The Mindy Project s01e22 Episode Script
Triathlon
Hey, Danny.
Could you please say something? People are gawking.
Hello.
My name is Mindy.
Well, I am geeking out.
We've heard so little about you.
So little.
I imagined you very differently Sort of like long, brown hair.
Your boobs are smaller.
I pictured them bigger.
But yours are better.
- Danny used to call them his plums.
- Okay.
Uh, okay, that's enough.
Christina, what are you doing here? What do you think? I got your letter.
Letter? Come in my office.
The lyricism in this letter When you said we should still be together, it was like a whole new Danny.
I never sent that.
Mail fraud is a federal offense.
Okay.
That's the old Danny.
What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Syria, taking a photo of a tank running over a kid's snoopy doll or what have you? Oh, you really didn't send this? Okay, look, I wrote this letter years ago, okay? I was all pumped up from the Chinese drums at the Beijing Olympics.
But I don't feel that way anymore about you.
Danny, deny it all you want, but sooner or later you're coming back here.
And that's not even your favorite one.
Oh, boy.
You guys got a sec? Because someone went in my office and thought it was his or her right to stir up a hornet's nest with his or her Mindy stick.
Oh! I didn't send the letter.
Oh, you didn't? I mean, it's definitely something that I would've done had I known it existed, but I didn't send it.
You didn't.
'Cause you've done a lot of stupid things.
It was me.
I mailed the letter.
What? Why? Because he loved her, and she needed to know that, and it was wrong of me to do it.
Thank you, Morgan, for having the guts to admit you did it.
You're fired.
What? No.
I did something unthinkable.
He did.
Gotta pay the ultimate price.
One week suspension with pay.
Get your stuff and get out.
Danny, be rational.
This is acceptable? I mean, this Are you guys Am I wrong? Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Uh, yeah, this is happening, so I'm gonna Bye, everyone.
Who knew about the dog? Casey, I just can't do this.
- Come on.
- Please! You got this.
Help me.
Help me, please.
Okay, that counted as one.
Yeah.
Do you know what would be really motivational? What's that? Is if you were to dangle pancakes from like a fishing pole in front of me.
When I did them, I could reach for them.
What if every time you came up, I gave you a kiss? What if you put some pancake batter on your nose, and then when I came up, I could be like okay.
Get outta here.
Casey, I have to quit.
I'm gonna die.
I like this workout thing.
You know what I mean? You honor your body, you're also honoring God at the same time.
God's the least of my worries.
I don't know why I volunteered to take Morgan's place in this triathlon.
Danny has been such a workout Nazi.
Why does everybody always say "Nazi" when they're trying to describe someone who's just passionately pursuing a goal? Hey, I care about you Yeah.
And I think you defend Nazis too much.
Look, I'm just saying I am very impressed about how committed you are to the triathlon.
Mm-hmm.
Which reminds me.
I was gonna, uh I was gonna ask you a question.
Okay, this sounds important.
I'll put away my sangria.
If I were to ever settle down with a woman, I always imagined they'd be Thinner, whiter, younger? Casey, I can change all of those things.
No, don't.
I just thought she would be Christian.
You know, like me.
And I didn't want us to waste our time.
I'm just saying that if we did get married Whoa.
I want that to be forever.
I mean, don't you wanna spend eternity in heaven together, just strumming harps and playing doubles tennis with Abe Lincoln and Tupac? This is a lot to think about.
Yeah.
I think we should take a break from working out to really think about these theological issues.
We're we're done with this? Okay.
Morgan's replacement's really starting to get on my nerves.
Figuring out the copay Tamara Please take Mrs.
Grier's vitals.
I'm taking the vitals of Mrs.
Grier Or Dr.
Reed gon' get mad It's catchy, but it's very distracting.
It is catchy.
Another good-smelling letter for you, Dr.
C.
Thanks, bets.
Danny, Christina has been sending you letters every day for two weeks, and you always rip them up.
Aren't you a little bit curious? What if there's birthday money in there? I don't care.
Gonna work out.
Mindy, Jeremy, get your sweats on.
Let's go.
Yeah, about that, I can't.
I'm meeting Maggie for lunch.
Hey.
No more fattening lunches! Ow! You need to take getting shape seriously, guys.
You hurt my breast very badly.
Well, I thought you'd catch it.
It's okay.
I have a padded bra on.
Danny, you need to relax.
It's just a dumb triathlon.
How can you say that, guys? Those midwives beat us every stinkin' year, I don't They just walk around.
They laugh at us, they act like they don't care.
I can't work out again.
I was doing a million sit-ups this morning with Casey Until he stopped and he asked me if I would convert to Christianity, guys.
Do you think I should convert to Christianity? No.
Normally, I'd be all for you converting to the good guys.
Our religion needs more people from the emerging world.
