The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Fun Run

Okay.
Well I did not get the job in New-York.
But I got the real prize domestic bliss.
Jan made me breakfast this morning.
Well, she bought the milk.
It's soy.
This is why I do it.
That's what I have to come home to.
She probably won't be up for a few hours.
This is going be a very good year.
Very good.
Jan is at home.
Jim is back.
My protégé Ryan is at corporate.
Good stuff.
Andy and Dwight are rocking the sales team.
I feel very blessed.
Generally it's not a good idea to click on any internet offers that you haven't requested.
What was the exact offer? It was for a video.
Yeah, well, what kind of video? A cebrity sex tape.
Really? What kind of celebrity? - Not relevant.
- How much you paid for it? - You paid for it? - It all happened so fast! I broke up with Karen after the job interview.
And, uh It was a little awkward when she came back from the city.
She told me very clearly that just because we were broken up doesn't mean that she was going anywhere, because she had worked really hard for her career.
But the next day, her desk was empty.
And as for me and my current romantic life I, uh I'm single now and looking.
So if you know anybody Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York.
I talked him through his breakup.
It's really nice to be good friends again.
Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up.
All they do is smile.
They're just keeping it a secret.
Right? I don't know.
There is no evidence of intimacy.
They've been in remarkably good moods.
Could other things.
Are you kidding me? And sunday, I'm thinking of going to that flea market at the drive-in.
Oh, that sounds fun.
I'm mountain biking on sunday in montage mountain.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Well, have fun with that.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I have some bad news.
Meredith was hit by a car.
- What? - Where? It happened this morning in the parking lot.
I took her to the hospital.
And the doctors tried to save her life.
They did the best that they could.
And she is going to be okay.
What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that? - So she's really going to be fine? - Yes.
She has a slight pelvical fracture.
But people have survived far worse.
Thank God you were there.
Yeah.
Did you see who did it? No need.
We can just check the security tapes.
Yeah, kind of a good news/bad news there.
I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Who was driving? Oh, Michael.
One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway.
I wonder who he ran over then.
- It's only Meredith.
- Yeah, it's only Meredith.
Thank God.
But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
- Why did you it? - It was an accident.
- Was she talking back? - No.
Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances? Hey, guys.
We're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch.
And we're kicking in $5 for flowers.
Who's we? You and Jim? No, me and Stanley and Phyllis so far.
I bet Jim goes too.
I haven't asked him yet.
- I bet you ask.
- I was planning on it.
I bet you were.
Angela? Are you coming? I can't.
Sprinkles is sick.
She's been sick for some time.
Thank you for asking.
No one asks about Sprinkles.
I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her.
And who will she eat lunch with? Can't your other cats keep her company? There's bad blood.
Jealousies, cliques.
Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee.
I shouldn't even be planning this.
It's your job.
All right! - My lord, my lieg.
- Yes, Michael? So Ryan got promoted to corporate where he is a little fish in a big pond.
Whereas back here in Scranton, I'm still top dog in a fairly large pond.
So whos the real boss? The dog or a fish? So I need a little treat for the gang.
Something to win their affections back.
Back? Why is that, Michael? Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
- Did you do this on purpose? - No, I was being negligent.
But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely.
Tiny little crack in her pelvis.
- But she will - It happened on company property? Yes.
It was on company property with company property, so Double jeopardy, we are fine.
I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Oh, right, I'm sorry.
What is "we're fine"? People keep calling me a "wunderkind.
" I don't even know what that means.
I mean, I know what it means.
It means very successful for your age.
So I guess it makes sense, but It's a weird word.
- Hey, D.
- Hey monkey, what's up? Can you do me a favor? Go to my place and give Sprinkles her medicine? Sure.
I have to visit the alkie.
Check to see if she's faking.
If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis.
You know what? I bet she cracked it at home.
Jumped in front of the car to get some worker's comp.
I wouldn't put it past her.
- So what do you need me to do? - I wrote it out.
There's a diabetes shot.
Roll the insulin in your hands, don't shake it.
She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal.
But put her right in front of the dish, or her cataracts won't let her see it.
Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine.
And you wanna give that to her And there's a fungal cream, because she has this infection under her tail.
So you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base.
Okay, I have an announcement.
