The Good Place (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis

1 Good afternoon, Eleanor.
What can I get you today? Whoa.
Lot of new flavors.
Michael felt bad about the sinkhole, so he wanted to give you all a little treat.
I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery.
" Whoa.
It somehow tastes how I felt when my cell phone was fully charged.
Oh, I'm so relaxed.
But they all look good.
This might take me a while.
You know what, Gunnar, uh, why don't you go ahead? - Thanks so much, Eleanor.
- Mm-hmm.
- What can I get you, Gunnar? - Hi, Janet.
- Can I have some Folded Laundry? - Coming up.
[indistinct chatter] [upbeat music] Chidi! You'll never believe it.
I was at the frozen yogurt place and I didn't know what I wanted, so I turned to the guy behind me, and I was like, "Why don't you go ahead?" [gasps] Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead?" O-okay? Dude, you don't understand! I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth.
But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons, I didn't hold up the line.
I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line.
You do that? No, Chidi, I used to do that.
Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it.
That's great.
I-I'm proud of you.
So where's our yogurt? Ugh.
I forgot it.
Oh Can you go? I don't want to go all the way back.
I ran all the way here and it was so hot.
I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would.
Good person.
So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.
I like this one.
It's simple.
Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one? Ah, but here's the problem.
If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war Oh, dip, I get it.
It's like, I knew this girl Sheila? She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
Um, okay, what? Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota.
It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker.
So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops.
I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.
Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma.
- Well done.
- Thanks! Um - Uh, yes, Jianyu? - Can I be excused? Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.
- Go ahead, man.
- Yes! So, you want to roll right into another lesson? I am revved up to learn, man.
My brain is horny! Um, can we take a little break? I've been standing at this chalkboard all day.
Oh, yeah, I get it.
Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote on the concept of Dharma.
Six pages, and I didn't even do that thing where I try to make it longer by starting every sentence with "Interestingly" Sure, I'll do that and, uh we can start another lesson.
Ah, Tahani.
I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter.
Tell me what you think.
That "New Yorker" article was crazy.
You haven't seen "Hamilton"? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie? - Very well done, Michael.
- Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.
A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis? - Mm-hmm.
- Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis? It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience.
Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear? [device chimes] [gasps] It appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself.
This is very bad, Janet.
We have to go into the sinkhole and fix it by hand.
Get the tools.
Sorry, can I be of any service? - Ah, Tahani.
- Didn't see you there.
Uh, no, no.
We're just having a slight problem with the enormous sinkhole.
Yes, I meant to tell you I walked past it last night and I I actually saw it get a little bit bigger.
[screams] It got bigger? Ah, well, that's that's so normal.
Um, this is the reaction I have when things are incredibly mundane and expected.
I'm gonna leave now at my regular pace, as I do in most scenarios.
Finally! Let's get back to it.
Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me what you're working with.
Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some blankets.
Great, I'll grab my sweater.
I can practice letting people cut in front of me.
You know, uh, I just realized that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap using the several blankets that I already have.
Good night.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
What's wrong? Out with it.
I'm just tired, need a break.
No big deal.
The way you're talking to me right now? "Everything's cool, no big deal" I know that move.
When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid.
" Wow.
Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal.
Dude, you're hiding something! - What's wrong? - Nothing! What is wrong? [device chimes] Jianyu second.
Oh, well done, my love.
So where am I? Eleanor 6th? Come on.
Oh, no.
I'm second to last.
Mummy, I made you this.
It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden.
Thank you, Tahani.
It's very competent.
I made a bird, as well.
I worked in a reflective alloy, holding up a mirror to mankind and its mistreatment of these defenseless animals.
Excellent, Kamilah.
I sense the influence of Brancusi and Kapoor.
It seems you're moving out of your structural period, and more into conceptual abstraction.
Good eye, Mother.
I grew tired of objective representation.
I trust my audience.
My birdie has a hat.
Yes, well done, Tahani.
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
- Would you stop doing that? - What's wrong? - Okay, fine! - What's wrong? You want to know what's wrong? You are a full-time job.
I wake up, there's Eleanor.
I spend all day teaching Eleanor.
And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor.
" Oh, this is a nice dream, my grandma's here.
Wait, she's got Eleanor's face! And tentacles for some reason.
I thought you liked teaching me.
So now I'm just some huge burden for you? Yes! Of course you are! I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.
That's your idea of paradise? You know, and I can't stop helping you, because then I am shirking my ethical duty.
It's an impossible position! You know what, if you're so stressed from writing on a chalkboard, why don't you just leave? We can pretend to be soul mates in public, but other than that, we don't have to see each other! Fine with me! I'll move out right now.
