The Avengers (1961) s02e08 Episode Script

1 (theme music playing) (organ music playing) Minister: Returning to the earth but living henceforth in perpetual day, united again with all others who have likewise crossed the great divide.
(coughs) Life on this earth is short but life in the hereafter endless, and this moment of time not for tears but laughter, not of grieving but of cheerfulness.
So let us regret nothing, bemoan nothing but look forward only to the long-awaited dawn of reunion when all shall know the greeting of the bright morning and the day that follows of play and laughter and calling again the unspoken but unforgotten names of friends.
And so we commit to the earth the body of our companion, no more in sadness but in love and expectation.
In cases like this, I find it very difficult to offer sympathy.
It seems that our friends have moved to a far, far better place.
It's been a sad loss.
Come along, my boy.
You were very close? Oh, yes.
Indeed we were.
We'd been together four years.
Oh, just a drop in the ocean of time.
It's only a separation, of course.
Yes, it's very hard to think of it in those terms.
Oh, my dear chap, you must try.
You must try.
(water running) Bad luck.
It would be the best one.
That little streak there.
And there.
What could it be? That's rain.
Oh? I usually wait for the sun to come out.
Keep it behind the camera.
How do you do it? - I took it at 250 with a 5.
6.
- Course.
Mind you, it was a bit of a gamble, really, using a 500-millimeter, but came off, I think.
Yes, it did, indeed.
Was it raining much? - Four days.
- Cold? - Freezing.
- And you enjoyed it? - Oh, it was marvelous.
- Well, it beats me.
What are they, anyway? Piciformes.
I wasn't after anything else.
"Piciformes"? Woodpeckers.
Stout-billed birds with stiff tailfeathers, grasping toes, and a roughened, protrudable tongue.
Birds with grasping toes and protrudable tongues.
I think I must have one or two of them.
Yes, I'm sure you do.
First, the, uh, green woodpecker.
I don't recognize her.
Second, the greater spotted woodpecker.
- She looks cold.
- It was a he, and it was cold.
Finally, the lesser spotted woodpecker.
- Is this all? - Yes.
But you've been away a fortnight.
Only three birds to show for it? They don't stand still and pose for you, Steed.
They do for me.
Anyway, you're not in the least interested in my photography.
What was it you wanted? I got a message saying you wanted to phone me.
I phoned you once this morning when I got back.
I'm very sorry I wasn't in.
You were at South End.
Enjoy it? - Mm, lovely.
- Why were you there? I thought you were never gonna ask.
X-ray plate.
Whoops.
- What are all these blobs? - What do they look like? Cathy: Rain.
Diamonds.
£50,000 worth.
- In a man's stomach? - Yeah, indigestible breakfast.
Very.
How'd you find him? He crashed his car up and himself.
The hospital X-rayed him and came up with that.
- Who is he? - Miller.
- Just Miller? - George Miller.
He's still unconscious.
He'll likely remain so.
Any next of kin? Was he married? Mm.
Tough.
Must you be so callous? I'm sorry.
It runs in the family.
Look, he was on his way to Switzerland via the South End air bridge.
Be his fourth trip abroad in six weeks.
Did he always travel on a full stomach? Well, we don't know about that.
The point is, money's been running out of this country like nobody's business, £3.
5 million into Swiss accounts since last Wednesday.
That's what we know about.
This is the first lead we got.
Can't all be done by diamond eaters.
No.
And why take them to Switzerland? Black market diamonds fetch more in London than Geneva or Zurich.
Introducing Mr.
Miller.
What's his job? Now, you see this cylinder? Absolutely clean.
Clean as a whistle.
Now you see it, now you don't.
Ah.
Abracadabra.
All the colors of the rainbow He's a conjurer.
Well, I hope he's better at it than you are.
Oh, really.
Anyway, he's also a traveler in practical jokes.
Now for my next trick.
Will you pick a card, any card? Ah, thank you, Steed.
No encore.
Oh, all right.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna see the widow, Mrs.
Miller.
Widow? But he's not dead.
No.
If she doesn't know that, I may have to play it that way.
Who knows? Oh, all right, I was only joking.
(vocalizing) Come to the Big Laugh.
Everything for your party at the Big Laugh.
Put Susie Pie to an office chair and see her jump.
Come and have a good laugh at the Big Laugh.
Hands up.
Come on.
Get 'em up.
Steed: Oh.
Ha ha.
You really scared me with that remark.
It's really rather clever.
What do these do, then? I suppose they explode, eh? Yes, but they're not dangerous.
As a matter of fact, they're rather a riot.
They stop people smoking for life.
What else are you after? I don't know.
Something for a party.
- Kids? - No, adults.
Oh, well, they're easier than kids.
How about this? The crooked glass.
Cause a real worry late at night.
I should know.
It's fooled me.
I know that one, yes.
Well, something like that.
Well, you want something to start it off - to get them in the mood.
- Yes.
I know.
How about these? Gags to make it swing.
Something sophisticated.
Oh, how much is this one, eh? That starts at 15 bob.
You know, there's quite an art in that, really.
