The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Michael's Birthday

So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Who is this guy again? Don't worry about Phil.
He drives a Corvette.
He's doing just fine.
Okay.
Calling cards are the wave of the future.
These things sell themselves.
Who uses calling cards anymore? You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan.
I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.
Yes, thank you.
You will get rich quick.
We all will.
Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, that one from the e-mail? You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help.
His father ran the freaking country, okay? All right, so raise your hand if you wanna get rich.
All right.
No.
How is this not a pyramid scheme? All right, let me explain, again.
(MICHAEL GRUNTING) MICHAEL: Phil has recruited me and another guy.
Now we are getting three people each.
The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all gonna make.
It's not a pyramid scheme.
It is a It's not even a scheme, per se.
It's I have to go make a call.
Happy birthday, Michael.
What? I said, "Happy birthday.
" Thank you.
That's really nice.
Today is my B-day.
And people around here just go crazy for it.
I don't know why.
Oh, fun fact.
I share my birthday with Eva Longoria.
So, I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.
You excited? Everybody freaking out? Cool.
It's gonna be fun.
You're late.
Thank you, it's noon.
But, I forgive you.
Because doth, it is my birthday.
What's up? JIM: Hi.
Oh, happy birthday.
Thank you, sir.
JIM: Michael's birthday.
It's pretty fun to watch, actually.
He gets very excited and then he eats a lot of cake.
And then he runs around the office.
And then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon.
And then he falls asleep.
And that's when we get our work done.
Did you hear anything yet? No.
I'm still waiting.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yeah.
Yes.
There he is, the birthday boy.
Oh, God.
Birthday hug.
No, no, no, no.
New suit.
Please.
That suit is amazing.
Thank you very much.
It is from Italy.
Actually, Bulgaria.
So Maybe I should get one.
Good luck.
One-of-a-kind.
EBay.
Question: May I be in charge of the party planning festivities? Not necessary.
The Party Planning Committee is all over it.
They've been working 24l7, all day, yesterday.
Excellent.
On my part, I did manage to reserve the Don't! No.
Please.
Don't want to spoil it for anybody.
Don't spoil the surprise.
Let's get the party started.
Let's get the party started.
Not the way I taught you.
(HUMMING) When should we bring out the cake, I'm sorry, are we boring you? I Party Planning Committee, listen up.
Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Where do we get those? Not my problem.
Here's a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.
Michael wants a stripper gram? Yes, but he doesn't want to know when or whom.
No.
This is a closed-door meeting.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Yeah.
PAM: Michael, I have Jan on the line.
Oh, great, put her through.
Okay.
JAN: Hello, Michael? Hey, you.
I'm returning your call.
You said it was urgent.
It is urgent.
I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Well, today's not my birthday.
So Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.
Happy birthday, Michael.
Thanks.
Am I on camera? Nope.
Totally private.
You can say whatever is in your heart.
(HANGING UP) You can take a five if you want.
Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Man, I'm so sorry.
When do you find out? They said this afternoon.
They're waiting on a second opinion.
Oh, okay.
Second opinion on what? I might have skin cancer.
Oh, no.
I was watching Grey's Anatomy and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer, too.
Kelly, you know what I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died.
That was the saddest funeral ever.
That and my sister's.
Who brought in donuts? Somebody got donuts for my birthday.
Happy birthday.
You didn't know it was my birthday? I guess I forgot.
Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.
Are you serious? Skin cancer is treatable.
Right.
It's gonna be okay.
You don't know it's going to be okay.
Don't give him false hope.
It's probably nothing though.
Hi.
Delivery for Michael Scott.
MICHAEL: Here we go.
Okay, this is great.
Thank you, my friends.
She is perfect.
Dwight, may I have your chair, please? And some singles if you will? All right.
Okay.
All right.
This has arms.
Is that gonna be a Is that all right? Sure.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
I'm so nervous.
I can sign for it.
Oh, thanks.
When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids.
And I got a really bad rash from the pony.
And all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside.
And my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours and I never came outside.
And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner.
So that was my worst birthday.
Stop it! Stop! What is that? It's For The Longest Time by William Joel.
Yeah.
It's your favorite song.
Yeah, when it's on the radio.
My birthday blows.
Nobody even signed my birthday poster.
Apparently, my mother is the only one who cares enough to send me anything.
I probably care more than she does.
You're making it worse.
I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this.
When does he hear? Sometime today.
Poor Kevin.
If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe.
And South America.
And the Grand Canyon.
And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean.
It would be a pretty busy week.
That's a list price of $4.
50.
(WATCH ALARM BEEPING) Unfortunately, this item is on back-order.
Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael! Come here, come here, come here, come here.
What? What? Listen up, everyone.
It is 11:23 exactly.
The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.
So, huh? Right, have a seat please.
Oh, God.
There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Oh, no.
So come over and help me celebrate Michael's birth moment.
Kevin! Oh, no, no, no! I'll do it.
Ryan, come on.
DWIGHT: Creed.
Let's do this.
DWIGHT: Come on, Stanley, let's go! I feel like we should go get Kevin something.
Do you think we can sneak out of here? Maybe, but we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion and DWIGHT: On three, we're gonna hoist away.
Ready? Okay.
Happy birth moment, Michael.
Thank you.
One! Two! Three! Whoa, Whoa! Cut All right, all right, watch it please.
DWIGHT: Oscar.
It wasn't me.
Okay, that is not an 8-foot sub.
