The Muppet Show (1976) s02e04 Episode Script
Rich Little
Rich Little! Oh, Rich Little! Forty-five seconds to curtain, Mr Little, Godfrey Daniels! Send for a shepherd, There seems to be a pig in my dressing room, Gee, that was W,C, Fields, Where's Rich Little? Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, I had to walk into this infested hole, Here's looking at at you, kid, Wow, Humphrey Bogart, But where's Rich Little? Oh, I'll be ready, Scooter, little buddy, Boy, Rich Little does impressions of everybody, It's The Muppet Show with our very speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little, It's time to play the music It's time to light the light It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started I've seen enough, Let's leave, It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show! OK, greetings, greetings, sayeth the frog and welcome to another half hour of whatever this is, For tonight, we tried to book every internationally-known superstar to appear on our stage at the same time! They couldn't make it, Yeah, baby-sitting problems and stuff like that, I guess, Actually, we did get one star, and he's enough because he can become all of the other ones, Naturally, I'm referring to the master impressionist, Mr Rich Little, But before we see him, how about a little Chanson D'Amour? Oh, what'd I miss? Oh, nothing, they just bombed again, Hey, very sensitive, Crazy Harry, You certainly have a way with a Iyric, Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Have you seen any chickens around here today? Gonzo, why would there be any chickens around here? Well, I'm auditioning for my new dancing chicken act, It's gonna be sensationaI! A dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken, How about a talking frog? Be wise, Gonzo, Well, look, I advertised for dancing chickens in the paper, So the minute they show up, just send them back to the prop room, OK? Yeah, - Thank you, Sure, send the chickens to the prop room, Ad in the paper! Chickens can't read, Frogs, yes, but chickens, never, Yeah, well, the the prop room is down there, It's the second door on your left, sir or madam, OK, it's guest star time on the old Muppet Show.
So here he is, the only man I know who can be anyone he feels like, Mr Rich Little! Thank you, thank you, It's great to be here, I'd like to start off this evening by doing my impression of truly one of the great comedians of our time, Hiya, hiya, hiya! It's great to see you happy folks 'cause I'm the bear with the snappy jokes! Hey, that's terrific, just great! Yeah, the voice is perfect, And the jokes are perfectly awfuI! Hey, look, I'm down here pretending to be a bear, They're up there pretending to be alive! Very good! Yeah, but watch it, Rich, you'll blow the impression by being funny, You mean you're not impressed with these impressions? Was that you or him? I couldn't tell, This guy's good! But let me tell you, folks, a funny thing happened on the way to the theatre, I'm coming through a crowd at the stage door when suddenly Don't tell me, I know, Bob Hope! Milton Berle, Jack Benny? Will you get out of here?! Sorry for the interruption, folks, Kermit the Frog here, We've got a really great show lined up for you tonight, featuring Gonzo and the flying cheese, plus the state of New Jersey, Oh, gee, Look look who's here, Rich, it's you! See, I was in the dressing room and I heard you onstage and for a second thought I had grown a new me, Hello, Kermie, What? Kissy-kissy, Hey, it's terrific, If you don't let me sing tonight on the show - I'll rip off your flippers! - Please, Piggy Rich, This is all I heard you out here talking to another woman! Where is she? No, Piggy, That was Rich Little, Wasn't it, Rich? Hey, no, it wasn't me, I just got here myself, I thought so, swamp face! - But Hey, watch what you do to my frog, Bacon-hips, Oh, what a performance! And what a finish, right into the orchestra pit, Yeah, good old Rich Little, Who else can do