The King of Queens s06e02 Episode Script
Doug Less - Part 2
Previously on king of queens honey, i am so proud of you For sticking to this diet.
No carbs, no sugar, No boobies.
I rented this awesome lodge up in the mountains.
I took her there 10 years ago.
We had a great time.
That's strange.
I can't seem to find my car keys.
Arthur, doug and carrie said you couldn't drive.
What if it's an emergency? No! I don't know.
He could probably drive if it's an emergency.
Can you believe i got us the same room? Hmm? I got us the same room as last time.
What last time? Last time we were here.
We were never here.
Come on.
Stop it.
Is beth here with you? Oh, my god.
Land ho! Now, when we get out of the boat here, step lively.
Remember, this is turtle country.
It's all good.
It's all good.
Here we go.
Ok.
Milady.
There we go.
Doug.
Doug.
I got it.
I got it.
Doug's got it.
Whoo! You know what i like about this place? It's totally new.
Never seen it before.
Never been here before.
Is fresh.
So what do you wanna do? I don't know.
Well, what do people usually do here? Uh take in the scenery, i guess.
Uh-Huh.
Come on.
What do you say? Shall we? All right.
Now, you see that? That's poison ivy.
Leaves of 3, let it be.
Learned that in boy scouts.
Huh.
What else you got? I read in the brochure that this area has 22 indigenous ferns.
Wanna discover a new one and name it carrie? The canoe! Oh, crap! Watch it! Leaves of 3! Leaves of 3! Crap! Crap! Cold! Cold! So cold.
Cold! Cold.
All right, boys, we're goin' in.
Down goes frazier.
It's too far! I can't get it! Just swim! I just swallowed a fish! I don't think you did.
I did.
I think it was a sardine.
You love sardines.
With mayo! All right.
You know what? Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Come on! Well, that was pretty pathetic.
Well, on behalf of myself And the baby sardines growing in my stomach, Thanks for the love.
So, what do we do now? You think we can get back on foot? I'm sure we could if we knew where we were, But i've never been here before, remember? Is fresh! Oy.
All right.
You know what? We have the cell phone.
We'll call information for the hotel, And they will give us directions back.
It's, uh, mountain view lodge, right? I thought it was mountain ridge.
What? No, you're wrong.
No, you're wrong.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm the one who made the reservation.
I think i know the name of the hotel.
Uh, excuse me.
You don't even remember which girl you brought here.
Fine.
You know what? Just call your dad.
I left the number with him.
Hello? Hey, dad.
Who is this? Carrie.
Listen, it's not a big deal.
Doug and i are a little lost.
Is this an emergency? Well, yeah.
Kinda.
Hold on, baby! Daddy's coming! Ok, that's not gonna work.
You know what? Let me just call information.
Let them figure it out.
Yeah, hey.
I need the number to mountain lake lodge Near lake chapawawa.
Nothing? How about mountain ridge lodge? Lakeview? Lake ridge? Land o' lakes.
Emerson, lake, and palmer.
Help me out here, ok? Do you happen to have a listing For an elizabeth mcgurtrie in staten island? It might be beth mcgurtrie.
Check that.
Oh, my god.
What are you doing? No, it's a different beth.
This one's a park ranger.
I can't believe you're calling her! Maybe she can remember the name of the place.
This is-It's unbeli- I mean, first you bring me here Thinking that i'm her- Oh, my god! How many times do i gotta apologize for this?! I made a mistake, ok?! Can we move on?! No, we can't move on, doug.
You know, i don't think this is a mistake.
I mean, ever since you've lost all that weight, You've become an insensitive jerk.
What?! That's right! Fat doug would never do this to me.
What are you talking about? Fat doug was sensitive, loving, caring, and kind.
You never told him that.
I didn't need to.
Fat doug didn't need his ego boosted all the time.
You know what? "Fat doug" is a little harsh.
Let's go with f.
D.
You know why you can't tell the difference Between me and beth mcgurtrie? Because your brain has been turned upside down From all these people drooling all over you.
Sickening.
Oh, my god! You're jealous! Jealous?! That's right.
I think you liked it better When it was hottie and fatty.
Now it's hottie and hottie, You gotta share the spotlight, and you don't like it.
Are you actually accusing me of being that small and petty? Uh-Huh! For years, you're nagging me to lose weight.
"Oh, you look terrible.
You're gonna die.
" Blah blah blah! Turns out, you can't handle the competition! Oh! What are you doing? What am i doing? I'm stealing your thunder.
