off, this place isn't so bad.
It's pretty woke.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- My God, Gabby.
What? We have a residential college named for a segregationist.
And the School of Public Policy.
Yeah, but we fought like hell - to get his name removed.
- We didn't win.
- We got the mural taken down.
- Oh, the mural.
What a win.
Oh, hey.
I didn't see you at the protest, Zac.
I had rehearsal.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- It's cool, guys.
I actually really like it here.
Okay, so then let's get going.
May our pens be our swords.
Today's prompt is a quote from Whitman.
This one's for you.
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then.
I contradict myself.
I am large.
I contain multitudes.
" Write a character sketch of a person who has a contradiction.
A paradox.
Show, don't tell.
You have 15 minutes.
Uh, can I borrow a couple - pieces of paper? - Mm-hmm.
- [PAPER TEARING.]
- [ANTON.]
Thank you.
How you holding up? How's Joanie? Yeah.
I don't know what you tell her, either.
Me? Yeah.
Sure.
No, I'd love to.
I don't know.
I'll think about it.
Maybe something from a book she loved.
Yeah.
Okay, is there anything else you need? I'll be there tomorrow morning.
Uh, he's great.
He's, uh I think he likes it here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Will do.
You, too.
Oh.
- Hey, stranger.
- Hey.
Damn, Hoffman.
Leaves of Grass.
Diving deep.
Thank you for this.
Stop.
Are you kidding? I was thrilled to hear from you.
What's it been, 20 years? No.
Can't be.
I was at your last book party.
- You were? - Yeah.
Brooklyn Heights? The one about the sisters, Siamese twins? That was three books ago.
What? God, you were always so prolific.
You say it as if it's a bad thing.
It's not a bad thing.
It's just emasculating.
Uh, if I remember correctly, you're hard to emasculate.
So, this is nice.
What you're doing for this kid.
Yeah, well, he's, you know he's he's very talented.
He just needs a a way in.
- He's your student? - Mm-hmm.
Where? At a charter school in South L.
A.
I didn't realize you moved to California.
When did that happen? Well, Helen's boyfriend got a fancy job in L.
A.
, so I Wait.
What? You guys split? - Yeah.
You didn't know? - When? Years ago.
I mean, well, it was in the news.
You don't read the paper? Not if I can help it.
I read novels mostly.
Memoir, if pressed.
You haven't changed at all.
Wow.
Noah and Helen.
Requiescat in pace.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I thought you guys were gonna last forever.
You were campus celebrities.
Yeah, well plans change.
They really do.
So, what happened? Was it her dad? You remember him? I remember that she thought she kind of thought she was slumming it with you and you thought you found your golden goose.
Damn, Ariel.
You really were paying attention.
Well, I had a crush.
I spent most of college waiting for an opening, but it never came.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'd say you dodged a bullet.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Looking back, I could have predicted that.
I think you had the world a little bit too much at your fingertips, didn't you? Yeah, I was a I was an asshole for a long time, but What about you? I mean, chair of the English department.
Multiple best sellers.
Things worked out pretty well.
I had a cancer scare last year.
I'm fine they cut it out but I am feeling pretty lucky these days.
I have this new boyfriend.
He's a composer, Brazilian.
- Hot.
- Yeah, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Kids? No.
Never had time.
Biggest regret.
You? Yeah.
I've got four of them.
What? Jesus, Helen, nice work.
Yeah, I don't see too much of them, but I try.
Did you ever remarry? Yeah, I did.
Oh? Tell me about her.
Well, she's, uh She's dead.
She died.
Just a few days ago.
Noah Wh-What are you even doing here? Uh what do you mean? Uh are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm I mean, I'm sad, obviously, but, uh - I'm fine.
- [CELL PHONE ALARM RINGING.]
Shall we? Okay, guys, that's time.
So Who wants to start us off? Anton, how about you? You don't have to.
Hey, I'll read.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay.
Here goes.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
"You can tell he used to be kind of cool when he was younger.
Something about the way he wears his jeans.
Or maybe it's the way he carries himself with a certain swagger.