impressions and break a piano in two with his head? OK, who's next? Come on in, All right, we're auditioning here for a new dancing chicken act, So naturally, I want to see you hoof, Hit it, Rowlf, OK, can you do a little time step? No, you can't do a little time step, How about the turkey trot? Nope, OK, let's see you cross over here, Come on, One, two, three, four, At least do something, OK, don't call us, we'll call you, Nice legs, though, I've heard that dancing is good for you, that it can add ten years to your life, I believe it, Dancing with you, I've aged ten years, Tell me if I'm holding you too tight, I say, tell me if I'm holding you too tight, Now you tell me, Oh, look at that, You should call him a doctor, OK, You're a doctor, Excuse excuse me, Will you stop trying to cut in? What's the quickest way out of here? Through the roof, Join in, everyone, Take it, Piggy, Everybody! There, now that's entertainment! That's what you said about the War of 1 81 2, Oh, here he is, - Shh, shh, I understand there are reporters who want to interview me, Yes, that's right, I just want you to know we are professionaI journalists, We won't ask you to do impressions, You can just be yourself, - Thank you, I appreciate that, Mr Little, I have a two-part question, One, how long does it take you to work up an impression? Two, would you answer as Cary Grant? Listen, Now, listen, we weren't gonna ask him to perform, But I just love Cary Grant, Thank you very much, I really appreciate that, I really do, Well, to answer the first part of your question, some come very quickly, like two or three hours, and others take longer, Then there are some that I'm still working on, You mean like your Cary Grant? I heard that, junior, Another crack out of you, and I'll turn your head into a dimple, Oh, I just love Burt Lancaster, I thought I was doing Cary Grant, I know, But I just love Burt Lancaster, You're very kind, miss, very kind, Perhaps after this interview we could go out together, have a little champagne supper, Oh, I think I'm going to faint, Good grief! I must apologise for my colleagues here, From now on there will be no impressions, Answer in your own voice, Oh, that'll be fine, Are you doing your own voice now, or are you doing an impression of yourself? No, this is my own voice, I've never learned to do me, Working with all the strange characters must seem like a Marx Brothers movie, That's the nastiest thing I've heard, Put your teeth in backwards and bite yourself to death, Has anyone ever objected to you impersonating him? Well, of course, let me say this: To the best of my to the best of my recollection, I don't think that anybody has ever objected to me impersonating them, Tell me, Mr Little, do you have your own favourite impression you like to do? Well, I like Like to do Jimmy Stewart a lot, yeah, yep, yep, Jimmy Stewart is probably probably my favourite actor, One last question, How does it feeI to be on The Muppet Show with all those strange weird creatures? Oh, I just adore the Muppets, They're they're so cute and cuddly, I could just squeeze them all to death, OK, everybody with Broadway experience, step forward, And now Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Dr Bob, Dr Bob, are you ready for the next bear? Why, Nurse Piggy, I couldn't have a beer now, I'm about to operate, No, not beer, bear, The next patient, Oh, why, so he is, What seems to be his trouble? He's a little hoarse, - You said he was a bear, That's very funny, Dr Bob, Yes, it is a little weird, Usually, you call a small horse a colt, But that's why he's a little hoarse, He's got a colt in the head! Hey, in that case, we must try to stabilise his condition, Oh, well how do we do that? Put him in the stable! Oh, but, Dr Bob, we're supposed to operate, You're right, Hand me the saw, Saw, Dr Bob, Dr Bob, even if he is a horse, should you be using a saw? What's the matter? You never heard of a saw horse? And so Dr Bob has tuned to carpentry.
