The McCarthys (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

1 This is my hometown.
My family members are scattered all over Boston.
My parents live here.
My sister lives here.
My brothers live here and here.
And I live way over here.
But we always seem to end up over here.
Hey, Chewbacca.
Get your paws off my chips.
But we're twins.
Ma, I think Gerard needs a reminder.
A twin is a friend until the end.
You always win when you share with your twin.
See? We're both winners.
Are you? Or are you two grown men who needed to hear a sharing poem? I'm tired of sharing.
You always get more of everything.
Even in the womb, you took all the nutrients.
To be fair, we're pretty sure you got most of the oxygen.
She's right.
I'm not great at blowing up balloons.
Balloons.
We should have decorated the house for Ronny.
Where is he? He should be here by now.
Ma, relax.
Ronny's been coaching with Dad.
- He didn't fall in a well.
- Yes, but he hasn't been around.
At least if he was in a well, I could visit him.
- Hey, everyone.
- Oh, he's back! My boy is back! So's your husband.
Shut it, old man.
Where were you? Dad and I had a practice.
No biggie.
Just a couple of coaches holding a practice.
Hence, the gym bag.
You got a gym bag? Is there anything even in it? Yes.
Two novels and a coconut water.
Didn't need 'em.
- Too busy being a coach.
- Oh, look at you.
You're so busy.
It's not enough that you're an award-winning guidance counselor.
Guidance counselors don't get awards.
You made me that trophy.
So how is the coaching? Oh, it's going pretty well.
Learning the family trade, backing up my dad.
You got to follow your shot! Way to crash the boards, Ricky.
Way to crash the boards, Ricky! Way to crash 'em! Justin's killing us out there.
Justin! You're killing us out there! - That was between us.
- Got it.
Different Justin! Timberlake.
He's killing us.
The music's just too good! I think we're good.
I still can't believe you picked Ronny to coach with you, Dad.
I've been JV coach forever.
I should've gotten that job.
What about me? I was a Two-time Boston Globe All-Star.
You guys give me a hard time for saying it a lot, but you say it as much as I do.
You guys know that your father chose Ronny because he was recruiting a player whose lesbian mom wanted her son to play for a gay-friendly team.
Now, had she wanted a team that was angry or simple I'm sure he would have chosen one of you guys.
I don't like it.
I don't get it.
Hey, Dad might've chosen me because I'm gay, but I also have a fair amount of basketball knowledge.
Really? Heck yeah.
I know the b-ball.
The rock.
The ol' rubber pumpkin.
Go ahead.
Ask me anything.
All right.
When is it okay to foul someone? At the end of the game, when you want the ball back.
Very good.
That's what's up, bro.
Okay, bro.
So in that situation, who should you avoid fouling? The elderly? There it is.
Okay, I don't care what you guys think.
Dad's giving me this responsibility, and I'm not gonna let him down.
And he knows that eventually I'm gonna get good at this.
Right, Dad? Oh.
Time to put the wet clothes into the dryer.
Would've been more convincing if he ever did the laundry.
Or if he had walked in the direction of the laundry room.
The McCarthys Original air date 13/11 Hey, Ma.
Hey, Jackie.
Wait.
Why? It's new.
I got an interview.
To be what, Paula Poundstone? Hey, why's the Secret Service here? What's up, Beetlejuice? I'm just trying to look professional.
You guys are the worst.
Don't pay any attention to them, Jackie.
Just tell us why you're dressed like a jazz man.
I have an interview.
Uh-oh, did you get fired from the restaurant? I have not been fired - merely warned.
And if this interview pans out, it could lead to my dream job.
Which is what again? Sportscaster.
Wait, I thought you were doing that already.
Welcome to local cable access coverage of Cardinal Hennigan High School basketball.
I'm Jackie McCarthy.
And my dad owns the station.
Jared, tonight is gonna be a real test for our Saints, especially since their top scorer is sidelined with an ankle injury.
I love you.
But this interview is at a legitimate station.
I'm gonna be a single mom, but hopefully by the time I have my baby, I'll also have my dream job.
Motherhood is its own dream job is what people say who have less than four children.
Careful, Jackie.
Might thinking you're getting your dream job, and then Ronny'll snag it.
Gerard, if you're that upset, just send out some résumés.
You're a great coach.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
What is that supposed to mean? I'm a "great coach"? It was something new I was trying.
It's called a compliment.
I don't care for it.
I'm saying you're a good coach.
And there are other people in the world who will see that besides Dad.
This time he said "good coach," last time he said "great.
" Why the change? All right, Marjorie, I'm gonna go look at some game tapes in the den.
All right, Ronny and I are gonna watch The Good Wife.
Everyone else, you can stay, but you're not welcome to.
All right.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Mom, I have something to tell you.
Which you might not like.
I can't watch The Good Wife with you tonight.
Go, go, go, go, go.
I've got to watch game tapes with Dad.
Oh, so you and your father are best friends now? You coach together for one week, and all of a sudden you're Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? Are they really best friends? I don't know; I want them to be.