You pushed Darryl out the window? - You shot Dwight? - No.
No, that is not funny.
I love my employees.
Even though I hit one of you with my car.
For which I take full responsibility.
Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things.
So I thought we should plant a tree.
Oh, good.
That means we don't have to work.
We're leaving for the hospital at 1:00.
So, like, a freedom tree.
- I can take 3 people.
- I can also take 3 people.
- Separate cars.
- Pam? We'll get a card at the hospital, and we'll sign it outside her room.
Sales people can go later in the day.
Hourly workers can go at lunch.
Okay, good, good.
So we'll just all go down there together at lunch.
- Excellent.
- I was thin - Good work, Pam.
- But if you All right, since im the boss, I will drive as well.
Who wants shotgun? You can't be serious.
You ran a woman over this morning.
Everybody inside the car was fine, Stanley! Guess what? I have flaws.
What are they? Oh, I don't know.
I sing in the shower.
Sometimes, I spend too much time volunteering.
Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car.
So sue me.
No, don't sue me.
That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make.
I hate hospitals.
In my mind, they are associated with sickness.
She looks like an angel.
She looks awful.
No okay.
She always looks like that, it was not my fault.
I think she's awake.
She's in the coma.
I brought all your friends from the office.
- At the same time.
- Yep.
- Hello, Meredith.
- This is weird.
Brought you some balloons.
Why don't we Here you go.
Tie these up, cheer up your tubes.
Oh, for God's sake.
- Nurse! - No, don't bother the nurse.
Just put it back in.
I am going to be sick.
I'm going to puke.
I wouldn't I wouldn't worry about it.
- Don't touch it.
- What are you doing? Just gimme that.
Thanks.
Does it hurt terribly? No, it's not too bad.
They have me on a lot of painkillers.
Really? What kind, codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? - Palladone? - I have no idea.
Well, it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time.
I'll see you guys at the office.
Okay, wait up, wait up, guys.
Guys, guys, hold on a sec.
You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody.
I'm not gonna do that.
'Cause you know what they say in the bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to godliness.
No, that's not - You cracked my pelvis.
- Look, I jus I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug.
You're not forgiven.
Come on.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not.
I like to be liked.
I enjoy being liked.
I have to be liked.
But it's not, like, this compulsive need to be liked.
Like my need to be praised.
Hey.
hey, monkey.
Any problems? Well, you left the TV on.
And your cat is dead.
- What?! - Sparkles, the white one, is dead.
Sprinkles.
That was the sick one, right? But I thought she had more time.
Did she look When you saw her, how was she looking? Really dead.
Like a, just a dead cat.
So Hey, come on.
Don't be sad.
Just Okay? Just - She's in a better place.
- All right.
Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer.
Because of the odor.
It's gonna be okay.
Okay, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing.
She cracked her pelvis.
A tiny, little crack.
And she's gonna be fine.
So let just Michael, Angela's cat died.
Sprinkles? I'm sorry, Angela.
Man, what a day, huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then Sprinkles! God! That's three things.
I'll tell you what's going on.
This office is cursed.
And we need to do something about it.
Well, I am taking responsibility.
An it's up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car.
I'm not supersticious, but I'm I am a little sticious.
Did anyone do anything involving an indian burial ground? - Like what? - Like park on it.
Or dig up a body.
Toby? Do you have anything you wanna tell us? No, I did not violate an indian burial ground.
In fact, I had some good luck recently.
Alfredo's pizza picked my business card out of the basket, so I get a week of free pies.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
Perfect.
So our tragedy is your good luck.
Satan.
Sprinkles never hurt a soul.
God, in your infinite wisdom, how can you do this? She wasn't ready.
She had so much left to accomplish.
It is only a cat.
You never You don't like them.
Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat.
- Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith? - No, I have not.
Well, I think you should go to the hospital and pay your respects.
I do not respect her.
But I will go.
All right.
I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.
Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs.
Satan is the master of lies.
Everything he says is the opposite.
All right, well, then you can ask about religious beliefs.
Thank you for the permission.
Psych! Alright, let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in.
- Catholic.
- Okay.
- Presbyterian.
- Oh, me too.
- For real? - Same religion.
I'm a lutheran, and bob is a unitarian.
It keeps things spicy.
That's why we're cursed.