Yeah! That's thunder! Oh, get away from me! Where you going? You looking for your thunder? 'Cause you ain't gonna find it.
You know why? I got it all.
No, i'm looking for the hotel, brain.
Well, you know what? If you would have let me call beth, Maybe we'd find our way back.
Oh, you know what? Maybe you should call beth And see if she's still available.
Oh, yeah? You'd love it if i got back together with beth.
Then you'd be free to go after another big boy.
How's this sound? Mrs.
Dom deluise.
Or better yet, hook up with the kool-Aid man.
Oh, yeah! You know, do me a favor and don't talk to me.
I'm sick of you.
Right back at you.
Is it raining? A little.
We are so screwed.
All right, now we're making some progress.
There's the sun.
The sun always sets in the west, right? So we must be heading west.
And do you have any idea if the hotel is west? Boy, you really hate the fact That i'm hot now, don't you? Ok, you know what? We went too far.
We should go back the other way.
No, no.
You're totally wrong.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, i don't?! You have us heading west, And you have no idea why.
Uh, the pioneers didn't know why, And that's how we got texas.
But i guess you'd be fine without texas.
I just wish i knew where we were.
I mean, are we getting closer? Are we getting farther? What? What are you doing? I'm gonna see if i can find the hotel from here.
You're not gonna see anything.
I might see something! I don't think you will.
I can't talk and climb at the same time.
Oh, god! What's wrong? It's an owl.
I think i'm gonna throw up.
Who throws up from an owl? Look, i was expecting pine cones, and i got a square-Shaped bird.
It's very disturbing.
All right, you know what? Just nudge it, And it'll fly away.
No, i'm not gonna touch it.
What if it bites me? Owls don't bite.
They wear glasses.
They're the nerds of the forest.
All right.
No, owls can't fly.
If it doesn't fly, how'd it get in the tree? Uh, i'm in the tree.
Can i fly? Could you just push it away, please? Oh.
Hope it lands right on you.
I would love that.
Whoa! Ooh oh, my god! Are you ok? I think so.
I scratched my face, though.
Oh all right, a little bactine, And you will be good as new.
Oh, suddenly i'm deformed, And you're nice to me.
You got a real beauty and the beast thing going, don't you? Are you crazy?! Crazy ugly, just the way you like 'em! Well, now i'm taking you down with me.
Oh, where are you going? What are you doing? I'm finding some leaves of 3, And then i'm gonna mess you up.
What? Yeah.
Kiss that sweet, unblemished skin good-Bye.
Doug, are you seriously gonna attack me With poison ivy? I mean, is that the way it's gonna end for us? No.
My hand itches now.
I don't believe anyone ever made fire this way.
I just don't.
And i don't believe the only thing You ever learned from the boy scouts Was how many leaves poison ivy has.
And now you have poison ivy! I'm going to sleep.
Oh, wow.
That's the north star.
That way must be north.
And do you know if the hotel is north? I hate the sky.
Actually, it's kind of beautiful tonight.
That better be a rat.
Just thinking, you know, it's you and i alone in the woods about to die it's kind of romantic.
You want to, uh- What planet are you on? I just don't think we should go to bed angry.
Well, we're not going to bed.
We're going to twigs.
Well, then, i don't think We should go to twigs angry, either.
All right, last chance, 'cause i'm shuttin' her down.
Hey.
Hello.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
You always say nothing When it's something.
What is it? You know very well what it is.
No, i don't.
You totally made me the bad cop today with arthur.
You had no right to do that.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh sorry.
Um, danny said i can borrow the playstation, And doug keeps it up here, so fine.
I just wasn't expecting you.
Sure.
We were kind of, uh in the middle of something here, deac.
Are you guys both sleeping in here? Yeah.
Well, you know there's a futon in the other room, And there's a cou- Never mind.
Would you just leave, please?! Believe me, i'm not looking for any reason To hang around.
Look i'm sorry about what happened today.
All right, i just thought that the easiest way To deal with arthur was to give in to him.
Of course that's the easiest way.
But if we always take the easy way out, How's he ever gonna learn? Well, he is almost 80.
Look, why don't we get a good night's sleep, all right? And in the morning, we'll sit down with arthur, And we'll tell him there are certain rules in this house And he has to live by them.
Ok, still in the woods.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow! I can't believe there are people Who actually go camping by choice.