I'm from suburban Boston.
Tamra's break time Get me a rice cake and a apple, ooh Please let's rehire Morgan.
Okay, I was doing the math.
If I swim like I swim and Jeremy bikes likes he bikes, you only have to average a 12-minute mile on the run.
- Okay? - Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem.
What are you doing? I'm stretching.
You're dancing.
No, I'm getting blood flow through my arms.
Okay.
Like you are.
No, that's not what I'm doing at all.
is not gonna be a problem.
I've been using fear fantasies to get me to run faster.
For instance, I'll pretend I'm a slice of pizza and a fat man is chasing me.
And I'm like, "whoa, get away!" Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Morgan's a Deslaurier.
Okay, this is not what it looks like.
Yes, I'm doing the triathlon with the Deslauriers, but it's only because I'm working for them now.
Okay, that is worse than what it seems.
It's way worse.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I realize it now.
Morgan, what the hell? I defended you At great personal cost, by the way, and now you betrayed us with our enemies? Enemy? That's not it's not Mindy We do the triathlon because it is fun and healthful.
This is not a competition.
We don't use words like "stopwatch" and "winner.
" I never use those words.
She never uses those words.
Listen, stop.
You guys fired me, okay? Brendan and Duncan They took me in, they gave me a tea that promotes digestive health Amazing.
Everything is smooth now.
And they gave me new pants.
What happened to the pants I got you? Those pants were ill-fitting and they had pleats.
How dare you? - Stop, stop! - No, wait, wait, wait, wait Stop, relax.
Don't do it.
Congratulations, Morgan.
You're dead to us.
You are dead.
Don't say that.
Huh? I can't hear you over the sound of your own betrayal.
Loyalty, buddy.
Ah, there you are.
Betsy, I need your advice.
Casey wants me to convert to Christianity.
Yes, I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for this moment.
I don't know if I like that.
Uh-uh.
Stop giving him that sweet thing he likes.
See how fast he converts back to you.
Okay, I love giving the sweet thing though.
I don't think I can do that.
I do a Bible study on Saturday mornings at my apartment.
Why don't you just come over and see if Christianity's for you? Okay, if I go to your apartment, I think I'm just gonna start feeling guilty about how little we pay you.
Yeah.
So we should just do it at my place.
Bible study At Dr.
L's apartment? I've changed my tune for any number of guys.
I've been Jewish, super Jewish, Buddhist, people's temple, heaven's gate, people's temple again, normal.
Sir? You're not using enough cheese on that pizza, sir.
Hey! I'm watching you.
Hi, Mindy.
Oh.
Hello Danny's ex-wife.
What are you doing here? Just getting some pizza.
This is my favorite pizza truck.
This pizza truck? Yeah, I come here all the time.
Guess what, you're busted.
I eat here every day.
I have never seen you once.
Besides, you don't have the physique of someone who eats pizza on the reg.
Okay, I followed you here.
You did? I know you spend a lot of time with Danny.
Yeah, we're friends.
With benefits? Well, there are certain benefits.
He's really good at calculating tips.
And, uh, we have the same size shoe.
Although, he will not admit that.
Look, I need your help.
Danny won't answer any of my letters.
Yeah, I know.
He's been throwing them away.
I've actually been in a similar situation.
I used to write Christian Slater letters until his publicist wrote to me and said that, "Mr.
Slater is no longer accepting hair.
" So maybe if you give this to him he would look at it.
I don't think I can get involved.
Oh, please.
I swear I'm not crazy.
I just need your help.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Is this woman bothering you? What? Am I bothering her? Oh, because she's so pretty and bird-like.
And I'm a monster who's Ordering four slices of pizza.
No.
No, in fact, she was asking me for the favor.
It's okay, I'm fine.
Thanks, guys.
Is she making you say that? How am I making her say that, with my mind? Get outta here.
Go build that building.
Okay.
We'll be over there, just in case.
Thanks.
The letter? Please? Okay, yeah, I'll take it.
I'll take it.
Okay.
I can't make any promises though.
Baby, baby Come in! Hi, Dr.
L! Hey! This is Terrence.
Hello.
Welcome.
Peaceful greetings to you.
You have a good soul.
Oh, thank you.
That's very nice.
- Okay.
- All right.
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
- Sir.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Stop for a minute Um, that man hugged me for a long time.
You can't have wine here.
It'll set Roscoe off like a bottle rocket.
There is a man named Roscoe in my apartment? Yeah.
Take this.
Hide this.
Greetings, Dr.
L.
What are you two doing here? Bible learnin'.
Okay, this is clearly a scam.
You guys heard about my Bible study and used it as an excuse to see my apartment.
That's not true.
Can I use your shower? Absolutely not.
Sit down.
I would kick you out, but it's Bible study and that would look weird.
