The Class s01e08 Episode Script

/If you missed The Class, /here's what you missed.
Kat met a hot guy who thought she was his blind date.
Sue? Sure.
What? You're hijacking someone's blind date? You can't do that.
/But then later, /when Ethan met the real Sue Excuse me.
Are you Dan? Yep.
/Kat's romance ended quickly.
This guy is aggressively dull.
/While Ethan's never ended.
I'm not going anywhere.
Where did you come from, Dan Slutsky? I'm gonna say Cincinnati? /Meanwhile, Richie and Lina /were getting even closer.
So I hear you have a girlfriend.
I believe I do.
What's she like? She's beautiful, she's sweet-- She's slipping.
She's slipping! There we go.
/But everything's about to change.
/And that's all you need to know.
It's 2:00 AM.
Sorry, I didn't mean to cut into your yelling at me time.
How was your boss' stupid band thing? Smokey and loud.
Pretty much what I expected.
Uh-huh.
So who's Lina Warbler? What? I said who's Lina Warbler? I--I don't--I don't-- Yeah, that's good.
Sputter more.
I mean, how big of an idiot are you? Did you really think you could get away with this behind my back? No.
How--how did you find out? I opened your letter from the insurance company.
You backed over her with your car? You should be put down.
Oh, oh, right.
No.
Lina Warbler's just the woman I hit with the car.
What do you mean, just? I mean, I didn't kill her.
I just hit her.
Yay! This isn't funny, dumb ass.
I mean, what if she sues us? She's not gonna sue us.
I talked to her when it happened.
She realizes it was an accident.
Oh, please.
People will say anything to get out from under an automobile.
I promise.
It's fine.
It better be.
Any more secrets you're keeping from me? No.
Than why is your eye twitching? Because I'm happy.
Okay, uh, sit down, sit down.
All right.
So there's this gallery downtown.
And they're gonna have a group show, and they're gonna let me submit a piece.
So I need opinions.
Dear God! What is this? It's a tongue.
It's not in a mouth.
No.
I've met this friend at the morgue.
I'm gonna do a whole series with body parts and cadavers-- God, look at me.
I'm like a schoolgirl.
Gah-ow! What is that? It's a buttock.
Huh.
You rarely see them out alone.
I'm sorry.
It's not that I am not horrified.
But I have to go.
I'll see you guys later.
Where are you off to? I'm, uh, meeting Sue.
Oh, good.
Another day as Dan Slutsky.
Dan who? Uh-- Can I tell it? Can I tell it? No! I'm seeing this woman who kind of thinks I'm a guy named Dan Slutsky.
Why does she think-- Because I told her I'm Dan Slutsky.
She came into this bar and she thought that Ethan was her blind date.
And since she was, like, incredibly hot, he said he was.
But now they've been going out a week and he still hasn't told her the truth.
It's like my new favorite show.
Well, I'm definitely going to tell her today.
Yeah, he said that yesterday.
He says that at the start of every episode.
I am going to.
It's just I-- I like her so much.
And she's beautiful and amazing and I don't want it to end.
There's gotta be some way to make her see past this.
Isn't there? I couldn't.
No? No, if I found out someone lied to me like that, forget it over and out! Wow! It's pretty black and white with you, huh? No lying.
Well, I just feel like the truth is really important.
Sure, the truth is-- Great.
Love the truth.
Huge fan.
But there have to be some cases where's there's a little wiggle room.
- No? - No.
No.
There ya have it.
Better hope your girl's not like this one.
Otherwise, you're screwed.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Mmm.
You smell like vanilla.
My son threw pudding at me this morning.
Still sexy.
And sticky.
It is good to see you, Mr.
Slutsky.
Um, yeah.
About that.
There's this thing I kinda wanted to talk to you about.
It's sorta crazy.
Dan! Sam--oof! Are you okay? My fault for not wearing a cup.
Dan, let's make fart noises.
We do not make fart noises.
Later.
We just have to drop him off at a birthday party.
- Then we'll have the day together.
- Great.
We can grab some lunch and then maybe we can talk about that thing I was gonna tell ya.
Okay.
But we might wanna eat at the party.
If I know this girl's dad, the food'll be incredible.
Is he a chef or something? Oh, I'd say he's definitely something.
Beep! Beep! Birthday veal piccata coming through! At Jessica's party, they had hot dogs.
