The Office (UK) Episode Scripts

N/A - Judgement

This is the worst part of my job, you know.
I do not want to lose a good man.
But it's out of my hands, and if it were in my hands, my hands are tied.
It's nothing personal Why am I getting fired? You're not getting fired.
It's redundancy.
Cutbacks being what they are, you are one of the unlucky ones.
Or one of the lucky ones in my opinion! David, why, when there are three other forklift operators, do you decide to fire me and not Anton? Is this positive discrimination? Do you have disability quotas to fill? I don't know what you mean.
Are you keeping Anton on because he's disabled? Anton's not disabled.
- He's a midget.
Yeah, but you're not disabled if you're a midget.
That's just small.
Ronnie Corbett doesn't get special treatment.
He's five foot.
Anton's three foot four.
So are some children.
Children aren't disabled, are they? Children don't work in warehouses.
Look, whether or not Anton is indeed a midget or a dwarf No, he's a midget.
- What's the difference? A dwarf has disproportionately short arms and legs.
Oh, I know the ones.
It's caused by a hormone deficiency.
Yeah.
Bloody hormones.
A midget is still a dwarf, but their arms and legs are in proportion.
So what's an elf? Do you want to answer that? An elf is a supernatural being.
Sometimes they're invisible, like fairies.
They don't actually exist, do they? In real life? Do you think I enjoy this? It's been imposed upon me.
'It's been imposed upon me!' Yeah.
What do you want me to say, I'm sorry? Yeah.
I want you to say you're sorry.
Apologise and stop passing the buck! I'm not passing the buck.
This is someone else's decision.
Go above my head if you want.
- Oh, I will.
Good luck.
It's your prerogative.
- Yeah, it is.
My prerogative.
So is a pixie the same as an elf? - Hold on, Gareth.
So what's a goblin? - How long will you be? I know I probably seem an imposing figure now - you know, the slick boss - but get to know me, you'll see I'm mad.
I brought that in.
So Oh, here we go.
Malcolm.
This is Malcolm.
This is Karen Roper, my new secretary.
You can all use her - as the actress said to the bishop.
Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
David, can I just ask why you've hired yourself a new secretary when you're having to fire people like Alex? Different people, different jobs.
To whit, the answer to the question, is it people or task is - well, you know - people.
Like this person.
Kojak.
David, what I want to know - Kojak we call him.
.
.
am I going to be fired? When will we know? Good question.
Jennifer is coming in midday today, Greenwich Mean Time.
She will have the verdict then.
OK.
I was just keeping the troops happy.
They'd be happier if they knew they'd got jobs.
Yeah.
I'm thinking of other weird-looking bald people.
That one on Benny Hill? Oh, yeah.
I don't know if you met Tim.
He's thinking of leaving.
He's feeling bad about himself.
I'm going to make him feel good about himself, turn it round.
You know.
Look and learn.
So Timothy! Hi.
- Can I have a quick word? In the office.
Walk this way.
Quack, quack, quack! Always start with a joke.
You might want to make notes.
Hiya.
Come in.
How are you? - All right, thanks.
You don't mind if Karen sits in to learn the ropes? No, not at all.
What are we doing? I wanted to know why you're thinking of leaving, mate.
I'm not thinking of leaving, I am leaving.
Sure.
Sure.
I don't mean to stitch anyone up, but it's nothing I've said? Not at all, David.
No.
- Definitely not.
No way.
I don't want to put words in your mouth, but what sort of a boss would you say I am? I'm a - Good boss, yeah.
He said good.
- No.
You're a great boss.
It's just that I'm not in a position It's not because you asked Dawn out and she said no? I didn't ask her out.
It was as a friend.
It was as a friend.
Put friend.
Put friend down.
So why the move? It's not one thing - Go on.
Can I? - Sure.
OK.
I don't really enjoy the work I do here.
I'm sorry, but I feel a little bit like I'm wasting my time.
That life's too short.
- Exactly.
Thank you.
Let's be honest, David, I am 30.
I want to retire with some stories to tell.
- Not about paper.
I've got paper stories that'll crack you up.
That's true.
Hilarious.
- Put hilarious.
Shall I go on? - How many are there? It's like an alarm clock's gone off and I've just got to get away.
I think it was John Lennon who said 'Life is what happens when you're making other plans.
' That's how I feel.
Though he also said, 'I am the walrus, I am the eggman', so I don't know what to believe! David, listen - No, you listen to me, 'Tim'.
When you first came here, you didn't know about the paper industry.
I showed you the ropes, nurtured you, gave you a good job.
That he doesn't want! - I didn't ask you.
You asked me how I felt - I don't want to know now.
This has been a waste of time.
Yeah.
Why don't you both go and do some work instead of whinging, please? This is silly - No, go on.
Don't say out there what you said in here, apart from the good boss.
I don't want you spreading bad vibes around my office, all right? Don't be like that at the party! You try and do a good deed and that You all right? Yeah.
Hello.
Are you going to the party? Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
I wouldn't miss it.