Oh, my god, what if we never find our way out of here? That would be bad, doug.
You know what? Maybe we should just live here, Start a new society, Learn to talk with the chipmunks.
You can't even touch an owl without gagging.
Now you're talking to chipmunks? Ok, you know what? I won't start my own society.
Ok, you happy now? Yes.
I'm thrilled.
All right, let's get moving.
I think we should go, uh this way.
No, that's the way we came from.
No, that is the way we came from! Talking like this doesn't scare me! Ok, you know what? I have an idea.
How 'bout you go your way, i'll go mine? Smartest idea you've had ever.
Terrific! Oh, and don't go startin' your own society.
That's my thing! Doug? Doug! God bless her, she got away! Attagirl! I'll have the egg-White omelet and i will survive! I choose life! Could i get the check? Oh, and a map to rescue my husband.
Thanks.
Doug? Carrie? Is that you crying? No.
Follow my voice.
I found a way out.
Oof! Hey! What do i do? Just cross over the bridge.
Are you crazy?! Come on.
You can do it.
Cross over the bridge.
Easy for you.
You're on the right side.
Shaba-Lama you're doing great.
Gaa-Vuch! Oh, god! You're fine! You're fine! I'm not fine! Get me a helicopter now! Doug, you don't need a helicopter.
I really think a helicopter's the way to go.
Doug, listen to me.
You can do this.
I can't.
This bridge'll never hold.
Yes, it will.
Look, you're not fat anymore.
You're light as air.
I know you're lying now.
I'm going back.
I'll live here.
You start a new life with dom deluise.
No, doug, stop.
I don't want dom deluise.
I want you, ok? Really? Yes.
Now, look, i know i went a little crazy With this beth thing And you losing all the weight And getting all that attention 'cause you- You stole my thunder.
You know? And, uh didn't love it.
Can't blame a girl for wanting her thunder.
But the thing is, doug, You deserve the attention, ok? And-And i love you, and i'm so sorry, And i know that you are skinny enough To make it across this bridge.
Then why did that little thingy break? 'Cause you're still kinda big.
Now run.
Come on, honey.
Come on, baby! Oh, i love you so much.
I love you, too.
What happened to you? It's only been 45 minutes.
I went a little overboard.
You know, let's go to hershey park.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
Where's my dad? I will survive! Oh, god!
No carbs, no sugar, No boobies.
I rented this awesome lodge up in the mountains.
I took her there 10 years ago.
We had a great time.
That's strange.
I can't seem to find my car keys.
Arthur, doug and carrie said you couldn't drive.
What if it's an emergency? No! I don't know.
He could probably drive if it's an emergency.
Can you believe i got us the same room? Hmm? I got us the same room as last time.
What last time? Last time we were here.
We were never here.
Come on.
Stop it.
Is beth here with you? Oh, my god.
Land ho! Now, when we get out of the boat here, step lively.
Remember, this is turtle country.
It's all good.
It's all good.
Here we go.
Ok.
Milady.
There we go.
Doug.
Doug.
I got it.
I got it.
Doug's got it.
Whoo! You know what i like about this place? It's totally new.
Never seen it before.
Never been here before.
Is fresh.
So what do you wanna do? I don't know.
Well, what do people usually do here? Uh take in the scenery, i guess.
Uh-Huh.
Come on.
What do you say? Shall we? All right.
Now, you see that? That's poison ivy.
Leaves of 3, let it be.
Learned that in boy scouts.
Huh.
What else you got? I read in the brochure that this area has 22 indigenous ferns.
Wanna discover a new one and name it carrie? The canoe! Oh, crap! Watch it! Leaves of 3! Leaves of 3! Crap! Crap! Cold! Cold! So cold.
Cold! Cold.
All right, boys, we're goin' in.
Down goes frazier.
It's too far! I can't get it! Just swim! I just swallowed a fish! I don't think you did.
I did.
I think it was a sardine.
You love sardines.
With mayo! All right.
You know what? Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Come on! Well, that was pretty pathetic.
Well, on behalf of myself And the baby sardines growing in my stomach, Thanks for the love.
So, what do we do now? You think we can get back on foot? I'm sure we could if we knew where we were, But i've never been here before, remember? Is fresh! Oy.
All right.
You know what? We have the cell phone.
We'll call information for the hotel, And they will give us directions back.
It's, uh, mountain view lodge, right? I thought it was mountain ridge.
What? No, you're wrong.
No, you're wrong.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm the one who made the reservation.
