The Durrells (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Aagh! Thank God for that.
If I have to eat another kumquat, I'll throw up.
I was nearly killed! You need to get that fixed.
We haven't got any money to get it fixed.
Oh, big boom! Mm, or as we say in English, vadg-galoop.
It's difficult enough to learn a language without making words up! - Vadg-galoop.
- I'll stop when she stops hating me.
Look! An agama! Theo says their skin darkens when they're upset.
Gerry, run down, find Spiros.
Tell him to beg the landlord to help us.
Gerry! - Come here! - Gerry! It's escaping! Peenygrip.
Peenygrip.
Grip.
Peenygreep.
- Peenygreep.
- Yes.
- Margo, go and find Spiros and -- - I can't leave the house.
- Max said he'd be dropping by.
- To see me, not you.
Did he tell you how much he loved the rise and fall of your breasts? Bye! Right.
I'll do it myself! Mrs Durrells, I'm sorry.
The landlord will do no more repairs because you owe him rent.
But I'll pay him when the money finally comes in from England.
- How long you wait for your money? - Oh Three weeks.
It's not very much.
It's just my widow's pension.
It just seems to be held up at the bank.
Those bank son-of-a-bitches! Mrs Durrells, get in the car.
Ehoume kapio problima etho! Ta katalavenis! Ta katalavenis! You think Miss Durrell came from England to be robbed? Eh? She could have gone to Spain! Katalavenis afto? Mas kanis resily stin Evropy.
Tha xanapo! Find her money! They need more street lamps.
That's what the stars are for.
C'est matin, c'est matin When the sun is shining C'est matin, c'est matin I only feel like whining C'est matin, c'est matin - I only - Max! Hey, Larry! It's Max! - And Donald.
- And Donald! But mainly Max.
Moonlight drinking upon the shore That's what the stars are for, the stars are for! - Bugger off! - C'est matin C'est matin, I only feel like - Hello, Larry.
- Open up! - Come in.
- We come for refreshment.
- Hooray.
- We haven't got any booze or food.
- Hooray - Wait.
What? - We're broke.
We're living on bloody kumquats.
- Kum-whats? - Quats.
What the hell are you nearly wearing? Let's go into town to get some ouzo.
- Good idea.
- I'm gonna stay and chat with Margo.
No I'll come with you.
Margy-bargy, stay, get your beauty snooze.
- Beauty sleep.
- Right, let's go.
Hello.
I can stay.
Or I could just watch you sleep.
Why are you? Theo! My companion in zoology.
- Kalimera.
- Kalimera.
- I've brought you these bee flies.
They can't decide if they are bees or flies.
Don't tell them, but they are flies.
Wow.
Could you show half that excitement for your other studies? I hesitate to mention it, but Mama Kondos up at her farm -- - Lugaretzia's auntie.
- .
.
she has six new puppies.
- Yes! - No.
No more pets.
Go and make Theo some tea, please, Gerry.
How are you settling in to the island? Corfu is wonderful, Theo.
Or it would be had our funds arrived and the children were more helpful.
It's all so frugal and Well, male.
Leslie! Foraging! I'm going.
I miss the company of women, Theo.
Mrs Patridis is nice.
You'd get on.
My Greek isn't up to it.
I'm still on the numbers.
No, she's English.
Married to Dr Patridis.
- You should drop in on her.
- Oh Morning, darling.
I saw your Larry and two friends just now in Yanni's Bar in town.
- Arm wrestling.
- That will be Max and Donald.
If you think about it, Mussolini is bad enough but he's essentially a nincompoop.
- Whereas Hitler is -- - No more about him, Donald.
- I'm on holiday! - When are you not on holiday? Oh - Hello, Margo.
- What are you all doing here? Donald thinks we were put here by God.
Max is more of a Determinist.
- Let me - You mean in the bar.
We're maundering drunkedly.
Oh.
Guten Morgen, Margo.
Wie geht's? No, seriously.
I love German.
And Germans.
Wagner.
I can hire a boat to take us to see Die Meistersinger in Athens.
- I'd rather pull out my toes.
- He means toenails.
I wasn't inviting you, Max.
Margy-bargy.
You are very nice.
But no.
I need to lie down.
Under a tree.
En olivenbaum.
But Henry the Eighth wanted a divorce because he was desperate for a male heir.
So he bought a huge eagle, and a monkey, and he took them to see the Pope.
