The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Booze Cruise

Jim! What's up, buddy? This is not funny.
Why is my stuff in here? JIM: That's weird.
A dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.
Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, 'cause you're friends with the vending machine guy.
Who, Steve? Yeah, Steve.
Whatever his name is.
What do I want? What do I want? (EXCLAIMS) It's a pencil cup.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's my pencil cup.
I don't think so, I just bought it.
I think so, and you're gonna hand it over to me.
I love these.
Okay, fine.
Where's my wallet? There it is.
Here, you know what? I don't have any I've got some nickels.
05, $0.
10, $0.
15, $0.
20, $0.
25 Hello, everyone.
Good morning, Michael.
Where are we going this afternoon? (EXCLAIMING) Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
"It's time for our first-quarter camaraderie event.
"So pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes and a ski mask.
" A ski mask and a swimsuit.
So that he can have us rob a bank and then escape through the sewers.
And brush our teeth.
Stanley, bo-banley.
I need to know Banana-fana-fo-fanley.
what we're doing.
Me, my, mo, manly.
You said bring a toothbrush.
Is this an overnight? Maybe.
The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it? Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow? Maybe.
I don't know.
Not maybe.
Yes or no? Well, no, but Okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
In January? It's cheaper.
This is not just another party.
This is a leadership training exercise.
Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.
It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat.
We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack.
Yes! It's a booze cruise.
All right! I have a test for business school tomorrow night.
Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that? No, this is mandatory.
But don't worry.
You know what? You're gonna learn plenty.
This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.
I'm already in business school.
Well, this KELLY: Wait, Michael.
Yeah? Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit? To throw you off the scent.
Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
I took the tags off already.
Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just We're not gonna pay for a bathing suit.
Okay, I know what you're all thinking.
"Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda something, and she is from Corporate.
And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
I am a great motivational speaker.
I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year and It wasn't the actual course.
You have to pay for the actual course.
But it talked about the actual course.
And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
Leader ship.
The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership" as its derivation.
So if this office is in fact a ship, as its leader, I am the captain.
But we're all in the same boat.
Teamwork! Last year, Michael's theme was "Bowl over the competition.
" So guess where we went.
Now, on this ship that is the office, what is the sales department? Anyone? How about the sales department is the sails? Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales.
Let me just explain.
I see the sales department as the furnace.
A furnace? How old is this ship? How about the anchor? PHYLLIS: What does the furnace do? All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace.
It's just It's the sales I see the sales department are down there.
They're in the engine room, and they're shoveling coal into the furnace.
Right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic.
Who saw it? Show of hands.
Not really sure what movie you're talking about.
Are you sure you got the title right? Titanic.
I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
No! I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on! Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Thank you, spoiler alert.
You saw the movie, those of you who did.
You They're happy down there in the furnace room.
And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty.
And they're singing their ethnic songs and Actually, that might be warehouse.
What? The No, no No, I didn't Okay.
Well, the Okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is "leadership.
" We'll talk more about that on the boat.
Aye-aye, Captain.
(MICHAEL SINGING) A three hour tour A three hour tour MICHAEL: Pam, you are Mary Ann.
We have the Professor and Ginger.
Welcome aboard! Angela, you are Mrs.
Howell, Lovey.
The native.
Sometimes they come from neighboring We have one of the Globetrotters.
I am the Skipper, and, Dwight, you will be Gilligan! Cool! Actually, I'm the skipper.
But you could be Gilligan.
No! I'd rather die.
I am Michael Scott.
I am the captain of this party.
(EXCLAIMS) I'm Captain Jack.
I'm captain of the ship.
I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on this ship.
Hi, welcome aboard.
In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain.
On a boat, who knows? It's nebulous.
Hey, look! I'm king of the world! (MICHAEL WHOOPING) (DWIGHT WHOOPING) (CAPTAIN JACK CLAPPING) CAPTAIN JACK: Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack.
And I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott.
Welcome, welcome! Okay, so Okay, so Please.
The life preservers Right.
they are located underneath the seats all along the perimeter of the boat.
Don't worry, you are not gonna be needing life preservers tonight.
Well, we might be.
It's just gonna be Please let me finish.
Okay? Thank you.
Well So the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are.
Now, on this ship, it's very easy.
Anywhere over the side.
(LAUGHING) Not only am I your ship's captain, I am also your party captain! (WHOOPING) We're gonna get it going here in just a few minutes.
And I'm your party captain, too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! Hey, Mike, Mike, Mike.
So we are gonna If you don't mind rock it! What? Please! Okay? If the boat's rocking, don't come knocking! Michael.
Yeah? Your company employees are not the only people on the boat tonight.
Okay? We're all gonna have a good time tonight.
Hey, listen, listen, Mike.
Why don't you let me and my crew do our job? You just sit back and have a good time.
So All right? You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table.
(LAUGHING) Right? Yeah.
Pam, were you a cheerleader? No, she was total "Miss Artsy-Fartsy" in high school.
She wore the turtleneck and everything.
That's hilarious.
