The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Safety Training

Good morning, Pam.
Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Drew.
I'm Drew now.
Oh, Drew.
Sorry.
Apology not accepted.
Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place.
Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident.
But after five weeks in anger management, I'm back, and I've got a new attitude and a new name and a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.
Morning, Jim.
Hey, Andy.
How are you, man? Good.
Drew.
What's that? You can call me Drew.
No, I'm not gonna call you that.
Cool.
I can't control what you do.
I can only control what I do.
Andy.
Drew.
Dwight.
How's it going, man? Yes.
I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years.
Which I'm looking forward to.
It's an Amish technique.
It's like slapping someone with silence.
I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned? Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Okay.
Tell him that that's not true.
Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Okay.
No, Jim.
You guys.
Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run.
Jim, tell him! Andy No, it's too far.
Damn you.
Today is safety training day.
Toby is leading ours upstairs.
But I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat.
We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation at the warehouse.
And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
Now, this is the forklift.
You need a license to operate this machine.
That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it.
Quiz.
Mike.
Should you drive the forklift? I can and I have.
No, no, no! I said, "Should you?" You should not drive it.
You should not drive the forklift.
You understand? You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
It's not safe.
You don't have a license.
Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift.
Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge.
I thought your name was Pudge.
No.
It's always been Madge.
Okay.
Her.
Her? Yes, "Her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine.
You are not.
Okay? Fine.
Do you understand that? Yes.
We do safety training every year or after an accident.
We've never made it a full year.
This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging? And I fell and busted my ankle and I'm legitimately scared for my workers.
The baler can flatten a car engine.
It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Yeah! How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler? Bale 'er? I hardly know her.
Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.
Anybody want to take a guess? Five bucks says it's over fifty.
You really want to bet? Anybody? Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
How many? Okay.
You're on.
Ten people.
Michael.
Ten people.
Would you like to be one of them? No, don't worry about it.
We'll just go double or nothing.
On what? I don't know.
I'll figure something out.
Nice.
What are you guys talking about? These are very dangerous machines down here and the upstairs workers Michael? should not go anywhere near them.
Yes.
Yes.
But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world It would be the worst thing in the world.
It would.
What the hell is wrong with this man? Very much so.
It's a big red trash compactor.
It's not a trash compactor! It's very dangerous, okay.
Don't disrespect a baler, Mike.
All right, all right, I got it! I got it! Only on the rarest of occasions would I go near No, you don't touch it! There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay? Toby now has the floor and he is going to try not to screw this up like everything else in his life.
Let me rephrase that.
I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl.
Here we go! Okay, one thing you're going to want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome.
It's recommended that you take a 10-minute break from typing every hour.
For your circulation, you're going to want to get up out of your chairs and move around for about 10 minutes every hour.
Yes.
Good.
Fine.
Like stretching and Yeah, your computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so it's also recommended that you step away for about 10 minutes every hour.
Wow? That is That time really adds up.
That's like a half an hour, every hour? Take them at the same time.
Okay.
You know what? You're making it sound kind of lame.
So skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff.
Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not? No.
No.
You always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort in case it gets drafty.
What about a long-sleeved tee? That will work.
Long johns? A shawl? You know, anything that warms you.
Okay, you know what, I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom.
Sorry.
He is very lame.
Let's see.
Seasonal affective disorder.
A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it? Okay.
Guys, you know what? I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Actually, you did.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's do another one.
This is a good one.
A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary lifestyle which can contribute Sedentary.
Yes.
Which can contribute to heart disease.
Heart disease kills more people than balers.
That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
No.
No, it's sedentary.
Yeah, that's fat butt disease.
That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael? Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Yeah? Yeah.
I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you? Ryan! Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
What? Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman.
Please apologize.
Are you kidding me? All right, we out of here.
Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours, so Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
Yes.
That's what we've been trying to tell you, Mike.
It's serious down there.
We do dangerous stuff, man.
This is shenanigans, foolishness.
Nerf ball.
You live a sweet little nerfy life sitting on your biscuit never having to risk it.
Okay.
What? So, Nerf isn't cool anymore? Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse.
Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse.
Men's Wearhouse.
I was a greeter.
I'd like to see Darryl greet people.
He'd probably make them feel like wimps.
Not me, I Hello, I'm Michael.
Welcome to Men's Wearhouse.
We have a special on khaki pants today.
This is one example.
Ten.
Really? Ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.
There's, like, Forty-two.
I'm going to say 50.
Don't be that person.
Oh, come on.
That is lame.
It's a strategy.
It's called being smart.
Thank you.
Oh, jeez.
I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun.
Ten.
Ten's out.
Damn it! Forty-seven, 48, forty-nine.
Jim wins.
That is not fair.
He has spent hours up here at reception with you.
Hours and hours.
Okay.
Okay.
No, constantly.
Like for years.
Okay.
Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right? I don't understand the question.
Working in an office can lead to depression, which can lead to suicide.
I mean this is really serious stuff.
Yeah.
Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler.
And yet those guys are making fun of me, calling me a Nerf.
That It's really hard to demonstrate depression.
Their safety training had visuals.
Yeah.
You are so right.
They have visual aids and all we had were the facts.
You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity.
You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball and your hair sticks up straight.
And you know science.
So, you're okay? Indubitably.
They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Idiots! God, what are we going to do? I don't know.
I don't know.
Because you know what our killer is? Depression.
Wolves.
Depression.
