The Middle s09e08 Episode Script
Eyes Wide Open.
1 Nope.
Wrong.
Again.
[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY.]
Top or bottom? Uh - [DISHES CLATTER.]
- Wrong! Again.
But it fits there.
Not my system! Again.
I can't deal with this! It's too hard! Oh, is it hard? Is it too hard? I do it every day.
And silverware up, sharp knives down.
No.
Oh! Daddy! Help me! She's a crazy person! What's going on? He's 23 years old and living in our house he should know how to load the dishwasher.
What do you mean? He's been loading the dishwasher for years.
Yeah, and never correctly.
He just throws everything in here like a big mess.
That's why we have chipped bowls, our Tupperware is melted.
The Spider-Man and Flintstone glasses rubbed against each other, so now we have no nice glasses for company.
As long as he is living in this house, he's gonna learn to do things right.
Don't you help him.
- Ugh! - [DISHES CLATTER.]
My brain hurts.
I need a break.
Oh, fine.
You can't take it, go cool off.
And pick up your socks! For every stinky sock I find lying around there, I'm gonna leave a bra.
I'm still working on this.
FRANKIE: The thing about being a reader is sometimes you miss the end-of-day pep rally, the free after-school doughnuts from the booster club, and the bus home.
Um, hey, excuse me.
Sorry, hi.
I'm totally lost.
Where's the principal's office? Over there.
Cool.
Thanks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Are you new here? Yeah.
I-I mean, I will be.
I start Monday.
So, you haven't met anybody else in the school? Nope, just you.
And you don't know if there's anybody better? W-What? I'd be delighted to show you where the office is.
How do you not want to come to "Skate Along Xanadu" at the roller rink? It's my second favorite Olivia Newton-John movie.
My mom's even coming up.
We're not telling Dad.
It's a whole thing.
No, it sounds super fun, but Lexie's at her grandma's and Aidan, my Postmates guy, has a gig, so I'm on my own this weekend.
And I'm actually kinda looking forward to it.
I have never lived on my own before.
Okay.
But let me know if you change your mind.
I got to go meet Mom at Spencer's Gifts.
We're getting wigs.
They come three in a bag.
Mm [DOOR CLOSES.]
All right, I am off to Chicago to see Hutch for the weekend.
No offense, but I need to get away from you people.
I'm sorry I didn't fill out the release forms.
I'll be back on lockdown on Monday.
W C-Call us when you get there.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Mom, Dad, great news.
My sophomore year is finally picking up.
There's a new girl at school named Lilah, and she doesn't know anybody, and she's coming over here tomorrow.
You invited a girl here and she said "yes"? Promise to do her homework for a year or something? No.
I just told her that I was hanging out and she should join me.
But where do I go from here? I have no idea how to court a lady.
I wish I could just grab her and keep her in the basement for three days until she likes me.
Yeah, Brick, don't say that again.
Sorry.
But I only have this weekend to make my move.
Once Monday hits and the whole school sees her, it's over.
Well, wow.
So, you really like this girl? She's available of course I like her.
I don't know what it is, but I just want to spirit her off to a cabin in the woods so she's totally dependant on me for meals.
Brick, again Look, all I know is, she's coming over here tomorrow, and we got to do something epic.
We can't just throw something together at the last minute.
Everything has to be on point.
Mom, first of all, maybe you could start by picking up some of these bras.
I'm telling you, this girl is a whole new opportunity for me.
For the first time since breaking up with Cindy, I feel alive again.
I just like her so much I want to squeeze her until she stops breathing.
Brick! Brick! No! I'm saying I want to smother her with Oh, I see what you mean now.
So, Sue was excited for her weekend alone.
First thing on her agenda? Catch up on all the classic films she'd never seen, starting with an Oscar-winning movie about fluffy little farm animals [GASPS.]
"Silence of the Lambs.
" Hello, Lilah.
I'm Brick's mom.
It's so nice to meet you.
Welcome to our No, no, no! The line is, "Very nice to meet you.
" Look, I only have one shot at Lilah liking me before she meets other people.
We have to nail her down by Monday.
Brick Sorry, not "nail her down.
" Win her over.
This isn't fair.
Why do I have all the long speeches? Your dad has one-word lines "Yep.
" "Eh.
" "Nope.
" I'm carrying the whole show.
That's your character.
I wrote you like you are.
Dad doesn't say much, so he gets fewer words.
I can't help it if I say a lot with a little.
Okay, the first two pages will take us from 3:15 to 3:18.
At that point, Dad and Lilah will head into the family room.
