The Mindy Project s01e17 Episode Script

Simone, I love my fedora.
Thank you so much.
I wrote your name in rhinestones until I ran out.
Well, I will cherish it.
Now, little Tambert is doing great.
However, I have some concerns regarding your health, which may risk affecting the pregnancy.
Chief among them being your Just you're a little bit Just one second.
Mindy.
Ooh, cool hat.
I need your help.
I need you to tell my favorite patient she's fat.
What? No.
Please, I can't tell her.
She loves me.
It would break her.
All right.
Dr.
Lahiri, how dare you.
I think she looks gorgeous the way she is.
But, what, she needs to lose weight now? Okay, relax.
Okay, yes, you could lose some weight.
- I'm sorry.
- Lose weight while I'm pregnant? I've never heard of anything so crazy.
I know, but certain complications can arise when You lose weight.
Excuse me? You heard me.
You're no Keira Knightley.
First of all, I am not overweight.
I fluctuate between chubby and curvy.
Second of all, I am not the pregnant one here.
You're not? I coulda sworn.
I coulda sworn that you were a bouncer at an Orlando strip club, but I kept that to myself.
Okay, okay, I think we're losing track of the issue here, okay? Which is that you are a gorgeous, rubenesque plum, and if it was up to me, you'd gain weight.
- No, no, no, no.
- And you would love it, wouldn't you, Jimmy? If you do not lose weight, Simone, your baby will be put at risk.
I I hate this.
I think you are perfect, but, I don't know, maybe there's some validity to what this woman is saying.
I know this is gonna be tough, but we should listen to Dr.
Reed.
Actually, it was me who You're right, Dr.
Reed.
You and me, we both gotta face the facts and lose some weight.
No, I'm not in this It's for our health.
Yeah, okay.
It's a brave step, Mindy.
Get off of me.
Okay.
hey, little bro.
Hey, happy birth-dizzle.
- Yeah.
- Happy Birthday.
You're amazing.
Rish, that was an incredible birthday song.
Play it for mom and dad.
So how are you celebrating? I am actually spending my birthday going on a blind date.
What happened to the midwife dude that you were getting weird with? Oh, Brendan? He's dead, yeah.
He got hit by a bus.
Sick! I am going on a date with a sophisticated gentleman that I met on the Internet.
He looks exactly like Topher Grace.
Huh? Topher Grace from that '70s show.
How am I supposed to remember a show from the '70s, dude? I was born in 1991.
Ugh, okay.
Rishi, I gotta go.
I'm here, okay? Bye, love you.
Be safe! Make good choices! Surprise! No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't be here, you can't be here, 'cause I'm going on a first date, a blind date with a really promising cute guy who looks A little bit like Topher Grace? Oh! You're Zach peabody? Born in Evansville, Illinois, 1977.
Fiscally conservative, social liberal.
Morgan, you set up a fake profile account on Facebook and then asked me out on it? It was all a ruse.
Sorry, we didn't know about the whole fake date thing.
But it got you here.
Guys, I just, I really didn't want a birthday party this year.
Happy Birthday, miss Mindy.
Olga, my housekeeper.
I was in charge of the guest list, and so I had Morgan blast your contacts.
Oh, my God.
Is that my plumber? And my old plumber? That's gonna be awkward.
I don't even know who that guy is.
That is the gentleman you rear-ended in the Hamptons last summer, Mike accident.
Dr.
Lahiri, I am loving Chinese food.
Yeah, I'm having a great time too, Betsy.
I didn't meet a cute guy or anything, but my handyman did give me an earful about Obama.
Hey, you're Mindy's friend, right? I'm Danny.
Oh, hey, I'm Alex.
Alex.
That's usually a guy's name, right? Not no? No, it's not.
I'm look, I mean, it fits you.
- I'm not saying you're manish or anything - Excuse me? I think the word Danny is searching for is statuesque.
