The Last Man On Earth (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Hair of the Dog

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth This is for her own safety.
We don't know what we're doing.
We're not doctors.
Has anybody seen my mom? Come find me! - (bullet ricochets) - (Gail groans) I've only flown in a simulator.
You got to take that leap one day.
LEWIS: Okay, I'm gonna do it.
- (all cheering) - (Carol screams) TANDY: I created something to honor Lewis and help us see the light.
(light groan) Hey, look who's back.
(chuckles) Went pretty hard up in Napa, huh? Looks like someone needs a vacation after a vacation, am I right? JK, you look great.
Everyone's in the common room.
I'll be right up.
Oh, good God, Gail! (shouts) I told you she wasn't the "D" word.
You're back! Hi.
Oh, Gail.
Ugh, you smell like the inside of an unwashed sock puppet.
Must have been quite the bender, huh? CAROL: Looks like you got some wine on your leg there.
Someone needs to go back to drinking school.
It's supposed to go in your mouth, Gail.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Nice of you to finally join us, Gail.
This whole place has fallen apart.
You decide to go party down on your own.
Ridiculous.
Hey, I think she's trying to say something.
Wa (shouts) Oh, geez.
Gail? Wine.
She needs wine! ERICA: Maybe we should elevate her head.
.
No, no, we need to leave her neck unkinked for maximum air flow.
Okay, here, Gail.
This should help.
- Here we go.
- Yes.
Oh, what did you give her? It's a Sex on the Beach.
Here, force it down.
Hair of the dog.
- Hair of the dog.
- I'm not hungover, you idiot.
I have been trapped in an elevator and I've got a friggin' bullet hole in my leg.
- Whoa.
Wait - CAROL: Whoa.
- who shot you? - ERICA: What? I did.
It's always the person you least expect.
I was just trying to get some alone time.
Because I bugged you so much? (sighs) No, no.
Well, yes, but no.
I just needed some space, and so I was heading up to the roof next door when I got trapped because the damn power went out.
I was in there for, like, - ten days.
- Oh.
And I kept shooting off bullets, but I guess nobody heard me.
And then I got zipped by a ricochet and I just Mm.
I started fading.
I said a prayer, and, um, loaded up my last bullet and thought that was it.
God, Gail, that's awful.
Ten days? What did you do for your you know private business? - Tandy.
- Tandy.
What? It's a valid question.
It's Mini fridge.
Ew.
Go on.
It really was hell on Earth.
I just thought for sure I was gonna die in there.
And then by the grace of God, the power came back on.
Oh, uh, that was me and God.
You know, uh, God working through me.
Standard, uh, vessel situation, you know, but, uh, bottom line, yes, I, uh, turned the power back on.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I thought I was never gonna see your idiot face again.
Get in here, you dumb turd.
One dumb turd coming in hot.
(laughs) Come on.
Oh, get in here, all y'all.
- Oh.
Gail.
- Oh, my God.
- Hey.
- We're so glad you're back.
Thank you, and where's the others? Where's Lewis? (whispering): I'll take this.
Gail, uh got something we have to tell you about Lewis.
(inhales deeply) Lewis, uh is great.
He just got into CrossFit and P90X.
Uh, he's super into muscle confusion.
H-He's not confused about it or f he's just focused and-and vital - and feeling - How'd he die? Peacefully.
Minor plane crash.
And how about Melissa? So, you just locked her up in there? We had no other choice.
She was a danger to herself.
Well, I know exactly what she's going through.
Trapped in a box.
Poor thing.
You know what, Gail, you need your rest.
Why don't we roll you into an elevator and get you upstairs? Uh, I am not getting in no damn elevator.
Oh, 'cause you just got stuck in one? TANDY: Gail, you know, we live on this floor.
Wh-Why don't you come stay with us until you feel better? Oh, it might be nice to have someone look after me for a while.
So, thanks.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Let me get you here.