Anyway, it's a good line.
One of the dependables.
Solid drake.
Dead fly.
Here we are.
Itchy handshake.
Have a do at this.
What do you want, then? (teakettle whistling) Where did you get this? From Mr.
Miller.
Well, you're not from the police, are you? They don't fool around the way you did.
No, not from the police.
Where is he? He had an accident this morning.
How tragic.
Well, you don't sound very upset.
You're very observant.
He crashed his car on the way to South End.
South End.
Would you like a cup? (chuckles) Yes, thank you.
- So that's it, then? - Steed: Where was he going? Switzerland, I thought.
Why? I stay here to mind the till.
How's business? Good? You know, if it improved 200%, it would still be lousy.
Who wants jokes today? Gags to make it swing.
Something sophisticated? Well, I can live without plastic doublets.
How about you? Mm.
In a pinch.
You didn't get on with him, eh? Like a couple of crossed lines.
He used to count pennies like a bus conductress.
Now he's a big man, so I'm told.
Only I don't see very much of it.
Ah-hh.
Is he badly hurt? Yeah, pretty bad, but he'll recover.
- Do you want some sugar? - Yeah.
- Where is he? - Hospital.
- Where? - I'll tell you.
Where was he going? Switzerland, like I said.
- Why? - He's a conjurer.
We used to do an act together once.
Anyway, he had this engagement to do a show.
- In Switzerland? - Yes, just for kids.
Refugees.
You know, these places that look after them, these homes? There are a lot of them in Switzerland.
John: Yeah.
Mrs.
Miller: George has worked most of the homes these last three years, mainly on account of Litoff.
- Alexander Litoff? - Yes, the millionaire.
He started a lot of these homes, gave hospitals and all that.
He's always donating money, so they say.
I wish I had some.
Does your husband know Litoff? Well, George likes working with kids, and Litoff, like I said, is always looking for some charity or other.
George likes money, too, of course, and that Litoff has so much.
Anything else? Yeah.
He's in this hospital.
He is unconscious, but they think he'll recover.
This is straight up, isn't it? Straight up.
(clacking) I told Sir Wilhelm Heim, and he's telling us when Ocean Steel gets near 30 shillings.
29.
3 and halfpenny at the moment.
Tell him Litoff says to sell at 29 shillings, not less than 20 and more if he can.
We've got over 100 to go.
Get me Wilhelm Heim.
Man: An answer? Do you want them? Yes, sell them.
Tell him to keep trying for Universal.
Yes, Vicelli.
2750? No, we're asking 2800.
Well, your market's firmer today.
You should be able to back it.
Get hold of Goldsmith in Paris.
Half and a halfpenny.
Man: What? Yes, right away (brokers chattering) Man #2: All right, sell Swede Oil as soon as you can.
Tell him they'll secure it, and remember, Bobby, he has Litoff's personal guarantee that he won't lose by it.
Yes? All right.
Yes, I'll tell Litoff.
Call me back 12:00 tonight.
Yes, Gregory.
Will there be anything for the next half an hour, sir? I don't think so.
Are you going out? Yes, I wanted to take Dancer for a walk.
- All right.
Oh, and, Gregory? - Yes, sir? - Has the doctor come yet? - No, not yet, sir.
- I want to see him as soon as he does.
- Very good, sir Get hold of Sullivan at Merchant House 9511 and try that Zurich number again.
- Get me Zurich.
- Here we are, luv.
Now you wait for me.
There we are.
Come on.
Snap.
Good morning, sir.
Well, good morning.
Oh, what a marvelous dog.
You know, I used to have one of those.
Racer by Satyr out of Martha.
- Indeed, sir? - Yes.
Course, they need a lot of exercise.
They're awfully difficult to keep in London.
Oh, yes, sir.
That's very true.
Did you have an appointment, sir? No, I just dropped in.
I want to see Mr.
Litoff.
Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.
Uh, Mr.
Litoff is in bed.
Still? Yes.
He's indisposed.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry to hear that.
Oh, do forgive my temerity, sir.
Isn't this one of Bateson's? None other.
Is old Mr.
Bateson still alive, sir? No.
It's his son now.
Oh, yes, young Master Jack.
Well, he's in his 40s and he's got three kids.
Uh, do you think that Mr.
Litoff has a number one? You know, someone confidential? Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
Mr.
Getz.
But I'm afraid without an appointment, I couldn't possibly.
This is pretty important.
I'm returning some money.
£50,000.
Even so, sir, I really couldn't disturb him, but if you have something to deliver, I'll see that it reaches Mr.
Getz.
- Uh, what's your name? - Uh, Gregory, sir.
- I'm Mr.
Litoff's butler.
- Mm.
Well, Gregory, I think with your experience of the world, you could find some way for see Mr.
Getz, eh? Well, uh, I'll do my best, sir.
- Would you be so kind? - Well, it'd be a pleasure.
Thank you, sir.
And the hat? Thank you.
- Oh.
- Oh Yes, you don't want to forget that, do you? How remiss of me.
Hello now, girl.