Where has Mindy been hiding you? I'm out of the country a lot.
- Wow, traveling's really cool.
- It's America's loss.
I'm Dr.
Jeremy Reed, and you are gorgeous.
I'm a doctor too, so Well, it's nice meeting you both.
- Doctors.
- Great.
As a courtesy, Danny, I should let you know that I'm interested in Alex, so maybe back off.
So because you're interested, it means I can't be interested? No, you can be interested.
Just don't want you to waste your time.
Okay, we'll see.
We will see.
- Did that hurt? - No.
- Ugh.
- Did that hurt? No.
I think it's time for the presents! Gwen, get it started.
Oh, a book.
Microwave cooking for one.
Ohh.
That's perfect for you.
You have no idea how to cook, and you're single.
That's a great gift, Gwen.
What? What's that look? Oh, man, I wish I had a microwave.
Now we have parker the intern.
Ooh-ooh.
Smoke alarm.
A life-size body pillow of a shirtless Chris Evans.
I silk-screened it myself 'cause you're always saying, "oh, I don't ever have any boyfriends, so nobody can ever cuddle me at night.
" So I made this guy for you.
I'm not always saying that.
Yeah, you say it, like, once or twice a day for sure.
Wow, very thoughtful.
I think that was the last gift.
So thank you, guys, this was really cool.
No, no, wait! Hold on, Mindy.
There's one more surprise tonight.
Because we all care about you so much, we decided to chip in and get you one last present.
- Ooh.
- So Come on, an elliptical machine? You keep saying that you never have time to go to the gym, so now the gym can come to you.
No more excuses, missy! I think I'm going to call it a night.
Mindy, no, you can't leave.
Everybody came here for you.
Yeah, but I didn't want them to.
Oh, boy.
You have something to say, Danny? It's just that I always tell you that birthday celebrations are the worst.
Well, I guess you were right.
Congratulations.
I don't want to be right.
I hate that I'm right.
You do? You hate it? There's not, like, some tiny little part of you that feels, like, really vindicated about all this? A tiny bit vindicated.
Mindy, Mindy.
What are you doing? Stop! You're getting me with the zipper! Mindy, everyone here is having fun.
Well, then I apologize, because my idea of fun is not receiving a ton of gifts that remind you how lame you are.
This hurts, guys.
It's a sad day for me when the most thoughtful present that I received was a swatch watch from Mike accident.
So thank you, Mike.
The rest of you, see you guys later.
Have a great life.
Whoa, whoa, Dr.
"L"! Ow! Who put that gong there? I love chain restaurants.
The booths are deep.
The menus are comprehensive.
Did you know that this restaurant has its own framed bill of rights? I have the right to life, liberty, and chicken wings.
The women's room says "foxes.
" The men's room says "hounds.
" What? It's so creative.
This place is amazing.
I feel at home.
Wow, don't let me forget to have you fill out a comment card.
That's hilarious.
Thanks.
You look like Thor.
Okay, so what can I get you? Well, I thought I would order myself a birthday sundae, which I am happy to pay for.
Actually, if it's your birthday, the sundae's on the house.
What? Okay, well, if that's the company policy, who am I to stand in the way of a free sundae? Thanks, man.
Yes.
You had to have her party at a Chinese restaurant, didn't you, Gwen? You know that Mindy doesn't trust anywhere where you have to ask for a fork.
Okay, Mindy's not answering her home, work, or her cell.
And I'm still waiting for confirmation from that fax I sent.
Mrs.
Chen, anytime.
B-i-r-t-h-d-a-y, let's go.
It is your birthday You're one year older Here with your friends whoa, stop.
Where are your friends? Should we come back? Is that really a lyric in the song? "Where are your friends"? Ugh, get outta here.
And one strawberry cheesecake daiquiri.
Hey, it's my birthday too.
That's so random.
Are you here by yourself? No, I'm gonna be joined by my cool friends.
Well, in the meantime do you wanna come sit with us? To what end? For fun? This isn't, like, a mean prank? No.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Yeah, we're right over here.
Thor, transfer my check to that table, please.
I think I'm gonna go look for her.
No, Alex, don't worry.
I'm sure she's fine.
I wish I could share your cavalier attitude, Danny.
Mindy's my friend, damn it.
Everyone, I have an idea.
Mindy once mentioned this charming creperie she frequents when she's feeling blue.
She's always confiding in me.
I guess it's one of the curses of being a good listener.
Well, I guess we might as well check? I'm so glad you're here, Jeremy.
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
You know what, guys.
Maybe I should come too, 'cause I know Mindy.
But more than that, I know this city.
I breathe this city.
So how do you guys know each other? Oh, we were in the same sorority at Rutgers.
Whama! Bama! Delta gamma! And get this, they pitched in and bought me a friends trip for my birthday.
We're gonna go see Taylor Swift in Virginia beach.
This is, like, the best group of friends ever.
You're supportive of each other.
You wear cool sashes so people know what's up.
I mean, you look like a sexy mayor.
You must have cool friends.
You're an awesome doctor who has three clothes closets.
Five if you count work.
And all by the age of, what, are you, like, 28? Mm-hmm, I'm 28.
No, my friends, they just use me for free birth control, and they criticize me for being chubby.
- You, chubby? - No! Maybe I am chubby if my own friends call me chubby.
No.
That is inaccurate and also offensive, and irresponsible, and anti-woman.
- That's crazy.
- Yeah, you're gorgeous.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
So, Alex, I grew up in the tri-state area.
Did you grow up in any particular cluster of states? Oh, Danny.
Good evening.
May I help you? You gotta be kidding me.
This is her.
She looks different when she's awake.
- No.
- C'est dommage.
Tu parle francais? - Et toi aussi? - Oui.
I'll tell you right now, Mindy's never come here.
She likes a thick bread.
And all I wanted to do was increase by breast size.
And for the record I was going to go from A's to tasteful C's, and my friends wouldn't let me.
- It's your body.
- Thank you, Megyn.
It's Bryan, guys.
Mmm, Bryan with a "y" or an "i"? - "Y".
- The hot kind.
Ooh, he's slammed at work and can't make it.
Tash, stockbrokers, they work all the time on Saturday nights.
Their hours are crazy.
I bet he'll take you out tomorrow.
Yeah.
Whoa, he's a stockbroker who's "working" on a Saturday night? He's slammed.
He texted.
Where is he texting you from on a Saturday night, hooker island? Where he's engaging in some leisure activities? What? We have to face the facts here.
Bryan kinda sounds like a grade "a" sketchball.
Ah, take it back.
Excuse me? Sorry, I said it.
Someone had to say it.
You're wrong, and you're not my friend.
Okay, well, neither are these three.
What? Shut up, weird alone lady! You did not - Okay, that's enough, sugar.
- Oh, my God! You get your bony asses out of here! Oh, my God.
Thank you so much for saving me from those psycho Beverly? You work here? Well, look what the cat puked up.
Ah, money's tight, so I been moonlighting as a busboy no big whoop.
So you were saying they bought you a eucalyptical machine? Eulyptical machine.
It's basically like a weight loss exercise machine.
Whatever.
Kind of a lecture in the form of a gift, if you ask me.
Oh, don't listen to them.
You're fine just the way you are.
Built real sturdy for sex.
Thank you.
I never fall off the bed.
Ugh.
I'm dreading seeing them again though at work.
Oh, who gives a crap what those other schmendricks think? Look, I didn't never really like you all that much.
Okay.
But you're smart, you're tough, and you got class and sophistication coming out of your stinker, kitten.
Thank you, Beverly.
Hey, my shift's over.
Wanna go get a drink? Okay.
Maybe Mindy finally got a policeman to let her ride his horse.
