The Middle s09e06 Episode Script

1 Okay, there's your pillow Oh.
Yep.
- and blanket.
- Thanks.
And I got you those People magazines.
[ CHUCKLES .]
Good.
[ SIGHS .]
Mike, give my mom the remote.
Yeah, sure.
Here you go.
Watch whatever you want.
The game's coming on.
Well, I like those tiny-house shows.
You know the ones where they take a house like this but make it up nice.
BRICK: Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, Brick.
Grandma's gonna be staying with us for a while, and the good news is she didn't have a stroke.
The doctors are still trying to figure out what went wrong.
Hm.
Did she bring fudge? - [ GASPS .]
Oh - Brick! What? You said she didn't have a stroke.
She was in the hospital.
When would she have made fudge? I don't know how grandmas work.
All I know is that when I see her, there's usually fudge.
Oh, I can whip up a batch of fudge - lickety-split.
- No, no, no.
- You are not whipping up anything.
- Oh.
Brick can survive without fudge.
- So, that's a firm - No fudge! So, how's this gonna work? You want me to drive up and get your dad? Uh that would be a big "no.
" If my dad comes, they'll just get on each other's nerves.
He'll get frustrated because she can't make his lunch, and he'll end up yelling at her.
Not to mention the fact that he just bought a new, coiled garden hose, so we will never hear the end of that.
So, where are we gonna put her? "Where are we gonna put her?" She's not a puppy, Mike.
She's my mom.
And we're gonna put her in our room.
Fine.
Where are you putting me? You can sleep in Sue's bed.
I don't want to sleep in a little girl's bed.
My feet will hang over.
It's a standard human bed, so if your feet hang over, that's on you.
So, then my attending says, "Donahue, it's a cadaver.
You can dispense with the pleasantries.
" [ LAUGHS .]
I'm sorry.
I'm a polite guy.
I was taught to introduce myself.
And here I am bragging about how polite I am, and I'm talking about cadavers while we eat.
Oh, please.
I sit next to Axl at the dinner table.
I can eat through anything.
[ BOTH LAUGH .]
This is nice.
I'd say we make a Wednesday tradition out of it, but I'd probably have to run it by your boyfriend first.
- Am I right? - Right.
[ LAUGHS .]
- Wait, I don't have a boyfriend.
- You don't? But I thought Axl said I dated a guy for a little while last year.
He drove the campus safety cart, but it didn't work out.
Our relationship.
Not the safety.
He is very revered at his job.
- Mm.
- But it's all good 'cause I am super busy with school - and my No-Cut A Capella.
- I totally get that.
With med school, I barely have enough time to meet anyone, let alone get to know someone well enough - to date them.
- Uh, hello! It takes a lot of time to really get to know a person.
Yeah.
Sometimes I-I almost think it would be easier to date someone if you're friends first.
Totally! 'Cause then it's like - you already have a connection.
- Right.
You can practically finish each other's Meals.
- Actually, I was gonna say "sentences.
" - Oh, duh.
- [ CHUCKLES .]
- That makes more sense.
You know, like us.
We've known each other for so long, it's just easy.
I mean, this might sound crazy, but sometimes I think we should Set each other up on dates? Uh Yeah.
That's That's the exact sentence I was gonna say, but you finished it for me.
Thanks, Suzy Q.
Yeah, of course.
- [ CHUCKLES .]
What a great idea.
- [ CHUCKLES .]
We're setting each other up on dates! - Yeah.
- Oh, yay! FRANKIE: Thank you so much, Dr.
Franklin.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Okay, so, they think it's benign positional vertigo.
Wait, slow down.
It's like when I saw "Hamilton" at Fort Wayne didn't catch a single word.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So, they think it's benign positional Well, you don't have to talk that slow.
I understand English.
[ SIGHS .]
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, all these darn pills are making me a little crabby.
It's totally fine, Mom.
Basically, the doctors think it's vertigo, but they want to run some tests to rule other stuff out, so they want to see you again on Friday.
Oh, no, that won't work.
I'm going home tomorrow.
What, Mom? No.