CAROL: Okay, take your time.
- (grunts) - Okay.
There you go.
GAIL: What's all this? Oh, oh, that's nothing.
Let me just get that stuff out of your way.
Ah.
You gave me the frickin' googly-eye treatment.
I was angry at the time.
I'm sorry.
I deserved it.
No, you didn't.
I mean, to have no control over your pupils like a substitute teacher? No one deserves that, not even a picture.
Carol it's fine.
Relax.
(laughing): Oh.
Relax.
I'm way ahead of you.
That's my whole thing now is just relaxing during situations.
I mean, so much has changed since I drove you away, and I'm not just talking about the amount of human waste in your mini fridge.
I've mellowed out now.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, now they call me the Mellow Submarine or John Cougar Mellow-camp, and Old Meller, and, hey, it's Henry Wadsworth Long-Mellow.
Carol, I get it.
- I'm mellow.
- Yeah.
You sure you're okay with me taking your bed? Oh, absolutely.
Tandy and I'll make do, and I'll just be outside relaxing during situations.
(chuckles) Mellow-nor Roosevelt out.
Nobody comes into my house and tries to take over my hallway.
Damn it.
Split.
Tandy.
Tandy.
I figured it out, man.
Oh, great, bud.
What is it? We're going to Akron.
- Perfect.
Let's do it.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh, uh, uh, and why are we going to A-Akron? 'Cause that's where Melissa's from.
- Of course.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- Yeah.
(stammers) Uh, but what-what does that matter? Well, 'cause last night I couldn't stop thinking about what Gail said about being trapped in that box.
Hell on Earth, she called it.
Well, Melissa's trapped in a box, too, man.
Well, yeah, I mean she's only trapped in a sense that she can't leave whenever she wants.
Like, you know, the traditional sense of the word "trapped.
" Yeah, you got a point.
Yeah, and we got to figure this out.
I mean, we can't keep her in there forever.
It's solid loge, but how will going to Akron help? 'Cause that's where she grew up, man.
That's where her family's from.
Her medical records are probably there.
Who knows what we could learn? You know, and if nothing else, she'll get a little time out of that box.
Wait, she's going with us? Yeah, she wouldn't tell me her address.
(sighs) Todd, if I'm being honest, I think we're making a huge mistake for not having done this earlier.
You go grab Melissa, I'll go get my travel underwear.
- (Todd yells) - Pick up that spare first.
Picked up the spare! TANDY: Why are you being so stubborn about giving us your address? We're doing this to help you.
People are very worried about you.
You're sterile.
And Carol's pregnant with Mike's baby.
Just words.
You see, I-I'm rubber, and you're glue, and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
So you're sterile.
(laughs) See, now we're getting somewhere, huh? Laughter is the best medicine.
No, I was just thinking about your tiny penis.
Carol told me all about it.
Uh, so you know my balls are huge, though.
She said those are really small, too.
I'm gonna have to talk to Carol about this.
And just so you know, I'm proud of my little tea set.
Yep, uh-huh, and by the way, you have a small penis.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, next subject.
What is your freaking address in Akron? One-Sixth of an Inch Avenue, Tandy's Penis Is Tiny City, Ohio.
(stammering): You know what you know what, where you live? You live on the intersection of, uh, uh, You Don't Know What You're Talking About Street and, uh, uh, Mind Your Own Business Boulevard.
God! I don't know why you don't want us to help you.
We'll find your place.
And by the way, my penis is way larger than one-sixth of an inch.
Well, larger than one-sixth of an inch.
ERICA: Surprise! GAIL: Oh.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, no, it's not an age-related gift.
This is for your leg.
Now, see, I didn't really go to the age thing, but now that you say it, there it is.
CAROL: Hey, Gail? Oh, you two are talking.
Sorry.
Don't want to interrupt.
Oh, Carol, it's okay.
Come hang out.
CAROL: Oh, no.