Is there a Liam Neeson revenge movie out? If so, she's there.
So I say, "it's my money.
I'll put whatever I want in the calzone.
" He's like, "get out.
" And they called the cops.
Yo, you're not even listening to this story.
It's crazy.
I'm listening.
What, do you like this girl? - No.
- Yeah, you do.
You're gonna let Dr.
Reed take her? Are you kidding me? I mean, look at the guy.
This is what he does.
I can't compete.
So this is just like me and cousin Lou and grandma right here.
Okay, cousin Lou has always been the apple of grandma's eye because he's got that great hair and that awesome handshake.
So I'm the one that has to, you know, carry her up the stairs and moisturize her knees.
But it works out.
'Cause guess who lives with grandma.
- You do.
- Yeah.
That's your grandma.
Go get your grandma.
Go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Hey.
Hey.
- Are you warm enough tonight? - I am.
Thank you.
She's fine.
She's fine.
So do you ski in whistler? I don't ski.
It's a great location.
I know a great pizza place around here.
New York pizza's the best.
Yeah, I don't know where the best pizza is anymore.
- Aah! - Oh, my God! Danny, are you okay? Danny, are you okay? Oh, my God! I wonder why they call this a 40.
'Cause it's 40 ounces of malt liquor, dummy.
That is pretty dumb.
Beverly, hanging out with you kinda makes you forget that I just ditched at my birthday party.
And they all came for you? Wow.
I have a hard time holding onto any friends, on account of my personality stinks.
No, your personality doesn't stink.
Oh, yeah, I took an iVillage quiz.
- You can't argue with that.
- All right.
Oh, well, doc, I better head back to the car, catch some sleep.
Whoa, wait, you sleep in your car? I sleep in a car.
I told you, I'm broke.
Oh, God.
Okay, sit down.
Sit down.
The car's not going anywhere.
Beverly, let me ask you something.
How would you feel about being promoted? Really? Are you offering me my old nursing gig? Oh, no, hell no.
No, you were a terrible nurse.
You should have your license revoked.
But we've been pretty busy.
We could use some help.
How about executive secretary? Maybe you could burp less.
Well, it beats bussing tables.
Gonna miss the boys in the kitchen though.
But not the knife fights.
Well, congratulations.
I'm gonna call the guys, let them know.
Hey, guys! I gotta I gotta turn it on first.
Oh, my God.
Careful, everyone.
A child fell down a manhole, but he's gonna be okay.
Not a child.
Full-grown man.
No, don't clap.
Don't clap, okay? Aren't you supposed to say there's nothing to see here? There's nothing to see here.
I don't know, this is really something to see.
Danny, we'll be right behind.
I'm great, Alex.
That a boy, Danny.
Be brave.
This is really a joint effort between the fire department, the police department, and myself.
We all really banded together to save the life of Dr.
Daniel Castellano.
No, don't say my name on TV! Of staten island.
Single guy, ladies.
Morgan! Oh, my God, Danny! I can't believe Move, move.
Danny, I can't believe that you would sacrifice the use of your legs to come and find me on my birthday.
That is the most amazing thing I have ever heard, and everything mean that you have ever said to me, I forgive you, my sweet, sweet friend.
I don't care that you're paralyzed.
I will come, and I will read books to you.
Okay.
And, Danny, if they tell you that you can't have children because your penis doesn't work anymore, if we'll get you, like, a sex surrogate or something, they can bring your loins back to life.
- Mind, I - I really care about you.
Okay, I fractured my ankle, Mindy.
So I'm fine.
Wait, what? He's totally fine.
So your Your penis works? I hope so.
Huh, kind of a misleading text, I would say.
Well, what I believe I texted is "I am paralyzed with fear for what happened.
" And the penis thing, I was just guessing.
I was panicked.
Hey, gang, this is nice.
Beverly, what are you doing here? Ow, she pinched me.
Don't be theatrical, Betsy.