You're not going anywhere.
The doctor said these tests are very important.
Oh, they don't know.
Actually, Mom, they do know.
But I'm gonna take the day off of work, and I'll go with you, and in the meantime, you just relax, and I'll make you a nice, cool washcloth.
Oh, thank you.
Love you.
Love you more.
Wait, you're getting a washcloth? I think I'd rather have a moist paper towel.
Where are my paper towels? Wait, you didn't tell Janet about my incident, did you? Mom, you were in the hospital.
I had to tell her.
Well, don't bother her anymore.
Oh, she's very busy.
That Lucy's a genius and takes up a lot of her time.
Lucy made a rocket that went 20 feet.
That doesn't make her a genius.
Jealousy is not a good color on you, Frankie.
Okay, Mom.
I'm gonna go grab that paper towel.
Wait, you don't know how I make it.
Mom, I think I can run water on a paper towel.
I don't need to be as smart as Lucy - to figure that out.
- Okay.
But don't put it directly on your counter 'cause I want it clean.
Okay, so Sean and I are just hanging out, having pizza Oh, my God.
Did he ask you out? Wait, no spoilers.
I want to hear everything.
Okay, so, we're having pizza, and it turns out, he thought I had a boyfriend.
- And you tell him you don't.
- I tell him I don't, and then he says he's so busy with med school, he can't even think about having a girlfriend.
Ah, hunky med student too busy to find love until he realizes it's been right under his nose the whole time.
I like where this is going.
So, we talk about how much time and effort it takes to really get to know someone, and then he says, "This might sound crazy, but maybe you and I should" But he pauses, so I say Oh, don't tell me! I never want this story to end.
Okay, tell me! I say "set each other up on a date?" Shut up.
Ugh! I know! I don't know what I was doing, Brad.
I goofed my chance is what I did.
I had an opportunity to go for it, and it's gone forever! [ SIGHS .]
Sue, look at me.
Now look away.
Now look at me again.
You need to pull yourself up by your boot straps and, in the word of Swedish supergroup ABBA, "Take a chance.
Take a chance.
Take a Take a chance chance"! I can't, Brad! When I said we should set each other up, he seemed genuinely excited.
- Oh - I'm gonna have to set him up, but with who?! Oh, definitely go with a loser.
There's this girl in my dorm who's hooked on pharmacy-grade cough syrup.
She'll fall asleep right in her Caesar salad, and if she's not sleeping, she'll be stealing from him.
I can't do that.
I have to set him up with someone great.
Worst case scenario, they fall in love, get married, live a long, happy life together, she dies peacefully in her sleep, and then I swoop in and date Sean! And I'll know he's worth the wait because he was faithful to her for 65 years.
- Hm.
- Oh.
I think you're right, Sue.
It's like they say if you love something, set it up.
If it goes on a date and comes back to you, it's meant to be.
Oh, the problem is with the right burner.
Burner.
Burner! Oh, your dad says, "Hi.
" Bur-ner! Yes.
The left one goes click, click, light, but the right one goes click, click, click, click, light.
- She'll call you back, Dad.
- [ SCOFFS .]
The stove people are coming today.
You father has no idea what to tell them.
I'm gonna have to drive back.
No, no, no.
You can't do that.
I will call the stove people and reschedule the appointment.
I'm sure they get cancellations all the time.
- I'm sure they do from rude people.
- [ SIGHS .]
Sweetie, our generation kept their appointments.
Yeah, Mom, it's really not a big deal.
Yes, it is.
We made a commitment to that stove guy, and we're gonna honor it.
Mom, you're not marrying the stove guy.
You're just rescheduling.
Yeah, oh, hi.
Hello.
Um, yeah, I-I need to cancel a service call.
I'm calling for my mom, Pat Spence.
Oh, this is not like me.
You tell them this is not like me! My mom says it's not like her.
I'm sorry, yes.
Can you repeat that? Yeah.
Friday between 8:00 and 11:00 would be great.
I'm not gonna pay the $6 cancellation fee.
They said they would waive the fee.
I'll pay the fee.