Visual aids.
Yes.
A quilt.
A depression quilt.
No time to sew a quilt.
I got it.
Get me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.
You may be asking yourself what am I doing on a trampoline? Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress and then move on with my day.
Not.
Here's a plan.
Dwight is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys and we're going to have another safety seminar.
Only this time, where's Michael? Oh, my God, he is on the roof.
And now I have got their attention.
I tell them about the cold hard facts of depression.
And then I say, "Hey, you ever seen a suicide?" And I jump.
And they freak out.
And they get to see the dangers of depression with their own eyes.
Nice side note, they might think, "Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.
" But that's not why I'm doing this.
Then I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun.
I climb off, walk around the corner, ta-freaking-da.
So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue.
So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera.
And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome.
And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome.
But guess what, now I want to see Love Actually again, but it's at the bottom of the queue.
Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this.
I go online, I go click, click, click and I change the order of the queue, so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to.
It's so easy, Ryan.
Do you really not know how Netflix works? I guess I forgot.
You're such a ditz.
Ryan, well done.
Two minutes, 42 seconds.
Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times.
And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops! Maybe we should test this first.
Letterman style.
Throw a TV over or We measured it once.
Go buy some watermelons.
Seedless? Just Creed is eating an apple.
I found a potato.
Hey, Creed.
Hey.
Yes! Here you go.
What? Nice! I don't know this place as well as I thought I did.
I'm getting cleaned out.
Ready? Let's do it.
Drop that sucker.
Yeah! Bingo! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Okay.
Find out whose car that is.
If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P.
Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Got it.
Also, take apart the trampoline.
Stick it in the baler.
We're not allowed to use the baler.
Have Padge do it or the sea monster.
I'm on it.
I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Thank you.
It means nothing.
I need you to do something for me.
Anything.
Okay, calm down.
I need you to acquire an inflatable house andlor castle.
You mean a Moonbounce.
What do you think? You've got an hour.
I'm going to need petty cash.
Shunning resumed.
Do you want a drawbridge? Un-shun.
Yeah, that sounds good.
Re-shun.
Oh, yeah, this is much better.
It's safer.
Excellent decision.
Yes.
Thank you for seeing that.
When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old.
These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
I don't know if I want to do this.
Want to do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.
No.
No more.
The tests are going terrible.
If we keep doing them, I'm not going to want to jump.
This is about doing, not thinking.
Right! Doing! Totally doing! Let's rock and roll! Rock and roll! Yeah! That's right, I'm not thinking! Yes! Yeah! Michael is awesome Jumping off the roof Bouncing on a bouncy thing Show them who is boss Rip a hole in the sun! I am ready to do this! I'm ready to make a point! Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
What's the situation? Un-shun.
I think he's suffering from depression.
Re-shun.
Okay, when is the shunning thing going to end? Un-shun.
Never.
Re-shun.
I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.
Is it nice outside? It's gorgeous.
Let's go! Do I need my jacket? No, it really is.
It's very nice.
Come on! Will I be too warm in a long-sleeved tee? Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Hurry up, you guys! My life! Oh, my life! Michael, what's wrong? Everything's wrong.
The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression! Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Depression is a very serious illness.
Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Is that the last year the data was available? Yes.
My head is in such pain and turmoil.
Don't do anything rash.
Dwight, where are the warehouse guys? I didn't I didn't think you needed them for this part.
Okay.
That's You said to just That's the whole point, dummy.
Okay.
I'm on it.
Okay? Attention, blue-collar workers! What are the odds that this is in any way real? I'd say, like, 10,000 to one.
Okay, I'd like 10 bucks on those odds.
If someone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it.
If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.
Michael is up on the roof and he's acting strange.
Oh, my life.
Michael, what's wrong? Everything is wrong, Dwight.
The stress of my modern office has made me depressed.
Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? Dwight, you ignorant slut! Well, you know, the first performance was a little off, but I really think they hit their stride in the second show.
I might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.
And that is why Oh, excuse me.
It's my favorite part.
I am going to jump off this roof! This is just offensive.
At least we're outside.
Hey, check it out, there's a castle over there.
Oh, my God, there is a castle.
No.
There's nothing to see over there, people.
There's nothing to see.
They found the castle, Michael.
Damn it! Oh, God.
Oh, my God, he's going to jump.
He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hey, Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle.
You can't do that 'cause you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Hey, Michael, I have a present for you but you have to come down and get it.
What is it? Come down and open it and you'll see.
Dwight, find out what the present is.
Okay, I don't see anything.
She might be bluffing.
Dwight.
Dwight.
It's a A Repliee-Q-One-Expo female robot.
They're only available in Japan.
Dwight, you are such a liar.
Pam, really what is it? Mike, this is the opposite of safety.
You jump, you're going to seriously hurt yourself.
You told me that I lead a A cushy, wimpy Nerf life.
Yeah.
But I never said you had nothing to live for.
What do I have to live for? A lot of things.
You What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man.
It's going good, right? It's complicated with Jan.
And I don't know where I stand or what I want.
The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Mike, you're a very brave man.
I mean it takes courage just to be you.
To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
Do you really mean that? I couldn't do it.
I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.
I'm braver than you? Way braver.
You Braveheart, man.
I Braveheart.
I am.
Come on down, okay? Okay.
Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.
An office is as safe as the people in it.
And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office.
That's the danger I found myself in today.
I saved a life.
My own.
Am I a hero? I really can't say, but yes.