I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower.
You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader.
Kelly, you are hindu.
So you believe in Buddha.
That's buddhists.
Are you sure? No.
What are you? Well, if you're gonna reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm sikh.
But I also like hip-hop and NPR.
And I'm restoring a 1967 corvette in my spare time.
Okay.
So one sikh, and As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery.
With the electricity used to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days.
You tell me what's unethical.
Blink once if you want me to pull the plug.
Don't pull any plugs.
How are you doing, miss Palmer? - Better.
- Excellent.
Are you a doctor or a male nurse? I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor.
Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy, but she did, or at least, she got time off for one.
So that is where her uterus went.
Your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago? Yes.
Dwight here trapped it in a bag against my head.
Just doing my job.
You also were recently bitten by a raccoon? And a rat.
Separate occasions.
Spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car.
And it's not even one of the popular ones.
Everybody gets on your case.
Doesn't make any sense.
God is dead.
If there was a god, then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Maybe believing in god was a mistake.
What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal that we could make a sacrifice to.
Like a giant buffalo.
Or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion.
Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat.
Or just the head of a monkey with the antlers of a reindeer.
With the body of a porcupine.
I will do some research.
- Okay.
- I can help you with that.
So just to be safe, they are giving her the rabies vaccine.
God, rabies? I was in the hospital room with her.
How contagious is that? Is that like an STD? - No.
You gotta be bitten by something.
- This place is so cursed.
Actually, the doctor said she was lucky, 'cause the only way to beat rabies is to start treatment before the symptoms set in.
Lockjaw.
I know a lot of you are very upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her with my car.
But it may make you feel a little bit better to know that before that happened Dwight endangered her life by putting a garbage bag over her head and it had a bat in it.
Six of one, really.
Turns out, Meredith has been exposed to rabies.
Which is, like, ten times worse than a little crack in your pelvis.
Thanks to me, she went to the hospital, and that saved her life.
Curse is broken.
Curse is broken, people! Oh, there is a god! And he has a plan for us after all.
So go home, get some rest.
Very, very good work today.
Got a lot accomplished.
Is there a god? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' dad? Oh, well.
If they aren't together now, then they probably never will be.
I thought they'd be good together.
Like PB & J.
Pam Beesly and Jim.
What a waste.
What a waste.
I told you I'm not dating anyone.
And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business.
I mean, when I do fall in love, like, when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it to is a camera crew or my coworkers.
Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever wanna be.
Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.
Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer memorial celebrity rabies awareness fun run race for the cure, this is Pam.
Pro-am.
Pro-am race for the They hung up.
A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car to learn that she may have rabies.
But that is where we are in America.
And that does not sit right with me.
And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies.
A disease that has been largely eradicated in the U.
S.
But not very many people know that.
No, rabies.
Babies would be a good idea.
Can I put you down for a dime? Hi, Stankley, how many sponsors so far? Zero.
Come on, man.
You gotta step it up.
It's for a good cause.
Jan called this morning and pledged $500.
Isn't that your money? That is for a good cause.
- Phyllis, how the rabies quilt coming? - Oh, it's coming.
Oh, look at that! Three.
Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.
You can't make me run.
It is not a real charity.
It's stupid, Michael and I'm not gonna do it.
You didn't run for me when I thought I had skin cancer.
I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.
Well, back in olden times, a large, fat person like this was a person of power.
A person who had money, who could buy food.
A person of respect, like the regional manager of the day.
Whereas someone athletic and trim like myself was somebody who worked in the fields, and I was a peasant.
I just don't wanna run.
I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes.
You're gonna have to run or you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.
It is not olden times anymore.
I'm petrified of nipple chafing.
Once it starts, is a vicious circle.
You have sensitive nipples, they chafe.
So they become more sensitive.
So they chafe more.
So I take precautions.
Hey, Angela.
I'm sorry about your cat.
This is Sprinkles.
She was my best friend.
I kept her going through countless ailments.
I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased.
This is Halloween last year.
Just a couple of kittens.
Out on the town.
I'm having relationship problems.
And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you could give me some advice.
What's wrong? I have this crazy thought that I know is crazy that maybe Dwight killed my cat.
When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her.
But all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds! Something's not right.
The vet's doing an autopsy.