And, Mom, you'll walk in with what kind of cookies? Warm.
And? Chocolate chip or shortbread, but only if from a recipe.
If not from a recipe, then packaged, but not from Frugal Hoosier.
No cracks, no halves.
Whole cookies only.
Good.
Then I'll come down the hall pretending to talk to a friend on my phone, which will be Dad's cue to say [CLEARS THROAT.]
"Brick, quit talking to all your friends all the time.
You have company.
" Great! Remember, it takes a village to get me a girl.
We'll run this script one more time, then we're going to Sears to get me some white jeans.
From the top.
Look at you, rockin' the bun.
I like that.
Makes you look dangerous like a homeless person.
Still hilarious, I see.
Damn, Hutch, this place is sweet.
Yeah, well, I'm making some decent coin now, so I figured I'd treat myself to some nice digs.
The view ain't much, but if you lean far enough out the window, you could see the lake as you plummet to your death.
Oh.
But enough about that.
I want to hear about Europe.
Dude, it was awesome.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello? Yes, I'm here.
I don't know, like five minutes ago? No, I'm fine.
Yes, I ate.
I'm with him right now.
I'm not saying "hi" for you.
Don't make me block you.
My mom says, "Hi.
" Hmm.
All right.
Oh, we have got to toast this occasion with my new invention.
It's called Bwine.
- Hmm.
- Beer mixed with wine.
This is my Bwhite Zinfandel.
Hmm.
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
A coaster? Really? Wh-What? That table is genuine pressed wood.
So, what else you doing to pay the bills, besides making moonshine? Well, you know, still at Spudsy's.
Really glad I got that business degree while I'm dolloping sour cream.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
But I'm sure something else will pop up.
You, uh You heard from Kenny? Oh, dude, I forgot to tell you, I totally lost Kenny on this train in Venice.
- It was crazy.
- [WHIRRING.]
Who are you? What? I don't want any ants.
Ants? We love ants.
They were our pets.
I like to keep things nice for the ladies.
I want my place to say, "Thank you for staying.
Please come again, and next time, bring a friend.
We know you have a choice in where you spend your night, and we thank you for choosing Hutch.
" Hmm.
Okay.
Fine.
So, what's the plan? We hitting some bars? Yeah, we are, but not on Sunday.
Hmm.
Did you get religion? No, I got to host this mixer.
It's this lame thing my apartment complex does.
Each month, someone from the building takes a turn hosting, and it's my night to do it.
Wow.
Sunday's a mixer? What's Monday Bingo night? Oh, that's Tuesday nights.
And you can win up to 20 bucks.
With Hannibal Lecter still haunting her mind, a quiet bedroom wasn't the ideal place for Sue to get to sleep.
Maybe a change of location would help.
Nope.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[SIGHS.]
"How to fall asleep" "20 most effective ways to fall asleep.
One, turn off all devices.
" Got it.
[SIGHS.]
Shoot.
I wonder what the other 19 were.
Is that what you're wearing? Yeah, why? Why are you in plaid? Dad wears plaid.
It's a redundant visual picture.
It doesn't work.
And where are the cookies? [SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
I said "warm.
" Yep.
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Frankie, read the stage directions you're the one who answers the door.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Okay, this is it.
And don't forget, if things start going south, we're gonna go with the alternate ending on page 12.
And remember, Brick, no creepy basement talk.
Good note, Mom.
Hi.
Is this Brick's house? Hello Line? And I have recently learned several notes on the French horn.
Cool.
Maybe sometime I can bring my clarinet over and we can rock out.
FRANKIE: Oh, are you leaving? That's probably good, because Brick has those two parties to go to.
Isn't that right, Mike? Yep.
Well, I am out of here.
Thank you so much for having me.
And the cookies? They looked like they were from the store, but they were warm.
So good! So, I'll see you at school Monday? I'll meet you at your bus before you go in.
Thanks.
I feel better at least knowing I know somebody.
Actually, you really don't need to know anybody else.
In fact, I recommend not.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Whoo! Did you hear that? She wants me to meet her at her bus.
And, Dad, kudos on your performance.
You hit every mark.
I felt good.
Why does he get all the praise? I had that two-page speech about the Jell-O.
You were okay.
I thought you were pushing.
[SOFTLY.]
Maybe if I had better material Hey, Brick, you were in the zone, too, pal.
I mean, after you went to the bathroom, you came back.
And you didn't talk about what you did.
I know, and I really wanted to because - We don't need to know.
- We don't need to know.
Well, this is great, but Monday's the real test.
