The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Pilot

All right, Jim.
Your quarterlies look very good.
- How are things at the library? - I told you.
I couldn't close it.
So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper? Actually, you called me in here, but, yeah.
All right.
Well, let me show you how it's done.
I'd like to speak to your office manager, please.
Yes, hello.
This is Michael Scott.
I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products.
Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manager.
All right.
Done deal.
Thank you very much, sir.
You're a gentleman and a scholar.
Oh, I'm sorry.
OK.
I'm sorry.
My mistake.
That was a woman I was talking to, so She had a very low voice.
Probably a smoker, so So that's the way it's done.
I've, er, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager.
If you want to come through here We have the entire floor.
So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see.
This is our receptionist, Pam.
Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beasley.
Pam has been with us for forever.
Right, Pam? Well, I don't know.
If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a few years ago.
- What? - Any messages? Er, yeah.
Just a fax.
Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate.
How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet.
- You haven't told me.
- It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that.
Look at that face.
People say I am the best boss.
They go, "We've never worked in a place like this.
You're hilarious.
"And you get the best out of us.
" I think that pretty much sums it up.
I found it at Spencer Gifts.
Shall I play for you? Pa rum pum pum pum I have no gifts for you Pa rum pum pum pum My job is to speak to clients on the phone about er, quantities and type of copier paper.
You know, whether we can supply it to them.
Whether they can pay for it.
And I'm boring myself just talking about this.
- Whassup! - Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
- Whassup! - Whassup! Whass up! Whassup.
What? - Nothing.
- OK.
All right.
- See you later.
- All right.
- Take care.
- Back to work.
Just before lunch.
That would be great.
Corporate doesn't interfere with me.
Jan Levitson Gould.
Jan, hello.
I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Right? Not to her face, because Well, not because I'm scared of her.
Cos I'm not.
But, um Yeah.
Was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda? Umm Me no get an agenda.
- What? I'm sorry? - I didn't get any agenda.
I faxed one to you this morning.
Really? I didn't Did we get a fax this morning? Uh, yeah, the one Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it? You put it in the garbage can that was the special filing cabinet.
Yeah, that was a joke.
That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and It was for bills.
It doesn't work with faxes.
- Do you want to look at mine? - Lovely.
Thank you.
OK.
Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.
- OK.
- Don't panic.
- No, this is good.
This is fine.
- Listen.
Don't panic.
- Alarm bells are ring-ding-ding! - We haven't decided.
I've spoken to Josh in Stamford and told him the same.
It's up to you to convince me your branch can incorporate the other.
But it does mean there'll be downsizing.
Me no wanna hear that, Jan.
Because downsizing is a bitch.
It is a real bitch.
And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men.
I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men.
Or women, present company excluded.
Sorry.
Er, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but downsizing? Question.
How long do we have to Todd Packer, terrific rep.
Do you mind if I take it? Go ahead.
- Packman.
- Hey, you big queen.
- That's not appropriate.
- Is old Godzillary coming in today? - I don't know what you mean.
- I've been meaning to ask her.
- Does the carpet match the drapes? - Oh, my God! Oh! That's horrifying.
Horrible.
Horrible person.
So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? - I don't want to worry people.
- Absolutely.
Under this regime, it will not leave this office.
Like that.
- So what does downsizing actually mean? - Well you guys better update your résumés like I'm doing.
I bet it's gonna be me.
Probably gonna be me.
Yeah, it'll be you.
I have an important question for you.
Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday? Stop.
That is ridiculous.
Am I going to tell them? No.
I don't see the point.
As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- This is Mr.
Scott.
- Guilty as charged! Ryan Howard from the temp agency.
Daniqua sent me to start today.
Howard, like Moe Howard.
Three Stooges.
Watch this.
This is Moe.
Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck.
Mee! Right here.
Three Stooges.
High five.
Oh, Pam.
It's a guy thing, Pam.
I'm sort of a student of comedy.
Watch this.
Here we go.
I'm Hitler.
Adolf Hitler.
I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.
I like to do illustrations.
Erm Mostly watercolor.
A few oil pencil.
Erm, Jim thinks they're good.
Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
Sure.
Mr.
Davis, let me call you right back.
Something just came up.
Two minutes.
Thank you.
- Dwight, what are you doing? - What? - Clearing my desk.
- It's not on your desk.
It's overlapping.
It's spilling over the edge.
One word, two syllables.
Demarcation.
- You can't do that.
- Why not? Safety violation.
I could fall and pierce an organ.
We'll see.
This is why the whole downsizing thing doesn't bother me.
Downsizing? I have no problem with that.
I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here.
I even brought it up in my interview.
I say, bring it on.
You have messages from yesterday.
Relax.
Everything's under control.
Er, Yeah.
Yeah.
That's important.
Right.
This is so important, I should run to answer it.
- What? - Come on.