Most of the teachers, they were there because they had to be.
And we knew that.
But not him.
He was a big-time author.
He was there because he wanted to be.
Because he cared so much about us.
Because he was a good man.
He'd wave George Orwell around like they were peers and weep over Eliot.
I had never seen anybody cry over a poem before.
I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.
So smart, so worldly.
Wanted to have that kind of grace resting on my shoulders.
To move through the world like it was a woman who belonged to me.
We took a trip together.
He didn't have to do it, but he offered.
Because he believes in me.
He believes in my future.
Also, he's fucking my mother.
But that doesn't matter, because he cares.
Look how he parts the seas for a boy like me to walk right into Canaan.
He's got kids of his own, you know.
He never really talks about them.
Makes you kind of wonder why.
Nothing affects him.
Everything seems to roll right off of his back.
Everything is hard for me.
I put on a good act, but on the inside, I'm checking every gesture, every facial expression.
I stand in front of the mirror at night, and I practice how to smile.
Not too much; just the right amount.
Do you have to be white to move through the world like that, with that kind of confidence, or is it something else? Some kind of sociopathy, maybe.
Is there really a difference?" That's all I have.
[APPLAUSE.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
[BUZZING STOPS.]
[ANTON.]
Yo.
Mr.
Solloway.
You okay? No, I'm not okay, Anton.
What the fuck was that? - What? In class? - Yes, in class.
I'm busting my ass for you.
I've driven across the entire fucking country to bring you here, and all this time, that's what you think of me? I thought you'd be proud.
Are you insane? I did well in there.
I kicked ass, actually.
I'm definitely getting back in.
- And that's all you care about? - Look, I wrote that piece because I knew that's what they wanted.
And they ate that shit up.
- What are you talking about? - I mean, they started the class talking about fucking segregation.
Okay, I heard that, and I was like, "Okay.
I understand the role y'all want me to play.
" Jesus Christ.
When in Rome, right? You can't take people's lives, Anton.
You can't fucking use people to get what you want.
That's that-that is fucking sociopathic behavior.
I thought that was called being a writer.
Well, you don't understand the first thing about being a writer.
Really? So, Descent, Alana, that wasn't about your dead wife? Fuck you.
- Noah, what are you even doing here? - I'm trying to help you.
That's what I'm fucking doing here.
Okay, but your wife, she just died.
Shouldn't you be there? You shouldn't be here, okay? This is it's weird.
Wow, that's a hell of a way to say thank you.
[A CAPPELLA GROUP VOCALIZING.]
Look, it's late.
We better get to the airport.
Actually thought I'd stick around for a couple hours, check out the campus some more.
Yeah, well, I promised your mother I'd put you - back on a plane, so let's go.
- Hey, look.
See this? It's called an iPhone.
Okay, it has maps and a clock and this thing called the Internet.
And I can call a cab whenever I want.
I'm 19 years old.
I'll be fine.
You sure? Sure.
You should take care of yourself.
- It's been a long week.
- Yeah.
I need to buy a fucking suit.
There's got to be a Brooks Brothers around here somewhere.
This place is like a fucking mall.
So, you gonna go? I might.
Hey, Noah.
[QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Seriously.
I had fun.
Sorry about Alison.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Me, too.
[QUIET CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
[LUISA.]
Cole? You okay? Baby, we don't want to be late.
[SIGHS.]
[INDISTINCT PROGRAM PLAYING OVER TV.]
[LUISA.]
Hey, Cole.
Can you help me with this, please? Thank you.
Um, I put the candles in the trunk.
The votives Athena asked for? [TV STOPS PLAYING.]
I was watching that.
We should get you dressed.
[SIGHS.]
Want me to unpack these for you? No, I'll take care of it later.
But you've been back two days.
Exactly.
It's only been two days.
But you're planning to unpack, right? I mean, eventually? [TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Look, Cole, I don't want to have a big conversation right now, but I need to know your plans, - what to tell Joanie.
- I have no idea what to tell Joanie.
That her mother just killed herself? Should I start with that? I just need a second, please.