Monday, Lilah goes wide.
She's gonna see all the other sophomores and they're gonna see her.
But before that happens, I have to stake my claim.
First chance I get, I'm gonna try to hold her hand.
I feel bad for her, because once I do, she'll never be popular.
Oh, well.
War is hell.
Sandman's here! Brad, I don't know what to do! I haven't slept in two days! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I'm gonna make some warm milk.
- Had it.
- Turkey? - Ate it.
- Count sheep? - Tried it.
- Hmm.
But every time I did, it reminded me of lambs, which reminded me of the movie, which reminded me of the scary naked man who was dancing around like a lady.
Whenever I think of that scene, I just think of Jodie Foster accepting her Oscar in that baby-pink pantsuit with satin gloves and fabulous pop of red from her AIDS ribbon.
It soothes me.
Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of you.
I know just how to get you to relax.
Now, lie back.
Day by day Day by day Oh, dear Lord, three things I pray Three things I pray To see Thee more clearly Love Thee more dearly Follow Thee more nearly Day by day Day by day Day by day Day by day Whoa! Whoa, this isn't a freshman dorm party.
You've got to put 'em in bowls.
Oh, my God, dude, you're killing me! Who are you? [SIGHS.]
I know, I feel you, but this is a classy building.
I mean, we got a doorman, and there's almost no barf in the hallways.
Yawn, sounds boring.
- Hey, you know what we should do? - Hmm? Remember how we used to play Big Cruddy at our parties? I do love me some Big Cruddy.
Wait, why did we call it that, again? I don't know.
We were drunk.
Just saying, maybe this mixer wouldn't suck so much if we pretended to be other people.
Like, I could be the guy who, uh, invented Lucky Charms, or a smoke jumper, parachutes into forest fires.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Dude, I don't think a smoke jumper's mommy calls him to see if he got here okay.
I told her not to.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
So, the pay is bad, but I get my summers off.
- Hmm.
- And what do you do? Well, I kind of just retired.
Really? Yeah from Olympic diving.
Trained with Greg Louganis, maybe you've heard of him? Probably the greatest diver in history.
I mean, I'm not that good I'm ranked, like, eighth in the world.
But I didn't win any medals or anything, so don't look it up.
Wow.
Uh, what's Rio like? Great movie.
Hilarious.
Why? 'Cause that's where the Olympics were.
Hell, yeah.
I'm Beyoncé's cousin.
Her close friends call her Queen B, but family, we just call her B.
One time, we were at this club, and I just turned to her, and I said, "Wow, look at all the single ladies.
" And, well [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you see, the power all comes from your core when you lift off.
Unless you're doing one of those handstand-y dives, - which is called an "upside-downer.
" - Oh.
There's a little bit more of, like Hey, man! Watch it! Whoa.
Oh, it's just water.
Which leaves water marks.
Dude, we lived in a 'Bago without a roof.
I mean, we once left a sofa in the woods for like two weeks.
I know, but my stuff's nicer now.
Oh, right, I'm sorry.
I forgot the table is a hand-me-down from Beyoncé.
Well, I'm just saying that, for an Olympic diver, you seem kinda clumsy.
Well, I'm just saying that, for Beyoncé's cousin, it seems a little weird the coolest club you could get us into last night was the dueling-pianos bar.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I was wondering now that you're done with the whole Olympic-diving thing, what are you up to? 'Cause I was at this baked-potato place, and I swear, the guy working the counter looked just like you.
Hey, man, that was not cool.
What wasn't? That crack about Spudsy's too far.
Dude, you do work at a potato place.
You made fun of it yourself.
Not in front of people.
That was below the belt.
Look, no biggie.
I'll just go back out there and pump you back up about the Olympic-diver thing, and I'll say you're on the short list for "Dancing with the Stars.
" You know what? Don't.
Why not? [SIGHS.]
'Cause it's B.
S.
Excuse me.
Everyone, I have something to say.
Um this is gonna be hard to believe [CHUCKLES.]
but although I do clearly have the sinewy grace of an Olympic diver [INHALES DEEPLY.]
I'm not.
Been lying to you.
The truth is, although I do have a college degree, I now work part-time at a potato store for minimum wage.
You know, I still live at home with my parents.
I share a room with my little brother.
And I put my mom's underwear away, 'cause that's just the way it works in our house.
You can't just do the wash.
You got to put it away, too.
And if you're gonna load the dishwasher, you got to do it right.
Who knew that plastic bowls go on the top rack? Am I right? Oh, my God.
Everybody.
Really? Wow, okay.