Look at this! Ah! You got really nice walls.
- Quiet.
- Thank you.
Have a seat.
I am terrified for my life.
Oh.
It's like sons of anarchy in here, okay, and none of the young, hot characters.
Just, like, the old ones.
Okay, here they come.
Suck it, tookers.
I pronounce it "teau-kays" now.
When I first moved here, I was so scared.
I barely left my apartment.
It was just me, the roaches, the sound of grinding lamb from the Greek butcher downstairs.
It got so lonely that I finally did something I hadn't done in a while.
All right! - I prayed.
- Oh.
I asked the lord for strength, and you know what? He gave it to me.
I walked down the street, and I had my first real New York City bagel that day.
Didn't care for it.
Too chewy.
Betsy! Oh, chewy.
Okay.
Never mind, I'm sorry.
But there was a newspaper in that bakery.
And in that newspaper, I found this.
"Adventurous couple seeks BBW for sex" No, no, no.
The other side.
"Receptionist wanted for ob-gyn practice.
" I realized the lord gave me the key to doing what I was supposed to do.
And that's why I'm a Christian, Dr.
L.
, and a receptionist.
Huh, huh.
You like that? Huh-huh-huh.
Danny, this is not a competition.
This is a friendly triathlon for charity.
We won the moment we signed up.
Okay, look.
Deslaurier, enough with the cool guy act, okay? You stole our best runner, you sleep with our doctors, you wear this Soviet cheaty swim Hey! My Uncle Woody wrote a scathing editorial against gulags.
- Yeah? Well yes.
- Go! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Oh, you broke my pelvis! No kidding? Are you okay? Help me up, help me up.
Danny, are you oh! Ow! Get off me! Danny, it's just a race.
This is what defeat smells like.
Smell it, smell it! Ah! No! - Dr.
L.
? - Mm-hmm.
I got this for you hoping that the Bible study would go well.
You didn't have to get me a present.
- You make like no money.
- I know.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that I considered converting to Christianity without thinking of the whole jewelry angle.
This is amazing.
Hey, Danny.
Where the hell are you? Jeremy just started his leg of the race and you're next.
You'll be happy to know that I just received a really cool cross necklace from Betsy that is totally going to accentuate my rack.
Why would that make me happy? Just get over here now! Yeah, okay.
Betsy, this is hot.
This is actually like lady-gaga-ish.
Yeah, my grandma gave me mine.
She wore it every day of her life.
And even though she had sort of a bad life, it made her really happy.
Right? - Hey, Casey.
- Hey! Do you have a second that I could talto you? I have a question about, um, Christianity.
You don't have to whisper "Christianity" in a church class.
In fact, actually, I think they could learn something from you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Guys, this is Mindy.
Hi.
She's thinking of converting to Christianity.
So what's on your mind? I care about you, but there is no way in hell that I can be a Christian.
Okay, let's go somewhere private and talk about that.
Pastor Casey.
You said this is a place where we can talk freely about God.
Chill, because that was about first communion, and this my girlfriend, so that's different.
Ooh.
Casey, I thought it would be so easy to convert.
But it's not.
And I have every reason to love Christianity.
It is very interesting.
And there are parts of the old testament - Cool.
- That are pretty sexy and violent.
Right? But I can't do it, even though I am super into you.
Ooh.
Okay, all right.
Guys, grow up.
Something happened when I tried to put on that crucifix.
It just it felt wrong.
What religion are you? I'm a Hindu.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool, actually.
There's elephants Very cool.
There's kick-ass costumes and outfits And basically, like, magic.
I wanna be Hindu! Everyone just go work on your workbooks for a second.
Do the maze.
Great to see you.
But do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get these kids interested in Christianity? I had to tell 'em the apostles were the original one direction, and they barely bought it.
Okay, well, I don't think it was very cool of you to ask me to convert.
I should I should get back to my class.
- Okay? - Okay.
Great, pastor Casey.
Get back to your class.
I'm in pastor mode.
Yeah.
And kick me out of this place of welcoming.
- Mindy.
- Hopefully they'll have more of a Christian attitude at the triathlon.
Danny, you were right.
There is an animal in me, okay? But I've meditated, and he's back in his cage.
Okay, fine.
What's wrong with your leg? Nothing, it's just It's just Charley horse.
It's not a big deal.
Looks a lot worse than a Charley horse.
Okay, why don't you lay down and let me stretch you? Okay, stop telling me what to do.
Let's make it quick.
Oh, boy.
Now, just breathe for me, okay? It's tight.
Breathe.
- Oh, my gosh.
- What? There's physical pain and there emotional pain.
What you're dealing with here is clearly emotional pain.
Morgan told me about your ex-wife and the letter.
He told you about my ex You need to speak with her And you need to resolve this, otherwise the pain will continue and grow until it consumes you.