- Did he really? - Of course he didn't.
Gerry, concentrate.
You need an education.
Even zookeepers need an education.
I'm learning new things every day.
I just enjoy being outside.
I am not going to sit outside on the terrace being eaten alive by bugs.
- Isn't it bad luck -- - No.
So Henry the Eighth lost patience with the Pope so He called me Margy-bargy! He thinks I'm a buffoon.
Oh, darling! Darling! Oh.
Gerry, tortoises off the table.
Soup's a bit thin, I'm afraid.
I had to cobble it together from You don't need to know.
Oh, Margo.
Don't be unhappy.
You know what they say.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs -- - Max is German, not French.
- No, I didn't mean -- I've never kissed him and I never will because, to him, I am nothing.
I am a flea.
If you were a flea, you'd be able to jump 160 feet high.
Apart from anything, like Max being a maniac, you are only 16.
He's not a maniac! Mm, something smells good! - Oh, no, wait.
That's me.
- A cheerful Durrell.
We don't get many of those round these parts.
Alexia was mucking around with this straw hat and Oh, God, she's so funny.
She made us these rings out of a squid because she said we're soul mates.
Sorry.
Mm, what did you make this out of, weeds? Yes, I did.
Oh.
So I went to the bank again today.
Still no sign of our money.
God, it's quiet.
Where's Larry? Presumably he's off with Donald and Max.
Ah! Qvick! I vill die vizzout champagne! You know she's in love with Max.
Is she? - Why? - Be kind to her.
You too, Gerry.
Encourage her.
Unrequited love can be so painful.
I wouldn't know.
Bloody peenygrip all day.
Wake up! I want you all out foraging! For food, something to sell! Or a job! Anything! We need food or we are all on the next boat home! Morning.
Get up.
- Yia sas.
Mama Kondos? - Nai.
My name is Gerry.
Yia sou, Gerry.
Thank you.
My friend Theo says you have puppies.
Puppies.
Yes.
Come.
Aah.
Hello.
- Can I have one? - Yes, soon.
Need Mummy now.
I love him.
Her.
Him? Ella, ella, ella, ella! Hello, I'm Louisa Durrell.
Oh, hello.
I'm afraid my husband is out on a call.
- No, I don't need a doctor.
- Oh, right.
What do you need? I was told you're English.
- Yes, I am.
- So am I! Lucky us! I mean, not lucky, lucky us.
I mean Well Er I was hoping you might have some advice on how to survive here.
Well, I wanna be Won't she come and let me rock you in my cradle of love? Now, that is foraging.
Ah, tea.
Lovely.
In fact, it's salep.
- Made from the tubers of orchids.
- Oh.
Well, that would raise a few eyebrows in Bournemouth.
Yes, one reason why I like it.
That's exactly the kind of thing I say.
Is that where you're from, Bournemouth? No, no.
We just ended up there after my husband died.
We didn't really fit in, so I moved us all here.
I always found England so frigid.
Well, my children were struggling.
Larry wanted to be a writer but was the worst estate agent in Hampshire.
While Margo was turning into a twit.
Right.
Gerry loathes school.
Leslie wanted to shoot anything that moved.
And that's getting better now? What about you? Oh, I just love it here.
Especially as there are no hordes of English exiles drinking G&Ts and rattling their pearls.
- Have some kabuni.
- Oh, thank you.
Remind me again what it is.
A local dessert.
Ram's broth combined with cloves.
You need the sweet sauce with it.
Oh, sorry.
I'm starving! Mm.
Oh, yes.
There's the sheep coming through.
Ah.
You're one of those Brits abroad who wants rock cakes and roly-poly.
No, no, not at all.
Such a difference between expats and committed migrants.
You can be proud of being British and miss it yet still embrace your new home.
Is that like being married, but still fancying your old boyfriend? At least old boyfriends don't lose our money as they have done here.
Stupid Corfu.
Not letting you come and instantly and buy up our island.
I don't want to buy it up.
I'm just tired of living like beggars.
Well, I I won't take up any more of your time.
- Yiasas! - You too.
You must go and find more food.
No, another time.
My mother will sort something out.
She is very plucky.
I've been foraging like you said.
And I've picked all these berries.
Did you eat any at all? - Not really.
- Oh, good.
- I went to Mama Kondos' house.
