The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
You know, being back here at my mom's house brings back a lot of memories.
Most of 'em bad.
But good ones, too.
Like here, I called this my happy chair.
This the one place in the house my dad never beat me.
Mm, it is comfy.
You know, I can see why Mom never wants to come down to South Carolina with us.
You know there's not a single picture of her in this house.
Well, I'm sure there's a picture of your mama up in here somewhere.
Dad, Grandma has a picture of you alone on your wedding day.
Well, see, that's because your mama and your grandmother always had a very tense relationship.
Yeah, Daddy, why they never got along? Well, your grandmother always wanted me to marry a lighter skinned woman.
She tried to like your mama, but she always thought she was just a little too dark.
Dad, that's crazy.
I'm sure Grandma doesn't care what color skin Mom has.
Yes, she does.
See, your grandma came through a very turbulent time in history and to her, lighter skin meant less pain, less suffering.
She always thought if I could marry lighter, that you boys would have a easier time to make it in the world.
You see, kids, sometimes racism stems from a place of love.
You know something, Daddy, I've always said this to myself: I was just three shades away from greatness.
There she is.
Aw, look at my boys.
It's like three Snicker bars came to life.
Was that a comment about our complexion? Absolutely.
Okay, gather around.
I got some important news I need to share with you.
Joe, you might want to sit down for this.
Mom, what is it? Is everything okay? Honey, sit down.
(Joe sighs) Okay, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna come out and tell you.
I've been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
Wait.
That's your news? Well, I'm sorry to have to break it to you this way.
Uh, Mom, we've known about this for six months.
Wait, you mean I told you this already? Yes.
For real? This news is even sadder the second time around.
Grandma, how have you been feeling? Well, it's been a struggle, but I'm feeling better now that I've decided to take matters into my own hands and end my life myself.
- Mom.
- Oh, I'm sorry, have I did I tell you that news already, too? (sighs) No, you didn't tell us that news.
Good, then that's the news I wanted to tell you.
Mom, saying you're gonna end your own life is crazy.
Maybe you're having a bad day.
I-I-I know Alzheimer's is-is hard, but-but have you been getting out the house enough? I mean, have you been seeing your friends? Maybe we need to spruce this place up, get you some plants or-or a dog.
Dad, I don't I don't think a dog's a great idea, considering her condition.
You know, you got to take it out, feed it, remember that you have it.
Joe, I'm confused all the time and I'm scared, scared of what's coming.
I'm losing who I am.
But, Ma, you used to be so active.
You had all those hobbies.
Oh, I didn't like that stuff, I just wanted to get out the house to keep your father from beating me.
Trust me, every woman in a pottery class is crying out for help.
Mom, maybe you could move up to North Carolina with us.
We'll take care of you, make you feel comfortable, cook for you, help you get to your-your appointments.
Joe, I got to make this decision while I still can.
The other day, I was staring at a photo of me hugging some woman I didn't even recognize.
I had to read the inscription on the back to find out that that woman was my best friend for 40 years.
Grandma, that's the saddest thing I ever heard.
Oh, don't feel sad for me.
I had a good life.
Especially growing up a poor black woman who lived through Jim Crow.
I mean, just not being raped or killed by the Klan, I'd say I did all right for myself.
That's the saddest thing I ever heard.
But I need you, Grandma.
And I love you.
Look, you always been there for me.
You know, and you give me money at all my birthdays.
I know this is kind of embarrassing to admit, but you don't know how many times that $15 saved my ass.
Mom, I'm calling your doctor first thing in the morning and I'm getting him to up your meds.
All that medication does is make me more confused - and sick to my stomach.
- But, Ma, you can still live another five or ten years with this.
I'm making a choice, Joe: to go out the way I want to, with dignity.
Now, I've saved enough pain medication to get the job done.
And I have everything I need to do this tonight.
Tonight? Tonight? And you're just telling us this? Well, I didn't want you to have to carry it around and I didn't want to worry you.
And I thought I had told you this last week.
No, no, no.
This isn't happening at all, let alone tonight.
Mom, you go to get this nonsense out of your head.
Joe, I know it's hard, honey, and I know it's a lot, but I'm serious about ending my life and I need your blessing.
- (timer dings) - Uh-oh.
Snickerdoodles are ready.
Man if I'd have known Grandma was gonna kill herself, I would have wore a different outfit.
We got to get these thoughts out of her head.
I don't know, Dad.