No, I just noticed that you weren't at our house.
Of course you're not, 'cause you're right here.
(chuckles) Duh, Carol.
Anyway, I didn't know if you had left, left, like, did you move out? 'Cause you can.
I mean, I don't own you.
I just don't know if I should strip the bed or whatever, just stop it, Carol! GAIL: Carol? Carol.
I'm still staying in there.
Oh, yeah? That's awesome.
Sweet, all right.
Cool, well, whatever.
You know, just forget I even showed up here.
Rewind, right? (makes rewinding noises) (rewinding noises continue) (beeping) Okay.
I know I'm still recovering, but she's weirder than normal, right? I really can't tell anymore.
TODD: So this is you, huh? Ah, and just our luck, she lived in a 19-story walk-up.
Hey, Melissa.
Thanks for telling us where you lived, this is really gonna help us help you.
So, uh, this bringing back some good memories or Todd? You better come take a look at this.
Ah, God.
TANDY: I know.
I mean, first of all, she's dealing with the pain of adoption.
And then, they don't let her into any of their family pictures.
How brutal.
Look what you made, you monsters! Tandy, she's not adopted.
(Melissa laughs) You know, Melissa, this is not funny.
Okay? Why won't you let us help you? We need you to take us to your house.
Good night.
(door closes) MELISSA: Body in the bed.
(body clunks on floor) All clear! Not a very auspicious start.
Yeah, that's probably, uh, how the Titanic felt, as well.
The movie, you know.
You know, second only to Avatar.
That's a pretty cool thing.
TODD: Tandy? Tandy! Melissa's gone! What? Where? Ju come on! I-I come on! - TANDY: Where? Where? - I don't know! TODD: Damn it, we lost her again! I'm stupid! This is getting ridiculous! Todd, don't panic, okay? Not to harp on the Titanic, but there are solid lessons to be gleaned there.
Now, you remember that string quartet and how calm they were when the ship was sinking? Tandy, they sank with the ship and died.
Yes, in the movie.
But yeah, no, now I'm talking about the actual event.
Yeah, they died in that, too.
Oh, they did now? Huh.
Wait, Tandy, loo-look! Oh, my God, one of my billboards! No, look at the picture.
(whispers): Oh, my God.
TODD: Melissa? Melissa? Oh, hey, look at that.
(chuckling): Nice blazer.
- Blazer? I hardly knew her.
Boom.
- Ah.
Okay, let's look for her desk.
Maybe we can figure out where she lives.
All right.
Talk to me, Chartres, where'd you close those mother friggin' deals? Aha! Got it.
Got it, got it, got it.
- All right.
- Okay, in order to find out where she lives, we got to get ourselves in the mindset.
Okay, I'm on the phone, I'm selling houses.
Got a big house on Baltic Avenue, got a red hotel on Park Place.
Okay, trapped in a high stakes bidding war, this is gonna be a long day.
Okay, coffee, coffee, sale.
Coffee, sale.
Sale, coffee.
Sale, sale.
You know it's a good day when you got more sales than coffees.
Okay, 5:00 rolls around, the whistle blows, the foreman yells, "It's quitting time!" You clean up your desk area.
I crop-dust my boss' office.
They never guess it's me, 'cause I'm a lady in a blazer.
Head for the door.
But where do I go? Got it! - Hmm? - Home.
But where is home? Oh, Tandy, I got it.
- (laughs) - Of course! She's a subscriber to Modern Bathroom and Kitchen magazine.
It was right in front of our faces the whole time! This is gonna lead us right to her.
Now where are the most modern bathrooms and kitchens? New York City.
Let's go.
- No, Tandy.
- Chicago? - No, her address is on the magazine.
- Even better! - New York or Chicago? - It's Akron.
- Oh, that's handy.
- Yeah.
CAROL: Knock, knock, knock.
Hey.
Tortilla chip delivery.
