The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Client

Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I got Michael's lucky tie.
No, they're in the conference room.
Are those Michael's Levi's? Yeah.
Who dry-cleans jeans? PAM: Michael and his jeans.
He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you he loves the way he looks in those jeans.
I know that's why he started Casual Fridays.
I'll take those.
This is a projection of the county's needs.
Graphs and charts.
So Somebody's really been doing their homework.
Looks like USA Today.
Thirteen schools, two hospitals JIM: So, this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal.
It's Lackawanna County, our whole county.
And if we get this, they might not have to downsize our branch.
And I could work here for years.
And years.
And years.
So when we get to the Radisson, I would like to Oh, I changed it to Chili's.
Excuse me? Radisson, it just gives out this vibe.
It's like, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson.
" It's kind of snooty.
So You had no right to do that, Michael.
Here's the thing.
"Chili's is the new golf course.
"It's where business happens.
" Small Businessman Magazine.
It said that? It will.
I sent it in.
Letter to the editor.
All right.
But you will let me run this meeting.
What? She had done a background check on me.
She had it printed out.
And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
RYAN: That is unbelievable.
What's going on? We are doing worst first dates.
Oh, my God, I win.
Okay, it was a minor league hockey game, he brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Okay, that's a joke.
No, they had to come back for me.
Wait, when was this? Um It was not that long ago.
Wait, not Roy.
Say it's not your fiance.
I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why.
Okay, let's do this thing.
Wish us luck.
Good luck, Michael.
Good luck, Jan.
Thank you.
Kiss ass.
Okay, probably going to go late tonight, burning the midnight tequila.
So, I think you all could just take off now.
Michael, this shouldn't take more than an hour.
Well Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour? No, no.
That would not be efficient.
Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here.
That's not true, I know how to delegate.
And they do more work when I'm not here.
Not more.
The same amount of work is done, whether I'm here or not.
Hey, everybody, listen up! This is what we're gonna do.
You sit tight until I return.
Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order.
Follow it blindly.
All right, ciao.
Adios! So which way is Chili's? I'll drive.
No, that's all right.
I wanna leave straight from there.
It is just a couple blocks away, so Boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you? I know Scranton.
At all! All right Have you ever been to Scranton, Jan? (SINGING) If it's a couple of blocks away, we can go together.
MICHAEL: Jan Levinson-Gould.
Jan is cold.
If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.
We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Why would we need a signal? Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal What kind of trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael? Well, it could be either of us.
You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.
MICHAEL: Hello? Christian? Yes.
I thought that was you.
Michael Scott.
This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
Just "Jan Levinson.
" And No Gould? No.
Thank you very much for meeting with us.
Have you been waiting long? No, not long.
Jan, what happened? Michael.
Is Gould dead? What Michael, we got divorced, okay? I'm so sorry, excuse me.
Wow, you're kidding me.
Do you want to talk about it? Michael.
Could we have a table for three, please? When did this happen? We're in a meeting.
WAITRESS: This way, please.
All right, after you.
Thank you.
I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.
Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years.
So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction and Awesome Blossom? What? I think we should share an Awesome Blossom.
What do you say? They are awesome.
You want to, Christian? Blossom? Sure.
Okay, it's done.
Actually, Megan? May we have an Awesome Blossom, please? Extra awesome.
Now it is done.
So, if you have a Hey, I heard a very, very funny joke the other day.
You wanna hear it? Christian, you don't have to listen to this.
We can It's okay, I like jokes.
Just the one.
Just one joke? Okay.
Well, if it's just going to be one, I will think of a different joke.
Um Let's see.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Pam, it's Michael.
I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Okay, you want me to read them? Yes.
"A fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue, "leading an animal behind him when" No, no.
Told it, not as good as you think.
Pick another one.
"There's a transcript between a naval ship" Okay! Bingo! And a lighthouse.
That is hysterical.
Could you start that one from the beginning? Sure.
"There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse" (CLOSING DRAWER) Is this real? It is a screenplay starring himself.
Agent Michael Scarn.
Of the FBI.
How long is this? Oh, Pam! Good work! Oh, wait, stop.
PAM: What is that? Oh, those are drawings.
In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head.
And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn.
Now we know what he looks like.
The first guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.
" And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.
" And the third guy says, "I got you both beat.
"I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe.
" Oh, no! No! Oh, my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? JIM: Do we all have our copy of Threat Level Midnight by Michael Scott? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
All right, let's get this started.
I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions and, Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta-Jones.
That's the character's name? Oh, yeah.
You guys should not be doing this.
Why not, Dwight? This is a movie.
I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
You took something that doesn't belong to you Dwight.
brought it in here and made copies of it.
Do you want to play the lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? (MICHAEL MIMICKING HUNGRY MONSTER) Hey, that's delicious.
I love it.
We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so Dunder Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.
Well, we are out to save money.
What's the bottom line? (GIBBERING NONSENSICALLY) That's why I wanted a signal between us, so I wouldn't have to just shout nonsense words.
That's her fault.
Did somebody say, "baby back ribs"? Hmm? Hmm? I don't think Christian has time for that I have time.
(MICHAEL TAPPING SPOON RHYTHMICALLY) (SINGING) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back I want my baby back, baby back, baby back I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back Chili's baby-back ribs I want my baby-back, baby-back "Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk.
"Catherine Zeta-Jones enters.
" "Sir, you have some messages.