Please, I just need to get dressed, and I need to bury Alison, and then we can talk for as long as you like.
We can talk all night if you want.
Okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
This land is your land This land is my land - From California - [TURN SIGNAL TICKING.]
- [JOANIE.]
To the New York island - Wait, baby, where are you going? To the church.
No, Athena moved the service to the beach.
Why didn't you tell me? I did.
[SIGHS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL, HORN HONKS.]
[HORN HONKING.]
This land is your land This land is my land [JOANIE JOINS IN.]
From California To the New York island From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream waters [QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[QUIET, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Nice turnout, huh? It's a fucking clown car.
[ATHENA.]
traditional mourning color in China.
You know, purity, which I think is more important than What the fuck, Athena? [SIGHS.]
[BOTH SIGH.]
[SOFTLY.]
Cole.
Thank you for being here, Cole.
Where else would I be? Alison's at peace now.
Don't you think? What is that? That's our Alison.
I told you I wanted to bury her.
I understand that's what you wanted, Cole, but this is what she would have wanted.
A beaching ceremony.
After the service, everyone will get a little bit of Alison's ashes to bury in the sand, and then we meditate, we sing, we celebrate, as we wait for the tide to rise and wash her back into the sea.
[SOBBING.]
Doesn't that sound like something Alison would have loved? She would have hated this.
Alison hated the ocean.
And we agreed that she was going to be buried in my family's plot next to Gabriel.
But, Cole, sweetheart, why would we bury her with your family? She's my daughter.
She's my wife.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My darling, I'm sorry for your loss.
Okay, we should get started.
Let's get started, everyone.
[QUIET, AMBIENT MUSIC.]
Thank you all for coming.
Oh, my darlings.
I haven't prepared a eulogy.
I don't, um, believe that memorials should be dictatorships with one voice.
How can I speak to the Alison you knew when she was with you? To you? You all deserve a chance to say good-bye in your own way.
And so [SIGHS.]
before we, um, distribute ashes for the beaching ceremony, we'll pass her around and hold her one last time.
And when she comes to you you hold her close to your heart and say good-bye.
I'll begin.
If I can.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my baby.
I remember [SNIFFS.]
God, one time when you were little, you brought home a a lizard tail.
Just the tail.
You learned about regeneration in school, and you were sure that life could work backwards.
That this tail could regenerate the beast.
Oh, I wish I could regenerate you now, my girl.
But I know that's selfish.
That that would stop my pain.
You, my darling, who had so much pain in your short life, you're finally at peace.
Oh, Jesus, this is difficult.
Alison, you were magic.
You were light.
You You made me believe that anything and everything is possible.
You were wild.
You were brave.
You You took nothing for granted.
[SNIFFS.]
And you made me see the world with new eyes.
With wonder.
Where does that spirit go now? I don't understand.
How could you of all people be gone? You were, uh You were so empathetic, so concerned with the suffering of others, including me.
[ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[WOMAN.]
Cole.
[QUIET SIGH.]
[HYPNOTIC, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[PANTING.]
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
[COUGHS.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
So, what's the plan here? There is no plan.
[SIGHS.]
Funerals bring out the worst in people.
Alison's gone, Cole.
It doesn't matter where she's buried.
So, why not just let Athena have her moment as chief mourner so we can all go home to a more private grief? No.
You're not the only one who loved her.
Don't I know it.
Look, Cole I know you're in pain.
And you may not want to hear this right now, but so are the rest of us.
We're all reeling.
And that ceremony, it It meant a great deal to Athena, who is her mother.
You know [SIGHS.]
if she was still my wife, I would have got to choose what happened to the body, and nobody would've questioned it.
I'm sorry.
Why'd you do it? Why her? I was unhappy.
Did she make you happy? She made me happy.
[QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
How many times you think we've had sex? I have no fucking idea.
Ten thousand? Yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
- What about you? - [SHUSHES.]
Just hold my hand.
[GASPS.]
[CHERRY.]
Oh.
Did I scare you? [GROANS.]