Look point is, that's who I really am.
And I had to tell you, 'cause if I'm not honest with you, I can't be honest with myself.
[SIGHS.]
I'm proud of you, man.
That took a lot of guts.
I'll tell Beyoncé about it might be a song in it.
So, Monday rolled around Lilah's first day of school and Brick was ready for Operation Handhold.
So, Lilah, how was your first day? Pretty good.
I like my classes, and my teachers seem chill.
Brick kept me busy, so I didn't really get a chance to talk to any other people.
And he also said there's no clubs or activities at school.
That seems weird.
Yeah.
You need to be careful of any signs going up, 'cause they're frequently shills for cults.
Sounds like everything's going according to script.
The only bad thing was, I got these anonymous notes in my locker uh, like, one in the morning, and then I got one after school that were kinda threatening.
What? You're kidding? Yeah, one of them said, "Keep your filthy ears to yourself.
" And then the other one said, uh, "Stay away from the little guy if you value your shins.
" [SPOON CLATTERS.]
Okay, well, everything's pretty much where you think it is at school.
You'll find it.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
What did you just do? You heard her those threats were from Cindy! Those threats were from the lady I love! She clearly wants me back! No, no, no, no, no.
We put too much work into getting this fish in the boat.
Besides, Lilah is lovely and smart and normal and she seems to really like you.
And she eats cereal.
We don't have to buy her shrimp.
But she's so much work.
And with Cindy, things just come so naturally.
You know Cindy she's one in a million.
I'd go higher.
I blew it and broke up with her and thought I lost her forever, but now I have hope.
I'm walking on air! [BOTH SIGH.]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Aah! After a 72-hour bout of insomnia, Sue wasn't sure if that was a real knock or a figment of a sleep-deprived mind.
But just when she thought all was lost, her prayer was answered.
Dad? Wait, what are you doing here? Well, you know, on the group text, you were telling your mom about how you haven't slept in three days.
Aww.
And by the way, take me off that group text it's annoying.
So, what's the problem? Well, I don't know.
I was looking forward to Lexie being away so that I could be on my own, but then being alone freaked me out.
I mean, it's a little worrying.
How am I ever gonna live by myself if I can't be alone? Well, we're gonna be dead someday, so you got to figure it out.
Dad.
What? Sue, it's not like this is something new.
You've always been hard to settle down and get to bed.
Really? Yeah.
Well, you kinda idle high.
It's It's great that you get so excited about stuff, but it's hard to bring all that energy down.
Even when you were a baby, your mom used to be at her wits' end trying to calm you down.
She would try to swaddle you, but [CLICKS TONGUE.]
she'd never quite do it right.
I guess I kinda had the magic touch.
See, the trick is, make that first tuck nice and snug.
There you go.
That's key, because if that goes slack, the whole thing kinda falls apart.
So, you bring that corner up and bring this side over.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
Then once I got you all bundled, I'd just carry you around the room like a football.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your whole body would fit right here.
How's that? Actually pretty nice.
Hmm.
Well, then, after I got you all wrapped up, I would tell you a nice, long boring story about my day.
Like today, for instance somebody ordered an extra flat of granite, but I couldn't find the original order.
So I had to look through the accordion file, and sure enough, someone had misfiled it with the January orders.
So, I called Dave down at the pit, told him to come up.
He didn't come right away, so I had to head down there and meet him.
Met him halfway we ran into each other.
Had a nice laugh about that.
Then I gave him a form Z207-B that's for granite.
Don't want to mix that up with Z206-C.
That's for limestone.
Still got it.
[SIGHS.]
Can you open this for me? My arm's still a little numb from Sue sleeping on it all night.
Oh.
So, the swaddling still worked, huh? Like a charm.
Hmm.
I never could do that.
I know.
I should teach a class.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Figured if I want to get a real job, I probably shouldn't look like some dude in a jam band.
I appreciate you guys being so cool about it.
Uh, not that cool.
I snuck into your room a couple times with hedge clippers.
Your mom stopped me.
It was time.
I want my own place.
I want posters with frames and fine, pressed-wood things that I care about.
Before, I was saying I was looking for a job, but honestly, I was kinda half-assin' it.
But from now on, I'm on it full-time.
Tomorrow, I'm getting up and hitting the job sites early maybe 11:00.
Ha.
I'm kidding.
Kidding.
9:30 ish.
Well, good for you, Axl.
Sounds great.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, Mike, our 23-year-old is growing up.
Yep.
Really? You have nothing more to say? Nope.
[BOTTLES CLINK.]