(chuckles) They're scoops, of course.
Oh, Carol.
I don't need anything special.
Copy that, Gail.
You may have noticed that I called you Gail? Rather than Mom.
(chuckles) Because you are obviously not my mom.
And those silly adoption papers that I drew up, they were never official.
So Gail, just to clarify, I think what happened is I said, "Let's be mother and daughter.
" And you were like, "You're serious?" And then you just ran with it and I was like, "Gail, wait!" But you were a runaway train.
(laughs) So just know, it was always Goof City, USA, population: two ladies who are not related.
Yeah, okay.
Want a jump? What? That burn should hold.
Here you go, just friend.
- Come on, toke it.
- (softly): What? - Don't.
Don't.
Stop it.
- Yeah, come on, here you go.
Inhale, just relax.
- Just, go, be - Carol, I don't want the damn cigarette! What are you doing? What do you mean? I mean, you're being so fake.
Why are you doing this? Because I don't want you to leave me again.
(relieved sigh) Whites.
Yeah, this is her place.
TANDY (softly): Yeah.
TODD: Look at all this.
Oh, thank God.
(voice breaking): We got to figure this out.
We got to fix her.
We will, okay? The answer's in here somewhere.
We'll find it.
We'll find it.
(through stereo): Together we're gonna find our way GAIL: What on earth are you doing? Lock and popping.
Todd showed me how to do it.
It's therapeutic.
To learn all about We need to talk.
(music stops) Look, I already know what's happening.
I scared you away with my extreme Pilbasianity.
My whole life I've been alienating people.
- Don't think I don't know it.
- Sweet pea, the whole time I was in that stupid elevator, all I thought about was you.
You and your grammar rules and your glitter and your extremely loud outfits and all the stuff that I didn't want to be a part of.
Of which you didn't want to be a part.
Yes! Ooh, see? I hate that! Mm! But that's the woman that I want to take a family photo with.
My daughter.
Wait, what? Let's take your dumb-ass family photo.
Oh! Okay, well oh, oh, we do not have to wear the same outfit.
You know, I'll never make you do that again.
Carol.
It's a family photo.
Hey.
How's it going? You find anything? All I found out was how much I don't know.
I mean, look at these pictures.
I've been in a relationship with this woman for so long, and I had no idea who she was.
You know, I I never knew that she minored in graphic design or that she did missionary work in Uganda.
Skydiving.
Had a Pomeranian.
I mean, there's just a whole life here, you know, that's just gone.
I'm realizing I never really knew her.
The way things are going, I'm never, ever gonna get a chance to.
(sighs) I'm starting to lose hope, bud.
Hey, I don't want to hear that.
You're the best person I know.
And if I was in Melissa's situation, you're the person - I'd want in charge of figuring it out.
- (footsteps approaching) Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
TODD: Melissa? What did you just do? What? Y-You just took a pill.
Oh.
Yeah.
It-It was in your purse.
This? Yeah.
C-Can you tell me what that is? I don't know.
Can-Can I have it? Please? Only one left.
Okay.
All right, let's get you home.
(sighs) Isn't this a gorgeous spot? This is where Tandy helped me rediscover hope for the future.
And subsequently where we performed the loving act for five full minutes.
Well, that's good to know.
It's been under five for a while now.
It's something we're working on.
TMI, Carol.
Oh, "too minimal information"? (chuckles) Okay.
Well, we've started doing this thing where, when we disrobe Carol! Let's do the photos.
Okay, say "limburger.
" - Burst mode! - (camera shutter clicking rapidly) Limburger, limburger, limburger, limburger, come on! BOTH: Limburger, limburger, limburger, limburger, limburger, limburger, limburger.
(clicks tongue, then sighs) Eyes closed, mouth open.
Carol, can you just close your mouth for one second? Geezy peezy, Gail, you taking a nap? (chuckles) Oh, that's nice (gasps softly) Jiminy Glick.