Ow! Oh.
You're good.
Close your eyes.
Danny, listen to me.
Yep.
Sometimes, good people do bad things, okay? Do you understand? Yeah.
Take Mindy and me for an example.
We hit some rocky terrain, but I'm gonna speak with her and I'm gonna clear it right up.
And I suggest you do the same with your ex.
- Ow! - What? What? No, no, don't stop! I'm close.
Don't stop.
Okay, okay.
All right, okay.
Oh, there There it is.
That's the spot.
That's the spot.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here! Danny, Brendan You know that people can see you here, right? You're already here? That's like a 9-minute mile.
You're gonna kick Morgan's ass.
Are you serious? Yeah! I've never run that fast.
Nice.
- Oh! - Oh! Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm fine.
That's disgusting.
I overexerted myself, but I'm gonna be able to do this.
- Okay.
- No problem.
Success pukes.
Yes.
You can run.
I'm ready to rock 'n' roll this.
Oh, you just puked on me.
Ugh! Okay.
I can't do this.
I think that we're winners just for having signed up for this race.
No, no, no, no.
Enough of that crap.
That's not what we're talking about here.
Okay, you know what? Screw that, okay? I'm running this race.
Danny, you're wearing underwear and you don't even have any sneakers on.
Yes, I do have sneakers right here.
Oh, my God.
We're the same size.
He has really small feet.
Hey, hey.
Look, let's have a good race.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, no! Ah, what are you doing? See you at the finish line, buddy.
Hey.
Hey.
Casey, what are you doing here? You put on quite the show when you showed up today.
I mean, I've got nine ten-year-old Hindus and 17 angry parents to deal with, two of which are menopausal moms.
And then I got three gay dads, which is another story.
Well, you put me on the spot.
You were like, "hey, kids, come check out "what this exotic, sexy Indian woman I'm dating, what she thinks about your religion.
" - Yep.
- So Um, Brendan, this is Casey, my boyfriend.
Hey.
Casey.
How you doing? But we actually might be about to break up.
So if you could just wait a couple minutes, I should have some clarity.
You want me to walk somewhere else.
Just over Like, hang out over there.
Then I should Yes.
- I'll check back in with you.
- If that's cool with you.
I'm here to tell you I do not want you to convert.
Don't do it.
Is it because I smell like barf because I barfed? Look, I'm trying to say we're good, and I realize that it's not fair of me to ask you to convert.
I just needed to know that you took religion seriously.
And when you showed up and ruined my Sunday school class today, I realized that you do.
You could be with like an agnostic Hindu-y person? I want you.
- Casey.
- Come here.
That's very Jesus-y of you.
Come here.
Come here.
Let's not kiss though, because you do have a little bit of puke.
If you care about me, you'll kiss me even though I taste like puke.
Go, Morgan! You got it, Morgan! Yeah! Number one! Come on, Danny.
Yeah! Morgan, what are you doing? That's okay.
That's all right.
No! Morgan, don't go back! Keep coming! Come here.
Come here.
Morgan, no, no, no, no! What are you doing? This is when I carried you.
You're almost here! Put me down.
They're taking pictures.
Put me down! Try to smile.
All right! Come on! I love you! Morgan, you lost.
Danny? Danny? What the hell were you thinking? - I'm sorry.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can all go to hell! Hey, come on, dude.
Oh, my God! You're all right, Deslaurier.
- Get him outta here, Duncan.
- Lock him down.
Get off me! You shouldn't have mailed that letter.
I know.
Because I should've mailed it Years ago.
I know I don't believe in second chances, but I know.
I love you too.
That's not what I was gonna say.
No, well, you might not have said it with Your lips, but you were saying it with these guys.
- Okay.
- Right here.
- Okay, come on.
Stop it.
- I'm sorry.
Don't make me regret what I'm about to ask you.
I wanna hire you back.
You're a great nurse.
Come back to work with us, all right? - I can't.
- I just I got a job What? I got a job with these guys.
I've said yes.
They got me a new desk.
And it's just like It's nice not having the pressure of being the best looking guy in the office.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Morgan Morgan.
I love you.
Wait a minute.
Sorry.
Morgan! Hey.
Hey.
I forgot to give this to you.
It's from Christina.
I opened it.
But just to make sure that there wasn't any Anthrax in it or it was like a photo of her doing some other guy.
Hey! Are you smiling? - I'm just mad.
- Why? I'm mad that I'm not mad anymore.
Hey.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm always okay.
Hey, uh, you wanna come to dinner with us? Uh, no, I'm good.
I'm good, pastor.
You guys have a good time.
Go have fun with your boyfriend.
Okay.
See you, buddy.
See ya.
J.
F.
K.
Danny? You wanna get a cup of coffee with me? Yeah.
Yeah, I was just getting out of a cab.