Let's have a talk, shall we? What's your name, then? Hey, Dancer.
You've certainly got some kennels up here, haven't you? But I bet you haven't seen a decent tree for years, have you? - What a beauty.
- What name shall I say, sir? - Steed.
- Oh, yes, Mr.
Steed.
Will you come this way, please? - Oh, that's marvelous.
- Thank you.
- Come on, old girl.
- There we are.
Yes, well, I'd like to check on fruit.
Thank you.
Mr.
Steed, sir.
I understand you're returning something.
Yes, I am.
And these are ours? Mr.
Litoff's.
Don't you recognize them? Not without having them examined.
They were being smuggled out of the country by a man called Miller.
He crashed his car up and ended in hospital.
How unlucky for him.
How did you get them? I happened to be in the right place the right time.
- Man: Excuse me, sir.
- Yes? Shall I take these in for Mr.
Litoff's signature? Yes.
Very good, sir.
Why have you brought them here? I thought they might be worth something to you.
Oh, indeed they are, Mr.
Steed.
They would be worth something to anybody.
Say £5,000? Even on the most conservative valuation, they are worth a great deal more than that.
I wouldn't be fool enough to sell them on the market.
I thought perhaps 5,000, uh, to have them back.
Mr.
Litoff would like to speak to you, sir.
All right.
Excuse me.
Mm.
Getz here.
What the blazes is wrong with you today? - Yes, sir? - Don't "yes, sir" me.
Why hasn't that oil well deal gone through? I'm waiting for Wall Street, sir.
Wall Street? Oh, no, I want it through today, understand? Yes, sir.
Mr.
Litoff appears to have got out of bed the wrong side.
I thought he was still in bed.
Mr.
Steed, the basic premise of blackmail is that the person you are trying to blackmail has committed a criminal act.
Now, the only person you're in a position to blackmail is Miller, and as he has no money, that would be unrewarding.
Go on.
You fascinate me.
Those diamonds belong to Mr.
Litoff.
Miller, who was an employee here, like myself, stole them and was taking them out of the country.
Did you report it to the police? You don't know very much about the Litoff organization, do you? No, no one does.
That's what's so intriguing.
The reason no one does is that unlike many other wealthy men, Mr.
Litoff abhors publicity.
You see, in a day's trading in this office, we may handles monies worth £5 to £50 million sterling.
In these terms, a loss of 50,000 is fairly negligible, certainly not worth the publicity attendant on reporting it stolen.
Mr.
Getz, will you speak to Vicelli again, please? - Is it urgent? - He says so.
All right.
Excuse me.
Yes? No, I don't.
All right, well, call me back later.
Quite.
(hangs up) Good morning.
Beautiful fresh air you keep up here.
Yes, sir.
If it's not worth 5,000 to have them back, maybe it's worth 5,000 for me just knowing about it.
Yes, that may be the case, Mr.
Steed.
I'll put it to Mr.
Litoff this evening.
Perhaps you'd care to come back tomorrow.
I would prefer it settled now.
You do realize that in blackmail, immediate cash settlement Normal.
If you insist on that, Mr.
Steed, I'm afraid there's nothing at all that I can do about it.
- How's Sumatra Oil? - Firm.
Hardened two points since noon yesterday.
Get me LaSalle in Paris as soon as the Bourse opens.
As I was saying, Mr.
Steed, although we handle these larger sums by day, you must understand they're all on paper.
I very much doubt whether you could find as much as £50 in cash in the entire apartment.
How about noon tomorrow? Then you can offer me a drink.
It'll be a pleasure.
Mr.
Steed.
You've forgotten something.
Well? - Interesting.
- Well, it should be.
Alexander Litoff, he shuns publicity just like the plague.
Well, that's pretty obvious.
Still, he is not retiring when it comes to generosity.
- You're an admirer.
- Yes, I am.
You take any list of donors Cancer research, famine relief, flood disaster, mental health You'll see his name there.
- Refugee homes? - Certainly.
That's one of his favorites.
What would you say if I told you the Litoff generosity dried up? I wouldn't believe you.
Oh, I suppose you think it's some sort of tax fiddle or a bromide for the shareholders.
I'll make a bet with you that that charitable activity didn't even start until Litoff realized there was something wrong with his heart.
You're a cynic.
Oh, you remember the story in the Bible about the rich man who worked and slaved and filled his barn until one day he said, "I got it made.
Tomorrow the ball starts.
" And the devil said, "Ha ha ha.
Tonight thy soul is required of thee.
" Well, it's not quite the wording I remember, but I know the bit you mean.
Yeah, well, it applies to all millionaires.
But it doesn't matter what I think.
The fact is, six weeks ago the Litoff tap was turned off.
All subscriptions canceled overnight.
I find that very difficult to believe.
Well, don't take my word for it.
Just check.
And while you're checking, you might find out why, too.
Didn't you get to see him? No.
He's sick.
He's surrounded by a bunch of robots.
They only breathe when Litoff tells them to.
All right, I'll do some checking.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna start with Mr.
Miller.
- Oh, yes, how is he? - There's no change.
I'm gonna ring the hospital later.
Anything, constable? Not a sign.
Oh, they're wasting their time sticking me here anyhow.
It'll be weeks before he can open his mouth, - much less give me a statement.
- Oh, you're not so badly off.
Better than being out on the beat, particularly on a night like this.
Yeah, I suppose so.
I'm dying for a cigarette.
Oh, oh, gosh.
There's another four and a quarter hours before I go off duty.
Well, I've gotta change these dressings.
That'll take at least 20 minutes.
- That's time for a cigarette.
- Oh, that's great.
- Is the canteen open? - Yes.
I think I'll have a cup of tea, then.
Fine.
Doctor: Thanks very much.
You saved my life.
(glass bottle falls) Man: Ask the rest for 10,000, will you? No, but hardly.
Okay, hang on a minute, will you? Uh, get me Whittaker as fast as you can.
Can't you get me 27 shillings for 5,000? Just a second.
Nothing better than 26 shillings.
- Is that the last 5,000? - Yes.
Do I take it? Till they're all down, it won't get any better.
Yes, take it.
All right, we'll take it.
- Oh, good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Gregory.
- No dog today? - No, sir.
She's had her walk this morning.
You like dogs, don't you, Gregory? Oh, yes, sir.
I enjoy them.
All the same, Dancer must take up a lot of your time.
Exercise, so on? Oh, yes, sir, but I-I really do enjoy it.
It's-it's part of my duty to take them for a walk for an hour in the morning and then an hour again in the afternoon.
- Them? - Sir.
You said take them for a walk.
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
It was a slip of the tongue.
You see, we did have two dogs, but unfortunately one of them, Bellhound, died quite recently.
Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
- Mr.
Getz expecting me? - Oh, yes, he is indeed, sir.
- Do come in.
- Thank you.
- Are we in business? - (over) Thank you, Gregory.
I put your proposition to Mr.
Litoff.
He's authorized payment of £4,000 for the commodity you offer.
£4,000? I was expecting 5,000.
Once Mr.
Litoff has made a decision, I'm not empowered to amend it.
Could you go back to M It wouldn't do any good, Mr.
Steed.
This isn't a bazaar.
- I'm not entirely satisfied.
- Well, look at the alternative.
You can hang on to the diamonds and try and sell them in the open market.
As soon as you do that, we shall have no option but to prosecute you for theft.
You could have me knocked off, take them back that way.
Oh, come, Mr.
Steed.
These are hardly business methods.
In my experience, the bigger the business the less scrupulous.
Sir? Shall we hold on? - No, sell.
- But Mr.
Litoff said we I don't care what Mr.
Litoff said.
Sell.
Again, Mr.
Steed, when it comes to scruples, I must repeat you don't know very much - about the Litoff organization.
- Fear of publicity is not necessarily an indication of honesty.
Oh, I don't think it's right to say that publicity is feared.
It's not sought.
There's a difference.
Verbal difference.
Mr.
Steed.
I joined the Litoff organization 14 years ago as a chartered accountant.
Mr.
Litoff has taught me everything I know, but if he were to die tomorrow, my name would mean nothing.
So you see, shunning publicity has its disadvantages.
You resent this? Oh, no.
That would be churlish.
My vanity would like to be fed occasionally.
Also I would like the world to know that it was I who paved the way for the Oregon uranium deal, not Mr.
Litoff.
Credit where credit is due.
Exactly.
He's a remarkable man.
Very remarkable.
But then, of course, he's your employer.
He came to this country in 1935 with a capital of under a thousand pounds.
In 25 years, he has built up one of the largest financial empires - the world has ever seen.
- You can't convince me it's possible to do that entirely honestly.
(chuckles) Well, maybe not.
You know I can't sign for these.
They're Mr.
Litoff's personal account.
- Take them in to him.
- Very good, sir.
Well, now, Mr.
Steed, £4,000.
- Do you accept? - Do I have any choice? If I remember rightly, you offered me a drink.
Oh, yes, and I said it would be a pleasure.
- Help yourself.
- Thank you.
Alex, you're incorrigible.
Bye.
- Your usual, Sir James? - Ah Getz: Mr.
Steed, I don't think you've met Mr.
Litoff's doctor, Sir James Arnell.
We've never met, but I know you well by reputation, sir.
- Thanks.
- How is Mr.
Litoff? Well.
Surprisingly well but tired.
How long did the evening conference last yesterday? - Under an hour.
- And the morning conference? - Little longer.
- Too much, you know.
He'll have to be restricted to one conference a day.
That's quite all right by me, Sir James, but Mr.
Litoff won't hear of it.
You see, the time the international market opens makes it essential I see him twice a day.
Sorry.
I must insist.
And the ticker tape machine must come out of his bedroom.
How can he possibly sleep through that? - Well, I'll speak to Gregory.
- (intercom beeping) He's the only one who has any real influence.
- Very kind of you.
- Yes, sir.
When Brightman calls from New York, - I want to talk to him.
- Yes, sir.
- And Getz? - Yes? Keep that old quack out of here whenever you can.