I mean, I don't want Grandma to go through with this either, but think about it like this: Grandma wants to go out on top.
I mean, wouldn't you have rather seen Michael Jordan retire after hitting that three-pointer against the Jazz in '98 instead of seeing this dude way past his prime in a Wizards jersey? Don't make Grandma play for the Wizards.
Why did we let Mike do that to himself? - Was our greed too much? - Huh? Did our eyes get bigger and more lustful than our stomachs can handle? Did we? Answer me, please.
I mean, maybe she's making the right decision.
Look, she is an adult, and we're gonna have to just respect her judgment on this, right? Are you crazy? This woman is suffering from a brain disease.
She is the last person on Earth whose judgment we need to start trusting.
I don't even trust her to use the oven right now.
(chuckles) I mean, yeah, I'm not eating those cookies.
Look, she couldn't even remember her best friend she'd known for years.
So you mean to tell me she gonna know the difference between suicide pills and brown sugar? Come on, y'all.
I don't know, I just don't think it's right to say that she's out of her mind.
She seems to know exactly what she wants to do.
Well, this is easy for you to accept because you only see an old lady.
But that's my mother.
Now, how would you feel if this was happening to your mother? Nah, we couldn't let her do that.
But, Dad if you ever wanted to kill yourself, I would respect your decision.
We're talking about suicide.
You do realize how wrong that is morally, legally it even says so in the Bible.
Daddy, that's not a fact.
I mean, you know, the Bible got a lot of hidden loopholes, you know? You know, you just got to skim through it, and you got to accept it like one of those Apple user agreements.
I am sure glad your mama's not here to see any of this.
It doesn't matter if it's biblically wrong or legally wrong, what matters is what's best for Grandma, let's not forget that.
So you're really gonna be able to sleep at night knowing you stood by and watched someone that you love take their own life? Well, what's the other option? Forcing her to live a life against her will? You're damn straight! I've been doing that for years! Dad, I get it.
I know this is hard.
I know it's really, really tough, but a lot of families have to go through making a decision to pull the plug.
Yeah, but this is not no pull-the-plug situation.
This is pulling the plug out the wall and strangling her with the cord.
Okay, here they are, your favorites, my snickerdoodle cookies.
Okay, let's start talking game plan for how we gonna kill me.
Wait There is no game plan because this isn't happening.
I'm in this all by myself? No, Grandma, you're not.
I'm with you.
Yeah, me, too.
I don't want to see you suffer.
Has this whole family lost its damn mind? Well, Jerrod, I guess you gonna have to be my pillow man.
What's a pillow man? Well, in case the pills only do half the job, I need somebody I trust standing over me with a pillow, ready to finish the deed.
That can't be a real thing, can it? BOBBY: Well, Grandma, you got a pillow preference? Um Do you want to do Bless This House or Faith Love Hope? Which one? Let's let the pillow man decide.
I'm not deciding which uplifting pillow to kill my grandmother with.
But if you had to choose? Faith Love Hope.
My man.
I can't believe I'm saying this, Jerrod, but I'm not gonna stand here and let you kill my mama.
I know it's one of these.
Ha! I got the pills! Ain't nobody dying on my watch.
What you think about that, you two little black-ass Kevorkians? Dad.
You got some nerve coming up in here after you threatening to kill my mama.
Murderer! Dad, stop yelling.
You're embarrassing us in front of people at Wendy's, which is really hard to do.
Why did you follow me? I wanted to see if you were okay.
I guess I got so caught up in how Grandma felt I forgot to see how you felt.
You know, when I was a kid, my daddy used to come home drunk, ready to beat the hell out of me, and my mama would do whatever it took to keep that from happening.
She saved my life.
My daddy was a big man.
But she'd put herself between us and took that beating.
She rescued me when I was at my most vulnerable.
And now that she's at her most vulnerable, all I want to do is save her, but she won't let me.
Dad, this this isn't a problem that you can save her from.
Yes, I can, long as I got these pills.
Look, it doesn't matter that you have the pills.
She's determined to do this, you know.
Sh-She'll just find another way.
She'll jump off a bridge or walk in front of a truck or sit in a car I got it.
Okay.
You were right about something, okay? I am a little removed.
It is harder to lose a mother than it is a grandmother.
But maybe, maybe that's what you need right now, Dad someone who can be a little objective.
All right? And what I see is a woman who is determined to do this with or without you.
I don't know if I can walk around knowing I let my mama die like that.