Wrong.
Again.
[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY.]
Top or bottom? Uh - [DISHES CLATTER.]
- Wrong! Again.
But it fits there.
Not my system! Again.
I can't deal with this! It's too hard! Oh, is it hard? Is it too hard? I do it every day.
And silverware up, sharp knives down.
No.
Oh! Daddy! Help me! She's a crazy person! What's going on? He's 23 years old and living in our house he should know how to load the dishwasher.
What do you mean? He's been loading the dishwasher for years.
Yeah, and never correctly.
He just throws everything in here like a big mess.
That's why we have chipped bowls, our Tupperware is melted.
The Spider-Man and Flintstone glasses rubbed against each other, so now we have no nice glasses for company.
As long as he is living in this house, he's gonna learn to do things right.
Don't you help him.
- Ugh! - [DISHES CLATTER.]
My brain hurts.
I need a break.
Oh, fine.
You can't take it, go cool off.
And pick up your socks! For every stinky sock I find lying around there, I'm gonna leave a bra.
I'm still working on this.
FRANKIE: The thing about being a reader is sometimes you miss the end-of-day pep rally, the free after-school doughnuts from the booster club, and the bus home.
Um, hey, excuse me.
Sorry, hi.
I'm totally lost.
Where's the principal's office? Over there.
Cool.
Thanks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Are you new here? Yeah.
I-I mean, I will be.
I start Monday.
So, you haven't met anybody else in the school? Nope, just you.
And you don't know if there's anybody better? W-What? I'd be delighted to show you where the office is.
How do you not want to come to "Skate Along Xanadu" at the roller rink? It's my second favorite Olivia Newton-John movie.
My mom's even coming up.
We're not telling Dad.
It's a whole thing.
No, it sounds super fun, but Lexie's at her grandma's and Aidan, my Postmates guy, has a gig, so I'm on my own this weekend.
And I'm actually kinda looking forward to it.
I have never lived on my own before.
Okay.
But let me know if you change your mind.
I got to go meet Mom at Spencer's Gifts.
We're getting wigs.
They come three in a bag.
Mm [DOOR CLOSES.]
All right, I am off to Chicago to see Hutch for the weekend.
No offense, but I need to get away from you people.
I'm sorry I didn't fill out the release forms.
I'll be back on lockdown on Monday.
W C-Call us when you get there.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Mom, Dad, great news.
My sophomore year is finally picking up.
There's a new girl at school named Lilah, and she doesn't know anybody, and she's coming over here tomorrow.
You invited a girl here and she said "yes"? Promise to do her homework for a year or something? No.
I just told her that I was hanging out and she should join me.
But where do I go from here? I have no idea how to court a lady.
I wish I could just grab her and keep her in the basement for three days until she likes me.
Yeah, Brick, don't say that again.
Sorry.
But I only have this weekend to make my move.
Once Monday hits and the whole school sees her, it's over.
Well, wow.
So, you really like this girl? She's available of course I like her.
I don't know what it is, but I just want to spirit her off to a cabin in the woods so she's totally dependant on me for meals.
Brick, again Look, all I know is, she's coming over here tomorrow, and we got to do something epic.
We can't just throw something together at the last minute.
Everything has to be on point.
Mom, first of all, maybe you could start by picking up some of these bras.
I'm telling you, this girl is a whole new opportunity for me.
For the first time since breaking up with Cindy, I feel alive again.
I just like her so much I want to squeeze her until she stops breathing.
Brick! Brick! No! I'm saying I want to smother her with Oh, I see what you mean now.
So, Sue was excited for her weekend alone.
First thing on her agenda? Catch up on all the classic films she'd never seen, starting with an Oscar-winning movie about fluffy little farm animals [GASPS.]
"Silence of the Lambs.
" Hello, Lilah.
I'm Brick's mom.
It's so nice to meet you.
Welcome to our No, no, no! The line is, "Very nice to meet you.
" Look, I only have one shot at Lilah liking me before she meets other people.
We have to nail her down by Monday.
Brick Sorry, not "nail her down.
" Win her over.
This isn't fair.
Why do I have all the long speeches? Your dad has one-word lines "Yep.
" "Eh.
" "Nope.
" I'm carrying the whole show.
That's your character.
I wrote you like you are.
Dad doesn't say much, so he gets fewer words.
I can't help it if I say a lot with a little.
Okay, the first two pages will take us from 3:15 to 3:18.
At that point, Dad and Lilah will head into the family room.
And, Mom, you'll walk in with what kind of cookies? Warm.