He talks about me as if I were an old ruin.
If I were a building, he'd have me condemned.
Getz: Yes, sir.
Are you in this business, Mr.
Steed? I'm allied to it.
Uh, management consultant.
Aha.
It's madness, of course, this pursuit of wealth far greater than anyone could possibly need.
Surely one's only hope for a full life is some kind of physical and mental simplicity.
I'd hardly say your own life achieved that, Sir James.
(laughs) True.
But I have my dreams, like all men, I suppose.
My particular dream is of founding a clinic of my own.
- Anywhere in particular? - Asia, perhaps where any medical skill one may have is far more urgently needed than in London.
I can't see your patients here allowing that.
My dear fellow, I can't tell you how I long to get away from fatty degenerate sybarites, lechers (laughs) Imagine my delight if I could say, "Madam, your heart flutters because you're a gross and greedy overeater.
" - (laughing) - I must go.
- Certified.
- Oh, can I give you a lift? Mm.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, Getz.
I'll see you tomorrow, Sir James.
And, um, without wishing to be personal, Mr.
Steed, - I hope I don't see you again.
- I don't know, Mr.
Getz.
I rather enjoyed our little chat.
Stockman at SSB&O.
Man: Yes, I know it's a lot of stock getting off before (chatter) Thank you, Gregory.
- Are you coming with me? - If you'll have me.
Bye.
- Gregory: Goodbye, sir.
- Goodbye.
Very nice.
(jazz music playing) Well, I covered all the Litoff companies on the list.
Good for you.
We'll do the rest tomorrow.
- What's this? - Milk.
- Why? - We're going to a wine tasting.
- We are? - Gives you a good base.
Keeps your palate perceptive and stops you getting sloshed.
Litoff's doctor's going to be there and I need a chance to talk to him.
Well, why do I have to be there? You're going to take the pictures.
I want to know what is really wrong with Litoff.
I want to know all the treatments Sir James is giving him, drugs, x-ray, et cetera.
Where does he keep his record? In his little black bag.
Now, it's in the boot of his car.
It's a '61 Hirondelle.
It's the biggest car on the lot.
Well, it's the latest thing.
No flash.
- Yes, I have heard of him.
- Good.
Well, what'd you find out, eh? Nothing much from the companies.
They were distinctly unhelpful.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
But I talked to an old flame who's city editor of Finance magazine.
I'm impressed.
Go on.
During the past month, Litoff's been selling like mad.
Well, we could have told him that.
Car keys.
He find out why? No, there's been a total shut-shutdown on all information.
- Nothing on the grapevine? - Not even grapes.
You were right about the charities.
- They've all been dropped.
- Oh, you didn't believe me.
I thought it was just bait for your hook.
There are some things even I won't stoop to.
- Really? - Let's see.
Six weeks ago, Litoff started selling ordinary stock, debentures, prefs, the whole bag of tricks, not just stock but entire companies.
And the same thing abroad.
He's even selling at a loss.
But still it goes out, millions of it.
It's like a one-man war on the pound.
Why? Litoff was born abroad.
Can there be any link? No, I don't think so.
How about the common market negotiations? That could make all the difference between going in and crawling in.
Hey, we better hurry.
We've got an appointment at the city wine cellars in 20 minutes.
Oh, well, you'll have to wait while I change.
Must you? Mm.
Mrs.
Miller? Mr.
Getz.
I'm not at all sure why you've come.
I want to know why he's dead.
I want to know why he's dead.
I'm sorry.
I've no idea.
Don't try and kid me.
Believe me, Mrs.
Miller.
I'd no idea that your husband's injuries were so serious.
He died last night without regaining consciousness.
Isn't that the phrase? I imagine that's very convenient for you.
I can understand you being upset, Mrs.
Miller, but I really don't know why you've come or what I can do to help.
Then maybe things will be clearer after the postmortem.
Postmortem? He was hardly strong enough to choke himself.
I was very close to my husband.
He told me a lot of things about those trips he made.
Must be the season for blackmail.
You're the second this week.
Well, I'm hardly surprised.
Your husband did something which, to put it crudely, would have cost him his job had he lived.
However, he was an employee of ours, so we shall of course be prepared to grant you an annuity.
Really? Well, I think I'll have more than that.
You see, I know where Bellhound is.
He's dead.
I know my husband was supposed to kill him, but unfortunately for you, George was an animal lover.
Bellhound's alive? He's alive.
(laughter, chatter) Delightful.
I put on a pipe when Adam was born and gave it to him on his 21st.
You know, it far surpassed my expectations.
Yes, I Yes, I remember the year well.
I was in Oporto.
Have you tried this vin blanc? Man: Yes, indeed.
I know it well, but I'm not sure I'm quite fond of it.
(affected accent) Want to try this, miss? - What is it? - Saint-Emilion.
- I see.
- Chateau Petit-Village.
Personally find it quite refreshing, though you can't take it seriously.
Slightly on the flinty side, I think you'll find.
Thank you.
I'll watch out for it.
(normal voice) What do you think? Quite refreshing, but I can't take it seriously.
Try this.
Mmm.
Nicer, I think.
Couple of years.
Superb.
I can hardly wait.
Steed: Coming this way, the charcoal suit, Sir James.
His car's parked on Darcy Street.
Right.
Well, hello, Sir James.
Mr.
Steed, I didn't know you were an oenophilist.
Oh, I've been a wine lover for years.
I'd like you to try this one here.
Oh.
It'll be a pleasure.
I hope.
- (chuckles) - Oh.
N Not quite ready, no.
Time will soften it, one hopes.
Now, ah, this.
A particular favorite of mine.
Oh, you tell me.
Oh.
- Pontet-Carnet? - Quite right.
- '52? - Excellent.
Well, well.
Ah, here.
Come over here.
Steed: Right.
If you will.
Thank you.
Ahem.
I've been thinking about that clinic of yours.
Oh, yes? You'll need an awful lot of money to get that going now.
Much more than I can ever hope for, I'm afraid.
Oh, come now.
Alexander Litoff's fat fees? True.
But generous though they are Well, if you keep on treating him, the more money you'll make.
Not likely.
You see, Mr.
Litoff is very seriously ill.
- Really? - Come on.
Try this.
Ah, an old favorite.
Croque Michotte.
- Right.
- '49? But-but you're wonderful.
Come.
Try me.
With pleasure.
Yes, it really will be a pleasure.
Do you think that Mr.
Litoff's illness could have unbalanced his mind in any way? My dear fellow, that's a ridiculous idea.
Well, the fact is that six weeks ago, most of his assets have been converted into cash and transferred illegally overseas.
- Really? - Can you explain it? I'm concerned with the beat of his pulse and his blood pressure.
Yes, of course.
What is wrong with him? He's a chronic heart condition leading to cardiac arrest some years from now.
Haut-Brion '40 7? Well done.
(chuckles) Now for the piece de resistance.
Ah.
There's something doing the last six weeks these transfers have taken place.
I can assure you that during that time.
Mr.
Litoff has been physically incapable of any such activity.
May I offer a theory to you? Is it possible when he's ill, his assistant, Getz, is making his transaction without his knowledge? But that I was going to say it's physically impossible, but it's a very ingenious idea.
Getz is a clever fellow.
He might be capable of it.
Let's see now.
False information fed into Mr.
Litoff's tape recorder, completely fictitious reports at the daily ses You know, it might well be.
Hmm.
It's the only theory which fit the facts.
Yes, what a fantastic idea.
I say, if he's been at it for six weeks, our Mr.
Getz must have made a considerable fortune for himself.
Now.
Ah.
Ausone '49.
- '53.
- Never.
Damn it, you're right.
Here.
Let's see how you fare with a burgundy.
I have a rather pressing appointment, Sir James.
- Naturally.
Wonderful.
- Steed: Thank you very much.
Of course, '53 was a year of pleasant burgundy.
I don't know why they allow women down here.
All right? Litoff's a genuine heart case.
Had two thromboses.
Go on.
Initial cholesterol reading over 260, BP over 180, and large left ventricle indicated by electrical cardiograph.
- Drugs? - Not that kind.
Heparin injections and phenindione tablets.
Phenindione tablets, yeah.
With pictures? - I've got the lot.
- Yeah.
Hey, come and join Sir James and me.
- We're doing the burgundies.
- Oh, I don't think so.
I'm not used to drinking all this wine.
You're not supposed to drink it.
You spit it out.
Is that what's happening to the burgundies? Probably.
I think I'll just go home and have a good night's sleep.
- Cheers.
- Well, good luck.
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
Man: Distinct taste of candle grease.
Oh, uh, oh, Steed.
I've been thinking about Elegant.
About Getz.
It bewilders me.
I can understand the desire for money but not on this obsessive scale.
20, 30 millions? Oh! The imagination boggles.
What on Earth does the fellow mean to do with it all? - Buy wine? - Oh, yes.
Just think of the cellar one could put down with that kind of money.
Now, you'll never get this one.
(orchestra music playing) (volume increases) (lowers volume) (grunts) Looking for something, Mr.
Steed? Mr.
Miller in? No, he isn't.
Can I help you? - Are you Mrs.
Miller? - Yes.
My name is Barry.
The estate agent sent me.
Do you still want to sell? Oh, yes, Mr.
Barry.
I'm still open to offers.
- Have a look round.
- Thank you.
Uh, how many rooms have you? Three, altogether.
I should probably knock them all into one.
What do you want it for, anyway? Oh, uh, Barry's Home Stores.
You've probably heard of 'em.
- I'm Barry.
- That's all right, Mr.
Barry.
- You better come through.
- Thank you.
(laughs) (chuckles) What do you want with a joke shop? Jokes? No, no, no.
It's the site.
Business is very good on this corner.
I shall take that wall out, of course.
I've got, uh, fair bin space next door, you see.
Take all this away, put in a decent window there.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Barry.
I've changed my mind.
The shop isn't for sale.
Why won't you sell it to me? Because it's a joke shop.
What's so special about a joke shop? I don't think you'd understand.
No.
I, uh, don't suppose I would.
'37? Marvelous, sir.
Absolutely marvelous.
Sir James was quite right, you know.
You have a palate in a million.
You just keep off the subject of millions just for one minute.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
Most inconsiderate.
Have a sandwich, sir.
Thank you.
Perhaps I might join you, sir? - Be my guest.
- Thank you, sir.
Smoked salmon's a weakness of mine, sir.
I didn't know you had any, Gregory.
When did Mr.
Litoff die? He passed away some six weeks ago, sir.
- Who killed him? - Killed him? Oh, no, it was the third coronary that took him, sir.
Oh, come now, Gregory.
Oh, he'd been ill for some time, sir.
You need only ask Sir James.
All the same, since he died, you've all become very rich, haven't you? Well, Mr.
Getz is very experienced in the financial field, sir.
The results have been most gratifying.
Purely as a matter of interest, how much do you expect to clean up? - Clean up? - Yeah, collect.
Oh, well, uh, last time I worked it out, my, uh, cut was just a little in excess of £11 million, sir.
11 million.
Oh, well, give and take 100,000 here and there, sir.
(laughing) I can't quite quote the exact figure at the moment, sir.
Oh, well, what about the others, eh? Oh, well, I'm afraid I'm not in a position to discuss that, sir.
You mean, they're getting more than you? I'm quite content with £11 million, sir.
Not much point in my offering you a bribe, eh? No, sir.
I could, however, offer you one.
Say a million pounds? Hmm.
Why, Gregory? Well, you know, sir, I'm a very cautious person.
You think you might all get caught, eh? Uh, no, no, no, sir.
I must confess, though, your inquiries made me just a little uneasy.
How much are you gonna pay the judge? I don't think it'll be necessary to pay the judge anything, sir.
Oh.
If you'll forgive me, sir, I withdraw my offer.
It was, uh, just a moment of weakness.
Pity.
I could see my bank manager's face just for one moment.
Peterson's Bank, sir? Well, of course.
I'm very glad to see you have your confidence back, Gregory.
Thank you, sir.
I have great faith in Mr.
Getz's organizing ability.
Of course, I don't have the benefit of education as my two colleagues have, but then, I have a higher IQ than either of them.
I also think education and environment tend to blunt a man's what shall I call it? Um, commercial instinct.
Never blunted mine.
Oh, no, sir, but then, if I may say so, you're a man after my own heart, sir.
- You flatter me, Gregory.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh, Gregory? - Yes, sir? Just supposing you don't get out of this.
You're going in for a long time, aren't you? - How old are you? - 58, sir.
15 years or more.
That's a conservative estimate.
You'll be 73 by the time you get out.
That's a bit old to enjoy those millions, isn't it? And when I say 15 years, I'm assuming you can prove your innocence of murder.
Mr.
Litoff died of a coronary, sir.
- Not Litoff.
Miller.
- Miller? The man with the diamonds in his stomach.
He was taking them out for Getz.
He ended up in hospital.
Oh, no, no, sir.
No, Miller died of his injuries, sir.
He was murdered so he couldn't talk.
I'm sorry, sir, but I-I don't believe you.
And I don't believe that you weren't a party to it.
That's what the police will say.
Can you prove your innocence? Now, look here.
I might be able to help you over this for free.
I do have a little influence, you know.
That means I I'd have to give you your freedom.
Well, naturally.
Well, thank you for the offer, sir, but, uh, I don't think it'll be necessary.
All things being equal, what are you going to do with the money? Well, I hardly like to tell you, sir.
- Why not? - Well, you'll think less of me.
I'm sure I won't.
It's the power that excites me, sir.
I want to be rude and ill-mannered and order people about, and then I look forward to an association with a considerable number of good-looking women.
And I think it must be time for your appointment with Mr.
Getz, sir.
Uh, don't you think? Will you come this way, then? Shall we go in, sir? Steed: Yes, Gregory.
Mrs.
Miller? (doorbell jangles) - Mrs.
Miller? - What do you want? - Oh.
Mrs.
Miller? - No.
- Oh, it's Bellhound, miss.
- What? The dog, miss.
Mrs.
Miller telephoned.
She said she wanted the dog brought back this afternoon.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll take care of him.
Oh, thank you, miss.
Well, there you are, old girl.
Had a good time in the country, I can tell you.
She's really enjoyed it.
I shouldn't give her anything else to eat today.
- She's, uh, had one good meal.
- Right.
Thank you, miss.
Bye, old girl.
- Oh, just a minute.
- Yes, miss? What'd you say her name was? Bellhound, miss.
Poor Bellhound.
This has never happened before.
Never.
Oh, I remember the gentleman who attended this very interment.
Um, he and Bellhound had been together for years.
Really? Yes.
I do hope he doesn't find out about this.
He seemed such a sensitive man.
Of course, if this was a human cemetery, it would take the home office and goodness knows what to open a grave, but because it happens to be dogs and cats, well, anyone with the price of a shovel Gravedigger: You're right, miss.