" "Not now!" "They're important.
" "Okay, what are they?" "The first message is, 'I love you.
' That's from me.
" "Not in a thousand years, Catherine, we work together.
"And get off my desk.
" Yes, I have acted before.
I was in a production of Oklahoma! In the seventh grade.
I played the part of Mutie the Mailman.
They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that.
I was good.
"If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L.
" "Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.
" DWIGHT: "Thank you for noticing.
"Now, keep me company for one more mission.
" (WHISPERING) Hey, I have to work late.
RYAN: "But as soon as I blow out these candles" You're joking, right? JIM: Michael Scarn takes out a 9mm gun and shoots the cake.
(IMITATING GUN FIRING) (RYAN LAUGHING) "Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny.
" Michael's movie? Two thumbs down.
"A man, sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, "turns to Michael Scarn.
" (EXCLAIMS) Oscar? Do you want to play "Golden Face"? (CLEARING THROAT) "Mr.
Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet.
" "Yes, perhaps I would, Golden Face.
Sam, get my luggage.
" "I forget it, brother.
" "Samuel, you are such an idiot.
"You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting.
" "Dwigt.
" Wait, who's Dwigt? PAM: Here's what we think happened.
Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie, is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L.
Chang using a search and replace.
But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt.
" And Dwight figured it out.
Oops! D-W-l-G-H-T.
Okay, you know what? I am done with this.
That's it.
The end.
JIM: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, if you don't You don't speak for everyone, Jim.
Okay, announcement.
My uncle bought me some fireworks.
And anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.
JIM: That's actually a good idea.
We'll all take a brief intermission.
Hey, are you hungry? Yeah.
Yeah? And so, after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise that I made to her, and take care of her.
(EXCLAIMING) Well, this brings us to Jan.
Truth or dare.
Tell us about your divorce.
Oh, no! Michael.
Michael, please.
Do, right? Really.
It's Hey, you say you're not gonna play.
She's not playing.
She's not playing the game.
It isn't fair.
We'd been fighting for a while.
Check, please.
He didn't want kids.
I knew that going into it, but he also knew that I did.
So I guess I thought that he would change his mind, he thought that I would change mine.
You didn't? I was stupid.
No, no, you were not stupid.
Gould was stupid, right? That's right.
You know? You were really brave.
I mean, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
That's true.
You said, "World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours.
"So love me.
" JIM: I had plans to meet a friend tonight, which I had to cancel.
But this is cool, too.
I'm not a complainer.
For the bugs.
And that's excellent because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.
(WHOOPING) Yeah! Yes! Right down the street? Kenneth Road, born and raised.
Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on moving.
I know this place.
I know how many hospitals we have.
I know how many schools we have.
It's home, you know? I know the challenges that this county is up against.
Here's the thing about those discount suppliers, they don't care.
They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business.
And then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
I know.
It's bad.
It's terrible.
It is.
You know what? It really is.
(SHUSHING) I don't know.
I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me halfway, okay, because they're expecting me to make cuts.
Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but you think we could, Jan? So I guess I'll see you in What are you gonna do with your time off? Travel.
I've been looking forward to it.
It's gonna be really nice.
I'm gonna find myself.
You have new music? Yeah.
Yes! We did it.
We got it! I mean, we got it! We nailed it! Nailed it! Come here.
Yes! I am really thrilled.
Let's go.
What? Let's go.
Going Okay.
Where're we going? Doesn't matter.
Going to the go-go.
Michael? Michael? Michael? His car's not in the parking lot.
I should check the accident reports.
Who's this? Jan.
(BEEPING) Good morning, Pam.
No, nothing happened.
I swear.
Nothing happened.
What? I'm totally being serious.
A gentleman does not kiss and tell.
And neither do I.
No, seriously, guys, I'm not (STUTTERING) I don't want to go into it at all.
It's off-limits.
I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while.
It was great.
I mean, she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm, so Hello, Dwight.
Did you do her? Who? Jan Levinson-Gould.
No, no.
No Gould.
Did you do her? This is none of your affair.
Because she is your boss And she is your boss.
And she is a woman.
She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman.
And you know what? I don't think I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor.
Jan, I defend your honor.
Is that all? (WHISPERING) Jan didn't come back for her car last night.
(WHISPERING) What? Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta? Oh, I don't know.
This is Jan's cell.
No way.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR.
My question, do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know.
That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship.
(PHONE RINGING) It's Excuse me.
Hello? Hi.
Just talking about you.
To the camera? No.
How's traffic? I miss you.
What? Okay.
Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake.
Could you just No, I did not intentionally get you drunk.
No, no.
This is just a fight.
This is just the first of many fights we're going to have.
No! See, you I don't understand.
You want to see other people? Only other people? Why? Okay, I think you're still a little bit drunk.
Excuse me.
Excuse me? I think you're Yes, why don't you just come back here? We can go to the hotel, have a few drinks.
No, I didn't slip you something.
Some might even say we had our first date last night.
Oh, really? Really.
Why might some say that? 'Cause there was dinner by candlelight.
Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie.
And there was dancing and fireworks.
Pretty good date.
We didn't dance.
You're right.
We didn't dance.
It was more like swaying.
But it's still romantic.
Swaying isn't dancing.
At least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.
I have some faxes to get out.
Oh, come on, Pam.
I JIM: Okay, we didn't dance.
And I was totally joking, anyway.
I mean It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance.