The Office (UK) Episode Scripts

N/A - Merger

Morning, Gareth.
Muppets.
It's just that I've been made senior sales rep, which is a great opportunity.
There's people coming in from Swindon, which is a new and exciting venture as well.
I'm 30.
I want to grow up, basically.
Then we'll say no more about it.
All right? Oggy! Oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink! Oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink! Oggy Oggy Oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink! See you later.
Do you keep in touch with Oggy? - That was Oggy.
Was it? How is he? - You don't know him.
I wish I did.
He sounds great.
- He is.
Could you keep the pig impersonations down? Yeah.
I've told you before, you can't tell me what to do, I'm team leader.
I'm senior sales rep, so I can.
- Team leader beats senior sales rep.
No.
My job title actually means something.
I got a pay rise.
Team leader means nothing.
It means I'm leader of a team.
It's a title someone's given you to get you to do things they don't want to do for free.
It's like making the div kid at school milk monitor.
No one respects it.
They do.
- No.
Yes, they do.
If people were rude to me, I gave them their milk last, so it was warm.
Right.
Oh, no I found that in 'Inside Paper'.
It's the trade magazine for the paper industry.
My ugly mug on the front! Embarrassing.
All right.
Lee, I wouldn't get caught there, mate.
Top brass are milling about.
I'm going anyway, mate.
See ya.
- Bye.
Sorry.
I've got to supervise everything and make sure it's all You haven't visited for ages.
- Yeah.
I'm a bit snowed under.
It's all go! - This is Neil.
Neil Godwin.
- Hi.
Neil is Jennifer's replacement.
- I'm David's boss.
Just a little bit above me - I'm the UK manager.
I was David's equivalent in Swindon, doing the same kind of job.
So I'm David's boss, looking after him.
We have met before.
Ipswich conference.
- Oh, God.
I was a leetle bit drunk! For most of the week.
- Doesn't sound like me, does it? Anyway Come into my boudoir.
Monkey! Just an example of the laughs we have here - for one.
but they are exciting times with the merger.
Things move fast.
Only two weeks ago, I was telling them I'd decided to stay after all, and you saw how relieved they were at that.
But we've had a personnel change of 25%, people coming and going.
I had to let my PA go.
Last in, first out.
Which was really sad.
That was upsetting.
I'm coping.
I rolled with the punch.
Dawn can do a lot of it anyway.
Is that in your way? I'll move that.
Oh, God.
Look at that.
Stupid.
Get UK Manager of the Month, Inside Paper, and pull a daft face.
You look quite young.
- Photogenic It's 18 months old.
- Yeah.
I got it out today to throw it away.
Definitely.
Look at that.
- Inside Paper inside the paper bin! Recycle that.
It's a shame 'cause Hello - Want a biscuit? Good, innit? You know this thing we're doing lunchtime? A welcome do for the Swindon lot.
Just to meet and greet.
I'm going to do a speech, so no heckling.
I've got a joke you can use.
- Go on.
It's Christmas dinner, royal family.
Camilla Parker-Bowles says, 'OK.
I'll think of something, you have to guess what it is.
' She's thinking a black man's cock.
- Trust Camilla.
It's not racist? Charles goes, 'Can I put it in my mouth?' 'Yeah.
' The Queen goes, 'Is it a black man's cock?' She's guessed it from those clues! - Straightaway.
That's the sort of stuff I write.
You didn't write it, you just told it.
Well done.
Do it again.
Look forward to this! Sheila.
- Hi, Sheila.
it's just a chill-out, get to know each other type of vibe.
Nice to see you.
- Settling in all right? Very much holding Neil's hand.
Daunting for him.
Ooh.
Dawn, you know I don't drink! Eh? She gave me some wine and I went, 'You know I don't drink!' Do you not drink? - He says, 'Do I not drink?' Yeah.
He drinks.
- Right.
OK.
Just a little bit.
Take a chair - not literally! Ladies first.
Here we go.
You put the chairs out? It's great.
You're saying a few words? - Just a few.
Some people are intimidated when talking to lots of people in an entertaining way.
Not me.
I've had experience.
At a Coventry conference, some of us put on a review and I did impressions of the conference co-ordinator, Eric Hitchmo.
He talks like this and says one thing.
'I don't agree with that in the workplace.
' I did him as famous people.
The compere would go, 'Lt Colombo' and I'd come out in a mac.
'My wife loves you but I don't agree with that in the workplace!' And I did him as Basil Fawlty.
'I think I got away with it but I don't agree with that in the workplace!' And he loved it because there was nothing vicious.
Some 'comedians' would have been more nasty.
Hello, everyone.