It's a man.
Getz: What? Well, now can you hear me? I want clearance for Mr.
Litoff's private plane.
Yes, that's right.
To Zurich.
Litoff.
L-I-T-O double "F.
" (snaps fingers) Well, now, Mr.
Steed, I'm sorry you found it impossible to stay away.
I suffer from curiosity.
I couldn't resist it.
Gregory, the car will be here in a minute.
You can start getting the cases down.
- Very good, sir.
- You're leaving now? Don't flatter yourself.
We were leaving anyway.
There's just one thing I don't understand.
Litoff died six weeks ago.
You contrived to keep his existence going while you converted his empire into cash? - What did we do with the body? - Exactly.
We buried him, Mr.
Steed.
You see, Mr.
Litoff had two Great Danes, Dancer and Bellhound.
We sent Bellhound away and had Mr.
Litoff buried in his place.
Although I wasn't present, Gregory tells me it was a simple but moving ceremony.
Very ingenious.
You thought of it, of course.
It solved the problem neatly, I thought.
The whole thing went very smoothly.
You see, Mr.
Litoff was a retiring man.
He was known to the outside world mainly in telephone calls, memos or instructions that went through me anyway.
You planned it for some time? I'm an ideas man, Mr.
Steed.
That's why Mr.
Litoff hired me.
This particular idea came to me about two years ago.
It took me that long to proposition Sir James.
Men of principle need handling with infinite care, but in the final analysis, everybody's corruptible.
It's just a question of price.
- How much did Sir James get? - 12 million.
You? The remainder.
Say 40, 45 million.
That, of course, is only money from shares and diamonds.
Litoff's main fortune was in oil.
And that's yet to come.
I'm surprised you managed to get hold of Sir James.
He's always saying how little money means to him.
Yes, I know.
It's perfectly genuine, you know.
It really doesn't mean much to him.
But then, each of us had an Achilles heel.
The clinic in Asia.
You can get a lot of clinics for £12 million.
(chuckles) And with Gregory, it was a natural rebellion against years of subservience.
That's right, and with me Dissatisfaction with my role as faceless financier.
So you see, now you have all of us in our little pigeonholes.
Yes, miss? Oh, yes, yes.
Do come in.
Come.
The young lady from the kennels.
What have you done with Dancer? Oh, I took the liberty of giving him a snack, sir.
- His favorite.
- Caviar, Gregory? Yes, sir.
He's very fond of fish.
- Getz: Go and get him.
- Yes, sir.
Is there a dog basket or a rug, sir? Yes, yes, a rug.
The butler will take it down.
- You've had your instructions? - Yes, sir.
- I got them this morning.
- Well, what kept you? But this girl's a friend of Steed.
Getz: Who is she? I don't know.
She was at the wine tasting.
I saw them talking together.
Do you think she'd come alone without telling anyone? What are you going to do? In there.
We can't kill them.
We may have killed them already.
My fault.
I shouldn't have spoken.
Sir James, was Miller murdered? And Mrs.
Miller.
Sorry, Gregory.
I didn't know, either, till Getz told me.
We can't kill them.
(door closes) Gregory alone or Gregory and Sir James I could manage.
It's Getz.
He's the tough one.
They all look pretty tough to me.
Mm.
This is no good.
What are we gonna do? - What are you looking for? - I don't know.
Elastic.
Plasticine.
Boy Scout's whistle.
This is hardly the time or the place.
Shut up and help me start knotting these sheets.
But this is the 14th floor.
We can climb down to the 13th, can't we? I suppose it's a start.
I wish your hair was a little longer.
I offer a percentage of my cut.
Say 2 million.
I'll raise it to 5 million.
You're crazy.
We can't leave these two alive.
- What if we lock them up? - Don't be stupid.
Couldn't we take them with us part of the way and leave them stranded somewhere? But once we leave here, they can't stop us.
- There must be some other way - (telex clicking) "Litoff's body exhumed" (continues reading) - Who the devil could have sent it? - It doesn't say.
- Police must be all around us.
- No, no.
We get out over the roof by private entrance.
- I'll take care of those - No, no.
- What? - I said no.
Since when are you giving the orders? We've had two murders already.
We can't have anymore.
You're the hired man.
Remember that.
You're not paid to think.
But Sir James and I are far too old to go running about over rooftops like a couple of teddy boys stealing lead.
No, Getz! You're not gonna (groans) (footsteps approach) In there.
Go on.
Sir James: Hello, Steed.
(groans) You all right, Sir James? Our dreams have betrayed us, Gregory.
Sad about all my beautiful women.
Oh, allow me, sir.
What a wonderful piece of material, sir.
Do you know it's hardly creased at all? Yeah, thank you, Gregory.
Tell me, sir, how did you manage to send the telex message? Telex message? I sent it.
Oh, most effective, madam.
Right.
Shall we go? I suppose you you will be wanting me? Yeah, I'm afraid so, Gregory.
I'm afraid so.
After you, ma'am.
No, Gregory.
After you.
Huh.
Shall we take it? (theme music playing)