Tune in next time when you will hear him say Say, I think this is a bear I'm operating on, Why? - Because I'm barely operating, That was a very cutting remark, OK, Scooter, let me know when he shows up, huh? Nice going, guys, nice going, Hey, Kermit, - What? Where are you gonna put my chicken act in the show? Gonzo, I hate to break this news to you, but the dancing chicken act is out, But, Kermit, why? Why? Well, somehow, you see, kid, it doesn't fit into the generaI ambiance of sophistication and classic theatre we try so hard to achieve around here, Sort of like our next act, Nureyev, Say, Kermit, Nureyev just called and cancelled out, One of his seals is sick, Rudolf Nureyev has trained seals? No, Adolph Nureyev does, Does this mean I can go on? Well, OK, Gonzo, But this act better not lay an egg, Stardom is mine, Thank you, thank you, And now we have a very speciaI treat for you, Actually, it's the only act we've got, Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Gonzo and his dancing chicken, Lolita, Gonzo and a chicken? Why not? One chicken, one turkey, OK, come on, Lolita, dance, She makes it look easy, don't she? A big finish, Here it goes, Say, that Great Gonzo's pretty good, Good? Why, he's got 'em laying in the aisles, And now The Muppet Show takes pride in presenting scenes from the great Hollywood musicaI comedies of yesterday, as re-created today by our very speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little! Old Blue Eyes is back, Oh, yeah? Well, so's old Green Eyes, Sing it, Bing, I can remember everything as if it were yesterday, Oh, so can I, Maurice, That's about it for another one, Let's thank our very speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little! Yeah! Thank you, I've been backstage listening, and I've perfected another impression of a Muppet star, Oh, yeah? Well, let's hear it, My kind of performer! Will you cut that out? Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
I never want to go through that again, What, The Muppet Show?, - No, the War of 1 81 2!
So here he is, the only man I know who can be anyone he feels like, Mr Rich Little! Thank you, thank you, It's great to be here, I'd like to start off this evening by doing my impression of truly one of the great comedians of our time, Hiya, hiya, hiya! It's great to see you happy folks 'cause I'm the bear with the snappy jokes! Hey, that's terrific, just great! Yeah, the voice is perfect, And the jokes are perfectly awfuI! Hey, look, I'm down here pretending to be a bear, They're up there pretending to be alive! Very good! Yeah, but watch it, Rich, you'll blow the impression by being funny, You mean you're not impressed with these impressions? Was that you or him? I couldn't tell, This guy's good! But let me tell you, folks, a funny thing happened on the way to the theatre, I'm coming through a crowd at the stage door when suddenly Don't tell me, I know, Bob Hope! Milton Berle, Jack Benny? Will you get out of here?! Sorry for the interruption, folks, Kermit the Frog here, We've got a really great show lined up for you tonight, featuring Gonzo and the flying cheese, plus the state of New Jersey, Oh, gee, Look look who's here, Rich, it's you! See, I was in the dressing room and I heard you onstage and for a second thought I had grown a new me, Hello, Kermie, What? Kissy-kissy, Hey, it's terrific, If you don't let me sing tonight on the show - I'll rip off your flippers! - Please, Piggy Rich, This is all I heard you out here talking to another woman! Where is she? No, Piggy, That was Rich Little, Wasn't it, Rich? Hey, no, it wasn't me, I just got here myself, I thought so, swamp face! - But Hey, watch what you do to my frog, Bacon-hips, Oh, what a performance! And what a finish, right into the orchestra pit, Yeah, good old Rich Little, Who else can do impressions and break a piano in two with his head? OK, who's next? Come on in, All right, we're auditioning here for a new dancing chicken act, So naturally, I want to see you hoof, Hit it, Rowlf, OK, can you do a little time step? No, you can't do a little time step, How about the turkey trot? Nope, OK, let's see you cross over here, Come on, One, two, three, four, At least do something, OK, don't call us, we'll call you, Nice legs, though, I've heard that dancing is good for you, that it can add ten years to your life, I believe it, Dancing with you, I've aged ten years, Tell me if I'm holding you too tight, I say, tell me if I'm holding you too tight, Now you tell me, Oh, look at that, You should call him a doctor, OK, You're a doctor, Excuse excuse me, Will you stop trying to cut in? What's the quickest way out of here? Through the roof, Join in, everyone, Take it, Piggy, Everybody! There, now that's entertainment! That's what you said about the War of 1 81 2, Oh, here he is, - Shh, shh, I understand there are reporters who want to interview me, Yes, that's right, I just want you