(sighs) But, Dad, the only other option that you have is knowing that you're walking around without ever having the chance to say good-bye.
Man, that's some heavy stuff right there.
(grunts) (sighs) Took you long enough.
Look, do you know how hard it is to entertain a suicidal grandmother? Especially on an empty stomach.
I'm sorry, Bobby.
Next time I'll try and get Dad to accept his mom's death faster.
See that you do.
Hey.
I knew you'd come back.
Sorry I left.
(sighs) But I was just trying to protect you the way you always protected me.
You are protecting me, by letting me do this and being here to hold my hand.
Well, I don't know if I'm as strong as you are, but I'll do my best.
I love you, baby.
And I'm so proud of the man you've become.
Look how you raised your boys.
You're a so much better father than the one you had.
Thank you, Mom.
Of course now, the bar wasn't raised that high.
All you had to do was not beat your entire family.
So good job, son.
Now, baby, you don't have to be here while I take these.
No, I want to be here.
(exhales) All right, boys, come on in.
Hey, Grandma.
How are you feeling? Anything we can get you? I'm okay, sweetheart.
Man.
This could very well be our last moments with our grandma.
Bobby, these are definitely our last moments with our grandma.
(exhales) Look, Grandma, there's something that I've been meaning to get off my chest for, like, 20 years, and I just I guess I'll just tell you now.
When I was eight, I stole ten dollars from your purse to go to the ice cream truck.
I'm so sorry, Grandma.
Oh, that's all right, sweetie.
All you got to do is give me my money back and we'll be even-steven.
(laughs) Oh.
Oh, oh, you're serious.
I mean, all I got is this 20.
Inflation.
Man, you'll get that back in a minute.
Grandma, there's I don't know, there's so much I want to say to you right now, I don't know where to begin, I mean, last words are tough.
I really want to make sure I say the right thing to you.
Now, baby, don't put too much on this.
We've had a lot of great times over the years.
And there's nothing we need to say now that we haven't said already.
We just want to make this special for you.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I didn't eat dinner, and that Wendy's is smelling pretty good.
So why don't you hand me a burger, and we'll just let that be our last great moment together? Of course, Grandma, anything you want.
Oh, shoot.
It got cheese on it.
That's okay.
You know, Mom, we could always take the cheese off.
No, baby, you can still taste the cheese.
Cheese is overpowering.
Eh, that's okay.
I'll just die hungry.
Look at my boys.
I love you, little licorice sticks.
I mean, these candies just keep getting darker and darker.
- We love you, Mom.
- Yeah.
I love you very much.
We love you, Grandma.
(sighs): Yeah, I love you, Grandma.
Is she gone? Yeah, I think so.
(coughs) No, I'm still here.
Oh.
I thought I was going out, but I guess not.
Well, well, can we get you anything? Do me a favor.
Put on American Ninja Warrior.
I want to watch that as the angels whisk me away.
I don't think that should be your last show.
Y-You know, it should be something more epic, like, uh, Empire.
Have you watched Empire before? No, I haven't seen it.
But I've been meaning to check that out.
Put on the first episode.
Grandma I don't think this is the time for you to be starting a new series.
I mean, they're in their third season, and you're, you know killing yourself.
Well, Grandma, I got one more question, since you're not dead yet.
Did you really wish our mom was light-skinned? Bobby, don't bring that up now.
I was just trying to look out for y'all.
But don't worry, Bobby, when we meet Jesus, we're all one.
Jesus doesn't see color.
So what color do you think Jesus is? Well, I don't really think he's white, but I don't really think he's black, either.
So you're saying Jesus look like Drake? Yeah, yeah, that works.
I was thinking more Derek Jeter, though.
No, see, you crazy, man.
I-I, Jesus is more, like, handsome and angelic, like Jared Leto.
She's with Him now.
No matter what he look like.
Hmm.
(crying) Dad.
Dad, you know I can drive.
Shut up! I need to be in control.
Are you scared, Jerrod? Hell yeah, I'm scared, he's crying and driving.
Jerrod, turn on the radio.
I need to drown out my thoughts.
(sniffling) Because you know I'm all about that bass Oh, man.
Now, this is gonna be your grandma's death song.
Every time I hear it, I'm gonna think of her.
"All About That Bass"? Your grandma was all about that bass.
About that bass.
No treble at all.
Dad, Dad, you're going 85 miles per hour.
Your grandma was 85.
I will now only drive 85 in the memory of your grandma.
This is for you, Mama! (engine revs)