No.
No.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Athena sent you? She must really be getting desperate.
Athena didn't send me.
I brought you something to eat.
And I thought you might be a little cold.
Yeah.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Chicken salad from the memorial.
I'm not hungry.
I know, but you have to eat something.
[SIGHS.]
How are you feeling? I feel terrible.
I know, honey.
It takes time.
How did you do it? When Dad died, how did you move on? Did I? I'm glad you think so.
I always hoped for you and your brothers that I was strong and that you felt safe.
Because inside phew.
After he killed himself, I broke five watch bands in the span of two weeks.
I was always pulling at them.
Yanking at my wrists, trying to figure out what to do with all my anger.
It takes time.
I was coming back for her.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
I drove across the entire country to come and get her, but I was too late.
I am always too late.
Oh, baby.
It isn't your fault.
None of this was.
I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with this.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
I don't think I can carry it.
- You can.
- What if I can't? - I know you can.
- But what if I can't? Dad couldn't.
And I get it now.
Oh, I mean, to just go to sleep, to to never wake up in pain again.
I know.
Here's the thing.
You're not like your dad.
You're not a Lockhart.
You're a McGinty.
You're like me.
You're a survivor.
You're a fighter.
You told me I am exactly like Dad.
Well, if I did, then I was wrong.
- No, but - Sweetie, there are people in the world like your father.
Like Alison.
Magical, special people.
And we love them for their sensitive souls, and we love them for burning so brightly.
But I think I always knew your father was ephemeral, even before he I mean, that's why I sent him to California.
That's why I let him have Nan.
'Cause I-I knew somehow, deep inside, I couldn't keep him forever.
He wasn't solid, like you and me.
He was made of too much air.
So you knew about Nan.
Then you sent me out there to find her? - Why? - I don't know, Cole.
I think I wanted you to see that life is God, I it's messy, honey.
And you've had more mess, more tragedy in your life than most people.
And your answer, like mine, is to try and take control, and sometimes you just can't.
And I want to tell you that the worst of it is just behind you and that it's it's all gonna get better from here on out.
And I hope it does.
Baby, it might not, and All I've ever wanted, all that I wish for you, is for you to know you're strong and you can survive.
So you can be the shelter for Joanie the way I tried to shelter you.
[COLE TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Oh, not everyone gets to grow old, Cole, but if I had to bet I would say that you will.
And the sooner that you understand that as the great, radical gift it is, the sooner that you start to think of what you have instead of what you've lost the happier you and your little girl are gonna be.
[DRONING, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Is Joanie asleep? Yep.
Thank you.
I love her.
I know you do.
Whatever happened to those hardship papers? I think we should get 'em filed.
[SIGHS.]
It's too late.
No, we're done.
Luisa, I'm sorry.
Cole, just listen to me for once.
We're done.
I know we're done.
And I'm sorry for everything that I said.
And I'm sorry for the things that I've done.
You deserve better than that.
We don't have to split up.
We can stay married.
At least on paper.
And we'll make you Joanie's legal guardian, and we'll finally get you your citizenship.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
[CHUCKLES.]
What are we gonna tell Joanie? Right now I think I I'd just like to take her on a little trip.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Just the two of us, to get away from here for a little while.
When she gets back, she's gonna need all the love she can get.
And she needs you, Luisa.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
What does that mean? [SIGHS.]
You know what? I think we should we should go to bed tonight, and, uh I'll help Joanie pack tomorrow.
[SIGHS.]
[JOANIE.]
When we get to our vacation, will Mommy be there? Nope.
Just gonna be you and me, kiddo.
Where is Mommy? Some people think that when you die your soul goes up to Heaven.
And some people think that you get to come back as a different person or even an animal.
But what about you? Where do you think Mommy is? [SIGHS.]
I wish I knew, kiddo.
But I do know that she will always be here.
And whenever you miss her, all we have to do is think about her and remember her, and that way, she will always be with us.
As I went walking That ribbon of highway - [JOANIE HUMMING ALONG.]
- I saw above me That endless skyway I saw below me That golden valley This land was made for you and me [JOANIE CONTINUES HUMMING.]
[CONTINUES HUMMING.]
[QUIET, AMBIENT MUSIC.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING AND SQUAWKING.]
[MEDICAL MONITOR BEEPING.]
[VIK GRUNTS.]
I'll send in Dr.
Woo.
[VIK.]
Thank you.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
[QUIET, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Helen.
Hmm? You're hurting me.
Oh.
Sorry.
This place is kind of a mess, huh? How do you feel? I'm cold.
[MUTTERS QUIETLY.]
I got you.
- How's that? - Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
I love you.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
Good news, Vik.
- The cholecystitis has subsided.
- [VIK.]
Oh.
Morning, Doc.
- Helen, can you, uh ? - Yeah.
[DR.
WOO.]
The ultrasound of your right confirms what the lab results indicate.
Your leukocyte count and your bilirubin levels have come significantly down.
Your amylase and your lipase levels have normalized, too.
Oh.
Wow.
What does that mean? Well, it means he got lucky.
We caught the cholecystitis quickly.
So I can go home.
I want to keep you here for another day or two, but if you're not febrile in 24 hours, I'll send you home on Friday.
Thanks, Doc.
[DR.
WOO.]
Uh, but listen.
Now that this current crisis is averted, I want to talk to you again about treatment.
If you continue to go untreated, I guarantee you you will be back here with something much worse.
Thrombophlebitis.
Perforated stomach lining.
S-Something that you just cannot bounce back from.
- You're metastatic.
- I know that.
Right, so you would also know that we typically like to treat metastatic patients very aggressively.
I'm past surgery, Kristina.
That's not an option for me.
Chemo could shrink this tumor.
And how much time would that actually buy me? Conservatively, six to nine months.
And here's the thing.
Treatment will improve your quality of life.
Look, Vik.
I have seen this before.
There's a reason they say that doctors make the worst patients.
We all have God complexes.
And when we get sick, we're fucking pissed.
I understand that.
But you know what? You obviously have someone in your life that loves you very much, and they want you to stick around, so forgive me for what I'm about to say, but I've known you for, what, almost 20 years? You're being an asshole.
This is exactly why we broke up, Kristina.
You've got a potty mouth.
[DR.
WOO.]
Why don't you two talk it over? It was nice to see you again, Helen.
Nice to see you, Kristina.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Why did you two break up? She matched in L.
A.
I matched in New York.
We were 26.
We thought we had all the time in the world.
She was wonderful, though.
She still is.
I mean, I think she had to go out of her way to treat you.
She had to move a lot of stuff around.
Yeah.
So, do you want to talk about, uh all that? Can we do it later? When I come home? Sure.
That's fine.
No problem.
Your parents are on their way over anyway.
I was gonna run home and just, um, take a shower, change my clothes.
Yeah, you should.
- I'll be fine.
- Okay.
- Helen.
- Yeah.
I hate putting you through this.
I never wanted to be a burden on anyone.
Stop.
[KNOCKING AT WINDOW.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
How is he? He's better.
Uh, he's better.
Apparently, the infection in his gallbladder's, um receding? Is that the word? His gallbladder? I-I thought this was - cancer of the pancreas.
- It is.
But apparently, the tumor in the pancreas is putting pressure on the gallbladder, and there's been some kind of bi bile buildup.
I don't really understand, but you could ask, um, his doctor when she gets here, Kristina Woo.
I think you know her.
What? Kristina is here to take care of him? - Who? - Kristina, Abdul.
Little Kristina from Stanford.
Oh, his girlfriend? Well, ex-girlfriend, but yeah.
[ABDUL.]
Oh, praise Heaven.
Well, I've also been taking care of him, - you know - Kristina will help him.
Yes, she will get him the medicine he needs.
[ABDUL.]
She got a perfect score on her medical boards.
Absolutely perfect.
Not one mistake.
Well, it was perfect.
Okay.
Well, I have to go home 'cause I still have some vomit on me from when Never mind.
I'm just gonna I'll see you this evening.