Oprah, honey, I know she's your friend, but they're like cave people.
What's the matter? I just got off the phone with the Puppet People.
They took another job because we forgot to confirm.
That was my fault.
How could you forget to confirm with the Puppet People? I--I don't know.
They were on the invitations! Hello? Who did the calligraphy? OhmyGod.
It's all right.
We'll think of something.
Don't cry.
I wasn't going to.
I was talking to myself.
Hey, Sue.
Hi, Sam! Hi.
Go find Oprah.
Holly, I want you to meet-- Ethan! Uh, no.
Dan.
You're not Ethan Haas? Nope! Dan Slutsky.
Wow.
You look so much like this guy I went to school with.
I just saw him a weeks ago too.
He threw this awful party.
Well, I'm sure he did his best.
Probably spent a lot of money on food.
Believe me, he didn't.
I'll bet he did! Well, I stand corrected, guy who wasn't there.
Welcome.
Enjoy.
Oh, thank you.
What was that? I always feel bad for people whose parties are maligned and they're not there to defend themselves.
That's a weird thing to stand for.
I cannot disagree.
So since we're not doubling the top plates, you gotta make sure that the trusses are in line with the studs.
If you fell from here, would you die? Nah.
Would I? Yeah, probably.
- Hello? - Hey.
Do you wanna go to that Renaissance Fair thing this weekend? Sure--in fact, I have a jester's hat I can wear.
Really? Yeah, I will literally be there with bells on.
Oh, great.
I'll let you get back to work.
I'll talk to you later, okay? Love you.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I just told Richie I loved him.
Big step.
I didn't mean to.
Then stupid step.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! It's too soon.
What am I gonna do? Look, maybe he didn't understand what you were saying.
You know, I mean, I could believe that nobody's ever said those words to him before.
Oh I've got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Do you wanna see the pit of an actual stomach? No! Okay, I'm calling him back.
Maybe I can fix this.
Okay, but this right here? My new favorite show.
Hello.
Okay, forget that I said it.
I don't know why I said it.
It's okay that you said it.
It is? Yeah, because Well, I, um-- Oh, my God.
I think he's gonna say it.
You know, I-- He's saying it.
I love you too.
He said it.
So are we okay now? Oh, I'd say so.
Okay.
I'll talk to you later.
Love you.
Love you.
You, uh-- You just tell Lina you love her? Mm-hmm.
Dude, that's huge! Mm-hmm.
You okay? Mm-mmm! Hey.
I baked you guys some cookies.
Oh, really? Yeah, it's just my little way of saying that I don't have enough to do.
I'll have a cookie.
Hey, Rich, you want a cookie? Mm-mmm! Everything okay? Richie's freakin' out 'cause he just told Lina he loves her.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I'm not freaking out because I told Lina I loved her.
I'm freaking out because I-- What? I'm freaking out because I told her I loved her before I told her I'm married.
You're married? Oh, my God.
Like, you have a wife? Mm-hmm.
Like, you go home at the end of the day to a woman who's who's, like, your wife? Right.
- And Lina doesn't know? - No.
You don't get a cookie.
That is unbelievable.
You've got two women.
Yeah, I'm a player.
Hey, great party.
The kids are so excited about the Puppet People.
That was a coup.
Don't tell anyone.
They're not coming.
Seriously? No Puppet People? We forgot to confirm.
You've gotta confirm the Puppet People.
I know that.
The kids are gonna be so disappointed.
No, look, it's okay.
If you wanna know the truth, they're really overrated.
That's not true.
I know.
They bring it every time.
Ethan? Sorry, I'm Dan.
NotEthan? Nope, still Dan.
Ethan? Oh, come on! I'm sorry, it's just-- You look amazingly like this guy Ethan Haas.
Same face, same voice.
You've got the same flick-flick hair.
You just wannaooh! This is really weird.
What's going on? All right.
Remember that thing I was gonna tell you about this morning? This might be a good time for that.
Okay.
You know how I'm Dan Slutsky? Yeah.
I'm actually not so much.
What? I am Ethan Haas.
I don't understand.
Okay, when you came into the bar, and you asked me if I was Dan Slutsky, you were so beautiful, I just-- I had to be him.
Oh, my God.
So everything you told me was a lie? Not everything! Are you a lawyer fighting big tobacco? No.
Did you swim in the Olympics in Athens? No.