We don't make an 8-foot sub.
This is eight 1-foot subs.
F.
All right, what's the damage? $39.
60.
$39.
Sixty.
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair.
I did, however, tip my urologist.
Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Here they come.
Get in here.
Come and get it.
Everybody, birthday party subs.
My gift to you.
OSCAR: What is this? Baloney, tomato and ketchup.
The best.
These are all the same.
Yes.
Baloney? I don't eat baloney.
Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup.
It's still good.
No.
Just the bread.
It's fresh-baked.
No.
Okay.
Get whatever you want.
And choke on it.
When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie.
But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with.
So she went out with him on my birthday.
And she got him a cake at the restaurant, and it wasn't even his birthday.
But I heard about it the next day in school.
So, that was the worst birthday I think I ever had.
So, we got Kev some stuff.
Party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy.
A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie.
And he lent it to Creed, so I can guarantee you he won't get that back.
Sixty-nine Cup of Noodles.
Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number.
And his favorite lunch.
Hey, Temp, you know we still got five feet of sandwich left.
Someone ate three feet of that thing? Hell, yeah.
Save room for ice cream cake.
Thank you.
Oh, I got it.
Wait.
It's the Party Planning Committee.
(WHISPERING) This is the most important day of the year.
I can't risk anything.
Fine.
What about that meeting later to discuss finances? Yes.
(WHISPERING) But don't expect any cookie.
But what if I'm hungry? No cookie.
What? You use fabric softener? Yeah.
You don't? No, I do.
Okay.
ALL: Happy birthday dear Michael (CELL PHONE RINGING) Happy birthday to you Hello.
Hey.
Kevin, respect the birthday, please? No.
No, not yet.
I will.
Goodbye.
It was just Daisy.
MICHAEL: Are you done? Good.
Okay.
I'm gonna Here we go.
Make a wish.
blow out the candles.
Okay.
(DWIGHT CHEERING EXCITEDLY) Yeah! I asked for trick candles.
Pam was supposed to get them.
Sorry.
Okay.
Well, when she comes back we'll do it again.
Hello? What about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.
No one cares about your birthday.
Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Oh, that sucks! Great.
Wow, that's good timing.
That's Sorry, that's terrible.
Terrible news.
That's terrible news for both of us.
We should probably head back.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, I dare you to make an announcement.
You dare me? How old are you? Just quit stalling.
Luke, this is your father.
Come set the table for dinner.
Such a dork.
Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener.
The kind with the cute Ma'am, please don't touch that.
That is not a toy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
How old are you? I hate you.
Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is terrible.
Here you are.
Good news.
Did some research.
It turns out that fully recover.
It's still scary.
Yeah, but it's not brain cancer, and it shouldn't stop us from having fun.
You know what they say the best medicine is? Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine.
And laughter also.
I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
I work here.
"I work here.
" All right.
Well, you know what? Since Toby doesn't speak for everybody, and I am your boss, I think you should just go home.
Take the rest of the afternoon off.
Take a sick day.
If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.
Well, you're pretty much driving everybody else here crazy.
Crazy with worry.
Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, because I kicked in all the stalls.
Well, that's an invasion of privacy, so I'm gonna tell Michael.
Please, don't.
You owe me.
Excuse me, everyone.
Attention, please.
Kevin, we're gonna take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Is this trip in any way related to your birthday? How dare you, sir.
You are gross.
That should not be there.
I'll get someone to take it down.
No, it's all right.
It's already up.
Just leave it.
Where's Kevin? Come on, let's get our skate on! Don't be scared.
You're good.
You're good.
JIM: I wanna go Think you can let go? No.
(JIM EXCLAIMING) Okay.
Yeah! Who's that? Was that Michael? Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life.
I thought about playing in the NHL, but you're on the road so much.
You get no time to spend with your wife and kids.
And I really want a wife and kids.
(GROWLING) (LAUGHING) I got it.
Hey, Pam.
All the stuff with Kevin is pretty scary.
And I'm thinking that next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out.
You know, give yourself an exam.
Those things are like ticking time-bags.
All right? Think about it.
It's something to think about.
I just can't relax about it, you know? MICHAEL: Kevin! You heard anything yet? No, not yet.
Okay.
Well, live strong.
Okay, Michael.
All right.
CAROL: Michael? Yeah.
Carol? Yeah.
She sold me my condo.
Hey, what, is this place on the market or No, I don't just sell real estate.
My daughter has a skating lesson.
Oh, these all your kids? No, just the front two.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
What's up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? Sure.
Cool.
All right, grab on.
Here we go.
You ready? Hang on tight.
All right.
We are moving.
We are really moving now! (ELECTRONIC BEEPING) (CELL PHONE RINGING) MICHAEL: Push.
Good, that's great.
You got it.
Excuse me.
Hello? Yeah, okay.
All right.
Okay, I will.
Thanks.
It's negative.
Oh, God! We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna Come here.
Well, apparently, in the medicine community, "negative" means "good," which makes absolutely no sense.
In the real world community that would be chaos.
This is awesome.
Thanks, you guys.
Okay, who is this from? Wowee, look at that jersey! Turn it around.
Turn it around.
Cool.
Show it.
Great.
"From Dwight.
Number One.
" Thank you, Dwight.
That's great.
Thanks.
Michael.
Yeah.
This is from all of us.
Oh, you didn't need to do that.
Night Swept.
This is really amazing.
Thank you.
I love it.
Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool.
It was a good day.
I don't know.
It was a good day.