You should go and take care of yourself, Helen.
You look tired.
Surprise! Whitney.
Whitney.
- Hi! - Hi.
Hey there, Colin.
What are you doing here? We came to surprise you.
Oh, that's nice.
What about school? It's Thanksgiving.
Is it? Oh, God.
Yeah, of course.
It's November.
- Right.
- So, where is everybody? Um, your brother and sister are with your dad, and, uh, Martin went to the Cape with Mariah.
No, he didn't.
They broke up.
- They did? - Mm-hmm.
- When? - Last week.
He's coming, too.
He'll be here in a few days.
Hey, I'm so happy that we get to spend Thanksgiving together, all four of us again.
And I was thinking, what if we invited Dad this year? Do you think Vik would mind? Mom, are you okay? I'm just really happy to have you home.
- That's all.
- Oh, my God.
Mom, come on.
Don't cry.
I told Colin you are a total ball-buster and that's why I'm so fucked up.
Now he's gonna think I'm lying.
It's nice to see you again, Mrs.
Solloway.
[SIGHS.]
It's nice to see you, Colin.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Are you guys hungry? Do you want something to eat? I'll make you an omelet or something.
Mom, we're vegans.
Fuck.
Right.
I keep forgetting.
So, what does that mean? I have to pick up almond milk or ? Yeah, don't worry.
We'll make our own.
You'll make your own almond milk? Totally.
We stopped at Whole Foods and got some stuff already.
Well, that's one less thing to worry about.
Uh, you guys, the place is yours.
Colin, there's a really nice pool there - if you want to take a swim.
- This place is sick, Mrs.
Solloway.
Thanks.
I like it, too.
So, uh, is it just us tonight? Are Trevor and Stacey coming? I was thinking of making saag paneer for Vik.
I'm taking this Indian cooking course, and I'm kind of good.
No, she's really good.
Yeah, I am.
Hashtag "humble brag.
" I'm really good.
Actually, Vik's not gonna be here tonight.
He's in the hospital.
Come on, tell him to beg off early.
I'm only here for a couple days.
Tell him, like, punt the surgery.
Is Vik a surgeon? You didn't tell me that.
Yeah, he is.
He's, like, a super-surgeon.
Whit, actually, he's not at the hospital.
He's in the hospital.
Uh, he's sick.
What? What do you mean? I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I meant to tell you.
You should have told me what? Vik has cancer.
What? It's stage four.
S-So is he is he gonna ? Yeah.
No.
- Yeah.
- No.
Look, I'm sorry.
I really didn't want you to find out this way.
I-I-I wanted to call you a while ago, but you just seemed so happy, - and I didn't want to ruin that.
- What the fuck is wrong with you? - With me? - This is why Trevor and Stacey have been such zombies when I've talked to them on the phone.
God, Helen, you are so fucking irresponsible.
- Whitney.
- Just once, one time, I'd like to come home to some fucking normalcy for a change.
I have my shit together.
Why can't you? Can you please this time just not? Not what? Be a bitch.
I'm really sorry that this isn't the reality that you thought you were walking into at this particular moment, but that's this is what's going on.
This is what is going on.
Did you just call me a bitch? - [SLIDING DOOR OPENS.]
- [SIERRA.]
Hello.
- Oh - [SIERRA.]
Anyone home? Hi, Sierra.
- Hi.
- How are you? I'm good.
Um, oh, my God.
Is this your daughter? Um, yes, this is my daughter and her boyfriend, and this is my friend, Sierra.
- Hey.
- [SIERRA.]
Hi.
Oh, my God.
It's so great to finally meet you.
Mom, can we not do this right now? - Do what? - Meet someone.
I-I need to talk to you.
Is this a bad time? I can come back.
Why don't you just give me a moment with my friend, and you guys can go fuck in the spare guest room or something.
[SCOFFS.]
God, this is so fucking typical, Helen.
Can you please stop calling me Helen? You never change, do you? Sorry about that, Mrs.
Solloway.
She's, um just started a new birth control, and it's making her, you know, kind of mad.