And you? - Er, yes.
Good.
Hooray.
See you later.
- Yeah.
I hope they get rl'd of me, Then I might get off my arse and do something.
I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.
I don't know what I'll do, but it's got to be a career move and not just another arbitrary job.
Um Tim says it's better to be at the foot of a ladder you want to climb than halfway up one you don't.
But I don't I just don't want to be treading water and wake up in five years and say, 'Shit! Done it again.
' Do you think you could? Could you not do that here, mate? Not do that here? I've got to do it, mate.
Really.
No chance you could throw it in the bin? Yeah, and I'll take them round to rival companies and hand them out.
Good point, but could you throw it in the bin? Gareth, can you keep it down a bit? Hmm? - Can you stop it? Yeah.
I'll just do it like this.
Hiya.
- Hi, David.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Who's she? - Don't know.
I promised you some kind of answer today.
I don't think it's the one you're expecting.
Firstly, I'm moving on.
Have you been fired? - No.
I've been made into a partner.
They've made you a partner? That'll be Wernham Hogg Taylor Clark.
They'll have to change the stationery.
I think we'll get a discount.
- 40% sometimes.
The point is, my job is now available and the board thought that you or Neil should do it.
I can tell you the board have voted 5-2 in favour of you taking it.
Voted for me 5-2? There's only seven on the board.
Five out of seven.
That's a landslide.
David - Go on.
You've made it clear that you're 100% committed to your branch.
You do understand that if you take on my job, Neil will stay in Swindon and your branch will be downsized and incorporated into his? Yup.
I know that you're loyal to your family I'd be loyal to the whole family.
It's one big family.
I just know that you have strong emotional ties to your team.
Yeah, but there is the emotion as 'good in business' syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenario Sorry, you've lost me.
You're not looking at the whole pie.
Wernham Hogg is one big pie and if I'm in charge of that big pie, I'll be in charge of The people are the fruit.
I don't have time for the pie thing, David.
I'm saying, OK, I'll take the job, please.
Good.
OK.
The first step is to meet with Alan and the board.
Yup.
What's five out of seven as a percentage? Er 70%.
71.
4.
So Call Susan and arrange to meet the board and finalise all the details.
Congratulations and good luck.
You don't need luck when you've got 71% of the population behind you.
She's still here.
Bye, Jennifer.
What do you think? - He looked all right.
How did it go? - What did she say? Fine.
What's the damage? It's complicated.
Are you going to tell us? - Yeah.
David? We'd like to know now.
OK.
All right.
OK.
Gather.
Um Well, there's good news and bad news.
The bad news is Neil will be taking over both branches and some of you will lose your jobs.
Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon I know, I know.
Gutting.
Gutting.
You didn't see me.
On a more positive note, the good news is I've been promoted.
So every cloud You're still thinking about the bad news.
There's no good news.
It's bad news and irrelevant news.
That's not a phrase though.
'I've got bad news and irrelevant news.
' You could have told us about Neil and kept your promotion to yourself.
Or told you the good news first There is no good news, David.
I think promotion is generally considered good news.
We're going to lose our jobs! - You're not all going to.
God! Just You're not going to lose your job.
You're not going to.
You know You're not going to.
So just get it in perspective, yeah? Come on.
You know there's only seven people on the board When are the rest of us going to find out? I can't believe it.
After all the things he said, it's just I'm in shock.
Sold us out.
Wanker.
What? David Brent's leaving? So you're definitely leaving? Yup, it would appear so.
What about us? There's nothing between us.
- Not like that.
But we're a team.
I'm Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
- Yeah.
So I can still be your assistant if you're going off to the? No.
I'll be getting a proper assistant - a P.
A.
A lady? - Hopefully, yeah.
Not 'cause of that, just What about Neil? Does he need an? I could be his assistant.
Neil's bringing his man with him.
Bloody good guy.
Bloke called Terry someone.
You'd like him.
He's ex-army.
Territorial? No.
- Regular? Yeah.
What rank? - Sergeant, I think.
What are you? Lieutenant, sir.
Anyway That's it, then, is it? The old team on the scrapheap.
It's all gone.
Gareth come on.
You're a soldier.
Yeah? Eh? Yeah? Stiff upper lip and all that, eh? Spirit of the Dambusters.
Yeah? The squadron never dies, does it? Seen that film? - Yeah.
I've got it on video.
Well then, yeah? Before he goes into battle, he's playing with his dog.
Nigger.
- That's not offensive.
That's the dog's name.
It's the '40s, before racism was bad.
The dog was called Nigger.
- Don't keep saying it.
Eh? So, take anything.
Choose one thing.
Choose a memento.
From me to you.
Take anything you want.
- To keep? Yup.
- I'll have the guitar.
Not the guitar.
I meant stationery.
Something I can re-order.
The hole punch.
That's always handy.
All right? - Yeah? Bloody good one, that.
Like confetti.
Could be used as confetti, yeah.
Check with the vicar first, always.
Don't get it on the carpet, Gareth.
It's just - Put it there.