Ah, I wish we were in a book club with them.
Oh, my God, such fun.
Every time we would leave the room, they would do imitations of us.
Uh, hello? Who's ever leaving that room?! Ronny, this is how best friends talk to each other.
Your dad's not gonna give you this.
Dad and I aren't best friends.
We aren't even that close.
Oh, Ronny.
You're not just saying that to make me feel better? No, but I'm alarmed that it does.
Dad and I have our first scrimmage this week, and I want to prove that I'm not just there because I'm gay.
I really want to do a good job.
So, maybe tonight you could Please don't say it.
Record The Good Wife, and we'll watch it later? It's been said.
Well, maybe we could do that.
Although it's not anything that we've ever done before.
But we could do that.
Oh, you and your integrity.
You see? This is why you got guidance counselor of the century.
Oh, my God, Arthur.
There's a stranger in our kitchen.
Hi, Mom.
I'm actually here to talk to Dad.
Geez, get a room.
Look, Dad, I'm sorry about today.
What happened today? Something irreparable? I let him draw up an inbound play.
Okay.
Kevin throws it in, everyone else knows what they're doing.
And begin.
One shining moment, it's all on the line One shining moment, there frozen I blame the kids - they didn't do it right.
No, they did.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Coaching's not your thing.
Not yet.
Maybe.
But it's only been a week.
You know, I can learn this if you just give me a chance.
Look, Ronny, let me worry about the basketball.
You've already done all I need, by just being you.
I'm trying to show you that I can be more than just a token gay coach.
Well, I'm saying you don't need to.
If all you wanted was to show that the team is gay-friendly, you could have just hired a DVD of Pitch Perfect.
See? Keep saying stuff like that.
Remember, Ronny- stay gay.
Looks great, Ma.
Can you not say exactly what I say? Aw, it's like when you guys had that secret twin language.
We never had a secret twin language.
Oh, yeah? Bee-daw-ka-koo.
I don't know what he means.
Yeah, you do.
No, I don't.
And if I did, I wouldn't butcher the pronunciation.
So, Jackie, how'd your interview go? Amazing.
First of all, they loved the suit.
They hated the suit? They hated the suit.
But the interview went well.
It didn't go well? It did not go well.
Do they know you're pregnant? Potential employers often discriminate against expectant mothers.
It's unfortunate, but well documented.
Hey, who thinks I can get a whole roll in my mouth? Anyway I didn't tell them I was pregnant, but I'm pretty sure they figured it out.
And how do you feel about working long hours? Well, right now, it's okay.
But in about nine months it will also be okay.
Because nothing will have changed.
But enough about me.
Tell me about you.
Are you pregnant? Damn it! So, yeah, they wormed it out of me.
Well, Dad, for your information, Jackie wasn't the only one who had an interview this week.
Wow, don't I feel stupid, running around telling everybody that Jackie was the only one that had an interview this week.
I was inspired the other day when Ronny called me a great coach.
And then, for some reason, downgraded me to "good.
" You're amazing, you're fantastic.
What do you need? It's too late, Ronny.
Anyway, I interviewed for the varsity coaching job at St.
Paul's High School.
And I think it went pretty well.
That's great.
Congrats.
Oh, Gerard, that's wonderful.
You're not gonna believe this, Gerard.
The other day, when Ronny was belittling your coaching skills Wildly distorted.
Go on.
Well, I got inspired, too.
And I also interviewed for the St.
Paul's job.
What? - You gotta be kidding me! - Nope.
Man, that's gonna be a tough call for them.
We're exactly alike.
We're not exactly alike! You're gonna get it, Mr.
Boston Globe All-Star.
Two-time, actually.
Yeah.
You always get everything.
Congratulations, Sean.
Oh, you never know, Gerard.
You're a great coach.
Hear that, Ronny? I said "great.
" Not "mediocre," or "crappy," or whatever you said.
Leave Ronny alone.
I don't know why he's bullying Gerard, but he and I are going to watch The Good Wife.
Mom, I can't tonight.
I'm busy.
With what? It can't be basketball.
Your father said you were basically useless.
Remember when that happened, we were so happy? So come on.
I'm really sorry.
- I gotta go.
- Yes, you have to go right here! Are you okay, Ma? I'm as okay as I can be in this Topsy-turvy world.
Maybe we can watch your show with you.
Yeah, Ma, we'll all watch it together.
Well, that would be nice.
I would appreciate that.
All right.
So which one is Stop, you're wrecking it.
Ha! That judge is really weird.
On this show, every judge has a quirk.
I like that.
It's fun.
It is fun.
Gerard is currently doing the best at watching the show.
You should've been a judge, Ma.
You would've been great at it.
Sustained.
Jackie is now doing the best at watching the show.
Really? Yes! Don't blow this, Jackie.
This regular TV, or Nescafé? Regular TV.
He means Netflix.
Why'd he say "Nescafé"? 'Cause he's 100.