Angela, I'm sorry.
Did Roy ever killed one of your cats? I'm more of a dog person.
So what's your strategy for this race? I'm gonna start fast.
Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle.
Then I'm gonna end fast.
- Why won't more people do that? - 'Cause they're stupid.
What? Oh, um, no, that's not - I mean, that wasn't - Yeah, that was, um I mean, I can see how it would seem a bit like we, uh How it looks like, um But nowadays, you can edit anything, right? I mean, you can edit anything to Look like, um, anything.
- So - Yeah, I gave him a ride home - because - Right.
We're dating.
There it is.
Uh, yeah.
We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great.
Right? It is going really great.
Shut up! You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.
Oh, really? You'll feel better after the 5k.
Exercise is good for depression.
I am not depressed.
I'm in grief! We have raised almost $700, most of it from me and Jan.
When do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later? Well, a giant check costs about $200 to make up.
I have a print shop standing by, but What do you think, Michael? That's over 25% of our funds.
It's a tough decision.
I always imagined it with a giant check.
Yeah, I mean, I personally am definitely on board for the giant check.
Giant check it is.
I don't know.
On the other hand, it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Bat birth control.
This money's going to bat birth control, right? That's what you told me.
You didn't contribute very much.
I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor.
- How's that going? - Not well.
A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.
Or $500 if we go with the giant check.
- Which we are.
- And also There is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
How about a rabies nurse? - I don't think so.
- You know what? I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour.
For parties and bachelor events.
That's possible.
look into that.
Great, it's gonna cost 200 bucks.
And actually, more with tips.
Maybe we should skip the ceremony and just set up a college fund for Meredith's son.
Have you met that kid? I'm not going to college.
not 5,000 miles.
Come in.
- My god! - What're you doing?! - You said, "come in!" - No, I didn't.
Just - Oh, my god.
- Please, get out.
So I closed the door but the image of his - Baguette.
- dangling participle still burned in my eyes.
I can imagine.
Come in.
May I enter the room? Yes.
Or "come in.
" See how I did that? That's the way you should enter a room.
You knock and wait for the all clear.
You couldn't undress in the men's room? Yes.
But I have an office, so why would I do that? On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? - Just ballpark.
- European offices are always naked.
- They're so not.
- Besides, my shirt covered most of it.
I only saw where it ended.
- Gross.
- That's not gross! It's the human body.
What is your problem? Pam, you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models.
Okay, you know what? I don't want this to detract from what we really need to think about today.
It's not fair to people with rabies.
And that's the point, right? Okay.
Let's go have some fun all right.
They say if you're nervous around someone, you should picture them naked.
I do not recommend this strategy.
Try picturing them with more clothes on.
Or a funny coat.
I'm sorry, is this a working office? And not a french beach? Okay, name, please? Creed Bratton, 75+ division.
- You're over 75 years old? - 82 november 1st.
- How much is the prize money? - There's no prize money.
Well, is any of this real? Check that out.
Look at me, I'm Toby! I'm stretching.
I know what I'm doing.
Why is he even here? So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.
What? No, it was not I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, okay? So hands off.
Okay, everybody, listen up! Thank you for coming.
Before we get started, I want to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies.
And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies.
That should scare you.
It scares me.
You people need to educate yourselves.
Meth: three americans every year die from rabies.
Fact: four americans every year die from rabies.
How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands.
One, two, three too many to count.
It is truly the silent killer.
No, it is the foaming, barking killer.
And it is something that Darryl! - What're you doing? - I give him a peanut.
No, don't give him Just Did you hear anything I said? - Look how happy he is.
- He's happy because he's insane.
That's a perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate.
Where's the nurse? - This is the reason we're here.
- Hello, Michael.
Oh, hey, I know you.
- Elizabeth, right? - Yeah.
Very cool you went back and got your degree.
I would like you to accept this check for $340 made out to Science.
Make sure that that gets into the right hands.
You got it? Okay.
Fettuccini Alfredo.
Time to carbo load.
Just remember, folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing.
On your marks! Get set! On your left! You're doing great, Michael.
Look at you go! That's my boss! - Yeah, baby! - I'm fast.
I'm very fast.
I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot.
Oh, yes, I will work out today.
I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.