It's not hilarious Where did you go to school? Bishop O'Hare.
His-slop-who-cares-a? We played you! You really look familiar.
Did you You cheered for them, didn't you? No.
Yes, I did.
(SINGING) A-W-E-S-O-M-E Awesome, awesome is what we are We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E ROY: I remember that, and we crushed you, like, 42-10.
Having fun? Yeah.
Everybody's really nice.
Good, well, that is what Scranton is all about.
Not like you New Yorkers! So When are you gonna start the presentation? I already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing.
So, right now, I was thinking.
Yes, okay! Listen up, all you Dunder Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers.
Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.
Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo! (DWIGHT WHOOPING) So, okay.
All right, I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick! Who's it gonna be? Okay.
Me, me, me.
Usually it's a woman.
I'm stronger.
Hey, I got an idea.
How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight? Keep us on a steady course.
Keep a sharp eye out.
I'm counting on you.
I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history.
When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him.
And I was four and I was great.
And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
(BAND PLAYING PEPPY MUSIC) (PEOPLE CHEERING) All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest! Why don't we do that after I do my presentation? Nope.
Dance contest! All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! (BAND PLAYING DANCE MUSIC) Yeah! Okay! Dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body! And communicate! Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things.
Sometimes you have to just be the boss dancing.
(SINGING) What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor Early in the morning? Come inside and talk to me.
I can't.
Do you want us to run aground, woman? Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! Yeah! Who's next? Come on! Pammy, come on! Come on! No, I'm not doing that.
Come on! (ALL CHATTERING) Hey, why don't we find, like, a quieter place to hang out? No, I just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot.
Just a minute.
Come on.
Darryl! Darryl! It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
(LAUGHING) "Darryl, Darryl, Darryl!" Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
I mean, I don't know.
So What's it like dating a cheerleader? (PAM CHUCKLING) I'm cold.
So, what's this presentation all about? See? This is of general interest.
It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy.
What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save? Women and children.
No, no, salesmen and profit centers.
That's a stupid analogy.
Well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.
Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone coastal patrol boat during Desert Storm.
Wow, you should be the motivational speaker.
Him? Okay.
Yeah, he gives me real responsibility, Michael.
Captain Jack delegates.
He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.
I'd like to be engaged.
How did you manage to pull that off? (LAUGHS) I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight.
So you don't want to ask my advice.
Suppose your office building's on fire, Jim, who would you save? Let's see The customer, because the customer is king.
Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
He's just sucking up.
When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, and I wasn't thinking about some customer.
I was thinking about my first wife.
The day I got back on shore, I married her.
You know what? I would save the receptionist.
I just wanted to clear that up.
ROY: Everybody, could I get your attention for just a second? Can you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important and Pam, I think enough is enough.
I think we should set a date for our wedding.
(ALL CHEERING) How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, baby! MAN 1: Yeah! Congratulations! Congratulations! MAN 2: Yeah! Yeah! Oh, my God! I love you, baby! Congratulations! (PEOPLE CHEERING) You know what, I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices.
Right? Did I motivate you? No, it's Captain Jack.
Well Captain Jack.
Could have been either one of us, because we pretty much were saying the same thing.
Congratulations! That is great! We gotta celebrate! ALL: Yeah! (SCREAMING) CAPTAIN JACK: Hey, hey, hey! I got an idea, I got an idea.
I could marry you right now as captain of the ship.
MAN: Yes! I could marry you as Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin! No, no, no.
I want my mom and dad to be there.
Then I'll give you away! No, thank you.
(BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC) Do you think that'll ever be us? No.
What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight? I don't know.
Let's break up.
What? This is where old Captain Jack drives the boat.
Wow! (MEREDITH LAUGHS) Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Captain Jack's a fart-face.
(RETCHING) I'm on medication.
Really? What? Vomacillin.
(CLEARING THROAT) Okay, all right.
It's time to be boss.
Time to motivate.
Let's blow some minds here.
Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Cool it.
Everybody? Dunder Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I've some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody.
Right now.
Listen up.
The ship is sinking.
Okay? We're going down right now.
Just wrap your heads around the reality of that.
Please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone.
In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake, and there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat.
Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario.
Right? It's a scary It's a predicament.
Hey! What the hell is going on here? And it's something that each and every one of us have to think about.
I'm in the brig.
See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised.
What is the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now, and not all wet.
(SIGHING) Is somebody there? What happened to you? (SIGHING) Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking? Yeah.
He just totally lost it.
If you ask me, he caused the panic.
What a night.
Well, it's nice for you.
Your friend got engaged.
She was always engaged.
Roy said the first one didn't count.
That's great.
You know, to tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam.
So Really? You're kidding me.
You and Pam? Wow! I would have never put you two together.
You really hid it well.
God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that.
You know I made out with Jan.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, Pam is cute.
She's really funny, and she's warm, and she's just Anyway.
Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
She's engaged.
Engaged ain't married.
Never, ever, ever give up.
DWIGHT: Don't worry, Michael.
I'm taking us to shore.
It's a fake wheel, dummy.