Fine! [alarm blares] Good afternoon.
As you all may remember, a sinkhole recently opened up in the town center.
The situation, sadly, has worsened.
Starting right now, no one may go outside under any circumstances.
Leaving your homes could result in catastrophic damage, to you and to the very fabric of the universe.
Okay, bye.
Or we could both just stay here.
We hope you enjoy your eternal stay in the Good Place.
Take advantage of our day spa, or Janet a magical assistant who can get you whatever you want.
You mind turning that off? It's been playing on a loop for two days.
The whole Neighborhood is offline.
We only get the welcome channel.
I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school.
[gasps] What have you done to me, you monster? Look at all these dishes piling up.
I used to just throw them in the sink, and they'd be magically cleaned by morning.
I did that.
I cleaned the dishes.
Oh.
Then what's up with these bad boys? You are unbelievable.
Are you still upset? - You're not over it yet? - How can I be over it? We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days.
Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice "vacation" from your "full-time job.
" Get your story straight, bro! [knocking] Hey, guys, it's Michael.
Hi, Michael, what a lovely surprise.
Oh, I'd love to make small talk I've been practicing, too.
I'm amazing at it but I'm in a bit of a rush here.
This is Bart and Nina.
They live right next door to the, uh, sinkhole, so they obviously need a place to stay.
I was wondering, as my assistant, maybe you could put them up for a while? Oh, of course.
Don't don't think twice.
Okay, shouldn't take long.
Between an hour and, um 11 months.
Somewhere in there.
Okay, bye.
Don't go outside.
[door closes] Ha [chuckles] Hello, everyone, and welcome to day three of our brunch siege.
I stayed up all night to plan a full day of fun activities.
Just check the schedule I made.
Tahani, you are truly the best.
Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you, Henriette? [device chimes] Still second to last.
[sighs] [indistinct chatter] Tahani! This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure.
5.
2 million isn't bad.
It's very "middle-thermometer.
" Your public failure is our public failure.
You know what has to be done.
I'm very pleased to announce that there has been an addition to today's docket.
I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah.
[cheers and applause] Yes.
Kamilah.
Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy.
" So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.
[applause] I am auctioning off a lunch date with me.
[crowd exclaims] The bidding shall commence at £3 million.
[excited murmuring] 5 million! [crowd exclaims] Thank you guys so much.
- Sorry for the imposition.
- Oh, bah.
Oh, well, if you want to know the truth, we asked Michael if we could stay with you.
We are obsessed with your relationship.
Always whispering, locking yourself in the house all day.
I thought I was an expert in true love 'cause of my old job, but I have a lot to learn from you guys.
Your job? What was your job? I was a marriage counselor.
You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships.
And I did! [both laughing] It's called, "How to Spot Problems in a Marriage From 100 Miles Away.
" both: Oh, cool.
- Really cool.
- Cool.
- Really, really cool.
- Cool, cool.
And what about you, Bart? Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly as interesting.
I started a company that investigated identity theft.
Analyzing body language, tracking and catching people pretending to be someone they're not.
It's pssh, snooze, am I right? [both chuckling] They're gonna catch us! This is an extremely precarious situation! I am vexed, Eleanor! A marriage counselor and a human lie detector isn't my first choice for company, either.
But they have no reason to suspect us! Plus, I think they may have actually just come here to, you know, swing.
I say we do it.
It'll get 'em to stop asking questions.
No, I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me! Really? You and I are very different.
Yeah, I noticed! You know what, man? I have spent every second in this place worried I was gonna get caught, but if we go down right now, that's on you, okay? Oh, you spend all your time teaching a charming, awesome lady? How sad for you.
Face it, dude.
I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.
Because guess what, Chidi? - Ya basic! - Eleanor Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out.
Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.
No, Eleanor, look.
So how much of that did you hear? We couldn't hear you, but I'm an expert in non-verbal communication, and it is clear you are in conflict.
We're not judging you.
This has been a tough couple of weeks.
I'm sure the stress of the sinkhole has caused lots of soul mate squabbles.
Yes, that's what it is.
A squabble.
- We're squabbling.
- Squabble, squabble! I can help.
I'm gonna take your relationship and put it under a microscope and dig and poke and prod until you are back to soul mate harmony.
Eleanor, why don't you She never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.
We just have different interests.
I like relaxing, he likes getting on my case about the dishes.
I'm getting a lot of repressed anger.
I suspected this when I arrived, but now I'm sure.
- You are hiding something.