I've walked 2 marathons.
Pretty sure I can handle a 5k.
The key is drafting to eliminate wind resistance.
Yeah.
Oh, we're in last place.
- Oh, would you look at that? - Darn it.
Water! Water.
- Water, babe? - No, no water for me.
Not while rabies causes fear of water.
Solidarity! Michael, that's irrational! Rabies victims have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives.
So least I could do.
Oh, god.
My nipples! It's starting.
- Can we get another round? - Okay.
Thanks.
So we've got what? Another 20 minutes? More or less.
That fettuccini is hitting my stomach like a rock.
You got nothing to worry about.
I put imodium in Toby's coffee before the race.
Excellent! Simpsons! Wait, imodium or ex-lax? I'm making great time.
Usually I have to take a bathroom break halfway through a race like this, but not today.
Ooh, an estate sale.
Want to go in? I'm really committed to winning.
Okay, but what if I told you that all the money you spend here goes to preventing a disease already cured.
- Yes.
- That's what I thought.
- Yeah.
- Right? Let's do some good.
You have reached the offices of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
Currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael scott D.
M.
S.
M.
P.
M.
C.
Rabies awarness pro-am fun run race For the cure.
Leave a message.
Oh, god.
Oh, Alfredo sauce.
I'm getting a stitch.
God! Watch the nipples, Kevin! Back off me.
You're feeling better? No.
Well, you look cute as a button.
You've worked up quite a sweat.
The vet's removing Sprinkles' organs right now and sending them to the lab.
- I am a farmer, Angela.
- What does that mean? When a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.
You did kill her! I sang her her favorite songs.
You put her in my freezer! It was beautiful and gentle and respectful.
I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep.
She barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out.
I'm not responsible for that - It's nothing! - I'm robbing her! - It's nothing! - It's nothing! It's fine! How could you do that without telling me? I thought I was helping you.
I expected a hug.
I took care of that cat the best way I knew how.
Cat heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized.
I know a great taxidermist.
I'll pay to have her stuff.
Well, he's not great, but he's pretty good.
You don't understand.
Take bat bites seriously.
Don't get bit.
Or we can have her buried out at the east field by mother.
- Huh, Angela? - Don't touch me, Dwight.
You like it? It's kind of designy and cool.
It was $8.
Oh, and I get to carry it.
And the winner is Toby Flenderson! Have a seat.
I'll write it down.
Where are we? I don't know.
Like five kilometers from the office.
He couldn't have made it circle? I am not going to finish.
I can't beat rabies.
Nobody can beat rabies.
Rabies has been around for a thousand years.
I was a fool to think that I could beat it.
- Pictures of the dog all around.
- Yeah, probably What are you doing here? Did you come back for us or I can't finish.
I feel so weak.
I just - You're probably dehydrated.
- What do you want me to do, Jim? A glass of water would be a start.
There are people all over the world with all sorts of problems and afflictions and diseases.
They're deformed and they're abnormal, and they're illiterate and ugly.
Symphonies don't have any money.
Public TV is bust.
I can't do anything about it.
I can't, you know There's just one of me, and there's thousand of them.
And rabies wins.
You are a downer.
We were having a pretty nice day.
I'm still having a nice day.
- You are? - Yeah.
Hey, Michael, look at this lamp.
$8.
That's a good deal.
And Michael, you don't have rabies.
And chances are you're not gonna get it anytime soon.
So you don't really have to think about it too much.
Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.
Yeah, but there's other better people out there who are helping.
You just don't think I am capable of making a difference.
I know you, Michael.
I saw you naked.
You don't You don't know me.
You've just seen my penis.
I can make a difference.
Remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car.
And I owe it to her to finish this G.
D.
5k.
Finishing that 5k was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I ate more Fettuccine Alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life.
People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit.
Today, I had a triumph of the human body.
That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end.
My guts and my heart.
And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out.
And I'm very, very proud of that.
Hey, Michael.
Hey, Mer.
- How you doing? - Better.
It's ironic, isn't it? I mean, I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water.
And you're in it for a disease that causes a fear of water.
I'm in because you hit me with your car.
But I want to say I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore.
Thanks.
I'm not mad at you anymore.
Want to share? Sure.
I'm not really sick.
I'm good.