I don't see it as letting people down.
If we're a family, it's time to let them stand on their own two feet.
You can be sure that if they were in my position, they'd take the job.
'Thanks for the opportunity and the great jokes.
' You know, this is a business.
I'm not doing this for an Esther Rantzen Heart of Gold, or if Esther's handing out awards, then do it for my charity work.
Five fun runs in two years.
So why don't you ask Philippa Norris or Simon Coleman at Mencap what they think of David Brent? So It's the end of the financial year and Spirits Are In The Sky.
You're all smug now.
You're moving away.
But think of me.
The shoe could be on the other foot.
You're going to be all right.
- Yeah.
I work hard.
I earn my keep.
Unfortunately, the history books are full of just people who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others and That's the most profound thing you've ever said.
You do that and foreigners, women or the disabled take advantage of it.
Can I withdraw my last comment? What do you think of her? - A bit out of your league.
Definitely.
- No.
Smug.
You think you're so Just 'cause you got a bit of Donna, and I played by the rules 'cause she was out of bounds.
You sneaked in.
I'd have got a bit if I'd known it was up for grabs.
I'd have done her, but that would be shitting on your own doorstep.
Anyway, I don't do sloppy seconds.
It's phrases like sloppy seconds which make her out of your league.
Hello! Welcome, everybody.
A few things.
See the raffle there? That's going to start later.
You can win a printer.
Something I'd bloody love.
Although if I won it, I'd give it to charity or something, but that's No pressure.
Good luck to Ricky, who's off pursuing his career starting Monday.
Have we got him a gift or something? You haven't been here long.
Should have seen what we got Pete Gibbons.
Oooh! He'll tell you.
We all remember that.
So Just come from a meeting at Head Office, where I was officially offered the job as UK Manager.
As you know, taking that job means a lot of you will lose your jobs, and I'd just like to say I told them to shove their job up their arses! So you're staying here? - Yes.
We all are.
We'll incorporate Swindon.
So Hip hip hooray for David Brent! Hip hip Stop it.
Seriously.
Move on.
Let's move on.
So have a good Let's rock! Smashey and Nicey! Put the record on when I do that.
Clumsy.
Tim! - All right, mate? Did you ask my girlfriend out? - Eh? No.
You hit on someone's girlfriend? - No.
I can't let that go.
- No.
Listen We've got a problem.
- No, we haven't.
What are we going to do? - Lee, I asked her out as a friend.
It was just a soldier to cry on.
A soldier? - Shoulder.
A soldier? Are you bent or something? Is this a wind-up? - Yeah.
Sorry, mate.
Don't do that, man! - Having a laugh.
I'm sorry.
She's a good-looking girl.
- Yeah, she is.
That's the thing about leadership.
Sometimes you sacrifice yourself.
We just wanted to say that was a really good thing you did.
Really impressive.
I'd prefer your respect individually, but cheers.
You've got our respect individually.
I'd believe that if he hadn't jumped on top of you.
Actually, I was on top! - All right.
We just wanted to say well done.
And they probably did oral.
All right? Enjoying the party? So they offered you the job? Yeah.
The thing is I've been with this nutty lot way too long to sell them down the river, so not interested.
It's just that I was speaking to Paula and she Paula? - Alan's assistant.
She thinks you didn't take the job not because you didn't want it, but because you failed the medical because of high blood pressure.
Ask yourself why I got high blood pressure on the day of the medical.
Are you saying you cheated science and faked high blood pressure so you could remain in the job? You've got to ask yourself that.
- Did you? What's worse - cheating medical science or cheating friends? The board of directors said, 'David, you're the best man for the job.
'We won't take no for an answer.
'Oh, you failed the medical.
Oh, all right, stay with your ' For all your mole knows, they may or may not have said that to me.
They may or may not have.
So you faked high blood pressure in order to fail a medical test? Oh, no.
See you later.
So when are you leaving me? It probably won't be for quite a while.
Autumn? - Probably not.
Oh.
I thought you wanted to go back to university.
Yeah, I will, but there's a slight change of plan.
Oh, right.
David's made me Senior Sales Clerk.
Wow.
Um I thought you wanted to be a psychologist.
Oh, yeah.
But Senior Sales Clerk is Well, it's 500 quid guaranteed extra a year.
If I do a bit of networking, then there's every chance I could be in David's chair in three years.
So Um All that talk about, like, moving on in the world No.
Moving up.
Yeah? Moving up.
Moving up can mean within an internal ladder, framework, or sideways to external, then up.
You've got to look at the whole pie vis-à-vis my current life situation.
Vis-à? Pie? Which means, of course, that my old job is free.
So, you know Have a word.
Timothy! You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years, and you're dead.
The only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'Did I enjoy it? What was the point?' That's where I come in.
You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible.
If I make them laugh along the way, sue me.
I don't do it so they say, 'Thank you for the opportunity.
'Thank you for the wisdom.
Thank you for the laughs.
' I do it so one day, someone will go, 'There goes David Brent.
'I must remember to thank him.
'