- What on earth would I be No, no, no, not you.
Him.
Please go back inside.
It isn't safe to be out of your home.
Please go back inside.
Janet, could you see what's wrong? Everything.
Ugh.
My goodness! It's even worse than I thought.
Tahani, what're you doing here? Well, everyone else might be okay staying inside, but I wanted to help.
So I've brought some cheer and sustenance to raise your spirits.
Look, I made donut holes.
Do you get it? "Donut holes"? Sinkhole.
- Funny, no? - No, too soon.
By exactly nine days.
Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous.
If a human gets too close to it, there could be disastrous side effects.
[shimmering tones] What's what's happening to me? Oh, that's one of the side effects.
Janet, knock her out while we still have time.
Knock me out? What does that Boop.
Guys, really, it's no big deal.
"It's not a big deal" is nearly always code for "something is wrong.
" Boom! That's what I said.
I should've been a marriage counselor.
Okay, Chidi, out with it.
What is so unsatisfying about your soul mate relationship? Be honest, Chidi.
Be, like, the exact right amount of honest so that we can both be happy.
I never had a soul mate on earth.
I-I never even really had a girlfriend that I "loved.
" And when I got here, and Michael said I would finally meet my actual soul mate, I was so excited.
And it isn't exactly what I thought.
You've never had an intense relationship before.
This is all uncharted territory.
No wonder you're so tense.
You know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage.
Uh, not erotic massage.
Although, it can be, and it often leads there, anyway Okay, well, you know what? You guys have given us so much to think about.
And I think we should go to bed.
Just the two of us, alone.
Just us.
[whispers] I know it's not the right time, but I told you.
Tahani, wake up, dear.
Michael.
Did it work? Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine? No, you did something catastrophically stupid and we had to knock you unconscious.
Why in the world did you go outside? Because I saw the rankings in the manual.
That manual is only meant to be seen by Architects and Janets.
It's got some very sensitive material.
Plus some song lyrics I've been working on, and I'd rather not let people see those until they're finished.
Anyway, why did seeing the rankings unravel you so? I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing.
Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament.
"To Kamilah, we have left £68 million, "the home in Kensington, the yacht, and other assorted weekend boats.
" Well, what did they leave their second favorite child? There's still quite a lot of money and property that goes to you.
There is one issue, however.
They have, um, spelled your name incorrectly in the will.
You've got to be kidding me.
It says, "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini.
" Like the sauce.
You know what? I don't want the money.
My sister can have it all.
My whole life, I have lived in your shadow, but now I'm going to step out of it.
I am going to reach heights of success and sophistication that you can only dream of.
Your cardigan's on inside out.
I know! It's a new trend that I am starting.
Just one example of how I'm going to step out of your shadow.
[sighs] Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, Michael.
But I just don't understand how I'm so low.
My entire life, I have tried to be extraordinary, but it just never seemed to be enough.
Ah.
And you thought you could increase your ranking by helping us fix the sinkhole.
Tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die.
But also, out of literally billions, you were one of the most remarkable people on Earth.
You have nothing left to prove, to anyone.
- [chiming] - Hi, there.
The sinkhole has begun to repair itself.
- [gasps] - It has? - Could it be - But how Did I? - "Tahani saves the un" - No, no, no.
Still not you.
You have nothing to do with it.
We've got to leave immediately.
It's now safe to go outside.
It's now safe to go outside.
It's now safe to go outside.
- Morning, teach! - Morning.
What's this about? Well, here's what I realized.
It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do.
The real problem is, that the more you help me, the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real soul mate.
- I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.
- [laughs] Every ounce of my happiness leads to a ton of pain for you.
So every time the simple fact of my existence starts to bum you out, I want you to hold this up.
[laughs] At which point, I will leave you alone for as long as you need.
I know we'll never be soul mates, but we're friends.
Now get in this boat and read some boring French poetry.
I I've never actually done this before.
This is a theoretical fantasy.
How do you row a boat? I'll tell ya, it's good as new.
Go ahead, if you want, just here.
Whoo! See? You can jump up and down on it.
Hey, boss.
So you fixed the sinkhole.
Yup, good as new.
Crisis averted.
Everybody have a wonderful day, because I fixed the sinkhole.
- I didn't fix the sinkhole.
- Sorry? I tried and I tried, but nothing worked.
And then all of a sudden this morning, out of the blue, it just whoop! It just closed over.
Huh.
How 'bout that? Well, as your assistant, I officially declare this good news.
No, this is terrible news! I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor.
And no idea what fixed it.
I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning.
You and I are gonna find this problem.