- Just keep the appointment - [ SIGHS .]
and explain to them that I would've called sooner, but your father changed phone companies again, - and then I forgot.
- I am so sorry.
Mom, he doesn't need to know that.
- Okay.
- [ SCOFFS .]
Hello, this is Pat Spence.
Yes, let me explain about the stove.
Uh, I'm staying at my daughter's house because they think I have vertigo.
They have to take more tests.
We bought the house in 1985 just after our girls graduated.
Mom, he doesn't need to know Sweetie, I am on the phone.
No butter? Anyway, uh, it was originally painted avocado green which, by the way, I don't think they even make that color appliance anymore.
So, her name is Tessa.
I met her in my econ class, and she's pretty, but, you know, not, like, the best thing in the world, and let's see Oh, she's funny, but not someone who would, like, go somewhere with her comedy.
She can push a little.
But, you know, you can decide for yourself.
You might think there's someone out there who's better.
Your call.
Okay, didn't do quite as much research as you, but as far as your date goes, I've got a couple good options.
Still narrowing it down, but it's definitely on for tomorrow night.
Okay.
Oh, hey! Tessa! Tessa, this is Sean.
Sean, Tessa.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, put that away.
I'm a hugger.
[ LAUGHS .]
Oh, save some for later.
Or don't.
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY .]
Bear with me, Mrs.
Perkins.
I'm just a first year.
Bet you wish you went with a better insurance plan now.
[ LAUGHS .]
You're so cute.
I could sit here all day.
Are you taken? I have a whole wallet full of granddaughters.
Well, actually, I went on a date last night which it was fine.
She checked all the boxes, but I don't know.
I mean - My friend Sue set me up.
- Mm-hmm.
And the funny thing is I would've rather gone on a date with her.
Mm-hmm.
So, you're smitten with Sue, huh? Yeah, she's pretty special.
And now I'm supposed to set her up with one of my friends, but the more I keep thinking about it, am I really gonna let some other guy show up and take the girl I like out on a date? No way, you're not.
Yeah.
- So what if it was me? - Ooh.
What if when Sue Heck opens her door tonight, it's Sean Donahue standing there? [ LAUGHS .]
You know what? I'm gonna go for it! Well, good for you.
Now, let's take that can-do attitude and get me to crap.
Yes.
Of course, yes.
Okay, here you go.
Ohh.
[ SNIFFS .]
Whew! I-I haven't showered in four days.
I-I'm gonna have to break out the brand-name soap for this one.
Listen, I'm gonna be in there for a while, so if you want me to grab you a pop, now is the time to ask.
Well, if your dad was here, I wouldn't even be able to have a pop.
About five years ago, Harvey from across the street - got on your dad about Aspartame.
- [ SIGHS .]
You remember Harvey.
He's the one that's got the dog that barks all night.
I can never remember that dog's name.
Yes or no on the pop, Mom? Oh, I'm not thirsty.
But when you do come out, I'd love another wet paper towel.
It was a little drippy the last time, so you're gonna want to wring it.
I'm gonna want to wring it, all right.
[ HUMS .]
Ahh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not sleeping in here again, are you? Yeah, Dad, no offense, - but your snoring is unbearable.
- I agree, except for the "no offense" part.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you go sleep on the nice, comfy couch, huh? I got a better idea.
Why don't you two buy a house? Then you can decide where people sleep.
Hey, I pay for groceries! I mean, I haven't yet, but you told me I'm supposed to.
Look, I'm the dad, and I'm not going anywhere.
Besides, I'm starting to warm up to this place.
Sue's bed is comfortable, the room smells like flowers, and her unicorn night light lights my path to the bathroom like a runway.
- God, this is so unfair! - Come on, Dad.
- You're just taking over everything.
- Please! It's just Bup-bup-bup! I don't want to hear it.
You two have very nice beds in a very nice house.
Now, scamper through that hole in the wall and leave me alone.
[ HUMS .]
Ahh! FRANKIE: So, Saturday night.
- A little lipstick, a quick pep talk - [ KNOCK ON DOOR .]
and Sue was ready to meet her mystery date.