I think i know the name of the hotel.
Uh, excuse me.
You don't even remember which girl you brought here.
Fine.
You know what? Just call your dad.
I left the number with him.
Hello? Hey, dad.
Who is this? Carrie.
Listen, it's not a big deal.
Doug and i are a little lost.
Is this an emergency? Well, yeah.
Kinda.
Hold on, baby! Daddy's coming! Ok, that's not gonna work.
You know what? Let me just call information.
Let them figure it out.
Yeah, hey.
I need the number to mountain lake lodge Near lake chapawawa.
Nothing? How about mountain ridge lodge? Lakeview? Lake ridge? Land o' lakes.
Emerson, lake, and palmer.
Help me out here, ok? Do you happen to have a listing For an elizabeth mcgurtrie in staten island? It might be beth mcgurtrie.
Check that.
Oh, my god.
What are you doing? No, it's a different beth.
This one's a park ranger.
I can't believe you're calling her! Maybe she can remember the name of the place.
This is-It's unbeli- I mean, first you bring me here Thinking that i'm her- Oh, my god! How many times do i gotta apologize for this?! I made a mistake, ok?! Can we move on?! No, we can't move on, doug.
You know, i don't think this is a mistake.
I mean, ever since you've lost all that weight, You've become an insensitive jerk.
What?! That's right! Fat doug would never do this to me.
What are you talking about? Fat doug was sensitive, loving, caring, and kind.
You never told him that.
I didn't need to.
Fat doug didn't need his ego boosted all the time.
You know what? "Fat doug" is a little harsh.
Let's go with f.
D.
You know why you can't tell the difference Between me and beth mcgurtrie? Because your brain has been turned upside down From all these people drooling all over you.
Sickening.
Oh, my god! You're jealous! Jealous?! That's right.
I think you liked it better When it was hottie and fatty.
Now it's hottie and hottie, You gotta share the spotlight, and you don't like it.
Are you actually accusing me of being that small and petty? Uh-Huh! For years, you're nagging me to lose weight.
"Oh, you look terrible.
You're gonna die.
" Blah blah blah! Turns out, you can't handle the competition! Oh! What are you doing? What am i doing? I'm stealing your thunder.
Yeah! That's thunder! Oh, get away from me! Where you going? You looking for your thunder? 'Cause you ain't gonna find it.
You know why? I got it all.
No, i'm looking for the hotel, brain.
Well, you know what? If you would have let me call beth, Maybe we'd find our way back.
Oh, you know what? Maybe you should call beth And see if she's still available.
Oh, yeah? You'd love it if i got back together with beth.
Then you'd be free to go after another big boy.
How's this sound? Mrs.
Dom deluise.
Or better yet, hook up with the kool-Aid man.
Oh, yeah! You know, do me a favor and don't talk to me.
I'm sick of you.
Right back at you.
Is it raining? A little.
We are so screwed.
All right, now we're making some progress.
There's the sun.
The sun always sets in the west, right? So we must be heading west.
And do you have any idea if the hotel is west? Boy, you really hate the fact That i'm hot now, don't you? Ok, you know what? We went too far.
We should go back the other way.
No, no.
You're totally wrong.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, i don't?! You have us heading west, And you have no idea why.
Uh, the pioneers didn't know why, And that's how we got texas.
But i guess you'd be fine without texas.
I just wish i knew where we were.
I mean, are we getting closer? Are we getting farther? What? What are you doing? I'm gonna see if i can find the hotel from here.
You're not gonna see anything.
I might see something! I don't think you will.
I can't talk and climb at the same time.
Oh, god! What's wrong? It's an owl.
I think i'm gonna throw up.
Who throws up from an owl? Look, i was expecting pine cones, and i got a square-Shaped bird.
It's very disturbing.
All right, you know what? Just nudge it, And it'll fly away.
No, i'm not gonna touch it.
What if it bites me? Owls don't bite.
They wear glasses.
They're the nerds of the forest.
All right.
No, owls can't fly.
If it doesn't fly, how'd it get in the tree? Uh, i'm in the tree.
Can i fly? Could you just push it away, please? Oh.
Hope it lands right on you.
I would love that.
Whoa! Ooh oh, my god! Are you ok? I think so.
I scratched my face, though.
Oh all right, a little bactine, And you will be good as new.
Oh, suddenly i'm deformed, And you're nice to me.