Great.
Why don't I give you a call later?
Could you please say something? People are gawking.
Hello.
My name is Mindy.
Well, I am geeking out.
We've heard so little about you.
So little.
I imagined you very differently Sort of like long, brown hair.
Your boobs are smaller.
I pictured them bigger.
But yours are better.
- Danny used to call them his plums.
- Okay.
Uh, okay, that's enough.
Christina, what are you doing here? What do you think? I got your letter.
Letter? Come in my office.
The lyricism in this letter When you said we should still be together, it was like a whole new Danny.
I never sent that.
Mail fraud is a federal offense.
Okay.
That's the old Danny.
What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Syria, taking a photo of a tank running over a kid's snoopy doll or what have you? Oh, you really didn't send this? Okay, look, I wrote this letter years ago, okay? I was all pumped up from the Chinese drums at the Beijing Olympics.
But I don't feel that way anymore about you.
Danny, deny it all you want, but sooner or later you're coming back here.
And that's not even your favorite one.
Oh, boy.
You guys got a sec? Because someone went in my office and thought it was his or her right to stir up a hornet's nest with his or her Mindy stick.
Oh! I didn't send the letter.
Oh, you didn't? I mean, it's definitely something that I would've done had I known it existed, but I didn't send it.
You didn't.
'Cause you've done a lot of stupid things.
It was me.
I mailed the letter.
What? Why? Because he loved her, and she needed to know that, and it was wrong of me to do it.
Thank you, Morgan, for having the guts to admit you did it.
You're fired.
What? No.
I did something unthinkable.
He did.
Gotta pay the ultimate price.
One week suspension with pay.
Get your stuff and get out.
Danny, be rational.
This is acceptable? I mean, this Are you guys Am I wrong? Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Uh, yeah, this is happening, so I'm gonna Bye, everyone.
Who knew about the dog? Casey, I just can't do this.
- Come on.
- Please! You got this.
Help me.
Help me, please.
Okay, that counted as one.
Yeah.
Do you know what would be really motivational? What's that? Is if you were to dangle pancakes from like a fishing pole in front of me.
When I did them, I could reach for them.
What if every time you came up, I gave you a kiss? What if you put some pancake batter on your nose, and then when I came up, I could be like okay.
Get outta here.
Casey, I have to quit.
I'm gonna die.
I like this workout thing.
You know what I mean? You honor your body, you're also honoring God at the same time.
God's the least of my worries.
I don't know why I volunteered to take Morgan's place in this triathlon.
Danny has been such a workout Nazi.
Why does everybody always say "Nazi" when they're trying to describe someone who's just passionately pursuing a goal? Hey, I care about you Yeah.
And I think you defend Nazis too much.
Look, I'm just saying I am very impressed about how committed you are to the triathlon.
Mm-hmm.
Which reminds me.
I was gonna, uh I was gonna ask you a question.
Okay, this sounds important.
I'll put away my sangria.
If I were to ever settle down with a woman, I always imagined they'd be Thinner, whiter, younger? Casey, I can change all of those things.
No, don't.
I just thought she would be Christian.
You know, like me.
And I didn't want us to waste our time.
I'm just saying that if we did get married Whoa.
I want that to be forever.
I mean, don't you wanna spend eternity in heaven together, just strumming harps and playing doubles tennis with Abe Lincoln and Tupac? This is a lot to think about.
Yeah.
I think we should take a break from working out to really think about these theological issues.
We're we're done with this? Okay.
Morgan's replacement's really starting to get on my nerves.
Figuring out the copay Tamara Please take Mrs.
Grier's vitals.
I'm taking the vitals of Mrs.
Grier Or Dr.
Reed gon' get mad It's catchy, but it's very distracting.
It is catchy.
Another good-smelling letter for you, Dr.
C.
Thanks, bets.
Danny, Christina has been sending you letters every day for two weeks, and you always rip them up.
Aren't you a little bit curious? What if there's birthday money in there? I don't care.
Gonna work out.
Mindy, Jeremy, get your sweats on.
Let's go.
Yeah, about that, I can't.
I'm meeting Maggie for lunch.
Hey.
No more fattening lunches! Ow! You need to take getting shape seriously, guys.
You hurt my breast very badly.
Well, I thought you'd catch it.
It's okay.
I have a padded bra on.
Danny, you need to relax.
It's just a dumb triathlon.
How can you say that, guys? Those midwives beat us every stinkin' year, I don't They just walk around.
They laugh at us, they act like they don't care.
I can't work out again.
I was doing a million sit-ups this morning with Casey Until he stopped and he asked me if I would convert to Christianity, guys.
Do you think I should convert to Christianity? No.
Normally, I'd be all for you converting to the good guys.
Our religion needs more people from the emerging world.
I'm from suburban Boston.