- Gerry, I told you -- Who knows what will happen to the puppies if I don't take one? How will we feed a puppy? We can barely feed ourselves.
- It can live off the berries.
- Dogs don't eat berries, darling.
- Roger does.
- Roger's always been a bit odd.
I've got something we can sell! I found it by the road.
It's antique.
Oh.
Ha Farm of Vasilli.
So, Vasilli Farm.
Sorry.
Er We're new here! Nobody say anything.
Let's hope a magic bloody beanstalk comes up.
Gerry! Gerry! Ferame to koulouki! - Kalimera.
- Kalimera.
Oh, er Gerry.
Gerry's puppy.
Hello.
Hello.
Stop! This is it! - Whoa! - Or as we say in Germany - What? - No, we say the same.
You've been gone for days.
Well, fun takes time and commitment.
Did you know there was a melon festival? You knew I needed help, Larry.
Would you mind not embarrassing me in front of my friends? I am sorry, Mrs Durrell.
We lost track of time.
It was a really good melon festival.
He is excellent company.
Do your imitation of a man trying to be served in a crowded bar! - Maybe not now.
- Three whiskeys, bitte! Please! Like that but more funny! OK, OK.
I am tired of you living it up while we struggle.
- Help us.
- I was helping.
By being one less mouth to feed.
Is that the best you can come up with? I sent my short story to England.
- That will bring us a tidy sum.
- No.
No, it won't.
Even if it's accepted, you'll earn a pittance.
- What's wrong with her? - She's in love with Max.
- No, that won't work.
- Well, give her some advice.
You're always talking about how worldly-wise you are.
I .
.
gather you need some advice about love.
- No.
- Well, I'm here now.
Obviously you should forget Max, who is out of your league, and go for Donald.
Stop moping about the house and think about him, poor sod.
Donald will be such a reliable companion for you.
- I think she'll be all right now.
- Is that it? Is that your friendly advice? You didn't say friendly.
She doesn't need a reliable companion.
I meant tell her she's beautiful.
Or clever.
So she's unhappy in love.
Aren't we all? I'm missing Nancy.
You've got nobody.
I've got all of you! And I am just trying to make it through the week! I've told the others I want you all out foraging for food or money -- - I'll ask Max for money.
- Oh, no, you won't.
- Have you no pride? - No.
I've got most of the seven deadly sins, - but that one seems a bit silly.
- We don't want charity.
We are a resourceful and independent family.
Right! Oh, that's right.
Go on, shoot your mother! - That will solve all your problems! - I'm going hunting.
You want to turn us into medieval scavengers.
Larry, you don't know how to shoot.
How hard can it be? It really hurts, you know! You should try childbirth.
You should try war.
Yes, because us women spent the last war giggling and shopping (!) - Aaghh! - Come on, Larry.
You know you take even moderate pain badly.
Suddenly it's bad to be sensitive? Leslie, would you please have a kind word with Margo? She's an emotional wreck.
Wait, some guidelines.
Don't mention your own happy love life.
Don't tell her to pull herself together.
Just Just think about what you're saying.
- It's fine, I'll come back later.
- No, come in.
Larry's at death's door, you'd think.
Mm.
Mind you, your average layman doesn't realise what a punch the Westley Richards Boxlock model packs.
No.
Mum says you need some advice about your love problem.
I'd say lose some weight.
Most men don't go for fat girls.
Lunch from the woods.
Well done, darling.
These.
eat dead.
Look what arrived for you this morning.
- My puppy! - From Mama Kondos.
It's the wrong one.
I hope she hasn't given mine away! I'm going to take it back and swap it! Leslie! Leslie! Go and get Spiros! Run! Let's go now! - He's sweating like a Turk.
- What's wrong with him? Maybe he ruptured an internal organ when he fell.
Who is the very best doctor on Corfu? - Dr Patridis.
Because he's the only doctor.
- What? - Two doctors died last year.
- That's not a good sign, is it? Do you know Dr Patridis? No, I've met his wife.
I don't like the looks of him.
- Oh! - Spiros! This isn't good for Larry.
I apologise.
The roads were better in Chicago.
- Oh, hello.
- It's my eldest boy.
I'm afraid my husband is on Lefkada for a few days.
The only qualified doctor on Corfu and you've allowed him to leave the island? Please help us! Bring him in.
I think it's his appendix.
Sudden pressure can rupture it.
- What can we do? - I don't know.