You got a real beauty and the beast thing going, don't you? Are you crazy?! Crazy ugly, just the way you like 'em! Well, now i'm taking you down with me.
Oh, where are you going? What are you doing? I'm finding some leaves of 3, And then i'm gonna mess you up.
What? Yeah.
Kiss that sweet, unblemished skin good-Bye.
Doug, are you seriously gonna attack me With poison ivy? I mean, is that the way it's gonna end for us? No.
My hand itches now.
I don't believe anyone ever made fire this way.
I just don't.
And i don't believe the only thing You ever learned from the boy scouts Was how many leaves poison ivy has.
And now you have poison ivy! I'm going to sleep.
Oh, wow.
That's the north star.
That way must be north.
And do you know if the hotel is north? I hate the sky.
Actually, it's kind of beautiful tonight.
That better be a rat.
Just thinking, you know, it's you and i alone in the woods about to die it's kind of romantic.
You want to, uh- What planet are you on? I just don't think we should go to bed angry.
Well, we're not going to bed.
We're going to twigs.
Well, then, i don't think We should go to twigs angry, either.
All right, last chance, 'cause i'm shuttin' her down.
Hey.
Hello.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
You always say nothing When it's something.
What is it? You know very well what it is.
No, i don't.
You totally made me the bad cop today with arthur.
You had no right to do that.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh sorry.
Um, danny said i can borrow the playstation, And doug keeps it up here, so fine.
I just wasn't expecting you.
Sure.
We were kind of, uh in the middle of something here, deac.
Are you guys both sleeping in here? Yeah.
Well, you know there's a futon in the other room, And there's a cou- Never mind.
Would you just leave, please?! Believe me, i'm not looking for any reason To hang around.
Look i'm sorry about what happened today.
All right, i just thought that the easiest way To deal with arthur was to give in to him.
Of course that's the easiest way.
But if we always take the easy way out, How's he ever gonna learn? Well, he is almost 80.
Look, why don't we get a good night's sleep, all right? And in the morning, we'll sit down with arthur, And we'll tell him there are certain rules in this house And he has to live by them.
Ok, still in the woods.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow! I can't believe there are people Who actually go camping by choice.
Oh, my god, what if we never find our way out of here? That would be bad, doug.
You know what? Maybe we should just live here, Start a new society, Learn to talk with the chipmunks.
You can't even touch an owl without gagging.
Now you're talking to chipmunks? Ok, you know what? I won't start my own society.
Ok, you happy now? Yes.
I'm thrilled.
All right, let's get moving.
I think we should go, uh this way.
No, that's the way we came from.
No, that is the way we came from! Talking like this doesn't scare me! Ok, you know what? I have an idea.
How 'bout you go your way, i'll go mine? Smartest idea you've had ever.
Terrific! Oh, and don't go startin' your own society.
That's my thing! Doug? Doug! God bless her, she got away! Attagirl! I'll have the egg-White omelet and i will survive! I choose life! Could i get the check? Oh, and a map to rescue my husband.
Thanks.
Doug? Carrie? Is that you crying? No.
Follow my voice.
I found a way out.
Oof! Hey! What do i do? Just cross over the bridge.
Are you crazy?! Come on.
You can do it.
Cross over the bridge.
Easy for you.
You're on the right side.
Shaba-Lama you're doing great.
Gaa-Vuch! Oh, god! You're fine! You're fine! I'm not fine! Get me a helicopter now! Doug, you don't need a helicopter.
I really think a helicopter's the way to go.
Doug, listen to me.
You can do this.
I can't.
This bridge'll never hold.
Yes, it will.
Look, you're not fat anymore.
You're light as air.
I know you're lying now.
I'm going back.
I'll live here.
You start a new life with dom deluise.
No, doug, stop.
I don't want dom deluise.
I want you, ok? Really? Yes.
Now, look, i know i went a little crazy With this beth thing And you losing all the weight And getting all that attention 'cause you- You stole my thunder.
You know? And, uh didn't love it.
Can't blame a girl for wanting her thunder.
But the thing is, doug, You deserve the attention, ok? And-And i love you, and i'm so sorry, And i know that you are skinny enough To make it across this bridge.
Then why did that little thingy break? 'Cause you're still kinda big.
Now run.
Come on, honey.
Come on, baby! Oh, i love you so much.
I love you, too.
What happened to you? It's only been 45 minutes.
I went a little overboard.
You know, let's go to hershey park.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
Where's my dad? I will survive! Oh, god!