And? Chocolate chip or shortbread, but only if from a recipe.
If not from a recipe, then packaged, but not from Frugal Hoosier.
No cracks, no halves.
Whole cookies only.
Good.
Then I'll come down the hall pretending to talk to a friend on my phone, which will be Dad's cue to say [CLEARS THROAT.]
"Brick, quit talking to all your friends all the time.
You have company.
" Great! Remember, it takes a village to get me a girl.
We'll run this script one more time, then we're going to Sears to get me some white jeans.
From the top.
Look at you, rockin' the bun.
I like that.
Makes you look dangerous like a homeless person.
Still hilarious, I see.
Damn, Hutch, this place is sweet.
Yeah, well, I'm making some decent coin now, so I figured I'd treat myself to some nice digs.
The view ain't much, but if you lean far enough out the window, you could see the lake as you plummet to your death.
Oh.
But enough about that.
I want to hear about Europe.
Dude, it was awesome.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
[SIGHS.]
Hello? Yes, I'm here.
I don't know, like five minutes ago? No, I'm fine.
Yes, I ate.
I'm with him right now.
I'm not saying "hi" for you.
Don't make me block you.
My mom says, "Hi.
" Hmm.
All right.
Oh, we have got to toast this occasion with my new invention.
It's called Bwine.
- Hmm.
- Beer mixed with wine.
This is my Bwhite Zinfandel.
Hmm.
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
A coaster? Really? Wh-What? That table is genuine pressed wood.
So, what else you doing to pay the bills, besides making moonshine? Well, you know, still at Spudsy's.
Really glad I got that business degree while I'm dolloping sour cream.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
But I'm sure something else will pop up.
You, uh You heard from Kenny? Oh, dude, I forgot to tell you, I totally lost Kenny on this train in Venice.
- It was crazy.
- [WHIRRING.]
Who are you? What? I don't want any ants.
Ants? We love ants.
They were our pets.
I like to keep things nice for the ladies.
I want my place to say, "Thank you for staying.
Please come again, and next time, bring a friend.
We know you have a choice in where you spend your night, and we thank you for choosing Hutch.
" Hmm.
Okay.
Fine.
So, what's the plan? We hitting some bars? Yeah, we are, but not on Sunday.
Hmm.
Did you get religion? No, I got to host this mixer.
It's this lame thing my apartment complex does.
Each month, someone from the building takes a turn hosting, and it's my night to do it.
Wow.
Sunday's a mixer? What's Monday Bingo night? Oh, that's Tuesday nights.
And you can win up to 20 bucks.
With Hannibal Lecter still haunting her mind, a quiet bedroom wasn't the ideal place for Sue to get to sleep.
Maybe a change of location would help.
Nope.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[SIGHS.]
"How to fall asleep" "20 most effective ways to fall asleep.
One, turn off all devices.
" Got it.
[SIGHS.]
Shoot.
I wonder what the other 19 were.
Is that what you're wearing? Yeah, why? Why are you in plaid? Dad wears plaid.
It's a redundant visual picture.
It doesn't work.
And where are the cookies? [SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
I said "warm.
" Yep.
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Frankie, read the stage directions you're the one who answers the door.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Okay, this is it.
And don't forget, if things start going south, we're gonna go with the alternate ending on page 12.
And remember, Brick, no creepy basement talk.
Good note, Mom.
Hi.
Is this Brick's house? Hello Line? And I have recently learned several notes on the French horn.
Cool.
Maybe sometime I can bring my clarinet over and we can rock out.
FRANKIE: Oh, are you leaving? That's probably good, because Brick has those two parties to go to.
Isn't that right, Mike? Yep.
Well, I am out of here.
Thank you so much for having me.
And the cookies? They looked like they were from the store, but they were warm.
So good! So, I'll see you at school Monday? I'll meet you at your bus before you go in.
Thanks.
I feel better at least knowing I know somebody.
Actually, you really don't need to know anybody else.
In fact, I recommend not.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Whoo! Did you hear that? She wants me to meet her at her bus.
And, Dad, kudos on your performance.
You hit every mark.
I felt good.
Why does he get all the praise? I had that two-page speech about the Jell-O.
You were okay.
I thought you were pushing.
[SOFTLY.]
Maybe if I had better material Hey, Brick, you were in the zone, too, pal.
I mean, after you went to the bathroom, you came back.
And you didn't talk about what you did.
I know, and I really wanted to because - We don't need to know.
- We don't need to know.
Well, this is great, but Monday's the real test.
Monday, Lilah goes wide.