Tamra's break time Get me a rice cake and a apple, ooh Please let's rehire Morgan.
Okay, I was doing the math.
If I swim like I swim and Jeremy bikes likes he bikes, you only have to average a 12-minute mile on the run.
- Okay? - Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem.
What are you doing? I'm stretching.
You're dancing.
No, I'm getting blood flow through my arms.
Okay.
Like you are.
No, that's not what I'm doing at all.
is not gonna be a problem.
I've been using fear fantasies to get me to run faster.
For instance, I'll pretend I'm a slice of pizza and a fat man is chasing me.
And I'm like, "whoa, get away!" Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Morgan's a Deslaurier.
Okay, this is not what it looks like.
Yes, I'm doing the triathlon with the Deslauriers, but it's only because I'm working for them now.
Okay, that is worse than what it seems.
It's way worse.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I realize it now.
Morgan, what the hell? I defended you At great personal cost, by the way, and now you betrayed us with our enemies? Enemy? That's not it's not Mindy We do the triathlon because it is fun and healthful.
This is not a competition.
We don't use words like "stopwatch" and "winner.
" I never use those words.
She never uses those words.
Listen, stop.
You guys fired me, okay? Brendan and Duncan They took me in, they gave me a tea that promotes digestive health Amazing.
Everything is smooth now.
And they gave me new pants.
What happened to the pants I got you? Those pants were ill-fitting and they had pleats.
How dare you? - Stop, stop! - No, wait, wait, wait, wait Stop, relax.
Don't do it.
Congratulations, Morgan.
You're dead to us.
You are dead.
Don't say that.
Huh? I can't hear you over the sound of your own betrayal.
Loyalty, buddy.
Ah, there you are.
Betsy, I need your advice.
Casey wants me to convert to Christianity.
Yes, I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for this moment.
I don't know if I like that.
Uh-uh.
Stop giving him that sweet thing he likes.
See how fast he converts back to you.
Okay, I love giving the sweet thing though.
I don't think I can do that.
I do a Bible study on Saturday mornings at my apartment.
Why don't you just come over and see if Christianity's for you? Okay, if I go to your apartment, I think I'm just gonna start feeling guilty about how little we pay you.
Yeah.
So we should just do it at my place.
Bible study At Dr.
L's apartment? I've changed my tune for any number of guys.
I've been Jewish, super Jewish, Buddhist, people's temple, heaven's gate, people's temple again, normal.
Sir? You're not using enough cheese on that pizza, sir.
Hey! I'm watching you.
Hi, Mindy.
Oh.
Hello Danny's ex-wife.
What are you doing here? Just getting some pizza.
This is my favorite pizza truck.
This pizza truck? Yeah, I come here all the time.
Guess what, you're busted.
I eat here every day.
I have never seen you once.
Besides, you don't have the physique of someone who eats pizza on the reg.
Okay, I followed you here.
You did? I know you spend a lot of time with Danny.
Yeah, we're friends.
With benefits? Well, there are certain benefits.
He's really good at calculating tips.
And, uh, we have the same size shoe.
Although, he will not admit that.
Look, I need your help.
Danny won't answer any of my letters.
Yeah, I know.
He's been throwing them away.
I've actually been in a similar situation.
I used to write Christian Slater letters until his publicist wrote to me and said that, "Mr.
Slater is no longer accepting hair.
" So maybe if you give this to him he would look at it.
I don't think I can get involved.
Oh, please.
I swear I'm not crazy.
I just need your help.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Is this woman bothering you? What? Am I bothering her? Oh, because she's so pretty and bird-like.
And I'm a monster who's Ordering four slices of pizza.
No.
No, in fact, she was asking me for the favor.
It's okay, I'm fine.
Thanks, guys.
Is she making you say that? How am I making her say that, with my mind? Get outta here.
Go build that building.
Okay.
We'll be over there, just in case.
Thanks.
The letter? Please? Okay, yeah, I'll take it.
I'll take it.
Okay.
I can't make any promises though.
Baby, baby Come in! Hi, Dr.
L! Hey! This is Terrence.
Hello.
Welcome.
Peaceful greetings to you.
You have a good soul.
Oh, thank you.
That's very nice.
- Okay.
- All right.
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
- Sir.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
Stop for a minute Um, that man hugged me for a long time.
You can't have wine here.
It'll set Roscoe off like a bottle rocket.
There is a man named Roscoe in my apartment? Yeah.
Take this.
Hide this.
Greetings, Dr.
L.
What are you two doing here? Bible learnin'.
Okay, this is clearly a scam.
You guys heard about my Bible study and used it as an excuse to see my apartment.
That's not true.
Can I use your shower? Absolutely not.
Sit down.
I would kick you out, but it's Bible study and that would look weird.
Look at this! Ah! You got really nice walls.
- Quiet.