- Darling.
- Hello! Hello! Hello, everyone.
- I heard what happened.
- Theodore studied medicine.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Only for a month or two.
Though I've carried on studying for my own satisfaction.
- Aagh! - Suspected appendicitis following abdominal trauma.
If he just lies there and shuts up for once, will he be all right? No, it needs to be cut out immediately before it bursts.
- Who can do that? - I can have a go.
- No.
- No.
- No.
I'm not a qualified nurse but I've helped with anaesthetic before.
Get him ready.
Please find any books on the subject.
Where's he going? I'm sorry, but I promised your brother.
Don't worry.
I'll keep you too.
Yiasas! Yia sou, Gerry.
Thank you for bringing the puppy.
But I need another one.
Do you still have them? How dare you? Can't you see that's so cruel? What if someone buried you alive? Or your daughters? So I hear you are crazy for a German boy.
But he's not crazy for you.
We don't need to talk about it.
No, it's good.
- It takes your mind off your brother.
- I gave her my advice.
She didn't like it.
You know my advice? Get fatter.
Men don't like skinny girls.
I don't know why I'm getting upset.
He's really annoying.
It's every parent's biggest fear.
Your child being in pain.
You don't have children? No.
Well, you've saved yourself all this.
The body is surprisingly strong.
Hello! Anyone home? It's all right.
Stay here.
I'll be home soon.
Promise.
OK.
Roger! This is my friend Sven.
As I hoped, he has done this operation before.
Once.
On an animal.
In anatomical terms, there is little difference.
Between Mrs Patridis's experience, my book knowledge, and Sven's -- Sven's butchery of the odd goat.
This is my son.
- I'm afraid there isn't much choice.
- Can't we get him off the island? To Athens or Italy.
There must be a boat.
18 hours away, and that's if you're lucky.
It's too late, and the journey would kill him.
I'm sorry, Mrs Durrell, it is this or the worst will happen.
I'm very hopeful.
They're probably going to want money from us.
- For Larry's operation.
- We're going to have to get jobs.
Oh, really? - Whoa! - Oh, God, it's Max.
Whoa.
What must I do? Oh, yes.
Try and look thin.
- Our driver heard from another driver that Larry's sick.
- You can't go in.
They're cutting him open.
Poor Larry.
Hello, Margo.
Hello, Donald.
Oh Hello, Margo.
I I'm sorry about Larry.
Larry is as well as can be expected, darling.
Hello, Larry.
He won't be out of the anaesthetic for a while.
Whatever happens, thank you.
Anybody would have done the same.
No, they wouldn't.
I I'd better go and check on the patient.
If you'll excuse me, I have to rush off.
Leaving my pig only half-fed.
Hates that.
- Do drop by and see me.
- I will.
I'd like that.
I play the accordion, you know.
Is that a threat (?) - Are you in a good mood? - What have you done? I went to Mama Kondos to take the wrong puppy back - and she was burying all the other puppies alive.
- Oh, no.
So I saved them just in time.
- She's nice, but that was a terrible thing.
- Well They do things differently here, Gerry.
I had to take them all away.
So now we have to keep all six puppies.
Well All right, you can keep two.
- Thank you.
- You have to find homes for the others.
- Spiros is having one.
- No.
I'm in charge of my house.
Animals are for the farm only.
And the dinner table.
Not dogs.
We don't eat dogs.
Except hotdogs! It's all my fault.
I sent Larry off with a gun and a hangover.
When will I learn just to enjoy their company? Mrs Durrells, you are the perfect mother.
- Thank you, Spiros.
- No bullshit.
I have to drive my car.
I'll be back soons.
Spiros! Spiros! - Kalimera! - Kalimera.
Kalimera ipa! They are good people! Oh, come on, Larry.
Say something.
You always say something.
- So Larry, how's tricks? - Sshh! (Tell him to stop shouting.
) Thank you.
Does this tea have some sort of special root in it? No, normal tea.
And biscuits.
All right, perhaps there's a bit of me that misses England.
Oh! There's a man in Corfu Town who knows a woman who can get Ovaltine.
No, thank you.
When I'm in a foreign country, I only like to eat local food.
Signomi, Pater.
Signomi.
Mrs Durrells, I went to the bank and got your money.
Oh, thank you, Spiros.
You are so good to me.
To all of us.
You're English, my favourite peoples.