Who's the older gal? It's Christine Baranski.
Chrissy keeps it tight.
Baranski what is that, Polish? Congrats, you are all now tied for being the worst at watching the show.
I'm surprised the old gal got cheated on.
If I was her husband, I wouldn't cheat on her.
I'd cheat with her.
She's not the one who got cheated on.
Julianna Margulies got cheated on! And Oh, my God! I got cheated on.
Marjorie, believe me, I would never No, not you, Nescafé.
I meant Ronny.
He left here mysteriously.
He hasn't wanted to watch with me for over a week.
Ronny is watching The Good Wife with someone else.
How could I have been such a fool? I caught you watching The Good Wife with your elderly lover? No, no, no.
He's not my Wait, how did you get in here? With the key that you I have a key.
Ronny, we're sorry! We followed her here to stop her from making a scene.
And yet This is your date? Oh, Ronny.
We gotta build your self-esteem.
What's the deal? Is he rich? Good dancer? No! It's not Maybe I should go.
Sorry, Joe.
I'm still gonna pay you for the full hour.
You're paying him?! Ronny, if you can't get with some old guy for free Okay, thank you! Thank you for that horrifying image! Sorry, Joe.
- I horrify you? - No.
Look, I was embarrassed to tell you guys, but I've been paying Joe to tutor me in basketball.
So why were you watching The Good Wife with him? We were watching game tapes.
Oh, so you weren't cheating on me.
You were cheating on your father.
Joe Sullivan? Good to see you, Arthur.
Ah, been too long! You went to Joe for help? He's a terrible coach.
I'm right here.
Come on, Joe.
You know you're terrible.
Why don't you get out of here? I'm going, but I've done nothing wrong.
And I think I'm beautiful.
You hired someone to teach you basketball? You got two brothers who coach.
But you guys were mad that I got the job.
Would you have helped me, or tried to sabotage me? Mm, the latter.
Sabotage.
And, Dad, you made it pretty clear that you weren't interested in helping me learn this stuff.
Look, Ronny, when you agreed to coach with me, it was great.
But then I saw how hard you worked at it and it reminded me of when you were a kid and you would pretend to like sports.
And you would pretend to not be gay.
I didn't want to make you be someone that you're not.
You've done enough of that in your life.
Wow.
That's really sweet.
He surprises you, that little meatball.
I appreciate you looking out for me.
But the truth is, I really want to do this.
Really? I kind of like it.
And it's something that we're doing together.
Let's face it, we don't do a ton of things together.
Okay.
We gotta get you up to speed.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah.
On one condition.
You gotta watch The Good Lady with your mother.
I can do that.
- Really? - Yeah.
Sunday nights, you and me.
Nnn happy! Thanks, Ronny.
I can never watch that show ever again.
It's okay, Dad.
You don't have to anymore.
I thought it was a half hour.
It's an hour, Ronny.
An hour.
Gerard! Get off your phone and get your head in the game! Wow.
You sound like a coach.
I said now, son! Okay, dial it back.
He's a grown man making a phone call.
Ronny.
What's going on over here? I don't know.
You could investigate.
Like a detective? Sure.
Or like a mom.
Um what's up? Job stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Still no luck? - No.
- Yeah.
I actually did get one offer today.
Although it wasn't for a job.
I will raise that baby with you.
Jared I am ready to be a father.
This should not be on camera.
I'm such a mess.
I'll never be a real sportscaster.
Oh, now, don't say that.
You know what, I think you're gonna get your dream job someday.
You do? Why? - Huh? Why? - Mmm.
Why? Um, you're a hard worker.
And you're a very pretty girl, and so you'll look great on camera.
And you're really smart about sports.
Hey! You might actually get that job someday.
Thanks, Ma.
You're the best.
I hope my baby feels about me the way I feel about you.
I'm sure it will.
But what if I don't love my baby as much as it loves me? Well, that can happen.
I got the job! I'm the new head coach at St.
Paul's! Wow.
Rough timing.
- Attaboy! - That's great! You all right? 'Course.
Congrats, buddy! That's awesome.
Let's have a toast! Do you have any champagne, Ma? Oh, Sean, you know where we keep the champagne.
Next to the caviar, behind the diamonds.
You know, Gerard, you're gonna get to choose an assistant.
Any ideas? Who? Ma? You looking to coach, Ma? No.
Your father means No.
No way! He lives a block away from me.
He substitute teaches at the school where I teach.
This is my own thing! Finally! I'm a grown up! And I want my own thing! Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I found out that Sean withdrew his name from consideration for that job.
And he put in a good word for you.
He did? He said you deserved it.
I couldn't find that champagne.
But I found a light beer, a peach wine cooler, and a Lunchable.
It says it's expired.
I say, not their call.
- Hey, Sean.
- Yeah, Gerard? You, uh want to be my assistant coach? Oh, my God.
Yeah! I don't know what to say.
From the bottom of my heart Kee-bop-oo.
Gahmoo-lee-kah.