Hi, I'm Sue.
Nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you, too.
What do you got there? Uh, let's see.
Apple and Brie cheese sandwich, macadamia nut salad, and a piece of chocolate cake.
Oh, okay.
Are we having a little moonlight picnic? Could be, I Okay.
Sounds great.
Let's do it.
All right.
All right.
[ CHUCKLES .]
I can't believe Dad drove us from our own room.
Does he know what time I have to be on the bus tomorrow? What about me, huh? I got to drive the bus.
You just got to sit in the back, and come up with clever nicknames for Susie Miller's boobs.
Or whatever it is you do to pass the time.
Point is, I am responsible for children.
Dad works in a quarry.
I mean, what does he even do there? I saw him staple a few papers when I was there.
He probably sells rocks.
You don't sell rocks, Brick.
People just dig 'em up.
It's public domain.
Well, maybe he turns rocks into marble counters.
If he could do that, we'd have a better kitchen.
Well, I know the word "quarry" is derived from the old French "quarriere" which translated to Latin means - "place where stone is squared.
" - Okay.
So, we've established - you'll never see a girl naked.
- Mm.
How's that college degree? Did you get it from the University of Moving Back In With Your Parents? Mean is not funny, Brick.
Look, all I know is a guy who does something with rocks is making us sleep out here.
I need sleep, dude.
I'm a bus driver.
I need sleep, too.
I got to do well in school so I don't end up as a bus driver or a guy who does stuff with rocks.
[ GRUMBLES .]
What does Dad do? [ KNOCK ON DOOR .]
Uh, hey, Lexie.
I-I was expecting you to be Sue.
I was expecting you to be the Postmates guy.
Okay.
Do you happen to know where Sue is? I haven't seen her.
I've just been in my room studying.
Where the heck is my Brie sandwich? Mmm! Mm.
It must be so amazing being in a band.
It is.
It's cool.
I mean, unless you're trying to be awesome, and you jump off an amp, and you break your pinkie finger on the drum set.
Ooh! No way! Yeah.
[ LAUGHS .]
- You did that? - Uh, yeah.
I did.
- I actually cried a little backstage.
- [ LAUGHS .]
And by "a little," I mean "a lot.
" You know, and by "backstage," I mean "in front of the audience.
" [ LAUGHS .]
Oh, man.
Sean didn't tell me you were so funny.
Who's Sean? Mom, what are you doing? I had a burst of energy, and I thought I would reorganize your cabinets.
You have vertigo.
You are not even supposed to get up without supervision.
You could've slipped and hit your head! Oh, sweetie, I would never slip on these floors.
They're too sticky.
[ SIGHS .]
Still, I don't need you to reorganize my cabinets.
Everything is fine where it was.
Well At least separate your beans from your soups.
Mom, please, I have had to switch two shifts at work.
I'm getting no sleep.
So, at least let me put my beans where I want them.
Well, I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't know you were so picky.
I mean, there's no evidence around here that anybody cares where anything goes.
Okay, Mom, I know! Our generation just sucks, because we cancel appointments, and we don't organize our cans, and we're loosey-goosey with money, but before you criticize me, why don't you take a look at yourself 'cause paper towels aren't better than washcloths and round saltines aren't better than square.
7% not a good tip.
And your stories start way too early.
If somebody asks you a question, they don't want you to start at your birth! [ CRYING .]
[ SIGHS .]
Good thing your dad didn't come down.
He might've yelled at her.
I'm horrible, Mike.
I am the worst daughter on Earth.
I just yelled at my sick mother.
But she took all my stuff out of the cabinet, and I won't be able to find my green beans.
[ VOICE BREAKING .]
I don't want my mom to get old! Hey, it's okay.
Hang in there.
But is this it? Is this how my mom is gonna be now? [ NORMAL VOICE .]
Everything changes, and this is how it's gonna be from here on out? I thought I had years before this.
Hey, every day might not be good, but there's something good in every day.
I guess.
I just want another chance another chance to go back and not yell at my mom.