Guys, I ran into Beverly tonight, and she kinda saved me in a tough situation.
She said some things that made me feel better about myself, and I think we're going to be friends now.
Dr.
L, you wanna feel good about yourself? Let me tell you three things.
One is professional.
- Okay.
- One is emotional.
- That's all right.
- One is physical.
No, I don't wanna hear it.
Morgan, please just keep it to yourself.
Never tell me.
I beg of you.
Mindy.
- Finally.
- Hi.
We want to apologize for getting you presents that make you seem like a fat loser.
Which you are obviously not.
For the record, I have nothing to be sorry for.
You were the one who was acting like a spoiled princess.
- Maggie! - Come on! It's true.
Happy Birthday.
Okay, okay, all right, she's not incorrect.
I acted like a child, and I shouldn't have run out, and the presents weren't bad.
I just, I think those are the kind of gifts - that I should probably get myself.
- Yes.
Who's up for some late night eats? Ooh, yes.
Parker, thanks.
Can I maybe join you guys? Oh, no thank you.
All right, gave it a shot.
Enjoy.
Mindy, your party's not over yet, and we got you something you'd actually like.
Fish filet, extra, extra tartar sauce.
Oh, my God, thank you.
You guys think this is so disgusting.
- No.
- I love it.
Who eats fish filet? Hey, Mindy.
Oh.
Hey, Brendan.
What are you doing here? Morgan's been live tweeting, so That is the midwife guy who used her for her bod.
Are you serious? Did you use our friend for her bod? I'd say it was a misunderstanding Oh, boo! Guys, guys, stop, stop.
Don't keep wasting food.
Open your mouth.
Okay, that was awesome.
He deserved that.
Nice to meet you.
Why are you here? All of my coworkers hate you, and you were very clear about me not being your girlfriend.
Look, I know sometimes I can come across a little overly self-assured.
Eh, arrogant, pretentious.
Okay.
And pedantic.
All right, okay, you're right, okay? Duncan thinks it has something to do with our childhood acting career.
What? I was the kid who stole a pack of gum in the first commercial with McGruff the crime dog.
Are you kidding me? You didn't recognize me? You were trembling on the way to the door, 'cause you couldn't take the pressure of stealing it.
Can I tell you, I wasn't supposed to be trembling.
I was a very anxious kid.
I used to pass out a lot on camera.
And so I've learned to overcompensate with false confidence.
Anyway, it's not important.
The point is I treated you in a way that was not nice.
Terribly, awfully.
I cried every night.
I'm sorry, okay? I got you this.
Thank you.
What is this, some donation in my name so that Guantanamo inmates can have soccer balls or something? No, although the limits on those guys' leisure time is a shock to the conscience.
Ugh.
"Dear constellation recipient, "this cluster of stars in the virgo stream galaxy will henceforth be known as capriterius.
" That's the constellation I made up.
Now it's real.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
Well Thank you.
You're welcome.
Happy Birthday.
Yes.
I ate the rest of your food.
That's fine.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
Or do we have to kill someone? No, we're cool.
Uh, my birthday gift to you is one of my world-famous full-body massages.
Here's a preview.
Let me just - I'm okay.
- Whoa.
Well, you got a big knot.
I can actually hear it.
- I don't know if it's a knot.
- Hey, I'm done.
As a doctor, you get priority.
That's pretty cool, right? I've come to pray for baby Daniel.
The news said he fell in a manhole.
So your friend Jeremy asked me out.
That's terrific.
Turned him down.
I want a guy who works for it, someone who would fall down a manhole to impress a girl.
That obvious, huh? Mm-hmm.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Happy Birthday.
Oh, scared me.
What is this? Grain alcohol.
Happy Birthday, Dr.
Lahiri.
You want some cake, stud? Oh, come on, baby, you put my love on top Top, top, top On the top You put my love on top Oh ohh, come on, baby, you put my love