- Thank you.
Have a seat.
I am terrified for my life.
Oh.
It's like sons of anarchy in here, okay, and none of the young, hot characters.
Just, like, the old ones.
Okay, here they come.
Suck it, tookers.
I pronounce it "teau-kays" now.
When I first moved here, I was so scared.
I barely left my apartment.
It was just me, the roaches, the sound of grinding lamb from the Greek butcher downstairs.
It got so lonely that I finally did something I hadn't done in a while.
All right! - I prayed.
- Oh.
I asked the lord for strength, and you know what? He gave it to me.
I walked down the street, and I had my first real New York City bagel that day.
Didn't care for it.
Too chewy.
Betsy! Oh, chewy.
Okay.
Never mind, I'm sorry.
But there was a newspaper in that bakery.
And in that newspaper, I found this.
"Adventurous couple seeks BBW for sex" No, no, no.
The other side.
"Receptionist wanted for ob-gyn practice.
" I realized the lord gave me the key to doing what I was supposed to do.
And that's why I'm a Christian, Dr.
L.
, and a receptionist.
Huh, huh.
You like that? Huh-huh-huh.
Danny, this is not a competition.
This is a friendly triathlon for charity.
We won the moment we signed up.
Okay, look.
Deslaurier, enough with the cool guy act, okay? You stole our best runner, you sleep with our doctors, you wear this Soviet cheaty swim Hey! My Uncle Woody wrote a scathing editorial against gulags.
- Yeah? Well yes.
- Go! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Oh, you broke my pelvis! No kidding? Are you okay? Help me up, help me up.
Danny, are you oh! Ow! Get off me! Danny, it's just a race.
This is what defeat smells like.
Smell it, smell it! Ah! No! - Dr.
L.
? - Mm-hmm.
I got this for you hoping that the Bible study would go well.
You didn't have to get me a present.
- You make like no money.
- I know.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that I considered converting to Christianity without thinking of the whole jewelry angle.
This is amazing.
Hey, Danny.
Where the hell are you? Jeremy just started his leg of the race and you're next.
You'll be happy to know that I just received a really cool cross necklace from Betsy that is totally going to accentuate my rack.
Why would that make me happy? Just get over here now! Yeah, okay.
Betsy, this is hot.
This is actually like lady-gaga-ish.
Yeah, my grandma gave me mine.
She wore it every day of her life.
And even though she had sort of a bad life, it made her really happy.
Right? - Hey, Casey.
- Hey! Do you have a second that I could talto you? I have a question about, um, Christianity.
You don't have to whisper "Christianity" in a church class.
In fact, actually, I think they could learn something from you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Guys, this is Mindy.
Hi.
She's thinking of converting to Christianity.
So what's on your mind? I care about you, but there is no way in hell that I can be a Christian.
Okay, let's go somewhere private and talk about that.
Pastor Casey.
You said this is a place where we can talk freely about God.
Chill, because that was about first communion, and this my girlfriend, so that's different.
Ooh.
Casey, I thought it would be so easy to convert.
But it's not.
And I have every reason to love Christianity.
It is very interesting.
And there are parts of the old testament - Cool.
- That are pretty sexy and violent.
Right? But I can't do it, even though I am super into you.
Ooh.
Okay, all right.
Guys, grow up.
Something happened when I tried to put on that crucifix.
It just it felt wrong.
What religion are you? I'm a Hindu.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool, actually.
There's elephants Very cool.
There's kick-ass costumes and outfits And basically, like, magic.
I wanna be Hindu! Everyone just go work on your workbooks for a second.
Do the maze.
Great to see you.
But do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get these kids interested in Christianity? I had to tell 'em the apostles were the original one direction, and they barely bought it.
Okay, well, I don't think it was very cool of you to ask me to convert.
I should I should get back to my class.
- Okay? - Okay.
Great, pastor Casey.
Get back to your class.
I'm in pastor mode.
Yeah.
And kick me out of this place of welcoming.
- Mindy.
- Hopefully they'll have more of a Christian attitude at the triathlon.
Danny, you were right.
There is an animal in me, okay? But I've meditated, and he's back in his cage.
Okay, fine.
What's wrong with your leg? Nothing, it's just It's just Charley horse.
It's not a big deal.
Looks a lot worse than a Charley horse.
Okay, why don't you lay down and let me stretch you? Okay, stop telling me what to do.
Let's make it quick.
Oh, boy.
Now, just breathe for me, okay? It's tight.
Breathe.
- Oh, my gosh.
- What? There's physical pain and there emotional pain.
What you're dealing with here is clearly emotional pain.
Morgan told me about your ex-wife and the letter.
He told you about my ex You need to speak with her And you need to resolve this, otherwise the pain will continue and grow until it consumes you.
Ow! Oh.
You're good.