This is the most-- I don't even know what to say.
I am so sorry.
I have no excuse.
But I really like you, and I feel like we have a real connection here.
Please, if there's any way we can just look past this.
Are you crazy? You lied to me.
You let me introduce you to my kid.
I totally hear where you're coming from.
But look at it from my side.
What's your side? It's pretty much the same as your side, except you're rooting for me more.
Whatever your name is, you're a real jerk.
You know, this might not be the best time to tell you, but The Puppet People aren't coming.
I just still can't believe you're married.
Yeah, well, imagine how Lina's gonna take it.
I'm falling! Dude, you're, like, a foot off the ground.
So how long have you two been together, you and-- Fern.
You married a woman named Fern? Your husband's name is Yonk.
Sure.
We met in college, and she was my first girlfriend so the bar was pretty low.
We, uh, we've been married five years.
Five wretched, miserable, soul-killing years.
How could you not tell Lina? I know, I should have.
It's just--I was so afraid I'd lose her if I did.
Now, that's exactly what's gonna happen.
- You don't know.
- I do know.
She said this morning if anyone lies to her, it's over.
And this isn't a little lie.
This is the big one.
Okay, well, what if instead of telling her that you have a wife, tell her that you had a wife.
I can't kill her.
Believe me, I've thought about it.
No, no, no, no.
I'm saying, why don't you leave the wife before you tell Lina? Oh.
Thanks.
How's it going? Oh, I've been better.
You know, I realized the last time I saw you, you were being dumped by a girl at a party.
That's true.
In fact, I can't remember the last time I went to a party when you weren't being dumped.
- Too soon? - Uh-huh.
What are we going to do? People keep asking me when the Puppet People are gonna start.
Okay.
I'll handle this.
Everyone, could I have your attention please? Kids, come on.
Sit, sit, sit.
Atención.
Atención.
I'm afraid the Puppet People won't be performing today.
Aww.
But the good news is we're still gonna have a puppet show.
Yay! What are you doing? You married me for a reason.
I'm going in! OhdearGod.
Hello, everybody.
I'm Mr.
Argyle.
I am very happy now.
Perhaps it's time for a little song.
* Today is the day we celebrate * * A very special girl * * You know the one I'm speaking of * * It's Oprah Liza Pearl * * Today * * We're feeling gay * * They're gonna say hip, hip, hip, hooray * * For Oprah's birthday * That sock can sing! * Ba ba ba dop, hey! * Believe me, I've thought about leaving Fern.
There are days that's all I think about.
So? She's terrifying.
The idea of actually telling her it's over-- This may shock you, but I'm not a very strong person.
You know, maybe you're stronger than you think.
No, I-- Besides, there was never anything to leave for until I met Lina.
And that was, like breathing for the first time.
Yeah, man.
Now you have a reason.
Look, I know marriage is--is a big deal.
But people deserve to be with the people they love.
I think Richie knows it's a little more complicated than that.
Is it? If you love two people-- I don't.
I just love one-- If you love two people it is not always clear what to do.
Well, if your heart is telling you what to do, - My heart is telling me-- - Hang on a second, Rich.
If your heart is telling you what to do, then how can you not do it? I'm leaving my wife.
- It's not that simple.
- Yes, it is.
Hello.
Leaving my wife.
Hi, there! You're right, if I leave Fern first, there's a chance I might still have Lina.
I've gotta do this! I've gotta do this now.
Are you sure this is what you want? I've never been more sure of anything.
Oh, God, this is really happening, isn't it? I've been dreading this moment for six years.
Why am I smiling? 'Cause, man.
It's a good thing.
Now you go tell her.
I'm gonna do it! - Go! - Good luck.
Keys.
I just threw something to you and you caught it.
I know.
Everything's changing.
Fern? Fern? Uh, it's open.
May I help you? Are you Lina Warbler? Yes.
Hi.
I'm Fern Velch.
Richard Velch's wife.
* Because it's O-P-R-A-H-- apostrophe, S * * It's Oprah's birthday-ay * * That was amazing.
You were so good.
Really? Yeah, you were.
You saved her birthday.
Your hand smells.
I'm just glad I could help.
So how many weeks have you been working on that? What? Honey.
You had 14 different rhymes for "Oprah.
" You were never gonna confirm the Puppet People, were you? You'll never prove it.