to know we are professionaI journalists, We won't ask you to do impressions, You can just be yourself, - Thank you, I appreciate that, Mr Little, I have a two-part question, One, how long does it take you to work up an impression? Two, would you answer as Cary Grant? Listen, Now, listen, we weren't gonna ask him to perform, But I just love Cary Grant, Thank you very much, I really appreciate that, I really do, Well, to answer the first part of your question, some come very quickly, like two or three hours, and others take longer, Then there are some that I'm still working on, You mean like your Cary Grant? I heard that, junior, Another crack out of you, and I'll turn your head into a dimple, Oh, I just love Burt Lancaster, I thought I was doing Cary Grant, I know, But I just love Burt Lancaster, You're very kind, miss, very kind, Perhaps after this interview we could go out together, have a little champagne supper, Oh, I think I'm going to faint, Good grief! I must apologise for my colleagues here, From now on there will be no impressions, Answer in your own voice, Oh, that'll be fine, Are you doing your own voice now, or are you doing an impression of yourself? No, this is my own voice, I've never learned to do me, Working with all the strange characters must seem like a Marx Brothers movie, That's the nastiest thing I've heard, Put your teeth in backwards and bite yourself to death, Has anyone ever objected to you impersonating him? Well, of course, let me say this: To the best of my to the best of my recollection, I don't think that anybody has ever objected to me impersonating them, Tell me, Mr Little, do you have your own favourite impression you like to do? Well, I like Like to do Jimmy Stewart a lot, yeah, yep, yep, Jimmy Stewart is probably probably my favourite actor, One last question, How does it feeI to be on The Muppet Show with all those strange weird creatures? Oh, I just adore the Muppets, They're they're so cute and cuddly, I could just squeeze them all to death, OK, everybody with Broadway experience, step forward, And now Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Dr Bob, Dr Bob, are you ready for the next bear? Why, Nurse Piggy, I couldn't have a beer now, I'm about to operate, No, not beer, bear, The next patient, Oh, why, so he is, What seems to be his trouble? He's a little hoarse, - You said he was a bear, That's very funny, Dr Bob, Yes, it is a little weird, Usually, you call a small horse a colt, But that's why he's a little hoarse, He's got a colt in the head! Hey, in that case, we must try to stabilise his condition, Oh, well how do we do that? Put him in the stable! Oh, but, Dr Bob, we're supposed to operate, You're right, Hand me the saw, Saw, Dr Bob, Dr Bob, even if he is a horse, should you be using a saw? What's the matter? You never heard of a saw horse? And so Dr Bob has tuned to carpentry.
Tune in next time when you will hear him say Say, I think this is a bear I'm operating on, Why? - Because I'm barely operating, That was a very cutting remark, OK, Scooter, let me know when he shows up, huh? Nice going, guys, nice going, Hey, Kermit, - What? Where are you gonna put my chicken act in the show? Gonzo, I hate to break this news to you, but the dancing chicken act is out, But, Kermit, why? Why? Well, somehow, you see, kid, it doesn't fit into the generaI ambiance of sophistication and classic theatre we try so hard to achieve around here, Sort of like our next act, Nureyev, Say, Kermit, Nureyev just called and cancelled out, One of his seals is sick, Rudolf Nureyev has trained seals? No, Adolph Nureyev does, Does this mean I can go on? Well, OK, Gonzo, But this act better not lay an egg, Stardom is mine, Thank you, thank you, And now we have a very speciaI treat for you, Actually, it's the only act we've got, Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Gonzo and his dancing chicken, Lolita, Gonzo and a chicken? Why not? One chicken, one turkey, OK, come on, Lolita, dance, She makes it look easy, don't she? A big finish, Here it goes, Say, that Great Gonzo's pretty good, Good? Why, he's got 'em laying in the aisles, And now The Muppet Show takes pride in presenting scenes from the great Hollywood musicaI comedies of yesterday, as re-created today by our very speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little! Old Blue Eyes is back, Oh, yeah? Well, so's old Green Eyes, Sing it, Bing, I can remember everything as if it were yesterday, Oh, so can I, Maurice, That's about it for another one, Let's thank our very speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little! Yeah! Thank you, I've been backstage listening, and I've perfected another impression of a Muppet star, Oh, yeah? Well, let's hear it, My kind of performer! Will you cut that out? Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
I never want to go through that again, What, The Muppet Show?, - No, the War of 1 81 2!