She's gonna see all the other sophomores and they're gonna see her.
But before that happens, I have to stake my claim.
First chance I get, I'm gonna try to hold her hand.
I feel bad for her, because once I do, she'll never be popular.
Oh, well.
War is hell.
Sandman's here! Brad, I don't know what to do! I haven't slept in two days! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I'm gonna make some warm milk.
- Had it.
- Turkey? - Ate it.
- Count sheep? - Tried it.
- Hmm.
But every time I did, it reminded me of lambs, which reminded me of the movie, which reminded me of the scary naked man who was dancing around like a lady.
Whenever I think of that scene, I just think of Jodie Foster accepting her Oscar in that baby-pink pantsuit with satin gloves and fabulous pop of red from her AIDS ribbon.
It soothes me.
Don't worry, I'm gonna take care of you.
I know just how to get you to relax.
Now, lie back.
Day by day Day by day Oh, dear Lord, three things I pray Three things I pray To see Thee more clearly Love Thee more dearly Follow Thee more nearly Day by day Day by day Day by day Day by day Whoa! Whoa, this isn't a freshman dorm party.
You've got to put 'em in bowls.
Oh, my God, dude, you're killing me! Who are you? [SIGHS.]
I know, I feel you, but this is a classy building.
I mean, we got a doorman, and there's almost no barf in the hallways.
Yawn, sounds boring.
- Hey, you know what we should do? - Hmm? Remember how we used to play Big Cruddy at our parties? I do love me some Big Cruddy.
Wait, why did we call it that, again? I don't know.
We were drunk.
Just saying, maybe this mixer wouldn't suck so much if we pretended to be other people.
Like, I could be the guy who, uh, invented Lucky Charms, or a smoke jumper, parachutes into forest fires.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Dude, I don't think a smoke jumper's mommy calls him to see if he got here okay.
I told her not to.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
So, the pay is bad, but I get my summers off.
- Hmm.
- And what do you do? Well, I kind of just retired.
Really? Yeah from Olympic diving.
Trained with Greg Louganis, maybe you've heard of him? Probably the greatest diver in history.
I mean, I'm not that good I'm ranked, like, eighth in the world.
But I didn't win any medals or anything, so don't look it up.
Wow.
Uh, what's Rio like? Great movie.
Hilarious.
Why? 'Cause that's where the Olympics were.
Hell, yeah.
I'm Beyoncé's cousin.
Her close friends call her Queen B, but family, we just call her B.
One time, we were at this club, and I just turned to her, and I said, "Wow, look at all the single ladies.
" And, well [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you see, the power all comes from your core when you lift off.
Unless you're doing one of those handstand-y dives, - which is called an "upside-downer.
" - Oh.
There's a little bit more of, like Hey, man! Watch it! Whoa.
Oh, it's just water.
Which leaves water marks.
Dude, we lived in a 'Bago without a roof.
I mean, we once left a sofa in the woods for like two weeks.
I know, but my stuff's nicer now.
Oh, right, I'm sorry.
I forgot the table is a hand-me-down from Beyoncé.
Well, I'm just saying that, for an Olympic diver, you seem kinda clumsy.
Well, I'm just saying that, for Beyoncé's cousin, it seems a little weird the coolest club you could get us into last night was the dueling-pianos bar.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I was wondering now that you're done with the whole Olympic-diving thing, what are you up to? 'Cause I was at this baked-potato place, and I swear, the guy working the counter looked just like you.
Hey, man, that was not cool.
What wasn't? That crack about Spudsy's too far.
Dude, you do work at a potato place.
You made fun of it yourself.
Not in front of people.
That was below the belt.
Look, no biggie.
I'll just go back out there and pump you back up about the Olympic-diver thing, and I'll say you're on the short list for "Dancing with the Stars.
" You know what? Don't.
Why not? [SIGHS.]
'Cause it's B.
S.
Excuse me.
Everyone, I have something to say.
Um this is gonna be hard to believe [CHUCKLES.]
but although I do clearly have the sinewy grace of an Olympic diver [INHALES DEEPLY.]
I'm not.
Been lying to you.
The truth is, although I do have a college degree, I now work part-time at a potato store for minimum wage.
You know, I still live at home with my parents.
I share a room with my little brother.
And I put my mom's underwear away, 'cause that's just the way it works in our house.
You can't just do the wash.
You got to put it away, too.
And if you're gonna load the dishwasher, you got to do it right.
Who knew that plastic bowls go on the top rack? Am I right? Oh, my God.
Everybody.
Really? Wow, okay.