For those of you that don't know me, my name's Neil Godwin.
For those of you that do know me, keep shtum.
I'm a man of simple pleasures.
I don't need lovely houses and classy restaurants, so good job I moved to Slough! No, it's great to be in Slough.
I've just spent a year in Beirut.
I know that David is worried about taking on these new staff because it'll mean more responsibility - he'll have to delegate twice as much work! There will be perks.
I'm sure he's looking forward to having more men underneath him.
Thanks.
What he was saying about me being top of the pile of men - saying I'm gay.
I'm not gay.
In fact, I can honestly say I've never come over a little queer! Get to the real stuff.
That was just He's putting me off.
Welcome to Slough to the new people.
My name's David Brent.
I've always been in the paper industry, haven't I? My parents owned a paper shop - until it blew away! There's better ones than that.
OK.
I'm not used to public squeaking.
I piss pronunciate a lot of my worms.
Ooh.
'The Two Ronnies'.
Classic stuff.
Turn the phone off.
If you're not concentrating, you won't enjoy it as much.
Focus.
Anyway, good to have you all here from Swindon.
I hear they dropped an atomic bomb on Swindon - did about £15 worth of damage.
Right.
OK.
That's Right.
Imagine if Eric was a Los Angeles detective.
It'd be a bit weird, wouldn't it? 'My wife loves you but I don't agree with that in the workplace.
' What's that, Eric? You've started running a hotel in Torquay? 'Don't mention the war and I don't agree with that in the workplace!' I don't agree with that in the workplace! You know Eric Hitchmo.
Who's been to the Coventry conference? Do you not know Eric Hitchmo? - Yeah, but he doesn't talk like that.
Yes, he does.
Right, Gareth? - I prefer your stuff about his little hand.
I don't do that.
- You do.
The wanking claw.
Has everyone heard of Harry Enfield? Harry Enfield? Yes.
- Right.
OK.
Then, who's this? 'I do not believe you wanted to do that.
Only me!' Oh, come on! You try something and that's Thanks, David.
- Eh? Thanks.
- Whatever.
Just OK.
There's plenty of wine and snacks left if you want to help yourselves to anything.
Thanks.
I've got a mate who's got a wheelchair.
Not a mate, I don't like him much.
I feel all right, yeah.
- It looks very smart.
Cheers.
Thank you very much.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Dawn.
You've been off reception for an hour.
I don't know if we're missing calls or what.
Could you check? Check the messages.
Is that all right? Thanks, mate.
As long as it's comfy Hi.
Lunchtime gigs are the worst.
I don't think Neil warmed you up.
He's not a professional comedian.
He was funny though.
- An amateur will stitch up a professional.
Here's one I should have told you.
The Royal family.
Christmas Day.
Camilla goes, 'Let's play '20 Questions'.
You've got to guess what I'm thinking of.
' What she's thinking of is a black man's cock.
Charles goes, 'Is it bigger than the bread bin?' 'Yes.
' Philip goes, 'Can I put it in my mouth?' 'Yes.
' The Queen goes, 'Is it a black?' Hiya.
Sorry.
Were you telling a joke? - No.
That was it.
What did the Queen say? What was the joke? - The Royal family playing '20 Questions'.
It's not the black man's cock one, is it? It might be, but Bad, isn't it? - It's all right.
It's funny.
Harmless.
Well done.
Have you all met this little lady this lady? It's a shame this had to happen today, but I've just had a complaint.
What complaint? - I can't believe you told racist jokes.
Wrong.
No way.
He thought it was funny, so I don't know why he's complaining now.
I assumed it was the new guy.
Anyway, it isn't racist.
- What is it? The joke? - The gist of it.
It won't be funny now.
- What's the content? Royal family on Christmas Day.
Camilla goes, 'Let's play a game.
'You have to guess what I'm thinking of.
' She's thinking of a black man's cock.
So Charles goes, 'Is it bigger than the bread bin?' Camilla goes, 'Yup'.
Philip goes, 'Can I put it in my mouth?' 'Yup'.
The Queen goes, 'Is it a black man's cock?' He's heard it before.
So that's the sort of yeah.
I can see why that might be offensive.
I don't say anything bad about black people.
It's about a black man's cock.
- It just happens to be a black man's cock.
You're using the stereotype that all black men have large penises to make it funnier.
It's not an insult.
It's a compliment.
Black people should be flattered that their only achievement is oversized genitalia? They shouldn't be ashamed.
- It's a myth.
I could show you a magazine where - Could you? I haven't got it with me.
When are you next in? I could just say big cock and not mention the colour.
Or you could tell those jokes in your free time and not in the workplace.