- You didn't shout at the bank clerk, did you? - Why would I shout? - Well, you do shout at people, Spiros.
- What? - Champagne, Spiros? - Sure.
- Yiamas! Larry.
Larry, our money's arrived.
But it's yours.
For your short story.
Well done.
I'm a proper writer.
I have some advice.
Oh, God, not you too, Gerry.
Sorry, I have to.
Mum said.
I've been thinking about this.
The black widow spider shakes its bottom to attract its chosen mate.
So perhaps you could do that to Max.
- Are you going to do it? - No, Gerry.
In fact I'm giving up on love for ever! .
.
on love for ever! Welcome.
Larry has woken up.
- He's on the mend.
- I'm so glad.
Getting the taste for it now.
Think I'm ready for some brain surgery.
I realised I don't know anything about you.
You know us Scandinavians.
We like to be a little enigmatic.
- What brings you to Corfu? - Same as you, no doubt.
Lure of an ancient civilisation.
Land of Homer.
And you can't take your shirt off in Stockholm without getting frostbite.
No.
No, I had the same problem in Bournemouth.
Is there a Mrs Sven? No.
Is there a Mr Durrell? No.
No.
Not any more.
I didn't want to offend you and I also didn't want to assume, but I must pay you for Larry's operation.
I'm not sure how much -- No, you just spoilt it all.
Oh, Margo.
It's not easy, is it? Ade telionetai! Siga mia tripa sto tavani inai.
Ade telionetai, then tha sas perimenoumai mekri ta christouyenna kai to paska! Zito pou hathikame, ande grigora.
- Oh! - Sorry.
Sorry.
Viamenos! Sorry.
No! Ena milo then boroume na famai? No, take them away.
I did not survive a major operation carried out by hobbyists just to eat more kumquats.
They're very plentiful actually.
You can live quite nicely just from what you find in hedgerows.
Why are they putting the table in the sea? To keep us cool.
It was Leslie's idea.
He doesn't have many, so please be kind about this one.
So aren't you going to thank me? Where do I start? - There's so much.
- For giving you my story money.
I don't think your pension is going to arrive any time soon.
So you'll be sponging off me forever now I'm a professional author.
Use your powers for good, won't you? Don't be one of those awful writers who pokes fun at his family.
Don't worry.
I'll be too busy writing about sex.
Artists like me need to live outside the normal rules of society.
Which in practice means getting drunk.
A lot.
Where are you going? Come back! - Wheel me! - Can't get your wound wet.
- Have to stay on the beach.
- What? - No! - Is the tide coming in? No, it's Mediterranean.
It's only a small one.
- I checked.
It's going out.
- I'm lonely! Lugaretzia, would you please pass the .
.
the strange fruit? Lugaretzia, you can't ignore Gerry for ever.
Particularly as you're still ignoring Larry.
- He shout at my auntie.
- She's got a point.
- She was being cruel.
We mustn't criticise other people's customs and traditions.
- We can if they do horrible things.
- Kolopetho! - Kolopetho! - What's he shouting? - 'Arsehole'.
- What? Lugaretzia taught him it.
She told him it means hello.
Ahoy there! - We are leaving! - Where are you going? Don't know! That way! Get better, Larry! Goodbye, Margo! - Goodbye, Margo! - Aren't you going to say goodbye? Margo, come aboard for a drink! Go on, then.
Give me your advice.
- Never again.
- Never again, darling.
- No.
- Come on, Margo! Come on! What are you waiting for? I'm coming! Woooo! - Keep coming! - Margo, keep going! - Swim! - Come on! The tide is rising, you know.
- No, it isn't.
- No, it is.
Yeah, it is actually.
Come on.
Woo! Welcome onboard.
Young love.
What about old love? If you mean me, I'm not old.
And don't start that again.
Come on, you and the Flying Finn.
- He's from Sweden.
- The same thing.
I know naked lust when it's in the room.
You are an idiot.
See you later! Bye-bye! She is coming back, isn't she? Um Margo! Darling, come back! He's not right for you! Margo! - You like the accordion? - No, not really.
Margo is going to come and work here for a week.
- When can you start? - As soon as possible.
- In the autumn.
He's beautiful.
Aren't you, Alecko? If you had a son, would you let him go fishing with a convict? Gerry is a very good judge of character.
Gerry, who we found chatting to a rat.
Brrrk! Brrrk!