Look point is, that's who I really am.
And I had to tell you, 'cause if I'm not honest with you, I can't be honest with myself.
[SIGHS.]
I'm proud of you, man.
That took a lot of guts.
I'll tell Beyoncé about it might be a song in it.
So, Monday rolled around Lilah's first day of school and Brick was ready for Operation Handhold.
So, Lilah, how was your first day? Pretty good.
I like my classes, and my teachers seem chill.
Brick kept me busy, so I didn't really get a chance to talk to any other people.
And he also said there's no clubs or activities at school.
That seems weird.
Yeah.
You need to be careful of any signs going up, 'cause they're frequently shills for cults.
Sounds like everything's going according to script.
The only bad thing was, I got these anonymous notes in my locker uh, like, one in the morning, and then I got one after school that were kinda threatening.
What? You're kidding? Yeah, one of them said, "Keep your filthy ears to yourself.
" And then the other one said, uh, "Stay away from the little guy if you value your shins.
" [SPOON CLATTERS.]
Okay, well, everything's pretty much where you think it is at school.
You'll find it.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
What did you just do? You heard her those threats were from Cindy! Those threats were from the lady I love! She clearly wants me back! No, no, no, no, no.
We put too much work into getting this fish in the boat.
Besides, Lilah is lovely and smart and normal and she seems to really like you.
And she eats cereal.
We don't have to buy her shrimp.
But she's so much work.
And with Cindy, things just come so naturally.
You know Cindy she's one in a million.
I'd go higher.
I blew it and broke up with her and thought I lost her forever, but now I have hope.
I'm walking on air! [BOTH SIGH.]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Aah! After a 72-hour bout of insomnia, Sue wasn't sure if that was a real knock or a figment of a sleep-deprived mind.
But just when she thought all was lost, her prayer was answered.
Dad? Wait, what are you doing here? Well, you know, on the group text, you were telling your mom about how you haven't slept in three days.
Aww.
And by the way, take me off that group text it's annoying.
So, what's the problem? Well, I don't know.
I was looking forward to Lexie being away so that I could be on my own, but then being alone freaked me out.
I mean, it's a little worrying.
How am I ever gonna live by myself if I can't be alone? Well, we're gonna be dead someday, so you got to figure it out.
Dad.
What? Sue, it's not like this is something new.
You've always been hard to settle down and get to bed.
Really? Yeah.
Well, you kinda idle high.
It's It's great that you get so excited about stuff, but it's hard to bring all that energy down.
Even when you were a baby, your mom used to be at her wits' end trying to calm you down.
She would try to swaddle you, but [CLICKS TONGUE.]
she'd never quite do it right.
I guess I kinda had the magic touch.
See, the trick is, make that first tuck nice and snug.
There you go.
That's key, because if that goes slack, the whole thing kinda falls apart.
So, you bring that corner up and bring this side over.
Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
Then once I got you all bundled, I'd just carry you around the room like a football.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your whole body would fit right here.
How's that? Actually pretty nice.
Hmm.
Well, then, after I got you all wrapped up, I would tell you a nice, long boring story about my day.
Like today, for instance somebody ordered an extra flat of granite, but I couldn't find the original order.
So I had to look through the accordion file, and sure enough, someone had misfiled it with the January orders.
So, I called Dave down at the pit, told him to come up.
He didn't come right away, so I had to head down there and meet him.
Met him halfway we ran into each other.
Had a nice laugh about that.
Then I gave him a form Z207-B that's for granite.
Don't want to mix that up with Z206-C.
That's for limestone.
Still got it.
[SIGHS.]
Can you open this for me? My arm's still a little numb from Sue sleeping on it all night.
Oh.
So, the swaddling still worked, huh? Like a charm.
Hmm.
I never could do that.
I know.
I should teach a class.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Figured if I want to get a real job, I probably shouldn't look like some dude in a jam band.
I appreciate you guys being so cool about it.
Uh, not that cool.
I snuck into your room a couple times with hedge clippers.
Your mom stopped me.
It was time.
I want my own place.
I want posters with frames and fine, pressed-wood things that I care about.
Before, I was saying I was looking for a job, but honestly, I was kinda half-assin' it.
But from now on, I'm on it full-time.
Tomorrow, I'm getting up and hitting the job sites early maybe 11:00.
Ha.
I'm kidding.
Kidding.
9:30 ish.
Well, good for you, Axl.
Sounds great.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, Mike, our 23-year-old is growing up.
Yep.
Really? You have nothing more to say? Nope.
[BOTTLES CLINK.]