Close your eyes.
Danny, listen to me.
Yep.
Sometimes, good people do bad things, okay? Do you understand? Yeah.
Take Mindy and me for an example.
We hit some rocky terrain, but I'm gonna speak with her and I'm gonna clear it right up.
And I suggest you do the same with your ex.
- Ow! - What? What? No, no, don't stop! I'm close.
Don't stop.
Okay, okay.
All right, okay.
Oh, there There it is.
That's the spot.
That's the spot.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here! Danny, Brendan You know that people can see you here, right? You're already here? That's like a 9-minute mile.
You're gonna kick Morgan's ass.
Are you serious? Yeah! I've never run that fast.
Nice.
- Oh! - Oh! Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm fine.
That's disgusting.
I overexerted myself, but I'm gonna be able to do this.
- Okay.
- No problem.
Success pukes.
Yes.
You can run.
I'm ready to rock 'n' roll this.
Oh, you just puked on me.
Ugh! Okay.
I can't do this.
I think that we're winners just for having signed up for this race.
No, no, no, no.
Enough of that crap.
That's not what we're talking about here.
Okay, you know what? Screw that, okay? I'm running this race.
Danny, you're wearing underwear and you don't even have any sneakers on.
Yes, I do have sneakers right here.
Oh, my God.
We're the same size.
He has really small feet.
Hey, hey.
Look, let's have a good race.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, no! Ah, what are you doing? See you at the finish line, buddy.
Hey.
Hey.
Casey, what are you doing here? You put on quite the show when you showed up today.
I mean, I've got nine ten-year-old Hindus and 17 angry parents to deal with, two of which are menopausal moms.
And then I got three gay dads, which is another story.
Well, you put me on the spot.
You were like, "hey, kids, come check out "what this exotic, sexy Indian woman I'm dating, what she thinks about your religion.
" - Yep.
- So Um, Brendan, this is Casey, my boyfriend.
Hey.
Casey.
How you doing? But we actually might be about to break up.
So if you could just wait a couple minutes, I should have some clarity.
You want me to walk somewhere else.
Just over Like, hang out over there.
Then I should Yes.
- I'll check back in with you.
- If that's cool with you.
I'm here to tell you I do not want you to convert.
Don't do it.
Is it because I smell like barf because I barfed? Look, I'm trying to say we're good, and I realize that it's not fair of me to ask you to convert.
I just needed to know that you took religion seriously.
And when you showed up and ruined my Sunday school class today, I realized that you do.
You could be with like an agnostic Hindu-y person? I want you.
- Casey.
- Come here.
That's very Jesus-y of you.
Come here.
Come here.
Let's not kiss though, because you do have a little bit of puke.
If you care about me, you'll kiss me even though I taste like puke.
Go, Morgan! You got it, Morgan! Yeah! Number one! Come on, Danny.
Yeah! Morgan, what are you doing? That's okay.
That's all right.
No! Morgan, don't go back! Keep coming! Come here.
Come here.
Morgan, no, no, no, no! What are you doing? This is when I carried you.
You're almost here! Put me down.
They're taking pictures.
Put me down! Try to smile.
All right! Come on! I love you! Morgan, you lost.
Danny? Danny? What the hell were you thinking? - I'm sorry.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can all go to hell! Hey, come on, dude.
Oh, my God! You're all right, Deslaurier.
- Get him outta here, Duncan.
- Lock him down.
Get off me! You shouldn't have mailed that letter.
I know.
Because I should've mailed it Years ago.
I know I don't believe in second chances, but I know.
I love you too.
That's not what I was gonna say.
No, well, you might not have said it with Your lips, but you were saying it with these guys.
- Okay.
- Right here.
- Okay, come on.
Stop it.
- I'm sorry.
Don't make me regret what I'm about to ask you.
I wanna hire you back.
You're a great nurse.
Come back to work with us, all right? - I can't.
- I just I got a job What? I got a job with these guys.
I've said yes.
They got me a new desk.
And it's just like It's nice not having the pressure of being the best looking guy in the office.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Morgan Morgan.
I love you.
Wait a minute.
Sorry.
Morgan! Hey.
Hey.
I forgot to give this to you.
It's from Christina.
I opened it.
But just to make sure that there wasn't any Anthrax in it or it was like a photo of her doing some other guy.
Hey! Are you smiling? - I'm just mad.
- Why? I'm mad that I'm not mad anymore.
Hey.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm always okay.
Hey, uh, you wanna come to dinner with us? Uh, no, I'm good.
I'm good, pastor.
You guys have a good time.
Go have fun with your boyfriend.
Okay.
See you, buddy.
See ya.
J.
F.
K.
Danny? You wanna get a cup of coffee with me? Yeah.
Yeah, I was just getting out of a cab.
Great.
Why don't I give you a call later?