It's fine, Colin.
I'm used to it.
Wow.
She is a force.
Yeah.
That she is.
I brought this for you.
It's called a white butterfly.
What's the occasion? No occasion.
I've just been thinking about how blessed I am to have you in my life.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Are you okay? You look tired.
No, I'm fine.
I, um I-I can't stop thinking about what happened between us in the desert.
Yeah.
- Um - Have you been avoiding me? No.
No, no, that's not it at all.
Okay.
Um, good, because I-I have something to tell you.
Yeah, can it wait? Uh, no, not not really.
It's just that, uh, Vik is in the hospital.
Wh-Why? Because he has cancer and he's not treating it, so the tumor won't stop growing, and now it's pressing against his gallbladder, which, of course, is infected because why can't anything ever be just okay for one fucking minute? Helen, I'm I'm so sorry.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
It's his mom.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello, Priya.
What? I don't No, you're gonna have to slow down.
I don't understand what you're saying.
Septic? Are you sure? Okay.
Yes, all right, I'm on my way.
Yes, no, I'm leaving now.
Now.
Is everything okay? Uh, no.
I have to go.
Well, let me drive you.
No, I'm okay.
Helen please let me help you.
I-I want to help you.
Sierra, you know what happened in the desert, that was a one-time thing with us, right? - I'm with Vik.
I-I can't just be - Yes.
I know.
Where are your keys? I'm driving.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[TENSE, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
Hi.
Can I help you? Uh, there's already two visitors, so you can't - go in right now.
- What's going on in there? - I'm sorry, who are you? - I'm - And where are your visitor passes? - Mine is right Fuck, mine, it must have slipped off.
- [NURSE.]
You both need passes.
- I need to go in there.
His mother just called me.
I'm sorry, but if you're not - immediate family, you cannot go in.
- I am.
I'm his wife.
Great.
So then go to the front desk, where your name is surely on the list, and get a pass.
Maybe I can go to the desk and get passes for both of us, - and then she can go in right now.
- Who are you? - I'm her friend.
- [NURSE.]
You're not related to him? - No, not exactly.
- Then you need to go.
Yeah, maybe you should just go, okay? Okay, but I I would just like - [RETCHING.]
- [NURSE.]
Are you sick? This guy's already septic.
Are you trying to kill him? I was here an hour ago, and he was fine.
What happened? His immune system is hanging on by a thread.
- If you have the slightest cold - I'm not sick.
Well, you shouldn't even be in this hallway.
If you both don't leave, - I'm gonna have to call security.
- I'm not sick.
I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant? Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you.
Why are you trying to tell me? I'm so sorry.
What? It was an accident.
It was one time, and it didn't mean anything.
I don't, like, love him or anything.
I mean, if there's anyone I love, it's-it's you.
Is this some kind of joke? - I know this is a shock.
- Is that why you bought me - that fucking orchid? - It was a shock to me, too.
And I know that this is such bad timing, but, Helen, I-I I want to keep it.
I want to be a mother.
Everything you said to me in the desert, it resonated so deeply with me.
And it's like you said to me what I've been waiting to hear my whole life, and I [TENSE, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[GROANING.]
Oh, God.
You sound so old.
You didn't used to groan when you sat down.
Why are we sitting down here? There's a perfectly good bench over there.
I wanted to be low to the ground.
Do you want one? Got one for you.
No, thanks.
What happened? Where are the kids? I dropped them at your place.
With Whitney and the new boyfriend.
Oh, yeah.
He seems nice enough.
Yeah, he's okay.
She's exactly the same.
Yeah.
What did we do wrong there? Helen, she's a kid.
We were already married by the time we were her age.
Yeah, well, we were kids, too.
Vik okay? No.
Vik is going to die.
I'm so sorry.
Yep.
Me, too.
I'm really, really sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Did you ever meet our neighbor, Sierra? - Don't think so, no.
- Well, she's pregnant.
- That's nice for her.
- With Vik's baby.
What? Oh, God.
Helen.
Look, Vik's not in his right mind now, you know? Look, it's already I don't care.