It was his joke.
Whatever, David.
You've heard my opinion.
Shall we go back outside? You ought to be careful because some of them can be a little bit sensitive, so Sorry? Who can? - Some people can take things the wrong way - as an actress said to a bishop! That's not a gay stereotype.
I'm not saying that's the wrong way.
I'm saying it's a way.
Some straight women like it the wrong way.
It doesn't matter if you're gay.
One in ten, apparently.
That seems a bit high.
You might be If you are, good luck to you.
Just make sure it's legal and be safe.
OK? That's it.
A lot of people can't keep up with what words are acceptable and what words aren't.
My dad, for example, isn't as cosmopolitan or as educated as me and it can be embarrassing.
He doesn't understand new trendy words.
He'll say 'poofs' instead of 'gays'.
'Birds' instead of 'women', 'darkies' instead of 'coloureds'.
All right, Tim? - Yes, thanks, Keith.
Hi.
- Sorry.
I didn't mean to Your T-shirt's got 'Pot my pink' on it.
Play snooker? - Not that way.
So it's Rachel, isn't it? - Tim.
Hiya.
Keith.
Thanks very much.
Good luck.
Jenny.
You've met Oliver? - Yes.
Good lad.
We were having a laugh earlier.
- Yeah.
Did you like that joke I told? - Yeah.
It was funny.
David, we've talked about this.
- Yup.
Interesting.
See you later, David.
Goodbye.
She should chill out a bit more.
Maybe a bit of the old ganja, know what I mean? Course you do.
Meetings would be different.
'David, I've called this meeting because I want you to get me some Hobnobs'! Like in Scooby Doo, all those Scooby Snacks because he's got the munchies.
Dooby dooby doo! 'Raggy!' I was not advocating the use of drugs.
I was talking to someone on their level.
I can communicate with people from all walks of life.
Olive? - Mm.
Snacks.
- So when did you come up? Saturday.
Saturday.
Was it your mum or your boyfriend drove you? No.
My brother came up with me.
- OK.
Have you got ties in Swindon or are you starting again here? I'll be going back weekends.
- OK.
Sorry.
So have you got a boyfriend or not? No, I haven't.
I think I left my drink over there - See you in a bit.
Tim, I know you don't mean to but you're cramping my style.
What? - I'm planning to get off with her.
And what if I liked her? - I saw her first.
And how does that work? You've won the argument doing that, have you? Of course.
Everyone's nice.
Hi.
- Hi.
They came for the package.
- Yeah? No problem.
- Cool.
I'm so bored.
- Are you? Do you want to wind up Gareth for a bit? I don't think we should.
He's a bit busy.
So? - So am I, Dawn, actually.
So should you be.
Is that where you're going to? - Mh-hm.
A few things I need.
Dawn.
I've been checking my diary.
I've been overlooking something.
So have you.
There's a 20 minute window here - 'Wind up Gareth with Dawn.
' So shall we do that? Shall we? This way, please, madam.
I'm not in the mood.
Just a quick one.
Did you see that film 'Gay Lords Say No'? - No.
Sorry.
Hello.
Could I have a quick word with everyone? I'm mainly talking to the Swindon lot here.
Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me.
You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier.
You've got to chill out.
Trust me.
This is what I do.
All right? You will never work in a place like this again.
It's brilliant.
Fact.
And you'll never have another boss like me - a chilled-out entertainer.
Some of you didn't understand the jokes and misinterpreted one and went to Jennifer.
OK.
I'm a bit annoyed you'd go to Jennifer and not me.
Who was it that complained? It's not a witch hunt.
Who was it? Two of you.
Good.
Why did you think you could go to Jennifer but not me? I don't know you and I didn't like your jokes.
You shouldn't be laughing at black people.
- Funny that only two of you thought that.
I didn't like it either.
- Right.
You're new.
You don't know me.
I'm not new and I find it offensive.
- He didn't.
What's he got to do with it? - He doesn't mind us laughing at him.
Why should only black people be offended by racism? Good point.
First sensible thing you've said all day.
I say, come one, come all, we're all the same.
Let's That's why there's only one black guy here? Wrong.
Indian fella in the warehouse.
And an Indian fella used to work up here.
He left.
Didn't like it.
Up to him.
I'd like the place to be full of 'em.
Right, Gareth? Well, half and half.
- You are half and half, aren't you? I'm mixed race.
- That's my favourite.
That's the melting pot.
Please.
So there's your racist for you.
So He said melting pot! Oh, my God! - He did! He didn't actually do the fingers.
- Let's just get on.
Let's just love each other.
Lee! Dawn? All right.