Six Million Dollar Man.
Steve Austin.
Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan.
I deserve a raise.
- Don't we all? - I'm sorry? Nothing.
If you're unhappy with your compensation, take it up with HR.
Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional.
I think I'm a role model.
I think I garner people's respect.
Attention all employees.
We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.
The people I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope Abraham Lincoln, definitely.
Bono.
And probably God would be the fourth one.
And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words.
It's really incalculable.
I want to set the record straight.
I'm Assistant Regional Manager.
I should know first.
- Assistant to the Regional Manager.
- Can you tell me? Tell me quietly.
Whisper in my ear.
- I'm about to.
- Can you tell us? - Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em? - You don't know what it is.
You tell 'em.
With my permission.
Go ahead.
Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me.
And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.
I heard they might be closing this branch down.
That's just the rumor going around.
This is my first day.
I don't really know.
- What if they downsize here? - Not gonna happen.
- It'll be out of your hands.
- It won't be, Stanley.
I promise you that.
- Can you promise that? - On his mother's grave.
- What? - Well, yes, it is a promise.
Frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.
We need to know.
I know.
Hold on.
I think Pam wanted to say something.
Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
I was in the meeting with Jan.
She did say this branch could get the axe.
Are you sure about that? Well, maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Pam, information is power.
You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you? No, Stanley.
You did not see me in there with her.
I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, they're gonna have to go through me.
You can mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillun.
If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Er, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.
Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me.
Watch out for this guy.
Dwight Shrute in the building.
- This is Ryan, the new temp.
- Introduce yourself.
Be polite.
Dwight Shrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
So, tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Er I've got a '78280Z.
Bought it for - His profit.
- New engine, suspension, respray.
I've got some photos.
Damn it! Jim! OK.
Hold on.
The judge is in session.
What is the problem? He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Real professional.
The third time.
It wasn't funny the first two.
It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed.
I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends.
And you cannot screw around there.
That's sort of one of the rules.
- What is that? - That is my stapler.
No.
Do not take it out.
Eat it out, because there are starving people in the world which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
You can be a witness.
Can you reprimand him? - How do you know it was me? - It's always you.
- Are you going to discipline him? - Discipline.
Kinky! Here's the deal, you guys.
The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start as well as when to stop.
And, yeah, Jim.
Now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
OK.
Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Nice.
That's the way it is around here.
- It goes round and round.
- You should put him in custardy.
Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
That's great.
I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property.
That's all.
Pudding.
Pudding I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.
Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink? - Yeah.
- That's why we're all going out.
For an end-of-the-week drink.
- When are we going out? - Tonight, hopefully.
- Hey, man.
- What's going on? Hi, baby.
Roy's my fiancé.
We've been engaged about three years.
We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.
Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys? No.
Come on.
Let's get out of here and go home.
OK.
I'm gonna be a few minutes.
It's only twenty past five.
I still have to do my faxes.
You know what? You should come with us.
It could be a good chance to see what people are like outside the office.
- I think it could be fun.
- It sounds good.
Seriously, we gotta get going.
Yeah, yeah.
Um What's in the bag? - Tell her I'll talk to her later.
- Definitely.
All right, dude.
Will do.
Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard.
Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard.
I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, a boss second and probably an entertainer third.
Just a second.
Right? Oh, do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff? You are gonna be my accomplice.
Just go along with it, OK? Just follow my lead.
Don't pip me, all right? Come in.
- Corporate just said - You got a fax.
Thank you.
Can you come in here for a sec? I was gonna call you in anyway.
You know Ryan.
As you know, there is going to be downsizing.
And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
- What? Why? - Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen? Post-it Notes.
Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents? If you steal a thousand Post-it Notes at 50 cents a piece, you know, you've made a profit margin.
You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Are you serious? - Yeah.
I am.
- I can't believe this.
I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.
The best thing about it is we're not going to have to give you any severance pay.
Because that is gross misconduct and Just clean out your desk.
I'm sorry.
You been X'd, punk! Surprise! It's a joke.
We were joking around.
See? OK.
He was in on it.
He was my accomplice.
It was kind of a morale booster thing.
We were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place.
So you God, we totally got you.
You're a jerk.
I don't know about that.
What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh.
It's the people.
The people.
My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee.
No, no, no, no, no.
It was a young Guatemalan guy.
First job in the country, barely spoke English.
He came to me, and said, "Mr.
Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow.
Wow.
Didn't work out.
We had to let him go.
He sucked.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How are you? I thought you were going for a drink with No.
I just decided not to.
- How's your headache? - It's better, thanks.
- Good.
That's great.
- Is? - Yeah? - Um Are you - Am I walking out? - Yes.
- Yes, I Do you want to - Yeah.
Great.
Let me just Oh, boy.
- Listen, have a nice weekend.
- Definitely.
You too.
Enjoy it.
You know what, just come here.