I really don't care.
Look, I fucked her, too.
Really? What, and I missed it? [LAUGHS.]
Eh.
I just can't go back up there.
I can't face him like this.
Well, you're pissed with him, right? No, that's not why I can't face him.
I don't know if I love him.
I mean, the way I'm supposed to.
You know I love him enough.
What does that mean? Not the way I loved you.
Helen, we were We were young.
We hadn't fucked up yet.
It's just so much easier to feel deeply for someone when there's no defenses or Baggage? Well, yeah.
[SIGHS.]
God, poor Alison.
How was her funeral? Ah, it was awful.
Right.
No, they, uh her mother had her cremated, so the ceremony was on the beach, and Cole grabbed the urn and ran away with it.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - No.
Oh, my God.
Everybody's so fucking crazy.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I miss her, you know.
I Can't stop thinking about how much I failed her and [SIGHS.]
how badly I fucked up.
[SIGHS.]
[TAKING DEEP BREATHS.]
You know, what happened to her wasn't your fault.
[SCOFFS.]
You think? No, I'm sure.
[GRUNTS.]
[SNIFFS.]
How's Vik holding up? He's not good.
I mean, it's like It's like the light has gone out of his eyes.
Like somebody just drew curtains.
I've never seen anything like it.
Why doesn't he get any treatment? I don't know.
I You know, he doesn't think it'll work.
The doctors say it might work.
Maybe I should have tried harder.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just I don't I don't know.
Can I tell you something awful? What? I used Vik to get over you.
I mean, I was so afraid to be alone, and he just breezed into my life, and it was so easy.
He didn't ask anything of me.
He took care of himself.
He helped me with the kids.
Everything was so much easier, and I did not want to let go of that, and now I feel like I wasted the last years of his life, because he could have met someone who loved him, who really loved him, who could have brought her whole self to him, not some kind of fucking broken Stop, okay? Seriously, stop.
That's enough.
You are a lot of things, Helen.
You are neurotic and-and overbearing, and you're snobby, and you're judgmental - and-and superior, but - Are you gonna stop? But you you are not broken.
I don't know anyone who's tougher than you.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yeah, well, I mean it.
And I know you love Vik.
I-I've been watching you both for however many years.
You love each other.
Maybe it's not the same as it was with us, but who gives a fuck? Where is it written that love should be exactly the same every time? And now he's dying, and there's nothing you can do about it.
And I know that that is terrifying.
I know that's the worst feeling in the whole world.
But I gotta say, I if there's one person I would want to be with when I die, if there's one person who would make me feel, no matter what, that I was safe and that I was loved, it'd be you.
Okay, that really is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Helen.
We are so fucking lucky to be alive.
I-I think about this all the time these days.
We are just so fucking lucky to be alive.
[MEDICAL MONITOR BEEPING QUIETLY.]
[SIGHS.]
That was scary.
Yeah, it was.
I didn't realize how painful it would get.
I have to say something to you.
I'm so sorry.
For what? I should have listened to you.
I should have gotten treatment.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Stop.
We We did the best we could.
I've seen death.
I always knew it was coming.
I I thought I knew what it was.
But when it finally happens to you, you you're not ready.
You're not dead.
You're still here.
I'm by myself now.
I'm on the other side.
Don't say that.
You're alive.
And I miss you.
I just I just want to be back, where you are.
With you.
And the kids.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to go.
I want more days.
I want more life.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Tell him now.
What? He's awake.
Tell him.
["WHAT SARAH SAID" BY DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
And it came to me then That every plan Is a tiny prayer To Father Time As I stared at my shoes In the ICU That reeked of piss And 409 And I rationed my breaths As I said to myself That I'd already taken too much today As each descending peak On the LCD Took you a little farther away from me Away from me 'Cause there's no comfort In the waiting room Just nervous paces Bracing for bad news And then the nurse comes round And everyone lifts their head But I'm thinking of What Sarah said That love is watching Someone die So who's gonna watch you die? So who's gonna watch you die? So who's gonna watch you die?