You never run out of chances till you stop taking them.
Okay, why are you talking weird? I No offense, but you're starting to sound kind of like Sue's wall.
Hm.
I guess I do.
Maybe those inspirational posters are seeping in.
I'm just scared, Mike.
I'm scared about taking care of my mom.
I can barely keep things together as it is.
I mean, I don't know if I'm a good caregiver.
I'm not patient enough.
The whole time I'm doing it, I keep thinking, "I just want to watch 'The Bachelor.
'" Well, don't beat yourself up.
You're doing a heck of a lot better than our kids are gonna do with us.
That's true.
PAT: Frankie! [ SIGHS .]
[ GROANS .]
Mom, are you all right? Oh, it's that stupid medicine.
I thought I could hold something down, but I can't.
Oh [ GROANS .]
Oh, you're gonna need to wash that bath mat.
Oh, and I think I ruined your good Holiday Inn towel.
It's okay.
That towel's had a good run.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Frankie.
No, it's not a problem.
I'll clean it up.
Do you want some ginger ale or saltines or something? I have the round ones.
I feel like such a burden.
Oh, stop it.
Well, it's not supposed to be this way, Frankie.
You shouldn't be feeding me and schlepping me to the doctor [VOICE BREAKING.]
and cleaning up my messes.
Mom, really, it's fine.
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
It isn't fine! You shouldn't be doing any of this.
Mom.
It's my privilege.
Don't you remember? I'm so sorry, Mom.
I-I don't know why she won't stop crying.
I changed her four times today.
Well, she's a baby, and babies cry.
But I just feel like I'm failing in every way, and I haven't slept in three weeks, I'm very overwhelmed, and I just keep calling you to bail me out, and you shouldn't have to do it, Mom.
- Oh - You shouldn't have to.
It's my privilege.
Okay.
Axl, I'm-a coming! I love you, Mom.
[ VOICE BREAKING .]
I love you, too, honey.
Oh [ BIRDS CAWING .]
Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no! Axl! Get up! I'm late for school! Nobody cares, Brick! Wait a minute.
I'm your bus driver! Oh, God.
Why did we stay up all night trying to figure out what Dad does? We got to get to the bus yard.
- Uh, we don't have time! - What are we gonna do? [ TIRES SQUEAL, KIDS SCREAMING .]
Okay.
Okay, guys.
Come on.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Turn off the stove! Turn off the stove now! Turn it off! Thank you.
Hey! Hey, you two! Out of the bed.
I know what you're doing up there, and it's not cool.
So, there's a guy standing at my door in a nice outfit holding a bag of food.
To me, that says "date.
" I totally get it.
- Isn't that funny? - It's hilarious.
Oh, I hope your friend's okay, though.
I feel so horrible for standing him up.
Nah, it's it's all good.
Well, I mean, if he still wants to go out, I totally would.
It's just I sort of hit it off with the Postmates guy.
Don't worry, Suzy Q.
You're happy.
That's all that matters.
Aww! You sure your friend's gonna be okay? Yeah, he's used to it.
[ SIGHS .]
Okay, Mom.
I made sure all your medicine is in your purse.
Oh, and I got some extra paper towels so we don't have to stop on the way home.
Yes, it's the kind you like.
- [ TRUNK CLOSES .]
- [ CHUCKLES .]
There's some construction on 41.
So, you might want to stay on Rybeck Road till you're out of town.
Okay.
Thanks for letting me steal your wife, Mike.
You got a good one here.
She's working out so far.
- Say "Hi" to Tag for me.
- Okay.
He doesn't have to call me or anything.
Okay.
AXL: Bye, Grandma.
Next time, bring fudge.
Tough day at the office? Well yeah.
Actually, I, um made some decisions which the powers that be may or may not have interpreted as extremely poor or possibly actionable judgment.
I overslept.
I used the Winnebago to pick up the kids on my bus route.
- They fired me.
- Hm.
Well, you know, Axl, when it rains, look for rainbows.
When it's dark, look for stars.
I got to get out of Sue's room.
What exactly do you do, by the way?